DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

My crush note to Paul Schwartz

Jul 31, 2008 David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Open Letters, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

Dear Paul,

It was with much interest that I read your moronic fluffing deeply insightful article on Houston’s most wanted favorite son, David Carr, aka Mr. Mittens.  As a tribute to your l33t reporting skills, I will give your article the proper respect it deserves: a full-on Fisking.

Let’s begin, shall we?

ALBANY - David Carr plans on using the Giants. The Giants plan on using David Carr.

Holy crap.  You actually write for a living?  Write in English?  And for a major newspaper?  I’d say this is cliched, but you’d probably just take it one day at a time.

“I told Coach [Tom] Coughlin I want to help the team any way I can, and I’m looking for them to help me as well,” a relaxed Carr said yesterday in between practice sessions at Giants training camp. “If we can both do that, it’s going to be positive for everybody.”

Hmmmmm, yes, I can see how this is an important quote to have in your “paper.”  A player says a cliche, and you are more than happy to gobble it up.  Well done!!!  That’s the precise definition of journamalism!

Consider this the ultimate user relationship.

What in the fuck does that mean?  I have no idea.  Please clarify.

This can be viewed as the last roundup for Carr, 29, who in 2002 was the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft, a great honor that devolved into a great headache when he languished within the moribund offense that was the Houston Texans.

Wow, where to begin.  Last roundup, you say?  Nice Texas reference, if it was at all amusing.  A “moribund offense,” you say?  Did it ever occur to you that the weak-working pretty boy was a primary reason for that “moribund offense?”  Do you think that the guy who didn’t attend team meetings and showed no passion for the sport might be a cause of the “moribund offense?”  My Durga, you are a fucking moron.

Five years later, he was mercifully released, the best option for his body and mind…

…to say nothing of Texans’ fans bodies and minds…

…and last season struggled through an unsatisfying and unsuccessful one-and-done stay with the Panthers.

Lemme guess.  That was the fault of the Texans, as well?  It had nothing to do with the fact the guy played dead on the field more than a passive opossum?

Can a career in tatters be repaired by the Super Bowl champions?

W.T.F?  Do you mean to infer that Super Bowl champions have some super-healing powers like de Leon’s Fountain of Youth?

“Being around a good group, guys who had the camaraderie these guys had, I watched them all through the playoffs, that was neat to see, man,” Carr said. “You don’t see that at this level, you see it in college and high school, there are no selfish guys. Seemed like the place I wanted to be.”

Because it is a proven fact that the Texans have 14 guys on death row, so this obviously makes sense.

This is a one-year trial for Carr, who after 262 career sacks - including a ghastly 76 as a rookie - is looking to reclaim the form and confidence that once made him a hot commodity. The backup role for the Giants is the cushiest job around, as long as Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning remains healthy.

No, the cushiest job around is being a writer for the New York Post because you have no editor, no knowledge, and no accountability.

Given the impossibility of Manning getting unseated, the security of five returning offensive linemen and the winning attitude permeating the franchise, Carr hopes he can get himself right in a pressure-free and hospitable environment and then head elsewhere to reclaim a starting role.

If there was one part of this article that proved you have no idea about football, this was it.  Your argument is, basically, that if he can hold a clipboard without dropping it or tripping over his own feet, it’s proof that he’s suddenly of starter quality?  And New York is a “pressure-free and hospitable environment?”  Personally, I’d like to know how you are still alive because breathing and walking at the same time must be terribly confusing for you.

One caveat: He first has to make the team.

But…but…but…it’s all the Texans’ fault!!!!  By himself, Zoolander is a god!  You’ve spent the entire article telling me so!

Carr missed the first handful of practices with a sore foot (plantar fasciitis) and watched while last year’s backup, Anthony Wright, hit the ground running.

Texans’ fault.  And, once again, this sentence negates everything above.  Your ability to self-contradict is awesome.

“He has been good in camp,” Coughlin said.

There you go again.  He missed practice, but he looks good in camp.  You are the one who inserted this quote, asshole, and you’d better be able to justify it.

Wright, 32, is in his 10th NFL season and a journeyman. If the Giants truly believed in him, they would not have signed Carr to a one-year deal. The No. 3 quarterback spot likely is reserved for rookie Andre’ Woodson.

Wow, you cited some facts and you didn’t fuck it up.  Well done.

Despite his pedigree, Carr is no lock.

But you spent the first part of this article telling me how nothing was Carr’s fault.  Ever.

This version is skinnier, has shaved off almost all his hair and certainly has been humbled.

Kick ass!  We have found the keys to his world domination!  If he wasn’t a dirty fucking hippie while he was with the Texans, he would’ve been good!

His offensive coordinator in Houston, Chris Palmer, is the Giants quarterback coach, which is a big plus.

Why?  Because Palmer was so successful with him the first time around?  Because Palmer has suddenly become the best QB coach in the history of man-kind?  Why?  Please tell me why this is good.

The question is whether the pummeling Carr has taken has turned him into a shell-shocked, jittery quarterback.

You really don’t know football, do you?

Asked to sum up his mentality with the protection-challenged Texans, Carr said “Survival, man, I was just trying to get back to my kids.”

And there you have it.  If you had any reason to doubt David Carr’s class or Paul Schwartz’ reporting ability, it’s captured right there.

Mr. Schwartz, let me finish this post with one, simple message: If you are going to report on football, at least take the time to watch a game or two and learn about it.  Otherwise, you’ll just post needless trash like this.

Oh, and FOAD.

Yours in Christ,

bfd