Maybe, you know, just don’t wear a shirt
Jun 26, 2008 Bad Idea Jeans, Federal Pound Me In The Ass Prison, Inanity, Mark Chmura fucked the babysitter
I don’t know why I keep quoting Tim, other than it is just a cheap form of lede for my posts and I am all about taking the easy way out. THAT SAID, Tim once told me that no man over the age of, I believe, 21 was allowed to wear a jersey in public.
Now, that is certainly debateable. Still, if I may offer some advice to person in this pic I took today, I think when your options are following Tim’s advice or wearing the jersey of a disgraced alleged sex offender, you should probably side with Timmy. No matter how big a Packers fan you are.
On a related note, it is REALLY hard to get a picture of someone surreptitiously out your drivers’ side window as you roll past them without said picture being dark and/or blurry.
On an unrelated note, that’s a whole lot of pics/videos for you people today, relatively speaking. Don’t go getting spoiled or anything.
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
As I’ve told everyone that’s every told me anything about what I wear, fuck you, I’ll wear what I want. And I like jerseys, I’ve played a lot of sports, even on the college level, I’ll wear a jersey if I please. I’m not sure why everyone feels like they need to worry about what others wear.
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I’ve played a lot of sports too, but I still used to have an issue with people wearing jerseys… but then Crocs and Capri pants were born. Now I concentrate on hating on those. Jerseys, eh - go for it.
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But I think Matt’s bigger point is - hey, if you must wear a jersey, why not go with a non-rapist, like Michael Vick? Seems like a fair point.
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Oh - forgot to add - I never wore them, but I own both a Hakeem Olajuwon and Warren Moon jersey.
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
But I think Matt’s bigger point is - hey, if you must wear a jersey, why not go with a non-rapist, like Michael Vick? Seems like a fair point.
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Exactly. On the list of jerseys not to wear, I can’t think of too many that might be worse than Chmura. Rae Carruth, maybe? Hell, even Najeh “I pooped in a hamper” Davenport would be more acceptable.
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Well I’ll be damned. I must not have got the memo - because I still rock gameday jerseys.
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!Pa que sepas, putos!
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Full disclosure - if I were in great physical shape, I would happily wear a Mario jersey. I don’t know, I just don’t want to be the fat guy in a jersey.
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I want a Billy “White Shoes” Johnson jersey. Seriously. That would so fucking rock.
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
@DHC: yeah, that’s my issue. I’m pretty sure Mario doesn’t think he’s a short, bald, fat, white guy with bad knees. Oops, and let’s not forget that small penis.
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
@ 7.BFD: I firmly stand by the exception to the rule that any jerseys worn for statement purposes (say, for instance, a Mike Vick jersey if you were solidly anti-PETA) and classic jerseys of a favorite player are excepted from the rule.
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I also propose an exception for official (read: $150) jersey with sewn on numbers and names.
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Full disclosure: I have a collection of jerseys of players with the last name Campbell, including both the Lakers and Pistons versions of Elden Campbell and an English soccer jersey of some dude (#7) named Campbell. I have no friends.
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@ 6.DHC: I love it when fat dudes wear cornerback jerseys for some reason. I saw an enormous dude tailgating wearing a Dunta jersey and it looked like it needed another “2″.
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June 26th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
I shook Mario’s hand a few weeks back at the Texan’s/Reliant HR derby while wearing my battle red jersey. I’m 6′3 though, but I am bald and on the chubby side right now. He said “Nice jersey and gave my 2 year old a high five”. Last year Ken Griffey Jr. gave him a high five and this year it was Mario. 600 HRs for Griffey this year, maybe 20 sacks for Mario?
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June 26th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
@6 Matt- Would that be Sol Campbell?
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FWIW I have a battle red Schaub jersey and I will proudly wear it every Sunday during the season. It’s the only football jersey I own.
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June 26th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I’m currently debating my jersey purchases for the year. All of my jerseys are of Chiefs players that are no longer on the team. I have decided to cross over to the “dark side”, and purchase my very first Texans Jersey. The problem is…who is has the nicest ass (yes, that is my primary reason for watching the game), isn’t a baby fucker, puppy killer, cock fighter, wife beater, or likes to dress his wife in drag? I’ll gladly take suggestions.
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June 26th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
@ WF4F: I have ZERO idea.
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@ Foomey: Go with Will Demps. Because the idea of you in a Demps jersey cracks me the fuck up.
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June 26th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
@ Foomey: Also, Chiefs fans are the primary reason I hate the Chiefs, having lived in Lee’s Summit for 8 years.
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June 26th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
@Matt: Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll do it, only because I trust that when I take a picture of myself wearing it…your left ass cheek will fall off from laughing. I knew there was a reason why we are both so fucked up. It’s the whole KC thing. I never had the pleasure of living on the MO side of town, but I did grow up in OP, KS. Bad enough. My “home page” should give you enough material to make the right ass cheek fall off.
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June 26th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
@ Oddly enough, I’d rather be homeless in KC than live ANYWHERE in St. Louis. Those people can die in a fire for all I care.
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OPKS was only good for three things: That huge fucking mall, a fairly good fireworks display at the community college…and…um…ok, TWO things.
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June 26th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Did I just go to a fucking myspace page???
*Scratches eyes out with disembodied hand*
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June 26th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
@ BFD: Full disclosure — I have a myspace page, solely so bigwood25 will stop bugging me to get one.
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I would understand if you quit the blog.
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June 26th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Disembodied hand? Wouldn’t an embodied hand be easier? Or silverware?
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June 26th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
NFL Football is an event. A privilege. There’s only 8 regular season games. You need to wear gear to represent. The best fans always wear gear. Geared up fans are always the best to hang with. My rules for the population at large and not my own personal unique rules:
1. Gameday jersey is best. Doesn’t have to be official but is nice if you can afford it. Just enough to show your team pride. If you feel self-conscious doing this, you are hanging at the wrong tailgate.
2. Team t-shirt is second best. Extra points if you made your own funny one that isn’t so vulgar that it prevents you from enterting the stadium.
3.Wear colors that are unrelated to your team means that you think you are too cool to actually demonstrate to others that you have pride in your team. Look at me, I am indifferent to what I wear. You don’t wear jeans to black tie events, and you don’t wear a freaking yellow shirt to a Texans game. Actually yellow looks bad on most everyone so you shouldn’t wear that anyway.
4. Wear jerseys of teams not playing that day means you want to be cold cocked by some drunk guy. I will just think of punching that guy hard in the face, but I won’t do it. He might know in his head that I am thinking it because I am thinking it very loud.
5. I can think of no explanation for wearing that jersey in your picture.
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June 27th, 2008 at 5:01 am
@BFD:(as foomey hangs head low enough to get hit by his gravatar’s huge balls) You did. Some of us just aren’t as fortunate to be part of the greatest blog in the world, and are forced to participate in other public forums. If I were to start a blog-site, I would have to call it “Balls and B-B-Q”. Problem is that I don’t think it would go over too well.
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June 27th, 2008 at 6:56 am
Steph, I would like to add to your number 4 with permission.
And if you allow your child to wear the jersey of someone playing that day, you are 1. a cheap mofo that needs to get your kid a jersey of your team and 2. need to teach your child some loyalty
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June 27th, 2008 at 7:14 am
I feel the need to expound upon my feelings regarding the donning of jerseys:
1. Girls/Women can and should always wear jerseys, regardless of age. They look hot.
2. Boys/Dudes may rock jerseys until they reach the age of 18, at which time they should sell out and begin wearing attire for preppy d-bags (see, e.g., yours truly).
3. “Preppy D-Bag attire” is defined as “collared team shirt.” In other words, a shirt the coaches would wear on the sidelines. With regard to your Houston Texans, there are countless manufacturers of such shirts.
4. Team t-shirts are acceptable at any age or for any gender, though seriously…women look hot in jerseys. I cannot emphasize that point enough.
5. While I believe one should always wear the attire of the team they are there to support, the wearing of simple team colors will suffice in a pinch.
Then again, what the hell do I know? I wore a skull cap every fall Saturday afternoon, in public and at private parties, for the better part of three (3) years when a certain QB was making magic on the Forty Acres. Did this make me the only Caucasian male in the United States to wear a skull cap? Quite possibly. Did it make me look like the biggest assclown in the world? Most definitely.
I have no regrets.
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June 27th, 2008 at 7:23 am
I didn’t get my Battle Red DeMeco jersey signed just so it could sit in a closet and collect dust. On gameday, draft day, or any other fan events, the rules about jersey-appropriate ages get lifted. In other words, when at a football game, maybe a sense of decorum isn’t what you should be most worried about. Just go nuts.
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June 27th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Since I’m the one who brought it up — and I apologize to Tim for leaving him out there like that — I might as well throw in my two cents. I am actually somewhere in the middle of the two camps. I have no problem with people wearing jerseys to games, nor do I have any problem with people wearing those same jerseys to sports bars if your team is out of town and you are watching the game there. I do, however, cringe when grown men are wearing jerseys just as their random everyday shirt. Unless they are rappers…then it’s ok.
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Also, Tim is exactly correct that Chicks + Jerseys = Teh Hottz.
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June 27th, 2008 at 7:32 am
But, still, the bigger point here is A RANDOM BLACK MAN IN A FUCKING HARD HAT WAS WEARING A MARK CHMURA JERSEY ON THE STREETS OF LITTLE ROCK!!!!
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June 27th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Yes, I have a GaySpace page. Yes, I talked Matt into getting one also. I have a ton of pull with that guy.
Jerseys? While I certainly think there’s a case to be made that any self-respecting adult male shouldn’t be walking around with another man’s name on his back, I must admit I generally wear personalized jerseys to baseball and football games. The cheap screen-printed ones. Usually of a player that’s retired with that team (Marshall Faulk, Mark McGwire). But I even busted out an old crusty Shaq Lakers jersey when I watched Game 1 of the this year’s Finals at Matt’s.
Matt’s “Campbell collection” of jerseys is awesome. Still patiently waiting for the first Woodmansee to make a pro sports league so I can get that. Ok, not holding my breath.
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June 27th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Polos Shmolos
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I love jerseys.
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Continuing the theme of full disclosures:
I won’t wear one unless it’s gameday, but I’ll rock one pretty much anywhere they are showing the game.
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In an aside -
I’m falling off the grid for a week - going to Chicago. In the mean time, I’ll leave you with some classic Ferrell: I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I’m a Division Manager in charge of 49 people!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!
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June 27th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
@Solis- Let me know if you need anything while in Chicago. I know people.
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June 27th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
“YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! I MAKE THIRTY-FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR!!”
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June 27th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Solis - your use of pa que sepas, puto was awesome. So awesome, that you could become a cowboys fan or even, i shudder after three years in new england, a patriots fan and i’d still have a crush on your ass.
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June 27th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
And for the record: yes on jerseys for women (HOT), definitely yes on gameday jerseys, and hell fucking no to ratty nonsewn-on number jerseys at any other time. So the Juggernaut has spoken. So let it be done.
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June 27th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
@Matt: Stacy just gave me the skinny on Will Demps, and told me to look for a vid link where he was hitting on a female sportscaster. Couldn’t find it. Link me, baby! Gotta see it. I do love the “fake conversations” with him. I will soon be able to snatch the grasshopper from your hand, master!
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June 27th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Is that what Matt calls it these days….”his grasshopper”?
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June 27th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Well, I WAS calling it “DeMeco,” but his lawyer caught wind of it and sent me a strongly worded email. And my wife vetoed “Serpentor The Anaconda Of Death” as being intellectually dishonest. So it was either “grasshopper” or “Fred.”
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June 27th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
“Fred” has potential. As long as we’re talking about Fred Smoot.
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June 27th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Nah. Fred Rogers. Won’t you be my neighbor?
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June 27th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
You like little kids Matt?
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June 28th, 2008 at 4:40 am
@Matt:You have now given me enough material for a really wicked improv routine that may just end up on your voicemail one day.
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June 28th, 2008 at 8:11 am
@26 Matt
That’s what I was thinking.
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June 28th, 2008 at 9:37 am
@ 38. Lee: You’re not trying to marry yours off already, are ya?
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June 28th, 2008 at 11:40 am
I’ve decided that while the jersey is bad enough, it’s definitely the color-coordinated hardhat that pushes things way over the edge.
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June 28th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
@Matt - No, one’s only two and the other isn’t here till late August, I got a ways to go before I let them marry off anyone that isn’t smart enough to live in Texas
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June 28th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
I’ll guess I’ll go ahead and weigh in on the whole jersey debate. Chicks in jerseys = good. Chicks in jerseys without bras = excellent. As for men, the last jersey I owned had a #7 and Pastorini on the back of it. Enough said.
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@ Matt & Foomey: I’ve decided that Foomey’s dad got his freak on with Matt’s mom back in the day and they’re actually brother and sister. Can we call them Luke and Leia from now on? The force is very strong with both of them.
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June 29th, 2008 at 6:50 am
I think I’ve found one of the Jerseys I will get. #80 “A. Johnson”. I can’t pass up the opportunity to say that I’m wearing “A. Johnson”. Geez…I crack myself up!
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June 29th, 2008 at 9:58 am
@ 45. Foomey: If you wear the jersey while you’re wearing a strap on, you can say that you’re wearing two johnsons. nice.
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June 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I’ve decided it would be okay and not insulting to Andre or the Texans if the strap on was incredibly large and black or blue and red with a Texans logo.
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June 29th, 2008 at 10:12 am
@Stacy: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
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June 29th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Damn it. I forgot to set the DVR to record every Sunday morning’s “stacy vs. Foomey”.
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June 29th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
@Shake: You might as well set your DVR to Monday through Sunday. This shit goes on daily. Act now, and I’ll throw in a year’s worth of popcorn for only $9.99. Call within the next 10 minutes, and I’ll double your order. That’s right, Shake…TWO WHOLE YEARS OF POPCORN FOR ONLY $9.99. Where else are you going to find a deal that good? NOWHERE! So…hurry…don’t dilly-dally…call 1-800-Foomey-Kicks-Stacy’s-Ass-On-A-Daily-Basis to take advantage of this one-time offer. Remember…just $9.99 for two years of popcorn.*
*Plus $99.99 for S&H
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June 29th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
THAT IS SO NOT A REAL PHONE NUMBER. DUH.
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June 29th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Blonde, female AND from Kansas…….inferior intellect. No wonder she’s such a whore.
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June 29th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
@Stac: Just because you couldn’t take the x-large strap-on last night doesn’t give you the right to lash out at me…
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June 29th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Oh please. Like I would let any of your diseased toys anywhere near my general vicinity much less any pore or orifice on my body. That’s called Staying Alive 101…. you’re what we normal folk would call “at risk”.
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June 29th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
That phone number probably calls somewhere in Afghanistan. Fucking terrorist. Take your goddamn jihad somewhere else.
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June 29th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
“Normal”? Who the f**k are you kidding? You’re the one who had both fists up my ass a few weeks ago. Don’t pretend, baby. We can keep working you up to the XL dong. I’ll just have to get some more tranny fluid next time.
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June 29th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
@ Foomey/@ Stacy: You both terrify me. I’m locking the door to my mom’s basement tonight and setting my phaser to “incapacitate.”
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June 29th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
@ Tim: We’re always looking for a gimp.
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June 30th, 2008 at 1:03 am
@Tim: I need some clarification. Does your mother’s basement actually hold a gimp, or are you living there? If so, you should watch “Failure to Launch”.
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June 30th, 2008 at 8:15 am
@ Stacy: I appreciate your offer, but I have to pass at this time. It’s just not a good time for me to change careers.
@ Foomey: As required by Section III.D of The International Blogger Act of 1998, I reside in my mother’s basement. If I moved out, I’d have to stop blogging. It’s a fairly steadfast rule: You cannot blog from anywhere outside your mother’s basement.
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June 30th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
@Tim: I think bloggers that live at home are HOT! I’d still keep your basement door locked…extra tight! Actually…you’re safe for 2 weeks, while I molest cabana boys in Hawaii.
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July 6th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
@Matt - You should put some advertising on the site, there is no way that these exchanges won’t get you top dollar