DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Uno

Sep 5, 2008 2008 Season, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong

Every time I hear the song “The Devil Went Down To Georgia,” two things jump out at me.  First, under the terms of the agreement, it was apparently up to the Devil to decide who won the competition.  No judges were named and no one else was mentioned in the song¹.  Now, maybe your mental version of Bud Adams’ spawn differs from mine, but I have serious doubts that ol’ Lou Cypher would be unbiased in picking the winner.  I mean, dude was in a bind (and way behind) or he never would have entered the contest in the first place.  Regardless, I really can’t see Satan saying “dang, ya got me…and, as I am a man of my word and not the embodiment of evil, I will honor the bet I made with you.”

But that brings me to the second observation.  Namely, the Devil fucking WON the competition.  That dude broke shit down² so it could forever remain broken.  Johnny, on the other hand, played some 10-second snippits from standard bluegrass classics??  Fire On The Moutain, House Of The Rising Sun, and a variation on Chicken In A Bread Pan?  Seriously?  The Devil just rocked your face off and you do some bluegrass covers?  Who are you, Bill Monroe’s retarded savant child?

ANYWAY…yeah.  On to the week one picks, bitches.  As always, I’m picking straight up rather than against the spread.

Arizona @ San Francisco.  Interesting tale, these recent Cardinals teams.  Though it’s been close to four years, it seems like they went from “this is the year they surprise people” to “man…they STILL fucking suck” almost overnight and without ever surprising anyone but the people dumb enough to think they’d surprise people.  Odd.  Besides, I’ll be double-goddamned if I am going to pick JT O’Sullivan to win his opener.  Pick: Arizona

Seattle @ Buffalo.  Hmm…I still think Buffalo can sneak into the playoffs this year, but I am beginning to forget why I thought that in the first place.  On the other hand, I am stuck with Hasselbeck as my starter in one fantasy league, so I guess I’ll just back him.  Pick: Seattle

Cincinnati @ Baltimore.  I wish regular NFL games had cool nicknames like “The Border War” and “The Red River Shootout.”  Because, if they did, I would be pushing real hard for this game to get “Bi-Annual Suckfestorama.”  Hey, didn’t you USED to be Ray Lewis?  Honestly, the only reason I can come up with for watching this game will be to see if Chad Ocho Cinco has his new last name on his jersey.  Pick: Baltimore

Dallas @ Cleveland.  Bigger pussy—Tony Romo or Brady Quinn.  On one side, you’ve got a guy who lets his girlfriend wear a pink jersey to the game and sit in the owner’s box so the camera can find her every thirty-seven seconds.  On the other, you’ve got

Hell, who am I kidding??  Brady win this one in a walk.  Er, a prance.  Pick: Dallas

Detroit @ Atlanta.  Dear Matt Ryan, We thought you’d like to ease your transition into the NFL by not having to face a defense in Week 1.  You’ll still lose, because your team is shit, but this should help a bit.  Sincerely, NFL Schedule Makers.  Pick: Detroit

Chicago @ Indianapolis.  I’ve never hidden the fact that I honestly, truly wish Peyton Manning would have both Achilles tendons cut with a rusty butter knife.  Barring that, I hope his infected knee flames up and he misses 10 games.  Barring THAT, I hope he gets SuperAIDS from Kenny.  Sadly for Bears fans, all three could happen this week and the Colts would still win.  Pick: Indianapolis

Jacksonville @ Tennessee.  Let’s be really clear about something—I think J’ville is going to slide a bit this year, but I think Tennessee is going to suck.  Pick: Jacksonville.  Bonus pick: Young has NO TDs.

Kansas City @ New England.  Kansas City’s 2008 season is going to look like Derrick Thomas drove it on an ice-covered interstate.  Pick: New England

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans.  That New Orleans D is going to struggle with potent offenses.  Tampa Bay is not a potent offense.  Conversely, that New Orleans offense is going to light some motherfuckers up.  Tampa Bay is some motherfuckers.  Pick: New Orleans

New York Jets @ Miami.  Favre + Favre+ Favre + Forcing this game down the nation’s collective throat = Loss.  Pick: Miami

St. Louis @ Philadelphia.  When I lived in St. Louis, one of my good friends was a chick who went to school in Philadelphia.  She is marrying an Eagles fan next summer.  Everyone I will know at that wedding, I will have originally met in St. Louis.  None of this has shit to do with shit.  Pick: Philadelphia

JUGGERNAUT @ Pittsburgh.  Fuck yes, baby. (Just so we are clear, I am going to continue my annoying habit of picking us to win every single week.  Thankfully, I figure this will only cost me 6 or 7 games this year.)  Pick: HOUSTON

Carolina @ San Diego.  How much would you pay to see Steve Smith and Shawne Merriman fight?  $50?  $500?  Regardless, I’m betting on the angry midget.  Not in this game, though.  Pick: San Diego

Denver @ Oakland.  Run, DMC!  Because there is no passing game at all!  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, DUDE!  Pick: Denver

Minnesota @ Green Bay.  Dear Aaron Rodgers, You know all that shit we said up there about Matt Ryan?  Yeah, not so much for you.  Suck it, NFL Schedule Makers.  Pick: Minnesota.

¹ Other than the band of demons, but you get the point.
² With help from the aforementioned demons.