Archive for June, 2007

LenDalesaurus would make the All-Gastronomical Team

Jun 30, 2007 Andre Johnson, Athletes who don't stab people, Charles Spencer, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Fred Weary is dirty, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Posts that list too many players, Teams that aren't the Texans

Random Thought: Who are the best players at each position in the AFC South? I’m not talking so much about career stats or even what they did last year, though the latter will play into it a little. Rather, if you could build a team right now, to start play in 2007 (without worrying about nastiness like the salary cap), what would an All-AFC South starting lineup look like?

Offense
QB–Peyton Manning. Mrs. Chesney is the only correct answer here. Damn it.
RB–Maurice Jones-Drew. Joseph Addai was a tempting choice, but Jones-Drew’s combination of game breaking speed and strength makes me lean this way. Besides, he averaged more yards per carry than Addai last season and had nearly twice as many TDs.
FB–Vonta Leach. Funny thing… not too many teams in this division use a true fullback. Sure, Dallas Clark lines up as an H-back sometimes, but that’s not the same. So I chose Leach over Ahmard Hall, thinking that there must have been a reason the Giants were trying to snag Leach away.
WR1–Andre Johnson. Blasphemer! Heretic! Possibly, but I think that this is the season where Andre Johnson establishes himself as the best WR in the conference. His numbers might not trump Harrison’s, but his play will.
WR2–Marvin Harrison. It’s not like I left Marvin off the list. We can even call him WR1B if that makes certain fans happy.
TE–Owen Daniels. I hadn’t stopped to think about how solid the TEs are throughout the AFC South. Besides Daniels and the aforementioned Clark, you’ve got Marcedes Lewis, Bo Scaife, Ben Troupe, etc. Daniels, however, showed signs of a breakout last year, so consider this almost as much prognostication as reasoned choice.
LT–Tarik Glenn. Put it this way–it is my fond hope that, someday, Charles Spencer is as good as Glenn.
LG–Vince Manuwai. Umm… you ever tried to pick the best left guard out of a group?
C–Jeff Saturday. Even Colts fans acknowledge that Saturday is a big reason for the Colts’ success. He’s still one of the best in all of football.
RG–Chris Naeole. God, I hate picking guards. That said, Naeole is every bit as good as Fred Weary and 1/10th as likely to get tazered. That counts in this. Somehow.
RT–Eric Winston. Winston would be being groomed to start (or actually starting) at left tackle for a number of teams in the NFL. I honestly think he’ll be one of the best RTs in the league this season.

Defense
LDE–Kyle Vanden Bosch. The funny thing about the defensive line in this exercise is that all of the choices were pretty clear cut. With the next three guys on the list, it is because they are among the very best at their respective positions in the entire league. With KVB, however, it’s because the rest of the choices in the conference were uninspiring. Congrats, Kyle.
LDT–Marcus Stroud. Stroud and Henderson were taken in the first round by the Jags in consecutive drafts. Since then, they’ve dominated nearly everyone they’ve played and show no signs of slowing down.
RDT–John Henderson. Asked and answered, your honor.
RDE–Dwight Freeney. I like Mario Williams as much or more than pretty much anyone. That said, I would trade him for Freeney in a heartbeat. And there aren’t too many fans of other teams who wouldn’t swap their RDE for him.
LLB–David Thornton. Looking at the Titans’ depth chart, you see two tackling machines on either side of a complete turd. Odd. Thornton showed great all-around strongside play last year and, with some of the glaring holes the Titans have on D this year, he’ll be asked to play that well again.
MLB–DeMeco Ryans. D-e-M-e-c-o. 125 solo tackles, 3.5 sacks, 1 INT, and 5 passes defended. As a rookie. (Here’s where I wish I could have the Kool-Aid Man bust through your screen and scream “Oh, YEAH!”)
RLB–Keith Bulluck. Five straight seasons over 100 tackles, and he’s still one of the most underrated players in the league. Hard to do.
CB1–Rashean Mathis. Class of the AFC South CBs, Mathis is a ball hawk and–like Bulluck–not near as heralded out of conference as he should be.
CB2–Dunta Robinson. I did the same thing with CB that I did with WR–I put the second-best #1 in the #2 spot. Now, I know that Friend-of-DGDB&D KC Joyner said that Dunta wasn’t quite as good as advertised, but he also said that last year’s metrics suggested he was improving. So, I’m going on the assumption that he will be better this year than any CB in the South other than Mathis.
SS–Chris Hope. Great in coverage, great nose for the ball, fantastic tackler, integral part of a Super Bowl defense.
FS–Bob Sanders. Remember that scene in Friday, where Deebo hit Red? Yeah, that’s what it’s like when Sanders unloads on an unsuspecting WR. Of course, he’s not the most durable dude in the league, but–for this team–he’s just the type of physical presence you want.

Biz Markie ain’t buyin’ the "Just a Friend" line

Jun 29, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Renee Zellweger

Wow. That last post was really grumpy.

I’m sorry, Tina Turner… I don’t know why I get like that some times. You know… Ike just has a lot of stress, and then I start drinking, and–well–I’m sorry, baby. No, shh, come here. Let Ike hold you.

There, that’s better.

This week’s row with BBS gave me an idea–I should interview Peyton Manning. I mean, how hard could it be to get him on the phone and ask a few questions? Not too difficult, apparently, as I tracked him down in a couple hours this afternoon.

Peyton Manning: Uh… hello?
Me: Peyton?
PM: Huh?
Me: Peyton Manning?
PM: Yeah. Who’s this?
Me: Matt from DGDB&D.
PM: Who?
Male Voice in Background: Who is that?
PM (muffled, to voice): I dunno… shh. I told you you had to be quiet.
Me: Is this a bad time?
PM: No. Who did you say you were?
Male Voice: Peyyyytonnnn… just tell them to call you later. I have to leave soon.
PM (to voice): I said shhh. Just a minute. Jesus, I hate it when you get possessive like this.
Me: Seriously, I can call back. I just have a couple questions–
PM: No, it’s fine.
Me: You sure?
PM: Yeah.
Me: OK… anyway, my name is Matt and I run the fourteenth-most-popular Texans blog on the planet.
PM: Don’t you just love doing stuff to make your parents proud?
Me: Right. So, like I said, I have a couple questions. First, I was wondering if you’d really had a chance to reflect on the Super Bowl? I mean, has it sunk in that this is the first time in your life that you didn’t end the season as an abject failure?
PM: Well, shucks… I suppose I hadn’t thought of it like that. It sure feels good to come out on the other side of things, though. That’s for sure.
Me: Yeah, I bet. Maybe you should have tried that back in 1997, instead of letting Nebraska facerape you like they did.
PM: What? Wait… hold on.
*sounds of hand covering phone mouthpiece*
PM: What the hell?! Why are you crying?? I’m just talking on the phone. Good Lord. You make it sound like I’m doing something wrong.
Male Voice: WHO IS HE?!?
PM: Christ, Kenny, I can’t be around you when you get like this.
*sounds of door slamming*
Me: Is… everything ok?
PM: Yeah, fine. What was I saying?
Me: That it was nice not to play like absolute shit in a big game for once.
PM: Yeah. I owe a lot of thanks to my coaches and my teammates and–
Me: Rex Grossman
PM: my family and Jesus and… wait, who did you say?
Me: I forget. Moving on…
*sounds of beating on a door and something that only be described as “caterwauling”*
Male Voice: PLEASE DON’T SHUT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS!!!
PM: DAMNIT, KENNY, I SWEAR TO GOD. I AM… I AM… ARRRGH!
*sounds of door being thrown open*
PM: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?
Male Voice: I… I just want you. That’s all. That’s why Renee and I didn’t work out… because… because you complete me.
PM: I wish I knew how to quit you, Kenny Chesney.
Male Voice: I love you. Always have.
PM: Stop… you know Braveheart lines always make me cry.
Male Voice: Oui. Parce que chaque jour j’ai pensé à toi.
PM: *giggling* I’ll have to call you back. Something has, uh, come up.
Me: Um…
*sounds of line going dead*
Me: ok.

Patron Tequila is a no-good, lying bastard

Jun 29, 2007 2007 Draft, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Like whoa, Rebuttals, Secondary issues are primary

It’s Friday and I’m hungover. Hungover like whoa. Even the thought of writing something long and (semi-) coherent makes my head hurt a little more. So you are getting some randomness right now, with a possibility of real posting should this coffee and McDonald’s turn out to be a panacea.

  • Big Blue Shoe surrenders.1 He also writes a pretty fair post about our revamped defense, though he seems to have misunderstood the gist of my Dunta Robinson breakdown. (Note: It’s not that I don’t think he’s as good as advertised; it’s that the numbers actually SHOW that he’s not as good as advertised.) Oh, well… baby steps.
  • The NFL Supplemental Draft is next month. For those teams looking to pick up guys who were kicked off of teams, academically ineligible, and/or otherwise not going to play anymore NCAA pigskin, the Supplemental Draft is a godsend. Yahoo! Sports has a breakdown of some of the higher profile low profile players. The author of that piece seems to think we’ll be in the mix for Nebraska OL Chris Patrick. To which I say “blah.” I am somewhat interested, however, in UConn SS/OLB Donta Moore. Dude is tough, fast, and can tackle like a mofo (that’s a technical term). Which is a description that you generally don’t give to C.C. Brown.
  • Thomas Hilton has a nice recap of pre-camp player news from around the web. There’s even some fantasy football talk. At some later point, I want to do a fantasy football breakdown of this team that goes further than the “Andre Johnson is good” chatter we usually get. I’ll give you a sneak peak, though, right now. If you are in a 50-team league that uses individual defensive players, you should try to snag Petey Faggins somewhere around pick 985.
  • Finally, Pro Football Talk reports, in a very smug and condescending manner, that the Texans’ string of sell-outs might be coming to an end. Please note, though, that you have to scroll down past where he drops the soap for Sprint-Nextel.

    • Though the Houston Texans like to boast about the fact that they’ve had 50 straight sellouts in five years of existence, there’s a chance that the number might not get much higher. Or any higher.

      Thanks to a head’s-up from a reader, it appears that the Texans are having trouble selling their season tickets. Currently, “less than 2,000” are available, which means that as many as 1,999 are left — despite the prior existence of a “priority wait list.”

      So the inference that can be drawn is that, after a chunk of last year’s season-ticket holders passed on renewing and after the folks on the waiting list got their chance to buy tickets, there are still about $1 million worth of unsold season seats.

      But should any of this be surprising to anyone? After three years of improvement, the Texans tanked in 2005, and then committed the football equivalent of passing on Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson by leaving Reggie Bush and Vince Young on the draft board in April 2006. [Author's Note: You can almost smell the exaggeration, it's so thick.] If either of those guys were playing in Houston, we suspect that every 2007 game would be already sold out.

      As it stands, it could be that the only 2007 games that will be fully sold out will be those in which Bush and Young will make their visits to town.

      Jerk.

1 I can’t decide if I am amused or annoyed that he tried to sound magnanimous about the whole ordeal with the “he kicked my post’s metaphorical ass, but at least I didn’t call him names” bit. (I’m paraphrasing.) Like I said to him in the comments, I called his mom names. And that’s only if you find the scent of rotting French cheese to be offensive.

Baby Jesus hates me

Jun 27, 2007 Anger, NFL Network

I got home this afternoon and the light on my digital cable box/dvr was blinking, indicating that Comcast needed to tell me something. Usually, these messages are along the lines of “Oxygen has moved from channel 121 to 143,” so they aren’t really worth checking, but that damned blinking light annoys me. So, I clicked over there.

Subject: NFL Network

Dear Shmuck,

On Sunday, the NFL Network will no longer be available through basic digital cable. If you want to see it, you’ll have to pony up $13/mo for a Sports package that contains twenty other channels (none of which are worth watching). Why are we doing this? Because we can. Suck it.

Kissies,
Comcast

Matt… ANGRY! Urge to kill… RISING!

Jim Sorgi is better than Peyton Manning

Jun 27, 2007 David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Posts that list too many players, Preview, Rebuttals, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment

One of the best things about writing a Texans blog, aside from getting to write about the greatest team to never post a winning record, is that there just aren’t that many other Texans blogs out there. Which means that, any time one of us posts something of interest (or just something really dumb), it doesn’t get lost in a crush of other posts from other blogs. Nope, it pretty much stays at the forefront for a day or two, until someone (usually Stephanie) posts something that is actually, you know, appropriate and not inflamatory and devoid of ad hominem attacks. If you are into that sort of thing.

Anyway, I guess I should not have been surprised when Big Blue Shoe caught wind of my reply to his stupidity post about the Texans. (Big thanks to reader Casey, who alerted me to this.) What was surprising was that he only felt the need to respond to one point I made before piling on some more of his own arguments (most of which are SCREAMING for a rebuttal). So, without Freddy Adu…

I’m fighting an ear infection (gross), which explains why I haven’t blogged in the last few days. It’s nice to be missed though.

I gotta be honest, I was hoping that you would go with the “I’m fighting an ear infection and the antibiotics are why my last post about the Texans was pretty much devoid of substantive argument” angle. Whatever, though.

Payton Menning apparently doesn’t like Matt Schaub’s smiling mug on our site. Come on now! What’s not to love? That’s the face of the future for Houston. And speaking of the Texas, it seems Texans fans were none to happy with my assessment of their QB situation as part of the AFC South Roundtable. Not only did Tim at BRB take exception, but so did Matt at Da Good, Da Bad, and DeMarco.

“DeMarco?” Seriously? As to Schaub’s face, I’m just going to use that as an excuse to post another link to this picture of David Carr. Never gets old.

DeMarco was the site that offered the most heated response. Matt, the writer there, reminds me a lot of… well, me.

That’s low.

Matt attacked my opinion like a wounded lioness protecting her cubs. While I respect his opinion and his passion (and his utter desperation that Schaub please, please, please work out as the starting QB), I take exception to one comment:

A quick primer, Mr. Shoe. The way it works generally is that you make a statement–say “Carr is better than Schaub”–and then you back it up with some supporting evidence. Please note, however, that “supporting evidence” does not include conjecture and some first-hand, hyperbole-riddled “evidence” that is completely unverifiable.

Sorry Matt, but that ain’t how it works. I don’t have to prove jack-friggin’-squat. Matt Schaub is the one who has to prove something.

Man, wouldn’t it be great if you were right? Think of the possibilities if one could make baseless assertions and then stand back and say “I don’t have to prove it!” For instance, I could say that Hill Country women are much hotter than women in Indianapolis and I wouldn’t even have to mention the androgyny, raw tonnage, or facial hair of the Hoosier broads. The world would be my oyster.

Sadly, however, that’s just not the case. At least not to anyone trying to make some sort of coherent argument about anything. YOU said that Carr was better than Schaub, so it’s on YOU to prove it. This isn’t some taste-test like “Pepsi v. Coke” or “Shoe’s Mom v. moldy camembert,1” where there is no objective way to measure such things. No, no… this is a direct apples-to-apples comparison. So compare. Or just sit back and say “I don’t have to and you can’t make me.” Because that’s clearly just as convincing.

Matt Schaub has to prove that he is better than David Carr, that he can do more with the tools given him than the rusty, bent set of junk the Texans dumped on Carr the four years he spent getting sacked there.

In terms of what he needs to do on the field to justify the price paid for him, you are correct. However, if you are relying on what Schaub needs to do going forward to prove that he is worse than David Carr in the past, you really aren’t saying much of anything. Think about that–you are saying that things Matt Schaub may or may not do in the future are worse than things David Carr has already done. What kind of comparison is that? “Yeah, the 2015 Giants are WAY better than the 2001 Patriots. Sorry Pats fans… you just need to face this truth right now.”

HOWEVER, if you are saying that–right now–Schaub is worse than Carr, then you should be able to point to something (anything!) to support this hypothesis. So which is it? Are you saying that Future Schaub is worse than yesterday’s David Carr, in which case we can pretty much ignore your post because you aren’t saying anything, or are you saying that Current Schaub is worse than Current Carr (or even last year’s Carr), in which case we can pretty much ignore your post because you are offering nothing that would back this claim?

Oh, wait! Maybe you do have some evidence. Let’s read on.

Right now, Schaub is started a grand total of ONE GAME, a game in which he lost.

What’s that old cliche? “Lesbians can smell fear.” No, wait… wrong one. “There’s lies, damn lies, and statistics” Yeah, that’s the one. First, the lie: Schaubby has started two games–the one you keep trying to beat into the ground and one the year before, against New Orleans. Second, the damn lie: You keep trying to equate this loss with poor performance on Schaub’s part. Well, the Boston Globe disagrees. In an article titled “QB Passes A Huge Test,” the author tosses out the following nuggets:

But with each completion to his big tight end, Alge Crumpler, and each toss downfield to wide receiver Brian Finneran, it became apparent Schaub was, at the very least, a capable replacement.

This team felt confident that we could perform with Matt Schaub, and I think that we proved that to be true.

White said Schaub is a natural fit for the offense. ‘We know whenever he steps in there, nobody loses a beat and we expect him to do the same things that he does every week in practice,’ White said after the game. ‘He’s a different quarterback than Mike’ [Author's note: This is a good thing.]

Vick he is not, but yesterday he might have served notice to quarterback-hungry NFL teams that he’s ready to lead his own team.

‘He’s a big player in this league, and when his contract’s up, it’s going to be interesting to see what happens with that guy,’ Finneran said.

Finally, there are the statistics: In this game, Schaub was 18 for 34, with 298 yards and three TDs. He led a 62-yard, game-tying drive in the fourth quarter and capped it with a two-point conversion pass. His rating for that game was 112.1. And, though you said last time that it was a “decimated” Patriots squad, McGinest, Warren, Vrabel, Samuel, Brown, Colvin, and Wilfork all played on the defense. Tom Brady spent his day throwing to two of his top three receivers (Givens and Branch) and both of his favorite TEs (Graham and Watson). He also handed the ball off 23 times to Corey Dillon. So, it sounds to me like “decimated” means “Troy Brown didn’t play much” in your book.

And since that is the only “evidence” to Matt has to back up his claim that Schaub is better, it kind of suggests that Matt’s inflated opinion of Schaub is based on “conjecture and some first-hand, hyperbole-riddled ‘evidence’ that is completely unverifiable.”

Um, there’s nothing conjectural or hyperbolic about 18-34, 3TDs, and 298 yards. That’s all pretty much verifiable. See, for instance, here. Thankfully, though, that’s not all I am relying upon. When I said he has a faster release and better pocket presence, I was referring to the video from NFL Network I linked to here as well as my own observations (echoed by other bloggers) gleaned from watching the Texans’ minicamp. (Note, while the minicamp stuff is first-hand, it is not hyperbole-ridden and it is easily verifiable by reading others’ thoughts on it as well as simply by watching the tape. Please don’t conflate me saying “I saw it on TV” with your ridiculous statement about watching Carr “several times” and being “amazed” at how well he played. Not the same.)

Which kind of makes Matt a hypocrite.

Hypocrite. n. “A person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives.” I am professing a belief and an opinion that Schaub is better than David Carr, which happens to be a belief that I also hold. Sorry to ruin your best attempt at a pithy punchline.

All that said, the sheer ferociousness of Texans fans on the subject of Schaub v. Carr tells me that they are afraid.

OR… it could mean that they are sick of hearing how Carr was getting a bum rap, when anyone with half a brain could see that David Carr was responsible for a large number of the sacks of David Carr. It doesn’t really matter how good your line is when you hold the ball forever.

If Carr succeeds in Carolina and Schaub flounders in Houston, it means the problem was always something other than Carr, which means a majority of Texans fans were wrong to bash him.

And if the Queen had balls, she’d be the King. Your point? If Carr rides the pine in Carolina and Schaub makes the Pro Bowl, then we were all right. You can’t play the “If” game to justify a claim Carr is better than Schaub. “Car travel is safer than air travel. If a lot of planes crash this year, that will mean the people who bashed cars were wrong.”

And no one likes to be wrong.

You certainly seem to enjoy it.

Sorry Texans fans, but this time you are.

Man, after all the evidence and persuasive argument you’ve offered, you MUST be right.

I don’t know if David Carr will succeed with the Panthers, but I certainly will pull for him. In the years I watched him play in Houston, I never saw a whiny Ryan Leaf-like punk or an oft-injured bust ala Tim Couch.

You also apparently didn’t see a guy who made little effort to bond with his teammates, was told not to try to read defenses because he wasn’t good at it, and allowed his overbearing dad to become a fixture around the facilities. You must’ve been napping during those parts.

[Author's note: Shoe concludes with some stuff about how David was a gamer and never complained and his line was shitty and he had no receivers and lot of other tired stuff that we've gone over time and time again. At this point, though, I am bored and should probably actually do some work. Suffice it to say that he's wrong over the last few paragraphs, too.]

1 Best known for its creamy texture and mushroomy aroma.

Len loves Owen Daniels’ uncle Jack

Jun 25, 2007 Andre Johnson, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Preview, Shameless begging, The Schaub Experiment

Here’s the part of the show where I do a little begging. Think of it like a Jerry Lewis telethon, but without all those depressing kids. (I’ll even get drunk and put on an ill-fitting tux to really sell the visual.)

In the near-two-month run of this blog, we have managed to be early reporters of a number of stories regarding the team. Part of this is because I spend way too much time on the computer, part of it is because I blog from work, and part of it is because fantastically awesome readers find a story on the web and email me about it. It’s this last part that I really like. It makes me feel all, like, important and stuff. Whenever that happens, though, I think to myself how cool it would be to be one step higher on the news foodchain. That is, the be the person who actually broke the story.

Which brings me to my point.

You see, in my mind, I like to pretend like at least one person with ties to the Texans organization knows of DGDB&D’s existence. If nothing else, someone out there has to have some inside scoop on stuff like Charles Spencer’s leg and the coaches’ real reactions to minicamp performances. Well, to that person, I say “help me help you.”

I am looking for a stool pigeon source or two to drop a little knowledge on this site from time to time. Nothing formal, nothing fancy–just an email to me whenever you hear something of interest. Or a willingness to reply to my emails full of random questions. In return, I promise two things: 1. Complete and total anonymity. I won’t even tell my wife who you are. Crap, you don’t even have to tell me who you are. 2. My undying gratitude. And a kidney if you ever need one.

So, uh… yeah. If you are interested, shoot me an email.

/shameless begging

Two stories of interest in the big sports websites. First, from FoxSports, Adam Schein lists Matt Schaub as one of his nine breakout players in 2007.

Matt Schaub: I’ve been saying it for a long time. If you give Matt Schaub 16 games, he’ll automatically be a top 16 quarterback. The Texans are giving him more than a full season. Houston is giving him $40 million and the keys to the franchise. Schaub is a quick study and has had a great off-season under quarterback guru and Texans coach Gary Kubiak. Schaub gets to work with one of the elite receivers in the game in Andre Johnson. Owen Daniels is an emerging threat at tight end. And the Texans offensive line, while not great, is improved. Schaub will put himself and the Texans on the map with a big season.

Now, I love the optimism here. I even believe most of it. I do think it might be a bit much to say he’ll “automatically” be a top 16 QB, however. Could he be top 16? Sure, I suppose anything is possible. Will he be? Well, that is going to depend on a lot more than Owen Daniels. In the end, though, I think upper half is a solid and realistic goal for Schaubby this season. And I can’t imagine a scenario where I would say the same thing for David Carr.

Second, Len P mentions that the Texans need to get more pressure on opposing QBs. Ya think? Thank you, Len, for that insight. I look forward to your next article, in which you point out how winning teams usually score more than losing teams. [Author's tangent: Is it just me, or does every picture of Len look like he's coming off a four-day bender?]

Cleo Lemon aids in clipboard duties

Jun 24, 2007 Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans, Weak-ass arguments

Confused? Don’t be. Look here for an explanation of what’s going on.

Win #3–Week 5 vs. Miami. In the interest of full disclosure, I suppose I should mention something. I have always been and continue to be very anti-Trent Green. I’ve hated him since I lived in Kansas City and I think he’s horribly overrated. I also think he’s a concussion-prone ninny who throws like a 12-year-old girl on any pass over 20 yards. So, this animosity surely played into this post.

Anyway… aside from Trent Green, two other things made me mark this one as a win. First, there is the Dolphins’ schedule. Their game against Houston comes in the middle of their “easy” stretch (Oakland, Houston, Cleveland) and this stretch is followed by a home game against the Pats. Now, I suppose that the Cleveland game is more technically the “trap” game, but I really think the location of the Houston game in the schedule plays to our advantage. They play Oakland the week before and, while the Raiders might not score many points, that defense can smack people in the mouth.

Second, there is just a gut-feeling at work here. Every year, teams win (and lose) games they have no business winning (or losing). I just have a hunch that this is one of those games. Green is going to be beaten up by Oakland, the Dolphins are going to be somewhat flat because of the perceived ease of the schedule, and the Texans are going to be up following the win against the Falcons the week before.

Yeah, I know how weak this one sounds. You’re just going to have to trust me on it. Or ridicule me in the comments. Whatever.

Trent Dilfer-itis is contagious

Jun 22, 2007 Andre Johnson, Batman, Broken Record, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Gary Kubiak, Offensive (punch)Line, Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment

Through the magical power of Google, I get an email anytime anything is posted to a blog (or most news sources) with the words “Houston” or “Texans” in the body. I, for one, welcome our new Google overlords.

Anyway… I received one of these emails yesterday and it pointed me to the blog “Stampede Blue,” where something called “BigBlueShoe” was opining on the Texans’ upcoming season. Normally, such a thing would not inspire more than a comment or two. The smugness and overall idiocy of this post, however, requires actual fisking. (Yes, I realize that most of this is just a rehashing of the same stuff I’ve been writing about for two months. Whatever. The post bugged me.)

Let’s do this.

The Texans acquired Schaub in the trade with Atlanta, gave him a nice new contract, and then kicked their former-franchise QB, and #1 overall pick in 2002, David Carr to the curb. I know Texans fans are tired of hearing this, but sometimes the truth hurts: David Carr is a fine QB, and Matt Schaub is not an upgrade over Carr.

Oh, really? And what, pray tell, are you basing this on? I mean, if you are going to put it in bold letters, you must really have some insight into why Schaub is no better. In fact, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt for a second and let you make that argument.

Yes, I agree with Trent Dilfer. Call me crazy. Call me silly. Call me Al.

How about I call you “dumb?” Would that work? After all, that’s what we all called Trent Dilfer when he made the original statement that you agree with. Oh, by the way, you still have not shown me why Schaub is not an upgrade. Maybe in the next sentence…

I’ve watched several Texans games, and every time I’ve watched I’ve marveled at just how well Carr played despite the fact that his coaches were morons and his offensive line couldn’t block Rose O’Donnell and the cast of The View if they were in pads (scary thought).

You mean the line that had a lower sack percentage (despite Carr’s reluctance to get rid of the ball before properly observing every option at least four times) than teams like the Seahawks, Falcons, Steelers, etc? That line? Hold on… did you just use “several” in reference to games in which you “marveled” at how well Carr played? Where did you set the bar for playing well? By that standard, Cleo Lemon is poised to blow your freakin’ mind this season.

(A quick primer, Mr. Shoe. The way it works generally is that you make a statement–say “Carr is better than Schaub”–and then you back it up with some supporting evidence. Please note, however, that “supporting evidence” does not include conjecture and some first-hand, hyperbole-riddled “evidence” that is completely unverifiable.)

Like all skill positions, QBs must have talent around them to grow and succeed. Carr never had that. Hell, he didn’t even have decent talent. It was all pretty much just suck-a-rific bad.

Last season, behind a much-improved line and throwing to Andre Johnson and Eric Moulds (who, admittedly, didn’t pan out, though a lot of that was due to Carr as well), Carr was not demonstrably better than he had been in the previous seasons. Sure, the lack of a running game was painful, but just as painful was the way Carr played. By the end of the year, the coaches were asking Dave just to get rid of the ball on short routes and stop playing like he’d recently had a lobotomy. Hell, one can make the argument that even Sage Rosenfels would have been an upgrade over Carr by the end of last year. No, he never had a team reminiscent of the Pats or Colts around him, but he did show an inability to utilize the players who were there.

Peyton Manning would not be the football god he is today without having Tarik Glenn as his left tackle, Marvin Harrison as his WR, and Tom Moore as his offensive coordinator for his entire career. Glenn and Harrison are HoFers. Moore is the best OC in football, and has been for many years. Manning also had the luxury of having guys like C Jeff Saturday, WR Reggie Wayne, TE Marcus Pollard, and RB Edgerrin James for most of his career. David Carr never had those things, and Matt Schaub doesn’t have them now.

You left out “Reche Caldwell choking worse than Dirk Diggler’s girlfriend” and “Rex Grossman turning in a performance that was slightly more painful to watch than your own grandma in a trucker gangbang” as things that helped Manning achieve “god” status. All joking aside, I think we all agree that Schaub does not have the 2006 Colts around him. Which is why no one is picking the Texans as a Super Bowl contender. Then again, you could also argue that Manning’s preparation and ability and whatnot made all of those guys seem better than they might have been without him; it cuts both ways, you see.

Of course, you still have not acknowledged that the Texans line is nowhere near as bad as you make it out to be, that Andre Johnson is amazingly good, that Schaub has a much quicker release than Carr, etc. No need to let silly old facts get in the way of a good screed, I guess

Schaub is living off a reputation built up by his performance in one game which he lost. Schaub’s 3 TD performance against a decimated Patriots team is pretty much all Schaub has done in his three seasons in the NFL. Other than that, Schaub ain’t done squat. And the sad part is, this STILL makes him better than Vick.

Maybe that is what made Schaub that #1 number two QB in the league over the past couple years. So what? That does not prove that he is not a better QB than Carr. And, for the record, since coming to the Texans, Schaub has also built a reputation of being a great teammate, a hardworker, and more impressive in workouts than DC ever was. So, if you want to completely throw out any carryover reputation from the Pats game, I would still take Schaub based on what he’s shown since coming to Houston.

All that said, Schaub might work out as an improvement just because he’s a new face, a symbol that times are changing. Yes, that is indeed pathetic, but what else can you say for a franchise that has never won more than 8 games in one season.

Wait… wha? Let me see if I follow your “argument” so far: Carr is better than Schaub because David impressed you on television “several” times, despite not being the Colts’ QB. Schaub is a turd because he threw three TDs against the Pats, but his team lost. Ergo, Schaub might work out simply because he’s a new face? Huh? (As for what else can you say about the franchise, how about “they swept the Jags last year and beat the Colts once, so there is reason to think that an upgrade at QB and a healthy line could make them a 9-7 team with a little luck?”

Schaub is throwing to the same over-rated group of receivers Carr did.

A. No, he’s not. Other than Johnson, of course. B. I thought you said they were suck-a-riffically bad. How can you be awful, be called awful, and then simultaneously be overrated? Are you saying they are actually worse than awful?

His offensive line is still bad.

Well, it was better than a number of teams last year, it is finally healthy as a unit (even with Spencer still banged up), and it has a QB behind it now that doesn’t turn into a deer in the headlights in the face of a linebacker.

Like Carr, Schaub will likely not have a consistent running game. Free agent acquisition Ahman Green is done, and it’s obvious.

Man, you are just full of baseless assertions today, aren’t you? How is it “obvious” that Batman is done? By the 266 carries, 1059 yards, and 5 TDs he had last year?

So, unless they can get some talent around him, Schaub is doomed to the same fate Carr was.

Umm… I thought you just said that Schaub might work out because he has a different face. Which is it? And, considering your premise is faulty (that there is “no” talent around Schaub), shouldn’t we also assume that you conclusion is wrong? I vote yes.

If someone sees where in this post the author made a solid argument, based upon demonstrable evidence, that Schaub will not be better than Carr, would you please point it out. At best, I find him rehashing the same tired assumptions about the Texans, interspersed with some random assertions that he does not (or cannot) back up.

Finally, Shoe ends the piece with a line about how Carr might overtake Delhomme in Carolina before the two teams meet. All I can say is I hope so.

Jason Campbell is not related to me

Jun 20, 2007 Amobi Okoye is 20, Andre Johnson, Athletes who don't stab people, DeMeco Ryans, Mike Vick, Preview, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment

A post in which I randomly throw random bits of randomness at you.

A friend pointed out that, in my post about us beating the Falcons, I off-handedly mentioned how they were relying on two rookies (Anderson, Houston) without mentioning that we are relying on one rookie and two second-year players. While he is technically correct, I offer the following in rebuttal:

  1. I never claimed to be anywhere close to rational. Or sane. I merely said that I could come up with nine games in which we had a better-than-average chance of winning. If, in breaking down these games, some of my arguments seem specious, it is probably because they are.
  2. I still think that it is more likely than not that Ron Mexico will not be under center for that week 4 game. The only thing less scary1 than Joe Harrington as a backup QB is Joe Harrington as a fill-in starter.
  3. There’s a difference between relying on a rookie CB with marginal cover skills and a rookie DT. If one of them loses his battle, it is an immediate TD. For the other, failure is less obvious and less damaging on the scoreboard in any given single instance.
  4. At the same time, there is a similarity between the two–both will likely be targeted by the opposing team’s offense. In Manchild’s case, teams will not want to let the hyped rookie beat them and inflict his brand of Nigerian pain upon their respective QBs. Of course, by focusing on him, you take focus away from Super Mario or someone else on the d-line. This is a good thing (for us). On the other hand, targeting Chris Houston will have more to do with the fact that you think you can beat him. Having seen him play nearly every game last year, a fair assessment would be that he is freakishly athletic, has a nose for the big play, but does not cover well one-on-one. This is also a good thing (for us).
  5. DeMeco is great. I realize that this is hardly dispositive, but it warrants mentioning.

Moving on…

Someone over at Chron.com read my previous post (about national media coverage) and said something about how my use of footnotes was a poor rip-off of David Foster Wallace. Now, without appearing too thin-skinned, I should mention that I have no idea if he is correct or not, as I have never read anything by Wallace. (I mean “correct” in the sense that Wallace uses footnotes. Hell, I am sure he’s correct that what I am doing is not of the same literary quality as DFW’s work.) If anything, my use of footnotes is a holdover from law school and more closely resembles a Chuck Klosterman ripoff. Without the emo glasses.

‘Member how Keenan McCardell came and worked out for the team? Well, his decision is apparently down to us and the Washington Redskins. Leaving aside his age, that he is from Houston, and that no one in his right mind would want to be a Redskin, I still don’t see why KMc would choose D.C. over Houston. Here, he likely steps right into a starting role across from Andre Johnson. There, he competes with four veteran receivers (Moss, Randle El, Thrash, and Lloyd). Here, he steps into a receiver-friendly offense with an unproven QB. There, he steps into Joe Gibbs’ offense with an unproven QB. Etc. I predict he’ll sign here unless Dan Snyder is just trying to collect WRs and is willing to grossly overpay to get him. Which is always possible.

Finally, an interesting post about professional sports teams with all-time records under .500. Yes, we are on there. But, we’re only two undefeated regular seasons away from breaking even.

1 I use “less” from the opposing team’s perspective; if you are a Falcons fan, feel free to read that as “more.”

Bill Simmons knows all too well what can happen

Jun 18, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Desperate times call for desperate MEshawns, Preview, Righteous Indignation, Teams that aren't the Texans

I was sitting here at my desk, daydreaming about pretzels and contemplating the overall awesomeness of me, when I realized something. It somehow became in vogue1 to pick the Texans as a “sleeper” team. Stephanie did a rundown of the writers who claim the Texans are (conceivably, maybe) ready to (possibly) make the jump to the land of respectability this season.

Yes, it seems that, no matter where one looks, one is likely to find some sort of tale regarding the Texans and their potential lack of suckiosity. These stories usually fall into one of three categories: (1) Gary Kubiak is a brilliant savior of teams and drowning puppies, (2) Holy crap, the offensive line might not be gawd-awful, or (3) dang, there’s a lot of talent in that defensive front seven.

I certainly cannot disagree with any of those above premises; in fact, an overwhelming majority of my writing is based on those ideas.2 And that is exactly why I hate these stories!

You see, though I do my best to pretend otherwise, I realize that my best work at DGDB&D comes in the form of righteous indignation at the slights I perceive to have been cast upon the Texans. In this way, I am not unlike the Red Sox fan, circa 20033–we both enjoy defending our team against commonly held notions of their respective futility. Without that, we have to find a new identity. (Of course, unlike the Red Sox fan, losing the ability to complain about being shortchanged in the media would not also turn me into a gloating, insufferable turd. Unless we won the Super Bowl. In which case, it probably would.)

I am obviously being somewhat melodramatic here. No one in his or her right mind is predicting the Texans to win the Super Bowl (or even make the playoffs), and my prediction of 9 wins is probably the highest number you will see outside the TexansTalk message board. Still, running a blog about the Texans, especially in the offseason, is much easier when you can pick and chose from the list of commonly held beliefs about your team and try to shoot them down; if the team showing great improvement becomes a commonly held belief, I’ll just be part of the crowd chiming in.

With that in mind, I was somewhat happy to see this blurb from Matt Mosley on Hashmarks today.

When your best offseason move is hiring a Munich-based composer to come up with two new fight songs, you must be the Houston Texans.

Oh, sure, I called him a jerk in the comments, but that is more about keeping up appearances. I am glad to see that someone is still priming the pump4 of my righteous indignation.

[Author's note: About that "fight song" thing. It seems that the team has hired Sam Spence of NFL Films music fame to write two songs about the boys in Battle Red. I applied for the gig, but they weren't interested. If anyone wants to buy a song called "DeMeco Ryans plays so well, he can have his way with my mom," email me.]

1Not to be confused with En Vogue, with their infectious “My lovin’/ yeah, you’re never gonna get it” groove.
2Along with, of course, (4) the trainwreck that is Petey Faggins, (5) random factoids about my life that none of you even pretend to care about, and (6) Keyshawn Johnson.
3Except I am usually not an obnoxious Masshole.
4Which sounds dirty, but isn’t.

Tyrone Whealey had his way with the Huskies

Jun 16, 2007 Holiday posts, Michigan Wolverines, Teams that aren't the Texans

Happy Father’s Day.

I was really trying to write some heart-string-tugging piece about my dad and some shared love for football. Ain’t gon’ happen, though. While I have all sorts of great (and not-so-great) stories about my pops, he was not and is not a football fan. I honestly can remember only one time that he watched a football game–the 1993 Rose Bowl, in which Michigan defeated the Washington Huskies on the strength of Tyrone Wheatley’s 235 rushing yards and 3 TDs (on 15 friggin’ carries!).

Now, considering I have watched every nationally televised Wolverine game since 1989 (including eight Rose Bowls in that timeframe), the only explanation for this game standing out in my mind is because I watched it with my dad.

Oddly, though, I can recall nothing substantive about actually watching the game with him. I remember Wheatley breaking off his 88-yard run. I remember the Elvis Grbac to Tony McGee TD that won the game. I remember cursing Mark Brunell for roughly three hours. But I remember not a single thing my dad said or did during that game; I just know he was there and, somehow, that is enough to make the game incredibly memorable.

Alright, I just re-read the above and I realize how much it screams of unresolved daddy issues. That’s not really the goal. It’s just that my dad didn’t like football (he’s a baseball man) and, somehow, his lack of interest in it made the one time… aww, hell, you get it.

Anyway, just remember to call your dad today. And if you have kids, make those little turds wait on you hand-and-foot.

***

For much lighter holiday blogging, I point you in the direction of this post from Kissing Suzy Kolber. I also point you to LaRon Landry getting shot. In the junk. By someone not named “Sean Taylor.”

***

Finally, before you accuse me of posting something that has NOTHING to do with the Texans, realize that Mark Bruener was involved in the 1993 Rose Bowl and caught a TD pass. So there.

Donovin Darius has nothing to do with the Achemenides family

Jun 15, 2007 Donovin Darius, Preview, Secondary issues are primary

Donovin Darius was released by the Jaguars yesterday. This apparently came as a shock to the veteran safety. According to Len Pasquarelli

Still recovering from the broken right ankle that he sustained in December, his second major injury in two years, Darius isn’t quite ready yet to return to the field. But the man who was the face of the Jaguars’ defense for a lot of years is on track to be ready for training camp, and should have multiple teams inquiring about him, if he is healthy.

Darius was always a liability in coverage, but was a solid tackler and a good force against the run. There almost certainly will be some team with a need for a guy like Darius, on the field, and in its locker room.


Now, obviously, when your team has two safeties like Glen Earl and C.C. Brown, the cutting of any big name safety is going to pique some interest. In fact, no sooner had Darius been given his pink slip than Scott opined about the need for the Texans to sign the man. (There is also some good discussion in the comments over there regarding Darius’s role and cost.)

Len’s comment that Darius “was always a liability in coverage” is no hyperbole; the guy could always hit like a truck, but couldn’t defend Stephen Hawking rolling uphill in the snow. That said, I do think DD could play a role in this defense in certain packages at the very minimum. I also don’t know that I can say he’d be any worse in coverage than the existing tandem; I mean, hell, Kubiak is trying out Dexter McCleon at safety. If Darius is healthy (a rather large “if” at this moment), he could step in and compete for the starting job, deficiencies be darned. (He could also mentor Brandon Harrison and–if he makes the team–Brandon Mitchell.)

Now, certainly, all of this discussion comes with three conditions. First, as mentioned, that Darius is at some point in the near future healthy enough to pass a physical. Second, that he come into camp knowing that he is competing for the starting job and not being handed it outright. Third, that he sign for a reasonable amount of guaranteed money, which is to say that he allows himself to be paid what he is actually worth. But, if all of these conditions are met, I think he’d make a solid addition to a secondary that is looking for a little swagger and more than a little talent.

Todd Weiner… heh… "Todd"

Jun 14, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, Big dudes doing the little things, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans

For an explanation of what the heck I am doing here, see this post.

Win #2–Week 4 @ Atlanta. I wanted to claim that the second win would come in the second game, as the Texans roll into Carolina and exorcise the final memories of David Carr. I wanted to, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it for a number of reasons. So it is that, in week 4, the Texans will bring their record back to .500 with a victory over Matt Schaub’s former employers.

Why? Well, first, there is the little issue of a certain overrated QB and some dog fighting.1 Assuming Robespierre Goodell continues his reign of terror on NFL ne’er-do-wells, Señor Mexico certainly faces at least 4 games. And this, children, means that Joey Harrington will be under center. Ballgame.

But what if Vick is not suspended? I’m still calling this one win number two. While the Falcons’ linebackers are good, they are still part of a starting front seven that only totaled 12.5 sacks. Just as importantly, Grady Jackson appears to be rapidly declining as an interior player and there are still some unanswered questions regarding John Abraham’s ability to still be a full-time contributor. (He played in only 8 games last year as was less than effective when he did play.) The defense will also be relying on two rookies from Arkansas–Jamaal Anderson and Chris Houston–at DE and CB. Add an old SS and a mediocre (at best) FS and you have a front unit that doesn’t get much pressure, a shaky secondary situation, and a defensive right side that should be susceptible to the run. The Texans will be able to score in that equation.

When the Falcons have the ball, I look for them to allow DeMeco to spy Vick throughout the game. Also, because Vick is a lefty, Greenwood (or one of the new LBs) will probably keep contain if/when Mike rolls out, allowing DeMeco to defend Crumpler over the middle. Shante Orr and Weaver (switching sides with Mario for this one?)will have run responsibilities (assuming Manchild gets some middle penetration, which should be achievable against Tyson Clabo). That kind of run defense should be enough against a finesse back like Dunn.

When Vick throws, Joe Horn is a couple years removed from being an elite receiver and Dunta matches up well with Horn at this point. Petey will continue to be a question, but with a little help over the top he should be able to adequately defend Michael Jenkins or Roddy White.

Thus, the Texans will end September at 2-2.

1 Allegedly.

Amobi Okoye has the odds in his favor

Jun 14, 2007 1997-2006 Drafts, Amobi Okoye is 20, Big dudes doing the little things, Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans

Oh. Yeah. I forgot to finish the Amobi hype post. Dang that beer and sun for warping my already-muddled brain.

ANYWAY…here’s the list of defensive tackles taken with a Top-16 pick in the last 10 years.

  • Darrell Russell, 1997. Taken by Oakland Raiders with 2d pick.
  • Anthony McFarland, 1999. Taken by Tampa Bay Buccaneers with 15th pick.
  • Corey Simon, 2000. Taken by Philadelphia Eagles with 6th pick.
  • Gerard Warren, 2001. Taken by Cleveland Browns with 3d pick.
  • Damione Lewis, 2001. Taken by St. Louis Rams with 12th pick.
  • Marcus Stroud, 2001. Taken by Jacksonville Jaguars with 13th pick.
  • Ryan Sims, 2002. Taken by Kansas City Chiefs with 6th pick.
  • John Henderson, 2002. Taken by Jacksonville Jaguars with 9th pick.
  • Wendell Bryant, 2002. Taken by Arizona Cardinals with 12th pick.
  • Albert Haynesworth, 2002. Taken by Tennessee Titans with 15th pick.
  • Dewayne Robertson, 2003. Taken by New York Jets with 4th pick.
  • Kevin Williams, 2003. Taken by Minnesota Vikings with 9th pick.
  • Tommie Harris, 2004. Taken by Chicago Bears with 14th pick.
  • Travis Johnson, 2005. Taken by Houston Texans with 16th pick.
  • Haloti Ngata, 2006. Taken by Baltimore Ravens with 12th pick.
  • Brodrick Bunkley, 2006. Taken by Philadelphia Eagles with 14th pick.

So, what do we have? The Good: The late Russell was a two-time Pro Bowler and, his drug problems notwithstanding, was a very good NFL player. Booger was an integral part of a Super Bowl defense and has been a solid contributor throughout his career. Corey Simon was a Pro Bowler and racked up 32 sacks in 5 years in Philly before injuries curtailed his production and playing time. Stroud is a 3-time Pro Bowler and has paired with fellow list member John Henderson (2 Pro Bowls) to form one of the most dominant tackle duos in recent memory. Noted headstomper Haynesworth has become one of the better run stuffing DTs in the game over the past few season. Robertson has not been all-world, but has played well, notching 200 total tackles in 5 years. Williams has also racked up 199 in the same timeframe, but has added 23 sacks, 2 INTs, and 23 passes defended. Tommie Harris has made two Pro Bowls and was second in DROY voting, a he also played a dominant role in the Bears’ Super Bowl defense. Finally, while it’s probably a little premature to call him a success, Ngata has shown the ability to be a big-time run stuffer and has also flashed athleticism that belies his size. That’s 10 in the “success” column.

The Bad: Gerard Warren was drafted ahead of Shaun Rogers and LaDanian Tomlinson. Whoops. Damione Lewis was part of a string of really bad draft picks by the Rams. Ryan Sims has had injury issues and has had only one season that could be called above average. Wendell Bryant is working at a car wash somewhere. Travis Johnson… well… you know. Finally–and again it might be premature–Bunkley was less-than-good last season in Philly. That’s 6 in the “poop” column.

What does it all mean? Well, on pure numbers alone, it looks like Okoye has a better than 50-50 shot at panning out. That’s comforting. Other than that, what is most noteworthy is the disparity between good and bad careers on this list. I mean, there’s not a lot of middle ground (Robertson would probably be the closest to the middle); these guys for the most part either become dominant interior player or they just flat fail. Which, I suppose, speaks to the importance of the position–mediocre just won’t cut it in the middle of an NFL line.

Obviously, nothing here is a guarantee or curse that Manchild will or will not fail. However, when you consider (a) that DTs drafted in the top half of the draft have more often than not become solid NFL players, and (b) that Okoye is highly intelligent as well as gifted athletically, it stands to reason that he has a good chance to live up to his advanced billing.

At least, that’s what I tell myself when trying to sleep at night.

Barry Word will be watching something else by halftime

Jun 14, 2007 Andre Johnson, Batman, Offensive (punch)Line, Preview, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans

The other day, I was talking to a friend about the upcoming NFL season. Predictably, the subject of the Texans’ final record came up and I mentioned (not the least bit facetiously) that “at worst, they go 8-8.” I followed that up with “actually… I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised with 9-7.”

Obviously, this is a lie; I would be very pleasantly surprised with nine wins. Not because I don’t think they can do it, however… simply because they never have done it. Totally different.

Anyway, the aforementioned friend challenged me to find nine games on the schedule that the Texans were even somewhat likely to win. I agreed, with the caveat that I am doing this exercise under the assumption that there will be no horrific injuries in training camp that would drastically alter whole seasons. I mean, if LaDanian Tomlinson blows out both knees in early August, then you have to like our chances against the Chargers a LOT more than you do now. So, like I said, barring any of that, I had to come up with nine games. (In order to milk this topic, I am going to do it one game at a time over a series of posts.)

Win #1–Week 1 v. Kansas City. Not too long ago, I wrote over at TexansTalk that the Chiefs’ offensive line was demonstrably worse than the Texans’ in terms of sacks allowed and sack percentage. Well, you know what? That line got WORSE over the off-season, led by the retirement of future-Hall-of-Famer Willie Roaf. They recently brought in old, slow, and oft-injured Kyle Turley for a workout, mere months after cutting him following a subpar 2006. I’m sure this makes defensive linemen everywhere smile. The rest of the line is made up of household names like “Bober” and “McIntosh.”

Now, granted, they still have loads of offensive talent at RB and TE, and could have a decent receiving corps with Kennison, Parker, and Bowe. That is somewhat negated however by the offensive line issues and by rumors that Brodie Croyle is going to be the starter (I’m not buying that; I think Huard will start the season). At some point in this first game, Mario Williams will put a Mortal Kombat-esque finishing move on Huard/Croyle and visibly remove the QB’s soul on television. It’ll be awesome.

On the other side of the ball, the Chiefs starting defensive backfield is a combined 116 years old. This is not a joke. Both of their starting corners–once Pro Bowlers, in the era of leather helmets I think–are over 30. If you think Ty Law or Patrick Surtain can cover Andre Johnson, well… you’re an idiot. They do have a good linebacking corps, but the front four leave much to be desired. This deficit should equate nicely into a 100 yard game for Batman, as he grabs yardage in 5 and 6 yard chunks all day long. (Which, obviously, sets up the play action. Bonus.)

Now, I figure that Larry Johnson will score at some point in this game. He’s too good not to. Still, I can see Houston putting up at least 28 points and I don’t figure Kansas City to get the ball into the endzone more than twice. So, chalk up a nice opening day win for the Texans.

Petey Faggins and I have two things in common

Jun 13, 2007 Amobi Okoye is 20, Athletes who don't stab people, Batman, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Preview, The Schaub Experiment

First, neither of us is an NFL-quality cornerback. Second, we both have a birthday today. Demarcus is 28; I am 29. That really seems to be where the similarities end.
Moving on…

Yes, the vacation has sadly come to an end. Total distance flown: 2450 miles. Total distance driven: 1100. Of course, now that I am back at work, I will have plenty of time to post. And, what with the end of OTAs, the goings-on of mini-camp, and Amobi turning 20, there is much to discuss.

ESPN’s Jeffri Chadiha has an interesting article about the increased reliance teams are putting on “aging” (read: over 30) RBs. The majority of the article, however, is about Ahman Green and how he’s ready to prove his doubters wrong this season.

Green adds that he hasn’t been as excited about an upcoming season in a long time. He heard all the whispers about his decline after sustaining a quadriceps injury in 2005, but he rebounded to gain 1,059 yards on 266 carries last season. He also had to go through contract talks with the Packers that left him looking for a better opportunity elsewhere.

“They told me they thought I only had two good years left in me,” Green says. “I told them I didn’t agree with that. I still feel like I have a lot more left.”

I gotta say, along with The Schaub Experiment and the Okoye-Mario tandem, I am pumped about Batman being in a Texans uni. I even wrote a post on it somewhere (post-vacation hangover–way too lazy to look for the post). Barring something catastrophic, I think we can pencil him in for over 1100 yards. When’s the last time you were thinking that going into a season?

So, I caught some of mini-camp on the NFL network last night. Two things were noticeable, at least in the 7-on-7 drills. First, Schaub has a much quicker release than I realized; he’s getting the timing down and the ball is out as soon as his back foot hits. That is a tremendous sign, considering what we used to have under center. Second, DeMeco Ryans looks like all the hype and awards have not gone to his head. He was listening to coaches and–even better–asking players like Shawn Barber for advice and insight.

(One other thing I noticed–Bradlee Van Pelt has a WAY better arm than I realized.)

Finally–at least for this morning–Tim at BRB offers a rebuttal to Trent Dilfer’s verbal fellating of David Carr. I am just going to assume that Dilfer has an amazingly dry sense of humor.

Chuck D isn’t sure whether to buy the hype

Jun 9, 2007 Amobi Okoye is 19, Hype, Preview, Tequila, Vacation-related posts

Greetings from the Redneck Riviera! Stage Two of Vacation 2007 took us from Phoenix, where it was 109 degrees with zero humidity, to the shores of the Gulf of Mexico, where it is 90 degrees with 90 percent humidity.

Not that you care about the weather, or even about my whereabouts.

Anyway, on the drive down here Thursday night, I was thinking about hype. More accurately, I was trying to think of things that had lived up to their advanced level of promotion. The list was pretty short.

Pulp Fiction. Roger Creager in concert. Bo Jackson’s arm. Patron tequila. Miami nightlife. The Mousetrap. LeBron James. That’s about it.

What does this have to do with anything? Well… I was thinking about all of that in the context of Manchild.

[Author's Note: Right here is where I'd planned to do a long post about defensive tackles taken with top 10 picks. That will have to wait, though, as a I have a beach and cooler full of beer calling me. More later.]

Mark Bruener rolls his hips like Shakira

Jun 6, 2007 Big dudes doing the little things, Fred Weary is dirty, Mark Bruener, Preview

It is not every day1 that a Texans player is held out as the archetype for his position. At one point, long before he wore Battle Red, I suppose Tony Boselli was the prototypical left tackle. But that was many years and many steroid-related injuries ago. So, when I found this little nugget within a breakdown of NFL TE scouting, I just had to pass it along.

Run Blocking: Run blocking is where tight ends earn their paychecks. Most people look at the red-zone touchdowns as the role of a tight end, but the majority of NFL offenses still teach run blocking over route running. The tight end is the catalyst for most off-tackle and outside runs. Depending on the play called and the blocking scheme, the tight end can be one of the most important people on the field. Run blocking is an unquestioned skill that every tight end must possess or learn immediately. Being an effective run blocker is what keeps most rookies off the field.

Scouting Points: Just as there were a few techniques to look at with pass blocking, there are some with run blocking. I won’t get into steps as much here, but some things to look for follow. The tight end needs to be the first man off the line of scrimmage on every play. He must anticipate the snap count and fire off into his man. Once he has made contact, the blocker must get inside leverage (on the chest plate in most cases) and drive his man in the direction the play calls for. This is where lower-body strength comes into play. The tight end must be strong enough to use his butt and legs to drive the defender. The blocker will take short, choppy steps in an effort to move the defender. This is where the term “rolling your hips” comes from. The blocker should be rolling through his defender by using his legs to drive block.

Pro Standard: Mark Bruener, Houston Texans

I don’t know this Matt Miller fella from Adam, so I am completely unaware as to his credentials when it comes to scouting anything. Regardless, I always enjoy seeing a Texan held out as an example of anything good. I mean, Fred Weary might be the most giving swinger at the club, but that’s not exactly the type of stuff that translates to the football field; being a very good run blocker obviously does.

1 This is what the kids call “an understatement.”

Petey Faggins inspires much electronic correspondence

Jun 5, 2007 Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Gary Kubiak might be high,