DGDB&D: a Texans blog. » Travis Johnson composes his wedding vows
Travis Johnson composes his wedding vows
by MattTravis Johnson: (to self) OK, Trav…you gots to get these vows done. OK…here we go…
(takes out pad and crayon and begins to write) Baby, u so fine, I want to suck u like a smokt nekbone.
Frank Okam: (entering lockerroom) Hey, Trav, what’s up?
Johnson: Shut your ass, rookie. Can’t you see I am trying to think here?
Okam: Think about what? What are you writing?
Johnson: Damn, you a nosy motherfucker. Shit. I’m trying to write my motherfuckin’ wedding vows. The woman says we have to write our own so they be special. She knows I ain’t wrote nuthin’ since high school.
Okam: You mean college?
Johnson: D-d-d0 I stutter, you rookie asshole? No, I mean HIGH SCHOOL.
Okam: Oh, yeah, I totally forgot you went to Florida State. My bad. Well, uh, I could give you some help on this if you want.
Johnson: The fuck do you know about wedding vows?
Okam: Well, not much per se, but I tend to write well. And I’m willing to help. (glances at paper) And based on what you have so far, it’s probably a good idea for you to let someone help. Assuming you actually want her to say “I do,” I mean.
Johnson: The fuck is wrong with what I have so far? That’s some romantical shit right there, rookie. You ain’t got no idea how bitches think. They don’t want some lovey Homeo and Juliet making out on the Eiffel Tower shit. That shit is for the gays. Like Trent Green would probably whisper that kinda shit.
Okam: (looking confused)…on the…Eif–nevermind. (has epiphany) OK, fine, you’re probably right; you’ve got way more life experience than I. How about I just help you with some ideas and help you proofread it?
Johnson: I guess that’s cool. So, after the neckbone bit, I was going to go into detail about how much I love her.
Okam: Sounds like a plan.
Johnson: Something like this:
Baby, I luv u mor than I luv getin relly high and watching old kung-fu movies.
Okam: Hmm.
Johnson: What?
Okam: Oh, nothing. Just considering how great the woman must be. That’s all.
Johnson: Yeah, she pretty fly. No doubt about that. So, then, I thought I’d tell her how much she means to me.
Baby, u meen mor to me than my PS3, my 22s, and that time I got to hang out with Jamie Foxx and ride arond in his limo and shit.
Okam: Pure poetry, man. Go on, though. Tell her why she means so much to you.
Johnson: Yeah, dawg! Good call.
Baby, u are so speshul to me because u done had my kids.
Okam: That’s it?
Johnson: More? How about
And becuze u luv me and becuze u don’t mind how much I swet when we be sexin cuz u understand that Houston is one humid mutherfucker.
Okam: Awesome.
Johnson: Then, finally, I thought I’d get all deep on her ass and tell her how because of her, I understand what love really is.
Okam: (genuinely shocked) Seriously? Preach on it, man.
Johnson: Yeah, so, like
Baby, u no I never understude why Jay-Z didn’t put the song Encore last on the Black Album if that was relly suppost to be his final album. I mean, shit, the last verse says “this heres the victry lap and I’m leevin’;” don’t that sound like the way to end an album? But luv ain’t neer as confuzin as that shit–when I am with u, I understan that love is what I feel in my heart.
Okam: (relieved) Fantastic, man. She is going to love it. Great job.
Johnson: Thanks, rookie fag. Now, I gots to go memorize this stuff.(Johnson leaves)
Okam: (to self) Yes, go memorize your little vows, Travis. I can’t wait for her to hear them, either. BWAHAHA! I will destroy you, Travis. Yes, DESTROY! And then the starting Nose Tackle job shall be mine!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
To Be Continued…
May 13th, 2008 by Matt 2008 Draft, Corky Johnson, Fake Conversations with Real People, Frank Okam is an evil genius, God hates ugly, Okam's Razor, Travis Johnson Trackback
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May 13th, 2008 at 9:25 am
these posts are the best. it’s like soap opera meets action movie. i love that Okam has a maniacal laugh. the best part about these is that they’re more than just posts. you’ve got whole story arcs.
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May 13th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Okam as a plotting super-villain. Priceless, man. Just priceless.
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May 13th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Might have earned you a “get out of hell for a day” card but, you’ll have to call the Vatican!?
The “smokt nekbone” is brilliant!
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May 13th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Dramatic. Daddy like.
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May 13th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Okam = Supervillan = Kingpin
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May 13th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Okam has been watching too much South Park. His laugh resembles Professor Chaos!
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May 13th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Not to stir up anything, but Okam went to UT, which has produced some pretty rock-headed athletes over the years
Actually maybe that explains why people questioned his dedication to football. After spending years with the like of Radio and other UT “student”-athletes, Okam probably would have given an arm to be around somebody with a brain. That might be the reason Bentley’s Northwestern educated ass makes the team.
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May 13th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
@7 — Do your homework on Okam before making generalizations. He’s more intelligent than you think you might be.
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May 13th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…..
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May 13th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
@7: The reason his dedication to football is questioned is because of his desire to go to law school. He wants to be a law-talking person…not that you necessarily need to be smart to do that. I mean, how hard is it to take pictures of dicks all day? And, often times, for no particular reason.
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May 13th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
@10: *Ouch*
Is it a legal brief or in the briefs of an illegal?
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May 13th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
@ Shake
That’s exactly what I mean. Okam is damn intelligent, and 4 years of hanging around tards like Vince Young and some of the others on the Longhorns could easily have contributed to his disinterest in football. That’s why I’m glad he’ll have Bentley and Kalu (Northwestern and Rice) to keep his smart ass happy.
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May 14th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Awesome. If he’s captain chaos, who is going to be General Disarray?
“Totally Romantical” I’m going to have to remember that shit for the GF. Matt, you remember she has the credit for coming up with the “Sandy Vag” drink in honor of Carr…LOL>
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May 14th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
@12 DMSITE — My bad. Misread your paragraph, but I’m going to claim that you mistyped it. See, now I’m not at fault for anything. Ever.
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May 14th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
So if Will Demps, Kevin Bentley, Travis Johnson, and Frank Okam all hung out, would it be just in your head?
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May 15th, 2008 at 7:54 am
@15 - the real question is: would they all fit on the bitchephant?
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May 15th, 2008 at 10:31 am
God, there’s nothing like a well-timed BWHAHAHAHA. It’s the BWA that makes it. BWA: it’s not just a shitty airport anymore.
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May 15th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
I’m just glad to have a Longhorn on the team. And anyone making “Radio” cracks is 1. Obviously an aggy and 2. Someone I’m laughing at because they don’t realize that their athletes aren’t exactly geniuses either
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May 15th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
@ 18 - You’re right about me being an Aggie, but let’s not mince words here, every college protects its athletes from classes if they need to, and even “smart” schools are no exception based on my experiences touring Rice. That’s why guys like Okam, DJ Augustin, and Stephen McGee are impressive for not letting themselves fall into that trap. However, none of that makes it any less funny that Vince Young scored a single digit number on his Wonderlic. Thus VY=Radio.
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May 15th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I can’t wait to hear your story about Jerome Mathis getting cut by the ’skins today.