DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

I rarely do the whole “link to another story” post, but this is an exception.  Check out SOLIS’ post on Xavier Adibi over at BRB.  And then allow me to reiterate that he is, by far, my favorite player we took in this draft.

I love to quote myself as an authority in later conversations. It really disorients the listener and, if you are engaged in a debate of some sort, bolsters your own cred and you current argument at the same time. It works in pretty much any discussion.

“Man, Pacino is a much better actor than DeNiro.” “Actually, as I noted just two weeks ago, DeNiro’s range makes him a much better actor than Pacino.”

“I love creamy peanut butter.” “Interesting, but are you aware that I stated over a year ago that crunchy peanut butter is the bee’s knees?”

“You suck.” “Have you considered my findings of 4/12/06 that you are a shiteating cockrag?”

Anyway, with that in mind, I won’t be grading this year’s draft in any sort of conventional sense. Because, as I said in this blog’s inaugural post,

Speaking of “grading” the drafts, let me just say that I find the whole process asinine. The two most important things in a draft should be (a) filling needs and (b) taking the best available player to fill those needs (with an eye on not drafting a player too early). Unfortunately, most people seem to grade the draft by guessing what the drafted players will do in the NFL. Teams that get the Can’t Miss players automatically “score” higher. But, for every Reggie Bush, there are multiple Can’t Miss guys like Robert Gallery, Charles Rogers, and Joey Harrington. Even more to the point, there are plenty of guys in this and every draft taken after the first round or two who will become stars. So, when Kiper says that the Raiders did well because they got a “franchise QB” in JaMarcus Russell, he’s talking out of his ass. Which probably also has fantastically groomed hair.

I stand by that; grading a draft is stupid because it assumes you know what players are going to do. Or you are simply giving the best grades to the teams who got more of the players you rated highly beforehand, which is also stupid. So, aside from my esteemed co-blogger, who I would totally make out with if we weren’t both straight guys, anyone who grades a draft can go die in a fire.

What I will do, however, is offer a completely biased, utterly unscientific ranking of the players into categories of my own choosing. This is not a draft grade, it’s an arms race, ho. Or something like that.

Player Whose Selection I Absolutely Love:

Xavier Adibi–Well before people started declaring for the draft, Adibi was on my shortlist of LBs possibly coming out (along with Laurinitis and Beckwith). I even watched four VaTech games solely to keep an eye on him. So, yeah, you could say I am thrilled about this pick. He has insane lateral speed, a great nose for the ball, and I don’t think I ever saw him give up on a play. Plus, he knocks the shit out of people, seemingly just for fun sometimes. I dare say that, if he becomes the player I think he will, a trio of Adibi, Greenwood, and DeJesus gives us one of the best LB units in the league. At worst, his selection will push Zach Diles to become a better OLB, so it’s kind of win-win. In fact, the only person this selection is probably bad news for is Kevin Bentley–I don’t see us breaking camp with six linebackers and my guess is that we’ll take Adibi, DeMeco, Greenwood, Diles, and Thompson. (This is subject to change if BFD’s “Thompson as DE” theory pans out.)

Players Whose Selections Make Me Excited In A Non-Sexual Way:

Frank Okam–While I think BFD might be throwing out the ultimate absolute best-case scenario when he likens Okam to Shaun Rogers, I am a big fan of Frank. Given that I basically screamed for a NT non-stop over the last three months, getting a really bright guy who is 6′4″/350 and runs a 5.32 is like a dream come true. I am not buying the “move him to guard” talk for a second, as Okam is immediately the best NT prospect we have. Yes, that includes you, Trav, you underwhelming fuckhole. Anyway, getting Okam in Day 2 more than makes up for not getting Balmer with our first rounder in my book. Plus, I honestly think that his presence makes Amobi and Mario better this year, which should frighten the sweet tap-dancing Christ out of opposing QBs.

Steve Slaton–The thing that really excites me about Slaton is that I think we got a great bargain where we picked him. If you harken back to, say, August 2007, Slaton and Brian Brohm were talked about as early Heisman favorites. Now, neither had the season to back that up, but–in Slaton’s case, at least–I don’t think that’s entirely his fault. That WVU team had so many weapons in the backfield that I feel safe in assuming Steve merely got lost in the shuffle. Once Pat White started dominating with his legs in the spread, Slaton’s role was diminished and it was further hurt by the impact of Noel Devine and Owen Schmitt. *takes another sip of the Kool-Aid* Regardless of whether I am indulging in wishful thinking, one thing is for sure: Slaton is the potential homerun threat that we haven’t had since…um…ever.

Players Whose Selections Do Not Make Me Want To Kill Someone:

Antwaun Molden–We needed a CB according to many people and, other than DR-C (side note: Fuck you to death, Arizona), I wasn’t really wanting to take one with our first-round pick after overpaying Frenchy Reeves. So getting Molden answered both of my wishes with respect to this position. As others have more descriptively detailed, Molden is a physical corner and is a workout warrior. Reminds me of a certain Gamecock we drafted last year.

Dominique Barber– The only reason I don’t dislike this pick is because I am all for some good, old fashioned competition in the safety corps during this year’s camp. I’ve never been much of a fan of C.C. Brown or Glenn Earl, so bringing in more bodies to up the level that people will have to perform is all right by this guy.

Player Whose Selection Will Only Be Acceptable If Accompanied By A Pro Bowl Selection:

Duane Brown–Look, I’ve read all the explanations for taking him. For the record, I like this one from Chris the best. But here’s my problem with this pick: the beauty of the ZBS is that in all the years Gibbs has been doing it, he’d only taken an offensive lineman once in the first round.

Another consistent thing about Gibbs’ teams–more often than not, they don’t take offensive linemen early in the draft. In 1984, the first o-lineman they took was in Round 8 (Winford Hood). In 1985, Round 5 (Billy Hinson). In 1986, Round 4 (Jim Juriga–this one is misleading, though, because the fourth round was the first pick Denver had). In 1987, Round 8 (Dan Morgan). In 1995, Round 4 (Jamie Brown). In 1996, Round 7 (Leslie Ratliff). In 1997, Round 3 (Dan Neil). In 1998, Round 7 (Trey Teague). In 1999, Round 2 (Lennie Friedman). In 2000, Round 4 (Cooper Carlisle). In 2001, Round 4 (Ben Hamilton). In 2002, they didn’t draft one. Finally, in 2003, Round 1 (George Foster).

When he went to Atlanta, the trend continued. 2004–didn’t draft one. 2005–Round 5 (Frank Omiyale). 2006–Round 5 (Quinn Ojinnaka).

Look at those names for a second.  Presumably, these are all guys that Gibbs was “really high on,” yet only one of them warranted a first-round selection.  By taking Brown in the first round, Gibbs must be saying that Brown is such a perfect fit for his system that Gibbs absolutely could not take the chance of not getting him.  In short, Brown must be the ultimate archetype of a ZBS lineman.  Or at least as much of an archetype as George Foster was.
Yeah…

Anyway, that’s not the reason the selection pissed me off so much.  If Brown really is designed for the ZBS, that’s great.  But the question is whether he’s better at LT than Mendenhall would have been at RB.  Or Jenkins would have been at corner.  Sure, we got Slaton and Molden, which definitely eases the sting a bit, but if Brown falls on his face (or even if Mendenhall and Jenkins thrive elsewhere while Brown is just average), there is going to be a huge “what if Gibbs had just stuck to his pattern and not reached for Brown” hanging over the pick.

Player Whose Selection Suggests Kubiak Must Owe Alex Brink’s Dad A Favor:

Alex Brink–Seriously…what the fuck?

I’m feeling a little sappy tonight, so bear with me. First, a shout out to Liston and hope he’s doing well (and toast should always be eaten above the head, when possible). I’d take Liston over about 99% of professional comedy writers. Secondly, total thanks to Eric for doing the leg work on this post.

We’re now a couple of days post-draft hangover (a vicious Zima hangover, if you’re Tim). I’ve already given my take on the draft, so let’s take a tour around the rest of the delightful internetz and get some opinions from the “experts’ on how the Texans performed (and, by “opinions,” remember that if they don’t match ours, they are wrong. Of course.).

Let’s start with the scorched earth version of Emily Post, Texans blogger Steph Stradley. With her harsh, septic take on life, you knew there was no way she could be complimentary of the Texans. She proved this by giving a completely unfair B/incomplete. Perhaps, one day, she will come to embrace life. For now, I just hope Kubiak wasn’t within back-hand distance when Duane Brown’s name was called (You know, after re-reading this paragraph, I think I’m a little bitter about not being invited to this. Steph, this situation at least calls for some in-depth probing. And I promise: it won’t take long at all.).

Dr. Z is one of the few mass media types I enjoy because he’s not afraid to get technical with his audience (why, yes, I adore Ron Jaworski). This is what he said:

Houston Texans: So their venture into the O-line arena in the first round nets them a finesse guy, Duane Brown, after they traded down eight places. What I’ve always felt about this team is that linemen should be brought in by the truckload, not on little tippy toes.

The grammar channeling of a Chron writer aside, I think he sums up well some of my concerns about Brown. He didn’t give a grade, per se, but it wouldn’t be too pretty.

The hair-opshere reference? Oh yeah, that’s gotta be all about Mel Kiper. He gave us one of the worst grades, a “C”, but I don’t fully understand why from his write-up. Fortunately, Kiper has reached the point of that aunt of yours who knows every-little-fucking-thing in the world, but she earns minimum wage at the local car dealership answering phones. Or is that just my family?

ProFootballWeekly doesn’t hand out grades but seriously echoes of Dr. Z with their write-up. Personally, I think it’s a fair summary of our draft.

Jason Cole at Yahoo! Sports gives us a B, but he adds something I hadn’t seen before:

Okam, a former defensive tackle, is likely to shift to guard, a clever move by teams that realize that non-athletic DTs can make for cheap, athletic G’s.

I argue the part about Okam not being athletic, but this is a really interesting take. Evidently, Okam scored a 39 on the Wonderlic. which just kinda verifies what we already knew: he’s a smart MF. I’m not buying the G angle, but it’s something to consider. Props to Cole.

Finally, Gregg Rosenthal and Evan Silva at nbcsports.com give us a B-. They did give the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers a D+, so I think they put some thought behind it.

So, what can we learn from all these grades? Well, nothing. This exercise reminds me of some advice my father never gave me: opinions are like assholes, and yours stinks.

If there is a takeaway from this grade-wankery, it’s that there isn’t a ton of deviation between opinions. Duane Brown was a stretch and he’s a project. We got some bargains at the end of the draft. BFD + cheerleaders = more complimentary write ups. No surprises once you think about it.

Let me end on this. Mike Florio at PFT has a write-up about Kyle Shanahan and Reggie Bush. Now, aside from this sentence of stupidity:

So, basically, Shanahan thinks Bush is a third-down type player. Which is an accurate assessment of him now.

No. I call bullshit. I don’t know many people who actually thought he would be more than that. And the insinuation that Shanahan had anything to do with this pick, which is asinine beyond belief in the context of the 2006 draft, is just silly.

But the rest? Basically, even though we all know that Shanahan is Chris Simms’ bitch, I have a little place in my heart for him.

Edit: Completely remiss if I don’t add this must-read article by SOLIS on Super Steve Slaton.

Well, it’s all done but the crying. I gotta admit that I’m still disappointed that we lost out on DRC (note to self: do a better job discrediting who we want next year), and I will forever hate the Cards because of it. Or something. That said, I’m gonna throw up (sic) some grades for our draft this year, and I would love to hear your feedback. I’m not going to do any purposeful agitating a la Little Dickie Justice, age 12. I’m going to try and be as honest as possible with my subjectivity and objectivity.

1st Round (#26 overall): Duane Brown, LT, Virginia Tech.  I originally wasn’t too excited, and then I slipped quickly into acceptance. Considering he was taken with the 26th pick of the 1st Round, it’s definitely an over-draft. That we traded back eight places and still got the guy we allegedly wanted the entire time earns some points, though. For now, it’s a bit of a wash on the good and bad, and I am still worried about his ability to have a short-term impact on the team, so I will go with a Grade B. No, not great. I think it’s average right now, and it’s a full grade higher because of the trade down and acquisition of additional picks. Mr. Brown and Smithiak are certainly welcome to make me eat that grade, however.

3rd Round #1 (#79 overall): Antwaun Molden, CB, Eastern Kentucky. curtisdisco had some good things to say about Molden at BRB, and if you check out the entire thread, the guy is definitely a work-out fiend. Seriously, the guy seems to be a slightly lesser version of DRC: small school and huge combine numbers. Considering what the guy has had to deal with as a human, and how *pissed* he was at his badass workouts, I am prepared to go JJ on him. Grade B+.

3rd Round #2 (#89 overall): Steve Slaton, RB, West Virginia. I do worry he’ll be a Chris Perry at the highest level due to his size and seeming inability to run between the tackles, but he definitely has game-changing ability. Used in the proper role, I can see him excelling. Grade B+. I do think we need to set realistic expectations that he is not a true #1 RB, but I have no problem with that, either.

4th Round (#118 overall): Xavier Adibi, OLB, Virginia Tech. Here’s my take…so, we didn’t take a DE in this draft, yet I believe it to be a serious area of need. We signed Chaun Thompson, who could line-up at DE as a serious speed rusher. Yes, that’s where I am going with this. Chaun will see a lot of time opposite Mario at DE, and I have absolutely no problem with this. Chaun *is* 6′2″, 250lbs, so he’s not terribly undersized. But if he can become a demon off the outside, yeah, I’m liking this.

As for Adibi, as I said previously, I see a lot of Morlon Greenwood. Others in the Draft Thread said DeMeco, but that’s a little too far for me. And again with the b0ng hit of Adibi. He’ll definitely challenge Zach Diles and Kevin Bentley at SAM. An interesting pick with some seriously high upside. Grade A-. As stupid as this may sound, if any of our picks have a big impact in 2008, I think it’s most likely to be Adibi.

5th round (#151 overall): Frank Okam, DT, The University of Texas at Austin…bitchez. Yes, an alum from my beloved alma mater. And, yes, I am super-excited about this pick (though not as excited as Tim). He has a first-class body, a top-of-the-class mind, but he has the motor of a moped. He also needs some serious work on his technique. The worst thing about him is his ability to disappear for stretches, but when he’s on, he’s Shaun Rogers good (when his engine is running, of course).

Going into the 2007 season, I thought Okam would be a legit 1st round pick. That he slid is more of an indictment of the motor, technique, and (oh yeah!) conditioning than it is anything else. A motivated Okam would be an absolute steal and the acquisition of a 1st rounder in the 5th. Grade A-.

6th round (#173 overall): Dominique Barber, S, Minnesota. I just don’t understand this pick. We took Molden, we have enough DBs to hold up against Andre Ware, and we took the slowest S on the board? I mean, I think even I could hang with this guy in the 40 (20 years ago). Look, he may be Marion’s brother, but I hate that SOB. Grade D.

7th round (#223 overall): Alex Brink, QB, Washington State. I watched only about half of one WSU game this year, and I don’t have much of an image of Brink. He’s mobile but smallish, and he definitely has a “West Coast Offense” kinda arm, which means it ain’t the strongest. I will reiterate that I believe that Kubiak carries three QBs on the active roster, and Brink will be practice squad fodder. Grade who cares.

Overall Grade:

I think we are seeing a trend of sorts with Smithiak, which is taking safer picks in the earlier rounds and going for the homerun in later rounds. I’m OK with this. Brown, for all the smack, was a fairly safe pick. Mario and DeMeco were a fairly safe picks. In 2007, ManChild was an easy call and not a gamble, but they went Jacoby Jones in the 3rd, Fred Bennett in the 4th, and Brandon Frye in the 5th (looking forward to seeing him in the summer).

This draft just seems similar to me. A safer pick at the line early (Brown vs. Okoye), l33t skill position in the 3rd (Slaton vs. JJ [nod to JJ here, though]), a DB with upside (Bennett vs. Molden) in there, and another lineman with talent in the 5th (Okam vs. Frye).

Overall, I give this draft a very sold B+ with a greater possibility of upside than not. Molden and/or Okam could make this grade an “A” by themselves, much less Brown or Slaton. I’m excited.

Sadly, Jamaal got snatched up by the Chiefs, but we nabbed Antwuan Molden, CB, Eastern KY. Yeah, he’s somebody I can root for. Wow. Specs remind me a bit of DRC.

Edit: 2nd 3rd Rounder: Steve Slaton, RB, WV - A little on the smallish size, which scares me, but legit home run ability. A good fall-back plan after losing out on Charles. Not sure if he’ll be more than a 3rd down back, though. I would’ve preferred Harrison or Thompson instead, but Slaton was #3 for me.

Edit: And with our 4th round pick, we take: Xavier Adibi, OLB, VaTech. He’s a fast dude, but a little on the smallish size. A little bigger but a little slower than Morlon Greenwood. Scott Wright’s NFL Countdown has him as the #4 OLB in the draft.

Edit: In his mother’s basement, Tim sprouts wood as our Texans take Frank Okam, DT, The University of Texas @ Austin. Yes, I like this one as well.

Edit: Ummmm, what? Dominique Barber with our 6th? I admit to knowing nothing about the guy. He was a S at Minnesota and is slow. *shrugs*

Courtesy of b0ng, how about a bong hit of Xavier Adibi?

Edit: In the 7th, we take Alex Brink, QB, Washington State.  Eh, not a ton of arm strength.  I think he’ll be our 2008 version of Jared Zabransky (watch the man-crush on this one, 1Tex.  Jared broke your heart.).

I’ve had a bit of a cold over the past couple of days, and it’s been a bear to sleep.  Top it off with a huge line of storms that hit at about 5:30, and I’m running on little sleep.

So, in that time, I’ve been thinking about Duane Brown, football, and sweaty men in tight pants in general.  After looking at the other comments, I think a lot of us having been thinking about large men with big, manly hands…and have come to fairly similar conclusions.  Here’s my take:

I woke up next to Duane this morning, and I didn’t have a case of coyote ugly.  I looked over at Duane and thought to myself, “You know, he ain’t bad.  He’s not a cheerleader, he’s not the hottie drill team chick….he’s kinda like the homely looking Debate Club girl, not at all as in Not Another Teen Movie, though.”

Now, we had a good time, but I’m not quite ready to meet his parents yet.  Frankly, he’s going to have to work on a few things to win me over completely, such as creating holes, getting to attack points, getting stronger, and washing windows - you know, the usual stuff.

Now, the last time Alex Gibbs set somebody up in the first round with a LT, it was George Foster.  Foster was also a “terrific athlete” who was supposed to be all that and a bag of Cheetos.  Sure, we can’t control the fact that he ate all that, the bag of Cheetos, and the bag, but it still turned out to be a bust of a pick.  Alex seems to be a bit better at the whole “My Fair Lady” thing, taking lumps of clay and molding them into gold.  Matt Lepsis, who was signed as an UDFA by the Broncos, is a perfect example.

We did get 3rd and 6th round picks to make up for trading back.  And, heck, I would be elated to take Jamaal-American Charles with one of 3rd rounders to bring in for the occasional menage-a-trois to spice up the marriage a bit.

One additional comment: Somebody mentioned (too lazy to look, sorry!) that this was like 2006 all over again.  I respectfully disagree.  I think there was consensus that we wanted a LT, just not one so damn early, especially considering we passed on Rashard Mendenhall, a bunch of DEs, and other schwag on the way through.

Don’t worry, Duane: I’ll call you in the morning.  I know some people - and they apparent already really like you, as well - that can fix you up to make me proud to be in a long-term relationship with you.  It’s a little more maintenance than I had hoped, but I’ll give it a chance to work.

{hugs and kisses},

bfd

First take: Seriously?

Second take: No, you can’t be fucking serious.

Third take: Seriously?

4th-Nth takes: See third take above.

Yes, it’s like that.

Look, I recognize that he “fills a need.”  But as somebody who could’ve been drafted 20 picks later, who cares.  Ya see, Brown is what we call “a reach.”  A “reach-around” is almost good.  Hell, depending on the pitcher and the money involved, I’d be down with that.  A “reach” is ***not*** good.  Not in the least.

The draft is about maximizing talent and maximizing what your team needs.  Yes, we need a LT - and the problem, after reading his fucking scouting report, is that we still do - but we could’ve traded this pick, gotten more schwag (a la our 18th), and still been happy.

Duane Brown as a Texan?  Not a bad idea.  Duane Brown as the 26th pick of the 2008 NFL draft?  Fuck.

Get the point?

Truly, I am not trying to be angry with the pick.  If the Cards hadn’t dicked us by taking our beloved DRC, then all would’ve been good (props to whomever reminded us of this misjustice).  But that didn’t happen.

Reaching is simply a different way to say that we did not maximize our pick @ 26.  The last time Alex Gibbs “drafted” an OL was when he took George Foster out of Georgia…the same dude who got traded to Detroit for buffet costs.  I don’t understand why we didn’t give Gibbs a chance to work with what we already had, especially if we were trying to sell Barbaro has healthy.

Let me end this rambling, drunken post with one, single word:

Reach.

Or something like that.

I’m just gonna throw this out there so that it is preserved for Saturday: There is no chance in hell that the Texans take Aqib Talib. The dude had THREE marijuana test failures (including one he claims was not a big deal because he admitted before he took the test that he was going to fail it!), has a reputation for being a cocky dickhead, AND his form as a cover corner (most notably in the hips) is flawed.

No way, no how; if the other three corners are off the board when 18 rolls around, we’ll go another direction.

So there.

For your Thursday morning enjoyment, I present a Chron article from 2005 singing the praises of one DeMarcus “Petey” Faggins.

Faggins is exactly what defense needs

[...]

By starting Faggins in place of Phillip Buchanon at cornerback and Shantee Orr in place of Jason Babin at outside linebacker, the Texans are making it clear that no longer do reputations and draft position have priority.

It’s about who can make plays. And who’s hungrier.

Faggins is all that. He’s the guy you keep wanting to ignore but can’t. He plays every snap as if he must do his job or start packing. Same thing with Orr.

[...]

“When I first got here last season, and I heard all this talk about the Texans need another corner, I came into camp and I saw this guy, No. 38,” Robinson said. “He’s all over and I’m like, `Dang, is he a new guy or something?’ The same thing this spring. … (Faggins) is a playmaker.”

He’s the one always volunteering for repetitions, no matter if they’re with the scout team. He’s the one always asking for a chance until he finally gets one.

That was Faggins two Sundays ago as Buchanon seemingly tripped over his press clippings while attempting to tackle Pittsburgh Steelers running back Willie Parker near the goal line.

Ready to go with his helmet on, Faggins watched as things went from bad to worse to putrid.

“They made the decision right there on the sideline,” Faggins said. “I guess they felt like some guys weren’t playing up to their potential. I just heard Dom say, `Put Petey in.’ ”

Petey, as Faggins is called, did not astound anyone the rest of the way in that loss. But he made a couple of plays. He made no mistakes. He stayed in position, and it was enough to earn him the start today against the Cincinnati Bengals.

[...]

“The more you’re around him the more comfortable you get because he gives you great effort, he competes every down (and) he doesn’t want anybody to catch a pass on him,” Capers said. “When you talk to these guys, you tell them this is a game of opportunity. Whether you’re running the service team, or running the other team’s offense or defense. He earned this the old-fashioned way.”

Wow.  If you read the article with visions of the Atlanta game in your head, you start to giggle and assume that the whole thing is just a big sarcastic joke.

About two weeks ago, grungedave emailed me, asking:

Is this the most “low-key” build-up the NFL Draft in more than a decade?

After I thought about it for a minute, I had to admit he was right. I honestly can’t remember so little hype and talk surrounding the Texans’ upcoming picks. But, you know what? I think this is a good sign.

Here’s what I mean: The reason that we are not hanging on every mock draft and obsessing over this year like past drafts is because we are low enough in the draft that we can only speculate as to who might be there–we have no guarantees of anyone’s availability. Even more importantly, though, we don’t have any one hole that is so glaring that we HAVE to draft to fill it. Hell, if last year’s “8-8 despite having more injuries than the 4077th” showed anything, it’s that this team has a good bit of talent all over the place, meaning that this draft (and future drafts) will be used to tweak and improve rather than to overhaul.

In that vein, I agree with what BFD said–acting like this first pick is make-or-break for this team is ridiculous. If history has shown us anything, it is that NO first round pick is really make-or-break; some have a bigger impact than others, but all are just 1/53rd of the team. Hell, we survived Zoolander, didn’t we?

Speaking of BFD’s last post, in the comments thereto, Stephanie opines the following:

Actually, I don’t put happy faces on picks. However, I do think that most draft addict fans are total morons about the draft. Everybody thinks that if Their Guy doesn’t get picked, and the team drafts The Guy They Really Didn’t Want, then the world will come to the end and they have to drop a bunch of F bombs and the like.
-
And the truth is even teams with all the information in the world, with coach’s tape and interviewing these guys, etc., teams often get it wrong. So I just figure if the teams can’t get it right with the best information out there, then how are draft addict fans any more likely to get it right when they are mostly depending on combine stats and reading second or third hand or totally madeup information about the players on the interwebs.

On some level, I agree with this. After all, I can’t say for sure whether Phillip Merling or Calais Campbell will be the better pro. I can’t tell you whether Leodis McKelvin is really going to be the best corner in this draft or whether Aqib Talib is a great fit for our system. And I sure as shit can’t say with 100% certainty that Jonathan Stewart is not a better fit for our new ZB system than Felix Jones. All I can do in any of these cases is guess.

THAT SAID, there is a guess and there is an informed guess. The former, I think we all agree, is useless. The latter, however, has some merit and provides a somewhat rational basis for arguing about who we should or shouldn’t take.

As to Steph’s larger point, that teams often whiff on the pick, so who are we to argue with them in the first place if they can’t get it right with all the available info, I think there is one glaring problem with that theory. Namely, it assumes that teams are always making rational decisions based on independent evaluations of their team and the players in the draft.

That would be great if it were true, but I have my doubts. Case in point: Last year, Miami, despite needing a QB as well as help in any number of other spots, inexplicably took Ted Ginn, Jr., at 9, with Brady Quinn, Amobi Okoye, Patrick Willis, and Michael Griffin (among others) still available. Even at the moment they made the pick, the collective response from everyone else was “What the fuck?” The only explanation I can come up with is the Dolphins management bought into the hype surrounding Ginn’s speed and thought they needed him. Had they taken an honest look at their team, however, he would not even have been on their radar at 9.

This is not really an isolated incidence, either. Every year, some team buys into a 40-time or a ESPN fluff piece and takes a guy that doesn’t fit their system or that plays a position they don’t really need to fill when there are other players universally-accepted as “better” still available. Note, I am not saying that fans aren’t just as likely to buy into something and get a semi for players that aren’t really that good. We are all fallible when it comes to this process. Still, I don’t think it is “dumb” to boo your team and bitch about a pick if, for example, the Texans took Brian Brohm at 18.

So, as I said above, I can’t tell you whether Merling or Campbell will be the better pro, but I can point out that–if they are both on the board at 18–all of the Combine numbers point to Merling as being a better player, but that his sports hernia surgery in the offseason should at least make you consider Campbell’s freakish build and possibly overlook his poor combine before you roll the dice. On the other hand, I can mention that Merling has the ability to slide inside and play under tackle if you want him, which Campbell cannot. Likewise, I can’t tell you whether McKelvin is the best corner in the draft, but I can tell you that I would prefer not to take a 5-10/190 CB if Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie is available because we play against some big, physical receivers when we play Jacksonville and I think he’d be abused. (And I can point out that Talib has some drug issues (multiple marijuana test failures) and that his hip work is sub-par at best.)

But even these comparison in a vacuum don’t present the whole story, obviously. Determining whether a draft pick was “right” or “wrong” or “absolutely shitty” requires forming a set of assumptions and working rules about your team and your draft. Differences in opinions here are what cause me to want Balmer/R-Cromartie/Merlin, Lee to want Stewart, Dave and BFD to want a corner, Mark to want an OT, Stephanie to want the player most likely to rescue homeless animals, Chris to want…I actually have no idea who Chris wants, and Tim to want the best available at a number of positions. So, without further ado, here are the assumptions I am working under (primarily with respect to the first round). Feel free to correct me and/or realize my brilliance and change your own opinions accordingly.

1. 1. Barring the shocking drop of DRC to 18, I do not want a corner in the first round. We just blew our wad throwing cash after Jacques Reeves. I realize that the rookie money comes from a different pool than the money used to pay Frenchy, but I am of the opinion that drafting someone to fill the exact same hole you just spent your biggest free agent dollars on is the equivalent of pawning your car to play blackjack and then taking out a second mortgage to try and win back the car money. I assume Ray Rhodes saw something he liked in Reeves and, thus, persuaded the powers that be to sign him. If that’s the case and if we are going to blitz more often like we did in the second half of the season last year, it could very well be that Reeves is a good corner for us. I’m willing to take that chance for a year and use our first-rounder elsewhere.
2. **
3. 2. My only exception to the assumption in #1 is DRC. That is because I don’t think you get too many chances as a franchise to draft that kind of physical freak to play defensive back. His cousin is an absolute game changer (see, e.g., the game we played against them) and I am willing to overlook the “good money after bad” theory if you can get someone who can single-handedly change games in the secondary.
4. **
5. 3. Going along with #1, part of what could make Reeves a viable (or better) corner for us is putting him in a position where he’s not trying to cover Reggie Wayne for 5 seconds. The easiest way to do this is to improve the defensive line so that the front four can get better pressure and not have to rely on the SLB as a fifth rusher all the time. Knowing that, the question becomes whether you’d prefer a new DE opposite Mario knowing that Travis Johnson will likely be your nose tackle or whether you’d take a Kentwan Balmer and see if Anthony Weaver bounces back and/or if Earl Cochran continues to show the nose for the ball that he had near the end of last year.
6. **
7. 4. Building off of #3, do you take a Philip Merling at 18 because of his versatility, knowing that you could then run a number of different d-line formations out there based on whether he was at DE or UT? I think you have to consider this approach if you are not planning on getting both a DE and a DT in this draft.
8. **
9. 5. On the offensive side of the ball, many pundits (and a number of blogger/blog commenters) have us taking a LT first. What those people don’t seem to be giving any weight to is the fact that we just brought in the GURU of Zone Blocking–a man who has decades of turning cast-off linemen into integral cogs in the system–as well as a number of guys who would seem to fit his system. And we have a LT (Barbaro) who has never really gotten a chance to play that is due to return (though he is probably not a good fit for the new system). So why not give Gibbs and the current pieces (both returning and free agent) a year so we see just what we do have and what we need to address? It is entirely conceivable that we have all the pieces we need currently on the roster.
10. **
11. 6. Ditto that with running back. We have our albatross from last year (Batman) returning along with Kubiak’s mancrush (Darius Walker) and our newest addition (Chris Brown). Why not wait a year to see if (a) Green has a decent year left in him or (b) one of the other two guys can thrive in a ZBS? If you MUST draft a RB, at least wait until the third or fourth–why draft one when you don’t know exactly how our system is going to shake out?

So, yeah. Those are the assumption I am working under. What say the rest of you?

—

Totally unrelated, but I need some advice. Can someone recommend a good bourbon/whisky/whiskey for someone who generally avoids brown liquors like a toothy blowjob?

On Saturday, if you are watching the draft within the vicinity of a computer, you’ll be happy (I think) to know that I am liveblogging the first round using fancy new software that will update in real time, allow me to embed pics and sounds, and give you a place to reply in real time as well. It’ll be Nerdapalooza up in here.

After much hype and a lull that would make the Big 10 jealous, I present to you:

The NBC Sports Blogger Mock Draft.

I’d also like to welcome the newest Texan, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie.

Gary Kubiak: (on phone) …uh-huh…yep…really, him? OK…no, that’s fine…I just didn’t…I didn’t know he was Catholic…I’ll tell him. (hangs up, dials Travis Johnson’s cell phone)

Travis Johnson: (singing) And IiiiIiiiiIiiiiiIIIIIIiiiiieieeeee, will always LOVE youuuuuuuuuu, IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuu… (answers phone) ‘Sup, coach?

Kubiak: Hey, Trav. How’s it going? I just got a call from the strangest person.

Johnson: You mean someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese? That’s not so weird; I get that all the time.

Kubiak: (sighing) No, Travis…not someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese. I have no idea–nevermind. Anyway, I got a call from the Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate.

Johnson: The fuck is an oblate?

Kubiak: You know, the people who provide priests for your church here in Houston? Shit…ANYWAY, it seems that the Pope is in the U.S. and he wants to invite you to have an audience with him. This is quite an honor, Trav, and–quite frankly–I am petrified that you will do something monumentally stupid and turn every Mexican in Texas against us. Please don’t fuck this up. Please?

Johnson: Shit, baby…it’s all to the good. I loves me some Pope.

(later that evening, in the rectory of St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Houston)

Johnson: Hi, Mr. Pope. Nice hat, dawg.

Pope Benedict: Hello, Travis. God bless you.

Johnson: So, what’s up, man? What’s good? What’s the word? (does elaborate, thirty-eight step handshake, points to the sky)

Pope: (looking startled) I…I…well, it is certainly wonderful to meet you, Travis. Father McHale tells me that you are setting a wonderful example for Catholic youth in Texas. He says that you–

Johnson: Oh, hell yeah, dawg! I be doin’ all sorts of shit fo’ the little kiddies. Why, just the other day, I took ten kids to the Mall to let them watch me buy some shoes.

Pope: I’m sorry? Do you mean you bought them shoes?

Johnson: Shit, no, man. I bought ME some shoes and I told them, “y’all practice hard and, someday, you’ll be able to afford all these shoes fo’ yo’ damn selves.” They were feelin’ me.

Pope: (looks slightly frightened and confused) You…bought yourself shoes…I…I don’t know what to say.

Johnson: I know, right?! Shit was great, dog!

Pope: (suddenly rethinking the entire meeting, changes subject) Tell me, son, is there a prayer you would like to say with me?

Johnson: Nah, dawg. I’m good.

Pope: Well, perhaps there is something you’d like blessed?

Johnson: Wait…whatchu sayin’? That you can give, like, super Jesus powers to something?

Pope: Not exactly, my son, but I can bless you or someone you love.

Johnson: Fo’ real?

Pope: Yes.

Johnson: Fo’ really real?

Pope: (sighing) Yes.

Johnson: Awwwww, SNAP! (unzips pants) Bless this, Pope.

Pope: What?!!

Johnson: Look, here’s the deal. I gots these two dudes on my team–Will Demps and, uh, this other Ivy League brotha we just signed–and they are both packin’ some SERIOUS dick, Pope. And, to make matters worse, they are both pulling more ass than a Texas Mormon, ya dig? So, I’s thinkin’ that, if you blessed my little Osceola, I could use my Jesus Dong to compete with those two.

Pope: (aghast)

Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope)

Pope: (frightened)

Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope.) Man, you gonna sit there slack-jawed like some motherfuckin’ Trent Green or you gonna holify my shit?

Pope: (looks for nearest exit, making blessing motion in Travis’ general direction) Ego contemno meus vita.

Johnson: (zipping up pants) Now THAT’S what I be talkin’ about, ya heard! 20 minutes ago, I had a lot of respect for the Pope. Now, I’m all like, HELLZ YEAH, THE POPE IS THE SHIZZNIT, BABY!!!! Vatican City in the house! Florida State in the house! My holy dick in the house!!!

Pope: (scurries out the side door)

Travis: (yelling after him) Yo, dawg, I’ma give my cell number to that dude out front in the big red hat! Holla at a playa if you are back in town! Tell Jesus I said what’s up!

Mark Curnette of the Cincinnati Enquirer (Skyline Chili SUX!) is reporting David Pollack has decided to retire because of a back injury he suffered on the field of battle.  The former 2005 1st round pick was thought to have a great future coming out of the University of Georgia and was ranked ahead of Shawne “ROIDS!” Merriman.  Now, he’s done.

There are some people who are setting asinine, irrational expectations for the Texans with their first pick at #18.

No no no, Dennis.  You know what we need to do?  Not fuck up the pick.

“We don’t want to miss on this player,” says (Gary) Kubiak.  Really?  Dennis, what do you expect him to say?  “We want to draft the next Tony Mandarich!”?

We can do our due diligence on the pick, and we can make a decision about whom we think will help us the most.  But after that, we still have four more picks to go, and we still need to perform in free agency and player development and on-field strategy.

The #18 pick is not do or die.

When it comes to our pick, there’s a chance that Matt or Tim or SOLIS or Steph (I kid.  We could take Ryan Leaf and she’d put a big happy face on it) or I or whomever won’t be happy with the pick.  We’ll bitch and moan - it’s what we do.

BUT, what happens if our #18 goes by the way of David Pollack?  Will our franchise be doomed forever?  Because, I’m tellin’ ya: if we are this reliant upon a single draft pick, we’ve already lost the war.

I am going to take a short break from posting about football to throw this out there:

FUCK THE UTAH JAZZ, FUCK ANDRE KIRILENKO RIGHT IN HIS FLOPPING, EURO-DOUCHEBAG MOUTH, AND FUCK THE ENTIRE STATE OF UTAH. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.

OK, I’m a busy guy.  I like it like that.  I admit: I’ve had to chill on the social scene for a while due to family needs and other issues.

But, even at my best, I couldn’t beat shit like:

‘Pacman’ allegedly paid $15K in extortion cash

I mean, seriously, where are these people?  Why don’t I have stuff like this happen to me?  I’ve really got to party with this guy.  My life just seems so unfulfilled.

bigfatdrunk

PS: Yes, this broke me with regard to Pacman.  Let’s be honest: this guy is the perfect Dallas Cowboy.

You didn’t think I was going to let this slip by, sans comment, did you? It seems a certain group of incestual infantivores have been buying copious amount of hydro green green from a Nashville drug dealer.

An undetermined number of Tennessee Titans players regularly purchased high-dollar, hydroponically grown marijuana in ounce quantities from a Nashville drug dealer, according to court records recently filed in the drug case of a former Nashville police officer sentenced to federal prison.

Of course, in typical, Titans-players-are-dumber-than-shit fashion, it seems they were paying for less weed than they were actually getting.

Corey Cecil was asked about the transactions, “The people that were sending you those wire transfers were connections that you had made on the streets when you more or less were a hydroponic marijuana dealer to the stars; is that right?”

Cecil asked Strianse what he meant by “To the stars,” and the attorney replied, “Tennessee Titans players, you would set them up with ounce quantities of high-quality hydroponic?”

Cecil then replied, “Yes, sir.”

Cecil also confirmed in questioning that he was “pinching out” seven grams of each ounce and selling it to the players as a full ounce with the Titans players unaware of being shortchanged.

According to Cecil’s testimony in the transcript, he would purchase the marijuana for approximately $650 per ounce, then after removing the seven grams, would sell the drug for “Like a grand.”

Let’s do some quick math: 1 oz. equals roughly 28 grams, so $650/oz = $23.21/gram. He pinched out 7 grams, so he was selling roughly $488 worth of weed for $1000. Either Cecil is the greatest marketer in the whole world, or it was clear to him that he was dealing with some total idiots.

Oh, wait.

(h/t Eric.)

In what is almost certainly an oversight destined to get someone fired, NBCSports.com has asked me and BFD to represent the Texans in their mock draft.  I don’t want to give away too much, but I will just say that there are some names that might slip to us that would make you very, very happy.

The draft should be posted, like, soon, or something.  By the 21st, I believe.

Here is where I will throw in my requisite “Just Say No” to Jonathan Stewart and Mike Jenkins.

I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but…

THE 2008 SCHEDULE IS BEING RELEASED TODAY AT 1PM!!!!!

Get your calendars and PDAs ready; it’s time to start planning your live football watching for 2008.

We’ve known for quite some time (relatively speaking) that the 2008 opponents shake out as follows:

AT RELIANT
Indianapolis
Jacksonville
Tennessee
Baltimore
Cincinnati
Chicago
Detroit
Miami

AWAY FROM RELIANT
Indianapolis
Jacksonville
Tennessee
Cleveland
Pittsburgh
Green Bay
Minnesota
Oakland

All that remains today is to tell us the order. So, as we count down the hours, I have a few predictions for you.

1. 1. We get a Monday night game, most likely one of our games against the Baby-Eating Sisterfuckers.
2. 2. We get a Thursday night game, most likely against Green Bay or Pittsburgh.
3. 3. Our Green Bay game will be mid-October at the very earliest. Which is not really a good thing for a domed team from a hot state.
4. 4. The Bengals WRs will make Petey Faggins look like BFD’s Real Doll–worn out from hours of torture and pounding.
5. 5. Our first home game will be against Da Bears.

(h/t to reader Kevin for reminding me of this date…I was off by a week in my head)

UPDATE 1: Monday, December 1. Jacksonville @ JUGGERNAUT. Ben gets one point for being dead-on with his date. I am giving myself half a point for predicting a Monday night game for us against a division foe.

UPDATE 2: Here it is.

• Week 1 @ Steelers
• Week 2 v. Ravens
• Week 3 @ Baby-Eating Sisterfuckers
• Week 4 @ Jaguars
• Week 5 v. Colts
• Week 6 v. Dolphins
• Week 7 v. Lions
• Week 8 BYE
• Week 9 @ Vikings
• Week 10 v. Bengals
• Week 11 @ Colts
• Week 12 @ Browns
• Week 13 v. Jaguars (Mon. Night)
• Week 14 @ Packers
• Week 15 v. Baby-Eating Sisterfuckers
• Week 16 @ Raiders
• Week 17 v. Bears

Initial thoughts…that December game in Lambeau does not sound fun from a “trying to win the game” standpoint…Weeks 3-5 will go a LONG way toward showing us how we stack up against the division…look for us to go 3-0 from Weeks 6-9.