DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Let’s be honest: their loves flows kinda like this….

I {heart} you all,

bfd

PS: Consider this a weekend open thread.

PPS: h/t Boing Boing

Happy “Go Fuck Yourself Day!”

–

I can’t speak for BFD, but I don’t foresee any more posting from me until Sunday afternoon.  Have a safe weekend, try not to blow off any necessary body parts, drink some Shiner Black, and enjoy yourself.  Also, try to get laid.

From one of my fave bloggers, the Mighty MJD*, comes this awesome nugget of nuggets:

Pro Football Talk is reporting that (Aqib) Talib, the Bucs’ 1st-round pick, and (Cory) Boyd, the Bucs 7th-round pick, had been exchanging words all day, and they finally got down to the fisticuffs in the “budgets and finance” meeting.

Obviously, they were arguing over the merits of the Roth IRA versus the traditional IRA.

And to think: some intellectually dishonest people who write for a major publication were actually gunning for us to draft Talib.  Do you wonder why Matt and I were so against him now?

* The Monday Morning Smorgasbord is one of the best columns during the season.

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

No, not that way.  No, not that way, either, though I am flattered.  Definitely not that way.  I mean, not even for $20 or something.  Maybe for $50, though.

Anyway, Matt and I are going to start working on a full-fledged site redesign, and we want input from you, our dearest readers.  Keep in mind that we already assume you want:

1. More hard core nudity, especially Filipino tranny porn (h/t Lee), and
2. Us to fuck off.

For example, one of the things we’d like to implement is the “Reply to” feature as on Deadspin.  We figure it’ll make it easier for Stacy and Foomey to hurl insults at each other (though can you really get enough anal fisting jokes?  I thought not.).

So, let’s hear you loud and hear you proud:

Dear Matt and bfd, I would like to see __________ to help improve the website.

Your biggest fan,

You

Thank you for your assistance.

You do realize you list wins and then losses, right?  Apparently, the fine folks over at Music City Miracles know something the rest of us don’t.  I can only assume that they’ve learned from their super-inside sources that Vince Young will not be playing this year.  Because that’s the only way “anything less than 10-6 is unexcusable” makes sense.

At least the Bennett choice makes sense. Pete Prisco continues his mancrush on the Texans as well as his overarching idiocy in his list of 30 players poised to break out this season.  Number 13? Eric Winston.  AKA “The Guy Who Was One Of The Best RTs In Football Last Year.”  How do you break out from that? (H/T Eric)

Vaya con dios, dick.  Jared “I’M A COLLEGE STAR…I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!” Zabranksi was dumped by the Steelers.  Statue of Liberty play <<< Dennis Dixon’s talent. (Also via Eric)

I freely admit it: I’m a dirty fucking hippie.  I live in Austin.  I prefer to ride my bike.  I’m a beer snob.  I recycle.  If I had hair, it’d be long.  I abhor makeup (on chicks, Stacy, before you get any ideas).  That said, I’ve spent a lot of time in Houston over the last few weeks.  And you know what I’ve seen?

***NO TEXANS PARAPHENALIA***

OK, none, is perhaps too harsh…barely.  I saw a car that had a six year old, faded bumper sticker on it.  And, errrr, I saw a sign out on I10 heading east that said “Romance…For Lease,” which was pretty cool and unusually hip.  Outside of that, I was severely disappointed in the complete and total lack of Texans advertising of any type as I drove around Houston.

Disclaimer: I was largely on the west side OTL, which is supposed to be not cool and stuff.

Look, I don’t care what some random dude says cuz this is a legitimate playoff contender we are talking about, even though I agree with Tim’s assessment that our early schedule is slightly abusive.

And you can’t tell in Houston.

So, with that incredibly long introduction, here are my Top 5 suggestions to the Houston Texans marketing department cuz, you know, I kick ass at Madden and stuff.

5. Stickers - Yes, bumper stickers, decals, tattoos, breast implants, whatever it takes.  Look, if we are paying Petey Faggins anything more than…OK, I’m too fucking lazy to look it up, then we could get much more value out of giving away bumper stickers on every corner.  “Sticker with your electric bill, sir?”  “Excuse me, ma’am, but you could really use a Texans tramp stamp.”  See, how hard could that be?

4. Billboards - Let’s be honest: we are talking about Houston, here.  I figure, if you put up a shitload of ads on billboards on any inbound freeway and I10 outbound, it’ll get more views than your average Oprah or Filipino tranny show.

3. Date Your Favorite Texans Cheerleader! - No projection going on here.  Nope.  None, whatsoever.  Errr, did I mention that I love twins?  I’ll just have to work with Marisa on the whole Olive Garden thing.  I mean, just because I’d rather eat a handful of dog food than go to Olive Garden does not mean I’d ignore the poor girl.

2. Free Beer and Concealed Weapon Day - Beer and weapons?  In Texas?  What could possibly go wrong???

1. Dress Up as your Favorite 2006 Draftee Bust Night! - Do you still {heart} Vince, Longhorns fans?  Still think Reggie Bush is actually better than Dave Meggett?  Vernon Davis?  Matt Leinart (hot tubs full of under-aged chicks not included)???  Or maybe you can go as the Biggest Bust in the History of Forever and Ever!  No matter, now is your chance to wear the uniform of your favorite 2006 draft bust in the vain hope he won’t suck and will never, ever, live up to his actual talent.*

So, there ya go, Texans.  As usual, I’ve done all the leg work.  Now it’s up to you to make it happen.

* Anybody wearing a DeMeco uniform will be summarily beaten and gagged.  I won’t tell you what you’ll be gagged with.

PS: I’m gonna upgrade to digital before football season.  Any suggestions as to how to do this (Time Warner, DirecTV, tin foil caps) much appreciated.  The NFL Season ticket is *not* a concern.

Running behind today as I attempt to make it possible for me to not show up to work tomorrow at all.

Houston plays Houston?  Huh? Aside from an odd typo (he means “Jacksonville”), this is a pretty good write-up from Scouts, Inc., breaking down the importance of a fast start to the Texans’ season.  Long story short, winning early = better than losing.  Or something like that.

Aw, poop. Osi Umenyiora found Pete Prisco’s article ranking Mario Williams as the 6th best performer from last season to be a tad bit “ridiculous.” Because, you know, being the second-best DE on a team with a disgustingly good line and getting nearly half your sacks against a single, grossly overmatched LT is WAY BETTER than being completely dominant while teamed up with a rookie, two turds, and a DC that is functionally retarded.  (For the record, Mario was a little high on the list, but the real “ridiculous” part was leaving DeMeco off altogether. Die, Prisco.)  Also, federal law prohibits me from mentioning Umenyiora without linking to this.(NSFW)

No Sunchips for you! According to Adam Schefter of NFLN, the Texans are not interested in Cedric Benson.  “That guy?  Fuck him,” said Kubiak.  (This may or may not be an accurate quote.)

10. He inspired the following as recently as last October:

When you watch Cedric Benson run the football you’re struck by two contrasting traits. He doesn’t go out of his way to make people miss, preferring to try and run people over, and he doesn’t seem to run the ball very hard. It’s hard enough to pull off the first thing in the NFL under any circumstances but impossible when you don’t run into the line like a runaway train. Too often, Benson appears to go down at first contact and appears to be missing the assertiveness you need to be a successful NFL running back.

9. He was so disliked by his teammates in Chicago that “about ten” Bears defensive players tried to hurt him in practice.  I would prefer Mario to continue trying to murder opposing QBs and not have him disembowel a teammate.

8. He is coming off a season-ending broken leg that required a plate in his lower leg, near his ankle.  Maybe it is completely healed with no lingering after-effects, but do you really want to take that chance?  Do you REALLY want to risk having him make the roster, only to then find out, oops, I guess it wasn’t totally perfect?  Because, maybe I am old fashioned, but I think we’ve got enough injury questions in our backfield as it is.

7. He is a summa cum laude (loud?) graduate of the Fred Smoot School of Nautical Recreation.

6. According to beef,

this guy me and some friends met at a party, who went to UT, and played with C-bong at Midland Lee [...] said that everyone on Lee’s team hated his guts because he was such a prick, and all he cared about were his numbers [...] and he was a whiny finger-pointer.  Anyway, the dude said that he had several other friends on UT’s team, and when he’d tell them he was from Lee, they’d bring up how much everyone on UT’s team hated his ass too for the same shit.  You could also tell it from watching their games.  He’d always be standing by himself on the sidelines and no one would ever come up to him for congratulatory or “keep your head up” comments.

Is that nothing but hearsay?  You bet.  But it’s fully admissible in the Court of Matt Fucking Hates You.

5. His boat parties don’t end well.  “Yeah, yeah…suuuuure you weren’t drinking.”

4. About a month after deciding boating wasn’t for him, he took the same strategy to the open road, only with fewer hoes and no bag of Sun Chips.  This fantastic story ends with a court-ordered breathalyzer ignition lock.  So I’m guessing the judge didn’t buy the excuses.

3. The idea that he can fall forward for 4 yards a pop is tenuous at best, considering he fell forward for 3.4 YPC last year before tearing his mangina breaking his leg.  He did manage 4.1 YPC in 2006.  You know who else managed 4.1 in 2006?  Ron “Meringue” Dayne.  And Dayne had 4.0 YPC in 2007.  And he did it all without endangering the public, eating Sun Chips with hoes, or getting arrested multiple times.

2. According to the Chicago Sun-Times,

The worst part of it is that Benson isn’t a viable reserve because he doesn’t pass block, play special teams, or help on third downs. He could be low on the depth chart (emphasis added).

I’m guessing that could be a problem as we break in a rookie LT and try to keep Matt Schaub upright all year.  Just sayin’.

1. He’s not a good fit for a true zone blocking system.  Thomas Jones was the cut-back style runner on the Bears and he was shipped to New York because the Bears thought Benson’s “pounding” (and I use that term as loosely as it can be employed) style was a better fit for them.  He doesn’t have the speed to get the outside zone consistently (and he runs upright on outside runs), yet he lacks the vision to properly cut back and go. And I’m not the only one who says this stuff:

If there’s one thing we know post-trade, it’s that the Bears offensive line was suspect/borderline shitty last season too.  Their inability to open solid running lanes was masked by the cut-back running style of Thomas Jones.  When Jones took the hand-off from Grossman and realized his blockers hadn’t cleared any space, he was able to manufacture extra yardage.  Even then, he still danced around the backfield too often and was never able to break off any long runs.

So it should be no surprise that Benson is struggling.  He is strictly a straight-ahead, power runner; if the hole isn’t open, he’s not going anywhere.  I’ve seen better run blocking from plastic lineman on an electric football table than what the Bears have shown this year.

Last year, I wrote the following:

Ignoring for a second that celebrating the Fourth of July as “America’s birthday” is akin to celebrating the day you were conceived instead of the day your mom actually crapped you out, I would just like to wish everyone a happy holiday.

Now go out, get drunk, and see what you can blow up. It’s the American way.

Finally, this entire post was an excuse to post this video, which will either be the funniest or the most retarded thing you’ll see this month.

All of that still seems appropriate, so here’s the video again.  And thanks to Will for reminding me about it in time to post it for the holiday.

HoustonProFootball is back. Well, sorta.  If you are like me, in addition to running blog that will eventually bring shame to the next three generations of your family, you used to rely upon HoustonProFootball.com’s estimated salary cap figures.  When they closed-up shop, as it were, I assumed that we were just hosed when it came to having all those numbers in one place again.  But fear not!  Keith is back with …In The Bullseye.com, and it features the cap numbers as well quality posts about our favorite football team.

“…Mr Smith, Blair Thomas Lite is on line 2…”.  There’s a rumor floating around the internets — OK, it’s floating over from TT.com, with little in the way of attribution, so take it with however much salt you fancy — that Cedric Benson might sign with the Texans. I really, REALLY hope this is all a hoax.  First, I have a slightly-irrational hatred of Benson that I will not apologize for.  Second, though, and more importantly, Benson sucks.  Like, really sucks.  I know the idea of “well, he played with some turds in Chicago,” but that’s the same type of thing Carolina fans were telling themselves when they signed Zoolander Q. Hairdo and we saw how that panned out.  Third, Benson is not a character guy in the least and has a reputation as a lockerroom tumor.  So…yeah…just say “No,” Rick.

Leaders are not born, nor are they made; they are appointed by the internet. Typical offseason fluff article from New Era Scouting about some “no name” guys who are important to their respective teams.  Chris Myers makes an appearance.  Now, I certainly have no beef with the idea that he was acquired for great value OR that he is a very good center, despite measuring poorly.  I do hesitate, however, at the idea that his leadership of the O-line cannot be overstated.  Could we let him, you know, PLAY a game before we crown him King Shit of Fuck Mountain?

So…you’re saying there’s a chance?! If you are not a season-ticket holder and you have any dreams of going to the Monday Night game (or the December Titans game), you have to enter a lottery at HT.com.  Note, they are only drawing for the “chance to buy tickets if any are available,” so I wouldn’t hold your breath.

So, you’re saying we’re not the only ones who noticed? Great post on Mario Williams v. Bush and Young, including some potshots at Lil’ Dickie Justice, age 12, and Bill Simmons.  Oh, and Dr. Z, who I am reasonably sure is not really a doctor.  Money quote: “In a league that has been called modern day gladiator combat, isn’t having the most physically dominating gladiator worth something more than constant derision?”  (H/T Eric)

Sticking with Mario.  As a counter-point to last week’s David Carr pictures (which, by the way, never stop being funny), Mario Williams illustrates how to be awesome.  1. Arrive in Hummer stretch limo.  2. Dress like a normal human.  3. Rock a watch that costs more than most cars.  4. Ignore the small white man who is groping your bicep.

Yes, please! Finally, because I can’t find much news this morning, here are your Houston Texans cheerleaders to dance us on out of this post:

Here we go again.  I’ve spent the entire week listening to UGK’s “Ridin’ Dirty,” so I don’t have much to add to this discussion.  Instead, in honor of BFD’s sister, I present Top 5 Songs About A Sibling.

5. Holy Water, Big & Rich.

4. Brotherly Love, Keith Whitley and Earl Thomas Conley.

3. Sister Christian, Night Ranger.

2. Daniel, Elton John.

1. Beautiful Brother of Mine, Curtis Mayfield.

Also receiving votes: My Brother’s A Basehead, De La Soul; The Bewlay Brothers, David Bowie; You and Your Sister, This Mortal Coil.

EDIT: Also, consider this your usual “What I’m Listening To” post and feel free to comment accordingly.  Bonus points if you are listening to De La Soul.

My mom.  She was in a lot of pain.

Closing comments.

Instead, please send some thoughts my sister’s way.  She has been taking care of our mother essentially full time for over a month now.  It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

As for me?  Y’all can just buy me a beer at the next Texans mash-up.

Leg hugs to all,

bfd

I suppose it’s better than learning from David Carr. In general, you probably shouldn’t try to teach things you don’t understand yourself.  In that vein, I put Vince Young’s teaching of “proper QB technique” right up there with me teaching social grace and tact and BFD teaching about sex after 35. (H/T Eric)

Wow.  Speaking of Zoolander, I lack the words to adequately describe the shirt/hat combo he’s wearing in this picture.  I think I’ll go with “unfortunate, ridiculous, and gay as shit,” but I know that doesn’t quite get there.

Oh, fuck this. Finally, let’s just stick keep kicking Zoolander while he’s down because it’s Friday and this shit is fun.  Is that a velour hat?  And, um, that t-shirt is only funny if you get the pun, which would also make it sort of…well…inappropriate in this given situation.  Good lord, every single day I am more glad that Sandy is gone.

Even if they aren’t the latest in Filipino tranny porn

With a h/t to Solis, let’s check out one of my new faves (even though I haven’t exactly seen more than this of him), Antwaun Molden!

Via Draftguys

Out of Eastern Kentucky, he is a bit of a work in progress (he’s #17).

[Ed: There ya go.]

How can the internet be oh so cruel?

I don’t know why I keep quoting Tim, other than it is just a cheap form of lede for my posts and I am all about taking the easy way out.  THAT SAID, Tim once told me that no man over the age of, I believe, 21 was allowed to wear a jersey in public.

Now, that is certainly debateable.  Still, if I may offer some advice to person in this pic I took today, I think when your options are following Tim’s advice or wearing the jersey of a disgraced alleged sex offender, you should probably side with Timmy.  No matter how big a Packers fan you are.

On a related note, it is REALLY hard to get a picture of someone surreptitiously out your drivers’ side window as you roll past them without said picture being dark and/or blurry.

On an unrelated note, that’s a whole lot of pics/videos for you people today, relatively speaking.  Don’t go getting spoiled or anything.

I can’t decide which of the sacks is my favorite. The first was athletic as hell, but the one-handed third was pretty damned cool. Oh well, just sit back and enjoy.

Also, never forget, Will Demps couldn’t catch clap in a whorehouse. I mean that figuratively, of course. Literally…that’s a different tale.

I like Kris Brown as much as a guy can like a kicker, I suppose.  I mean, I have no ill will toward him or anything, so he’s got that going for him.  Which is nice.

That said, if this was real, I would gladly kill him if Shaun Suisham suddenly wanted to placekick in the Bayou City.

Jesus balls, that is amazing.  Though…really…doesn’t it kind of remind you of those Mike Vick / LeBron James PowerAde commercials?

Filed this under BRB > Chron.com. I continued to be blown away with the substance the new BRBers are bringing to the Texans blogosphere.  Case in point, marroncito recently did a kick-ass interview with Tim Bulman.  I have to be honest–I assumed during the DHC/BFD discussion that Bulman was not long for this team.  After reading this piece, however, I REALLY hope I was wrong.  (Side note:  Has anyone found ANY news anywhere regarding DGDB&D fave Earl Cochran?)

But…wait…where are Bush and Young?!?!? Courtesy of Eric — who must not love me, because he’s never made me cry at work — we get CBSSportsline’s Top 50 players based on last year’s performance.  My only quibble with the list is DeMeco not making it (he was an honorable mention), but given that he was sorta hobbled near the end of the year, I suppose I can see it.  Maybe.  Kinda.

I guess we’re past the point of sneaking up on people.  A Yardbarker article listing teams that could be on the verge of a Super Bowl run.  Yes, we are on the list.  (And there’s a picturing of Mario making Jay Cutler his bitch at the bottom, which is always fun.)  Also funny, though the Saints are listed, Reggie Bush is not.

Finally.  Welcome back, BFD.  Despite what you say, there are many who would claim that I am not even the best blogger on this blog.  Like Tim.  Tim would totally say that because he’s a smartass.

As you may have noticed, things have been pretty damned quiet in BFD-ville (which, I believe, has nothing to do with Podunk, OK but much to do with Fucking, Austria).

Fact is, things have been extremely stressful for me personally lately.  I’ve tried to write a couple of times, but I’ve had the worst case of writer’s block evar.  And, when you write on a blog with possibly the best in the blogosphere, Matt, if your material looks like shit, it’s gonna stick out like my boner in a porn flick.  Well, there’s that, and the floggings when Matt doesn’t like your work.

If this gives you any idea: I had knee surgery today a couple of weeks after a near hit and run while I was on  bike.  Going the opposite direction, somebody turned left dead-on flush on me.  She missed, but only because I jumped the curb at an angle, forcing me to land pretty damn awkwardly.  Unfortunately, I completely wrenched my knee in the process…the one that’s already had four surgeries on it.  Fortunately, she was classy enough to peel off after this happened, though I did manage to get her license plate (yes, she knows what happened).  So, I get to deal with the local PD on this clusterfuck.  The surgery, at least, went quite well.

When I went in today, and they checked my blood pressure, it was 153/113.  Seriously.

All this on top of normal life, a death in my wife’s family, AND, most stressful of all, a pending death in my family which has created an enormous strain on me.  But, the burden has been mostly on my sister, who officially deserves saint-hood for all she’s done.  The last two months of my life have been an epic contrast on the difference between being alive and living.

I haven’t pooped in over 48 hours.

I do have some points to make, so bear with me a bit longer.

1. Thanks to Matt, who, in reality, is the Internet equivalent of a snuggly teddy bear.  Really.
2. Thanks to a couple of others who venture around these parts, but especially Eric.  Cept when the jerk makes me tear up at work.
3. My sister kicks ass.
4. Carpe diem.  Which, yeah, seems obvious.  But I’m watching yet another person dying of cancer, and I have a hard time releasing that concept.

My point isn’t too solicit “I’m sorry”s or anything like that (really and truly, I don’t want them).  Consider this another adventure in online carthartic moments.  I hope to start posting regularly, both here and at WTP, as soon as possible.