DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

h/t to Eric for the link, but it looks like the Vikes might be jonesing to get Sage.

I’m going to be tied up the rest of the morning, so discuss amongst yourselves. You can probably guess that this excites me greatly.

4/1/2008 Addition: This morning, StarTribune.com is reporting that Smithiak isn’t interested in trading Sage at all. Personally, I think it’s posturing, as the reporter mentions.

If we do make a trade, leg hugs all around. Oh, and is it me, or are some of the commenters on the StarTrib site lame? People still post “First!”? Really?

Houston Texans lockerroom, 9:35 pm

Will Demps: (singing to himself) It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl / Christmas…dick in a box / Hannukah…dick in a box / Kwanzaa…dick in a box / Every single holiday, a dick in a box / Over at your parents house, a dick in a box / Mid-day at the grocery store, a dick in a box…

Kevin Bentley: Hello, William.

Demps: Whoa! Will Demps didn’t see you there! Why are you sitting in here with no music on? (turns Justin Timberlake CD on) I’m bringin’ sexy back…

Bentley: I was conjugating irregular Latin verbs from memory, William.

Demps: Conju-what?

Bentley: You know, “sum, erum, ero…” You have no idea what I am talking about do you?

Demps: Will Demps caught his reflection in the mirror and totally stopped listening to you.

Bentley: Anyway, William, much like our last encounter, it is fortuitous that I have again encountered you.

Demps: Speak English, motherfucker. Will Demps doesn’t speak uppity college jibber-jabber.

Bentley: (sighing) Cretin. Like I was saying, it’s good that you are here. Let me preface this by asking a question–you consider yourself quite the ladies’ man, don’t you?

Demps: Does a bear shit in the woods? Will Demps has been in more bush than Crocodile Dundee. Will Demps has plowed more fur fields than John Deere. Will Demps has bon–

Bentley: Christ, I get it! OK, that said, I think you realize that there can be only one, William.

Demps: What kind of Highlander shit are you talking about?

Bentley: This lockerroom–nay, this TOWN–is not big enough for both of us. There are only so many fine young females to go around, you know. So I have come up with a solution…if you have the courage for it.

Demps: Motherfucker, Will Demps has all the courage in the world. Will Demps once let a hungry fat girl go down on him; you have any idea what kind of courage THAT takes?!?

Bentley: Glad to hear it. Here’s the deal–a Contest of Sexual Conquest. Except, rather than sheer numbers, there is only one lady who matters. Bed this prize and you win; I’ll ask to be released so that I can go finish the Great American Novel. But, if I win, you must leave Houston and never return.

Demps: Shiiiiiiiit, holmes. Will Demps has never met some red snapper he couldn’t filet with a quickness.

Bentley: Is that a yes? I rarely have any clue as to what you are saying.

Demps: Fuck yes, it’s a yes. Wait…who’s the Golden Vag?

Bentley: Rhonda.

Demps: Rhonda? Rhonda who, Will Demps don’t kno–WAIT! You mean Rhonda KUBIAK?!?!

Bentley: Indeed, young William. Indeed. You see, I have found that the only prizes worth chasing are the ones that require the most risk. Much like how, once a man has killed another man, mere hunting of dumb animals never satisfies his blood lust again.

Demps: (looking confused)

Bentley: (exasperated) Yes. Rhonda Kubiak. Bed her and you win.

Demps: Will Demps is not so sure this is a great idea…but Will Demps loves him a challenge. Let’s do this. May the best man win.

Bentley: Oh, I shall, William. I shall.

TO BE CONTINUED…

By popular demand (BWHAHAHAHA!!!), I am delighted to introduce you to our new, wonderful, awesomest baseball blog, Warning Track Power.

Though I imagined all of us on a grand stage, flowers being tossed at us lovingly by our admiring fans, well, that just ain’t gonna happen. I think we’ve put together an outstanding starting cast of contributors to the site, including Matt, Tim from BRB, and a couple of extra special guest stars.

I think it’s safe to say that you can expect the high level of polite discourse at WTP as we exhibit here, except without the filipino tranny porn.

So, if you’re a baseball fan, join us over there for some baseball fun. The site’s still a work in progress, but I am truly excited about it. WHEE!!!!

What can I say? I love my peeps. Read this blog? You are my peeps.

To show my love, I could either give you a special leg hug a la DiehardChris, but I reserve that touch for my wife (and the Texans Twins, natch). Or, I could give you something of incredible rarity and value, all for the super special low price of….free!

That’s right, my peeps, I present you with old Houston Oilers songs. Now, the quality is teh suck, for which I apologize. I acquired all of these 45s in person at Oilers games in the 70s and 80s, and I still have the records. I used a 1960s record player to rip these to mp3, though I am working on borrowing some updated equipment to re-rip, but it might be some time (and I’ll rip them to flac).

I love my readers.

Enjoy!

Oiler Cannonball - Carl Mauck
I’m Sorry Blue - Debbie Reeves
Super Bowl Itch - Kenny Burroughs
Big Bad Earl - Tom Cantrell
and, of course, Houston Oilers #1 - Lee Ofman

Also, since I know that the Chron will be here shortly to steal these and post them there, taking full credit: you suck, and your entire operation sucks. Fuck you.

{Hugs},

bfd

PS: Though the site isn’t fully ready for prime time just yet, several old Houston Astros rips will be posted to our new baseball site Warning Track Power. We’ll have an official announcement a bit later about this new endeavor.

Rotoworld is reporting that C Steve McKinney, an original Texan, has been cut.

From a purely business point-of-view, the news isn’t a surprise. Between his knee injury last year and the smorgasbord of centers we have signed or traded for in the off-season, the message was there.

Still, the ex-Aggie workhorse (that’s for you, beef. I love you, man!) put a lot of effort into the team over his years. In fact, before his injury in 2007, he was having an excellent season, and the running game suffered noticeably after his injury.

McKinney has said he’d like to return at a reduced cost, and he may, but he’ll still have a ton of competition to stick on the active roster.

I won’t make this his official Texans obit, but the time is probably nigh. Thanks for all the work and good luck, Steve.

Note: So, the hosting provider had a bit of a hurl this afternoon, so this is waaaaay late getting posted. Still, I wrote the damn thing, so it’s going up.

Oh, and I hope the title reference is obvious enough.

Pancakes, my new enemy #1, has posted a somewhat professional article saying the Texans have signed Quinn Gray to back up…well, he ain’t gonna be the #3 QB, I tell you what.

I don’t have a ton of time to go deep with this, but here are the quick hits:

1. Kubiak doesn’t carry a 3rd QB on the active roster.

2. Quinn did not sign to be on the practice squad.

3. As has been mentioned by me previously (too lazy to link, so see the next link), Rosie Rosenfels is on the block.

I think it’s just a matter of time before we see some dominoes start to fall, though I don’t know if it’ll look like my heavenly nirvana (the attendance of virgins may vary). I can say that I am excited about the possibilities, but I’m also not wearing any pants.

Let me end by reminding everyone who reads this blog that Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie is personally responsible for every tax rate hike over the last 50 years.

PS: Chron? Suck. On. This. If it wasn’t personal before, it’s personal now.

*Or, um, “rich old man”-style. Whatever.

Texans owner Bob McNair did a two part interview with Texans TV early last week. It was, as you would expect, fairly general stuff–yes, we’ve turned a corner as a team; yes, it was hard to watch all the injuries last year; yes, it was important to re-sign the Special Teams Ninja; etc.

There was, however, one answer that stuck out.

Brooke Bentley: This year’s draft will be a little different for you because the Texans don’t have a top-10 pick. They will be selecting a player with the 18th selection. What excites you about this year’s draft and which direction do you see the team going with the first-round draft pick?

Bob McNair: Fortunately, there is depth in several positions and depth in several positions where we could use some more help. We’ve had problems with left tackle in the offensive line from day one, as you will recall. We thought we solved that when we picked Tony Boselli. Then, we drafted another young player behind Tony and he didn’t work out and Tony never played one down for us because of his injuries. And the last year with (Charles) Spencer, we thought, “Now, we’ve got the guy in there,” and then I think it was in the second game (of 2006) that he got injured and then he was down. So we have had a real difficult time filling that position. Ephraim (Salaam) did a good job for us last year and he’s going to be back with us, but we need a young player in there that’s going to be with us for a long time.

Hopefully, we’ll find that. If we don’t, there’s some good defensive backs and one of those should be available at the 18th pick. And who knows? Maybe there’s an outstanding running back. If there is somebody special, we would certainly consider that. But I think that Rick and his people have done a good enough job in free agency that we are not really vulnerable or desperate at any one position, so we can pick the best athlete that is available when our turn comes. And if we have the opportunity to trade down and still get the player we want and get an additional pick later, then certainly we always like to do that.

Hmm…I like the reference to possibly trading back. I dislike the idea of taking any DB at 18 whose name doesn’t rhyme with Smodgers-Thromartie. And I am genuinely concerned by the total lack of mention of DE or DT. (Though I suppose it’s possible that Bob is just playing some Texas Hold’Em and not tipping his hand here. Maybe he is just reciting what some of the “experts” are saying while fully planning on going a different direction. Or maybe I am overthinking this.)

OK, fuck it.

I was going to write the following post without naming names and without really calling anyone out for anything. My plan was to complain about blog rumor mongering in general and suggest that, maybe, if we wanted blogs to really be seen as the future of sports journalism, some of us should cite sources and try to hold ourselves to some sort of standard. I was going to be even-handed and I was going to try to keep the entire post somewhat light-hearted.

I was, but now I say fuck that noise. There is some bullshit that needs to be addressed in the Texans-centric blogosphere and I am just the asshole to fire the first shot.

Over at Chron.com–the citadel of irritating stupidity–you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone who thinks s/he is the greatest thing to ever happen to sportswriting. I suppose it was only a matter of time before that inflated sense of self-worth spilled over into the Fanblog run by Thomas Hilton.

When Hilton took over the Fanblog that had been previously run by Steph Stradley, it quickly became nothing more than a link dump. New “posts” were put up every few days consisting almost entirely of “here’s what ESPN said about the Texans” and “here’s what CNN said about the Texans” and “Oh, look at all these Texans pictures I found on GIS.” Any sort of additional analysis or insight was notably absent, meaning that a person who surfed the web could find all the same material elsewhere and not need to read Hilton’s blog. Those were the salad days, my friends.

More recently, however, Hilton has pulled a complete 180. Gone are the link dumps–actually, gone are any links to anything at all. Because, you know, it’s hard to link to something YOU JUST MADE UP.

That’s right–I’m saying that all this shit about “my sources in the NFL” or “my sources with the Texans” is nothing more than blatant, Florio-style rumor mongering. I mean, I might be going out on a limb here, but I find it highly unlikely (read: fucking impossible) that Thomas Hilton is privy to information that has eluded Len Pasquarelli and John Clayton. I find it even less likely (read: really fucking impossible) that someone who lives thousands of miles from Houston and is one of the worst writers in the Texans blogosphere would have contacts within the league and within the team that would willingly tell him things for his blog. And I find it both unlikely and curious that these sources would start offering up information right around the time the season ended and everyone’s attention turned to the rumor mills and the “what if” scenarios.

The funny thing is, if all he did was keep offering up these unfounded rumors (and vociferously defending himself as “not making anything up” in the comments), I would probably never have said anything. I mean, I would have mocked him endlessly to other bloggers, but that’s just sort of how this slightly-incestuous club rolls. No, the last straw (as it were) for me was the fact that, over the last few months, Hilton himself has gone from “unassuming blogger who realizes how fortunate he is to have his forum” to “conceited shithead who thinks he is some kind of blog rockstar.” The former version of TH was tolerable; the latter version needs to be kicked down a few pegs.

As such, allow me to thoroughly fisk his response to a reader who asked why he was so “nice” to the people who talked shit in his comments.

Uncle Jack,
I am more than capable of standing my ground and berating someone.

Congratulations.

However, I don’t really see the need to argue and do that with posters whom I have never met before and they have never met me.

Two sentences in and we already have our first instance of ridiculously bad grammar. Sadly, I don’t even think that is a new record.

It’s easier to start arguing or putting someone down when the person you are doing the berating to probably will never come in contact with the person acting like an A-hole.

Guh? So, ignoring your tortured use of the second and third person, you are saying it is easier to ridicule someone you’ll never meet? This is probably true. Of course, if someone really needs to be ridiculed–more on that theory in a bit–then whether you will ever meet that person should be irrelevant.

You see, I am not worried about my own pride being crushed because I didn’t retaliate. I am not intimidated by anyone.

Translation: I’m too much of a pussy to really lay into someone when they point out that I write like a dimwitted ten-year-old, so I am going to pretend like I am taking the moral high road. These mean commenters don’t intimidate me! I am a big deal around here! I GO TO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL!!!! I HAVE MANY LEATHER-BOUND BOOKS AND MY APARTMENT SMELLS OF RICH MAHOGANY!!!!

I view all of us as equals.

Two things: 1. No, you don’t. You like to think you are somehow superior to others because you go to Penn. Hell, you mention your school almost as much as you mention the Texans. 2. If you do view all of us as equals with respect to blogging and commenting, then you are a delusional little shit. Some blogs are better than others (note: yours is not better than any others) and some commenters are better than others. We are not all equals in this enterprise.

Usually folks that scream and argue with one another is good at times, because at least it’s communication.

Your Ph.D. is not in English, is it?

The other side of it is some folks like to argue and shout and scream because they are either very unsophisticated, low-brow, or they have very low self-esteems.

Yes, the people who like to argue on the internet do so because daddy didn’t love them enough as a child. Or–and I’m just spitballing here–maybe it’s because they disagree with what you’ve written and the fact that you come across both as a liar and smug asshole makes the commenter a little indignant.

This is what a lot of people (but nobody on this blog) don’t understand.

A lot of people don’t understand your overarching sociological theory about why some people argue on the internet? Well, please enlighten us, George Herbert Mead.

As a civilized society (humans), we all were born with this mechanism in our brains that is utilized for “constraint”.

Flaw #1: All humans are arguably born with this, but not all humans are part of a civilized society. Even tribal peoples who would not fall under any definition of civilized are, in theory, born with the same sort of internal restraint. Also, I am reasonably sure Liston and Shake were both born without such mechanisms.

It keeps us humans and our society civilized so that we don’t act on every impulse or desire that pops into our heads.

Pardon me, but what the shit does this have to do with people arguing on the internet? If we are all born with this mechanism–as you suggest we are–then the fact that people are arguing on the internet must stem from something else. I really fail to see where you are going with this, but, then, I didn’t go to Penn.

If we all acted on every impulse, it would be utter chaos and we would see the fall of our own society collapse.

“[T]he fall of our own society collapse?” The fuck does that even mean? Pull back on the hyperbole throttle, take a deep breath, figure out where you are going with this, and fucking proofread from time to time.

The reason I don’t yell back, is because I don’t need to.

And, also, because yelling at your computer doesn’t accomplish much. Also, see this primer on comma usage.

I don’t have to act like I know everything, because I don’t (not even close).

No shit.

The constant bickering and arguing on who is right and who is wrong is silly, if you sit back and actually listen to it.

Ah, yes…arguing two sides of a debate is silly. Why the hell would people want to argue a topical as trivial as sports? Don’t people appreciate that you go to Penn and, therefore, have all the insight? They should just allow you to inform them and not try to argue counter-points.

That’s kind of childish. I don’t mind debating and disagreeing on the topic at-hand, but I expect it to be done in a respectful manner for everyone on here.

So, wait. “Arguing” is bad but “debating and disagreeing” is ok? And the only difference between the two is whether you think the people involved are being respectful? That’s fucking gay. Yes, ideally you will get high discourse between two informed, civil parties and those parties will reach a mutually-agreeable conclusion. In reality, however, that shit doesn’t happen. People get worked up about sports, they get angry because they care about their team, and that anger spills out into posts from time to time.

You’ve been on this blog as an original member of this forum. Remember a year ago when I started to take over this blog and everyone on here asked why I was so polite to the negative people who took shots at me.

This should have a question mark.

I said at that time that I am a nice and polite person by nature, but I also pick my battles.

Oh my god, that’s Thomas Hilton’s music!!!!! I feel a battle coming on!

We’ll I guess the chickens have come home to roost.

All that cool shit I just said? Yeah, you ruined it with the chicken reference.

I have a list of everyone that has either shot insults at me or other readers on here or who have constantly corrected me on my grammar.

I let all of that go last year because we were just getting this blog jump-started.

How noble. Of course, you took the blog over from Steph and promptly made it shitty, but that was all part of the “jump start” strategy, I guess.

Today, we have a massive following and since I have been doing this for just over a year, I have reached almost 400,000+ visits for a 12 month span. That calculates to almost 30,000+ visits each month and 10,000+ visits each week and 1700-2000+ visits per day to our blog.

This might be the most irritating part of your entire, rambling, semi-coherent missive. You throw those numbers out there like they are a reflection of your ability or the quality of your blog, ignoring the fact that you have the only fan blog on the only website for the only daily paper in the fourth-largest city in America. If you were NOT on the Chron, you’d be lucky to crack 2000 hits a month with the way you write and the ignorant shit you post. I said it earlier, but it bears repeating–you have THE WORST TEXANS BLOG IN EXISTENCE. And it’s not even a particularly close contest.

Does that sound like sour grapes? I suppose, to a certain extent, it is. The fact that you can consistently churn out drivel and still get more hits than all the other Texans blogs combined is pretty fucking insulting. Yet, instead of realizing how fortunate you are, you are trying to get high and mighty and start laying down the law to people. Fuck that.

This could not have been possible without all of you readers doing your parts by coming in here and just either wanting some information, updates or you may have a good idea that you want to share with the rest of us.

Honestly, is writing not a pre-requisite to get into Penn?

My readers truly are the most knowledgeable and respectful people I have ever been a part of.

Correction: The readers who keep sucking your ass and telling you that you are doing great are the the knowledgeable and respectful ones. The ones who dare to argue with you are mindless assholes.

Now that we have grown so big, the people that ever put me down for trying to do my best, these people will be “officially” banned form this blog from now on.

Awesome. Now that you have “grown so big,” as if you had any fucking thing at all to do with that, you are going to ban people who have put you down? Are you ten years old? One of the very best parts of blogging is that the readers serve to let you know when you are slipping and to call you out on bullshit. I don’t think anyone put you down for TRYING to do your best; people put you down because your best seems to include unfounded rumor and mildly retarded sentence structure. That seems like a reasonable reason for putting you down, really.

Full disclosure: I realize that I banned Douchebag Tom. That was not because he was “putting me down,” however. It was because he was a mindless troll who was following me from website to website and was not willing to address any counterpoints I made. I even let his stupidity go on for a while before it became a distraction in the comments to every post. Other than that asseating shitbag, I usually welcome disagreement–the debates in the comments are where I get ideas for future posts and they help me see the light when I am offbase on something. But go ahead and silence anyone who you might find insulting, Adolf. (As for people correcting your grammar, maybe that should tell you something about you and not about the person who is correcting you. Just sayin’.)

It’s not because they disagree with me.

Bullshit.

I am not asking anyone to agree with me, but someone who’s wanting to find every little thing to criticize me about in a disrespectful way will no longer be allowed to post and will be blocked from this blog.

Oh no…whatever will those people do? I am sure the suicide rate in greater Houston will skyrocket.

I could also have them banned from ever posting on any blog on the Chron.com website.

Aren’t you a fucking badass?

It wouldn’t matter if they changed emails and names. We have a tracker of everyone’s ISP address, so there’ no way they can get one past me.

First of all, you mean “IP” address, not ISP address. That you got such a simple thing wrong tells me you probably don’t know dick about internet technology. This suspicion is verified when I see that you have completely ignored the fact that many, many people have dynamic IP addresses. So, unless you are willing to block large chunks of IPs and risk blocking people who are more than willing to suck the golden sunshine from your ass, you will fail at banning any number of people.

Trust me folks, I am not trying to show off or act like some hot-shot.

“…BUT I DO WANT TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT I GO TO PENN AND IT IS A GOOD SCHOOL AND YOU SHOULD ALL JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT I AM DEIGNING TO SHARE MY INSIDER KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU!!!!”

I just feel that since I more than happily do this blog for all of you without any compensation or complaining, I am starting to realize that I don’t deserve to be put down or ridiculed (or any other reader for that matter).

I am literally getting a headache from trying to decipher your sentences.

I sincerely do the very best I can for you all and you all know that if my responses come out as maybe I was defensive, I am and was always the first to apologize and ask what I could do take make it up to that person.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe your “best” isn’t all that great? It’s totally possible. If the Rockets put me at point guard and I got destroyed on every single possession, my claiming to have “done my best” wouldn’t really mean much, would it?

I think for the most part, I feel I am courteous and treat everyone as an equal.

And “I think for the most part,” you offer nothing but made up bullshit and that people are right to call you out on it. Giving people “just wait and see…the media will pick up on it eventually” doesn’t mean shit.

That being said, nobody deserves to be ridiculed for anything they are trying to convey.

Wrong. When you are making up rumors and/or writing in a manner that is only slightly coherent and/or showing a complete lack of football knowledge (not knowing who had signed where, not understanding why certain players are a fit for certain systems, etc.), then you do deserve to be ridiculed for these things if/when you choose to ignore the initial constructive criticism.

With the Texans finally getting better, our blog is just going to get even bigger. I was glad for this opportunity to start before the Texans got really good. The better they become, the more traffic we will get on here and more discussions will develop. PS. Sorry for the long post, Jack. I just needed to use your post as a springboard to all the readers out there. Thanks, for hanging in there with me and never given up on me! Take care. -TH

Yeah, it sure was nice of them to never “given” up on you. Goddamn.

As I see it, the best part of the team continuing to improve is that, at some point, the people in charge at Chron.com will decide “you know, we are getting a lot more traffic–maybe we should bring in a blogger that doesn’t make Richard Justice look like Ernest Hemingway.”

***

Like I said earlier, I know that some of this will come off as sour grapes. I am totally fine with that. What I am NOT fine with is some assbag getting high and mighty and pretending he is some big success when this blog, BRB, TTG, Houston Diehards, and the like put out better, more insightful content in our collective sleep than TH does at his “best.” That is horseshit.

Consider yourself on notice, fuckwad.

Welcome back, Ndukwe.

NFL sources told FOX 26 Sports [that f]ree agent defensive end N.D. Kalu has agreed to a one-year contract to return to the Houston Texans for a third season.

Last season[,] Kalu played in 15 games for the Texans and had 13 tackles and three quarterback sacks.

He may be old, he may have lost a step or three, and he may be best utilized as a situational pass rusher. That said, unless we wind up snagging a Calais Campbell at pick 18, Kalu is almost certain to contribute. And, while I don’t normally buy into the “sign the old guy as a mentor” move, this might be one of the few cases where it actually makes sense.

Question: If I am driving around at 3AM with a BAC of .13 and, upon stopping at a red light, I lose consciousness with the car still in gear, would you say I have merely “fallen asleep” or would I be “blacked out like a motherfucker”?

Because I am thinking it would be the latter, but this Chron article suggests it is the former. Even better, there are assertions that the whole thing was done with the utmost care. No, seriously.

Richards said Jones was cooperative and seemed remorseful. He was taken into custody and charged with driving while intoxicated. The bail, set at $500, was paid later Sunday morning.

[Jones' attorney, Chip] Lewis said Jones was stopped safely and was wearing his seat belt when officers found him (emphasis added).

Really, Chip? Stopped “safely?”

Building off of BFD’s last post–or, more accurately, one sentence in the italicized post script to that post–I thought I’d cobble together some information on the newest Texan linebacker, Chaun Thompson. Anyway, the Google pointed me to this series of five articles run by CNNSI.com in the weeks leading up to the 2003 NFL Draft.

It seems that CNNSI decided to follow Thompson through the combine and his pro day, telling the story of the “intriguing” prospect from little-known (in football terms) West Texas A&M. While Thompson was ultimately a second-round pick by the Cleveland Browns, some of the information in these articles is still illuminating. I think. Or maybe I am just looking for column filler.

A native of Mt. Pleasant, Texas, Chaun is comfortable in the warm weather that embraces the Lone Star State.

****

“I really don’t have a preference,” Thompson said of his eventual NFL destination. “Wherever I have to go is OK with me. I just want to be there. Whoever calls, I’m there.

“My mom doesn’t care, either. She just wants me to keep playing. … I love my mom,” he said. “She’s never had nothing; just hand-me-downs.

“I’m just thinking about the opportunity. My mom says not to blow my money, but I’m going to help my mama.”

****

Thompson — a new-age linebacker, complete with size and speed — went man-to-man last week with his fiercest competitor yet. He asked Faith Boyd’s father for his daughter’s hand in marriage. “And you know he had to give me that fatherly talk,” Thompson added. “‘I love my baby, I never harmed my baby … you better not …’

“I was scared,” he admitted, “because when he said ‘you better not’ he was clinching his fists!

“Then he started crying and went inside. … A few minutes later his wife came out asking, ‘What did you do to my husband?’

“I was nervous,” Thompson said, “because they’d never seen him cry. … The Combine was nothing like asking a dad for his daughter’s hand.”

****

“Then I walked in and bench-pressed 225 [pounds] 29 times. I was pumped about that; others didn’t get as many. Those Division I players are just like me; you’ve got to hit the weight room and work hard.”

Despite his impressive workout — his 29 reps at 225 pounds was tied for most among the 12 inside linebackers who participated in the combine drill — Thompson said he remained in awe of his surroundings.

****

A three-year starter at the Division II school, Thompson finished with 104 tackles as a senior and played well in two all-star games.

“All I want — all I can ask for — is that one chance,” Thompson said. “I’m maybe not the greatest, but one team is going to give me a chance. … I’m not going to ask for $17 million after five years; I’ll take a pay cut to get a championship.”

****

“On Dec. 11, an AFC scout saw Chaun at 223 pounds run a 4.44″ in the 40-yard dash, recalls Griffin. “We sent Chaun to San Diego to work out and then he turns up in Indianapolis at 240 pounds and still had his speed.

“It just goes to show that Chaun is willing to work at all costs for this, his dream. He added 20 pounds, kept his speed and he has 34 1/2-inch arms — all of that is what teams find intriguing.”

Like I said, Thompson wound up playing in Cleveland, where he never missed a game in five seasons. He was a starter at SLB in 2004 and 2005, with that 2005 season being his best effort by far (102 tackles, 9 TFL, 5 sacks, 4 QB pressures, 2 FF, 1 FR). He lost the starting gig in 2006, but remained a solid contributor on special teams. Digging around the internets some more, I can’t come up with any particular reason that he lost his starting spot other than Romeo didn’t like him much. That’s fitting, however, because it appears that many, many Browns fans disliked Thompson because he was a second-round pick. I’ve never really understood Browns fans, though. I mean…you know your actual team is in Baltimore, right? Just sayin’.

Anyway, given the incredibly reasonable deal we gave Chaun (2 years, $4MM, $650K guaranteed) and given that his numbers as a starting SLB are as good as anything we’ve had in recent years and given that he is a Texas boy who wanted to come home to be closer to his family, I have to say that this my be my favorite signing of the offseason. Assuming he wins the starting job, I think it’s reasonable to pencil him in for 5-8 sacks, 75 tackles, 2-3 FF, and other numbers in keeping with that. And that is my reasonable, low-ball estimate, because here is the kicker: When he played his best season in Cleveland, he did not have a DeMeco Ryans lining up beside him, freeing him to go after the QB with reckless abandon; and he did not have a Mario Williams in front of him, eating up double teams and creating nice, large gaps for him to blitz through. Maybe I am just doing my usual self-convincing, but I am actually excited about our linebacking corps right now.

Even if he doesn’t win the starting SLB position, either because Kevin Bentley is way better than I imagine or because Zac Diles makes a seamless transition over there, it’s safe to say that Thompson will be a contributor in 2008. He has (as BFD pointed out) the speed and size to be a situational end, which is good because Anthony Weaver apparently died some time in late 2006. He’s a top-notch special teams player. And he can still get reps in nickel packages and as a backup SLB.

As a bonus, he also makes the spelling of Dunta’s name seem slightly less silly.

Bear with me as this little ride might be a bit bumpy (translation: I’m a senile old coot, just happy to have my apple mush at the end of the day).

So, we know that our heroic Texans are willing to trade Rosie Rosenfels, and we know that we’re really, oh just super interested in re-signing Craig Nall to be Teh Schaub’s backup. We know that a certain team up north is willing to cough up a third round pick for Rosenfels. And we know (jeez, repetitive much?) there are reports the Texans are trying to trade back and flip 1st round picks with the Steelers and pick up a 3rd round pick for the effort (follow the link all the way down just above the comments).

What else do we know? Well, it looks like CB Fabian Washington is on the block. I think it’s fair to say that he has underperformed his expectations. While at Cornhusker U., I thought he would be a star at the next level. However, injuries and inconsistencies - and the occasional wife beating - have insured that his stay in Oakland Los Angeles Oakland Whatever will be short. Better yet, his contract is good for two more years, and it’s about as cheap as can be imagined for a player of his caliber.

With DeAngelo Hall on the cusp of entering Raider-land - a trade almost sure to not end well - the Raiders will have a complete log-jam at CB. But, because the Raiders will have to spend their 2nd and 6th round picks on that special head-case, they’ll be terribly short of picks come draft day. You don’t exactly have to be Travis Johnson to see where I am going with this.

Washington will be cheap to acquire due to the aforementioned injuries, inconsistencies, and his off-field transgressions. Plus, Washington isn’t the perfect player by any means: he’s weak in run support, for example. The Raiders aren’t exactly well-known for doing anything well these days, and with Washington only 25 this season, he has plenty of time to turn things around. Oh, and did I mention that he ran a 4.28 40?

This has “match made in heaven” written all over it. Trade the lowest 3rd round pick (probably the Steelers pick if that deal goes through) for Fabian Washington. Then, give me one part Fabian Washington and one part Ray Rhodes, and we might have a Chris McAllister caliber player at CB. Now, bugger off cuz Matlock is on, and I need to adjust the rabbit ears.

PS: Am I the only person who just really doesn’t like The Mountain Goats? I’m intrigued by “The Big Sleep,” so I got that one with my emusic subscription. Also got Levon Helm and the RCO All Stars, Flogging Molly, and Tinariwen tonight. IOW, my usual genre-cluster-fuck of monthly downloads. Weeeeee!!!!

Edit: Corey Smith re-upped with the Lions, so he’s out. I see this as: 1. another straw we go DE in the 1st round (though not a big, back-breaking straw), and 2. why we brought Chaun Thompson aboard to play the speed rusher role off the end. Yeah, he’s a LB, and he’ll compete for the SAM position with LVJ Bentley and Zach Diles, but Chaun does have the size (close enough) and speed to play that role if necessary. Total speculation, though.

In a sign-and-trade deal, the Broncos signed C Chris Myers and sent him to our hometown Texans for a 6th round pick.

Now, I admit I don’t know a ton about the guy, but the Broncos fans on the link don’t seem overly thrilled with the deal. What I do know is that he didn’t stick out to me when I watched the Broncos played last year, which is normally a good thing when you are an OL. He’s an athletic 6′4″ and 300 lb OL who can play both C and G. If there was a trade that said “Hey, we employ ex-Broncos on our team!”, this is that deal.

Getting this guy with a reasonable salary (4 years, $11MM, $3MM guaranteed), fairly young (27 yo), and supposedly athletic OL for a 6th round pick? Yeah, you can consider this deal to be bfd approved (for the record, my personal seal has an eagle holding a pint glass with one wing, a spicy oyster po-boy with the other, and a big-assed jalapeno with its talons).

(On a personal note, sorry for the communications black-out the last couple of days. I had an extremely sick daughter, who’s doing much better now, and some other family issues come up. It was no spring break, I can tell you.)

Hello, peoples. Travis Johnson here. As the team’s resident expert on St. Patrick’s Day, I wanted to share some of my learnin’ with y’all. I live to edumacate the masses.

First, you are probably wondering why I am the team’s expert, seeing as how I don’t exactly look Irish. That shit is RACIST, dawg. My great-great grandfather, Seamus McJohnson, came over on, like, a boat and shit. What, you didn’t know that there were black Irishmen? And y’all think I am dumb. Sheeeeeiiiiiiit.

Anyway, the point is I know a lot about St. Patrick’s Day and I am going to spit some of that knowledge your way.

Now, St. Patrick was this dude who lived in Ireland, like, WAY back. Like before Christopher Columbo even found Texas. His real name was Maewyn, which is really gay, so he just started going by Patrick. When he was, like, 16, he was kidnapped by some other Irish dudes and sold into slavery. I think he had to pick potatoes and shit. He escaped from the kidnappers and ran away to France, which was called “Gaul” back then because French people is stupid.

While he was in France, Patrick studied Christianity from…um…Jesus and he was all like “Yo, dude, this Bible shit is tight. I’m gonna go back to Ireland and tell my whole posse about it. Thanks French Jesus!”

Patrick drove back to Ireland and started telling all his boys about Christianity. He was straight spittin’ the Word to anyone who would listen. This made a rival gang, the Celtic Druids, mad. They snatched him up a bunch of times, but Patrick kept escapin’ like the motherfuckin’ birdman. Caw, bitches.

Peoples axe me all the time, “Travis, why do we have some of the St. Patrick’s traditions like parades and corned beef and shamrocks and shit?” Simple, my friends…those are all things that Patrick liked. Parades? Patrick used to round up his posse and C-walk through the streets, talking about “Jesus saves, bitch! Northside Jesus, what?!” This pissed the Celtic Druids off like whoa, but Patrick did that shit anyway. Corned beef? Well, a lot of those hoes back in old ass Ireland had the syphillis, but they called it “blarney dick,” and it made your thang look like corned beef. Nowadays, we just eat the corned beef because that shit tastes good as long as you don’t think about dicks. And shamrocks? We all know Patrick liked to fire up a little of that sticky green–who doesn’t?!–and it don’t get stickier or greener than some hydroponic Irish shamrocks. Oooooweeee! That shit is the fire, yo! I ain’t even playin’ with ya…I mean, uh, that’s what I’ve heard. Travis don’t smoke the green no mo’.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, so Patrick did this preachin’ and convertifyin’ in Ireland for, like, 30 years and then he retired. He died on March 17, so that’s why this date was made into a holiday. And that’s the story of St. Patrick’s Day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my “Suck Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt and go suckerpunch some old ladies.

According to various sources (most notably, reader Eric who alerted us to the “rumor” at 11:30am), Jacoby Jones was arrested early this morning for driving while intoxicated.

Of course, the team has no comment until the facts come out. Which means that Gary and Co. will issue a “we’re really disappointed in Jacoby, but he has told us that he’s sorry” statement in a day or two. And that’s fine, I suppose; I mean, if this is the worst thing that our players do all offseason, we’ve gotten off light by today’s NFL standards. And, yes, JJ is only 23 and this is the type of stupid, youthful thing that 23-year-olds do frequently in the real world. I get that.

All that said, however, I would think that a punt returner/4th receiver who had a great preseason and a forgettable regular season (and who already lost half of his special teams duties to the Special Teams Ninja) would do his best to avoid doing anything stupid. I mean, we all love Jacoby (some of us to alarming degrees), but we don’t love him in the same, wouldn’t-trade-him-for-anyone way that we love DeJesus, Mario, and Andre. No, our love for Jones is of the “wow…this kid might just be something someday” variety. That’s not a hard love to forget if it goes unrequited for very long.

No, I am not saying that I am done with Jacoby. He’s not Travis Johnson or anything; I don’t hate him with the hot burning intensity of a thousand suns. I still want to believe the hype and I want him to wind up being great. More importantly, though, I want him to want to be great and to act like he wants to be great. Shape up, kid.

God, I feel old.

Dear Homo,

When you lost your job first to a 44-year-old QB and then to an undrafted rookie, I assumed we were done hearing from you. I mean, any QB with any fucking sense would just go away, but I suppose “any fucking sense” is giving you way too much credit. After all, if you’d had any fucking sense, you wouldn’t have spent half a decade scrambling into opposing rushers and working “Fetal Position Blue on 3″ into the playbook, right?

What I don’t get, though, is why you feel the need to continue saying shit that makes you seem borderline retarded. Because, really, it seems like every time you get a change of scenery, you say some kind of ignorant-ass thing that makes it seem like YOU are not the cause of your own problems. Which we both know is a goddamned lie.

Here…allow me to refresh your memory. When you got signed by Carolina [Author's note: Scoreboard, bitch.], you remarked:

As far as the talent on this team, it’s something I haven’t been around. It’s fun for me, just coming out here and playing with a group, both offensively and defensively, that has (so) much skill. […] If you’re not having fun, it’s going to be like what I had the last couple of years where you almost don’t even want to come to work.

How’d all that “talent” and “skill” work out for you, cockmouth? Oh…wait…that’s right.

Anyway, like I said, I thought we were officially done with you after you lost your job twice and posted a stellar 58.3 rating. At worst, I assumed you’d sign somewhere and quietly collect a paycheck from the sidelines, lest ye really make an ass of yourself. “No way,” I thought, “will he try to claim that his failures were due to BOTH of his teams not being good.”

I guess I underestimated your competitiveness douchebaggedness. How else do you explain this:

I have a lot of calluses, Carr said. I’m like an old carpenter[;] I’ve been through it. If you let that stuff affect you, you’re not going to be able to do your job. One of the reasons I’m excited about coming here is they protect the quarterback well and they have playmakers on the outside.

“Playmakers,” huh? Seriously? Have you taken so many dicks to the throat hits to the skull that you’ve forgotten about Andre Johnson catching 103 balls in 2006 and generally keeping you from looking even worse than you already did? Or about Steve Smith having success with every QB in Carolina last year except for you? Or abou– Hold up! Are you really saying that Plaxico Burress is better than Andre Johnson and Steve Smith? Fuck you, dude.

I know you are probably thinking this is just sour grapes on my part. That’s what asshole losers like you tend to claim when someone points out what an asshole loser you are. But it’s not sour grapes–we are well past that point. No, this is a genuine, unfettered missive of hatred. I went from just being glad you were gone to enjoying watching you fail to sincerely hating you with every fiber of my being, all in less than a year. I only take solace in the fact that pretty much everyone other than you, your wife, and your dad realize how much you fucking suck and, therefore, no one takes your comments to be much more than the insipid drivel they are.

I’ve got $10 that says you don’t see the field next year.

Yours in Christ,
Matt

P.S. I hope you have to watch your mother get sodomized by a pit bull. Twice.

So, what I want to know is, do you crush Chris Taylor and snort him? Or do you roll him and smoke him? Just curious.

Pancakes has a column up discussing his take on why the Texans won’t draft a RB in the first round. If you can get around the poor grammar and writing style (”really high?”), it’s basically because of Alex Gibbs and Chris Taylor. You know, thinking about the column, this is about the highest level of technical football I’ve seen him write. Then, of course, he spends most of the column self-fluffing. OK, enough bashing.

That the coaching staff is “really high” on Taylor isn’t really new news unto itself. They have been for a while, and Kubiak specifically wanted Taylor. I believe a healthy Taylor is why “Three Pies and a Cloud of Meringue” Dayne has not been re-signed (obviously a drastic blow to the Houston area House of Pies franchise). However, Taylor’s 4.54 40-yard isn’t exactly top-of-the-line, and that’s before his reconstructive knee surgery.

Pancakes also mentions a LT, but unless one of the more elite prospects amazingly slides to us, I don’t think Kubes takes a LT in the first round.

That said, and with another influence from Matt’s post yesterday, my current hypothesis is that we go DE in Round 1, RB/CB/LT in Round 3, CB/LT/RB in Round 4, and DT in the 5th (assuming we don’t trade up or down in the first). The Texans may be getting really stoned on Chris Taylor, but he’s not the long-term answer here, and I still think we take a RB on the earlier side.

In other self-fluffing news (if I could, I’d never leave the house), I just started reading _God Save the Fan_ by Deadspin’s Will Leitch. Already an entertaining read, and it’s yet another reason why I think our best “news” and information is coming from the blogosphere these days.

Edit: Matt mentions the possibility of taking Aqib Talib in the first, which is obviously a possibility, as well.

It is not much of an exaggeration to say that I have seen Pulp Fiction at least 500 times. My freshman-year roommate had a copy (VHS, baby!) stolen from Blockbuster, which we watched almost daily for that entire year, and I’ve continued to watch it more frequently than any other movie over the past decade. I am reasonably sure this says something about me, but I’m not sure what it is.¹

Anyway…I mention this as background because, by this point, you’d think nothing could surprise me in that film. You’d be wrong.

So, here’s the deal. When the guy who looks somewhat like Jerry Seinfeld comes out of the bathroom and shoots at Vince and Jules, why in the hell did he have that gun in the bathroom with him in the first place?

Hear me out–clearly, Brett and “Flock of Seagulls” were not expecting Marsellus’ guys to show up at that instant, as they were enjoying Big Kahuna Burgers² and just otherwise chilling. Seagulls was lying on the couch and, one assumes, did not have a gun within easy reach. Brett, likewise, was seemingly unarmed. The look of terror on both of their faces suggests that, had they been expecting a visit from Jules and Vince, they would certainly have been armed and ready to shoot for their lives. I mean, Brett seems to know from the moment Marvin opens the door that he is probably going to die. If you had ripped off a crime kingpin and were expecting hitmen to show up and kill you, would you be more likely to sit and eat burgers or arm yourself and prepare to shoot back?

Besides, on top of the surprise factor, you have the size of the gun. It was, as Vincent pointed out, “a goddamned hand cannon.” Such a gun is not the type that someone would have cavalierly tucked in his waistband, nor was he wearing a holster. So basically, logic dictates that he either picked up the gun and carried into the bathroom or the gun was already in the bathroom. Neither of these situations really makes sense to me. On the one hand, if Brett and Seagulls were not expecting Vince and Jules to arrive, there’s no reason to think Guy in Bathroom would have suspected it enough to carry a large handgun into the crapper. Likewise, I can see no reason why that gun would already be in the bathroom considering the people out in the living room did not have guns within easy reach.

By now, you are probably thinking “what the hell does this have to do with football?” Simple: I had been blindly accepting the situation as it was presented to me, when I should have been considering the context. Because, once you consider the context, some things that seem to make sense really don’t.³

Which brings me (finally) to the draft.

Over the past days and weeks, many people have come to grips with the idea that the Texans are probably taking a CB with the 18th pick in the draft. On the surface, where you have an injured Dunta Robinson; a horrid Petey Faggins; a possibly-horrid Jacques Reeves; and are relying on a second-year corner and a veteran sex machine safety, it would seem logically sound to take a corner and hope to improve your atrocious secondary. It would seem that way until you really consider the context.

Right now, you can easily claim that our holes on defense are NT, DE2, CB2, SLB, and (possibly) SS. Of those holes, CB2 is the one where we have already spent the most cap space this offseason, albeit on a guy who might not be able to cover me for 4 seconds. Does it make sense to use your draft pick on a guy who play the same position as the guy you just overpaid for?

But that’s not even the biggest issue.

The fact is, a great defensive line can make a suspect secondary look average to good for multiple games in a season. A fantastic secondary can make an average D-line look good a couple times per game. Partly, this is because of the nature of the rules that allow WRs to play virtually untouched. But it is also due in no small part to the logistics of what the positions are asked to do. Your defensive line exists to get to the QB (or RB), correct? Well, they know where the QB is going to be once the ball is snapped. Defensive backs, on the other hand, are asked to cover someone with no clue as to where he is going or what path he will take to get there. This means that even the best CBs are going to get beat on a long enough timeline. SO–and I know you see where I am going with this–you can improve your secondary just as much by drastically shortening the length of time you ask them to cover as by upgrading your cornerbacks.

Hell, this year’s Super Bowl Champion New York Giants are an embodiment of this principle. Their monster defensive line was able to consistently get pressure on opposing QBs. Because of this, the Giants were able to survive with subpar linebackers (Pierce is a good player, but his main strength is in leadership and getting the D set correctly; Mitchell is a smart player and a sure tackler but is nothing special; and Torbor is notably below average, but tough) and an average defensive backfield. Corey Webster looks like he turned it around, but he still isn’t very good yet. Aaron Ross looked very good for a rookie, but Gibril Wilson is at best good (in terms of skills he’s probably comparable to a healthy Will Demps, maybe very slightly better) and James Butler more or less stinks.

Yet, despite having a back seven that was basically average, the Giants defense looked absolutely dominant at times–including against the Patriots–because they were able to get after opposing QBs on a regular basis. This is not a novel concept, really. And, given the choice, I would almost always rather go into a season with three great defensive lineman than with 2 great defensive linemen and a great DB. And, hell, with Ryans and Greenwood behind a line similar to the Giants, even Petey Faggins would seem decent at cornerback.

*Pauses to consider the implications of that last sentence. Shudders.*

WHICH (finally) brings me to my bigger point. Namely that, if we are drafting defense in the first round or third round, we should be looking for a defensive tackle or a speedy defensive end or–shockingly–both. I mean, clearly someone in Texans management thought that Reeves could play or else they wouldn’t have signed him. You want to make that signing make sense? Then put together a front four that can limit how long he has to cover. The kid has fantastic speed, but his instincts and coverage skills are not all that amazing. Ask him to cover for 2.5 seconds instead of 4.5 and his speed/quickness should be able to overcome his technique/skills. Unless, that is, someone thought it prudent to give $8MM guaranteed for a nickel corner. Which I choose to believe no one in our front office is stupid enough to do.

[Author's note: I realize that some of this--ok, fine, much of this--is a rehashing of the philosophy I've been espousing since the end of the season. I was pushing for a NT at that time and, for the most part, my position hasn't changed. I have only amended it to say that I would be nearly as happy with a solid DE and that the only CB I would be willing to change my opinion for would be the mutant Rodgers-Cromartie.]

Who, then, should we be looking at? I’m glad you asked. Two names that immediately jump out to me are Brian Johnston and Kentwan Balmer.

Last one first, let’s take a look at Balmer, since most of you have probably heard of him. A 6-5, 308 DT out of UNC, Balmer posted 59 tackles (33 solos), including 3.5 sacks, 9.5 TFL, and four quarterback pressures. Balmer was solid against the run in general, allowing 1.69 yards/carry on his 55 running stops. The one knock I would have against him is that he is about 15 lbs lighter (minimum) than I would like out of my NT, but that is countered by the fact that he is strong (33 reps) and explosive (29 in. vertical jump). Even better for our purposes, Balmer is currently projected to go in the late first/early second, meaning he should be available at 18. Speaking of that 18th pick, I think even if most teams have Balmer slotted at 25-30, we should be willing to reach a little if we find a guy we really want because of the lack of a second rounder.

The other guy I mentioned, Brian Johnston, might be unfamiliar to many of you. That’s what happens when you go to Gardner-Webb and don’t get a combine invite. Of course, after reading about his tryout in front of some NFL scouts, maybe he should have been invited.

Measuring in at 6-foot-5, 274 pounds, Johnston ran his first 40-yard dash in 4.66 seconds. Johnston’s 40-yard dash time would have been the fourth best at the NFL combine for defensive ends, and the best for any lineman weighing more than 260 pounds.

Johnston’s most impressive stat from the 40-yard dash came with a very strong 1.51-second time through the first 10 yards, an important time with regards to a players quickness. By comparison, Johnston’s 10-yard split was the same as Arkansas’ running back Darren McFadden turned in at the Combine earlier this year.

The most impressive result overall, however, may have been Johnston’s time in the 20-yard shuttle. He turned in a 4.18-second time, which is better than any lineman at the NFL’s Scouting Combine. In fact, the 4.18-second time was faster than any running back at the event - with Illinois’ Rashard Mendenhall the only back to match that time.

So, yeah…I’d say he fits the definition of a speed-rushing DE. Now, I know some of you are likely saying “ACK! Workout warrior from a small school! Babin! BABIN!!!” That’s fair. But let’s not forget that Babin was a college 4-3 DE drafted to play OLB in an NFL 3-4. Going forward was never a problem for him; it was sideline to sideline and dropping into TE coverage that killed him. In Johnston’s case, you would be drafting a college 4-3 DE speed-rusher to play NFL 4-3 DE speed-rusher. And, because Mario and Okoye occupy the extra blockers, he’d be going one-on-one with o-linemen most of the time. That’s always nice when you are lightning-fast.

ANYWAY, I am just spitballing here. If the word around the campfire is to be believed, we will take someone like Aqib Talib at 18 and then a RB in the third. And I’ll deal with it, even if I don’t think it is the right approach. And, hell, maybe I get kinda lucky and we take Talib (or whomever) in the first but still snag Johnston in the third. Regardless, until Draft Day, I am just going to keep doing my best to shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness.⁴

¹ That’s not entirely true. I think it says that I liked the movie when it was (a) popular, (b) cliched, (c) ironic, and (d) suggestive that I am getting old.

² That IS a tasty burger!

³ On the flip-side, some things that seem utterly inexplicable–say, the selection of Mario Williams over Reggie Bush–make perfect sense once you consider the context. While some things–say, the popularity of Mambo No. 5–remain inexplicable regardless of how much you ponder them.

⁴ And to not shoot Marvin in the face.

This post is about four hours late this morning. Doesn’t my employer know that work time is blog time? DAMMIT! Anyway, work sucks today, so sorry for the delay.

The big news of the morning is, of course, that the New York Giants loves them some Mr. Mittens. The mere fact that the Giants want to keep Mittens in the news is proof that *the God of your choice* loves us and wants us to drink more rubbing alcohol beer! The danger is that Mittens actually beats the monstrous Jared Lorenzen (that’s Shake on the left), and Jared simply pops Carr into his mouth like the worm from a bad bottle of Mezcal. Obviously, our nation would grieve for days after the loss of someone of Mittens’ stature, but I don’t think Mittens has much of a chance of winning the backup job. (original link courtesy from profootballtalk.com)

If that isn’t enough to make you swoon, then how about signing Pacman Jones (again from PFT):

If Titans CB Pacman Jones is reinstated and traded to another team, the new team would be on the hook for base salaries of $1.29 million in 2008, $1.74 million in 2009, and $2.19 million in 2010.

Yeah, I am willing to take a chance with salaries like that, especially in lieu of our signing Petey Faggins, Jr. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that parts of the Texans nation are developing a nice little man-crush on Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (ADF, Matt, me, I’m looking at you). Sadly, I don’t think he’ll be there for #18, and it looks like the Ravens are zeroing in on Leodis McKelvin with their pick.

I’m neither inherently a risk-taker, nor am I risk averse. I am, however, optimistic that things would work for Pacman in Houston, but I’ve got nothing to base that on other than my formidable gut.

Finally, and a little off-topic, but it looks like the Stros’ Kaz Matsui has a little pain in the ass. This is ironic, of course, because watching him play this year will cause pain to all our asses.

Crap. Back to work. “Clean your windshield, sir?”

I hate “spring ahead.” I am so freaking tired this morning.

I hate my “real” job. It keeps me from posting on blogs and stuff. Dammit.

I hate Bud Adams. I mean, I really fucking hate Bud Adams. Jake Scott signed with the Tennessee Babyeating-Sisterfuckers.

On a happier note, Dunta is feeling good about things (h/t to Eric for the link). But, let me caution: the worst person to speculate about their return is the player. It’s great to be positive and everything, but look how cautious the trainer, Tom Colt, is being. Plus, we don’t know how far back Dunta will return. It’s nice to see him so positive and hopeful, at least.