Thunderdome
Oct 17, 2007 2007 Season, Fake Conversations with Real People, Sucks to be John Fox, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
David Carr: You wanted to see me, Coach?
John Fox: Yeah. Have a seat, Nancy.
Carr: I really wish you wouldn–
Fox: So, Sissyphus, I was hoping you could help me with a little puzzle. How is it that a 43-year-old man can sign with this team on Wednesday and, by Sunday, look as comfortable running the offense as you would be playing Monster Rain?
Carr: With all due respect, sir, I thin–
Fox: Because I think the answer is “he’s smart enough to throw the ball to Steve.” Which is another way of saying “He’s not retarded.” Which is my way of suggesting that maybe you are retarded.
Carr: Now, wait. I jus–
Fox: But being retarded isn’t enough, is it? No, you had to go and get a fucking minor injury that should be healed by the time we play again, so I now have a quarterback controversy between Father Time and Retard McFaggygloves. Great. Do you know how fucking annoying this is?
Carr: I can–
Fox: It’s more annoying than late night phone calls to your wife that you are sure are being made by Chris Weinke. It’s that fucking irritating. I would honestly rather have someone pluck out my left eyeball and fuck my brain than have to deal with ridiculous shit.
Carr: I’m sor–
Fox: Unless you are offering to walk into oncoming traffic, fucking save it, douchenozzle. I have to figure out how to deal with this shit. The goddamned press is going to have a field day with this.
*phone rings*
Fox: This is Coach Fox.
Voice: Yeah, I was just callin’ to see if y’all needed a quarterback?
Fox: Goddamnit, Kubiak, this shit isn’t funny anymore!
*slams phone down*
Fox: See what you’ve done, you fancy-haired shithead?
Carr: If you’ll jus–
Fox: Shut up. Shut the goddamned fuck up before I punch you in the neck. Let me tell you what’s going to happen. You and Vinnie are going to fight it out to see who starts.
Carr: You mean based on how well we practice?
Fox: No, uber-puss, I mean “fight it out.” What part of that confuses you? Two men enter, one man leaves, motherfucker. Punch, stab, whatever. No rules. Et cetera. Get it?
Carr: I am pretty sure that is against the collective bargaining agreement, sir.
Fox: And I am pretty sure I don’t give a goddamn. I don’t want to deal with the shit that you caused, so you two are going to figure it out amongst yourselves. You might want to stand up.
*throws closet door open*
Vinnie Testaverde: It’s go time, gayness! Knuckle up! I’m Vinnie fucking Testaverde!!!
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October 17th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
If you ever wrote something that demanded eternal capture in t-shirt form, it’s that last line. I’m still laughing, and it’s been ten minutes.
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October 17th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
I had to click on the link and then google “monster rain”. I must say, it enhanced the column.
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October 17th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
A part of me wishes I never knew what “monster rain” meant (that innocence is gone).
Of course, I now have a new and subtle way to taunt Mickey Mouse, er, I mean Carr.
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October 18th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
I no longer google things that people dare me to google. There is just too much twisted-off stuff in the world. Maybe that means I am lacking curiousity, but until there is something more effective of a brain eraser than alcohol, that is a rule I am going to stick by.
I learned that hard lesson from “tub girl.”
Live and learn, my friends. Live and learn.
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October 18th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
In addition to Monster Rain and Tubgirl, I recommend that everyone google Lemon Party.
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October 18th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
you are my new best friend…
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October 19th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Um, thanks?