DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

A Timeline Of Petey Faggins’ Suckiosity

Feb 8, 2008 2002 Draft, 2007 Season, Bloggerating, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Had to post something, History, Inanity, Self-Referential Stuff

June 13, 1979–On my first birthday, Petey Faggins is born. In what will become a lifelong theme, Faggins consistently misses the nipple as he tries to breast feed. He quickly learns that his only hope is to grab it with both hands and hope he can get his face there before it breaks free.

May 3, 1983–Three-year-old Petey’s pet turtle Rodrigo escapes. Petey attempts to tackle the turtle before it can get away, but misses completely. He lays on the ground crying as the turtle bolts for safety. His grandmother boos him for the first time.

November 25, 1990–Petey wins the role of Miles Standish in his fifth-grade Thanksgiving play. Despite an outstanding performance by little Stevie Johnson as Squanto, the play falls flat because Petey flubs all his lines and even falls off the stage at one point. The Pilgrims are booed mercilessly.

December 25, 1993–14-year-old Petey receives an autographed Deion Sanders football for Christmas. He holds it up and proclaims that he is going to be in the NFL as a defensive back one day, too. He then drops the football, breaking his grandma’s favorite ornament, prompting the old lady to punch him in the mouth. He cries.

January 15, 1997–Petey Faggins signs his letter of intent to play for Navarro Junior College. When asked why he didn’t sign with an NCAA school, Faggins offers only that they “didn’t know what they were missing.” People assume he is joking, so they laugh. Faggins dies a little inside.

July 29, 1999–Faggins transfers to Kansas State after two years at Navarro, where he quickly endears himself to the QBs he is facing in practice. “He’s a nice guy–never shows you up at all” says one QB.

April 21, 2002–On the strength of a good senior year, Faggins is drafted in the Sixth Round by the Houston Texans. Charlie Casserly goes to shake his hand, but Petey bites on what he thinks is a fake and nearly trips up the stairs. Dom Capers throws up a little.

October 13, 2002–Makes NFL debut, playing special teams against Buffalo. Was heard remarking “aw, crap” as Buffalo’s returners ran past him time and time again. Rumored to have considered making tackle, if only the other players would stop moving.

August 31, 2003–Released by the Texans, then signed the following day to the practice squad. Finds the level of competition on the practice squad to be similar to the NFL, thus he still sucks.

November 9, 2003–Resigned to active roster and makes season debut against the Cincinnati Bengals. Does not notch a tackle and receives several phone calls from childhood friends after the game reminding him that he sucks. He cries himself to sleep that evening.

September 2, 2004–Realizes that he will be on the active roster for the whole season, barring injury. Wants to go out with friends to celebrate this revelation, but all of them have other things to do. Faggins is empty inside.

2005 season–Starts 10 games. Every now and then, he does something positive and people begin to wonder if he is starting to suck less.

2006 season–Fighting an injury for much of the year, the time he does get on the field is spent dissuading the notion from last season. At one point, he nearly gets in a slap-fight with David Carr when Carr suggests that even he could light up Faggins. The fight is avoided, however, when in a shocking turn of events three or four other teammates chime in in agreement with Carr.

May 2, 2007–Da Good, Da Bad, and DeMeco is founded. The first post features this nugget: “Second, Demarcus Faggins and Dexter McCleon and Von Hutchins combine for a Suckfactor* score of roughly 9–a number that Jamar Fletcher is unlikely to bring down.” The blog will spend the entire summer railing about how awful Faggins is, but the pleas will fall upon deaf ears.

September 30, 2007–Faggins’ play against the Atlanta Falcons prompts this entry: “After last week, the pro-Petey stance was that he had matched up with great receivers and, thus, had no chance. Well, he’s in the process of getting meat-shanked by Harrington and some no-name wideouts, and he has two PIs and two holds. In short, he’s playing like someone who sucks. Because he is someone who sucks. So, new rule at DGDB&D (which, I believe, is our first and only rule): Excuses and/or praise for Faggins are verboten. Seriously.”

November 13, 2007–The injury to Dunta Robinson does not get Petey back into the starting lineup, much to my happiness. Of course, I also lose my mind and go off on the following rant:

Which actully dovetails into the bigger point I wanted to make. Namely, that my dumb ass has been screaming since the inception of this blog about how bad Faggins is (pre-blog, actually, but I have no visual proof of that), yet it took the Texans’ cognoscenti OTAs, training camp, and multiple shitty games–including games where you could pin the majority of the blame for the loss on him–before they could see what we already knew.

How is this possible? How is it that people who, given the chance, would explain to us how they understand football in ways we never will could themselves be so clueless about something so obvious? I understand the desire for them to give him the benefit of the doubt. I even understand not selling him out to the media after the Panthers game. But I do not, cannot, and will not pretend to understand how they could keep rolling out one of the worst starters in the NFL week after week.

And that is exactly what they are admitting with a move like this one with Hutchins. They are saying that Petey is so bad as a starting corner that even a season-ending injury is not enough to move him up the depth chart; that they would rather un-convert a CB-cum-safety than let Petey stink up the joint as a starter. To which I can only say, “duh” and “thank god,” respectively.

I guess what I am looking for is some sort of mea culpa from the front office or even from Kubiak himself. I just want a little “ok, my bad…Faggins is just not capable of doing this and we are sorry we pretended otherwise, but, look, we’re doing something to fix it.” I know I will never get this, though, so I suppose this Hutchins thing will just have to do.

If Faggins is on the opening day roster in 2008, though, I reserve the right to have someone killed.

December 31, 2007–To ring in the New Year, Faggins wants to go to a party in his neighborhood. He changes his mind, however, when he sees that the invitation tells him to bring a “covered dish” and he has no idea what “covered” means. Instead, he sits at home by himself, watching the ball drop on television. This vision calms him for some reason.

February 8, 2008–After another full season of sucking, Faggins causes a blogger to snap and write a barely-funny timeline in lieu of a post about how Faggins is the Good Charlotte of the NFL.