DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

It wasn’t all that long ago–four days, actually–that I said, “[a]s of now, unless one of the stories over there mentions me or this blog by name, I will not comment on or link to anything written by paid employees of the Houston Chronicle.” I meant it. However, I realized today that I needed to expand the exception slightly. We all know they are never going to link to me or BRB–we are beneath them, of course. So, I am expanding the exception to read “as of now, unless one of the stories over there mentions me or this blog by name, or is clearly referencing/replying to something I wrote, I will not comment on or link to anything written by paid employees of the Houston Chronicle.”

Which brings me to my actual post. It seems that John McClain’s latest missive attempts to answer the questions “why don’t we blitz” and, tangentially, “why Richard Smith is not a horrid coach.” Hmm. Interesting approach, General. Whatever made you think to approach that issue as answering a question? Because, correct me if I am wrong, but your article kind of reads like an attempt to respond to “how does a person who ignores the basic fundamental tenets of defense–things like ‘increasing QB pressure makes a shaky secondary better’ and ‘blitzing a linebacker will keep your pass-rushing DE from being routinely sodomized by two or three men’–seem less-capable at performing his job than any number of fans walking down the street?” by attacking the underlying assumptions about blitzing. But, then, you would never deign to read something as lowbrow and mindless as a–gasp!–blog written by a fan, would you? Of course not.

Just for a laugh and because I have nothing to do here at work, let’s examine your response a little more closely and see what, if anything, we can learn from it.

I’ve known defensive coordinator Richard Smith since he entered the NFL as an assistant under Jerry Glanville in 1988.

Congrats. I’m not really sure what that has to do with anything, but whatever.

If a psychiatrist put Smith on his couch and analyzed him, here’s what he would learn: Smith would blitz most of the time if he thought it would work. He’s a Glanville disciple. His nature is to attack, attack and attack some more.

He “would blitz more often if he thought it would work?” He hasn’t blitzed enough with this year’s team to have any idea whether it works. So, if he is just basing his decision on what he thinks of blitzing in general, I’m not sure you can call him aggressive.

So why doesn’t he do that with the Texans? Well, it’s simple. Blitzing for the sake of blitzing is bad coaching.

True, but blitzing for the sake of taking pressure of your young and/or below average secondary is good coaching. You should probably establish that we would be blitzing just for the sake of blitzing before you give your conclusory statements.

Fans who complain the Texans don’t blitz enough must not remember how many times it didn’t work or they got burned.

Ooooooooh, snap! You are talking about me, aren’t you, John? You showed me; after all, the lack of success of Texans teams in previous years certainly has a ton of bearing on whether this current unit would succeed. What’s that? Oh, I just received message from Captain Obvious that, no, it really doesn’t matter how previous Texans teams did. Interesting. You almost had me convinced, though.

Rushing more than four — usually one or two linebackers and sometimes a safety — is foolish if they don’t have the speed to pull it off.

John McClain, bringing the truisms today! Of course, the converse of that, that it is NOT foolish if they DO have the speed, is also true. And when I look at our LB corps, the one thing I see (especially out of DeMeco Ryans and Morlon Greenwood) is speed. Even Danny Clark is fast enough to blitz. You are making it sound like someone needs to run a 4.4 in order to be an effective pass rusher. Also, you conveniently overlook the possibility of working in some zone blitzes, which would allow us to create pressure through confusion while not leaving wide open holes underneath the secondary. In that scheme, the speed issue is negated somewhat (to the extent that it even exists) because you are still only sending four rushers. Now, of course we can’t solely run the zone blitz, but you can’t sit there and pretend that our linebackers are simply too slow and, thus, we have no options when it comes to pass rushing.

The coaches watch film of every game and practice over and over and over. They know what they get and don’t get with a four-man rush. They also know what they get and don’t get when they blitz.

It is good that they are watching game and practice tape. I’d be worried if they didn’t. But, saying they know what they get and don’t get when they blitz is nothing more than bit of sophistry. They don’t blitz enough to know what they get when they blitz. And, on the rare occasion that they do blitz, they have shown some success. DeMeco’s sack and a run stop for a loss against Atlanta came on a blitz. DeMeco’s sack, forced fumble, and first career TD against Tennessee came on a blitz. And, since you were the one who broached the subject of what past season’s blitzes have yielded, all 4 of Dunta’s career sacks came on blitzes. If anything, knowing what they get when they blitz should equate to “man, we’re having a little success when we mix that in.”

Right now, blitzing a safety could be disastrous. Rookie cornerback Fred Bennett has made three career starts. Veteran cornerback Von Hutchins has made three starts at his position. Leaving them in man coverage at this point in their careers is asking for trouble.

I don’t know why we would choose to blitz one of our safeties when we have ample speed/size/strength in the linebacking corps. Still, while your initial premise is fine, your reasoning is obtuse and idiotic. “Leaving them in man coverage…is asking for trouble?” Seriously? Well, then, why the hell do we keep leaving them in man coverage when we aren’t blitzing? It’s not like we are strictly playing zone; there is plenty of man coverage going on. Just look at the repeated immolation of Petey Faggins, especially in the Atlanta game. Most of that has been in man situations. So, I ask you, which is better–to leave them in man coverage for 2.5-3.5 seconds during a blitz or for 3.5-5 seconds without the blitz?

Think about this: Cleveland quarterback Derek Anderson’s strength is throwing down the field. The Texans determined that rushing four and dropping seven, forcing Anderson to throw underneath the coverage, made more sense than blitzing and leaving their defensive backs in man coverage against tight end Kellen Winslow and receiver Braylon Edwards.

What the hell? You did watch that game, right? Winslow had 10 catches for 107 yards and a TD. THAT is your proof that the existing plan is somehow better than forcing the QB to make throws more quickly? And, besides, like I keep screaming about, a zone blitz would not necessitate much of a deviation from the zone coverage that you seem to think is working wonders.

The Texans’ defense played well enough to beat Cleveland. All three Browns touchdowns came after mistakes — two interceptions and a missed field goal.

OK. So, aside from when they messed up, they played well enough to win. Fair enough. But what does that have to do with whether they should also have been blitzing? Nothing. You are simply trying to confuse the issue here. “They played well enough to win” does not equal “there is no need to blitz because this system works just fine.” Some of your sycophant cabana boys might buy into this sort of “logic,” but I don’t. Nor does anyone with half a brain.

Now, if the Texans are going to blitz and leave their corners in man coverage, it makes sense to do it against the Titans because they don’t have receivers like Cleveland’s, right? Oops! They did that in the first game against Tennessee, and Roydell Williams caught a 46-yard pass against Dunta Robinson to set up the winning field goal.

First, I was at that game and saw the play with my own eyes. There was a safety in the area who, for whatever reason, did not roll over the top and help Dunta. This is not pure man coverage you are talking about. Second, Dunta played that route as well as humanly possible, but simply missed when he stuck his hand up, so I am not clear on what this completion “proves” with respect to the blitz. Third, whether you are blitzing, rushing four, or rushing none, that route unfolds exactly the same way; it’s not like Morlon Greenwood covering in the flat would have changed the direction of that ball. Fourth, why do you keep trying to make it sound like the options are only “blitz with man coverage” and “don’t blitz with zone coverage?” Why do you ignore zone blitzing or even sending one linebacker and still playing a two-deep zone? Finally, stop pretending like we are not already leaving these guys in man coverage from time to time and consider whether those situations would be easier for the corners if they were covering for a shorter period of time.

You are making no sense here, John. If the problem is that the secondary is shaky (it is), then blitzing slightly more often is going to alleviate that problem somewhat. Note: no one is suggesting that we need to play like the Eagles and bring some kind of blitz on nearly every play. What we are suggesting is that Richard Smith’s approach to the game suggests that either he is too timid in his play-calling as a matter of course, that he is deathly afraid of getting yelled at if a play fails, or that he simply doesn’t see the flaws in his/your reasoning clearly enough to understand how to fix them. None of those scenarios is an acceptable answer, however. As Stephanie pointed out in her comment:

I cannot think of a single reason why the Texans should keep Richard Smith.

You know, I really try to be fair to people. But really, I can’t think of a reason to keep him. He wasn’t the Texans first choice, and if there are options out there to replace him, I’d like them to do it.

Here’s some additional reasons against:

1. He has no defensive philosophy other than “Don’t do the thing that sucked really bad in last weeks game.”

2. He has no record as a solo defensive coordinator before coming to the Texans.

3. He previously was the co-defensive coordinator of a 3-4. But only in name only because Saban really ran that defense and ran all the meetings.

4. Last year, he put pictures of rocks in the defensive players’ lockers to tell them that they are part of a rock. Yeah, that’s inspiring to the younger generation. Rocks don’t bring much of a pass rush either because well, they are rocks.

5. He’s a yell at the players guy. I don’t like yell at the players guy unless they are the best at what they do. If you yell all the time, and you don’t have the respect of the guys you are coaching because you’ve never accomplished anything, well then, you are just annoying.

6. If the players for the other offense call your defense “vanilla” before you have even played them (Winslow), it means they have no respect for it at all.

7. There is no 7.

8. I am thinking of burning an old 8 jersey as part of an anti-jinx against that number for a Texans QB.

9. It makes me physically ill to see 3rd and longs just wasted by the Texans defense. You know, “Great it’s 3rd and 8.” And then “@#$%, they just completed a pass for 24 yards.”

10. Did you have the thought when watching the Eagles play the Patriots the other night that Smith could have ten years with the Texans, and never bring the sort of stuff on D that the Eagles were doing to the Patriots? I get the same sort of training wheels feeling watching the Texans defense as I did when I watched Pendry’s offense in 2005. Very simple to avoid big mistakes. I know the Texans have a lot of injuries on defense, but it’s hard to watch.

Basically, why should ANYONE have confidence in what Smith is doing? There’s nothing in his background that should convince fans or the players that he knows what the hades he is doing and that it is going to get better.

Funny, John, it seems like everyone who is writing about this issue has a solid understanding of the little things, like “logic” and “reasoning” and “coherent arguments” and “basic tenets of football defense.” Maybe you should give that a shot.

I realize I am being flippant and kind of a jerk here. That is intentional, as it is the same approach John and the others like to take when they are forced to slum it and respond to people who disagree with them. The only difference here is that I also attempted to offer a counter-argument in between jabs at McClain.

(Ironically enough, in the comments to the post about blitzing, Will asked how long it would be before the Chron picked up on the idea and had a story about our lack of blitzing. Apparently, the answer is two days.)

Somehow, between my switch to WordPress and my continued insistence on making up conversations, I managed to miss talking about the departure of Mike Sherman. Thankfully, the more sane among us have been all over it. Even better, in Tim’s coverage and the comments thereto, an interesting point was raised–will the departure of Sherman signal the end of the Green Bay influence on our offensive line play? More specifically, will the lack of a competing philosophy of run-blocking cause Kubiak to shift more toward a true one-cut, zone blocking running game like they use in Denver?

Before we get ahead of ourselves, however, let’s bust out the ol’ football primer, just so we are on the same page. (If you already know all this, please feel free to skip ahead to the part where it says ***STOP SKIMMING!!!***)

Not long ago, I heard a color commentator mention during an NFL game that a “zone blocking system is one in which the lineman all have a specific area they are responsible for, kind of like a zone defense in basketball.” I found the same sort of thought at Football Outsiders, too. While this is more-or-less, sorta kinda accurate when it comes to pass blocking, it is not correct vis-a-vis run blocking. Or, at least, not near correct enough to get the point across. At its most basic level, all a zone run blocking scheme means is that the offensive linemen work in pairs against two or three of the defensive linemen–i.e. the guard and center simultaneously block a defensive tackle–with one of the offensive linemen then peeling off and blocking a linebacker. The “zone” the system refers to is the part of the line where the running play is going. This is what creates the “one cut” system, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Let’s walk through a example play where the running back is supposed to go right against a 4-3 defensive front. At the snap of the ball, the left tackle and left guard block the nose tackle, the center takes under tackle, and the right guard and right tackle block the left defensive end. This two-on-one blocking allows the offensive front to get a push and, also, to create the running lanes. Now, here’s where it gets tricky. Depending on certain factors (where the defensive player lined up, which direction the running play is going, where the linebacker is in relation to the defensive lineman, etc.), one offensive player from each double-team will disengage the defensive lineman and pick up the corresponding linebacker. So, in our example, assuming a standard 4-3 Over, the left tackle would disengage and slide to the second level to pick up the Will linebacker, the right guard would do the same and pick up the Mike linebacker, and the TE would be responsible (from the snap) for the Sam linebacker.

If this is done correctly, there should be a hole between the TE and Right Tackle, the Center and where the Right Guard was, and the Center and Left Guard. This is the “inside zone” and is where the “one cut” comes into play. In this system, the running back chooses one of these holes, makes his single cut, and goes. Ideally, he won’t make this cut until he is almost to his offensive lineman, thus allowing the defense less time to react to his angle. By contrast, the “outside zone” is the area beyond the TE/Sam block. Plays designed to seal off the defense and open up the outside zone do not have the “one cut” aspect to them–the running back is obligated to head outside (in theory, at least)–so the linemen block similar to a man blocking scheme, where there is a pre-determined hole.

***STOP SKIMMING!!!***

That’s all well and good, but how does that translate to our system? Well, as Tim correctly notes, the zone blocking scheme almost invariably features smaller, more agile offensive linemen. The reason should be obvious–it is not going to be real easy for a Larry Allen to engage a defender, then slide his big butt away from the block and pick up a linebacker who is 4 or 5 tenths of a second faster than he is. Besides, since you are hitting at the initial point of attack with a 2-on-1 advantage, you don’t need a pair of 340 lb. behemoths; a pair of 280 lb. lineman will work just fine, with the added bonus of being able to pick up linebackers and be more maneuverable in space.

And therein lies the rub. Look at our current crop of O-linemen. All are over 300 lbs. Of the opening day starters, only Eric Winston and Steve McKinney are agile enough (arguably, in McKinney’s case) to play in a zone blocking scheme. Charles Spencer–assuming he ever recovers from that injury–is far too large to play the role effectively. Of the backups, Chris White is the right size, but who knows if he is actually all that good? Kasey Studdard isn’t overly agile and he’s too heavy. And so on, and so forth.

On top of this personnel issue, there is the problem that such a scheme takes a long time to install. It’s not a plug-and-play system where you just tell the guys “ok, we’re switching to zone” and it takes care of itself. The teamwork required in knowing which blocker is to disengage and find the linebacker is not something that happens overnight. Even if you already had five offensive linemen who fit the system, it’s doubtful that such a change could be made successfully in one summer of workouts. A full summer and camp of practice would allow you to run it, but the bugs and kinks of the system would take at least a full season of play to work out. And, like I said, that is with five guys who were perfect fits.

In general, I am a fan of the zone run blocking system, if only because I feel like it’s easier to find guys who are 280-300 and somewhat agile just by culling from the college players who are “undersized” or even “too small” according to the Mel Kipers of the world. I also like the system’s emphasis on blocking through the second level instead of allowing that level to come to you. That said, I don’t know that you can slowly switch to such a system. If Kubiak and Co. decided that they wanted to run it, such a change would require dedicating much of your draft and free agent money to finding the right guys (and, thus, ignoring the glaring problems in the defensive backfield). It would also require telling guys like Fred Weary and Chester Pitts and Ephraim Salaam, “sorry, but you’re not really needed anymore.” I don’t know that our regime is willing to make such dedications and statements at this point.

Travis Johnson: (singing to himself) “A-dashing to the sto’ in a big ass Chevrolet. These peoples drive too slow. Bitch, get out my way! Wearing a Santa hat, makes my spirits bright. But if someone laughs at it I’ll gut them like a motherfucking snitch-ass bitch!” Damn. I had some rhyme-time shit going on there for a second. Still…snitch-ass bitches do get stitches, so that kinda works. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but I sing it any way.”

(arrives at Galleria, somehow manages to find a parking spot) OK…let’s see…WHOA! This big ass map says I am here! How the fuck!? How does it know that shit!? That some spooky, voodoo, hocus-pocus bullshit right there!

five minutes elapse

(still looking at the map) You think you’re so smart, Mr. Map? Well let’s just see about that. (walks around to back of map, counts to four, jumps back in front of it) A-ha! Now what do you have to sa–MOTHER FUCKER! “You are here.” How does it know?!? I need to find that cologne-sellin’ booth and get away from this plastic devil.

(walks up to perfume counter at Nieman Marcus) Hello, perfume lady.

Lady Behind Counter: Hello, sir. Is there something I can help you with?

Johnson: Yes, perfume lady. You see, I have many, many peoples who love them some Travis Johnson. I want to get them something special that will let them think about Travis any time they wear it.

Lady: Well, we have several new scents this yea–

Johnson: No, perfume lady, you seem to be misunderstanding Travis. Let Trav spell it out for you, homegirl. I want to get them something smells like me. I want to make Eau de Trav or Johnson Fields or some such heavenly fragrance.

Lady: I…but…wait…what? You want to bottle your own scent?!

Johnson: Precisely. So, let’s do it. Hook me up to whatever scentifying machine you gots back there and start extractin’ some of that Travisey goodness.

Lady: That’s not really how it works, sir. We can’t bottle your “scent. ”

Johnson: The fuck you mean you can’t bottle Travis’ scent?! You got that Liz Taylor stank in a bottle! And I don’t even know who the fuck “Ralph Lauren” is, but you got that dude’s funk in a lot of different bottles. Travis gots a much better musk than that motherfucker!

Lady: Sir, please, keep your voice down or I will have to call security. There is no way I can get your “musk” in a bottle. It is literally impossible.

Johnson: What the fuck? Ain’t this about a bitch? What the hell am I supposed to do with this, then?

Lady: What is that? Is that a jar of…

Johnson: You know it, perfume lady. That’s a week worth of 100% Travis Johnson ball sweat. I collected it myself. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do? Of course you don’t, because you are a woman, so you have flabias and clicks instead of balls. But trust me–it ain’t easy.

Lady: (trying not to vomit) Sir…you need…GUH…to put that…away!

Johnson: The fuck I do! I need to mix it with, like, the smell of some roses and peaches and shit, and then put that shit in a little glass bottle with some France writing on it. Maybe have some glitter and shiny shit on the outside, just so it looks as pretty as it smells. Mark that shit $99.95! People in other countries fight wars for this kind of magic love potion! This shit might just cure blindness. Hell, you rub this on a dead baby and that little dude will probably live again. This is some top-notch, magical stankonia!

Lady: Sir, I am not really even sure what you are talking about now, but, for the LAST TIME, we cannot bottle your “smell” here. Now, unless there is something else I can help you with, I am going to have to ask you to leave.

Johnson: Oh, HELL no. Nobody asks Travis Johnson to leave!

Lady: SECURITY!!!!

(two guards run up) Johnson: Motherfucker! It’s on, now. I was just trying to Christmas shop, but you had to go and start shit. (gets into crane kick pose) Enter the dragon, bitches!

By now, everyone has heard about the murder of Sean Taylor. While this event is completely out of left field, the media coverage of it will not be. Thus, I present the following NOT to make light of Taylor’s death–I honestly do feel bad for his family and friends–but to make light of the preposterously predictable nature of the media. If, in so doing, I seem slightly insensitive, I apologize. Still, you know DGDB&D well enough to know there are no sacred cows.

“This is a tragedy that really puts the non-importance of football into perspective.” by Mike Lupica

“Taylor’s death shows us how quickly everything can be taken away.” by Peter King

“This is a logical conclusion to the embracing of the “hip hop” lifestyle.” by Skip Bayless

“How does Taylor’s death affect Tony Romo’s love life?” by Matt Mosely

“If this were Pacman Jones, you could blame it on the “hip hop” lifestyle, but Sean Taylor was not a part of that. He had left the bad boy image behind.” by Jeffrey Chadiha

“This is racial. People would be screaming for the killer to be brought to justice if this were Brett Favre.” by Jason Whitlock

“Sean Taylor’s murder is not unlike the death of INSERT FAMOUS ATHLETE HERE.” by Bill Simmons

“The Redskins are dedicating the remainder of their season to Taylor, but where do they go from here?” by Jason La Canfora

“This shows the foresight in Roger Goodell’s zero-tolerance policy, but he needs to be more strict and ban for life any player within 20 yards of a crime.” by Rick Reilly

“Would Sean Taylor have been a Hall of Famer if this didn’t happen?” by Football Outsiders

“It should have been you, Peyton Manning.” by Matt Campbell

Sometimes I wonder if our assumptions about players on the Texans are skewed or exaggerated by the fact that we are fans. I mean, for every “David Carr is a well-coiffed ninny who causes many of his own sacks and who will suck in Carolina” (gloriously correct), there seems to be an “Ahman Green is not even remotely washed up and he will have a great season in Houston” (ridiculously incorrect). Prior to their proof or disproof, each of those assumptions could have been somewhat accurately chalked up to our own rooting interests rather than anything rational.

I mention all of this as it relates to Richard Smith. While his inexplicable avoidance of the blitz and overall passive-aggressive approach to defense are well-documented here and elsewhere, I found myself wondering Sunday afternoon if my opinion that he sucks worse than a snaggle-toothed hooker was overblown simply because I was forced to watch his defense on a weekly basis. I mean, yes, it’s beyond irritating to watch opposing offensive lines not even consider that a linebacker might rush (as evinced by the high rate of success when DeMeco Ryans is sent on his monthly blitz). And, yes, it’s highly grating to see our defensive backs put in a position to have to cover for six or seven seconds on every play. But could it be that I was blowing those annoyances out of proportion?

Apparently not. Yesterday, I received a text message from a non-Texans-fan friend, with absolutely no rooting interest in the game. It read simply, “Your D Coordinator sucks.” Is such a statement dispositive? Obviously not. Still, when someone who does not watch the Texans all that often (and who has no reason to consider the ability of Richard Smith unless it is glaringly obvious) tunes in and notices how bad Smith is, that is saying something.

Thing is–and I keep coming back to this–I can’t figure out how these things can be so obvious to fans yet seemingly invisible to the Smith (and, apparently, those with the power to overrule him.) More importantly, though, how does a person who ignores the basic fundamental tenets of defense–things like “increasing QB pressure makes a shaky secondary better” and “blitzing a linebacker will keep your pass-rushing DE from being routinely sodomized by two or three men”–seem less-capable at performing his job than any number of fans walking down the street?

Along with the continued employment and utilization of Petey Faggins in an NFL secondary, these questions are some of the more confounding aspects of the current Houston Texans. Hell, even the queries about Petey can be answered to a certain degree with “because we have nothing else on the roster.” Sure, that ignores signing free agents as a way out, but at least it’s an explanation that makes sense at some level. Smith’s employment doesn’t. (Yes, I am aware that he was not our first choice for DC. Still, his continued inability to demonstrate even a rudimentary understanding of scheme v. personnel makes one wonder why he was even on the list of possible DCs.)

The only positive to come out of this Smith defense is that it has allowed us to see the skill of both DeMeco Ryans and Mario Williams. While the emergence of Ryans might have been a happy result of the scheme, however, the weekly growth of Mario Williams has been a fortuitous side effect. At this point, Mario seems to realize that he is nearly always going to face double- or triple-teams, simply because the offensive linemen have no linebackers or safeties to consider, thus he has to find ways to get pressure on the QB on his own. Three sacks in four games, including one on the rarely-sacked Derek Anderson, suggest that he is figuring it out.

None of this is new discussion. For the most part, I am just kind of thinking out loud. At the same time, I would love it if someone could come up with one reason why Richard Smith is better than I am giving him credit for being. Just one football-related reason. Until then, I am going to continue assuming that he’s the Petey Faggins of defensive coordinators, which is poetically ironic if you think about it.

I hate irony.

19/32, 246 Passing Yards, 0 TD, 1 Fumble Lost(, Edit: 1 INT); 2 rushes for 6 yards

(In case you were wondering, Mario Williams had 4 tackles, a sack (his third in the last four games), and a forced fumble.)

9 carries for 32 yards, 3 catches for 30 yards, 0 TD.

In a game where the Saints scored FOUR offensive TDs.

By now, I am sure that you’ve heard about this.

It appears that the powers-that-be over at Chron.com have decided to launch a Cowboys blog. Seriously? Because, maybe I am just hearing what I want to hear, but it has certainly sounded to me that one of the chief complaints about the Chronicle–along with Richard Justice being a talentless shitstain–has been that the paper seems to devote too much ink/coverage/love/masturbatory fantasies to things other than the Texans.

Knowing that, the decision to launch a fanblog about the team that nearly every Texans fan loathes is questionable at best. It’s a big “fuck you” to the Texans fans at worst. Some of the commenters on that Chron story have made good comparisons–that it’s like having a “Bronx chapter of the Red Sox fan club”–but that misses the point slightly, as the Yankees would likely be well represented and well covered alongside the Red Sox talk. Here, this is nothing more than offering to be the pivot man for any Cowboys fans that come along, while simultaneously taking a gigantic dump on the Texans and their fans.

And, really, is that even surprising at this point? The writers over there have made it more than clear that they are willing to let their personal feelings about players color what the write, that they have no qualms about making stuff up about players or about the team in general, and that many of them would like nothing more than to be Vince Young’s fluffer in their next lives. So why, then, would we be even slightly shocked that they would take the next logical step and put fan coverage of the Cowboys on par with that of the Texans? The only unexpected part of this story is that they didn’t just have Thomas Hilton killed and replace the Texans fan blog completely.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but this is the final straw with me. As of now, unless one of the stories over there mentions me or this blog by name, I will not comment on or link to anything written by paid employees of the Houston Chronicle. I’m reasonably sure I will get by without them.

Last week: 13-3 (boo yah.)
Season: 99-60

Week 12 Picks
Oakland @ Kansas City. Thanks for playing, Priest Holmes. It was nice of you to show up and make me look smart for picking you up in my fantasy league. Bummer about that neck thing. Maybe you could have it amputated or something; I’m not really a doctor, though, so I don’t know. Pick: Kansas City

New Orleans @ Carolina. I enjoyed the fact that four different people emailed me about the “Carr losing his job” thing. Even better were the subject lines, like “Ha! Carr eats balls!” and “Zoolander benched, possibly in tears.” A+, peoples. Pick: Carolina

JUGGERNAUT@ Cleveland. This game is giving me heartburn. I love the fact that we should be able to throw all over them. I hate the fact that they will be able to throw all over us. I love that Andre Johnson makes such a difference in our team. I hate that Derek Anderson is an untouchable ninja. Etc. Pick: Houston

Seattle @ St. Louis. The NFC West is one of the best examples I’ve seen for not overturning Roe v. Wade. Pick: Seattle

Washington @ Tampa Bay. If there is on group of fans who can understand what Texans fans have dealt with on the injury front this season, it’s Redskins fans. Other than that, I can think of nothing even remotely entertaining to say about this game. Pick: Washington

Tennessee @ Cincinnati. If you won $100,000,000, what three things would you definitely do? I would buy a hippopotamus, fund a coup in a third-world country, and buy the Tennessee Titans so I could run them into the ground. Thankfully, I would already have the perfect QB to accomplish this diabolical plan. BWAHAHAHAHA! Pick: Tennessee

Buffalo @ Jacksonville. I have stuck with the Bills for much of the last couple months, so I see no reason to stop now that a win would actually HELP the Texans. Pick: Buffalo

Minnesota @ New York Giants. Some games are so damned obvious, it takes the fun out of this. There is NO way Minny stops Plaxico and Shockey. None. Can’t happen. Pick: New York Giants

San Francisco @ Arizona. No, seriously, FUCK the NFC West. It’s like watching a midget sodomize a corpse, only without being funny. Pick: Arizona

Denver @ Chicago. Is it possible for an entire team to be schizophrenic? Because this Denver team has at least three different personalities, only one of which is good. Pick: Denver

Baltimore @ San Diego. That Verizon Wireless commercial where people are dancing like they are having seizures and the song keeps saying “watch me move like my Juke” makes me want to punch someone in the face. Sad part is, it’s not even in my top 5 current most hated commercials; it’s just the most annoying one that played as I was thinking of something to write about this game. Pick: San Diego

Philadelphia @ New England. I’m bored. Pick: New England

Miami @ Pittsburgh. The Steelers fell asleep during the Jets game last week and let one slip away. Luckily for them, they could actually play this entire game in their sleep and still win by 14. Pick: Pittsburgh

Hello peoples. I am here today to talk to you about proper holiday nutrition.

You see, too often peoples such as yourselves fail to include an important food group in your Thanksgiving feastseses. Oh, sure, you remember the scrumptious turkey with stuffing, the sweet potatoes with the little melty marshmallows on top, the cranberry sauce, the punkin pies, and even the smashed potatoes with giblet gravy. All of that is verry, verry delightful, but it is incomplete. So, let Travis Johnson impart a little wisdom this Thanksgiving morning: When making dinner, please don’t forget the vegetables.

Happy Thanksgiving.

BUT BIG CHANGES ARE COMING TO DGDB&D!!!!!

Ed. note: It’s no secret that I have an active dislike for the Houston Chronicle and, even more specifically, for the trite drivel spewed by most of their sportswriters. Lest ye think I am alone in my disdain, I present the following letter from BFD to John McClain, as first posted at BRB.

Dear Mr. McClain,

As I intimated recently, the Jurassic media, such as the Houston Comicle, jumped the shark many years ago. As if to prove my point with a flourish, you publish this absolute turd of an article.

Forgetting such basic math concepts such as prior performance is no guarantee of future performance or that as variables (aka players, coaches, your BAC) change, the outcome will change, I will again pound on a theme that has become blatantly obvious to any reader with an education level north of Richard Justice, or about the 4th grade.

You, Mr. McClain, hate the Texans. Whether it’s the unrequited love syndrome that so affects Justice due to his man-crush on Vince Young, or whether you seem to enjoy inflicting Solomon-esque pain, I am not quite sure. Perhaps, it’s a little of both? Or am I missing something?

Now, I’m sure your defense will be, “But I mentioned they are .500! Don’t you read? Or do you just read what you want to read?” To answer your questions, yes I read. And, yes, I read what I want to read. You, dear sir, do not fall into the “want to read” category. As for yet another back-handed compliment, we’ll just place that one in the Mario file.

If you are the General, you are the modern-day equivalent of Ambrose Burnside. And with a leader like you, who needs the bleach?

The overall lack of objectivity toward the Texans is incredibly reprehensible, but even when given the opportunity to play a bit of a hometown fan-boy, you showed your true colors. How could, and why should, anyone consider the Houston Chronicle sports section a reliable source of information when you and your cohorts have exhibited such unmitigated and non-negotiable hatred of the Houston Texans?

Your BFF,
XOXOXOXOX,
bigfatdrunk

PS: I’m sure you’ll take full credit for being incredibly right, all the time, once the bandwagon starts chugging.

Just scrolled across the bottom of NFL Network:

“Houston Texans: Activate RB Darius Walker from practice squad.”

Interesting for a number of reasons. First, this might mean that Gary is starting to doubt Joe Echemandu. (Echeman-don’t?) Second, it wasn’t that long ago that someone close to the Texans organization told me that “Walker’s not good, but you’re right [in thinking] he asked to be released. That said, I would be shocked if he made a roster, let alone play a down in the NFL.” Maybe is he is less not good now? Third, could this possibly be the final sign that Ahman Green shan’t be suiting up in the Texans colors again this year (or ever)?

One of the great things about last Sunday’s win (and, really, any win) is that it allows me to move on quickly to thinking about the next game instead of dwelling on all the ways I’d like to injure Richard Smith (i.e. with a tack hammer, throwing him in front of a train, etc.). So, it’s on to the City by the Lake. Or, if you are the negative type, that place where the fucking river caught on fire multiple times.

Two weeks into this season, I was contemplating hiring someone with large hands to fist Randy Lerner because it looked like that draft pick they traded to Dallas was going to be a top 5 pick and would net Dallas Darren McFadden. Thankfully, they have improved since then, negating my need for paid sexual assault. Somewhat.

Unfortunately, if you are a Texans fan, the Browns’ improvement has been significant. They are currently 6-4 thanks in large part to the play of Derek “Horse Balls” Anderson and a couple nice field goal bounces. Fortunately, if you are a Texans fan, they Browns record is due in no way to their defense, which could not stop a fat a Girl Scout from gaining 75 yards on 20 carries. (This is especially good news for Ron Dayne who is, in many ways, our own fat Girl Scout.)

Over at BRB, Mr. “Oh, yeah, I completely forgot that there were two bloggers,” Scott, offers up a detailed examination of the AFC Playoff picture and where the Texans fit within it. Basically, if we win our next two games–@ Cleveland and @ Tennessee–we will have a real shot at playing into January; if we don’t, we can probably start making reservations for whatever the hell people do in January. Simple.

So, what will it take to win this week? Well, as I noted above, Cleveland’s defense is about as potent as a mustard burp on a windy day in the stockyards. They rank 31st in the league against the pass and 28th against the run. Now, while we might not have much of a run game (inexplicable Ron Dayne performances notwithstanding), we can pass the hell out of the ball, ranking 7th with nearly 255 yards per game. And that was without AJ for most of the year. If Schaub doesn’t crack 300 this week, something went wrong. Thus, we should have little-to-no problem scoring. THUS, whether we win is going to come down–as it always seems to–to whether we can stop the Browns passing attack (10th in the league with almost 240/ypg).

If you’d asked me prior to the Saints game if we were going to beat any team that passed the ball well, I’d have kicked you in the junk for being a facetious asshole. Now, however, I can at least have hope.

For one thing, the secondary played very well last week and, in a bizarre turn of events, decided that they should attempt to intercept the ball. Always a welcome addition, that. They are not going to be mistaken for a Pro Bowl roster, but they seem to play well together and everyone seemingly has a role. The Fred gets to be the physical corner, bis the ball-hawking corner, C.C. gets to knock the shit out of people, and L.L. Smooth Will is the Indian Chief. In theory, that works.

In reality, however, that only works when you have adequate pressure on the QB. After the Saints game, we now have proof that, properly motivated, the defensive line can get some pressure on the opposing ball chucker by themselves. This week will give them a chance to prove that they can do it against an NFL-quality line, as Anderson has only been sacked 8 times this year. And, since we know that Richard Smith blitzes roughly as often as I post without swearing, the front four is going to have their work cut out for them.

Barring anything unforeseen, that is pretty much the long and short of the game: can our pass defense hold up enough to keep Cleveland from matching us score for score? I mean, after watching Mario and Co. superman Reggie Bush, I have little concern that Jamal Lewis is going to break 80 yards on us. On the flip side, I think the Dayne Trayne will rumble for just enough against Cleveland’s run “defense” to keep the Browns honest. All of which means that, as of this moment, our playoff hopes (or, stated more generally, our hopes for a winning season) rest on the shoulders of four guys who were either not starting in week 1 or who were starting at a different position.

Strangely–and perhaps this is a sign of how far this team has come–I am not near as worried as I probably should be.

Regardless of how good it felt to watch our defense slap Reggie Bush around like he stole something, the most important thing about yesterday’s game was that it got us back to .500. This seems obvious, but consider the implications–a win meant that we needed to go 3-3 over the last six, while a loss forced us to go 4-2 if we were to break even on the year. Considering both our schedule and how we’ve played thus far, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that 3-3 seems infinitely more likely than 4-2. Thankfully, we don’t have to think about that today.

What we do get to think about is all the things that went right yesterday. IT’S BULLETED LIST TIME!!!!

• Andre m.f. Johnson. Welcome back, sir. Regardless of how well Apostrophe and K-Dub and the gang played in Johnson’s absence, one need only look at that gorgeous 73-yard TD strike to realize just how much AJ means to this offense. A person would not be incorrect in assuming that a healthy AJ for the entire season would have meant at least one more win (Atlanta? Tennessee? INDY???) and possibly more. Of course, this realization only increases my annoyance with Gary Kubiak for having Johnson on the field in the fourth quarter of a blowout at Carolina. Somehow, this has managed to be swept under the rug by the mainstream media–probably because they ignore us in general–but that lack of action by Kubiak towers over his clock-management skills in terms of how much it hurt us.
• Mario Williams. Dear Richard Justice, Eat poop. Sincerely, Mario Williams. I mentioned it yesterday, but six tackles (4 of which were on Reggie Bush) and a sack/forced fumble for Mario would be good in any game, but in a game like this, where he was under a national microscope, that’s out-freakin’-standing. (Speaking of the national spotlight, not to play the Rodney Dangerfield card again, but it’s indicative of the lack of respect we get nationally that people weren’t talking very loudly about how Mario outplayed Reggie; after all, were the roles reversed and Reggie the better player yesterday, NFL writers would have been all over it. Whatever.)
• Ron Dayne. Seriously? No, I mean, for really serious? I fail to understand the enigmatic pastry that is Ron Dayne. How can he cut back against blocks and sneak through holes for the occasional big run, yet not be able to get a 4th and 1? He weighs 245 pounds for christsakes. And why does Andre Ware keep telling me that Dayne is a “power runner?” Power runners get that single yard and fall forward; Dayne is merely a surprisingly quick fat guy. Still, nice performance yesterday, Krispy Kreme.
• Reggie Bush. Thanks for the two fumbles, douche nozzle.
• Owen Daniels. Two questions: How do you break your nose while wearing a football helmet and how bad ass do you have to be to play the game with a broken nose? I have no answer for the first one, but the answer to the second is “as bad ass as Owen Daniels.” Also, he got shafted on the fumble call (more on that in a minute), so his day of 5 catches for 72 yards with a broken nose was even better than it appears.
• Defensive line. Richard Smith continues to adhere to his “ewww, blitzes are yucky” philosophy, but the defensive line stepped up big yesterday. They had backfield penetration all day and even got a sack on a QB who had been sacked the league’s fewest times. They combined for 19 total tackles, 1 sack, and two forced fumbles. You can’t ask for much more than that without bringing some extra bodies. Of course, this performance shows that there is real talent in that front four, which leads me to believe that, in addition to avoiding blitzes like Karen Carpenter avoided cake, Richard Smith is having problems motivating his players. I know, I know…”they are professionals, so they shouldn’t need outside motivation.” Probably true, but they are also reasonably young, unaccustomed to winning consistently, constantly maligned by jerkwad Chronicle writers, and having to do the pass rushing duties entirely on their own, so offering some motivation and trying to get guys fired up might be necessary for a year or two. Hell, Mario played like a man possessed yesterday, almost certainly because he had the Reggie thing to spur him on. The other guys picked up on that, too. The defensive coordinator needs to at least try to light that kind of fire under his players week in and week out.
• Offensive line. Hmm…at the beginning of the year, when they looked really good, Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were healthy. Yesterday, when they again looked good, Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were healthy. Interesting. Still, they only allowed one sack and Schaub seemed to have enough time to go through his reads most of the afternoon. Kudos, large men.
• Matt Schaub. In addition to hitting Johnson and going through his reads well, Schaub also fired a laser to Joel Dreessen in the back of the endzone. I know a certain gloved QB who could not have made that throw even in practice.
• The secondary. For a group that was supposed to give up roughly 575 yards passing yesterday, they looked pretty damned good. Von Hutchins got himself an INT, just to show Stephanie that she was wrong about him, and the other guys played well pretty much start to finish. Who woulda thunk it?
• Kris Brown. If a story came out today that alleged Kris Brown was a ninja from the future, I would buy it completely.
• Matt Turk. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Other things worth thinking about, but from a not-so-happy point of view:

• Adimchinobe Echemandu. 1 carry, 1 fumble lost, -3 fantasy points for me. I fear I might have believed too highly in the talent of Joe Echema. Please prove me wrong, Joe. Please.
• Mike Carey and his Crew of Assclowns. OK…someone please tell me how in the hell a crew can consistently get every single call wrong. How is this possible? Even worse, how does the official get the part of a play being challenged wrong? OF COURSE Daniels lost the ball, tick turd; that’s not what you were supposed to be looking at. And the fumble Mario caused, where you just assumed after the fact that New Orleans had possession? How did that work? Oh, and what about the numerous times no one felt the need to flag illegal linemen down field? Do we not call that one anymore? I’m glad we won, just so this doesn’t sound like sour grapes, but that was an absolutely wretched job. Unfortunately, that was also the norm for a Mike Carey crew.
• Umm…I think that’s about it.

5-5. I’ll take it.

February 7, 2038

Television Announcer: …and, with that, the Houston Texans are Super Bowl Champions for the fourth time in franchise history! For head coach Sage Rosenfels, this victory has to be extra sweet. Let’s head down to the Erin Andrews’ Robot Clone for an interview with the Super Bowl LXII MVP, defensive back DeMarcus Faggins, Jr .

Me: (turning off TV) Computer.

Computer: Yes, handsome?

Me: Dictate blog post.

Computer: Ready.

Me: And so, it came to pass that, on this seven–

Grandson #1: (running in from other room) Grandpa! Grandpa! We won!!

Grandson #2: Tell us about the old Texans, grandpa!

Me: Ok, ok. Calm down. What do you guys want to hear about?

Grandson #2: Mario Williams!

Grandson #1: Andre Johnson!

Me: Well, I can do that. In fact, I think I can tell you about both of them at once. (reclining into virtual chair) The year was 2007. Things were veeerrry different back then.

Grandson #2: What do you mean?

Me: Well, for one thing, kids were not sponsored by corporations, so your name would just be “George” instead of “Home Depot presents George.”

Grandson #1: And my name wouldn’t have “presented by Massengil” in it?

Me: Exactly. And another thing–Senator Sean Preston Federline was just a little white-trash toddler being neglected by his mom. Only we saw it every single day on national TV. It was her OD on Red Bull and Marlboro Lights in 2009 that really saved Sean.

Grandson #2: Wow! What were the Texans like?

Me: Well, back in 2007, they were still looking for their first winning season. They had gotten rid of David Carr–

Grandson #1: The gay actor?

Me: Yep, but this was before he came out of the closet and started dating Tony Romo. Anyway, they’d finally gotten rid of him and they’d traded for Matt Schaub, who would later go on to become the mayor of Houston. Even though things were looking up, though, the team was still taking a lot of flack from the media for taking Mario Williams in the 2006 draft over this guy named Reggie Bush.

Grandson #2: The media? You mean blogs?

Me: No, George, I mean print media. You see, back then, newspapers were actually sold in paper form instead of being delivered over email. And the writers at the Houston Chronicle, which doesn’t exist anymore, were constantly bashing Mario Williams. This one asshole–excuse me–this one jerk, Richard Justice, was continually making up lies and trying to convince people that Mario was awful. Years later, Justice was arrested for trafficking in Ethiopian child porn. Really strange case, that one.

Anyway…it happened in 2007 that the New Orleans Saints–this was before New Orleans sank into the Gulf and the team moved to Utah–came to Houston with both teams sporting 4-5 records. This was the big “Mario versus Reggie” matchup people were waiting for. To add to the drama, though, Andre Johnson had been injured since week 2 and was returning for this game. Oh, and our secondary had lost all sorts of players, including Hall of Famer Dunta Robinson.

Well, the media–remember, this was before blogs like mine and “Tim’s Battle Red Blogging Extravaganza presented by Old Crow” had really taken off–were predicting that Reggie would run all over our defense, that Mario would be a non-factor, and that Matt wouldn’t have time to even look for Andre Johnson.

Grandson #1: What happened?!

Me: Pretty much everything that they thought would not happen. Matt hit Andre on a 73 yard TD early in the game. Our secondary knocked down a bunch of passes and came up with some key interceptions. Mario had 6 tackles and a sack. And Reggie was awful, fumbling twice and averaging around two yards per carry.

Grandson #2: Ewww. That’s awful.

Me: Tell me about it. That game really marked the beginning of the end for Bush. Within three years, he was a punt returner for the Cleveland Browns.

Grandson #1: What happened with the Texans?

Me: Well, they wound up .500 in 2007, made the playoffs for the first time in 2008 and, in February 2011, won their first Super Bowl by defeating the San Francisco 49ers in the Cowboys new stadium. Your uncle Rupert was conceived later that same night in a hotel room in Arlington after a few too many dri–um, err, I mean… it’s bedtime, fellas. Go kiss grandma goodnight.

Grandson #2: Goodnight, grandpa.

Me: Computer.

Computer: Yes, magnificent one?

Me: Scratch the last post. I’m tired; just use the old “fake conversation” template and mail one in.

Computer: As you wish. Fuck the Cowboys.

15 carries for 34 yards (2.27/carry), 12 catches for 70 yards, 2 Fumbles Lost

(Just for the hell of it: Mario Williams 6 tackles, 1 sack, 1 forced fumble, in on 4 tackles that limited Bush to 5 total yards)

Being that I live in Little Rock, and being that Little Rock is roughly equidistant from Houston and New Orleans, and factoring in that Little Rock still has a number of displaced New Orleansians, I blindly assumed that I would get to watch today’s game.

Not so.

It appears that there is an island of Arkansas that gets treated to NY-Detroit. Because, you know, there are likely to be a LOT of Giants and Lions fans here, right? (I understand that Cowboys fans might be interested in the Giants outcome, but that’s not really a reason to air the game, is it?)

Damn. Off to find an internet feed.

I think there’s a good chance that, years from now, the most embarrassing thing about this blog will not be the forcible sodomy jokes, or the blasphemy, or even the fact that I spent most of my time making up conversations between people I have never met.

Nope, while those will all certainly be cringe-inducing to varying degrees, the most embarrassing thing is going to be this comment on Ahman Green:

I gotta say, along with The Schaub Experiment and the Okoye-Mario tandem, I am pumped about Batman being in a Texans uni. I even wrote a post on it somewhere (post-vacation hangover–way too lazy to look for the post). Barring something catastrophic, I think we can pencil him in for over 1100 yards. When’s the last time you were thinking that going into a season?

If you followed my advice–and, if you did, shame on you–go ahead and erase that “1100 yards.” Feel free to replace it with “14 injuries.”

Seriously, though–what the hell? I thought we’d get somewhere between 12 and 14 games out of him. Instead, if Kubiak’s latest is to be believed, there’s a chance we won’t even see him again this season. Fantastic.

Last week: 9-5
Season: 86-57

Week 11 Picks

Miami @ Philadelphia. I’ve never been to Philly, so everything I know about the city, I picked up from Rocky movies. For instance, meat packing plants have no supervisors, so you are free to go in and beat the shit out of beef. There are bums singing around burning trashcans on every corner. And people will pay rapt attention to computer-simulated boxing matches during SportsCenter. Odd place, Philadelphia. Pick: Philadelphia

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta. A-T-L, Georgia, what can we do fo’ ya?/ Bulldoggin’ hoes like them Georgetown Hoyas/ Boy you sounding silly, think my Brougham ain’t sittin’ pretty/ Doin’ doughnuts ’round you suckas like them circles around titties. Pick: Atlanta

Cleveland @ Baltimore. I’m as baffled as you are by this Cleveland team. You know what’s not baffling, though? Baltimore’s complete lack of offense. Pick: Cleveland

San Diego @ Jacksonville. From the city of Jacksonville website: “When it comes to spectator sports in Jacksonville, there’s no question that football is king. And the king’s throne is Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, which opened in August 1995, and is home of the Jacksonville Jaguars of the National Football League.” OH, those Jacksonville Jaguars. I’m glad they specified. Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans @ JUGGERNAUT. Yeah, yeah, yeah…2006 Draft, blah blah. Whatever. This game is all about one thing–Reggie Bush’s vagina. Pick: HOUSTON

Kansas City @ Indianapolis. I cannot come up with a situation where the Colts would lose this game, even if they weren’t coming off back-to-back losses. So, instead, another story from when I lived in Kansas City. I was working out at my usual gym, which had this shitty, indoor basketball court. It was all of the usual people for the most part, including former Chief and current color-commentator JC Pearson. All of the sudden, we hear this buzz, as if a LOT more people have stopped lifting and started watching the crappy basketball game. Then, I figured out why–KC resident and (then) LA Laker Tyronne Lue had showed up and actually wanted to play. Somehow–and I will never understand why until the day I die–I wound up guarding him on five possessions. The first two times, he drained a three over me. The third, he crossed over, I fell down, and he hit a jumper. The fourth, though, right as he moved left, I stuck out my hand and stole the ball for a fast break layup. Before I could gloat, however, he caught a pass in the corner, blew past the guy closest to him, and basically jumped over me to dunk the ball. For the rest of the time I went to that gym, I was known as “the dude Lue dunked on.” Pick: Indianapolis

New York Giants @ Detroit. This could actually be one of the best games of the week, but I am completely uninspired by it. I think it’s because I hate the Lions. Pick: New York Giants

Carolina @ Green Bay. Everyone else will be pointing out that a Vinnie v. Brett matchup is a whole lot of combined years at QB. Fuck that. The more interesting story is that a Brett v. Mittens matchup pits two guys who could not be less alike against one another. It’s George Clooney v. Perez Hilton. Pick: Green Bay

Oakland @ Minnesota. Thirty years ago, I was happily gestating somewhere in southern MO, Rod Stewart was burning up the airways with “Tonight’s The Night,” and this pairing was your Super Bowl matchup. None of that really matters much, except I just realized that I am getting really close to turning thirty. Fuck. Pick: Oakland

Arizona @ Cincinnati. Hey, Marvin, when you inevitably get fired at the end of the year (if not sooner), would you have any interest in returning to a defensive coordinator position? If so, please send your resume to Gary Kubiak, 1 Reliant Park, Houston, TX 77054. (Oh, Richard Smith, if you could start boxing up your stuff, that would be great.) Pick: Arizona

Pittsburgh @ New York Jets. Horrible confession: I was a little disappointed that the J-E-T-S fireman guy wasn’t among the casualties on 9/11. Does this make me a bad person? (Like I really need to ask.) Pick: Pittsburgh

Chicago @ Seattle. [Author's note: Horrible, obvious joke coming.] They’re bringing Rexy back. Them other QBs don’t know how to act. Lovie, let him make up for all the things you lack. Let Rexy air it out because we’re sinking fast. [/horrible, obvious joke] Pick: Seattle

St. Louis @ San Francisco. Goddamn, this game sucks. Pick: St. Louis

Washington @ Dallas. Sean Taylor is hurt. This is bad. Strangely, he is still better in coverage than Roy Williams. Also, because I have nothing else, fuck the Cowboys. Pick: Dallas

New England @ Buffalo. Will they get to 19-0? I’m not sure. Will they beat the Bills? You bet your sweet titties. Pick: New England

Tennessee @ Denver. DGDB&D reader (and part-time instigator) Tman is going to be at this game. With any luck, Barrel Man will expose himself to Tman and the other Titans fans just as Ian Gold knocks Vince Young unconscious. Regardless, the odds of me busting out the live blog for this game are pretty good. Pick: Denver