DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

In case you missed it on Deadspin, it seems that former Texans cheerleader Carrie Milbank has a new gig doing something with hockey. I dunno, I didn’t really read the story. But here are some pics of Carrie for your weekend enjoyment. (And here is her bio.)

I believe the words you are looking for are “Jesus titty fucking Christ on ice skates! Thank you, Matt!”

Travis Johnson’s wedding photos.

Not pictured: whatever “incident” caused the pelvic inflamation, though I assume it involved a bridesmaid, an empty champagne bottle, and some sticky Bahamian weed.

You must forgive me.  All these years being a sports fan has made me more than a little calloused when it comes to quotes during camps.  I mean, when was the last time you heard a player say something along the lines of:

“The team is a bunch of assholes.  There’s no chemistry at all, and our team is fucked.”

Nope, doesn’t happen.  What we do get is the usual:

“Oh, man, it’s been great. I’ve got great coaches. I’ve got great teammates…

Basically, the linebackers are just all a brotherhood. The whole team is a brotherhood but the linebackers especially, we’re real tight, real close, and if anybody needs help on anything, we’re always there to help each other out.”

Awwwww, isn’t that sweet?  The quote is courtesy of Chaun Thompson, one of our off-season additions (quotes courtesy HoustonTexans.com).

But, wait a minute, is this a little nugget right here?

(on if LB Chaun Thompson will work with the defensive line) “Yeah, once we get going in camp, he’ll go down with (defensive line coach) Jethro (Franklin) and (senior defensive assistant) Frank (Bush) to work on some pass-rush skills and those types of things. He shows the ability to do that, but the thing we don’t want to do is hurt him at linebacker because he’s very competitive in our situation at linebacker right now and I don’t want to take away from that.” - Gary Kubiak, again from HoustonTexans.com

When you consider the depth we have at linebacker - DeMonster, Morlon Greenwood, and Zac Diles as starters with Xavier Adibi, Kevin Bentley, and one of several including UDFA signee Ben Moffitt (h/t 1Texan) as backups - we have some pretty damn good depth at linebacker.  Even if Thompson sees time at LB, it could be in *gasp* blitz packages.  There’s one important thing to remember about Thompson: he’s one extremely fast dude.  Instead of trying to force his talents into a system like the Browns did, it looks like the hometown heroes signed him because he fits our system.

And, frankly, anything that keeps Anthony Weaver off the field until he proves he can collect a single sack is a good thing.

Finally, we all know I’m a University of Texas grad and still live in Austin, right?  OK, well…

Vince Young a couple of days ago:

I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.

Vince Young yesterday (h/t Eric):

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I ain’t never said I was going to quit football,” Young said. “There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, but football is not hard to me. Football is easy. All you have to do is be coachable and use your God-given talent. If it was a thought at all it was just a passing thought for a second.”

You know, I really have no problem with what Ricky Williams did.  Hell, if I could get stoned and travel the world instead of working, I would do that in a second.  But Vince?  Yeah, just, wow.

Remember back when I remarked on reports that Captain Overrated once thought about quitting football?

Well, according to VY, I am full of shit. Or, perhaps more accurately, the NFL.com report that I quote was full of shit. You see, he never thought about quitting, per se.

“I was never going to quit football,” Young said Thursday[.] “Football, that is my pride and joy, it is my dream. I am playing my dream. And I don’t plan on giving that up any time soon.”

A recent nfl.com report suggesting he considered retirement after one season was “blown out of proportion,” Young said. Heading toward his third pro season, he said he’s in a “much different place” mentally than he was at this time last year.

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I ain’t never said I was going to quit football,” Young said. “There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, but football is not hard to me. Football is easy. All you have to do is be coachable and use your God-given talent. If it was a thought at all it was just a passing thought for a second.”

Um…riiiiight. Why in the world would this QUOTE make us think you were talking about quitting football:

“I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.

So you “thought long and hard about it” but only “for a second?” I would point out the inconsistency, but given your history with things that involve thinking, I think you might actually be telling the truth right there.

Long story short, I don’t particularly care whether Vince thought about quitting or not. I find it hilarious, however, that he’s coming off as such a whiny headcase. I also love that “football is not hard to [him; f]ootball is easy.” Though, really, I suppose that it is fairly easy to be one of the worst players statistically at your position. Hell, if that’s the benchmark, then football is easy for Petey Faggins, too. And it was hellafied gangsta easy for Todd Marinovich.

(h/t to Old Eric for the link)

I had my gall bladder removed yesterday.  Seriously.  So I am sore and tired (and the top of my pubes itches like crazy where they had to shave me).  I am also all hopped up on hydrocodone, which is a fine way to spend one’s Friday.

As an aside, though you certainly wouldn’t know it by my health history since I started this blog, I have always been a fairly healthy individual.  In fact, prior to the migraine episode in Houston back in July, I hadn’t been sick at all for nearly 5 years.  Somehow, then, I think all of this is Tim’s fault.

So, I have been spending some time lately doing some spring cleaning.  As a long-time pack rat, getting rid of my old sports magazines - which date back to 1977 - has been interesting.

Today, I ran across a cover with Tony Rice, RB, ND, on an old Sporting News.

And it got me thinking: who was my most embarassing man-crush?  IOW, who was it that I cheered for relentlessly when they turned out to be a total scrub?

Now, as a grown man, I’m not prone to man-crush-itis, so childhood fave and accomplished wife beater Cesar Cedeno doesn’t count.

Sadly, some of you rooted for Zoolander Jackson like that.  No, I never really did cuz I never thought he was worth a shit and was a horrible pick from the start.

Here’s mine: Michael “Puppy Master” Vick.  Yes, it’s true.  I thought he was all that and a bag of extra crunchy Cheetos where all the Cheetos look like Abraham Lincoln.  I loves athletic QBs in the Randall Cunningham mode, and I thought for sure even *he* would be able to pick up enough of the offensive playbook to destroy opposing defenses.  Alas, he sucked.  Badly.

So, as we hear about Matt’s adventures with beer, who was your embarassing man-crush?

Shiner Black is pretty awesome.

More updates as events warrant.

(As an aside, I will be laid up from Thursday PM through next Wednesday AM.  Expect much posting, though don’t expect much quality therein.)

Boo fucking hoo.

Apparently, Vince Young is a huge pussy was so bummed about life in the NFL that he nearly quit after his first season.

I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.

So what brought him out of this funk you ask?  His teammates.  And God.

My teammates helped lift me out of it. I prayed really hard. And I began to focus on God’s calling for me. Play football. Be a role model.

Hey, far be it from me to say whether God exists or opine on whether he really gives a shit about athletes qua athletes, BUT I am reasonably sure that anyone whom God chose to be a QB would post a TD-INT ratio of better than 9-17.  I mean, Kurt Warner was sacking groceries and God told him to be a QB and he put up 41 TDs and 13 picks.  Jon Kitna loves him some Jesus and even he can post a near 1:1 TD:INT ratio.  Yessir, God’s QBs tend to put up respectable (or better) QB numbers.

Long story short, Vince, I think you might have misheard God.  Maybe he said your were supposed to be a cornerback.  Those sound pretty similar when you are hammered on Patron.

Apparently, Kim Kardashian thought it would be funny to tell the press she was pregnant with Reggie Bush’s kid.  (Note to female readers:  This is never, ever, EVER even slightly funny.)

As for the sparkling ring she was wearing, Kardashian told PEOPLE Magazine, “I’m about two months pregnant right now and we’re getting married on August 8th of 2008.”

Bush reportedly appeared shocked until Kim added, “Its a joke.”

If the media involved believed this even for a second, I can only assume they were all E! News reporters and shit like that; any football writer worth his salt would know Bush can’t hit the hole with enough authority to get anyone pregnant.

Yes, this post is the height of laziness, so just bite me.  Consider this post link free!*

The Texans made a couple of moves today, though they are about as Earth-shattering as the time I went to that all-guys shirtless party and met this wonderful lad named…..

Oops.

Sadly, the Texans won’t have a psychotic killing doll on the team as Chukky Okobi was placed on IR.  This is his age 30 season, which means it’s doubtful he ever returns, which is kinda sad.  Chukky was a fine prospect until his neck injury, and I would’ve loved to see his hard-nosed style lead the offensive line.

We signed Tim Carter!  WHEE!!!!  The WR is fast as hell, but he couldn’t catch a cold and would probably wind up on the IR if he did.  I admit to having a bit of that Al Davis/speed infatuation in me, and here’s another case where I was really fucking wrong.  Oh well.  Carter won’t last long.

What I most want to mention is that the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers are bringing in Ron “If you cut me, do I not bleed custard?” Dayne for a little talkie talkie.  In my harsh opinion, bringing Dayne back into the fold as a RB would have been an epic fail on the part of the Texans.  At 452 pounds, Dayne should at least know to fall forward, but he couldn’t.  I thank him for his time and effort, but he was done a couple of years ago.

In response to this news, every “House of Pies” in Houston is flying their flag at half-mast, though many kitchen workers are happy for the break.

* Source: the absolutely indispensable rotoworld.com

If you were watching the ol’ waiver wire today, two things should have jumped out at you.  First, you are as bored and lonely at work as I am.  Second, and (seemingly) more importantly, the Texans signed DB Jimmy Williams today.

When I read that, I actually got excited for a second.  I checked Google News.  Indeed, it appeared we really had signed the heretofore underperforming second-year pro out of Va Tech.  I was chalking this up to Ray Rhodes creating a fantastic secondary from parts people didn’t want anymore.  A 6′2″/205 CB/S who was the #1-rated DB in the 2006 draft?  Color me thrilled!

But then reality, in its typically cold fashion, showed up and smacked me in the mouth.  We didn’t sign that Jimmy Williams; we signed this Jimmy Williams.  The 6-year pro who most recently suited up for the Seattle Seahawks and who, at 5′10″/190 and 29 years of age, is unlikely to even register on the 53-man roster’s radar.  Damn.

Oh, well.

Game Show Host: Aaaaaand, we’re back! It’s time for the lightning round. You all know how this works; You pick a category, I ask a question and, if you get it right, I ask you another one. If you get it wrong, the next person gets a chance to answer. The first person to answer five correct wins. Travis, as the only person without a negative dollar amount following round one, you get to go first.  Please choose from General Knowledge, Human Anatomy, and Authors.

Travis Johnson: General Knowledge.

Host: OK…name the first President of the United States.

Johnson: George Washington–

Host: Correct!

Johnson: Carver.

Host: Um…incorrect.  Ms. Raley, your question.

Anna-Megan Raley: What?

Host: It’s your turn to answer the question.

Raley: What question?

Host: Name the first President of the United States.

Raley: Sam Houston.

Host: Ugh.  No.  Vince, please, who was the first president of the United States?!

Vince Young: Oh, that’s that dude on the dollar bills I put down those strippers pants at JR’s.  Oh, what’s his name…um…Washington!  Yeah, George Washington!

Host: Correct!  Next question: In the equation 2x+4=6, what does x stand for?

Young: X?  Hold up! This is a trick question, dawg.  X is a letter, not a number!

Host: Good god.  I mean, seriously…sweet holy Jesus.  Travis?

Johnson: (dancing to music no one else hears) Word.

Host: What does X stand for?

Johnson: Shoot, I dunno…one?

Host: Wow…that’s right!  OK, what is the capital of Texas?

Johnson: Ha, that’s easy, dude! The letter T!

Host: What? Oh. No. Anna-Megan?

Raley: (two octaves higher) Uh huh!

Host: Ow.  What is the capital of Texas?

Raley: AUSTIN!!!!!

Host: Yes, but please calm down.  You still have to answer four more to win, ok?

Raley: OK!

Host: (sighing) Jesus.  In the sentence, “the dog bit the cat,” what part of speech is “dog?”

Raley: I love dogs!  What color is he?!

Host: WHAT PART OF SPEECH IS THE WORD “DOG?”

Raley: The tail?

Host: (stares blankly at Anna-Megan)

(stares)

(stares)

(considers the sweet release of death)

Host: Moving on…Vince, what part of speech is “dog?”

Young: (removes shirt) A noun, dude.

Host: I honestly have no idea how you knew that, but correct!  

(bell rings)

Host: Oh, we are running short on time!  That means it only takes THREE correct answers to win the lightning round.  Vince, if you can answer this, you will win.  How many sides are there on a dodecahedron?

Young: I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout dinosaurs.

Host: (muttering) Goddamnit.  Travis, dodecahedron, sides?

Johnson: It burns when I pee.

Host: (eyes fill with tears)

(stabs self in the chest with pocket knife)

(dies)

Johnson:  Whoa.  That’s some fucked up shit there, dude.  (looks at Raley and Young)  Yo, Vince, you wanna stuff this broad like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs?

Young: (rubbing nipples) Nah, dawg. You know I don’t get down like that.  (realizes what he said)  Um, with, uh, white women.  Yeah, that’s it.  Nothing to do with guys at all…no, no sir, not me. Not that, like, there’s anything wrong with that, but, you know, I ain’t, um, like that…

Johnson:  Whatever.  (to Raley) Yo, bitch, you ever get yo’ shit rocked by a big ol’ dude like me?

Raley:  Puh-lease…how do you think I GOT my job?  Let’s go back to your place and I’ll show you why they called me “Ol’ Three Hole” in college. (pauses) You’re wearing a condom though…Lord knows I don’t need another inflamed elvis.

One of the odder things about me,¹ especially to people who have only known me for a relatively short time, is that I spent nearly two years working in a daycare. Even more strange, however, is that I still count that one as my favorite job I’ve ever had. During the school year, I would drive the (short) bus and take the school-age kids to their respective elementary schools, then spend the rest of the day in the three-year-old room, quietly crafting my unholy toddler army. But that is a story for a different day.

During the summer, however, I abandoned my post as three-year-old assistant teacher and was full-time in the school-age room. For the most part, I was responsible for driving us on field trips, delivering some kids to the community swimming program, and making sure no one got killed (which is harder than it sounds when you are the one wanting some of them to die). I also spent a great deal of time dominating nine-year-olds at basketball (on an 8-foot goal!) and wiffle ball. Those were the salad days.

Part of our summer program included something called Outdoor Teaching Activities, which we predictably shortened to OTAs. Ostensibly a way to teach the kids about science and nature, these were really nothing more than having them measure wind speed with bubbles or guess how many helium balloons it would take to lift object X five feet off the ground. Maybe they learned something, maybe they didn’t, but it got them outside and kept us (the teachers) sane. Plus, there is nothing more entertaining than watching a kid who throws like Lamar when he is on flat ground try to throw while standing on a balance beam. High comedy there.

ANYWAY, the point is that, to this day, when I hear “OTAs,” even in a Texans context, my mind does not go to 7-on-7 football and cone drills. Instead, I immediately picture Charles Spencer lighting leaves on fire with a magnifying glass and Zac Diles standing on top of a jungle gym with a bubble wand. I am nothing if not strange.

My own mental issues aside, however, OTAs continue in Texanland, entirely devoid of four-leaf clover searches and sidewalk chalk. And, as a blogger, I suppose I should get off my lazy ass² and mention them. First up, some choice quotes (and my less-than-choice reactions) from that font of wisdom and geyser of information, Gary Kubiak.

(on the possibility of a healthy QB Matt Schaub, RB Ahman Green and WR Andre Johnson) “Well, it means a great deal. Y’all saw how we played offensively when Ahman was available because he just brings a new dimension, and I think what we’re doing running the ball with Alex (Gibbs), I think Ahman’s really a nice fit with that and I think he’s gaining confidence in what we’re doing. The health of the football team’s important across the board, not just those three, but those three are pretty darn important.”

Not gonna lie to you, Gar…this isn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear. My hope was that you would say “Ahman? Ahman who? Oh, you mean that guy we are going to cut June 1? Yeah, F him.” In retrospect, I was probably hoping for too much, both from him last year and from you in this quote, but still.

Seriously, though, (1) I don’t see Green staying healthy and (2) I REALLY don’t see him thriving in the new system. His field vision is good enough, but methinks there are too many miles on those old legs to really get the explosive cuts that make the system effective.

Kubiak again:

(on the role of DE Anthony Weaver) “I think it could actually pick up for him because he’s healthy. He’s going through the offseason and he’s feeling as good as he’s ever felt. You always have to rotate D-linemen. I think maybe we’ll get a little more out of Anthony than last year just because we’re getting a good offseason out of him.”

Phew, that’s good. I was worried that we’d get less out him than last year. What’s that? There’s nothing less than zero? Oh…yeah…I suppose you are right.

Yes, yes, I know he was coming off a shoulder injury, so I will cut him a little slack. But when you are the highest paid player on the team, you only get so much slack. I really hope he does contribute like I thought he would when we signed him, because that would give us a monster D-line. I’m just not going to hold my breath here and I won’t be surprised one bit if BFD’s prediction of Chaun Thompson as a situational DE limits Weaver’s impact.

Other news and notes from the first three days of OTAs:

• **Unlike last year, the Texans website is no longer pluralizing OTA as OTA’s. This makes me exceedingly happy. And, because I wrote this last year, I am going to take credit for the change. Viva me!
• **DGDB&D whipping boy Petey Faggins is back and he’s mad! OK, not “mad,” really. More like, “hoping to still be on the team come opening day.” Says the seventh-year pro, “I just remembered all the good things that happened and got my confidence back up.” No offense, Pete, but I searched my memory long and hard for good things that happened to you and all I could come up with was you losing your starting job after the Chargers game.
• **I have a theory. If you face this everyday in practice, Kyle Vanden Bosch starts to look as intimidating as a midget driving a VW Beetle:

• **Finally, and as BFD mentioned, Andre Johnson is still on the shelf following minor knee surgery. It sounds crazy, but the health of that knee is likely the difference between 7-9 and 10-6. He is THAT important to the offense, as we saw over and over again last year. Here’s hoping he’s 100% come September.

¹ Which, if you know me, is really saying something.
² Figuratively, of course. Because who would type standing up?

Dallas Cowboys. You know what I would do if I’d just made a big deal about landing Darren McFadden Lite in the first round of the NFL Draft?  I’d turn around and give ANOTHER RB on my team $45 MM ($16 MM guaranteed).  Yep, and I’d do this even though, for whatever reason, that RB was not even the starter for most of last season.  Then I’d feel really good about this move when that RB’s agent said, [n]ow that he’s going to be the starter and one of the highest-paid players at his position, you’ll see his coming-out party,” suggesting that, had I paid him better earlier, I might not have needed to draft the second RB.

(Yes, I know that the “explanation” as it were is that “you need two RBs in this league,” though I seriously doubt the people who say that are suggesting that you need two highly-paid RBs, both of whom feels he should be the starter. Moreover, I’m not entirely sure that you need two starter-quality RBs at all.  Sure, it’s nice, but the Pats have gotten by without two just fine.  The Colts are a strange situation because they block so well that scrubs suddenly become solid starters.  And it’s not like the Cowboys–who had a two-headed RB the last two years–have fared all that well when it really mattered.)

As a pre-emptive aside, if any Cowboys fans are reading this and feel the need to comment with something like “TRY GETING TO TEH PLAYOFS BEFOR U TALK SHIT,” please remember three things: (1) your team has won exactly as many playoffs games as the Texans during the Texans’ existence; (2) while you have made the playoffs, all you’ve done is this: ; and (3) your mother is a worthless whore.

Tennessee Titans.  I know this is old, but I can’t stop laughing at the “Vince Young partying with other half-naked drunk dudes” photos.  My favorite is this one––mainly because Elroy the Naked Fat Redneck seems to be cracking that one dude up while Vince plays shy and hard-to-get.  “Oh, these tats…yeah…I just…I dunno…I think they kind of make a statement about who I am.  Say, that’s a nice beard/shaved head thing you’ve got workin’.”

Travis Johnson.  “Inflamed pelvis?”  Really???  AWESOME!  (For comedic-writing purposes, not for your day-to-day well-being.)  I guess that dick isn’t quite so holy, huh?  You got gypped by the Pope!

Megan Manfull of the Comicle is reporting that Andre Johnson will miss OTAs after he had arthroscopic knee surgery on Thursday. Evidently, the knee acted up during mini-camp.

Now, I’m not worried about Andre missing reps: the dude knows this offense and probably dreams about it in technicolor at night. BUT, I am seriously worried about his health in 2008. After all, this is the knee that caused him to miss seven games in 2007, and that he had clean-up surgery (not knowing the details) is scary. I know there is a little projection going on thanks to my date with the knee knife on several occasions, but revisiting the scene of the crime is never a good idea.

The other factor is that the knee bothered Andre during the season even after the original surgery. Will this be a chronic problem? It has been for nine months and counting.

Let’s be honest here: Andre drives our offense. We can talk about the line or Teh Schaub or whomever, but when we lost Andre last year, our offensive dropped a turd. Andre stretches defenses, which in turn helps our running game. We need Andre.

Checking on Andre’s health heading into training camp will be a priority. Yes, this post smells a bit of paranoia, but after all of last year’s injuries, I’m freakin’ paranoid.

I realize how quiet it’s been around here of late.  That should all change with OTAs kicking off next week.  As for me, I have a BBQ competition this weekend, so I don’t foresee much in the way of posting until Sunday afternoon at the earliest.  But we should be back to full-strength as of Monday morning.  Until then, I suggest all of you look at porn.

Travis Johnson: (to self) OK, Trav…you gots to get these vows done. OK…here we go…

(takes out pad and crayon and begins to write) Baby, u so fine, I want to suck u like a smokt nekbone.

Frank Okam: (entering lockerroom) Hey, Trav, what’s up?

Johnson: Shut your ass, rookie. Can’t you see I am trying to think here?

Okam: Think about what? What are you writing?

Johnson: Damn, you a nosy motherfucker. Shit. I’m trying to write my motherfuckin’ wedding vows. The woman says we have to write our own so they be special. She knows I ain’t wrote nuthin’ since high school.

Okam: You mean college?

Johnson: D-d-d0 I stutter, you rookie asshole? No, I mean HIGH SCHOOL.

Okam: Oh, yeah, I totally forgot you went to Florida State. My bad. Well, uh, I could give you some help on this if you want.

Johnson: The fuck do you know about wedding vows?

Okam: Well, not much per se, but I tend to write well. And I’m willing to help. (glances at paper) And based on what you have so far, it’s probably a good idea for you to let someone help. Assuming you actually want her to say “I do,” I mean.

Johnson: The fuck is wrong with what I have so far? That’s some romantical shit right there, rookie. You ain’t got no idea how bitches think. They don’t want some lovey Homeo and Juliet making out on the Eiffel Tower shit. That shit is for the gays. Like Trent Green would probably whisper that kinda shit.

Okam: (looking confused)…on the…Eif–nevermind. (has epiphany) OK, fine, you’re probably right; you’ve got way more life experience than I. How about I just help you with some ideas and help you proofread it?

Johnson: I guess that’s cool. So, after the neckbone bit, I was going to go into detail about how much I love her.

Okam: Sounds like a plan.

Johnson: Something like this:

Baby, I luv u mor than I luv getin relly high and watching old kung-fu movies.

Okam: Hmm.

Johnson: What?

Okam: Oh, nothing. Just considering how great the woman must be. That’s all.

Johnson: Yeah, she pretty fly. No doubt about that. So, then, I thought I’d tell her how much she means to me.

Baby, u meen mor to me than my PS3, my 22s, and that time I got to hang out with Jamie Foxx and ride arond in his limo and shit.

Okam: Pure poetry, man. Go on, though. Tell her why she means so much to you.

Johnson: Yeah, dawg! Good call.

Baby, u are so speshul to me because u done had my kids.

Okam: That’s it?

Johnson: More? How about

And becuze u luv me and becuze u don’t mind how much I swet when we be sexin cuz u understand that Houston is one humid mutherfucker.

Okam: Awesome.

Johnson: Then, finally, I thought I’d get all deep on her ass and tell her how because of her, I understand what love really is.

Okam: (genuinely shocked) Seriously? Preach on it, man.

Johnson: Yeah, so, like

Baby, u no I never understude why Jay-Z didn’t put the song Encore last on the Black Album if that was relly suppost to be his final album. I mean, shit, the last verse says “this heres the victry lap and I’m leevin’;” don’t that sound like the way to end an album? But luv ain’t neer as confuzin as that shit–when I am with u, I understan that love is what I feel in my heart.

Okam: (relieved) Fantastic, man. She is going to love it. Great job.

Johnson: Thanks, rookie fag. Now, I gots to go memorize this stuff.(Johnson leaves)

Okam: (to self) Yes, go memorize your little vows, Travis. I can’t wait for her to hear them, either. BWAHAHA! I will destroy you, Travis. Yes, DESTROY! And then the starting Nose Tackle job shall be mine!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

To Be Continued…

Day 1 of minicamp is in the books. Which means that day one of the Alex Gibbs era, the return of Barbaro, the likely immolation of Jacques Reeves, and a whole host of other stuff. Mmm…tastes like chicken, err, football.

Anyway, most of the quotes coming out after today’s workouts were what you’d expect. The rookies were wide-eyed and thrilled to be there; the team looks good, but has to shake off some rust; everyone’s goal for minicamp is just to improve and get comfortable with the new pieces and plans; blah blah blah.

One thing jumped out, however–that BFD’s fear seems likely to come to fruition. At least if take Kubes at his word.

(on how T Duane Brown looked) “Well, I’ll have to go back and see but, you know, we’ve got to see how far we can bring this kid in the next month and so we put him right in there with the first group today. And I know it was very tough on Ephraim (Salaam), and y’all know I have a great deal of respect for Ephraim and I can understand why it was tough, but as I explained to him, I’ve got to see how far I can bring this young man. But I know Ephraim’s going to do his job and I’m expecting good things from him, but we felt like we had to put this kid to work right away.

(on if T Duane Brown is first on the depth chart) “Yes, he’ll be working with the first group, and that’s the only way we’re going to find out if this kid’s going to get to where we want him to go and how quick he can get there. You draft these kids in the first round to come in and play and that’s nothing against Ephraim (Salaam), as I said, and we’ve had this conversation. But I understand the difficulty in that, but we as coaches feel like we have to put this kid to work right away.”

Hmm…what to make of this? I’d say (a) Gibbs wants his guy to play and he wants it NOW, (b) Kubiak realizes that the better half of Black Salaami isn’t all that good, and (c) Duane Brown really is the archetype ZBS LT that we need. Plus, there is probably a little (d) “tell the fanbase the kid is a bona fide #1 just to keep the natives from becoming restless” in there as well. Lord knows no one wants restless Houstonians running around.

At this point, I am inclined to believe that Brown will be the opening day starter at LT. Now, I understand the fears of him being eaten alive by the various monster RDEs in the AFC South, but there are two things that make me think he’ll be okay if he is the starter from dia una (takes large swig of the Kool-Aid):

First, I am just telling myself (over and over and over) that, Gibbs’ pet or not, he will not be the starter until he can really be the starter. By which I mean, trial-by-fire only goes so far, especially when you are talking about the guy who is protecting the blindside of your franchise QB’s surgically repaired shoulder. So he is only going to get this LT gig if he can really do it. Will he struggle against KVB, et al? Possibly. But the question is not can he stop KVB on every single down; the question is can he stop KVB (or whomever) more consistently than Salaam can? If the answer is yes, then by all means, throw him in there and let him show me that I was wrong when I broke the TV remote after his selection.

Second, though, I am taking some comfort in this little snippet from BRB:

In his first game at right tackle he faced none other than Mario Williams. At his post-draft press conference, Duane was asked to comment about his encounter with Williams.

“I remember that night like it was yesterday. I was two weeks into the position; it was the opener and a night game at NC State. (Mario Williams) is a very intimidating figure. I held my own that night and it was the beginning of my transition. Being able to go against him in practice, he is one of the best defensive ends in the league. I think practicing against him will be great for me and will help me.”

He started at right tackle for two full seasons before moving over to left tackle in his senior year. In those three years, Brown racked up 42 consecutive starts.

In his senior season, Brown boasted an outstanding 89% blocking consistency average. By comparison, the overall first pick in the 2008 NFL draft, Jake Long, had an 88% blocking consistency rating in his final year at Michigan.

As we all remember, Mario was a bad motor scooter in college. If Brown really did hold his own against Super Mario in his first ever game as a tackle, then he has some serious natural-born talent hidden away in there. And, for all the effort he gave us last year, that is something that Ephraim Salaam just doesn’t really possess.

Of course, if I am wrong to optimistic now (and, conversely, right to have been pissed on Draft Day), I reserve the right to give him a horrible nickname and point out again and again that we already had a ZBS LT on the roster in Eric Winston. I’m a fickle mofo like that.

If there’s one thing on which we can rely on Pancakes (except for cleaning his plate with his tongue), it’s his ability to be the Texans’ stenographer.  In his latest dictation, Pancakes is told that:

Even though (Duane) Brown played left tackle for only one season and offensive tackle for just three seasons at Virginia Tech, he’s going to get a baptismal by fire. In other words, assistant head coach Alex Gibbs and offensive line coach John Benton are going to put him in and let him learn on the run.

*gulp*

I’m not sure how much of this was strategized (heh) by the coaching staff in the off-season because it seems more like happy/life-threatening coincidence than anything else.  However, if the coaches do expect Brown to start right off the bat, then that explains why we kept Rosie Rosenfels, signed Quinn Gray, and drafted Alex Brink.  It could also explain why we’ve been trying to lure Commander Cody Carlson out of retirement {scours Internet for proof of rumor.  Can’t find it.}  Awww, fuck it, you read it here first!

I’m not saying Brown can’t handle LT…in two or three years, that is.  There simply aren’t many college tackles whose names don’t rhyme with Darcus NcPeel who can start and play at a high level in the NFL their rookie season.  That Brown has only been an OL for three years and a LT for one just magnifies the dysfunction of this decision.

Of course, the sense of urgency is driven by the fact that we’ll only get a year or two out of Alex Fucking Gibbs (h/t Steph).  I can’t blame the man for wanting to get his pet into the starting lineup ASAFP, but I’m not looking forward to Brown matching up with Kyle “Baby Eating-Sister Fucker” Vanden Bosch, Dwight “Kitten Crusher” Freeney, and Derrick “Peaches” Harvey twice a year.  Just scary, actually.

Brown is a project, and while I am normally for “trial by fire,” I think that we are taking our QB’s health a little too lightly with this decision.

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Echoing Matt, thanks to everybody who stops by to visit.  Life’s been extremely stressful lately, which is why I haven’t been too talkative, but I sincerely appreciate y’all.

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Finally, is there a better hard reporter covering the Texans these days than SOLIS?  His work simply embarrasses those who should be doing this kind of reporting for a living (aka, the entire staff of the Comicle).  Well done, man.

This past Saturday, this blog’s first birthday came and went with barely any mention on my part. I am a bad blogparent, I suppose. It’s not that we didn’t realize it was coming; hell, BFD and I tried to come up with some kind of cool promotion/blowout/shameless whoring that would excite all the readers. There was even talk of him table dancing while dressed like Darcy Maeda.Alas, none of it came to pass. We are nothing if not busy. And lazy. Mainly lazy, really.

ANYWAY…I didn’t want to completely miss the chance to say “thanks” to all the readers who have stopped by over the first year. We ended Saturday at just over 85,000 hits–even if you discount the two hits per day I put on that counter (work and home), that is still damn impressive for a little potty-mouthed blog with almost no promotion.

But enough tooting my own horn (which sounds dirty, but isn’t). The point of this post is to thank all of you who read DGDB&D on a daily basis. An extra-special thanks goes out to those of you who have cut-and-paste stuff we’ve written here on other websites and credited us for it and to those of you who email us stories/blurbs/bizarre conversation ideas regularly.

I know I’ve said it before, but allow me to say it again. My biggest thrill from this thing isn’t getting any sort of recognition from national media. I’ll take word of mouth and people who comment regularly over that other stuff any day. You guys are the reason we keep writing and, thankfully, the reason we strive to put out good product any time we post. There is no better editor alive than thirty or forty intelligent commenters who will straight call you out when you are off-base.

Enough of this sappiness. We now return you to your regularly scheduled curse words, already in progress.