The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor!
Sep 12, 2007 2007 Draft, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Teams that aren't the Texans, Winner winner chicken dinner
Ah, week 2. Before you know it, Halloween will be here, the Browns will have been eliminated from playoff contention, and Trent Green will have a concussion. It’s all as regular as the tides. For now, however, in the final days of summer, the only thing you get are my half-assed game predictions.
Last week: 9-6
Season: 9-6
Week 2 Picks
Cincinnati @ Cleveland. Let’s see… the Browns gave up 34 points (including 4 passing TDs for Ben Roethlisberger) last week. And, last I checked, the Bengals had a much better passing attack than do the Steelers. Over/under on the number of heteroquestionable pictures we see of Brady Quinn this week? 21.5. Pick: Cincinnati
Indianapolis @ Tennessee. OK, so I was WAY off about the Titans’ ability to move the ball last week. I admit it. I still don’t know why the Jags didn’t stack the box and force Vince (11-18, 72 YDS, INT) to beat them with his arm, but whatever. This week, the Colts come to town armed with (a) two WRs that Tennessee won’t be able to stop and (b) a faster defense. Vince took a couple sacks last week, but he’ll taste Dwight Freeney’s this week. Pick: Indy
San Francisco @ St. Louis. For the last time… it was an end around that the Niners used against Arizona, not a friggin’ reverse. [/kicking Barbaro] Now that we have that out of the way, can I point out just how awful St. Louis looked last week? Sure, Jackson won’t fumble twice every week or get your fantasy team zero points (jerk), but losing Orlando Pace isn’t exactly going to improve the passing game. And this “revamped” St. Louis defense (186 rushing yds and 20 first downs allowed) isn’t likely to slow down Frank Gore. Pick: San Francisco
Green Bay @ New York Giants. As a general rule, if you are the type of person who would come into an occupied room and eat Gardettos without demonstrating the slightest concern for just how loudly you are chewing, I probably hate you. Just sayin’. Pick: Green Bay
Buffalo @ Pittsburgh. I’m still angry that so many random “power” rankings have us below Buffalo this week, so fuck them. Pick: Pittsburgh.
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay. After last week, people were fleeing the Saints’ bandwagon like rats from a flooding French Quarter. (Too soon?) After this week, a lot of them will come back like hookers and bums to a rebuilt Bourbon St. This game presents a great chance for everyone’s favorite second-string RB to try and improve on his yards/carry and maybe, you know, get a rushing TD. Pick: Saints
HOUSTON JUGGERNAUT @ Carolina. OK, so I predicted this one as a loss in my 9-wins countdown, with the caveat that my prediction was subject to change if Zoolander started the game. Well, Sandy will continue clipboarding, but I am starting to think this game will be tightly contested. Consider: the current Vegas line is Carolina (-6.5). Assuming that all home teams give three points (a fairly safe figure), Sin City says that Carolina is just over a FG better than us on a neutral field. I suppose this sounds about right, but I am way too fucking drunk on the Kool-Aid to pick against us yet. Pick: Roll, Juggernaut!
Minnesota @ Detroit. Both of these teams are looking for their first win of the seas–. What? They are both 1-0? You’re bullshitting me. Seriously? Like, seriously seriously? How the hell… oh well, fuck it. Pick: Minnesota
Atlanta @ Jacksonville. Three things I would do if I had a time machine. (1) Get down with Audrey Hepburn circa 1960, (2) invent the Pet Rock a week before the other guy did it, and (3) change my prediction that Jacksonville would win 9 or 10 games. Still, if you get destroyed by Tavaris Jackson and Adrian Peterson, you probably won’t fare much better against David Garrard and MoJo Drew. Pick: Jacksonville
Dallas @ Miami. Dear The Fans of the Miami Dolphins, Eli Manning and Co. hung 35 points on the Cowgirls depleted secondary last week. If Trent Green does not get you at least 24, you should probably consider calling it a season. You always have jai alai to watch, though, so all is not lost. Sincerely, Matt. P.S. Feed the ball to Ronnie Brown. Please. Pick: Dallas
Seattle @ Arizona. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. Matt Leinart is simply Scott Mitchell with a much better sex life. He also looks less adept at throwing on the run than Stephen Hawking would be. Pick: Seattle
Kansas City @ Chicago. If you live anywhere between Ohio and Colorado, odds are you are being subjected to this game. Not that our defense isn’t fairly good, but if Houston holds your all world RB to 43 yards, the Bears probably won’t struggle too much against your ground game. The only question in this game is if Lovie gets fed up with Ced Benson and (the other) Adrian Peterson enough to give Garrett Wolfe some reps. The only person who can lead the Chiefs to victory in this one is Rex Grossman. Pick: Chicago
Oakland @ Denver. Did you know Josh McCown was 30-40 passing last week? Wild. And the Raiders actually, like, scored points and stuff. They still lost–some things never change–but they were in the game until the fourth quarter. Of course, that was against Detroit. Denver, led by scramblin’ Jay Cutler will not be so accommodating. Also, as a public service announcement, I would just like to remind all Oakland fans traveling to this game to make sure your female companions are on birth control; Travis Henry can impregnate with a stare. Pick: Denver
New York Jets @ Baltimore. To quote my Ravens-fan friend Orlando: “Six turnovers, 7 passes thrown over the heads of receivers, robbed of a TD by a horrible call, another horrible call on an interception that bounced on the ground (and not within the control of the defender), 8 chances to score from the 5 yard line, and injuries to [Jon Ogden] and Ray-Ray…and still we had chances to win. There lies the agony of being a Raven’s fan, we are too good to fire Billick, but too bad to ever be comfortable with him at the helm.” That’s rough. Pick: New York
San Diego @ New England. Whoever first said “cheaters never win” is a motherfucking liar. Just ask the Pats. (Side note: Firefox recognizes the word “motherfucker” as being correctly spelled.) My question is, why does the list of possible punishments not include forfeiting the game in which they cheated? Taking away a 3rd round pick won’t do shit; making the current standing say “Patriots 0-1″ certainly would. While we are talking about cheaters getting caught, lets not forget Shawne Merriman. Oh, wait, this is football. We don’t care if someone used steroids. Pick: New England
Washington @ Philadelphia. I was going to write something insightful and witty here, but the twit who shares my office is whining into her phone because she’s a fucking moron. (And because someone said something kind of mean to her, likely because she’s a fucking moron.) I’m outta here. Pick: Washington
