A post wherein I rip on some things I hate
May 21, 2008 Fuck the Cowboys, Had to post something, Inflamed body parts, Overrated, Travis Johnson, Vince Young can't read this post
Dallas Cowboys. You know what I would do if I’d just made a big deal about landing Darren McFadden Lite in the first round of the NFL Draft? I’d turn around and give ANOTHER RB on my team $45 MM ($16 MM guaranteed). Yep, and I’d do this even though, for whatever reason, that RB was not even the starter for most of last season. Then I’d feel really good about this move when that RB’s agent said, [n]ow that he’s going to be the starter and one of the highest-paid players at his position, you’ll see his coming-out party,” suggesting that, had I paid him better earlier, I might not have needed to draft the second RB.
(Yes, I know that the “explanation” as it were is that “you need two RBs in this league,” though I seriously doubt the people who say that are suggesting that you need two highly-paid RBs, both of whom feels he should be the starter. Moreover, I’m not entirely sure that you need two starter-quality RBs at all. Sure, it’s nice, but the Pats have gotten by without two just fine. The Colts are a strange situation because they block so well that scrubs suddenly become solid starters. And it’s not like the Cowboys–who had a two-headed RB the last two years–have fared all that well when it really mattered.)
As a pre-emptive aside, if any Cowboys fans are reading this and feel the need to comment with something like “TRY GETING TO TEH PLAYOFS BEFOR U TALK SHIT,” please remember three things: (1) your team has won exactly as many playoffs games as the Texans during the Texans’ existence; (2) while you have made the playoffs, all you’ve done is this: 
; and (3) your mother is a worthless whore.
Tennessee Titans. I know this is old, but I can’t stop laughing at the “Vince Young partying with other half-naked drunk dudes” photos. My favorite is this one–
–mainly because Elroy the Naked Fat Redneck seems to be cracking that one dude up while Vince plays shy and hard-to-get. “Oh, these tats…yeah…I just…I dunno…I think they kind of make a statement about who I am. Say, that’s a nice beard/shaved head thing you’ve got workin’.”
Travis Johnson. “Inflamed pelvis?” Really??? AWESOME! (For comedic-writing purposes, not for your day-to-day well-being.) I guess that dick isn’t quite so holy, huh? You got gypped by the Pope!
(click arrow to reply)
May 21st, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Actually Matt, I’m almost 100% positive that that is current Texans guard Kasey Studdard. Who all the scouting reports praised for his “nastiness”. So yeah. Have fun thinking about that.
(click arrow to reply)
May 21st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Oh, god. I feel dirty.
(click arrow to reply)
May 21st, 2008 at 7:44 pm
How the hell did you not know that Matt? Kasey Studdard is very recognizable man.
He is still a bad mama jama and will destroy DLs when given the chance.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:33 am
Hah, ya’ll beat me to it. Definitely Studdard. I could pick that beard out of a line-up of loggers and mountain men.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:15 am
Marion Barber may not have been starting in Dallas, but he was definitively the better RB between him and Julius Jones. He probably deserved the money he got, although it still makes no sense to do that in the same year you draft his likely replacement.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:15 am
@TBL: Agreed on all points.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:25 am
Studdard…how could you?
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:36 am
So what you are saying is that your new nickname for Kasey Studdard is Elroy the Naked Fat Redneck? It may be a double standard, but I truly believe that rocking the Naked Fat Redneck look is perfectly acceptable for one of your offensive linemen. Hell, it might be a plus factor. However, given the sort of money QB’s make, you really don’t want your franchise quarterback wandering about a bar shirtless chugging tequila out of the bottle.
If a late round draft pick linemen screws up, woopdefreakingdo. If your third pick in the draft, well paid quarterback screws up, well then it can tool over your franchise. It’s not that what Vince did was so bad, it just shows an absolute lack of judgement for someone who is coming off a season where INTs were easier to get than TDs. Not. My. Problem.
Jerry Jones wants to become Al Davis East but without the outfit and groovy glasses.
His method of running a team:
Get great coach
Run great coach off because Jerrah wants more control and credit.
Gravy off of old coach’s effort.
Think that drafting Quincy Carter as your franchise quarterback is a good idea.
Suckage.
Have so much suckage that he wants to hire great coach to fix it.
Hire great coach.
Run great coach off because Jerrah wants more control and credit.
Gravy off of old coach’s effort.
So I guess we should just prepare for the suckage.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:38 am
BTW, you can never ever show enough of the first picture in this post. If I were ever to rock a game room in my house, I would get a large version of that picture framed for my wall.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:57 am
Given Studdard’s intimate involvement with the shirtless picture above, I prefer to imagine that said picture was never taken. I’ve never seen it. I will never see it. It does not exist. It’s as imaginary as unicorns, mermaids, and the Casserly/Capers era.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:00 am
Yeah, that’s probably the best approach. Never happened.
–
Here is where I would put the “all they raise in Texas are steers and queers” joke…you know, if that picture really existed.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:20 am
I threw up.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:05 am
@steph: I am absolutely stealing your idea of the framed photo above for my parlor. You’ve just given me a reason to put a parlor in my house. Thank you!!
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:06 pm
If it can help you cope, you can pretend that Kasey Studdard is me. I’m no where near NFL lineman size, and have all my hair… but if the opposite were true – that very well could have been me. So there. I’ll take one for the team.
I was prancing around topless w/ Radio. It was a March of Dimes charity event… and I needed the community service hours, or something like that.
(click arrow to reply)
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
@14: It does help. Please thank Bizzaaro SOLIS for Dancing With ‘Tards (to steal one from our host) and saving dear Kasey the embarrassment. Although, you should advise him to ask that the retards he’s working with keep their clothing on during the events. It sheds a bad light on people who work with retards everywhere, and it apparently drives other retards into a tizzy.
(click arrow to reply)
May 26th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
@Matt:Here is where I would put the “all they raise in Texas are steers and queers” joke
Ok Matt, take it back or I tell em about your blow up sheep!