DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

What if Testaverde breaks a hip?

Oct 12, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Injury bug, Sucks to be John Fox, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

Monday, October 8, 2007. 3:40PM

Jake Delhomme: Coach Fox, you got a minute?

John Fox: Yeah, Jake. What’s up? How’s the elbow?

Delhomme: Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I think I’ma have to have that surgery. My elbow sure did hurt when I was throwing today. The doctors say it’ll take eight or nine months to rehab.

Fox: Fuck you.

Delhomme: What’s that, sir?

Fox: You heard me, you crawfish-eating fuckstick. God DAMN it! What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Delhomme: Sorry, sir, it’s just–

Fox: Save “sorry” for someone who gives a ratfuck. Jesus Christ, son, do you realize what this means? No, you have no fucking idea, do you? You’re too concerned with your precious fucking elbow to give one shit about what I have to deal with. Selfish prick.

Delhomme: Sir, I don’t see why you are so upset. I mean, we still have David.

Fox: You mean Mangina?!? You expect me to try and run a team with David fucking Carr under center? Have you seen him play? Why don’t you do me a favor and shoot me in the fucking face right now?

Delhomme: Sir, it’s not that bad. I think you are overreacting.

Fox: OVERREACTING?!? He wears fucking gloves for chrissakes. White gloves, like he’s getting dressed up for a goddamned tea party! And then he throws with that little side-arm flip shit. THAT’S who you want to be our QB? Do you fucking hate me or something? We only signed the prick so I wouldn’t have to worry about my wife fucking the backup QB. He was never supposed to play. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007. 12:15PM.

David Carr: Coach? Hey, Coach Fox! Wait up! You got a minute?

Fox: Make it fast, Nancy. I’m supposed to go watch Vinnie fucking Testaverde work out. We have to find some kind of backup for you.

Carr: Well, sir, remember that hit I took Sunday? The one where I said it felt like my back popped?

Fox: To tell you the truth, I was drunk all day Sunday. But, yeah, I kind of remember. Why?

Carr: My back is really bothering me today. I tried to throw a little bit and it was hurting to do it.

Fox: Fuck me in the ear.

Carr: Sir?

Fox: “He’s tough,” they said. “We can sign Dave because he’s a tough guy. He never complains and he plays hurt.” That’s what they told me. I thought it was a bad idea; I even told them so. I said, “he throws like a retard and I think he’s queer; are we sure we want him?” But, nooooo, no one listened to me. I mean, I’m only the HEAD FUCKING COACH…why would they listen to me?

Carr: I wasn’t trying to get hurt. I just landed awkwardly and then some people fell on me.

Fox: Cry me a river, you sissified cockeater! You think I need your goddamned excuses? I’m about to go watch a 43-year-old man audition to be our QB. He was born when Kennedy was still in office! Kennedy! Apparently, no new quarterbacks have been born since 1963! And now, with your piece of outstanding fucking news, I get to try and teach this old fuck the playbook in four days. Hey, do me a favor, would ya?

Carr: Sure thing, Coach.

Fox: Go back in time to about ten minutes ago and instead of telling me you are hurt, just sneak up behind me and bury a pick axe in the back of goddamned skull. Maybe light me on fire first. Yeah. Just for good measure. You fucking jerk.