Travis Johnson explains the finer points of the impact of rising fuel prices
Jul 7, 2008 Frank Okam is an evil genius, God hates ugly, Had to post something, Inanity, Travis Johnson, Travis Johnson explains things
Hello, peoples. Travis Johnson here. As I’m sure you noticed if you drove anywhere over this past weekend, gas be expensive as a motherfucker right now. And everyone be complaining about it, saying how they can’t afford it and shit. ‘Cept, when most people bitch about gas prices, they don’t consider the big picture of how those prices can affect other parts of their lives. Travis, on the other hand, is a master of the big picture. I actually took a class in “big picture thinking” at Florida State.
Or…wait…no…that was “motion pictures,” but same shit, ya know? After all, good ass movies like Mission: Impossible have all sorts of car chases and exploding trains and shit like that, and that kind of shit takes fuel, meaning that rising gas prices are going to make the movies more expensive. Unless you want to do nothing but ninja movies, since ninjas are, um, solar powered. And, ya know, Travis loves him a good ninja flick, but eventually people are going to get tired of ninja movies, and then you have to bring back shit blowing up, and then you run into those fuel costs again. It’s a vicious circle.
But what if you don’t like movies? Travis hears that a lot when I be explainin’ this shit to people, like that is some kind of damned excuse. I mean, you might not like donuts, but you can be sure that the people who do like donuts are going to be lined up waiting to get into Krispy Kreme when that “Hot Fresh Now” sign is flashin’, and you are going to be stuck in that traffic, burnin’ gas while your car idles. It’s the same way with the movies, too, cuz it don’t always matter what you like when you start talking about global economies, dig?
No? Damn it, y’all be dense. Let me spell this shit out real simple like, since y’all can’t seem to follow Travis’ next-level thinkin’.
Where does gas come from? That’s right — it’s the remains of dead dinosaurs that Jesus turned into liquid so he could power his car. Jesus was recyclin’ and goin’ green before it was the hip thing to do, but Jesus was always way ahead of the curve when it came to social trends. He rocked the long hair, had the original Tevas, home-brewed his own wine, knew that chicks would dig scars…that kinda shit, man. Anyway, Jesus thought he made enough that there would be oil forever, but he didn’t consider that some of y’all greedy motherfuckers would drive Hummers and shit. So, now we be runnin’ out of oil, which decreases the supply.
At the same time, the people who control the oil, the Arabs, hate the people who control the media, the Jews, because the Jews have a liberal bias and they be tellin’ folks to buy, like, hybrids and shit and they keep showing shows like Two And A Half Men, which really has nothing to do with oil, but is still hated by the Arabs. And, really, you can’t blame them because that Charlie Sheen was bangin’ the one ho from Wild Things and now he’s not, so he is like, gay, and stuff, and they hate gays. So there is even LESS oil available.
So…yeah, because of all that shit, the price of gas is going up and that is going to affect NFL teams just like it affects y’all. For one thing, it is going to become more expensive to scout new players, because the scouts have to drive or fly because they all think they too special to take a train because it is a scientific fact that trains make you dizzy and maybe make you throw up. Travis knows because he took a train once…it was electric and it went real fast, but it just kept going in circles and up and down these big ol’ hills and it even went upside down at one point, and then I guess the driver forgot some of his shit, because we wound up back in the same place we started and they made us all get off and told us we’d have to stand in line again if we wanted to ride and Travis wasn’t about to stand in no line with a bunch of screamin’ ass kids when he had just been on the train a few minutes before. And, since then, I ain’t never took no trains nomore and I don’t really blame the scouts for refusing to take them. So, instead, they drive or fly and they use more of that $4 per gallon gas.
Oh, and get this, footballs might actually make the price of gas go up more! I mean, we call them pigskins, but they ain’t actually made from pigs. In fact, according to my cousin Del’ron, who watches Discovery channel when he’s high, they made from leather. And leather comes from cows and, since we have to kill the cows to get the leather, the cows be dead and dead cows can’t make more of that fart gas alternative fuel, so people have to use regular gas. So, the more footballs that are made, the more gas that is going to be used. That ain’t good, peoples. That ain’t good at all.
Fortunately, Travis has a plan that can help the Texans minimize the impact of these gas prices. I call it the “Pay Travis” plan. Because, let’s be honest here, God don’t like ugly and Travis’ current deal be ugly as that Betty bitch. Anyway, in the “Pay Travis” plan, the Texans would pay Travis. That’s how I came up with the name.
It’s a simple plan, really. Since it is going to be more ’spensive to scout for new players, the Texans should lock up the players they have right now, starting with Travis Johnson. I mean, sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiit dude, if a barrel of oil is $150 or $200 or whatever the fuck, you tellin’ me that Travis ain’t worth at least, say, eleventy million dollars a year? C’mon, man…you know I’m right. So, that’s the plan, you give Travis eleventy million dollars per year for, say, threeve years, and that allows you to ride out this spike in the gas prices without expending extra dollars for scouting. Even better, since Travis plays defense, I don’t need no new footballs to practice with, so you wouldn’t have to buy so many, so other people would benefit. Travis always doing shit for other people. Travis loves da kids, just like Trick Daddy does.
Now, I know you might be saying that Travis’ play hasn’t been good enough to deserve a raise, even if helps cut down on the gas prices. To that, Travis says “fuck you, bitch.” Travis has played very well — y’all just don’t understand what defensive tackles do, man. You want Travis on that line; you NEED Travis on that line. That Frank Okam? Man, that dude ain’t nuthin’ but a no-account rookie shitbag. And, I heard that he likes to cut down trees and burn them with gasoline. That don’t sound like the kind of socially responsible player Mr. Bob be likin’ on this team. Oh, and Frank also leaves his Hummer running in the parking lot during practice, just so it’ll be nice and cool for him when he gets in. How messed up is that?!
So, yeah, if the Texans are really wanting to help out with rising gas prices, they should do the socially responsible thing and pay Travis. And cut Frank Okam. Oh, and also, recycle.
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July 7th, 2008 at 11:43 am
As Buzz said to Woody, Matt, “you are a strange, silly little man”. But, that’s why the site meter is at 100,338.
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July 7th, 2008 at 11:45 am
In somewhat related news, my fantasy football team is actually named “God Don’t Like Ugly” in honor of our outgoing DT.
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July 7th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I’m waiting for Matt to set up the DGDB&D FFL league… so I can run to lay claim to “Parade of the Bitchephants” as my team name!
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July 7th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I’m speechless as I sit in my pee soaked pants and squishy office chair. Thanks for making me piss, Matt.
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July 7th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Travis droppin’ science like concussion-prone quarterbacks
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July 7th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I got nothin…but thank you for bringing light into the darkness that is Monday
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July 7th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
@Dave - Fantasy Football makes me a bad person. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to hurt Tavaris Jackson and Brad Childress for ruining Peterson’s rushing totals. Plus, watching football is less fun when you root for crazy results because you have a reciever on the same team as your opponent’s quarterback. That being said, I might come out of my post-championship retirement for a chance to use the name “Lyndon Veins Johnson’s Cabinet”
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July 7th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I’m not really sure what the fuck I just read, but good job… I think.
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July 7th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
@ Vega: That’s actually the response I was going for. Kind of a “wait…what?”
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July 7th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Matt, what happens when TJ signs with the Washington Redskins next year for 6 years and $85M? Would your head explode or implode?
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July 7th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Depends…which one of those happens when you are pointing at a close friends and laughing until you piss yourself?
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July 7th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Anyone but the Redskins, I don’t want to see my mom and grandparents cry. We just need to get Al Davis convinced that Johnson ran a 4.4 40 and he’ll take him off our hands. Better yet, move him to wide reciever and Millen will scoop him up. He loves linemen sized wideouts ala Mike Williams.
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July 7th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
TJ needs to get beat up in Vegas or have a DUI before the Raiders would sign him.
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July 7th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Solar-powered ninjas are badass.
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I’m waiting for ‘Travis Johnson explains the Electoral College’…..but not as much as I’m waiting for the next episode of ‘Evil Frank’.
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July 7th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I’m waiting for T-John and Fro-Kam to use Foomey as a set of “Fingercuffs”.
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July 7th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Eleventy million.
Never. Gets. Old.
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July 7th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Too late would they realize that they’d been drugged with her “Super-Spy Rohipnol Lip Gloss” and wake to see her strapping on her “ANNIHILATOR BLACK(with silver studs) 18 INCH STRAP-ON DILDO”. /She then proceeds to get medieval on their sweet asses.
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July 7th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Then Foomey pulls off her mask to reveal that she’s really David Carr!!!!
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July 7th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Agreed beef, I’ve used that number more times than 7 in my life
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July 7th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
@Stacy: Sure that it wasn’t YOU that is really Matt’s long-lost brother? That was fuckin HYSTERICAL!
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July 7th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Matthew and I are bruthas from anutha mutha.
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July 7th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Speaking of which, Matthew is having a rough night. If you want to cheer him up, just go here to get his number:
http://austin.craigslist.org/ers/695199156.html
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July 7th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
@Stacy - I didn’t know Matt was such an attentive lover
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July 7th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
He’s the short, white version of Huggy Bear. A blonde Ron Jeremy.
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July 7th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
The animated version of “Fake Conversations with Real People” should be like an episode of Scooby-Doo, written and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
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July 7th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
@ 28: Sorry, screenplay by QT. Written by MC and BFD. Duh.
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July 8th, 2008 at 12:21 am
@Stacy: Did you just “@” yourself? Is there another person hiding in that brain that I’m not aware of at this time? HmmMmmm…..
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July 8th, 2008 at 12:26 am
@Lee: Or, more importantly…How did Stacy know EXACTLY where to find Matt’s listing?
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July 8th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Nice work Stacy, you don’t see a lot of “@ting” yourself
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July 8th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
@ Lee: That’s cuz it’ll make you go blind.
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July 8th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
@Lee: I don’t know why, but I’m laughing so hard at your comment right now.
@Matt: How are those glasses working out for ya?
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July 9th, 2008 at 5:26 am
@ Foomey/Matt: I love my contacts.
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July 9th, 2008 at 5:44 am
@Stacy: I’ve got a seeing eye dog on order for ya.
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July 9th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
@ Foomey: WHY???? You’d do just fine.
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July 9th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
@Stacy: Yeah, I guess that you strapping me into any kind of harness just doesn’t really make a difference from one day to the next.