DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Biz Markie ain’t buyin’ the "Just a Friend" line

Jun 29, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Renee Zellweger

Wow. That last post was really grumpy.

I’m sorry, Tina Turner… I don’t know why I get like that some times. You know… Ike just has a lot of stress, and then I start drinking, and–well–I’m sorry, baby. No, shh, come here. Let Ike hold you.

There, that’s better.

This week’s row with BBS gave me an idea–I should interview Peyton Manning. I mean, how hard could it be to get him on the phone and ask a few questions? Not too difficult, apparently, as I tracked him down in a couple hours this afternoon.

Peyton Manning: Uh… hello?
Me: Peyton?
PM: Huh?
Me: Peyton Manning?
PM: Yeah. Who’s this?
Me: Matt from DGDB&D.
PM: Who?
Male Voice in Background: Who is that?
PM (muffled, to voice): I dunno… shh. I told you you had to be quiet.
Me: Is this a bad time?
PM: No. Who did you say you were?
Male Voice: Peyyyytonnnn… just tell them to call you later. I have to leave soon.
PM (to voice): I said shhh. Just a minute. Jesus, I hate it when you get possessive like this.
Me: Seriously, I can call back. I just have a couple questions–
PM: No, it’s fine.
Me: You sure?
PM: Yeah.
Me: OK… anyway, my name is Matt and I run the fourteenth-most-popular Texans blog on the planet.
PM: Don’t you just love doing stuff to make your parents proud?
Me: Right. So, like I said, I have a couple questions. First, I was wondering if you’d really had a chance to reflect on the Super Bowl? I mean, has it sunk in that this is the first time in your life that you didn’t end the season as an abject failure?
PM: Well, shucks… I suppose I hadn’t thought of it like that. It sure feels good to come out on the other side of things, though. That’s for sure.
Me: Yeah, I bet. Maybe you should have tried that back in 1997, instead of letting Nebraska facerape you like they did.
PM: What? Wait… hold on.
*sounds of hand covering phone mouthpiece*
PM: What the hell?! Why are you crying?? I’m just talking on the phone. Good Lord. You make it sound like I’m doing something wrong.
Male Voice: WHO IS HE?!?
PM: Christ, Kenny, I can’t be around you when you get like this.
*sounds of door slamming*
Me: Is… everything ok?
PM: Yeah, fine. What was I saying?
Me: That it was nice not to play like absolute shit in a big game for once.
PM: Yeah. I owe a lot of thanks to my coaches and my teammates and–
Me: Rex Grossman
PM: my family and Jesus and… wait, who did you say?
Me: I forget. Moving on…
*sounds of beating on a door and something that only be described as “caterwauling”*
Male Voice: PLEASE DON’T SHUT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS!!!
PM: DAMNIT, KENNY, I SWEAR TO GOD. I AM… I AM… ARRRGH!
*sounds of door being thrown open*
PM: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?
Male Voice: I… I just want you. That’s all. That’s why Renee and I didn’t work out… because… because you complete me.
PM: I wish I knew how to quit you, Kenny Chesney.
Male Voice: I love you. Always have.
PM: Stop… you know Braveheart lines always make me cry.
Male Voice: Oui. Parce que chaque jour j’ai pensé à toi.
PM: *giggling* I’ll have to call you back. Something has, uh, come up.
Me: Um…
*sounds of line going dead*
Me: ok.