An Open Letter to Chris Brown
Jul 29, 2008 Open Letters, RB free-for-all, Ranting
Dear Chris,
I hope this letter finds you not dead. The reason I’m writing is this: PLEASE don’t make me hate you.
You see, I am a bitter, angry little man and I have more than enough hate to go around. I give some hate to Travis, I give some hate to Petey, I give some hate to Coach Smith…but I have more. Lots more. And a good bit of that can and will be yours unless some shit changes.
Thing is, I don’t want to hate you. Hell, I even told people before camp that you were my darkhorse candidate to be the number one guy this year. I thought, “hey, here’s a kid with a lot of talent who has just gotten some unlucky breaks.” Sure, maybe you run so upright one has to wonder if you have something up your ass, but that was no biggie. I figured you could handle the load and be a surprise 1200-yard back under Coach Gibbs.
Then camp started. Not for you, though, as you chose to go to a wedding thing. Hey, I kind of understand that. Maybe. I guess.
Actually, no, I don’t. Plenty of people—even those without football players in their families—plan their weddings so that the nuptials don’t interfere with camp. These dates are set WAY in advance, man. If the family member didn’t care enough about having you there to make sure the date wouldn’t interfere with camp, why would you even go? I honestly don’t get it.
Maybe the wedding was “spur of the moment.” If so, that’s cool…for the couple. YOU should have said “congrats, but I can’t make it because I am trying to win a job on a football team that will not hesitate to cut me if I suck or do stupid things.” Because, well, Kubiak will not hesitate to cut you if you suck or do stupid things.
And, yeah, the back spasms aren’t totally your “fault,” per se, but…well…they kind of make you look like a pussy. I’m just sayin’. Don’t get me wrong—I have a bad back and I know how painful such spasms can be. But I also know that they can be treated AND I know that, for me at least, they require me to actually DO SOMETHING before they flare up. Now, it could be that I am just tougher than you are. Totally possible. But, if so, that’s definitely not a good thing.
ANYWAY…yeah, you are really working my last good nerve, bro. But, because I am trying not to hate you, I have a tiny piece of advice: hike up your skirt and and get on the fucking field NOW, Nancy. It’s really the only way to prevent some serious unpleasantness.
Kissies,
Matt
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July 29th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Careful now, Matt - don’t bite the hand that feeds! If Crissy ends up making you hate him - that’s at least a couple months’ worth of blog material. Material you need now that “Ron Dayne likes pie” is no longer a usable tag line!
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It’s why I’m now somewhat concerned about the Rockets trading, cutting, and/or draw-and-quartering Rafer Alston. I need shit to write about.
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July 29th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
…kissies… much, much better than “kisses”
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July 29th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Matt, breath in…breath out…breath in…breath out.
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July 29th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Kubes says you can’t make the team from the tub.
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July 29th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
I think Chris REALLY hates training camp, and is looking for any excuse to cruise through these rough couple weeks, gets some carries in preseason, impresses us, make the team, plays a game or two, get another “injury”, and ride the pine the rest of the way… Hey, if I had a career that paid me that much to impress a little and watch games from the sideline, I’d probably do it, too…. maybe he’s not a true Texan yet…
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July 29th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Jacoby’s injury bothers me, too….his foot is bothering him, but he checks out ok? WTF?
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July 29th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Note to coaching staff: Those w/ the last name Brown do not begin camp well.
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July 30th, 2008 at 2:10 am
[...] decision to send him packing that much easier. Fine by me. I pretty much just agree with everything Matt [...]
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July 30th, 2008 at 5:49 am
@grungedave: You can now write about Artest to your heart’s content. That should take up some space.
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July 30th, 2008 at 8:33 am
@GlassHalfFull:
It’s beautiful… I now get to write about Artest, use fancy names like “Crazy Pills,” compare/contrast Artest’s personality to that of the Rockets’ resident Cowardly Lion (McGrady), AND I get to trash that no-talent-ass-clown Justice for not liking the trade. Win, win!!
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July 30th, 2008 at 8:44 am
@grungedave: On a totally non-Texan related note, I took Daryl Morey’s sports management class in grad school right before he took the Rocket’s GM job. That guy is not just a smart dude, but he’s also funny as shit and really cool. I totally trust him with the keys to the Rockets and I definitely would not say that about most of my profs.