Kickoff
Jul 20, 2008 2008 Season, Dancing With the 'Tards, Little Dickie Justice, Pancakes McTard, Posts that list too many players
Football? In Texas?: It looks like the comicle writers finally remembered that it was football season and decided to stitch together a few articles for the benefit of the masses (sic).
Pancakes sez (I used quote form, but these are basically paraphrases with my comments thrown in. Hard doing this while holding a baby):
Kubiak thinks Mario looks good.
Learning left tackle is hard and it’s a little scary having Eliza Doolittle Duane Brown out there over Ephraim Salaam.
Xavier Adibi and Antwaun Molden are both making progress. If it is true that Molden is ahead of Fred Bennett at similar points, we have a ton to be excited about.
Most improved are: “defensive tackle Amobi Okoye, guard Kasey Studdard, safety Brandon Harrison and receiver David Anderson.” Harrison intrigues me quite a bit.
In his blog, Pancakes sees Darius Walker as the odd man out. Hard to disagree, but between Ahman Green and Chris Brown, injuries might settle that decision, first.
These sorts of articles are nice, but until we start seeing some pre-season action, let’s not put too much stock into these comments.
But here’s the money-maker from Pancakes this morning:
And then there are some of you who seem to think that Mario Williams is still a bust, and he stumbled into all 14 sacks that were created by other pass rushers. And you fail to point out that every pass rusher with a lot of sacks gets some of them because of their teammates. There’s nothing I can do to convince you otherwise, so I won’t try because you’re hopeless.
Seriously, you can’t make this shit up. In fact, I think the above accurately reflects with the staff of the comicle, en masse, wrote about Mario last year. Assholes.
Lil Dickie Justice, age 12, managed to go an entire article without mentioning Vince Young once, definitely a new record. The article, itself, is relatively useless.
Gettin’ people inked: oiler-texan diehard poses a good question about getting our top draft picks signed. With Jake Chris Long (seriously, doing this while holding a baby is difficult) now signed, I think we’ll start seeing the dominos fall, and we’ll hopefully get the rest of our guys in camp quickly.
bfd, you dumb: socctty makes a great point, and I will take it upon myself to become more football stats geeky this year.
Adventures in stupidity: Finally, it’s my belief that the best thing about the intertoobz is the democratization of information. I still believe in the old Schoolhouse Rock belief that knowledge is power. Of course, the worst thing about the non-dumptruck utilizing tubes is that anybody can post garbage on them. As Eric said, this is the sort of post that makes Baby Jesus Buzz Bissinger cry.
Lessee here: irrational hatred of the Texans? Check! Functionally illiterate? Check! Can’t count? Check! Has no idea what football is or how it works? Check and check!
Ladies and gentlement, your next Lil Dickie Justice!
(h/t to Eric for his assistance this morning)
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July 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
That’d be Chris Long. Jake signed a couple months ago, like before the draft.
As one of the FO game charting schlubs, note that CB and other defender stats generally aren’t available until the book comes out the next year.
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July 20th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
1-15 huh? Nice work by that guy. I’ll give him $500 dollars if we go 1-15
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July 20th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I really don’t get why the comicle staff won’t admit that they were wrong about Mario. I have done it about 2 trillion times already. Hell, I bought a number 90 jersey just to say I’m sorry
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July 20th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Sadly, that type of article isn’t even what Bissinger is complaining about, despite the fact that it is poorly researched and doesn’t really employ any logic. That idiot predicts two 16-0 teams, two 0-16 teams, and two 1-16 teams? What a dipshit.
I’m way more offended by that inane drivel than I am by rants about Rich Garces’ man-tits.
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July 20th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Sigh, I hate that the little fuckstick is getting traffic because he sucks, but that just can’t be ignored.
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Also - if you read carefully - he’s a Cowboys fan and he picked the Cowboys to go 16-0. No, seriously. 16-0 Cowboys, 1-15 Texans.
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MUST DESTROY INTERNET!!!
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July 20th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Wow. I cant believe I spent two minutes of my time reading that bullshit article about the texans going 1-15. I mean yes I am biased because im a die hard texans fan that lives in houston but come on. 1-15. Just when I thought you couldn’t be more retarded than Lil Dickie and Party Boy VY combined. Nice dig bfd.
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July 20th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
@DiehardChris: Like what that other guy said that commented on his blog. “stop smoking that crack boy!” That explains everything.
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July 20th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
The best part is that he gives no real reason for the Texans to go 1-15. He just regurgitates the current meme about the Texans, and then throws some numbers at it. You could read his write-up and guess all sorts of records… 1-15, 4-12, 10-6, 8-8, etc.
“Defensively, the team must be effective at rushing the quarterback.” Really? Well that sucks because Richard Smith was planning on dropping his DTs into zone coverages every down.
As his bio notes, he’s “18 years old (AND I DON’T PLAY FAVORITES, I TELL IT LIKE IT IS)…” If the Texans go 1-15, I will dump my girlfriend of over a year and arrange a date between them so that he finally has a chance to lose his virginity.
He’s got the Chargers going 16-0. He has the Steelers going 12-4, even though he concedes that “Pittsburgh’s offensive line, which has long been a strength, is a jumbled mess, and its defensive line is getting old and lacks depth.” The Dolphins somehow manage to get worse according to this guy. The Seahawks go 14-2, the Rams go 3-13, the Falcons somehow also get worse, the Saints only lose one game, the Cowboys go 16-0, the Redskins go 1-15, and the Giants go 12-4.
I guarantee you that NONE of those teams get those records. What an idiot. He almost seems to not even agree with himself. Is this what you say about a team you expect to go 1-15?: “…in the end, this team appears to lack the star power needed to make a memorable postseason run.” Sounds more like something you’d say about a team that goes .500.
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July 20th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
My favorite part is “The Texans have done nothing to improve.” Well, okay - that’s not true but for the sake of this, let’s say they haven’t. BUT THEY SURE AS FUCK HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING TO SINK TO 1-15!! Dumbass.
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July 21st, 2008 at 7:36 am
You guys are totally missing the point. That was AWESOME. Outside of the fact that reading it was the literary equivalent of an epileptic seizure, those are the types of things that make the internet great. One one hand you have blogs like this one and BRB which, while clearly partisan, really try to take an objective look at things and draw rational conclusions.
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Then you have that. There’s something strangely gratifying about watching a retard prove his retardedness while simultaneously thinking he’s making an intelligent argument. It’s like when Romo thought he was awesome and then ate dick in the playoffs. That makes me laugh.
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July 21st, 2008 at 7:55 am
If any of our readers are state or national lawmakers, please note that we here at DGDB&D fully support a law mandating a minimum IQ before people are allowed to post on the internet.
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July 21st, 2008 at 8:41 am
“We here at BRB”??
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July 21st, 2008 at 8:43 am
As stupid as the 18 year old monkey slapping Dallasite is, the NFL gets the “tard” award for still listing our recent draft picks, with an additional 5th and 6th pick:
http://www.nfl.com/trainingcamp/story?id=09000d5d80937430&template=with-video&confirm=true
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July 21st, 2008 at 9:32 am
Wow. I wouldn’t expect any team to go from 8-8 to 1-15 without some kind of plane crash killing off half the team or something equally catastrophic.
Let alone a young team that was 8-8 after numerous injuries to key players who are now healthy and some ridiculously flukey losses in that record.
I’d be willing to bet more money on the Texans going 15-1 than 1-15… not that I’d bet on either.
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July 21st, 2008 at 10:42 am
@TheBlowLeprechaun: “I wouldn’t expect any team to go from 8-8 to 1-15 without some kind of plane crash killing off half the team or something equally catastrophic.”
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Like if Charlie Casserly were named GM.
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July 21st, 2008 at 11:43 am
@Vega: Seriously. On Fire.
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July 21st, 2008 at 2:42 pm
For some reason, I loved the second part of the prediction: “misses playoffs.” Because winning one game puts you in contention for the wild card.
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He’s doing better than me, though. When I was that age, I thought Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome was the best movie ever. I’m not proud of that fact…
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July 21st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
@Eric: I had them open in another window and wasn’t really paying attention. Good eye.
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July 21st, 2008 at 6:45 pm
@WillFist4Food: At least your favorite movie wasn’t Xanadu. Go ahead, Matt, I’m waiting….
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July 21st, 2008 at 7:32 pm
@Foomey: Did you, uhm, rub it out to Olivia Newton-John too?
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No shame in that.
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July 21st, 2008 at 7:39 pm
@Foomey: I had just turned 2 when that movie came out. Christ, you are ancient. They had to sand and resurface your vag like an old piece of furniture, didn’t they?
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July 21st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
@Matt: Yes.
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Oh, you were talking to Foomey. Never mind.
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July 21st, 2008 at 9:05 pm
@Foomey: Were you also getting “physical” back then?
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July 21st, 2008 at 9:55 pm
@WillFist4Food:Only if I am to assume that you rubbed one out to Mel Gibson.
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@Matt: I’m not “ancient”…I’m “gently used”. And, my vag is doing much better now…thanks for asking. It’s my belly button that is still a little fucked up.
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@bigfatdrunk: I’m curious what you initially said “yes” to…Was it the resurfacing of YOUR vagina? OR….The fact that you are ancient?
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@Lee - UofTOrange: Don’t make fun of the fact that I like O.N.J. back then. I hadn’t smoked weed, and met my Heavy Metal Destiny yet! I listened to Michael Jackson too! I know all you fuckers did, as well…don’t even try to deny it!
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July 22nd, 2008 at 6:57 pm
@Foomey: I rock the MJ today, I really did it in the mid 80s
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July 22nd, 2008 at 8:50 pm
@Lee - UofTOrange: Just when I think I have you figured out…there you go. Hmmmm….
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July 22nd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
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July 23rd, 2008 at 1:26 am
I only get to read DGDB&D when I’m at home… so somehow I missed that whole thing about the fag and his faggy NFL predictions.
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So I click on the link to his “column” (because he’s a “columnist”), and read about half of his breakdown of the Texans and I think to myself, “What a fag”.
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So then I read the comments to his “column” (because he’s a “columnist”) and thats when things got bad. I literally wanted to kick that little mother fucker in the teeth for being so stupid.
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Then something strange happened. In the midst of all my disgusted anger, I started to feel sorry for the little bastard. The hate for him and his kind is still there, but a part of me wants to wish away the fact that the world is filled with idiots. Its sad really.
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It’s probably better that I not dwell on this kid’s inability to be honest with himself. It will start a whole new level of introspection for me that, quite frankly, I’m too sober for.