I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said, “how do you spell spell ‘Sartre?’”
Jul 8, 2008 Bitchephant, Fake Conversations with Real People, Frank Okam is an evil genius, I ask that you wash it first, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
7:45 PM. Kevin Bentley’s meticulously-appointed, feng shui-friendly loft apartment. Houston, TX.
Kevin Bentley: (doing situps, counting in Mandarin) …shi si, shi wu, shi liu…
(knock at the door)
Bentley: Enter! (resumes situps) …shi qi, shi ba, shi jiu…
Frank Okam: Hello, Kevin.
Bentley: Welcome, Francis. Please, come in and make yourself at home. I shall only be a few more moments. (finishes situps) …er shi. (towels off) What brings you here, Francis? More questions regarding string theory?
Okam: Not tonight, Kevin. No, this eve finds me possessed of a worried mind fettered by dastardly plans.
Bentley: Do tell, young squire. You have piqued my interest most assuredly.
Okam: First, allow me to posit an ontological query. Can one actively pursue the destruction of another without in turn destroying himself? Which is to say, does the driving out of existence one’s enemy have a similarly deleterious effect on one’s own self?
Bentley: Interesting question, Francis. To my way of thinking, when one focuses on his own being qua being, his interactions with others become a necessary rubric for understanding one’s self. That said, those interactions with others only help to cast light upon one’s own being; they are not a condition precedent for being.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: A moment, Francis. (answers phone) Hello….yes…I see…well, have you spoken to your sister about it?…and she is fine with the idea?…I see…no, nothing rough…yes…indeed…I shall see you both in one hour. (hangs up)
(resumes discussion) Thus, the destruction — either literal or merely relative to his current socio-economic status — of one’s enemy does not impact one’s being so much as allow one to see the side of his being which is capable of such malevolence.
Okam: Interesting. So, by that rationale, the capacity to destroy is a characteristic of the destroyer’s being, for better or worse, and does not, in fact, define the being any more than, say, a predilection toward certain cereal brands would?
Bentley: Precisely — so the question is not “will one’s destruction of another bring about one’s own destruction,”
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: Apologies, dear friend. (answers phone) Hello…this is he…the going rate is $500 and hour…yes, that works out to just over $29 per inch per hour…indeed…I can work you in three hours from now…of course…you can make it payable to Lyndon Veins Johnson…yes, see you then. (hangs up)
(resumes discussion) but, rather “can one tolerate the self-reflection that knowing one’s capacity to destroy provides?” Now, obviously, if the answer to the second query is negative, then it could very well be that, by extension, the decision to destroy the other person might lead to one’s own destruction, but it does not by definition have to lead there.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: Excuse me for just another second or two, Francis. (answers phone) Hello…speaking…I leave the decisions regarding lubricant to you…sure, but that runs slightly more…all cards except Discover…I ask that you wash it first…of course…see you in five hours. (hangs up phone)
(resumes discussion) But now, Francis, with that query answered satisfactorily, I must inquire as to what tipped you off to my wager with William?
Okam: You find me at a loss for response, sir; I am unaware as to any wager with anyone. I was speaking on behalf of my own concerns and issues. Might you elaborate upon this wager?
Bentley: Well, Francis, upon the realization that the female population is not ample enough to sustain both myself and William Demps, he and I entered into an agreement whereby the first one to bed a predetermined target female would win, forcing the other competitor to leave Houston and the Texans organization at once.
Okam: How very fascinating! Yet, I have found myself wondering of late how someone as vapid as William could find constant success with the ladies. Surely this competition is most heavily tilted in your favor!
Bentley: One would certainly think so, but Mr. Demps possesses a certain manner of talking to women that makes him, at times, irresistible to them. He is, if you will, a “cunning linguist.”
Okam: Good show! Well played, indeed!
Bentley: Thank you. I found that aphorism quite humorous as well.
Okam: I assume the target female was chosen for her relative unattainability?
Bentley: Very intuitive, young Francis. The target female is none other than Rhonda Kubiak.
Okam: I imagine my face reveals my utter amazement at your answer!
Bentley: Quite! (laughs, composes self, checks watch) I have greatly enjoyed this conversation, Francis. Now, I hope you don’t think me a boor, but I must excuse myself post haste. For, if I don’t apply the champagne and talcum powder mask to my testicles before engaging in tonight’s activities, I will surely find myself chaffed come the morrow.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: I shall call you soon, Francis. (answers phone) Hello…
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July 8th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
“I ask that you wash it first” is such an appropriate tag….you may have to update some old posts.
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July 8th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Spies Like Us!
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I rule.
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July 8th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
fuck this… I bet Will Demps takes Discover Card!!!
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July 8th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
$29/inch. natch.
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July 8th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Good to see you’re taking time out from trashing the new Deadspin guy to continue the saga
Your math frightens me though. 500/29 seems unwieldy at best, and most guys would probably pass out from blood loss when the time came to use it. At the very least it’s gotta affect how he walks.
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July 8th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I never thought Deadspin could get so bad so fast, but Travis is doing his damnedest to fuck it up. “Look, I can say ‘gay!’” “Look, I can curse!” “Look, I haven’t mastered basic punctuation and syntax, despite having written a book!”
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Anyway, the 500/29 something comes from the initial Bentley post, wherein he describes himself as “17 inches of spiritual enlightenment.”
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July 8th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
@Matt: Do you throw darts at pages in Websters to determine which words you will use for the day, or are you just a complete fucking genius???!!!! Nice, my friend. Too bad I’m unable to have children because I would most certainly ask for a sperm donation after having read this post.
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July 8th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
“because you keep letting men fuck you in the ass.”
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If this is true….DIBS!
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July 8th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
So does anyone else find themselves reading these out loud or is it just me?
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July 8th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I tried to tell you fuckers…she loves it in the ass. Shit, she not only loves ‘it’ in her ass, she loves everything in her ass. I made her laugh really hard a few weeks ago and she farted a salad bowl. Yes, it was still full of salad.
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July 8th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
@ Vega: No, it’s just you. I have a 4 year old that I really don’t want to fuck up for the rest of his life. I’m not going to be reading ‘Fake Conversations’ at bedtime. Well, at least until he’s 6.
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July 8th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
@ Vega - I was just reading it to my unborn child, I’m pretty sure he laughed
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July 8th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
@Vega: I do, but only because I’m retarded, and love making up voices for all of these characters.
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July 8th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Sadly, this Bentley/Okam exchange is now only the 2nd funniest thing that I have seen/read/experienced today. This evening… too fucking surreal.
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July 8th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
@ GDave: Hang in there, man. Consider yourself lucky, you could be farting Caesar Salad. Still in the bowl.
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July 9th, 2008 at 1:26 am
Wow… the whole thing… The post… the post post comments. The fuckin’ salad bowl and the rose bud… I’ve just been taken down a very surreal path. Either that, or the cheerios I just ate were laced with psilocybin. Truth be told, the feeling is eerily similar.
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July 9th, 2008 at 5:21 am
@ Solis: Welcome to hell, my friend.
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July 9th, 2008 at 6:03 am
@Solis:Do you have any psilocybin left over? I’ll make you a salad. Fresh, of course.
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July 9th, 2008 at 6:41 am
So…..don’t think I’ll be going to Jason’s Deli for the salad bar at lunch today.
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July 9th, 2008 at 6:45 am
No salad will ever be our salad.
/Billy Madison
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July 9th, 2008 at 6:47 am
@Shake: If you change your mind, I’d get their “Spud au Broc”. Very safe choice. Nothing about a potato that can be turned…OH wait a minute…there was this HBO special where a woman carved…nevermind.
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July 9th, 2008 at 7:57 am
Reading this makes me wish I had a 17-inch wang. Alas, I’m only about 16 inches short of that. Less when he’s not happy.
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July 9th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Another homerun, Matthew!
After having to check wordweb for a few definitions, I LOL’d. You shoulda been there. It was great.
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July 9th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
@WF4F - Having a 17 incher is a HUGE burden, the ladies won’t leave me alone
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July 10th, 2008 at 11:10 am
@Lee - UofTOrange: Yeah, well at least I don’t pass out whenever I get a chubber.
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July 10th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
@WillFist4Food: It’s odd, doctors say I have an extra pint of blood at all time. Plus, it’s a little like getting drunk
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July 10th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
@Lee - UofTOrange: {Foomey gets out credit card to begin background search, which includes home address, ph#, DOB, etc., for Lee.}