DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Indecent Proposal

Mar 28, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Gary Kubiak, Inanity, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Tempting Fate, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Houston Texans lockerroom, 9:35 pm

Will Demps: (singing to himself) It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl / Christmas…dick in a box / Hannukah…dick in a box / Kwanzaa…dick in a box / Every single holiday, a dick in a box / Over at your parents house, a dick in a box / Mid-day at the grocery store, a dick in a box…

Kevin Bentley: Hello, William.

Demps: Whoa! Will Demps didn’t see you there! Why are you sitting in here with no music on? (turns Justin Timberlake CD on) I’m bringin’ sexy back…

Bentley: I was conjugating irregular Latin verbs from memory, William.

Demps: Conju-what?

Bentley: You know, “sum, erum, ero…” You have no idea what I am talking about do you?

Demps: Will Demps caught his reflection in the mirror and totally stopped listening to you.

Bentley: Anyway, William, much like our last encounter, it is fortuitous that I have again encountered you.

Demps: Speak English, motherfucker. Will Demps doesn’t speak uppity college jibber-jabber.

Bentley: (sighing) Cretin. Like I was saying, it’s good that you are here. Let me preface this by asking a question–you consider yourself quite the ladies’ man, don’t you?

Demps: Does a bear shit in the woods? Will Demps has been in more bush than Crocodile Dundee. Will Demps has plowed more fur fields than John Deere. Will Demps has bon–

Bentley: Christ, I get it! OK, that said, I think you realize that there can be only one, William.

Demps: What kind of Highlander shit are you talking about?

Bentley: This lockerroom–nay, this TOWN–is not big enough for both of us. There are only so many fine young females to go around, you know. So I have come up with a solution…if you have the courage for it.

Demps: Motherfucker, Will Demps has all the courage in the world. Will Demps once let a hungry fat girl go down on him; you have any idea what kind of courage THAT takes?!?

Bentley: Glad to hear it. Here’s the deal–a Contest of Sexual Conquest. Except, rather than sheer numbers, there is only one lady who matters. Bed this prize and you win; I’ll ask to be released so that I can go finish the Great American Novel. But, if I win, you must leave Houston and never return.

Demps: Shiiiiiiiit, holmes. Will Demps has never met some red snapper he couldn’t filet with a quickness.

Bentley: Is that a yes? I rarely have any clue as to what you are saying.

Demps: Fuck yes, it’s a yes. Wait…who’s the Golden Vag?

Bentley: Rhonda.

Demps: Rhonda? Rhonda who, Will Demps don’t kno–WAIT! You mean Rhonda KUBIAK?!?!

Bentley: Indeed, young William. Indeed. You see, I have found that the only prizes worth chasing are the ones that require the most risk. Much like how, once a man has killed another man, mere hunting of dumb animals never satisfies his blood lust again.

Demps: (looking confused)

Bentley: (exasperated) Yes. Rhonda Kubiak. Bed her and you win.

Demps: Will Demps is not so sure this is a great idea…but Will Demps loves him a challenge. Let’s do this. May the best man win.

Bentley: Oh, I shall, William. I shall.

TO BE CONTINUED…