DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Rumpleforeskin

Dec 11, 2007 Boobies, Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Johnny Fisterbottom, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Junior High Principal: If everyone could please take your seats and settle down, we’ll get started. As you know, this…um…sex education lecture is normally given by Coach Wright. However, due to certain ongoing legal proceedings, we didn’t feel that would be in the best interest of the school this year. So, we decided to bring in a local celebrity to talk to you about…um…sex today. So please give your full attention to Mr. Will Demps of the Houston Texans.

Will Demps: Hello, little school children. Principal Whitey–

Principal: That’s “Whitley.”

Demps: –asked me here today to talk to you young men about sex and peer pressure. Now, I asked myself, “what do I wish someone had told me when I was in seventh grade?” Then I remembered that I actually lost my virginity in fifth grade–that’s the type of thing that happens when you are a natural-born athlete with 14″ of throbbing, brown Jesus in your jockstrap. (adjusts junk) Tell ya what… how about I just answer some of your questions about sex and we can go from there? Let’s see. You, the skinny cracker in the back. What’s your question?

John: Well…um…I was…well…could you kind of…uh…explain a woman’s anatomy?

Demps: Seriously? Y’all don’t know?

(lots of head shaking and nervous glances around classroom)

Demps: DAMN! Ok, no problem, young devil. First, you know, you have them big ol’ tit-tays up top, right? That’s like the previews at the movies. You don’t actually do anything with those, because there is nothing in it for you, but they are kinda fun to play with and look at for a few minutes. Plus, if you have a big girl, you can use those things as a flotation device should your boat capsize.

Down below, you’ve got the vagina. This is made up of, um, the meat curtains and, uh, the love button and some other parts that scientists don’t totally understand. This is where the magic happens, though. Next question?

Steve: Yeah, my older brother says that you can get AIDS from oral sex. Is this true?

Demps: No, you cannot get AIDS from getting head because that ain’t how it works. I mean, they calling it “getting” but you are the only one giving anything away in the transaction.

Steve: But what about from giving oral sex to a girl?

Demps: Only lesbians do that. True playas don’t snack on fuzzy tacos, Whitebread. Next question.

Brian: Um, I was with my girlfriend the other night and, well, it…I mean…I couldn’t get it up. Is there something wrong with me?

Demps: Look, I’ve sexed with pretty much every beautiful woman between New Jersey and Houston and never once did my Fallopian Fiddler have trouble playin’ his tune, knowatImsayin? So, yeah, if you couldn’t get your little Escalante to Stand And Deliver, then there must be something wrong with you. Now, I’m no doctor, but I would say you either have a venereal disease or you caught the gay. Or you are dating a fat chick. Next?

Jason: I have a date with a girl tonight and I don’t know what to do for fun. Any ideas?

Demps: Let’s see…I’d go with “do her in the butt.”

Eric: Mr. Demps, I feel like there is a lot of pressure to have sex, even though I am not sure if I am ready. I just think that maybe a man should wait unt–

Demps: Hold up, Honky Lips. That’s not pressure to have sex; that’s pressure to not be a big ol’ pussy. What do you mean, “not sure if you’re ready?” I seriously can’t believe I’m hearing this shit. “Not sure if I’m ready.” Man, you have got to be kidding. Would I be where I am today if I’d been a scared little bitch when my fifth grade teacher started feeling me up? Hell to da naw, dog.

Look, I’m about out of time here, so I am going to leave you with this advice: LIFE is about two things–getting someone to mouthify your wang and getting some funk on your hangdown. The rest is just gravy.