DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Ranting About Commercials

Nov 23, 2008 2008 Season, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Fuck Jared Allen, Fuck the Cowboys, Ha ha... you like the Lions, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong

The GEICO Caveman commercials are dumb on a number of levels.  I mean, beyond just the “wow, the caveman joke was only moderately funny in the first one and has been ridiculous since.”  Be they on motorcycles, ordering duck with mango salsa, or bitching to their agents on a cell phone at the airport, the only thing the commercials make me want to do is punch the first person I meet who uses GEICO.  But the latest one, where the caveman is playing tennis against Billy Jean King?  Yeah, I don’t even get it.

Here’s what I mean:  There are GEICO signs at eye level around the entire place, as you can see over the caveman and King’s respective shoulders, so it’s not even remotely possible that the caveman could have been playing tennis–a game that requires you to move around and thus change your field of vision–without seeing one.  Hell, he couldn’t have even walked onto the court without encountering more than one sign.  Even worse, though, is the premise.  Why would he think he was beating King?  He tells her to take a gander at the scoreboard.  He honestly thinks he’s winning, yet he hasn’t even gotten a serve in (according to King)?  How is that possible?  Are we supposed to believe that he’s savvy enough to understand bigotry and thus that GEICO’s caveman campaign is offensive to him, yet he’s not bright enough to get that you might have to win a point to win a tennis match?  The fuck?

And they are sitting at 6-0, 6-0, 5-0, which raises two more questions.  First, that’s 68 serves and multiple side changes, so I ask again “how is it possible that he hasn’t seen one of the myriad GEICO signs already?”  It’s not, that’s how.  Second, considering he’s a caveman with no talent for tennis and she’s an old woman, why are they playing best-of-five (men’s Grand Slam scoring) rather than the far-more-common best-of-three scoring?

This is, honestly, a new layer of stupid for an already extremely stupid ad campaign.

Bonus Bitching:  The new Blackberry AT&T commercial, with the sprinter who keeps telling you that he’s fast?  His 100-yard dash time–and he WINS the event handily–is somewhere around 13.5 seconds.  That’s not fast at all for an Olympic (or even college) sprinter.  What this tells me is the new Blackberry looks fast but actually underperforms.  Great attention to detail, AT&T.  Truly brilliant.  (And for those who would say that AT&T is running the clock so that it accurate represents how long he’s been speaking, why?  We’ve already suspended disbelief that the guy could (a) sprint while playing on his phone, (b) win the race while doing the same, and (c) basically speed-walk faster than the other sprinters are running.  Why make the time the only realistic thing, thereby making the commercial nonsensical?)

Week 11 Picks: Lazy
Week 10 Picks: 5-8
Week 9 Picks: 7-7
2008 Season: 60-55

Week 12 Picks:

Philadelphia v. Baltimore.  The worst part about the Phillies World Series win is that it gave Philly phans a sense that maybe God does not hate them.  Can’t have them thinking THAT.  So, with all of this week’s articles about “is this the beginning of the end of the Reid-McNabb era,” I am calling a big Philly win.  The only thing better than an angry Philly phanbase is a divided and conflicted group of battery chuckers.  Also, McNabb is a retard.  Pick: Philadelphia.

JUGGERNAUT v. Cleveland.  If we cannot stop a Browns team that features a damaged, gay QB and a WR with a severe case of the dropsies, not to mentioned a hobbled TE, we should consider team seppuku.  And by “team seppuku,” I mean “lighting Richard Smith on fire.”  Pick: Houston.

Tampa Bay v. Detroit.  Strange but true, I actually know TWO Lions fans.  Poor self-loathing bastards.  Pick: Tampa Bay.

Buffalo v. Kansas City. I can think of at least three games this year where Kansas City kicked a short FG while trailing when they absolutely should not have kicked.  YOU PLAY TO COME CLOSE TO WINNING THE GAME!!!  Pick: Buffalo.

Chicago v. St. Louis. When I was in law school, I had a classmate–a lifelong St. Louisan–tell me that St. Louis was geographically closer to Chicago (roughly 300 miles away) than to Kansas City (roughly 250 miles away).  She was vehement about this.  We argued for ten minutes.  Finally, I pulled up Mapquest, showed her she was wrong, and then told her she was never allowed to speak to me again.  When I lifted that ban a few months later (because, hey…boobs), she told me that Albert Pujols had never played 3B for the Cardinals.  That’s what I get for asking female opinion, I guess.  Pick: Chicago

New York Jets v. Tennessee.  I mentioned it earlier this week, but if you are only a Titans’ fan because they drafted Vince Young, then your mother is probably a service animal for drunken sailors.  “Yay, I root for a draft bust, but now I get to cheer for the second-best team in the league and pretend like I’ve liked them all along!”  FUCK. YOU.  Pick: New York.

New England v. Miami.  How pissed do you think Miami is about not tackling Matt Schaub at the end of our game?  Pick: Miami.

Minnesota v. Jacksonville.  Let’s flashback to August of 2008.  Those were the salad days, my friends.  Hope was springing eternal for all teams, but possibly no two moreso than the Vikings and the Jaguars.  Though some brilliant people predicted that the Jags would miss the playoffs, many people were calling a Vikings-Jags Super Bowl due to both team’s power running and run defense formulae.  Yeah…not so much.  Also, Fuck Jared Allen.  Pick: Minnesota.

San Francisco v. Dallas.  I am basing this on nothing but a conversation I had with some friends this week, but I honestly think the Niners could win this game.  They damn near beat the Cardinals and AZ’s offense is a LOT better than Dallas’.  Fuck the Cowboys.  Pick: San Francisco.

Oakland v. Denver.  I have a sneaking suspicion that Jay Cutler jacks off to the thought of himself jacking off.  And he’s convinced that he jacks better and more forcefully than any other QB in the league.  Pick: Denver.

Carolina v. Atlanta.  Matt Ryan is like a non-running, better-throwing, knowledgeable-of-the-playbook Michael Vick.  Or something like that.  Pick: Carolina.

New York Giants v. Arizona.  Up there where I said the Titans were the second-best team in the league?  That was a reference to the Giants being the best.  And they are.  By far.  Pick: New York.

Washington v. Seattle.  “Jim Zorn returns to the Pacific Northwest” ranks somewhere between “Travis Johnson’s nude workout routine” and “Jared Allen explains what a good human he is” on the watchability scale.  Seattle BLOWS.  Pick: Washington.

Indianapolis v. San Diego.  I have a season-long $20 bet that the Colts would not be six games better than the Texans.  I need this one.  Pick: San Diego.

Green Bay v. New Orleans.  Her questionable choice of men, utter vapidity, and probability of having many rare STDs notwithstanding, can we all just agree that Kim Kardashian’s ass is a thing of beauty?