An Open Letter To Peter King
Jul 28, 2008 Open Letters, Peter King sucks balls, Ranting
Dear Ass-Sucking Cockmaster,
It has come to my attention that you don’t think Texans fans are passionate. Apparently, we do not consume our team with the same joie de vivre with which you consume metric tons of frosting and Brett Favre’s smegma. I find this rather interesting—in the same way I find a monkey playing with his own shit interesting—mainly because it makes no sense whatsoever. You fucking retard.
Consider, when the team opened certain Training Camp dates to the public and made tickets available, ALL of the tickets were gone within days. Most practices were full within hours of the tickets being released. Let me spell this out for you:
THOUSANDS OF TEXANS FANS DECIDED THAT SPENDING THEIR RESPECTIVE WEEKENDS IN 95-PLUS-DEGREE HEAT AND 90-PLUS-PERCENT HUMIDITY WHILE WATCHING A TEAM THAT HAS NEVER MADE THE PLAYOFFS WAS A GOOD IDEA. BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEIR TEAM.
Sure, it’s probably hot where most teams hold training camp, but until a team starts running cone drills underneath your flabby mantits, I cannot think of a less hospitable place to play football than Houston, TX, in late July and early August. Yet every single open practice is full and, as soon as that practice ends, those same fans light up blogs and message boards across the internet breaking down everything from Duane Brown’s physical shape to who the third wide receiver and/or dime cornerback are likely to be.
Don’t get me wrong, shitbreath—I am not comparing us to the Redskins one way or the other. Maybe they are crazy fucking passionate. Maybe they are the greatest group of fans in the history of organized sport. Maybe many of them have sacrificed their own children at Dan Snyder’s altar in the hopes of bringing a Super Bowl ring back to D.C.
But to simply throw out the line that “Texans fans aren’t passionate”? It sure seems like you are basing “passion” on how much the fanbase hates you and how many negative comments you get in response to your shitty columns. Perhaps if you ever talked about the Texans, we fans would feel the need to waste bytes on you. But, speaking only for myself, I tend to avoid really poorly written sports materials unless they refer directly to my team, so I don’t encounter your work too often.
That said, if it is vitriol that proves passion to you, I mean it with the utmost sincerity when I say…
I hope you get sodomized to death with a piece of white-hot rebar, you twinkie-huffing piece of shit.
I hope you choke on a dick-flavored scone.
I hope your daughter finds a boyfriend whose sexual predilections make Osi Umenyiora’s look like missionary with the lights off.
I hope Brett Favre takes you out to a nice dinner and then never calls you.
I hope someone at SI jerks off in your latte.
I hope your wife pays three guys to fist her, videotapes it, and leaves it playing in the living room when you come home.
You have any pets? I hope they bite you and then die.
I hope SI realizes that you write like old people fuck (sloppy, boring, not something you particularly want to look at) and shitcans you.
I hope the Starbucks closest to your house closes down, simply because the idea of you getting irritated about driving an extra four or five blocks pleases me.
I hope you choke on a chicken wing and no one in the restaurant has long enough arms to properly apply the Heimlich.
I hope SI’s buildings catch fire while you are taking a giantic shit, forcing you to either burn to death or run outside without wiping.
I hope Tiki Barber gives in to his primal urges and taps your flabby ass in the greenroom, then teases you about how small your dick is whenever you are around the rest of the FNIA crew.
I hope you walk in on your daughter in the middle of a bukkake circle.
I hope Brett Favre comes back this year and sucks, then blames you for all of it.
I hope Travis Johnson knees you in the skull for talking to Trent Green. God hates ugly, Peter. Hates it.
How’s that for “passion,” you obese fucking hack?
Yours in Christ,
Matt Campbell
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July 28th, 2008 at 9:37 am
“THOUSANDS OF TEXANS FANS DECIDED SPENDING THAT THEIR WEEKEND IN 95-PLUS-DEGREE HEAT AND 90-PLUS-PERCENT HUMIDITY”
when calling someone retarded … it’s usually wise to check your spelling/grammar first.
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July 28th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Fucker. Fixed.
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(My excuse was that I was writing angry and I only had five hours sleep last night.)
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July 28th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Also, don’t you have your own blog that needs tending to?
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July 28th, 2008 at 9:58 am
There are so many great things in that letter, but I particularly love how you made
a complete sentence all by itself. But then again, the highlight of my H.S. English classes was seeing Juliet’s boobies in the way that I believe Shakespeare intended.
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July 28th, 2008 at 9:59 am
My hope is that you sent him a copy of this masterfully write piece! Also, that Steph approves of this message and send him a copy of that song “HOT”! If, that doesn’t finish him off, then fat tards like him and Pancakes are truly Satans offspring..
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July 28th, 2008 at 10:13 am
All angry letters are instantly improved by adding “Yours in Christ” to the end. Bravo.
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July 28th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Re: Brett Favre’s Smegma:
What does that gray guy from lord of the rings have to do with anything?
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Does Brett Favre own one? Fucking rich guys have all the cool stuff. If I had one, I’d make it carry my cooler from the truck to the river… and then over rocks when the water is low. I’d still carry the tubes though… he’d be a little short to do it with any real grace.
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July 28th, 2008 at 10:51 am
MMQB is going to be shitty this year. Peter King will probably move on from Favre to Romo after Fuckhead Brett told his story to the FoxNews chick. Which means PK will be slobbering a Cowboy. Ugh.
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July 28th, 2008 at 11:26 am
So much venom. Loved it.
Glad you’ve taken to my “Yours in Christ” closer. Just slams home the dagger in the best possible way.
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July 28th, 2008 at 11:48 am
@SOLIS: Okay, where is the BRB contribution to the Pete King wants abuse to prove up passionate fandom fest? The SOLIS version would likely have stats and game film.
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July 28th, 2008 at 11:55 am
@beef: Hey now…I took Melody Carr’s “Yours In Christ.” Credit where it is due, my man.
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http://www.atexansblog.com/2007/11/07/a-fictitious-letter-from-melody-carr/
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July 28th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Funny! Tear rendering Funny!
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July 28th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I think what pisses me off more is the fact that he went out of his way to piss on TEXANS fans. We don’t matter enough to be CRAZY AWESOME FANS but we matter enough to be slighted in a column written “like old people fuck (sloppy, boring, not something you particularly want to look at)”. I laugh my ass off everyday when I think of how much Brett Farve cock he sucked only to be slighted for GRETA VAN SUSTERN? Sounds like someone shit in their cereal.BUNG!
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July 28th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Fuck Peter King. I’m sure Richard Justice is saving him a seat on the Texans Bandwagon so that halfway through the season he can hop his fat ass on. Save that link, it’ll come back to haunt him.
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July 28th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
@abumnamedpaul: *sigh*
No it won’t. These guys are immune to accountability. *sigh*^2
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July 28th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
@Matt: If I EVAR need a “Dear John” letter, I’m coming straight to you! Bravo, Bravo, fucking Bravo! I have a mental picture…You, sitting at your keyboard, with a Priest shouting exorcism latin. Your head turns 360 degrees while spooing stuff that looks like liquified turtle shit out of your mouth. Suddenly, you grab your “stuff”, and begin shouting, “I’m gonaa fuck your man titties, Peter…right after I ass-fuck your wife.”
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July 29th, 2008 at 7:33 am
@Matt: Ouch Matt, ouch. Though that is true
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July 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am
@Matt: You may be right. I’ve been closing like that for a while now, but don’t know if I brought it out on here before November. Forgive me. Seriously, please forgive me.
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July 29th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Great rant, of course. I’ve been without access to my blog for a few days now, and haven’t had a chance to tackle it until now - but I absolutely LOVE the vitriol, and I concur.
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August 6th, 2008 at 8:59 am
This is a screen covering with Starbucks, tear jerking, snot bubble blowing, groin pulling, diaphragm blasting, laughter subduing while in a large conference room with fortune 500 execs masterpiece of a profane rant! Chisel it under the bulls in Bud Plaza!!!
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August 6th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Wow, I just spewed coffee all over the screen. Masterfully written.
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August 11th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
As a Patriots fan who had to listen to his Spygate pile on drivel I lift my Dunken Donuts coffee in approval of this letter!