DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty.

Mar 8, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?, You're the Man Now Dog

Will Demps singing to himself) …don’t you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me…don’tchu dont’chu?…

(cell phone rings) Hello?

Will Demps’ Agent: Will?!

Demps: Yeah, whassup dawg?

Agent: I can’t hear you! Can you turn down the radio?

Demps: WHAT?!

Agent: TURN! DOWN! THE! RADIO!

Demps: Oh, ok. Hold on. (turns down radio) What’s up, man? You got Will Demps signed anywhere?

Agent: Well…sorta.

Demps: What the hell do “sorta” mean? Am I signed or not? Will Demps needs to start working the print advertisers in my new city.

Agent: Well…it…um…seems…that, well, the only people who wanted to sign you for much of anything were the Texans. No one was really interested in a guy who had three-fourths of a good season.

Demps: Oh, that is SO gay!

Agent: (mumbling) You’d know.

Demps: What?

Agent: Nothing. Anyway…there’s something else I need to tell you.

Demps: Whazzat?

Agent: Well, it seems that the Texans also signed Kevin Bentley.

Demps: What the fuck is a Kevin Bentley? Is that a car? Will Demps loves him a fine automobile.

Agent: No, it’s another player.

Demps: What the fuck does Will Demps care about another player. Will Demps only cares about his pretty, pretty self.

Agent: Well…uh…it’s just that Bentley is sort of–

Demps: Will Demps does not have time for this idle chit-chat! (hangs up phone)

[Five hours later, at Zeppelin]

Demps: (entering the club) Will Demps in the HOUSE, ladies! Whassup?! Will Demps, bitches! Will Demps! Who wants to buy Will Demps a drink?!

(gets no response from the ladies) What the fuck? Bitches, I said ‘Will Demps!’ (to random girl) Hey, baby…as sexy as you is, you wanna get down with some Will Demps?

Random Girl: Puh-lease. You know who is here? Kevin Bentley. You ain’t no motherfuckin’ Kevin Bentley, either. Busted ass motherfucker. (walks toward back of club where a throng of women surround Kevin Bentley.)

Bentley: …so, yes, football is my job but Bikram yoga is my passion. (lifting shirt) I think you ladies will agree that it has done wonders for my abs.

(collective swoon by the ladies)

Demps: (shoving to the front of the crowd) Yo, yo, yo…what the FUCK is this? Who the FUCK are you? Oh, damn…nice abs, brotha. (offers handshake) Will Demps, strong safety for the Houston Texans. But you probably already knew that.

Bentley: Actually, I was utterly unaware as to your identity. This is fortuitous, however, as it appears you and I are now colleagues. My name is Kevin Bentley and I, too, am employed by the NFL team located here in the Bayou City.

Demps: Please, Will Demps has no “colleagues.” Will Demps is in a class by himself. Will Demps not only plays football; Will Demps is also a high-sought-after male model. (whips out 8×10 glossy)

Will Demps is a beautiful, beautiful man. Here, let Will Demps autograph this for you.

Bentley: That’s not necessary, my good man. I am also a male model. In fact, during my tenure both at my beloved Northwestern University as well as throughout my NFL career, I have done several print ads. I am told that my combination of good looks, fantastic physique, and high intelligence make me one of the more desirable models in professional sports. Perhaps you saw this picture of me from a few years ago?

Demps: No, Will Demps did not see that picture. Well, let Will Demps tell you something, Kevin. Will Demps is the man in Houston and the man in the lockerroom. You best stay out of my–I mean, out of Will Demps’–way. If you know what’s good for you, that is. You don’t want to have to go up against Will Demps.

Bentley: I’m sorry to hear you say such things, William. You see, I hear words like “beauty” and “handsomness” and “incredibly chiseled features” and for me that’s like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of. I like to let my body of work speak for me, but not define who I am. (bats eyelashes at ladies) I feel like this enlightenment makes me a much better person…and a much better lover.

Demps: (unzipping pants, to ladies) Yeah, well Will Demps believes this fifteen inches of black, throbbing Jesus makes Will Demps a better lover.

Bentley: (unzipping pants, to ladies) Interesting. But I think you ladies will find my seventeen inches of spiritual awakening even more impressive. (to Demps) It seems, dear William, that the irony of this is that your own ego forced you into a competition that you cannot win–which is to say, your own ego has caused itself to be hurt by the very things that drive your ego in the first place.

Demps: (in tears) GodDAMNit, this isn’t fair! It’s not fair! I am the pretty one! This isn’t over…you…big…meany-head!!! (runs away)

Bentley: What an odd fellow. (to ladies) So, which one of you fine Texas hoes wants to get on your knees and kiss President Lyndon Veins Johnson?