God hates Arkansas; loves Texans fans
Apr 4, 2008 2008 Season, Babies rule, Damn it, Fuck the Cowboys, Self-Referential Stuff, Shit, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Well, I have to admit, I TOTALLY didn’t see that coming. The tornado, I mean. One minute, I am nearly asleep in bed (naked, of course) and, the next, I am hiding in the bathroom with the family as a tornado roars overhead. Once it passed, I went outside and surveyed the damage–lots of trees down, a ruptured gas main that was spewing natural gas, and lots of general carnage. We walked to a friend’s house a couple blocks away and got a ride to the mother-in-law’s house (I honestly would rather have slept in the yard, breathing natural gas).
ANYWAY…we went back this morning to really take stock of what happened. Long story short, God smote the neighbors while sparing me and mine. The only conclusion I can draw is that he happens to read this blog and didn’t want me to die, though, honestly, I think we can all agree that BFD brings way more to the party these days than I do. I took some pictures of the destruction, too, so we can all be entertained. Oh, and to answer your question, the new smoker and the big TV are totally fine.
Here is the neighbor’s kitchen. According to him, the whole house shifted on the foundation, too. He is a Cowboys fan, though, so he probably deserved this.
Here is the adjacent neighbor’s work trailer. “Suck it,” says God.
This rental car did not come standard with a roof tree. That was an aftermarket add-on. I think it brings out the paint job nicely.
Arkansas Bonsai Tree.
This is our one little spot of damage. Had it fallen differently, it would have smashed into my bedroom and mangled shit. Instead, it’s a flesh wound, giving the house some street cred. Yes, Jesus loves meeee…
These used to be upright. And that piece of the sidewalk was flat. I think I liked both better that way. Then again, I have never had much of an eye for decorating.
My car is doing its impression of Trent Green’s brain.
2200 lbs. of tornado-proof steel. God bless Texas(-made products).
You see disaster; I see a clear chunk of southern sky that will let me get DirecTV before football season starts. Life gives you lemons, you throw those suckers at someone and laugh.
Perhaps the funniest part of this whole thing was, as the tornado was passing overhead, the baby slept right through it. In the end, nothing I like got damaged, I have a cool story, and my football watching is improved. I think I kinda like tornadoes.
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April 4th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
You are a real fucking man.
The other night, while watching “Dancing with the Stars” (pretend it says Hannity and Colmes or something), a tornado warning, a fucking tornado warning, flashes across the screen. In Northern New Jersey, in the city, a tornado warning. My DirecTV goes out, I hear whooshing, and the house is getting pounded. I may have shit my pants, I’m not sure. Just turned out to be really heavy rain. Out of all the fucked up natural disasters, tornados are the ones that scare the shit out of me.
I’m glad that everyone is safe, and am really thrilled about your house’s street cred. All the kids say street cred is very important these days. Nice job with the post in the face of having to nibble on a shit sandwich. Oh, and your neighbor’s house absolutely deserved it.
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April 4th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
One more thing. The theater of the mind allowed me to envision a smoker that could handle a couple of racks of ribs. Like, for a fantasy football draft. But GOD DAMN! That’s Paula Dean, Food Network, quality shit.
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April 4th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Holy shit, Matt! So glad you and yours are okay. That is beyond terrifying.
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April 4th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
@ Jersey Bill 1: I lived in KC so long that I got used to the whole “the tornado is just down the street” thing. Last night, while the family was cowering in the bathroom, I was standing in the hallway so I could see out the front window. Then the tornado hit and my wife said I was retarded and threatened to kill me herself if I didn’t get in the bathroom. I am far more afraid of that little woman than of the tornado. In retrospect, however, I probably should have given the twister a little more respect.
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@ Jersey Bill 2: My old smoker–a Char-Broil backporch model–allowed for about three slabs of ribs or two pork butts at one time. This one, however, does roughly 22 slabs of spare ribs at once. I named it Thurgood. It makes me happy.
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@ DHC: It was wicked interesting to say the least.
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April 4th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
No pictures of the funnel cloud/tornado itself??! I feel ripped-off!
Glad you are alright. Maybe this is God’s way of informing you not to question his judgment - or to ask him to injure Petey?
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April 4th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
But I came out WAY ahead in this deal. I think that’s proof that God likes me more than he likes my neighbors.
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April 4th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
well, duh, your neighbors are Cowboys fans… God didn’t really have a choice there.
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April 4th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
We here in El Salvador saw that on the news and thought about you. Glad you’re ok as well as you’re family. Durga looks over his/her own. I’m glad you only got a dented fender. Really glad for you my friend.
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April 5th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Welcome to the Tornado survivers guild. I was stationed in Oklahoma City on 05/03/99, when we got hit with a storm system that spawned 66 tornadoes. Sixty six.
I’m glad nothing bad happened to you, your family, or your grill. I’ll pour out some beer for Honda and pray for a speedy clean up.
Stay well bro.
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April 5th, 2008 at 1:45 am
Thank god you and your family are o.k. The world needs more fake conversations w/real people.
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April 5th, 2008 at 2:01 am
God bless you and yours, Matt. With regard to the rest…Jesus wants me to crack on Arkansas. I know he does. But I’m better than that. For now, anyway. Mostly because I’m drunker than Cooter Brown.
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April 5th, 2008 at 6:21 am
Thank God and your family are safe and sound! Tornados are a scary lot and some enviromental groups are sure the storms that have pounded Arkansas, are linked to Jerry Jones gaseous ass.
Were you still “nakkid” when you went to the neighbors for a ride to the mother-in-laws?
Stay safe!
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April 5th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Good stuff, Matt. Glad you guys are well.
And I will reiterate the glowing admiration of that smoker. I mean, that fugger looks like the one VY’s dad cooked that dude in on Fried Green Tomatoes!
Attaboy.
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April 5th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Hey, SOLIS, did you see the F5 that hit just outside OK City that day? Apparently the largest/fastest tornado ever recorded. Crazy shit.
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April 5th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Did Beef really just reference Fried Green Tomatoes while complimenting the smoker? The Man Gods are sorely confused.
Glad to hear that you’re safe Matt. Next time, convince the family that the safest place in the storm is under the smoker. You could put a family of three in/under there no problem.
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April 6th, 2008 at 7:34 am
When I was 13, a tornado ripped off a part of our house and sent a huge, ancient oak tree onto the master bedroom. It wound up going right over my head, allowing me the pleasure of looking up inside the funnel itself. I then watched it take out my neighbors garage/apartment. Scary shit, I can tell you.
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April 6th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
@14 grungedave
Naw bro, I didn’t see that tornado in action, but I was a part of the clean up efforts where it hit in Moore. USAF was instrumental in recovery efforts.
I was actually in Midwest City shopping for furniture. One minute I’m looking at the warning on a wall of big screens, and next thing I know, I’m being rushed into a City Bites next door. They threw all of us in their walk in freezer to wait out one of the approaching tornadoes.
It was mad crazy.
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April 6th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Freaky. I am glad that you and yours and the smoker are okay. Always listen to the wife.
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My only dealings with a tornado made me realize that they really do sound like a train.
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April 6th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
@Steph: Said like a wife.
< -that's going to be an emoticon, and I will cry a little inside.
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April 7th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
@rob: yeah, I knew I was teetering on insanity with that one, but thought in such an emotional thread, I could slip it in (tee hee) without notice. I mean, we’ve all been forced to sit through that one, right? Right? (sad face)