DGDB&D: a Texans blog. » Dearest Houston: W.T.F?
Dearest Houston: W.T.F?
by bigfatdrunkI freely admit it: I’m a dirty fucking hippie. I live in Austin. I prefer to ride my bike. I’m a beer snob. I recycle. If I had hair, it’d be long. I abhor makeup (on chicks, Stacy, before you get any ideas). That said, I’ve spent a lot of time in Houston over the last few weeks. And you know what I’ve seen?
***NO TEXANS PARAPHENALIA***
OK, none, is perhaps too harsh…barely. I saw a car that had a six year old, faded bumper sticker on it. And, errrr, I saw a sign out on I10 heading east that said “Romance…For Lease,” which was pretty cool and unusually hip. Outside of that, I was severely disappointed in the complete and total lack of Texans advertising of any type as I drove around Houston.
Disclaimer: I was largely on the west side OTL, which is supposed to be not cool and stuff.
Look, I don’t care what some random dude says cuz this is a legitimate playoff contender we are talking about, even though I agree with Tim’s assessment that our early schedule is slightly abusive.
And you can’t tell in Houston.
So, with that incredibly long introduction, here are my Top 5 suggestions to the Houston Texans marketing department cuz, you know, I kick ass at Madden and stuff.
5. Stickers - Yes, bumper stickers, decals, tattoos, breast implants, whatever it takes. Look, if we are paying Petey Faggins anything more than…OK, I’m too fucking lazy to look it up, then we could get much more value out of giving away bumper stickers on every corner. “Sticker with your electric bill, sir?” “Excuse me, ma’am, but you could really use a Texans tramp stamp.” See, how hard could that be?
4. Billboards - Let’s be honest: we are talking about Houston, here. I figure, if you put up a shitload of ads on billboards on any inbound freeway and I10 outbound, it’ll get more views than your average Oprah or Filipino tranny show.
3. Date Your Favorite Texans Cheerleader! - No projection going on here. Nope. None, whatsoever. Errr, did I mention that I love twins? I’ll just have to work with Marisa on the whole Olive Garden thing. I mean, just because I’d rather eat a handful of dog food than go to Olive Garden does not mean I’d ignore the poor girl.
2. Free Beer and Concealed Weapon Day - Beer and weapons? In Texas? What could possibly go wrong???
1. Dress Up as your Favorite 2006 Draftee Bust Night! - Do you still {heart} Vince, Longhorns fans? Still think Reggie Bush is actually better than Dave Meggett? Vernon Davis? Matt Leinart (hot tubs full of under-aged chicks not included)??? Or maybe you can go as the Biggest Bust in the History of Forever and Ever! No matter, now is your chance to wear the uniform of your favorite 2006 draft bust in the vain hope he won’t suck and will never, ever, live up to his actual talent.*
So, there ya go, Texans. As usual, I’ve done all the leg work. Now it’s up to you to make it happen.
* Anybody wearing a DeMeco uniform will be summarily beaten and gagged. I won’t tell you what you’ll be gagged with.
PS: I’m gonna upgrade to digital before football season. Any suggestions as to how to do this (Time Warner, DirecTV, tin foil caps) much appreciated. The NFL Season ticket is *not* a concern.
July 2nd, 2008 by bigfatdrunk 2006 Draft, 2008 Season, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Boobies, Demarcus Faggins sucks Trackback
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July 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Is it okay if I wear a jersey?
I have a Texans logo on the Acura, so I’m representing. I do need to get a few more T-Shirts though
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July 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I rock the Texans polo at work pretty regularly. More than one, I’ve had someone say “Longhorns, huh?” I chalk this up to being in Little Rock.
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On the other hand, I caught a cab in Houston last summer, told the guy I was in town for training camp (this is before I died) and he said “the Texans!? Even people from here don’t like them!” I did not give him a tip.
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July 2nd, 2008 at 8:16 pm
I have an Astros and a Rockets polo, but for some reason no Texans one. What is wrong with me???
When are you guys coming out with a site polo??
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July 2nd, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Fuckin’ A! (Actually, we need a kickass logo. Then there would be no stopping us.)
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July 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
BFD was on the west side of town outside the loop… that barely qualifies as being in Houston! In fact, I think there’s a name for that place. It’s called Katy.
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July 2nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Oh bitch.
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I don’t know what it’s called, but it’s the part of town north of I10 and south of Hwy 6 off Bingle. I don’t think that’s Katy. And, as I see your avatar, you will be kicked in the nutz.
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Oh yeah: {hugs}
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July 3rd, 2008 at 12:31 am
The last two times I was in Houston, I set out to get a new Texans cap. Everywhere I went, they were either sold out, or they only had the horribly ugly brightly colored ones. Not really my thing.
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I asked the clerks at a lot of these stores why there was so little, and they said they wouldn’t be getting any additional merch until the season got much closer. I thought that was kind of weird. I can literally get the same kind of Texans stuff at an Austin Academy as I can at a Houston one, which is - two or three ugly caps. I tried several malls too… I shoulda just gone down to the stadium store.
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Yet - there was TONS AND TONS of Cowboys stuff in Houston. GOD I hate that team.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 12:34 am
I don’t think that Matt is king of the dorks any longer…I am. I’m in Hawaii, and I brought my laptop. How sick is that? Actually, it’s called addiction to this damn blog! (ok, and looking at porn on the net. Not really, but I believe it adds a nice touch.) I just wanted to add my five cents…WTF? There are like 6 jerseys from which to choose, (Sorry Matt, still no Will Demps) and the selection of cool Texans chachkies, like hats, magnets, etc. is nil. As a person whose entire life has revolved around the promotional products industry, I am thoroughly disappointed. Even more disappointed since TX has the largest concentration of these types of businesses, and should have no problem having a HUGE selection of goodies to sell on the net, as well as at Reliant. If you know of anyone that needs my consulting services….I’m apparently very available since I hate my job.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 7:09 am
consulting services?
Is Foomey one of the Bobs?
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July 3rd, 2008 at 7:33 am
I saw the title of this post on my RSS feed and my first thought was, “Oh shit, did we sign Benson?”
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July 3rd, 2008 at 8:49 am
@Grungedave: Who is Bob? And, more importantly, why are you comparing myself to him…or is it he to I…or he to me? Shit…this is the direct result of moving to a city where only 35% of the people speak English!
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July 3rd, 2008 at 8:53 am
@Grunge…Nevermind. That’s one of the movies I need to see again. It’s been faaarr too long! So sad that I missed that reference, but it was damn funny!
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July 3rd, 2008 at 9:03 am
@ Chris: I went to the Galleria last summer and was able to find ONE hat that didn’t suck. Note, not one style–one HAT. Thankfully, it fit.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 9:19 am
someone did not immediately get my Office Space joke… I’m very sad now.
I think I’ll spend the rest of the day playing Tetris and telling my boss to come back later cause I’m busy.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 9:30 am
I just took a chainsaw the front wall of my office.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 10:26 am
and Matt, how’s the view… are the squirrels being merry now?
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July 3rd, 2008 at 10:35 am
Two of them are married.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
So that’s legal in Arkansas now? They must have been hetero squirrels.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I have three Texans hats I like, 2 I’ve had since the first year and one I got last season at a game last year where it was supposed to be cool and overcast and instead was hot and hella bright and sunny
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July 4th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I think I posted a few months ago about the severe lack of Texans Gear here in Austin. I think it’s pretty sad that even the larger retail chains (ACADEMY) show an overwhelming bias towards the Girls just to the north of us.
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July 4th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
This is where I’ve bought allot of my gear. From what I’ve seen they have the best selection of hats, tshirts and miscellaneous stuff.
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http://www.footballfanatics.com/NFL_Houston_Texans/browse/source/EML08_C29_indsale_htexans_0701H
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July 4th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Nice link Stacy.
I love being a Reliant employee, 40% off anything at the stadium on non-game days
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July 4th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
@Lee: Can you use that discount for other people. Say, certain bloggers that you like? Because I need a second polo, dammit, before the people at work start noticing how much I am wearing the shirt of the 2011 Super Bowl winners.
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July 6th, 2008 at 6:14 am
@ BFD: I’m confused…why is Sunday Ticket not a concern? You still live in the land of KEYE, don’t you?
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July 6th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
@Matt - I’m sure I can, you going to be down this year sometime during the week?
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July 6th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Probably, though it generally winds up being a Friday afternoon. I’ll keep you posted.