God Hates The Cowboys
Jul 30, 2008 Blasphemy, Fake Conversations with Real People, Fuck the Cowboys, Ha ha... you like the Lions, Horribly obvious jokes
Heaven, 12:03 PM GMT, God’s House (which looks a lot like something Gilbert Arenas would design).
God: I don’t get it, Job. Athletes are constantly giving me credit when they win. Why is that? Why the hell should I care who wins in college basketball for example? I HATE basketball. And hockey players? Shit, I hate Canada as a whole. So, like I said, I don’t get it. People seem to think I like every sport and every person equally and that, for whatever reason, I bless some teams and some athletes to win like I’m a benevolent Tim Donaghy or some shit.
Job: Yeah, I never understood that. The ones that crack me up are the diehard Christians who claim you helped them do everything. Does Jon Kitna really think you would make someone into a mediocre quarterback if you gave a rat’s ass about him?
God: Exactly! The last QB I helped out was Kurt Warner for a few years, and that had more to do with me thinking his perpetual five o’clock shadow—which I also created—was pretty awesome. And I got just as much joy from ceasing to help him as I did from seeing him succeed. Jon Kitna?!? Please. Jon Kitna can suck my dick. Fuck Jon Kitna.
Job: Where’s all this coming from, anyway, dude?
God: Eh, I dunno. I was thinking about those douchebag Cowboys and them re-incorporating that fucking hole in their new stadium so I could watch. What a bunch of fucking assholes. I’ve tried everything through the years—letting Satan buy them, giving them a gay QB, introducing Michael Irvin to coke, making Romo fumble that game-winning FG, consistently making Jacques Reeves look like Petey Faggins—and they STILL think I like them.
Job: Yeah. Hey, wait. You did a ton of shit to me, too, and said it was because you “loved” me!
God: Totally different, man. Totally different. That was…um…a test. Anyway, the point is, I fucking HATE the Cowboys. How can I get this across to them more effectively? I thought putting Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones on their roster would do the trick, but I guess not.
Job: Hmm. How about a natural disaster?
God: You mean like another flood?
Job: No, nothing that severe just, I dunno, shake them up a bit.
God: Great idea! (causes massive earthquake) Maybe that’ll teach ‘em! Suck on shaking earth, you filthy sonsabitches!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Leonard Davis (on Earth): AGGGHHHHH!!! FUCK!!! SHIT GODDAMN!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? THE SKY IS FALLING!!!! JESUS, SAVE ME!!!! (breaks down in tears)
Job: Nicely done, man. Really, top-notch work. Oh, hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you—did you have a hand in David Tyree’s catch?
God: Of course.
Job: So, does that mean you are a Giants fan?
God: Hell no. I just cannot fucking stand the Patriots. Bunch of cheatin’ homos.
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July 30th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Beautiful. Just beautiful. I’ve had a sucky-assed day ^2, and this made me laugh. Thank you.
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July 30th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Ummm, God, we need to have a little chat.
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July 30th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Proof positive that God is just.
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July 30th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
“The last QB I helped out was Kurt Warner for a few years, and that had more to do with me thinking his perpetual five o’clock shadow—which I also created—was pretty awesome.”
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Laugh Out Loud, as the kiddies say. If Bulger comes out tomorrow at camp with a whispy Boonerville mustache, then I KNOW we’re destined for 10 wins.
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July 30th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I don’t think you could swing 10 wins if he grew a ZZ Top style beard.
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July 30th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Not that we are. Just saying.
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July 30th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Know what’s funny? When you made they gay QB joke, I didn’t bother checking the link at first, I just assumed it was Romo. Apparently lightning does strike the same place twice.
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July 30th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
@DemecoShallInheritTheEarth: When the boys used to have camp here in Austin, it was very well known that Troy Boy was a frequent visitor of the gay bars around town, including a couple of fairly hard core underground bars. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but there’s some entertainment value in it.
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July 30th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Are you saying God isn’t much of a Terrence & Philip fan? Now *that* is blasphemy!
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July 30th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
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What a great episode.
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July 30th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Good work. I’ve always suspected that God hates Canada. Good to know I’ve been right all these years.
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July 30th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I’ve heard for years from a couple of “inside people” that Troy is gay and lived for years and years with a renowned Dallas-area doctor, you know - for whatever that’s worth. That doesn’t bother me in the least bit, but since it makes so many Cowboy fans uncomfortable, it’s great.
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July 30th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
@DiehardChris: Bingo, Chris, I think you nailed it. At least the perverse sense of enjoyment I get out of the situation.
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@Shake: I actually hate that show. That episode and the masturbation episode were passingly funny, but I couldn’t stand it otherwise.
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July 30th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
@bigfatdrunk: Liar. I also saw your “I miss Friends” bumper sticker.
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July 31st, 2008 at 8:25 am
@bigfatdrunk: You are the only other person that I know besides myself that doesn’t like Seinfeld. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.
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July 31st, 2008 at 8:49 am
Fuck you guys. Seinfeld was funny. I don’t care if that makes me a bit of a “conformist”.
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July 31st, 2008 at 8:53 am
Everyone tells me I would love Seinfeld… I just don’t “get it”… so many shows I would consider much, MUCH funnier (no, not Friends).
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July 31st, 2008 at 9:58 am
@bigfatdrunk: @WillFist4Food: @grungedave: Ok, this is weird. I just had a conversation with a girl and her sister about how I had never heard anyone say they flat-out hated that show until she said it last night. Now you three out yourselves as Seinfeld haters. My world view has changed forever.
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July 31st, 2008 at 10:09 am
@DemecoShallInheritTheEarth: I suppose I’d like it more if it were funny, but I just don’t see the humor in a bunch of whiny Jews from New York who go on an on about nothing at all.
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July 31st, 2008 at 4:53 pm
@WillFist4Food: That’s why THIS Jew, from Kansas btw, is funny. Midwestern Jews are much different from New York or Chicago Jews. If you’ve ever watched Sex and the City, one of the characters summed up “general” New Yorkers perspectives…Hate and whine about everything. Again, just a generalization.
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July 31st, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Fuck New York. Just sayin.
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July 31st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
@Shake: NY still >>> Boston. I fucking LOATHE Boston.
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July 31st, 2008 at 8:41 pm
@Foomey: I’ve never met you, and only know you from comments on this blog (which I joined all of a few weeks ago), but you’ve already made me laugh more than all the Seinfeld episodes I’ve ever seen combined.
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July 31st, 2008 at 8:46 pm
@Foomey: Also, a Jew from Kansas who follows the Texans is, like, totally awesome.
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I’ll stop kissing your ass now.
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July 31st, 2008 at 9:16 pm
@WillFist4Food: *slips behind Foomey (cuz who hasn’t?) for my turn*
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August 1st, 2008 at 7:25 am
So, it seems you’re both having the salad today.