Getting to know….us!
Aug 13, 2008 BFD's Real Doll, Self-Referential Stuff
This might be the most gay sexually challenged post in the history of this blog, right after Matt’s unpublished mash note to Mittens, but, you know, fuck it. Yesterday was my 13th wedding anniversary with my wife (obviously, please send prayers/alcohol/prozac her way), so I’m feeling a little mushy. And gassy, natch. Here are the questions, and here are my responses. If you’re feeling equally dumb, play along!
If I were not a football player, I would be:
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
Favorite all-time song:
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Favorite guity pleasure:
Special talents:
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
Oh yeah, this is a bad idea, so here I go!!!!!
f I were not a football player, I would be:
A baseball player.
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
Begging my wife for sex.
Favorite all-time song:
Brent Best’s (of Slobberbone and The Drams) rendition of Cortez the Killer with The Gourds, back when when The Gourds was publishing their live stuff.
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Any time J.R. Richard pitched. I know it was a kid-crush, but he absolutely dominated in his prime. In person, he was a gentle giant. He’s one of baseball’s greatest failures yet best successes all at once.
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
Even as a kid, I knew they all sucked. Probably The Jetsons.
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Some pasty-faced Fat Albert.
Favorite guity pleasure:
Southern cooking. All of it. I mean, fried chicken, greens, wings, cajun, creamed anything, you name it. And especially BBQ. When it comes to Southern food, I am a stereotype.
Special talents:
Masturbating. I *have* been married for 13 years, donchaknow.
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
I was kinda shocked at the player answers. I was honored to watch VY win a Championship for the Horns, and I still cared about the Rockets in the Akeem days. But of everything, my beloved Oilers never won the big one, and I want the Texans to make that highlight come true. The day Mario is holding the Lombardi Trophy is the day that highlight comes true.
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August 13th, 2008 at 9:14 am
only one phrase comes to mind right now.
That being: “this is Kevin Spacey gay”
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August 13th, 2008 at 9:21 am
awwww, fuck it…
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If I were not a football player, I would be:
a porn star
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
commenting on this blog
(but I do that at work, too)
Favorite all-time song:
Lithium, Nirvana
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Rockets winning 2nd ring in 1995
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
He-Man
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Tobey Maguire
(I’m told I look a lot like him)
Favorite guity pleasure:
praying for Brett Favre to break his leg
(it’s a new hobby)
Special talents:
but it’s a family blog… oh, wait…
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
Bud Adams being struck by lightning in a Titans/Texans AFC Championship game with the Texans up 35-3
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August 13th, 2008 at 10:06 am
If I were not a football player, I would be:
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
Favorite all-time song:
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Favorite guity pleasure:
Special talents:
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
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August 13th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Fuck it… I’ll play.
-
If I were not a football player, I would be:
An engineer… I mean wait, no… shit
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
Drunk. Oh… not at work.
What the fuck are you looking at?!
Favorite all-time song:
Octavarium by Dream Theater
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Rocket’s first championship
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
Looney Tunes. They still make me laugh.
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Some sort of cross between Brad Pitt and John Holmes… only if they worked out more… and were taller.
Ok fine. I’ve heard I look like Charlie Sheen only if he were shorter and a little fatter.
Favorite guilty pleasure:
Burgers. A really good burger. With bacon.
Special talents:
I’ve played the saxomophone for over 20 years now.
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
Either a Texans Superbowl win or an Astros WS victory.
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August 13th, 2008 at 11:33 am
If I were not a football player, I would be:
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
Favorite all-time song:
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Favorite guity pleasure:
Special talents:
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
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August 13th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
If I were not a football player, I would be:
Nothing. I’m Alex Brink. I have no other talents or interests.
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
Begging BFD’s wife for sex? And if that was uncalled for, sitting on my ass playing Madden ‘05 because I’m too cheap to upgrade.
Favorite all-time song:
“Whites Only Party” by The Dears. Can’t get enough of it.
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Game 6 of the 2005 NLDS, Astros vs. Cardinals. It was the night after Lidge gave up the bomb to Pujols. Oswalt threw 118 pitches, and 110 of them were fast balls.
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
Johnny Quest.
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Jason Biggs. Apparently I look like the pie-fucker. Seriously, dead-ringer.
Favorite guilty pleasure:
Does Coldplay count?
Special talents:
Juggling, and random unexpected athletic feats (front-flips, dunking a volleyball on a ten-foot rim despite being a 5′11″ white kid).
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
Dunta Robinson coming back from his injury in week 17 and clinching a wild-card for the Texans with a game-winning pick-six.
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August 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
If I were not a football player I would be:
Probably just a much less in shape version of what I am now, a total nerd
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
Less bored
Favorite all-time song:
“Devil Went Down to Georgia” by Charlie Daniels Band
Favorite non-football sports moment:
This isn’t exactly a sports moment, but watching Hakeem speak live at the Toyota Center the night they hung up his jersey, in the middle of the Rockets beating the Suns and Shaq’s fat butt was pretty amazing
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
The Tick
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
My coaches and teammates called me “Tim Robbins” for most of high school because I looked so much like him, so he can have the part
Favorite guilty pleasure:
Spending too much time on sports blogs
Special talents:
Eating 33 pieces of pizza at CiCi’s and playing football the next day has to be some kind of talent
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
Breaking news: Albert Haynesworth banned from football after stomping on Tom Brady’s knees
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August 13th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
@nash: I will vouch for the pie-fucker likeness. Also, I will play along.
If I WERE a football player, I would be:
A receiver in the Kevin Walter or Ed McCaffrey mold.
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
Screaming drunk
Favorite all-time song:
Hardest question by far. Maybe “Sunken Waltz” by Calexico
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Don’t care that it was the final loss in a sweep. Getting to go to game four of the World Series was unbelievable, and Backe pitched a hell of a game.
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
Yogi Bear
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Not Zack Braff, not Zack Braff, not Zack Braff
Favorite guilty pleasure:
Chocolate-covered peanut butter balls
Special talents:
As of five minutes ago, I am able to bold some parts of my comments, while leaving other parts unformatted.
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
Mario and Amobi both come free at full speed. Mario blindsides Peyton, while Amobi launches himself right at his facemask. Manning is split into two equal pieces: his body, and his head.
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August 13th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Not Braff? That would be like Gandhi saying, “Not Ben Kingsley, not Ben Kingsley”.
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August 13th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
@nash: Pfft, good luck with that one.
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August 13th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I can’t believe nobody said something like….
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
Andre Johnson catching the game winning Touchdown In SuperBowl vs Cowboys as time expires.
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August 13th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
If I were not a football player, I would be:
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
Favorite all-time song:
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Favorite guity pleasure:
Special talents:
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
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August 13th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
If I were not a football player, I would be: One of the football player’s towels.
When I’m not at work, I’m most often: Cleaning the lint out of my bellybutton.
Favorite all-time song: “Respect”-Aretha Franklin
Favorite non-football sports moment: Mario Chalmers 3-point shot to win the Final Four! Suck it bitches!!!
Favorite cartoon as a kid: Speed Racer
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?: Bette Midler
Favorite guity pleasure: Visiting Doc Johnson’s website.
Special talents: I’m not even going to go there. *smirk*
Ideal SportsCenter highlight: I can only think of naked football players.
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August 13th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
@Foomey: When you were a kid, were the cartoons still black and white?
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August 13th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
@Matt: I guess since Stacy decided not to post on this one, you have to pick on me. Not that I can recall…then again…the alzheimers is starting to kick in at the young age of 37. Anything else you’d like to know about the prehistoric era?
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August 13th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
@Matt: OH, I almost forgot to add….Fucker.
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August 14th, 2008 at 3:59 am
Oh Christ I thought this was so fucking stupid when I first saw it. Yet, here I am, filling it out. And to think, I ignore 100% of these things on Myspace…
.
If I were not a
football playergovernment minion, I’d be…an even bigger waste of oxygen, and probably an even bigger burden on the government.
.
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
something resembling happiness. (Running, sleeping, or hanging out with girlfriend.)
.
Favorite all-time song:
Totally unfair question; it’s like asking you to choose between Victoria’s Secret models. Bob Dylan - “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall”. The man is our greatest poet. (Oh, and Alessandra Ambrosio in a pinch)
.
Favorite non-football sports moment:
Damn near breaking my wrist as a kid on a skateboard, then just days later in my first year of little league getting my first three hits ever, in ONE game, which were three doubles. (Honorable mention: at gym class in ninth grade, having my high school coach beg me to join the football team, except for that whole “my-parents-can’t-afford-the-district-mandated-insurance-which-is-why-I-was-kicked-off-the-baseball-team” part.)
.
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
Tom and Jerry.
.
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
Some bald guy? Probably Jason Statham because it’d be a really shitty movie.
.
Favorite guilty pleasure:
I take no guilt in my pleasures. Seriously, 30 years ago you could shack up with 17 year old girls, and now you can’t even look? …uh, nothing to see here, move along…
.
Special talents:
Yea pretty much nothing.
.
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
Bob McNair suplexing Mattress Mac for his stupid-ass full page Chronicle ad begging the Texans to draft Uncle Rico.
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August 14th, 2008 at 9:09 am
@socctty: Re: Mattress Mac
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I can’t really begrudge the guy for that. He is both a diehard Longhorn and Texans fan, and he let the two get mixed up.
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Oh, and a not heavily publicized fact is that Mac was a walk-on LB for the ‘70 National Champion Horns. His brother played Center for both the ‘69 & ‘70 championship teams. So you can see why his emotions got too involved after VY led Texas to the 1st NC since Mac got his ring.
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August 14th, 2008 at 9:23 am
@Shake: I still like socctty’s answer. Fuck Mattress Mac!
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August 14th, 2008 at 9:31 am
If I were not a football player, I would be:
>>>>>>An astronaut? It makes more sense than me being a football player, though I am pretty good at flag.
When I’m not at work, I’m most often:
>>>>>Doing this sort of stuff.
Favorite all-time song:
>>>>>Everything on Earth Wind and Fire’s Greatest Hits. Makes me happy.
Favorite non-football sports moment:
>>>>>Walking down the Richmond strip in 1995 with brooms after the Rockets swept the Magic in 4 games. High fiving the world. It was so crowded but everybody was so nice and happy–no rioting in Houston in June. There was some nekkidness, but this did not involve me.
Favorite cartoon as a kid:
>>>>>>Any cartoon directed by Chuck Jones.
What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
>>>>>>Kate Beckinsale. Becuase the spouse will watch any awful movie she is in. If he squints and is blurry drunk, maybe I look like her a bit.
Favorite guilty pleasure:
>>>>>>Mexican breakfast. Love it way too much.
Special talents:
>>>>>>This is my only talent: http://www.imatexan.com/profiles/Texans_Chick/profile_blogs.asp?POST_ID=140
Ideal SportsCenter highlight:
>>>>>>Texans Super Bowl win. Me holding some sign with a silly happy look on my face.