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An Open Letter to God

Oct 18, 2007 Andre Johnson, Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Inanity, Open Letters

Dear God,

Hey, how’s it goin’, big guy? Things good up in the Big End Zone In The Sky?

Look, I know we haven’t talked in a while. That’s my bad, I guess. But still, I have to ask, why do you hate me? I mean, hating me is pretty much the only way to explain why Andre Johnson is still at least a week away. (It’s also a fairly good explanation for the continued playing time of Petey Faggins, the fact that a twit like Megan Manfull gets access to my favorite team that I cannot get, and even the popularity of Kenny Chesney, but none of that is at issue here.)

Anyway, yeah, why the hate, God? Is it because I laughed at the end of City of Angels? Surely you didn’t like that piece of shit movie. Is it because I called Reggie Bush “GOD’S FAVORITE SON, WHOM HE LOVES MUCH MORE THAN JESUS?” I was just paraphrasing what ESPN keeps telling me. Honest, I know you don’t love any running back who can’t average more than 3.5/carry.

I think we can both agree that I am a worthless turd. That said, please don’t take your displeasure with me out on poor Andre. By all accounts, he’s a hell of a nice guy and totally deserving of your healing touch. Vince Young, on the other hand, is rumored to consider Satan his personal Dark Lord and Savior. I hear he also once punched a priest, drop kicked an infant, and then peed in some holy water. So maybe just take out your aggression on him. Or at least make sure that quad doesn’t heal.

Hugs and kisses,
Matt

P.S. Can Ray Charles see in Heaven? I’ve always wondered how that worked.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 18th, 2007 at 8:01 am and is filed under Andre Johnson, Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Inanity, Open Letters. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

3 Responses to “An Open Letter to God”

  1. grungedave
    (click arrow to reply)Reply to this comment
    October 18th, 2007 at 10:30 am

    God already miraculously healed Jon Kitna this year…

    and since I refuse to believe God is a fairweather fan, I won’t hold out hope for AJ’s PCL to miraculously be 100%. I also accept the fact that God hates me.


  2. Steph
    (click arrow to reply)Reply to this comment
    October 18th, 2007 at 10:38 am

    God listens to our prayers, but not likely your AJ one:

    http://blogs.chron.com/gamedaytexans/2007/10/andre_johnson_better_but_still.html


  3. Jersey Bill
    (click arrow to reply)Reply to this comment
    October 18th, 2007 at 1:36 pm

    Matt, I’m going to have to file a criminal complaint against you for sneaking into my house and listening to my conversations with God. That shit is private.

    Apparently, I’m the dark lord. I base that on the fact that the teams I support suck. For a long time now. With no help on the horizon. And when there is finally a glimmer of hope, things that can only be explained by the hand of God go terribly wrong. Excuse me as I go knock a child off of a swing.