Kickoff
Jun 27, 2008 2002 Draft, Fuck, Horribly obvious jokes, Huh?, Inanity, Kickoff, Sandy Vag, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
I suppose it’s better than learning from David Carr. In general, you probably shouldn’t try to teach things you don’t understand yourself. In that vein, I put Vince Young’s teaching of “proper QB technique” right up there with me teaching social grace and tact and BFD teaching about sex after 35. (H/T Eric)
Wow. Speaking of Zoolander, I lack the words to adequately describe the shirt/hat combo he’s wearing in this picture. I think I’ll go with “unfortunate, ridiculous, and gay as shit,” but I know that doesn’t quite get there.
Oh, fuck this. Finally, let’s just stick keep kicking Zoolander while he’s down because it’s Friday and this shit is fun. Is that a velour hat? And, um, that t-shirt is only funny if you get the pun, which would also make it sort of…well…inappropriate in this given situation. Good lord, every single day I am more glad that Sandy is gone.
Thanks, Joey!
Jun 25, 2008 2002 Draft, Awfulness, Sandy Vag, Stats
According to Pro Football Reference, it was only the amazing levels of suckitude put forth by Joey Harrington and Rick Mirer that kept David Carr from topping the Worst QB (Career) list. But, still, I guess he can point to one other QB from the same time period and say, “See! I told you I wasn’t THAT bad!”
Plus, I suppose Carr could point to the fact that only during his 2002 season was he the worst QB in the league. And his 2002 season was only the fourth worst in history. So, yeah…maybe we totally misread the guy.
From the article:
Here’s a list of the 25 worst seasons by any QB:
year att pyd ptd icp sk-syd any/a Rating Bud Schwenk 1942 CRD 295 1360 6 27 - 0.69 -1243 Jack Jacobs 1948 GNB 184 848 5 21 - -0.26 -1158 Jake Plummer 1999 ARI 381 2111 9 24 27-152 2.38 -1017 Archie Manning 1975 NOR 338 1683 7 20 49-390 1.20 - 972 David Carr 2002 HOU 444 2592 9 15 76-411 3.07 - 942
And more:
How about the worst QB in the league for every season since the merger?
Quarterback Year Team ANY/A Rating Trent Dilfer 2007 SFO 2.09 - 754 Andrew Walter 2006 OAK 2.69 - 764 Kyle Orton 2005 CHI 2.97 - 815 A.J. Feeley 2004 MIA 3.15 - 806 Joey Harrington 2003 DET 3.56 - 738 David Carr 2002 HOU 3.07 - 942
And the rest:
Okay, I know what you’re all waiting for. Let’s get to the career list.
Quarterback Att Rate Joey Harrington 2538 -2129 Rick Mirer 2043 -2081 David Carr 2206 -1804
The methodology for these ratings can be found here. This is either hilariously sad or depressingly funny, I’m not sure which.
Top 5 Worst Decisions By Texans Brass
Jun 20, 2008 2002 Draft, 2004 Draft, Anger, Awfulness, Bad Idea Jeans, Sandy Vag, Top 5, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts
As we continue channeling my inner Rob Gordon, we turn to another not-so-pleasant list of memories: the top 5 all-time front office fuck-ups. I promise to move on to something positive at some point, but that ain’t today, bitches.
(H/T to Dave for the topic idea.)
5. Signing Todd Wade. In 2004, we gave this turd a 6-year, $30MM contract with $10MM signing bonus. Over the next two seasons, he received just over $12MM in salary and bonuses. In that same timeframe, he contributed roughly $48 worth of actual quality gameplay.
4. Refusing to employ a 3-4 NT in a 3-4 Defense. You know, I liked Seth Payne. You probably liked Seth Payne. Seth Payne was a seemingly nice dude and he worked his ass off. In a 4-3, defense, that kind of attitude and work ethic might have paid big dividends. In a 3-4, when you are only 303 lbs, that kind of effort is necessary to stay afloat. Sam Adams, Casey Hampton, Jamal Williams–these are 3-4 NTs. Seth Payne was not, yet we never ever got one, despite running that D for 4+ years. I hate you Dom Capers.
3. Trading back to take Travis Johnson over Derrick Johnson. Man…just…I mean…FUCK. Derrick Johnson was the dude I wanted most in that draft, he was sitting RIGHT THERE, and we decide to say, “nah, fuck it, let’s take this other Johnson.” Great. And then that Other Johnson turns out to be a retard dickhead who hasn’t lived up to his potential at all. AWESOME. HAPPY DAYS. I’M MOVING ON BEFORE SOMEONE DIES.
2. The David Carr Experience. I had about three different, Carr-specific decisions for this list, but I figured I’d just lump them together and give him the penultimate place on this list. Let’s see–passing over Julius Peppers–who was an obvious monster–to take a Fresno State pretty boy with a meddling daddy? Letting him “play” for five seasons, despite a mountain of evidence piling up that he was either too shell-shocked or too shitty to play the position? Watching him seem oblivious to his own shittiness and grin like a retard even after losses? Keeping him around for an additional $8MM roster bonus as some sort of reclamation project for Kubiak? Wow, Dave. Thanks for the memories. May you burn in hell.
1. Trading for Phillip Buchanon. On the surface, for a moment or three, this seemed like a decent move by the Texans. I mean, the pricetag was high (a 2d and a 3d), but Buchanon had shown the ability to be a top-flight corner, and now we had him. Of course, any love and admiration for P.Buch evaporated like a wet fart in August once he took the field and displayed a complete inability to tackle anyone. At all. Ever. I still have nightmares of his attempted “tackle” against Pittsburgh.
Also receiving votes: The continued employment of Petey Faggins, the cost of Jason Babin, throwing multiyear money at Ahman Green, and 94% of the other decisions made by Casserly/Capers
A Timeline Of Petey Faggins’ Suckiosity
Feb 8, 2008 2002 Draft, 2007 Season, Bloggerating, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Had to post something, History, Inanity, Self-Referential Stuff
June 13, 1979–On my first birthday, Petey Faggins is born. In what will become a lifelong theme, Faggins consistently misses the nipple as he tries to breast feed. He quickly learns that his only hope is to grab it with both hands and hope he can get his face there before it breaks free.
May 3, 1983–Three-year-old Petey’s pet turtle Rodrigo escapes. Petey attempts to tackle the turtle before it can get away, but misses completely. He lays on the ground crying as the turtle bolts for safety. His grandmother boos him for the first time.
November 25, 1990–Petey wins the role of Miles Standish in his fifth-grade Thanksgiving play. Despite an outstanding performance by little Stevie Johnson as Squanto, the play falls flat because Petey flubs all his lines and even falls off the stage at one point. The Pilgrims are booed mercilessly.
December 25, 1993–14-year-old Petey receives an autographed Deion Sanders football for Christmas. He holds it up and proclaims that he is going to be in the NFL as a defensive back one day, too. He then drops the football, breaking his grandma’s favorite ornament, prompting the old lady to punch him in the mouth. He cries.
January 15, 1997–Petey Faggins signs his letter of intent to play for Navarro Junior College. When asked why he didn’t sign with an NCAA school, Faggins offers only that they “didn’t know what they were missing.” People assume he is joking, so they laugh. Faggins dies a little inside.
July 29, 1999–Faggins transfers to Kansas State after two years at Navarro, where he quickly endears himself to the QBs he is facing in practice. “He’s a nice guy–never shows you up at all” says one QB.
April 21, 2002–On the strength of a good senior year, Faggins is drafted in the Sixth Round by the Houston Texans. Charlie Casserly goes to shake his hand, but Petey bites on what he thinks is a fake and nearly trips up the stairs. Dom Capers throws up a little.
October 13, 2002–Makes NFL debut, playing special teams against Buffalo. Was heard remarking “aw, crap” as Buffalo’s returners ran past him time and time again. Rumored to have considered making tackle, if only the other players would stop moving.
August 31, 2003–Released by the Texans, then signed the following day to the practice squad. Finds the level of competition on the practice squad to be similar to the NFL, thus he still sucks.
November 9, 2003–Resigned to active roster and makes season debut against the Cincinnati Bengals. Does not notch a tackle and receives several phone calls from childhood friends after the game reminding him that he sucks. He cries himself to sleep that evening.
September 2, 2004–Realizes that he will be on the active roster for the whole season, barring injury. Wants to go out with friends to celebrate this revelation, but all of them have other things to do. Faggins is empty inside.
2005 season–Starts 10 games. Every now and then, he does something positive and people begin to wonder if he is starting to suck less.
2006 season–Fighting an injury for much of the year, the time he does get on the field is spent dissuading the notion from last season. At one point, he nearly gets in a slap-fight with David Carr when Carr suggests that even he could light up Faggins. The fight is avoided, however, when in a shocking turn of events three or four other teammates chime in in agreement with Carr.
May 2, 2007–Da Good, Da Bad, and DeMeco is founded. The first post features this nugget: “Second, Demarcus Faggins and Dexter McCleon and Von Hutchins combine for a Suckfactor* score of roughly 9–a number that Jamar Fletcher is unlikely to bring down.” The blog will spend the entire summer railing about how awful Faggins is, but the pleas will fall upon deaf ears.
September 30, 2007–Faggins’ play against the Atlanta Falcons prompts this entry: “After last week, the pro-Petey stance was that he had matched up with great receivers and, thus, had no chance. Well, he’s in the process of getting meat-shanked by Harrington and some no-name wideouts, and he has two PIs and two holds. In short, he’s playing like someone who sucks. Because he is someone who sucks. So, new rule at DGDB&D (which, I believe, is our first and only rule): Excuses and/or praise for Faggins are verboten. Seriously.”
November 13, 2007–The injury to Dunta Robinson does not get Petey back into the starting lineup, much to my happiness. Of course, I also lose my mind and go off on the following rant:
Which actully dovetails into the bigger point I wanted to make. Namely, that my dumb ass has been screaming since the inception of this blog about how bad Faggins is (pre-blog, actually, but I have no visual proof of that), yet it took the Texans’ cognoscenti OTAs, training camp, and multiple shitty games–including games where you could pin the majority of the blame for the loss on him–before they could see what we already knew.
How is this possible? How is it that people who, given the chance, would explain to us how they understand football in ways we never will could themselves be so clueless about something so obvious? I understand the desire for them to give him the benefit of the doubt. I even understand not selling him out to the media after the Panthers game. But I do not, cannot, and will not pretend to understand how they could keep rolling out one of the worst starters in the NFL week after week.
And that is exactly what they are admitting with a move like this one with Hutchins. They are saying that Petey is so bad as a starting corner that even a season-ending injury is not enough to move him up the depth chart; that they would rather un-convert a CB-cum-safety than let Petey stink up the joint as a starter. To which I can only say, “duh” and “thank god,” respectively.
I guess what I am looking for is some sort of mea culpa from the front office or even from Kubiak himself. I just want a little “ok, my bad…Faggins is just not capable of doing this and we are sorry we pretended otherwise, but, look, we’re doing something to fix it.” I know I will never get this, though, so I suppose this Hutchins thing will just have to do.
If Faggins is on the opening day roster in 2008, though, I reserve the right to have someone killed.
December 31, 2007–To ring in the New Year, Faggins wants to go to a party in his neighborhood. He changes his mind, however, when he sees that the invitation tells him to bring a “covered dish” and he has no idea what “covered” means. Instead, he sits at home by himself, watching the ball drop on television. This vision calms him for some reason.
February 8, 2008–After another full season of sucking, Faggins causes a blogger to snap and write a barely-funny timeline in lieu of a post about how Faggins is the Good Charlotte of the NFL.
Julius Peppers and Clinton Portis might have helped
Jul 7, 2007 2002 Draft, 2003 Draft, 2004 Draft, 2005 Draft, 2006 Draft, Athletes who don't stab people, Batman, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Offensive (punch)Line, Posts that list too many players, Secondary issues are primary
This weekend’s apparent themerology is piggy-backing on posts at BRB. Because I am lazy, mainly, and because–let’s face it–it’s not like there’s a lot out there to comment upon.
Anyway… Tim links to the Texans’ draft history and then points out that only these players are still on the roster:
Pitts (2002)
Weary (2002)
Faggins (2002)
Dre (sole remaining 2003 draftee)
Dunta (2004)
Babin (2004)
Earl (2004)
C. Anderson (2004)
Tr. Johnson (2005)
Mathis (2005)
Hodgdon (2005)
C.C. Brown (2005)
Eww.
But, continuing that post one step further, who could we have had? By which I mean, who were the three picks taken immediately after our picks in each round? (I use the next three somewhat arbitrarily, but under the assumption that all of the teams would have had those fours players ranked somewhat similarly. I realize how faulty this assumption is when taken to Babin-esque extremes, but I had to draw the line somewhere. Occasionally, I will note when a very good player was taken more than three picks after ours. Also, by and large, this ignores any trades up or down.)
In 2002:
Round 1. We took David Carr. The next three were Julius Peppers, Joey Harrington, or Mike Williams (T, Texas). Ouch. Seriously… ouch. Best possible pick: Peppers.
Round 2, Pick 1. We took Jabar Gaffney. We could have had DeShaun Foster, Kalimba Edwards, or Josh Reed. Best possible pick: Foster or Reed.
Round 2, Pick 2. We took Chester Pitts. We could have had Clinton Portis, Anthony Weaver (oh… wait), or Langston Walker. Best possible pick: Portis.
Round 3, Pick 1. We took Fred Weary. We could have had Matt Schobel, Andre Goodman, or Saleem Rasheed. Best possible pick: Weary.
Round 3, Pick 2. We took Charles Hill. We could have had Lamar Gordon, Kris Richard, or Marquise Walker. Best possible pick: Walker?
Round 4. We took Jonathon Wells. We could have had Dante Wesley, Kevin Bentley, or Jeff Chandler. Best possible pick: Wells, strangely.
Round 5, Pick 1. We took Jarrod Baxter. We could have had Randy Fasani, John Owens, or Justin Bannan. Best possible pick: Owens, I guess.
Round 5, Pick 2. We took Ramon Walker. We could have had Jonathan Goodwin, Terry Jones, or Aaron Kampman. Best possible pick: Kampman.
Round 6, Pick 1. We took DeMarcus Faggins. We could have had Keith Heinrich, Chris Cash, or Kevin Thomas. Best possible pick: Insanely, Faggins.
Round 6, Pick 2. We took Howard Green. We could have had Jeb Putzier (oh… wait), Reggie Coleman, or John Stamper. Best possible pick: Putzier.
In 2003:
Round 1. We took Andre Johnson. We could have had Dewayne Robertson, Terence Newman, or Johnathan Sullivan. Best possible pick: Johnson.
Round 2. We took Bennie Joppru. We could have had Ken Hamlin, Pisa Tinoisamo, or Taylor Jacobs. Best possible pick: Hamlin.
Round 3, Pick 1. We took Antwan Peek. We could have had Lance Briggs, Jason Witten, or Gerald Hayes. Best possible pick: Briggs or Witten, depending on what you needed.
Round 3, Pick 2. We took Seth Wand. We could have had Mike Seidman, Musa Smith, or Wade Smith. Best possible pick: N/A.
Round 3, Pick 3. We took Dave Ragone. We could have had Andrew Williams, Donald Strickland, or Visanthe Shiancoe. Best possible pick: Shiancoe.
Round 4. Domanick Williams (nee Davis). We could have had Montrae Holland, Bradie James, or George Wrighster. Best possible pick. Williams. (Assante Samuel was taken 19 picks after ours.)
Round 6, Pick 1. We took Drew Henson. We could have had Marques Ogden, Aaron Hunt, or Antonio Garay. Best possible pick: N/A.
Round 6, Pick 2. We took Keith Wright. We could have had Scott Kooistra or Ben Johnson. Best possible pick: N/A.
Round 7, Pick 1. We took Curry Burns. We could have had Malaefou MacKenzie, Justin Bates, or Blue Adams. Best possible pick: N/A.
Round 7, Pick 2. We took Chance Pearce. We could have had Spencer Need, Ahmaad Galloway, or Brandom Drumm. Best possible pick: N/A.
In 2004:
Round 1, Pick 1. We took Dunta Robinson. We could have had Ben Roethlisberger, Jonathan Vilma, or Lee Evans. Best possible pick: Vilma, though Evans could change that with another good season or three. (Tommie Harris was taken right after Evans.)
Round 1, Pick 2. We took Jason Babin. We could have had Chris Gamble, Michael Jenkins, or Kevin Jones. Best possible pick: Gamble.
Round 4. We took Glenn Earl. We could have had Stacy Andrews, Michael Waddell, or Jason David. Best possible pick: David, though Earl is close.
Round 6, Pick 1. We took Vontez Duff. We could have had Triandos Luke, Kelly Butler, or Von Hutchins (oh… wait). Best possible pick: Ironically, Hutchins.
Round 6, Pick 2. We took Jammal Lord. We could have had Kirk Chambers, Bo Lacy, or Marko Cavka. Best possible pick: N/A.
Round 6, Pick 3. We took Charlie Anderson. We could have had Jeff Smoker, John Navarre, or Drew Strojny. Best possible pick: Anderson, I guess, though I will always claim Navarre should have gotten a chance in Arizona.
Round 7, Pick 1. We took Raheem Orr. We could have had Eric Taylor, Darrell McClover, or Jonathan Smith. Best possible pick: N/A.
Round 7, Pick 2. We took Sloan Thomas. We could have had same as above.
Round 7, Pick 3. We took B.J. Symons. We could have had Bobby McCray, Bradlee Van Pelt (oh… wait), or Scott Wells. Best possible pick: Van Pelt.
In 2005:
Round 1. We traded down three spots and took Travis Johnson. Had we not traded, we could have taken Derrick Johnson. Even with the trade, we could have had David Pollack, Erasmus James, or Alex Barron. Best possible pick: D. Johnson.
Round 3. We took Vernand Morency. We could have had Justin Tuck, Eric Green, or Karl Paymah. Best possible pick: Morency. (Drafting with what was originally our pick, the Raiders took Kirk Morrison five spots after Morency.)
Round 4. We took Jerome Mathis. We could have had Marviel Underwood, Craphonso Thorpe, or Chase Lyman. Best possible pick: Mathis.
Round 5. We took Drew Hodgdon. We could have had Adrian McPherson, Adam Kieft, or Robert McCune. Best possible pick: N/A.
Round 6. We took C.C. Brown. We could have had Jovan Haye, Tab Perry, or C.J. Mosley. Best possible pick: Brown.
Round 7. We took Kenneth Pettway. We could have had Shaun Nua, James Kilian, or Matt Cassel. Best possible pick: N/A.
We’ll assume it’s too early to tell “best” picks in 2006, but here are the results.
Round 1. We took Mario Williams. We could have had Reggie Bush, Vince Young, or D’Brickashaw Ferguson.
Round 2. We took DeMeco Ryans. We could have had D’Qwell Jackson, Rocky McIntosh, or Chad Jackson.
Round 3, Pick 1. We took Charles Spencer. We could have had Abdul Hodge, Claude Wroten, or Paul McQuistan.
Round 3, Pick 2. We took Eric Winston. We could have had same as above.
Round 4. We took Owen Daniels. We could have had Max Jean-Gilles, Michael Robinson, or Darnell Bing.
Round 6. We took Wali Lundy. We could have had Mike Hass, Jonathan Orr, or Reed Doughty.
Round 7. We took David Anderson. We could have had Marques Colston (oops), Dave Tollefson, or Vickiel Vaughn.
So, what’s the verdict? I think the most striking thing is that, other than the Andre Johnson pick, our misses are much more noteworthy than our hits. I mean, Travis Johnson over Derrick Johnson? Carr over Peppers? Chester Pitts over Clinton Portis? Those are all the types of moves than set your team back seasons. On top of which, most of our successes are with guys like Brown and Earl (both of whom we have talked about needing to replace).
The two other things that jumped out were, first, the number of players we could have drafted who are now on our roster and, second, the number of players we drafted who were never heard from again. I’m sure the latter happens to some extent with every team, but I don’t know that most people notice the number of Kenneth Pettways and Sloan Thomases every team discards.
