You’ll be the first modern-day pirate, Jerry!
Oct 5, 2007 2007 Season, Batman, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fuck the Cowboys, Inanity, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Sandy Vag, Self-Referential Stuff, Vacation-related posts
Before we get to this week’s picks, for which I know you are all waiting with bated breath, we here at DGDB&D have an important, late-breaking announcement.
Saturday, October 20, 2007, yours truly will be in the Space City. While this standing alone is not really newsworthy, this part is: The Notorious T.I.M. and I will be getting together at an as-yet-undetermined bar for another round of BLOG DORK DRINKING. Now long-time readers–by which I mean “anyone who was reading at the end of July–might recall that my last trip to H-town did not exactly go off without a hitch. (Some jerks continue to mock me for this. Jerks.)
This has the potential to be bigger than a P-Diddy afterparty. Or, it could just wind up being less than 5 people again. Whatever. The first thing we need to do is determine which unlucky watering hole will be hosting this, the mother of all parties. (Too much hype?) That’s where you, the reader, come in. Suggest away, but with the following caveat: I don’t really do “hip.” I don’t want to feel like the oldest person in the room, either. Oh, and it should not be the type of place where David Carr would feel comfortable. If you know what I mean. Let’s get this party started.
Last week: 7-7 (eww.)
Season: 37-24
Week 5 Picks
Byes: Oakland, Cincinnati, Minnesota, and Philadelphia
Atlanta @ Tennessee. You wouldn’t have known it by looking at last week’s game (dammit), but the Falcons are pretty awful against the run. And Tennessee is pretty not-awful when it comes to running the football. I’m also kinda sure that Tennessee will not make the same mistakes we did (mainly because they don’t have Petey Faggins), so Harrington will not look like the love child of Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas. Pick: Tennessee
Jacksonville @ Kansas City. You know what? It’s about time some of the other damn teams in the AFC South start losing a few games. Analysis is out the window, as is any sort of reasoning. (See, I’m just like Gary Kubiak!!!) Fuck you, David Garrard. Pick: Kansas City
Arizona @ St. Louis. Gus Frerotte? Seriously? Pick: Arizona
Cleveland @ New England. I just traded for Randy Moss, giving up Ronnie Brown (aka Mr. Sell High) and Steve Smith. I might have given up a little too much, but I just can’t trust my WR production to David Carr. I mention this only to warn other Randy Moss owners, because anyone on my team this season is highly likely to miss time with an injury (Steven Jackson, Ahman Green, Jacoby Jones, Jake Delhomme, etc.) Pick: New England
Carolina @ New Orleans. Question: How can the Panthers, who we beat handily not that long ago and who are now piloted by their magnificently quaffed backup QB, be higher in the ESPN power rankings than the Texans? Follow-up question: How many more 2 catch games is Steve Smith going to have before he snaps and beats the shit out of someone in the locker room? Final question: Is anyone else as excited (in a schadenfreude kind of way) about seeing Reggie Bush attempt to be a primary back as I am? Pick: New Orleans
New York Jets @ New York Giants. Wow. I mean, seriously, WOW. When I picked Philly to win last week against NYG, I didn’t factor in Winston Justice, who apparently could not stop me from getting to Donovan McNabb, let alone stop the Nigerian Jesus, Osi Umenyiora. The Giants probably won’t get 12 sacks again this week, but I imagine the Jets QBs made the same faces watching the game tape as a dude would make as he realized the topless chick on the Girls Gone Wild video was his daughter. Pick: New York Giants
Seattle @ Pittsburgh. It’s a rematch of the Super Bowl that no one outside of those two cities care about at all. Wasn’t Jerome Bettis involved in some way? Something about that lime green accent color makes me hate the Seahawks. Besides which, Pittsburgh is much better than they looked last week. Pick: Pittsburgh
Detroit @ Washington. I’m no doctor–shocking, I know–but when a guy gets hit in the head and suddenly thinks Jesus is talking to him, that might be a sign that the concussion is pretty bad and NOT a sign that the Almighty gives two shits about the Detroit Lions. And when those same Lions beat the shitty Bears, I don’t think that’s proof that the Lions are blessed or special. I mean, do you think God would let his favorite team be piloted by Matt Millen for so long? Even Job didn’t have it THAT bad. Pick: Washington
Miami @ JUGGERNAUT. Miami has a porous run defense. Luckily for them, they get Zach Thomas back AND get to face Ron Dayne. That’ll cure what ails ya; just ask the Falcons. THAT SAID, I like the Texans in this game because (a) I think they’ll knock the shit out of Trent “Noodle-Arm” Green and (b) I don’t think Ronnie Brown will get much of anything this week against our run D. Of course, the wild card in my scenario continues to be the blind, one-legged, retarded midget playing CB2. Still, we’ll right the ship this week. Pick: Houston
Tampa Bay @ Indianapolis. Like you, I am lost as to how the Bucs keep winning. Thankfully, this week, I don’t have to think about it. Instead, I can focus on eating my weight in ribs at Cozy Corner and Rendezvous in Memphis tomorrow. I’m drooling now. Pick: Indy
San Diego @ Denver. I’m trying to come up with an analogy for what Norv Turner has done to this team. How about this: remember the Seinfeld episode where George was the hand model? Well, last year’s Chargers were George and Norv Turner is the hot iron that George falls into at the end. Or, alternatively, the Chargers were River Phoenix and Norv Turner is heroin. Pick: Denver
Baltimore @ San Francisco. I cannot find one interesting or entertaining thing about this game. So, instead, I’ll mention again that I really do want some bar suggestions. Pick: Baltimore
Chicago @ Green Bay. So, yeah, that Brian Griese thing…not as impressive as I’d hoped. Pick: Green Bay
Dallas @ Buffalo. The pick is obvious. The only question is will Buffalo even score? God, I hate the Cowboys. Pick: Dallas
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October 5th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Awww, poor Matt. Are we feeling a bit grumpy today? I mean, the only reason we are picking on you is because you are a little weinie. Nothing to be ashamed about. We still love you in a manly handshake kind of way.
What’s the over/under on Bush’s YPC? 3.0? 2.5? 2.0?
I hope to be in H-town for that weekend, as well. Schedule is TBD, unfortunately.
XOXOX,
bigfatdrunk
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October 5th, 2007 at 11:05 am
I’d suggest that you just grab your balls and start making a schedule, but…well, you know.
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October 5th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Looking for venues?
Hmmmm… a place in midtown that is neither trendy nor overcrowded at noon (but has the NFL Sunday Package!) is the Wetspot (W. Gray area).
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October 5th, 2007 at 11:29 am
So far this year Reggie Bush is average a fumble every 22.5 touches (29 carries, 16 receptions, 2 fumbles).
If they try to use him as a feature back, he’ll probably get that many, so I’d expect at least one fumble.
Personally, I’m hoping for an injury, maybe of the career-ending variety.
But, hey, maybe he’ll turn Gatorade into wine and then the hype will be justified.
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October 5th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
So Matt is coming to town so that he can feel the Awesome Powers of the Burnt Orange Football Jesus who can part the Texans O-line like the red sea. At least that’s what Richard Justice would have you believe! Hopefully we’ll be 4-2 by then. I’ll be at the game as well. As for bars…the Wetspot is a great place to hang out. You also can’t go wrong with BW-3s in midtown or the village. I’ll try and make it.
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October 8th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Now I just have to ponder whether or not I want to put the faces with the names.