Roads are just a suggestion, Marge. Just like pants.
Jan 2, 2009 Fuck Jared Allen, Gary Kubiak, Inanity, Self-Referential Stuff, Vinsanity
About a year ago, I made my first New Year’s Blogolutions.
- use the words “fuck” and its derivatives (fucknut, fuckstick, fucktard, etc.) more often.
- make at least one post questioning the heterosexuality of random players and coaches each month.
- continue to mock David Carr and laugh at his failures, even as he becomes less and less relevant to Texans fans.
- continue to make bets of liquor with people I have never met. (Hopefully, I will win one at some point.)
- make a trip to Austin next season to watch a game and get as drunk as possible with people I met on the internet.
- embrace the dorkiness inherent in blogging. And then molest it.
- push fake conversations to the point that someone sends me a cease and desist letter.
- run better between the tackles than Reggie Bush.
- maintain my dominance in Google searches for “Filipino tranny porn” and try to improve my ranking for “houston bukkake parties” and “texans blog.”
- create wildly speculative pre-draft rumors, and proclaim my brilliance for any that might come true.
- convince myself by February that the Texans will make the playoffs in 2008.
Overall, I’d say we did fairly well. I never did get a cease-and-desist letter, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. I definitely nailed numbers 1 and 4. In fact, only the Austin trip was a complete airball. Not bad. Might as well set some goals for 2009 while we’re at it. Just like last year, these blogolutions are written to compensate for the fact that “no one ever seems to make resolutions that reflect the hedonistic, self-destructive, and questionably-legal things they actually want to do.”
In 2009, I will:
- Suffer some sort of personal or professional embarrassment as a result of this blog.
- Invent at least four new derivatives of the word “fuck.”
- Get blindingly drunk with at least one person who reads this post.
- Promote Vonta Leach as a cult hero.
- Finish the Bentley-Demps saga and create some new drama that inappropriately involves members of Gary Kubiak’s family.
- Expand the blog’s actual football coverage, especially around the draft and training camp, to include more than just link dumps and other bits of laziness.
- Interview someone about something.
- Run Simpsons and Pulp Fiction references into the ground. Again.
- Have to apologize to my interviewee for the behavior of the commenters after I post the interview.
- Continue to mock the mental health of Vince Young.
- Repeatedly suggest that Jared Allen should be sodomized with a variety of household objects.
- Have this blog banned in China.
Like last year, feel free to add your own in the comments.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 11:49 am
“Have this blog banned in China.”
Can you put that one on hold for about… five months?
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January 2nd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@nash: Are you going to China or do you just feel the Chinese need access to my witty draft banter?
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January 2nd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
What? No grandiose/twisted plans for Dickie Justice? What do you think his 09 resolutions are?
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January 2nd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
If you want the blog banned in China, just say bad things about Yao Ming. Then not only will China ban you, but then so will my blog!
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“Invent at least four new derivatives of the word ‘fuck.’”
… that’s fucktastic!
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January 2nd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
The lack of a Reggie Bush related blogoloution either says something about his growing irrelevance or your new found restraint.
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Hmm… probably the first one.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
@grungedave: But I love Yao. How about Yi Jianlian? Can I just mock him?
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@Vega: Eh, I just didn’t want to re-use him in this year’s entry. Plus, everyone realizes he’s a sucky vag by now.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
@Matt: Not sure if mocking Yi will really incite the masses. I think his own parents mock him.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I’ve always dreamed of making the top commenters list…but it might take more than making a smart-assed comment once a month.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
@Matt: I think even Easy Yi’s own teammates mock him, so that might not work. Maybe if you got evidence on the under-age status of all their gymnasts you’ll get blocked (proven to work once before!)
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why the fuck am I at work today?
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January 2nd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@grungedave: Because working today when no one’s around means not haveing to act like your busy…at least for me.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Matt: Unless you already own a copy, I suggest that you purchase a the “F Word” book. That should create some sort of inspiration for your pilgrimage to create new fuck-a-rific words. It’s my bible, and I’m fortunate to own a first edition.
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With regards to getting drunk with someone on this blog. WTF, dude!! You blew us Austin/SA folks off. I think your resolution should be an obvious one…
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What’s your work#…I can help out with #1.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 6:53 pm
“Get blindingly drunk with at least one person who reads this post.”
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This is a distinct possibility with me for four reasons all centered around early September: (1) The 2009 NFL season kicks off on September 10th; (2) I am officially off of active duty on September 9th; (3) Labor Day (aka national beer and barbecue day) is September 7th; (4) My 25th birthday is September 5th.
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I might die of alcohol poisoning over that stretch…
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January 2nd, 2009 at 11:14 pm
@socctty: After serving our country, please feel free to enjoy that week in September however you see fit.
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And make sure that someone takes lots of pictures, so that we can have a Memorial Post for you following your death.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 11:15 pm
@Foomey: I’ll pay for that month’s cell phone bill if you get Matt’s work #.