I CAN HAZ RUNNING BACK?
Jul 11, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Gary Kubiak, Inanity, Rick Smith, Ron Dayne likes pie
Rick Smith: So, yeah, I figured out that if you order from Papa John’s online you can order one of the specialty pizzas — meat lovers, Hawaiian, whatever — but then add and remove toppings, so that you get whatever pizza you want at the special price.
Gary Kubiak: Wait…what?
Smith: Yeah, you can pick whatever pizza has the best deal but still get something else.
Kubiak: I honestly don’t– You mean I can say I want a barbeque chicken pizza, but still end up with black olive and mushroom?
Smith: Exactly! Wild, huh?! The missus and I had QUITE the laugh over that.
(secretary enters)
Rick Smith’s Secretary: Mr. Smith, a delivery man just brought this box of donuts for you.
Smith: Huh?
Secretary: Yeah, he said that it was to be delivered to you. It’s very sticky. May I set it down?
Smith: (clearing space on his desk) Of course. Thank you. (considers slapping her ass as she leaves, but doesn’t)
(opens box) Gary, look…someone FedExed me 12 donuts. (counts again) Wait, no, 11 donuts. Odd.
Kubiak: Are those sprinkles?
Smith: Yeah. No, hold on…they are letters. Someone stuck Alpha-Bits to the donuts! (takes one out) This one says “Ron haz itch to.” (pulls another from box) “Take Ron back.”
Kubiak: (picks up donut) “Dayne haz tal–.” I’m guessing that said “talent” before someone took a bite out of it.
Smith: This one just says “Ron” (pauses, looks closer) and the other glaze seems to have been licked off! (drops donut)
Kubiak: “Ahman wuss Brown haz gay.” What in the world?
Smith: “I eat ur kidz if Ron not play.”
Kubiak: This is freakin’ weird, man.
(Smith’s phone rings)
Smith: (answering phone) Hello?
Disguised voice: Did yu git muh meshizh?
Smith: Excuse me?
Voice: Muh meshizh!
Smith: Why does it sound like you have a mouth full of Funyuns?
Voice: (chews, swallows) DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE?!
Smith: Yes, Ron.
Voice: Good. I mean, this isn’t Ron! This is…um…a concerned fan.
Smith: Ron, your name came up on caller ID. I told you, we have no need for your services this year.
Voice: Oh.
…
Hmm.
…
Could you return those donuts, then?
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July 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Wow… I mean…. WOW!
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I’m so ordering Papa John’s tonight.
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July 11th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Brings a tear to my eye…like old school SNL! Funny shit, sir!
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July 11th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
“(considers slapping her ass as she leaves, but doesn’t)”
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See, we have the classiest GM in the league.
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July 11th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Maybe Dayne-train was sucking bone marrow, from hot wings, with this current Titan(ic) player:
http://myespn.go.com/blogs/hashmarks/0-8-130/Mike-Williams-faces-uphill-battle-to-make-Titans.html
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July 11th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Normally, I would encourage people to stop doing drugs, however, I’ll make an exception. Matt..what’s your D.O.C.? And…I’ll have it/them delivered via Fed-Ex Saturday delivery. I promise that I won’t lick any of them either.
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July 11th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
This cracked me up. I liked the special touch of showcasing Smith’s talents for wheeling and dealing as well as outing him as the “crazy live life on the edge” kind of guy that he is. And even that was too much for Kubiak.
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July 11th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
@Foomey: Extract of pineal gland.
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July 11th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
@Matt: Wasn’t there an HP Lovecraft novel/movie that had a character with a highly developed pineal gland? Oooohhhhh….the almighty “Third Eye”. All bow down to Matt’s large gland!
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July 11th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
I’m gonna miss the Dayne Train. He was fuckin cool. But not as cool as aplha bits cereal. You can spell out “Fuck Ass” in your bowl and leave it for someone else to find later.
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July 12th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Dayne sucks ass, he does not deserve to have Ricky’s record. Ricky was a god on the field, Dayne was a fat bowling ball fuck.