DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

No accountability for saying the wrong guy got cut.

You get to put up a bunch of shit and call it a blog post.

I’ve had an uber-tough/shitty week at work, and every time I see this sort of shit, I die a little.  I really do.  These guys can fuck up for a living, and if I do, I lose my job.

/worthless and helpless cathartic moment

Dear Paul,

It was with much interest that I read your moronic fluffing deeply insightful article on Houston’s most wanted favorite son, David Carr, aka Mr. Mittens.  As a tribute to your l33t reporting skills, I will give your article the proper respect it deserves: a full-on Fisking.

Let’s begin, shall we?

ALBANY - David Carr plans on using the Giants. The Giants plan on using David Carr.

Holy crap.  You actually write for a living?  Write in English?  And for a major newspaper?  I’d say this is cliched, but you’d probably just take it one day at a time.

“I told Coach [Tom] Coughlin I want to help the team any way I can, and I’m looking for them to help me as well,” a relaxed Carr said yesterday in between practice sessions at Giants training camp. “If we can both do that, it’s going to be positive for everybody.”

Hmmmmm, yes, I can see how this is an important quote to have in your “paper.”  A player says a cliche, and you are more than happy to gobble it up.  Well done!!!  That’s the precise definition of journamalism!

Consider this the ultimate user relationship.

What in the fuck does that mean?  I have no idea.  Please clarify.

This can be viewed as the last roundup for Carr, 29, who in 2002 was the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft, a great honor that devolved into a great headache when he languished within the moribund offense that was the Houston Texans.

Wow, where to begin.  Last roundup, you say?  Nice Texas reference, if it was at all amusing.  A “moribund offense,” you say?  Did it ever occur to you that the weak-working pretty boy was a primary reason for that “moribund offense?”  Do you think that the guy who didn’t attend team meetings and showed no passion for the sport might be a cause of the “moribund offense?”  My Durga, you are a fucking moron.

Five years later, he was mercifully released, the best option for his body and mind…

…to say nothing of Texans’ fans bodies and minds…

…and last season struggled through an unsatisfying and unsuccessful one-and-done stay with the Panthers.

Lemme guess.  That was the fault of the Texans, as well?  It had nothing to do with the fact the guy played dead on the field more than a passive opossum?

Can a career in tatters be repaired by the Super Bowl champions?

W.T.F?  Do you mean to infer that Super Bowl champions have some super-healing powers like de Leon’s Fountain of Youth?

“Being around a good group, guys who had the camaraderie these guys had, I watched them all through the playoffs, that was neat to see, man,” Carr said. “You don’t see that at this level, you see it in college and high school, there are no selfish guys. Seemed like the place I wanted to be.”

Because it is a proven fact that the Texans have 14 guys on death row, so this obviously makes sense.

This is a one-year trial for Carr, who after 262 career sacks - including a ghastly 76 as a rookie - is looking to reclaim the form and confidence that once made him a hot commodity. The backup role for the Giants is the cushiest job around, as long as Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning remains healthy.

No, the cushiest job around is being a writer for the New York Post because you have no editor, no knowledge, and no accountability.

Given the impossibility of Manning getting unseated, the security of five returning offensive linemen and the winning attitude permeating the franchise, Carr hopes he can get himself right in a pressure-free and hospitable environment and then head elsewhere to reclaim a starting role.

If there was one part of this article that proved you have no idea about football, this was it.  Your argument is, basically, that if he can hold a clipboard without dropping it or tripping over his own feet, it’s proof that he’s suddenly of starter quality?  And New York is a “pressure-free and hospitable environment?”  Personally, I’d like to know how you are still alive because breathing and walking at the same time must be terribly confusing for you.

One caveat: He first has to make the team.

But…but…but…it’s all the Texans’ fault!!!!  By himself, Zoolander is a god!  You’ve spent the entire article telling me so!

Carr missed the first handful of practices with a sore foot (plantar fasciitis) and watched while last year’s backup, Anthony Wright, hit the ground running.

Texans’ fault.  And, once again, this sentence negates everything above.  Your ability to self-contradict is awesome.

“He has been good in camp,” Coughlin said.

There you go again.  He missed practice, but he looks good in camp.  You are the one who inserted this quote, asshole, and you’d better be able to justify it.

Wright, 32, is in his 10th NFL season and a journeyman. If the Giants truly believed in him, they would not have signed Carr to a one-year deal. The No. 3 quarterback spot likely is reserved for rookie Andre’ Woodson.

Wow, you cited some facts and you didn’t fuck it up.  Well done.

Despite his pedigree, Carr is no lock.

But you spent the first part of this article telling me how nothing was Carr’s fault.  Ever.

This version is skinnier, has shaved off almost all his hair and certainly has been humbled.

Kick ass!  We have found the keys to his world domination!  If he wasn’t a dirty fucking hippie while he was with the Texans, he would’ve been good!

His offensive coordinator in Houston, Chris Palmer, is the Giants quarterback coach, which is a big plus.

Why?  Because Palmer was so successful with him the first time around?  Because Palmer has suddenly become the best QB coach in the history of man-kind?  Why?  Please tell me why this is good.

The question is whether the pummeling Carr has taken has turned him into a shell-shocked, jittery quarterback.

You really don’t know football, do you?

Asked to sum up his mentality with the protection-challenged Texans, Carr said “Survival, man, I was just trying to get back to my kids.”

And there you have it.  If you had any reason to doubt David Carr’s class or Paul Schwartz’ reporting ability, it’s captured right there.

Mr. Schwartz, let me finish this post with one, simple message: If you are going to report on football, at least take the time to watch a game or two and learn about it.  Otherwise, you’ll just post needless trash like this.

Oh, and FOAD.

Yours in Christ,

bfd

A number of reasons, both Texans- and non-Texans-related, have left me in an incredibly foul mood this afternoon. In the spirit of my disposition, here’s a list of people who need to shut the fuck up.

Jason McIntyre / The Big Lead. Every time you write anything about the NFL, I have this overwhelming urge to throw up all over my computer. Seriously. Your football analysis makes Merrill Hoge sound like Vince Lombardi. The Texans rank 20th in your power rankings, behind the Bucs and the Cardinals and the Bills? Really? You say you base it on “their roster” and “their history,” but I call bullshit. Your football knowledge can be summed up as “this is what ESPN told me to think six months ago.” If you’ll buy a bullet, I’ll loan you a gun so you can just end it and save us all the pain.

Paul Schwartz / NY Post. BFD is going to handle this one later, but, for now, suffice it to say that the only “mercy” that came from Carr’s release was granted TO us, not BY us.  Oh, and fuck you, you ignorant cocksucker.

Anna-Megan Raley.  This week’s topic: Why do you love Mario Williams?  Next week: Why I love to blow football players.

The Kid at Sonic with his employee visor upside-down and backward.  Every day, your father wishes he’d pulled out.  Also, your father probably isn’t who you think it is.

Houston Chronicle.  Brandon Harrison.  Brandon Mitchell.  What, do all Brandons look alike to you, you name-ist dickholes?  Here’s an idea—since no one expects you to have any sort of hot, breaking news, take your fucking time and at least try to get the names right and, maybe, give us a nugget that the AP won’t.  Fuck.

¹ Most little kid books suck. The inspiration for this post title does not.

No link yet, but… A Fox 26 rumor has it that four running backs will be visiting camp today–-Tony Temple (Missouri), Calvin Dawson (UL-Lafayette), J.D. Washington (Denzel’s kid, out of Morehouse), and the aforementioned Mike Bell (Arizona, by way of the Denver Broncos).  Of these, Bell is the known quantity, of course.  Washington has spent two years on the Rams’ practice squad.  I know nothing of Dawson.  Temple, however, is the one who intrigues me.  Maybe it was just the ineptness of the Razorback coaching staff, but Temple took Arkansas’ Ess Eee See Speed and shoved it up their asses, dismantling the Hog defense in the Cotton Bowl.  Regardless, Chris Brown should probably go ahead and pack his bags…or, you know, have someone else do it, since his back is so bad. (h/t Eric)

Brilliant.  I hate linking to PFT, but I’ve seen this other places as well.  Apparently, the Baby-Eating Sister-Fuckers are bringing in Byron Leftwich to work out.  They don’t plan on signing him, but they want to see how he’d fit in the offense, should Radio and Vodka Collins both get injured. Because, clearly, a guy who passes like Vince and runs like Kerry is going to be fantastic. (Eric)

Sticking with the BESFs. It seems Jevon Kearse missed his second straight practice yesterday, this time with knee pain.  He left the morning practice because his foot got stepped on.  Dear Tman, please tell me again how Kearse is going to be an amazing quarterback destroying force this year.  I love a good tall tale. (Yup, Eric)

Finally. Caption time.

Heaven, 12:03 PM GMT, God’s House (which looks a lot like something Gilbert Arenas would design).

God: I don’t get it, Job.  Athletes are constantly giving me credit when they win.  Why is that?  Why the hell should I care who wins in college basketball for example?  I HATE basketball.  And hockey players?  Shit, I hate Canada as a whole.  So, like I said, I don’t get it.  People seem to think I like every sport and every person equally and that, for whatever reason, I bless some teams and some athletes to win like I’m a benevolent Tim Donaghy or some shit.

Job: Yeah, I never understood that.  The ones that crack me up are the diehard Christians who claim you helped them do everything.  Does Jon Kitna really think you would make someone into a mediocre quarterback if you gave a rat’s ass about him?

God: Exactly!  The last QB I helped out was Kurt Warner for a few years, and that had more to do with me thinking his perpetual five o’clock shadow—which I also created—was pretty awesome.  And I got just as much joy from ceasing to help him as I did from seeing him succeed.  Jon Kitna?!?  Please.  Jon Kitna can suck my dick.  Fuck Jon Kitna.

Job: Where’s all this coming from, anyway, dude?

God: Eh, I dunno.  I was thinking about those douchebag Cowboys and them re-incorporating that fucking hole in their new stadium so I could watch.  What a bunch of fucking assholes.  I’ve tried everything through the years—letting Satan buy them, giving them a gay QB, introducing Michael Irvin to coke, making Romo fumble that game-winning FG, consistently making Jacques Reeves look like Petey Faggins—and they STILL think I like them.

Job: Yeah.  Hey, wait.  You did a ton of shit to me, too, and said it was because you “loved” me!

God: Totally different, man.  Totally different.  That was…um…a test.  Anyway, the point is, I fucking HATE the Cowboys.  How can I get this across to them more effectively?  I thought putting Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones on their roster would do the trick, but I guess not.

Job: Hmm.  How about a natural disaster?

God: You mean like another flood?

Job: No, nothing that severe just, I dunno, shake them up a bit.

God: Great idea! (causes massive earthquake) Maybe that’ll teach ‘em!  Suck on shaking earth, you filthy sonsabitches!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Leonard Davis (on Earth): AGGGHHHHH!!! FUCK!!! SHIT GODDAMN!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?  THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!  JESUS, SAVE ME!!!! (breaks down in tears)

Job: Nicely done, man.  Really, top-notch work.  Oh, hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you—did you have a hand in David Tyree’s catch?

God: Of course.

Job: So, does that mean you are a Giants fan?

God: Hell no.  I just cannot fucking stand the Patriots.  Bunch of cheatin’ homos.

Forward Thinking.  Rosy Colvin likes his new team and likes the role of situational pass rusher.  Says Colvin, “I would love to be going forward. A lot of the guys up there in New England used to say all the time when I’d drop back in coverage, ‘Keep that guy going forward.’”

Cinco.  SOLIS has a great run-down of Day Five of Training Camp.

OHMYGOD, STOP THE PRESSES AND HOLD EVERYTHING!!!!! Vince Young was inconsistent in practice yesterday.  This is a shocking and wholly unexpected development.  In other news, the sky is blue, water is wet, and I am a jerk.

Programming Note.  I am kind of busy for the rest of the day, so odds are good that I won’t post anything else before this evening at the earliest.  As always, BFD is at the mercy of his job.  And you thought doing gay fetish porn was easy.

Dear Chris,

I hope this letter finds you not dead.  The reason I’m writing is this: PLEASE don’t make me hate you.

You see, I am a bitter, angry little man and I have more than enough hate to go around.  I give some hate to Travis, I give some hate to Petey, I give some hate to Coach Smith…but I have more.  Lots more. And a good bit of that can and will be yours unless some shit changes.

Thing is, I don’t want to hate you.  Hell, I even told people before camp that you were my darkhorse candidate to be the number one guy this year.  I thought, “hey, here’s a kid with a lot of talent who has just gotten some unlucky breaks.”  Sure, maybe you run so upright one has to wonder if you have something up your ass, but that was no biggie.  I figured you could handle the load and be a surprise 1200-yard back under Coach Gibbs.

Then camp started.  Not for you, though, as you chose to go to a wedding thing.  Hey, I kind of understand that.  Maybe.  I guess.

Actually, no, I don’t.  Plenty of people—even those without football players in their families—plan their weddings so that the nuptials don’t interfere with camp.  These dates are set WAY in advance, man.  If the family member didn’t care enough about having you there to make sure the date wouldn’t interfere with camp, why would you even go?  I honestly don’t get it.

Maybe the wedding was “spur of the moment.” If so, that’s cool…for the couple.  YOU should have said “congrats, but I can’t make it because I am trying to win a job on a football team that will not hesitate to cut me if I suck or do stupid things.”  Because, well, Kubiak will not hesitate to cut you if you suck or do stupid things.

And, yeah, the back spasms aren’t totally your “fault,” per se, but…well…they kind of make you look like a pussy.  I’m just sayin’.  Don’t get me wrong—I have a bad back and I know how painful such spasms can be.  But I also know that they can be treated AND I know that, for me at least, they require me to actually DO SOMETHING before they flare up.  Now, it could be that I am just tougher than you are.  Totally possible.  But, if so, that’s definitely not a good thing.

ANYWAY…yeah, you are really working my last good nerve, bro.  But, because I am trying not to hate you, I have a tiny piece of advice: hike up your skirt and and get on the fucking field NOW, Nancy. It’s really the only way to prevent some serious unpleasantness.

Kissies,
Matt

Novel. Paul Kuharsky is doing a solid job on his AFC South blog for tWWL.  See, Matt Mosley, it is possible to talk about more than just the Dallas Cowboys!  Anyway, he has this blurb yesterday in his discussion of Texans practice:

Chester Pitts told me Sunday the Texans are doing a better job of using the whole field in the run game, and I could see that is the case. It looks like everyone involved in the run game is making progress with the new zone-blocking scheme, though obviously the offensive line isn’t cut-blocking teammates.

It’s an interesting point and one I hadn’t really considered, I guess.  The team was pretty limited in the directions they ran the ball last year, though.  Anything wider than off-tackle was seemingly done with a flare pass rather than a run, for example.  Assuming ol’ Chester is right, that fact alone could make the running game more effective this year.

Yes, sensei! Sticking with Paul for a second, the Texans are your AFC South leaders. In number of coaches, that is.  I’m not sure what to make of this.  On the one hand, it’s probably good for the younger players to have more face time with the staff, both for learning purposes and for better evaluation when it comes time to cut people.  On the other, don’t you wonder if some of that is just trying to cover for weaker coaches without firing them?  I’m looking at you, Ray Rhodes and Richard Smith.

Shirts, unfortunately, not optional. A guide for people planning on attending Titans practice. There’s a warning at the end: You’ll hear plenty of salty language during practice. I’m not sure that prepares a fan for the shock of hearing VY tell LenDale how much he wants to suck the sweat from the fat man’s titties, but maybe that’s just me.

Finally.  Caption away, peoples!

Dearest Peter,

Though we all know I could never speak as eloquently as my erstwhile co-blogger, Matt, I am going to add my dos centavos to your high-level of discourse when it comes to Texans fans.

Your obviously well-though-out comment about Texans fans reminds me of an old boss I used to have.  During one of our usual discussions when I was questioning his lack of intelligence and morality, his rejoinder was that I “lacked a sense of urgency.”  You see, in my boss’ world, running around without a plan or goal was showing a sense of urgency, while coming up with a plan and executing the plan meant that I didn’t care.

How does this apply to you?  Thanks for asking!  You seem to have this odd belief that, just because you wear some makeup, a dress, and a pig nose, one is a “passionate fan.”  In the real world, one would say these people have some horrific father issues, but that’s neither here nor there.  The simple truth is that dressing in drag does not equal passion (unless, of course, that’s your goal, as Pancakes would attest).

Perhaps, to you, passion means catching players when they jump into the stands after a score?  Or is it flashing gang signs to your dog-killing quarterback?  Making sweet love to your sister?

Do we need more fat guys to paint their bodies?

Do we need to turn the AC down to -20?  The heater up to 140?

Or, like a Dallas fan, do we need to beat our wives after a particularly close loss?  Is that passion to you, Mr. King?

Can you please forward me your quantifiable passion formula?  Because if there’s anybody who knows about passion, you are that person.

Maybe, just maybe, we should take a moment to think the unthinkable.  Perhaps, you’ve never as much as even watched a game involving the Texans.  Perhaps, you don’t even like football.  There are no other truly rational reasons for you to state, objectively, one of the most irrational statements uttered by a “sports” writer since Richard Justice’s latest column on the Texans.

If your idea of evoking passion was to piss off the Texans Nation en masse, mission accomplished…you fucking East coast hack asshole.

FOAD,

bfd

If the team can put in two-a-days, so can Matt and I.  Of course, the difference is that I just flat out can’t run anymore, and Matt was 10 pounds overweight 60 pounds ago.  Regardless, I’m sweating just typing this.  Hold on.  Need to catch my breath.

….

….

OK.  Phew!  This is hard work.

Wha?  You mean the chron was wrong???: Chris Taylor, who even rotoworld noted has been ruthlessly fluffed by the chron for a helluva long time, is now learning fullback.  If you stuck a gun against my head and asked me who my least fave Texan was outside of Frenchy and Petey, which, ironically, Shake did at the last get-together, I would have to answer with Vonta Leach.  Nothing personal against the dude, but he just gets way too many touches for what he has to offer.  I’m hopeful Taylor can make this transition and still keep enough speed to swap back to HB if necessary.  But it’s not like Taylor was a burner, anyway.

Another CLM*: Chris Brown is quickly digging a hole.  I’d love to get 10 healthy games out of him, but it seems is getting himself into Kubiak’s doghouse quickly.  That and other highlights in the Day 4 report.  *Career limiting move

Molden: If you didn’t {heart} Antwuan Molden before you read this, then you will now.  If you still don’t?  You heart is obviously three sizes too small.

You’ve stolen my soul!: Nice photography work by Steph.  And there is no way in hell I’m posting that damn “HAWT” song.  Dammit.

Peter King molests collies: Keith at ITB takes his shots.

Got tickets?: HtownJuggernaut does, and he gets listed just for fucking with Douchebag Tom.

Gotta pee, so I am off.

Special Edit: Eric wants you to buy him tickets.  Just FYI.

Special Edit 2: abumnamedPaul

After two days with no internet and two days in Missouri, I am back.  I know you missed me.  YOU know you missed me.  Here be the links.  Unless otherwise noted, h/t to Eric on these.

Scary.  Mario Williams and his teammates all agree—you still have not seen the best possible Mario Williams.  That sentence should make any QB on the Texans’ 2008 schedule piss himself.

Batman Returns? Ahman Green swears that last year was a fluke, that he’s not injury prone, and that he’s going to be back with a vengeance this year.  You’ll forgive me if I don’t hold my breath.

Greetings and Salutations.  Chris Taylor?  Earl Cochran.  Earl?  Chris.

Dear Ass-Sucking Cockmaster,

It has come to my attention that you don’t think Texans fans are passionate.  Apparently, we do not consume our team with the same joie de vivre with which you consume metric tons of frosting and Brett Favre’s smegma.  I find this rather interesting—in the same way I find a monkey playing with his own shit interesting—mainly because it makes no sense whatsoever.  You fucking retard.

Consider, when the team opened certain Training Camp dates to the public and made tickets available, ALL of the tickets were gone within days.  Most practices were full within hours of the tickets being released.  Let me spell this out for you:

THOUSANDS OF TEXANS FANS DECIDED THAT SPENDING THEIR RESPECTIVE WEEKENDS IN 95-PLUS-DEGREE HEAT AND 90-PLUS-PERCENT HUMIDITY WHILE WATCHING A TEAM THAT HAS NEVER MADE THE PLAYOFFS WAS A GOOD IDEA. BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEIR TEAM.

Sure, it’s probably hot where most teams hold training camp, but until a team starts running cone drills underneath your flabby mantits, I cannot think of a less hospitable place to play football than Houston, TX, in late July and early August.  Yet every single open practice is full and, as soon as that practice ends, those same fans light up blogs and message boards across the internet breaking down everything from Duane Brown’s physical shape to who the third wide receiver and/or dime cornerback are likely to be.

Don’t get me wrong, shitbreath—I am not comparing us to the Redskins one way or the other.  Maybe they are crazy fucking passionate.  Maybe they are the greatest group of fans in the history of organized sport.  Maybe many of them have sacrificed their own children at Dan Snyder’s altar in the hopes of bringing a Super Bowl ring back to D.C.

But to simply throw out the line that “Texans fans aren’t passionate”?  It sure seems like you are basing “passion” on how much the fanbase hates you and how many negative comments you get in response to your shitty columns.  Perhaps if you ever talked about the Texans, we fans would feel the need to waste bytes on you. But, speaking only for myself, I tend to avoid really poorly written sports materials unless they refer directly to my team, so I don’t encounter your work too often.

That said, if it is vitriol that proves passion to you, I mean it with the utmost sincerity when I say…

I hope you get sodomized to death with a piece of white-hot rebar, you twinkie-huffing piece of shit.

I hope you choke on a dick-flavored scone.

I hope your daughter finds a boyfriend whose sexual predilections make Osi Umenyiora’s look like missionary with the lights off.

I hope Brett Favre takes you out to a nice dinner and then never calls you.

I hope someone at SI jerks off in your latte.

I hope your wife pays three guys to fist her, videotapes it, and leaves it playing in the living room when you come home.

You have any pets?  I hope they bite you and then die.

I hope SI realizes that you write like old people fuck (sloppy, boring, not something you particularly want to look at) and shitcans you.

I hope the Starbucks closest to your house closes down, simply because the idea of you getting irritated about driving an extra four or five blocks pleases me.

I hope you choke on a chicken wing and no one in the restaurant has long enough arms to properly apply the Heimlich.

I hope SI’s buildings catch fire while you are taking a giantic shit, forcing you to either burn to death or run outside without wiping.

I hope Tiki Barber gives in to his primal urges and taps your flabby ass in the greenroom, then teases you about how small your dick is whenever you are around the rest of the FNIA crew.

I hope you walk in on your daughter in the middle of a bukkake circle.

I hope Brett Favre comes back this year and sucks, then blames you for all of it.

I hope Travis Johnson knees you in the skull for talking to Trent Green.  God hates ugly, Peter.  Hates it.

How’s that for “passion,” you obese fucking hack?

Yours in Christ,
Matt Campbell

Subject: Is that YOU,John??!!!

Please tell me more about our beloved Houston Oilers!!!! I`m also in my fucking 80`s and I only care about the football team that was here in my youth. Also, tell me all about the Baylor Bears,again!! I still like the 1st movie with Walter Mattheu. Those kids are funny!!! Is baseball the only sport they play?!! Are Anna-Megans` tits real?!! I`d love to take out my teeth&gum those babies,would`nt you,Johnny?!! Hey,great chatting with you! Suck up a 12-pack&enjoy your day!!!     XX……………PS:If you think of any more Texas sports legends from the `20`s or 30`s I should be idolizing,please let me know.

There are so many things wrong with this, but does this person seriously believe I am Pancakes????  I guess it’s my Keats-like odes to Pancakes that confuses this gentleman.

First, my intertubes connection sux tonight.  I guess there are too many dump trucks out there.  This post will be fairly link-free.

I know that some of you might think I was a little harsh on Duane Brown in my Kickoff post this morning.  DSITE, I believe, was more than a little offended.  And, you know what?  That’s fine.  I can sometimes, and freely admit, be an asshole.  That said, I want to say a couple more things about the subject.

Why am I pissed that Brown came into camp out of shape?  The subject is definitely arguable, but I believe that Matt Schaub is a playoff caliber quarterback and Rosy Rosenfels is not.  Why do I believe this?  Mostly, because Rosy’s track record really does say “Backup QB,” and, to me, Schaub hasn’t proven to be so easily type-cast.  To me, Schaub has a bigger arm, more mobility, and seems to do those warm and fuzzy leadership things that excite egocentric journalists so much.  Again, this is arguable, and it’s just my opinion.

For all intents and purposes, Brown was the starter at LT the day he was drafted.  Alex Gibbs’ shelf-life is only another season or two, and Brown is his final high-profile pet project.  Probably.  Brown must’ve known this, or at least had some non-subtle clues.  He was the one at OTAs and minicamp, after all.

This, to me, is why there was no excuse for Brown to come into camp out of shape in any way.  Yeah, it’s just 10 pounds, but it’s irrelevant.  Contract negotiations do not mean it’s OK to sit on your ass and eat your way through the Little Debbie line of products.  You are the starter, you are new to the position anyway, and you have a mighty steep learning curve in front of you.

And your primary job is to protect our starting QB’s blind side.  If Teh Schaub gets hurt, Rosy starts.  If Rosy starts, we are phucked.

It’s really that simple.

Xavier Adibi and Steve Slaton and especially Antwaun Molden (h/t Steph) are getting some serious props in camp, but it’s the one on whom we are relying the most, Mr. Duane Brown, who is out of shape.  That pisses me off.

Call me crazy (and I’ll ban your ass.  heh.), but I am going into this season being a bit more demanding about my expectations for our team.  We have a playoff caliber roster and staff, and mediocrity is no longer an option.  Either get it together, or get off the team.

Another quick one as I have a busy morning.

Alex Gibbs is so mean that Keith Weiland soiled his drawers.  Nice write-up by the latter on Satruday’s practice.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a workout, and I think this is the most I’ve missed it.

Camp quotes and news from HoustonTexans.com.

Only posting this for its comedic value.  Frankly, I couldn’t make it far without becoming nasuseous.

I guess it’s best that Megan Manfull wrote this one as the rest of the chron staff has absolutely no credibility on the subject.  And if Mario ain’t the best, he’s second best.  Regardless, if we can get a consistent rush opposite Mario from ND Kalu or Rosy Colvin, and if we get what I think we can get from Chaun Thompson, we could have one helluva passrus.

This article by Tim is what makes me really worry about Duane Brown.  You mean, you didn’t know that you had to be in shape to play football?  I know this is the difference between a rookie and maturing, second-year player, but we’re talking about protecting Teh Schaub’s backside here.  And Brown needs to be a chastity belt of epic proportions.

PUP Preseason: OK, here’s the deal.  Pre-season PUP basically means that the player can’t participate in drills, etc.  Regardless, Dunta is still talking about coming back and being productive mid-season (quotes link), so I think we need to keep our expectations for his return along those lines.

h/t to Eric for his usual help this morning.  I hope to have some time to post later today.  This whole “being a dad” thing is really cramping my style.

Been a kid-centric morning, and I have a boatload of homework due tonight.  Matt is currently recreating Pancakes’ historic tour of every IHOP in Missouri, so he’s out of commission (plus, the syrup blew out his Crackberry).  So, as almost always thanks to Eric, here is a link hurl of gigantuan proportions.  Hopefully, I’ll be back - nicely hammered - to talk about some items in more depth tonight.

Photos of this morning’s workout, courtesy of BullPenPhotos.  Beautiful work, as seems to be your norm.  And you were sweet enough to remember that I love twins.  *Is the dedication being nice enough

Quotes, via the mothership.

Five observations via Lance Zierlein.  Serious good news in there.

According to HT.com, Dunta was placed on the PUP, but Lance Z disagrees.  Need to clarify.

Finally, Brooke Bentley brings us a report from Day 1.

Again, hope to be back.  If you weren’t psyched about the season yesterday, and if this doesn’t do it, you need to see an undertaker.  Stat.

Albert “Puppy Po-Boy” Haynesworth and the BE-SF came to an agreement today as he signed a one-year tender.  Haynesworth led the league in cheap shots and hair-pulling last year, two of his proudest accomplishments.

To celebrate, Haynesworth threw lawn darts at a Boy Scout troop and knocked an old lady across the street.

Here’s hoping our newly signed Mr. Brown teaches this asshole a little lesson in respect.

Remember WAY back (in June) when I was doing Top 5 Lists related to the team?  Well, there are a couple more in the works, but this particular list is all about reader interaction.  And it’s a two-parter.  Or a “double-ender,” if that makes some of you feel more comfortable?

Part One: Your Top 5 Favorite Active Texans

Part Two: Your Top 5 Favorite Active Non-Texans

NOTE: If the Texans are not your favorite team, feel free to substitute your team for “Texans” in the instructions.  Unless your favorite team is the Cowboys, in which case I ask you to go fuck yourself.

My Answers:

Part 1.

1. Mario Williams.  Absolutely WORSHIP the dude.  Last year’s dominance made me feel vindicated in liking the selection from Day 1 and I actually expect him to be in the running for Defensive Player of the Year this year.  He’s a god.

2. DeMeco Ryans.  Though it doesn’t rise to the level of man-love I have for Mario, DeMeco is a pretty close #2 on my list.  He’s my son’s favorite player, too.  If he stays healthy and Okam plays 2/3 as well as I think he will, DeMeco will have 170 total tackles this year.

3. Andre Johnson.  Maybe I am high, but as of this moment, I would take Johnson over any WR in football.  Size, strength, speed…dude is the total package and is not a headcase like Moss, Johnson, Owens, and (apparently) Boldin.

4. Fred Bennett.  The Fred went from “this kid might be all right” to “Jesus, we got a steal” in the span of about 8 games last year.  With the force-out rule gone, I look for Fred to be even more of a beast this year.  He’s gonna OWN your punk ass, Roydell!

5. Morlon Greenwood. It’s been documented.

Part 2.

1. Justin Tuck.  Even before his domination of the Patriots (shoulda been MVP of the game), I was digging the Tuck.  He’s a force and, yet, even in NYC he’s underrated.

2. Braylon Edwards.  Like I need to explain this one.

3. Larry Foote.  See #2.

4. Carson Palmer.  He’s cool anyway, but when you come out and say how much you dislike Ohio State, you get bumped WAY up.

5. Charles Woodson. Ok, I’m a homer.  Leave me alone.

Save the Date, Bitch.  It’s here!  It’s here!  It’s finally fucking here! Remember when you were a kid and the calendar would roll over to December and you’d scream “Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, Christmas vacation is almost here!!!!!” Well, the start of training camp is the same feeling, only multiplied by AWESOME.¹

Jerks. Here’s where I was going to put the Duane Brown bit, but Eric and BFD stole my thunder.  (I kid. I really dig that those two can save my ass from time to time (read: always).) Yes, that was a double parenthetical.

FYI. I think I mentioned this once before when it was still in the planning stages, but you can sign up with Sporting News to get a daily sports newsletter, and they even email you each day so you can click and go there instead of being bothered to type one of those old-fashioned URLs. It’s nothing ground-breaking, but sports is sports, ya dig?

Finally. Not to keep stealing someone else’s thing, but I found another odd jersey in public last night.  I ask you…is this retro or a visitor from the near future? (That’s a Falcons jersey. I continue to have problems surreptitiously photographing people with my phone.)

¹ That equation would be “(Jesus+Tittyfucking+Christ)*AWESOME = Start of training camp.”

Holdout averted.

Via Pancakes (via Eric):

After an all-night negotiating session, the Texans have avoided the second official holdout in franchise history.

Left tackle Duane Brown, the first-round draft choice, agreed to a five-year, $11.5 million contract early today. If he signs in time to make the morning practice, Brown won’t be an official holdout.

Let the Spartan-esque training begin!