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A DGDB&D Exclusive!: The early works of Richard Justice

Aug 16, 2008 Dancing With the 'Tards, Little Dickie Justice

Note: Matt and I were honored to anonymously receive a box of Richard Justice’s old writings.  Many of them were written in pink or purple crayon and thus difficult to read, but we did the best we could.  Here is the first installment.  Special note: All “i”s were dotted with a smiley face.

by Little Dickie Justice, age 14, Memorial HS, 1974

Dear Diary,

Ohmygod!  He finally said “Hello” to me today, diary!  His name his Dylan Wayne Whitman, and he’s absolutely dreamy!  Somebody said he graduated like 4 years ago, but he’s here when I get here in the morning and he’s here when I leave in the afternoon.  Oh diary, it must be because I’m here!

And he does things that make other men cry.  People always seem to be thanking him after he gives them a plastic bag full of white powder, and others bow their heads in obvious deferment to his greatness, too scared and awed to even speak to him.  Everybody admires him and his really cool band t-shirts.  And he’s got the fastest car in the neighborhood.  He is greatness.

Oh diary!, his greatness is so great, it makes me proud to just be around him!  I feel like I can do more, and especially more for him, if you know what I mean diary.  Every day I get home and I practice on a banana for when he’s ready for me.  He just makes me feel so good about myself!

Diary, it’s my gift to you that I will document all of my adventures with him.  It’s the least I can do.  But, for now my sweet, diary, mommy bought me those new batteries, so I’m off to prepare for sweet, great, Texan Dylan.

XOXOXOXOXOX,

Dickie

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 16th, 2008 at 7:14 pm and is filed under Dancing With the 'Tards, Little Dickie Justice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

6 Responses to “A DGDB&D Exclusive!: The early works of Richard Justice”

  1. Matt
    (click arrow to reply)Reply to this comment
    August 16th, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    I laughed and got slightly ill at the same time. Well done.


  2. stacy
    (click arrow to reply)Reply to this comment
    August 17th, 2008 at 1:13 am

    sweet. utterly fucking sweet. we’re all going to hell.


  3. bigfatdrunk
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    August 17th, 2008 at 8:31 am

    Just as I suspected, RJ left himself plenty of CYA room with this article. To wit:

    Over the top? You think so? I thought it was understated. Someone at the Austin American-Statesman ripped it, too. But that person didn’t have the guts to put his or her name on it. Hey, I might be stupid, but at least I’m not gutless. I don’t think they quite get my humor. My stuff doesn’t play well with morons.–Richard

    So, I guess, we are supposed to believe this is satire. Two words: EPIC. FAIL.
    -
    Good satire is like stretching a rubber band. The basic substance is there, but it’s stretched to a breaking point.
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    Poor satire, as that written by RJ (if that is his argument) is either too silly *OR* looks exactly like reality.
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    Have no doubt that RJ’s body of work, as a whole with regard to VY, has been a constant virtual blowjob. This is why his satire fails so miserably. As far as morons not getting the humor? What humor is there to get?
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    As I’ve mentioned, I have a minor in journalism from UT. I knew my professors fairly well. I wonder how these professors would grade RJ’s performance today, considering his journalistic lack of integrity and his obvious inability to unlatch from VY’s cock. Again, I say: EPIC. FAIL.


  4. Matt
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    August 17th, 2008 at 9:13 am

    @bigfatdrunk: If you could contact one of the old profs and get a critique of RJ, that would fucking rule.
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    You know what would also rule? If someone stuffed that dickmouthed bastard into a woodchipper.


  5. GlassHalfFull
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    August 17th, 2008 at 12:48 pm

    @bigfatdrunk: Last week I posted this comment on TexansTalk.com

    I can only ASSuMe that he is joking/srcastic. The trouble is RJ so very cleverly disguises his sarcasm, and the result is that only he notices. Then the readers get all up in arms and he gets a gazillion comments insulting him, and he sits back and sneers at all the poor readers that don’t get his all so subtle and superior sense of humor. Then to top it off, the next day he writes a column that takes the exact opposite stance to whatever he wrote about the day before. Once again, he gets a bazillion comments, this time calling him a flip flopper and he laughs all the way to the bank to deposit his big, fat paycheck. Because the more comments he gets, the more he can prove to his editors that he has a huge readership base.

    Or he was serious, who can tell with him.”

    It applies equally well to this article. I think the thing that bugs me the most is the way he sneers at his readers. How in the world he still has a job at the Chronicle is beyond me.


  6. bigfatdrunk
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    August 18th, 2008 at 8:42 am

    @Matt: I actually thought about that, but the only one I kept contact with passed a couple of years ago.
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    @GlassHalfFull: Agreed. He seems to write for shock value only these days. And bloggers are the ones who lack integrity…