♪ One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong… ♪
Dec 4, 2008 2006 Draft, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, I really dig my readers, Vince Young can't read this post, f(x) = (Sudafed + BESF Locals) - (Cousin/Brother-in-law is the Sheriff) = Meth
Courtesy of Brent, we get a breakdown of every AFC team’s needs in the 2009 Draft. On the heels of all the 2006 Draft talk from Tuesday, guess the ONLY team on the list to feature “Quarterback” as a need.
Go on…guess.
(Here’s where the BESF fans talk about their record this year rather than deal with the fact that Vince Young is looking like a retarded version of Ryan Leaf. Well, more retarded. And faster.)
Numberfication
Dec 2, 2008 2006 Draft, Reggie Bush, Stats, Suck it bitchez, Super Mario, Tremendous Busts, Vince Young can't read this post, f(x) = (Sudafed + BESF Locals) - (Cousin/Brother-in-law is the Sheriff) = Meth
Some post-game reaction stuff coming later, but, for now, here’s a fun stat:
Mario Williams: 29.5 career sacks.
Reggie Bush: 36 career starts.
Vince Young: 32 career starts.
OR, even more telling, if we throw out everyone’s rookie year:
Mario Williams: 25 sacks
Reggie Bush: 20 starts
Vince Young: 16 starts
Oh, and, Mario has not missed a start in his career. So he’s got that going for him…which is nice.
Kickoff - “Let’s Turn The Focus From Manrape” Edition
Oct 9, 2008 2006 Draft, 2008 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Boobies, H/T Eric, Pulp Fiction, Super Mario, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Did I really defend his signing last year? Guh. Yahoo! Sports has a short article on teams that are completely out of contention and which players they should be trying to unload onto other teams. Their take on Houston:
Even though the Houston Texans are 0-4, many observe[r]s believe they will rebound and play well. Furthermore, the Texans don’t have many players who should just be dumped, aside from running back Ahman Green.
“And I would only take Green if I was truly desperate,” one of the executive said. “Thank God I’m not in that situation.”
Yes, Jesus loves meeeee…. The Texans’ Cheerleaders have unveiled their new calendar and Erica will grace the cover. I’d like to grace her cover. And by “grace” I mean…well, you get it.
Vaya con dios, rookie turd. Jake Long had better pray to the god of his choosing, as the plan on Sunday is (apparently) to let him try and block Mario solo when Mario is on that side. This plan has the potential to make Trent Green’s 2007 head injury look like a hangnail. (Side note: Why is everyone who doesn’t follow the Texans oblivious to the fact that Mario moves around and does not play RDE all day long? Does no one ever watch tape? Seriously?)
Finally. More Erica.
An Open Letter to Reggie Bush
Sep 14, 2008 2006 Draft, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush shat himself, Tremendous Busts
Dear Fuckface,
When you are drafted #2 overall to play RUNNING BACK and are being held to 2.8/carry by a Redskins team that got throttled last week, you should probably not taunt as you RETURN A PUNT, even if it is for a TD. Because doing that makes you a complete fucking douchebag; after all, you wouldn’t be returning punts if you were a three-down back. You fucking retard.
FOAD,
Matt
A touchy-feely comment on Vince Young, reviled Baby-Eating Sister Fucker of Copenhagen Holler
Sep 10, 2008 2006 Draft, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, I'm not a doctor, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity
I saw Chris’s post over at Houston Diehards on the topic of the latest Vince Young drama, and felt compelled to type this. While I think Chris is buying the Titans’ talking points a bit too much, I do agree with him that we may have gone a little overboard with the Vince Young stuff.
What Vince Young seems to have done is pretty unprofessional. The charges being made against him are that he gave up on a team that has every reason to be frustrated with his production, that he stormed away and hid from the press and his fans, and that he ran off and alarmed his coach while toting a gun around with him in his car. But before we jump to conclusions, let’s take some things in to consideration.
Some people, including people close to Vince Young, have suggested that Vince’s problem is an “emotional” issue, meaning that it could be depression or some other psychological problem. If it is that, I would hope that we tread lightly on Vince’s condition, and err towards hoping the best for his psychological state. I’ve always kept the case of Barret Robbins (another link) - another Houstonian athlete - in mind. If this is the case, I hope he gets it treated properly, professionally, and promptly (see that? I dropped the alliteration bomb on ya).
Now if it’s just him being Vince McWhiny Pants, eff him in the ay.
As far as the “his head has gotten too big” meme, I don’t know if I buy that. I see the evidence for it, but I’m not sure if it’s proof of it - the distinction being that the former supports the argument whereas the latter confirms it’s truth. Of course it’s easy to get a big head in front of 100,000 people, and it’s probably a bit of a bummer when only days later tens of thousands of people are now booing you. I’m just not sure if this is enough of a reason for us to venture that Vince Young is a prima donna collapsing in the face of reality. Maybe there’s something bigger going on here.
Perhaps we’ll never know: is Vince another athlete secretly fighting depression, or is he another spread-offense quarterback that finds out just how hard the NFL is? I hope it’s the latter, simply because it will enable us in the Texans blogosphere (population 20?) to feel a lot better about what we do best: criticizing him and hating on the Titans. I think we all would prefer that Vince Young feel the pain of a Mario Williams sack instead of the pain of a psychological affliction.
</emo>
Bad Would Be An Upgrade
Aug 4, 2008 2006 Draft, Hype, I was told there would be no math, Overrated, Reggie Bush, Stats, Tremendous Busts
Courtesy of Dave, we get the following tidbit from Fatty Starbucks about everyone’s favorite punt returner:
Saturday, July 26, New Orleans Saints camp
JACKSON, Miss. — “When you look at your first two years and you see the 3.8 yards per carry, do you want to puke?” I asked Reggie Bush, who was sitting on a golf cart on the running track surrounding the football field at Millsaps College.
Bush smiled. “Well, kind of. I want nine, 10 yards a carry. But I think the difference with me this year is I’m smarter. I realize four yards is a good run sometimes. I appreciate four yards; I’m not disappointed when I get stopped after four yards.”
I have heard this before. This is what the Saints were saying going into the 2007 season, and Bush wasn’t any more explosive in his second year. The difference this year, the Saints hope, is Bush was a workout fanatic around the New Orleans complex in the offseason, with lots of the strong-burst lifting (squats, mostly) that give a back the kind of explosion through holes we haven’t seen enough of in Bush. He’s most certainly on trial, and he feels it.
“What I did in college was not a fluke,” he said. “And the NFL will not be a fluke for me either.”
OK, first things first, the article already gives Bush too much credit: he has only averaged 3.7/carry over his career, not the 3.8 the author generously gives him. Second, being “not disappointed” after you get stopped for four yards isn’t really the best outlook a guy can have, especially when the rumor is that he is too soft to be a real running back. After all, Ron “Meringue” Dayne averaged 4.0/carry last year and I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was thrilled with the guy.
Now, yes, I realize that Reggie is actually saying something along the lines of “if I can always get four and then get more than that from time to time, I’ll be happy.” Fine. Whatever. But here’s the rub: there is NOTHING to suggest that Bush is even capable of getting to that level.
In fact, let’s take it one step further. Let’s get crazy. Let’s throw this statement out there and see if it floats:
Reggie Bush is an offensive liability
There. I said it. What? You want proof? Fine. First, some numbers, as compiled by the inimitable bfd:
Basically, every time Bush touches the ball, he is hurting his team. The only exception to this rule was as a receiver in 2006 where his 8.4 yards/catch was higher than other Saints backs. In other words, Bush is an offensive sinkhole.
In 2006, his 3.6 yards/rush was below that of the team without him. In addition, most of his 2006 numbers are skewed by a single game against the Giants that single-handedly raises his yards/rush by nearly .5 yards for the entire season.
In 2007, both his yards/rush and yards/catch were well below that of the rest of the Saints’ RBs. Only Mike Karney and Drew Brees, with their 34 combined rushes, managed worse rushing totals. On the receiving side, even Karney’s 6.0 yards/reception were better than Bush’s horrific 5.7 yards/catch. In fact, Bush’s yards/catch of 5.7 was third worst in the league, but he received the ball as many times as the two people below him, Willis McGahee and Ryan Grant, combined.
Bush’s 3.7 yards/rush in 2007 ranks him 38th out of 49 qualifiers, but considering that Aaron Stecker and Pierre Thomas both had more yards/rush more than Bush, Bush’s poor numbers are a likely function of his suckiness moreso than issues with the line. (On the other hand, Adrian Peterson and Ced Benson ranked 46 and 47, respectively, which means that there was probably something more than just the RB that was impacting the rushing equation in Chicago.)
Then, one must consider from where Bush is scoring. Of Bush’s 10 rushing touchdowns, six have been from one yard out, and only 10 and 15 yard rushes—the latter being his longest—are even in double-digit yards. Bush has four receiving touchdowns, only one of which is longer than five yards—his 61-yarder that got endless, unnecessary replays. As a running back, Bush is showing all the explosiveness of Tom Rathman. Which is to say, none.
If Bush isn’t the worst RB in the league, his only real competition is Cedric Benson, but that could also be a matter of offensive line play. When compared to his peers on the Saints, Bush is clearly the worst of the bunch and pretty easily an offensive black hole on the roster. He’s the football equivalent of Neifi Perez, a player who gets too many touches for the incredible lack of skills he brings to the field.
Here’s hoping they play him more.
Indeed, brother.
“But, hold on,” some of you must be screaming. “That’s not fair! The Saints offense as a whole was less good in 2007 than in 2006, so of course his yards/catch fell off!”
Really? In 2006, the Saints averaged 5.8 yards/play. In 2007, they averaged 5.5. They did go from first to fifth in total offense, but does that really explain a drop-off from above-average receiving threat to abysmal? I think not.
Besides, a swing of .3 yards/play is far from uncommon. The Colts had a .4 yard drop-off last year. The Chargers lost .7. And so on, and so forth. Small flutuations happen, even in the league’s best offenses. 30 yards per game (the Saints’ loss) is not a huge deal and it definitely does not explain how the World’s Greatest Weapon loses 2.7 yards/catch.
But wait, there’s more! Some more numbers, this time courtesy of me.
Saints’ overall yards/play in 2007: 5.5
Saints’ yards/play on plays where Reggie touched the ball: 4.8
Saints’ yards/play on plays were he did not touch the ball: 5.8Saints’ yards/carry overall: 3.7
Bush’s yards/carry overall: 3.7
Other Saints’ RBs yards/carry: 3.9Other Saints’ yards/catch: 10.6
Saints’ yards/catch overall: 6.8
Bush’s yards/catch overall: 5.7
Filed under “Hmm, Things That Make You Go.” OK, now I hear some of you saying that the loss of Deuce McAllister is why Bush’s yards/catch went down. It’s some argument like “well, without Deuce in there to keep people honest, teams could key on Bush.” Whatever you say, chief.
Oh, except for this: In 2007, when Deuce was out, Bush averaged 6.1 yards/catch. When Deuce was in (or “loose,” if you will), even for part of the game, Bush put up 5.0 yards/catch. Not the greatest sample sizes, I know, but it still makes that Deuce argument seem questionable.
As an aside, I should throw in that the whole “teams had to account for Deuce” argument strikes me as particularly silly. If McAllister, who averaged a whopping 4.3 yards/carry in 2006, had that much effect on the offense as a whole (and Bush in particular), don’t you think you’d see a marked drop-off in the Saints’ offensive production when Deuce didn’t play? Yet, as we already covered, any drop-off was nigh negligible and is just as easily explained by “Reggie Bush brings everyone’s averages down.”
Also, to those who would suggest that Marques Colston’s yards/catch also dropped by 2.5 yards, so there must have been something bigger at play, I have three counter-arguments. First, Colston was an unknown when he entered the league in 2006 and, as such, he did not face CB1s on a regular basis, at least at first. By the start of 2007, he was the biggest threat (by far) in the passing game and, as such, was always defended by the opponents’ best CBs. Second, Colston had 28 more catches in 2007, which would make it more difficult to keep up a ridiculous 14.8 yards/catch. (Hell, Randy Moss averaged 15.2 in his record-breaking season last year. 14.8 is great. Only four WRs last season had as many catches as Colston and had a higher yards/catch.) Third, while Bush’s performance was so bad that it pulled the team’s yards/play down to 5.5 (remember, it was 5.8 when he didn’t touch the ball), the team only averaged 4.8 yards/play when Colston didn’t touch the ball, so comparing his drop to Reggie’s drop is not exactly apples-to-apples.
So, that’s it, right?
Of course not. We would be remiss if we didn’t also throw the following numbers at you:
Reggie’s 8 total fumbles were tops among non-QBs and his 7 rushing fumbles were tops among everyone.
Reggie’s 10 dropped passes (in 12 games) tied him for third in the league (and tied him with people who played 16 games).
The claims about the Saints’ offensive lines woes are likely overblown, as they ranked between 7th and 11th overall in 2007, depending on who you ask.
Behind that line, Reggie Bush ranked 56th out of 56 according to Football Outsiders’ DPAR (Defense-Adjusted Points above Replacement). His DPAR of -8.9 means, in short, that he was worth 8.9 points less than the average NFL backup RB.
Reggie’s career-long run remains at 25 yards. 25. Cedric Benson has a career long of 43 and he’s trying to find a job right now. Benson also had at least one run over 30 yards every year in the league.
SO…what does all this mean? At this point, I am not willing to go all out an call him a bust. That said, however, I will point out that RB is generally agreed to be, by far, the easiest position to transition to from college. DEs and QBs can take three or four years to develop (though Mario is certainly ahead of the curve), while many RBs can and do play well from the jump. Reggie, on the other hand, has not even consistently put up numbers worthy of Blair Thomas.
His numbers do track fairly well with Eric Metcalf, however. So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice.
Vaya con dios, asqueroso grande
Jul 22, 2008 2006 Draft, 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Barbaro is dead, Charles Spencer, Curious Coaching, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, Roster, Tim Bulman
First, my Spanish sucks. Sorry if my translation is off.
Anyway, by now I’m sure you’ve heard that Charles “Big Nasty” Spencer was released today. I don’t think any of us expected him to be the LT of the future, especially after the arrival of Alex Gibbs and Duane Brown. Nor do I think anyone was shocked that a round of cuts came today considering that the team had to get down to 80 players by Friday and the easiest way to get there was to get rid of the guys least likely to make the team. (Which is also why DGDB&D fave Jon Abbate as well as DT Eric Powell and G Dan Stevenson were sent packing this afternoon.)
No, I guess the only surprise, to the extent that there is one, is that Spencer was listed among the guys least likely to make the team, ahead of (or behind, I guess) such notables as TE Ryan Krause and/or 5-10 WR Mark Simmons. Nothing against those guys, but you’d think that seeing what (if anything) Spencer had in the tank would be worth more than seeing what Mark Simmons brings to the table. (Editor’s guess: Not much.)
In other, slightly related news while we are talking about roster space, I am still baffled about our continued employment of Bryan Pittman when THREE other Texans (Dreessen, Bulman, and Zgonina) can do his job while simultaneously not being limited to ONLY doing his job. Dreessen would actually be the perfect dude to fill the dual role, as he is not asked to do much in the TE department on most days.
Dearest Houston: W.T.F?
Jul 2, 2008 2006 Draft, 2008 Season, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Boobies, Demarcus Faggins sucks
I freely admit it: I’m a dirty fucking hippie. I live in Austin. I prefer to ride my bike. I’m a beer snob. I recycle. If I had hair, it’d be long. I abhor makeup (on chicks, Stacy, before you get any ideas). That said, I’ve spent a lot of time in Houston over the last few weeks. And you know what I’ve seen?
***NO TEXANS PARAPHENALIA***
OK, none, is perhaps too harsh…barely. I saw a car that had a six year old, faded bumper sticker on it. And, errrr, I saw a sign out on I10 heading east that said “Romance…For Lease,” which was pretty cool and unusually hip. Outside of that, I was severely disappointed in the complete and total lack of Texans advertising of any type as I drove around Houston.
Disclaimer: I was largely on the west side OTL, which is supposed to be not cool and stuff.
Look, I don’t care what some random dude says cuz this is a legitimate playoff contender we are talking about, even though I agree with Tim’s assessment that our early schedule is slightly abusive.
And you can’t tell in Houston.
So, with that incredibly long introduction, here are my Top 5 suggestions to the Houston Texans marketing department cuz, you know, I kick ass at Madden and stuff.
5. Stickers - Yes, bumper stickers, decals, tattoos, breast implants, whatever it takes. Look, if we are paying Petey Faggins anything more than…OK, I’m too fucking lazy to look it up, then we could get much more value out of giving away bumper stickers on every corner. “Sticker with your electric bill, sir?” “Excuse me, ma’am, but you could really use a Texans tramp stamp.” See, how hard could that be?
4. Billboards - Let’s be honest: we are talking about Houston, here. I figure, if you put up a shitload of ads on billboards on any inbound freeway and I10 outbound, it’ll get more views than your average Oprah or Filipino tranny show.
3. Date Your Favorite Texans Cheerleader! - No projection going on here. Nope. None, whatsoever. Errr, did I mention that I love twins? I’ll just have to work with Marisa on the whole Olive Garden thing. I mean, just because I’d rather eat a handful of dog food than go to Olive Garden does not mean I’d ignore the poor girl.
2. Free Beer and Concealed Weapon Day - Beer and weapons? In Texas? What could possibly go wrong???
1. Dress Up as your Favorite 2006 Draftee Bust Night! - Do you still {heart} Vince, Longhorns fans? Still think Reggie Bush is actually better than Dave Meggett? Vernon Davis? Matt Leinart (hot tubs full of under-aged chicks not included)??? Or maybe you can go as the Biggest Bust in the History of Forever and Ever! No matter, now is your chance to wear the uniform of your favorite 2006 draft bust in the vain hope he won’t suck and will never, ever, live up to his actual talent.*
So, there ya go, Texans. As usual, I’ve done all the leg work. Now it’s up to you to make it happen.
* Anybody wearing a DeMeco uniform will be summarily beaten and gagged. I won’t tell you what you’ll be gagged with.
PS: I’m gonna upgrade to digital before football season. Any suggestions as to how to do this (Time Warner, DirecTV, tin foil caps) much appreciated. The NFL Season ticket is *not* a concern.
Top 5 Most Important Games in Texans History
Jun 22, 2008 19-10, 2006 Draft, The ghost of BFD, Top 5
Another day, another pre-season Top 5 list. This time, something a little more positive–the Top 5 Most Important Games in Texans History.
5. Denver @ Houston, December 13, 2007 (Texans win 31-13). Mario Williams’ coming-out party, clad in Kool Aid-esque all red, came on national television. (Sort of…it was an NFL Network Thursday Night broadcast, so it’s not like everyone could see it.) On Denver’s first possession, Jay Cutler rolled out toward Mario on a naked bootleg and I immediately texted my buddy, Sid, saying “Mario’s not biting on the play action. If they run that play again, Mario will destroy Cutler.” Well, they ran it more and Mario ended the night with 3.5 sacks and, more importantly, with most of the country realizing just how good he is going to be.
4. Indianapolis @ Houston, December 24, 2006 (Texans win 27-24). Our first and, to date, only win over Peyton Manning and the Colts. In retrospect, it wasn’t a huge deal, but at the time it felt like something big. Coming on the heels of being blown out by the Pats, that win over the Colts (and the subsequent win over the Browns) was a great prelude to successes of the 2007 season season, which ended with…
3. Jacksonville @ Houston, December 29, 2007 (Texans win 42-28). Andre Davis, as Spartacus, took it upon himself to blow this game wide open, meaning our 8th win wasn’t in doubt for much of the second half. Sure, sure, the Jags weren’t exactly fielding their A-team and, yes, Richard Smith reverted to his non-blitzing ways so Quinn effin’ Gray was able to put some points on the board, but a win is a win and this one was awesome. I’m sure that some day we’ll look back and think, “Man, were we really THAT excited about a .500 season?” But, for now, the answer is “hell yes, we were!”
2. Houston @ San Francisco, December 31, 2005 (Texans lose 20-17). If we had won this game, we would have drafted third, behind the Saints (who would still have inexplicably taken Reggie Bush) and the 49ers, who almost certainly would have taken Mario Williams (after all, they went defense with their second 1st round pick and it’s unlikely they’d have taken Vernon Davis second overall). It sounds odd to rank a loss so high on this list, but snagging Mario Williams (and DeMeco Ryans at the top of the second round, which was also fallout from this loss) was the move that will define this franchise and make it competitive for the next 7-10 years.
1. Dallas @ Houston, September 8, 2002 (Texans win 19-10). Maybe I am just overly nostalgic about these sorts of things, but this game remains number one on my list for a whole host of reasons: It was an unprecedented debut, it was over the Cowboys (who, it would seem, became cursed by the win, as they have not won a playoff game in the Texans’ lifetime), it was a nationally televised Sunday night game, and it won me $200 because everyone else in my suicide pool picked Dallas that week. It was also the best we would ever see from David Carr, who would immediately begin to suck with a ferocity that has rarely been seen in professional sports.
If he’s lucky
Jun 5, 2008 2006 Draft, Awesomeness, Overexposure, Overrated, Reggie Bush
Somehow, in the hullaballoo yesterday, I managed to forget to post this.
Anyway, courtesy of reader Vega, comes ESPN’s list of NFL players who need a strong 2008 to rebound from a shitacular 2007. Guess who’s on there.
Go ahead, guess.
Oh, but it gets better. From the article: “A scout once declared Bush a Marshall Faulk clone. He’s starting to look more like the second coming of Eric Metcalf.”
Now that’s funny. But it’s even funnier when you think about a certain song parody from last September, wherein I wrote:
Good morning NFL, how are you?
Don’t you know me I’m the chosen one,
I’m the running back they call The Next Gale Sayers,
But, I’ll be returning punts in Cleveland by the time I’m done.
(Full disclosure: Tim gets credit for the original nicknaming of Bush as “Eric Metcalf, Jr.” I just ran with it.)
A post wherein Titans fans send emails and comments about how great Vince is and how I am a jealous dumbass.
May 27, 2008 2006 Draft, Overexposure, Overrated, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity
Boo fucking hoo.
Apparently, Vince Young is a huge pussy was so bummed about life in the NFL that he nearly quit after his first season.
I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.
So what brought him out of this funk you ask? His teammates. And God.
My teammates helped lift me out of it. I prayed really hard. And I began to focus on God’s calling for me. Play football. Be a role model.
Hey, far be it from me to say whether God exists or opine on whether he really gives a shit about athletes qua athletes, BUT I am reasonably sure that anyone whom God chose to be a QB would post a TD-INT ratio of better than 9-17. I mean, Kurt Warner was sacking groceries and God told him to be a QB and he put up 41 TDs and 13 picks. Jon Kitna loves him some Jesus and even he can post a near 1:1 TD:INT ratio. Yessir, God’s QBs tend to put up respectable (or better) QB numbers.
Long story short, Vince, I think you might have misheard God. Maybe he said your were supposed to be a cornerback. Those sound pretty similar when you are hammered on Patron.
Even if the hole is big enough to drive a truck through
May 27, 2008 2006 Draft, Horribly obvious jokes, Reggie Bush, You'd like to think I was joking
Apparently, Kim Kardashian thought it would be funny to tell the press she was pregnant with Reggie Bush’s kid. (Note to female readers: This is never, ever, EVER even slightly funny.)
As for the sparkling ring she was wearing, Kardashian told PEOPLE Magazine, “I’m about two months pregnant right now and we’re getting married on August 8th of 2008.”Bush reportedly appeared shocked until Kim added, “Its a joke.”
If the media involved believed this even for a second, I can only assume they were all E! News reporters and shit like that; any football writer worth his salt would know Bush can’t hit the hole with enough authority to get anyone pregnant.
His mediocrity is faster than your mediocrity
Apr 14, 2008 2006 Draft, 2008 Season, Reggie Bush, Tremendous Busts
The headline says it all:
Bush wants greater success.
Yeah, it seems that the World’s Most Overrated Punt Returner™ is looking to improve. Or, perhaps more accurately, he is looking to make people re-buy into the hype that he doesn’t suck.
“Now I’ve got to come and have an equal or better year [than what Chris Paul is having for the Hornets],” Bush said. “I’ve got to get the crowd chanting MVP.”
Riiiight. That’s what it takes? A friend who plays a different sport having a good year has motivated you? Whatever it takes, I guess. Well, I assume that this means you’ll be there bright and early for every single practice to really work on the myriad weaknesses in your game?
Bush, who made only a cameo appearance at the Saints’ offseason program last year, said he plans on participating most of the time.
“These last two years I definitely learned a lot,” Bush said. “I feel like I’m maturing. That’s what it’s all about — maturing and learning and going through life’s experiences and football.
“It’s the right thing to do, to be here and working out with my teammates. I’m going to be here as much as possible, as much as I can. I won’t make every workout, but I’ll definitely be here for a majority of the workouts.”
This–along with being too much of a Mangina to run between the tackles–is why you are an overrated sack of suck. You start the article talking about how you want to have an MVP-caliber year and you really want to have a breakout season, but you immediately remind the reader that you only want these things so long as it doesn’t interfere with shooting Pepsi commercials and/or fucking Kim Kardashian. (Note: Ray Jay was there before you and he had no problem hitting the hole with authority. You might want to study that tape as well.)
It’s no secret that we here at DGDB&D think very, very little of Reggie Bush. In fact, the only thing we do think about him is “boy am I glad we didn’t draft THAT dude.” Still, every now and then, he finds a way to make me like him even less. This is one of those times.
Little Dickie Justice, age 12, still doesn’t get it
Apr 10, 2008 2006 Draft, Anger, Broken Record, Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Little Dickie Justice, Reggie Bush, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Vinsanity, age 12
Promoted from our boards, the awesomest thing ever on the internetz. Evar.
According to kozanack, who gets today’s award for raising my blood pressure, Little Dickie Justice was on the radio yesterday and…well, I’ll let koz tell his own story:
I was driving along today, channel surfing on my car radio, and sort of half way paying attention to the blather. Suddenly I realized the host (Justice) was trashing the Texans because they had the opportunity to increase the level of interest in pro football with the casual fan here in Houston, but screwed the pooch. He followed that by saying that Drayton and Les Alexander had confided in him that the Texans would be on top of the sports world here in Houston in only they had taken Vince or even Reggie instead of Mario. Then he went on to say one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.
He said that even though last year Mario clearly outperformed both Reggie and Vince, Vince was the right pick at the time, and the Texans blew it. He went on to say that even if Mario turns out to the best decision in the long term, Vince was the right choice at the time, so the Texans blew it. Basically, even if Vince bombs, anyone other than Vince was the wrong choice, especially Mario.
I think the first thing we should all be is thankful that Justice does not have any actual influence on our football decision-makers.
Matt and I have lamented before on Little Dickie Justice’s obvious homo-erotic man-crush on VY, not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that. Just because I think Maria Sharpova is gorgeous does not de facto mean that she’s the best tennis player in the world. But that seems to be about 51% of Justice’s argument (Maria, call me!).
The other 49% seems to be, and this is more speculation than anything, that because Vince is a hometown hero, he would be better from a marketing standpoint. Now, of course, this completely discredits whatever Reggie Bush argument he might have, but I’m trying to pry open a walnut-sized mind here, so give me a break.
Back to Vince. Drafting Vince would’ve been, specifically, a marketing ploy. This means that this second half of Justice’s argument is that marketing is much more important than winning. Now, I could go back and do a regression analysis of the relation between winning and attendance, but as fans, we don’t need that analysis. We already know better: winning teams put fannies in seats. Period.
Could you imagine an offense with 2 INT to 1 TD Young? Heck, let’s say we drafted both Young and Bush and his awesome 3.7 YPC and complete inability to run between the tackles (a kinda necessity in a zone blocking scheme, donchaknow). What would you guess for a record? 3-13? 2-14? Again, be thankful Justice isn’t in charge of these decisions.
What bothers me most, I think, is that it exposes Houston’s traditional print media as a bunch of moronic crybabies who are still pouting three years later that they didn’t get their way. As I’ve said before: if I was wrong every day of my life and didn’t understand the basic concepts of my job, I would lose my job instantly.
Little Dickie: you were wrong then, you are wrong now. There’s no way you can rationalize this one to your advantage, and every time you open your mouth, you embarrass yourself. Mario > VY + Bush. The end.
And I just had to get the following on our front page, courtesy and permission of DiehardChris:
Well done, Chris. Well done.
A dog’s got personality. Personality goes a long way.
Mar 11, 2008 2004 Draft, 2006 Draft, 2007 Draft, 2008 Combine, 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Amobi Okoye is 20, Corky Johnson, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Huh?, Jason Babin, Morlon Greenwood, Posts that list too many players, Pulp Fiction, Rendhel and Sid, Teams that aren't the Texans
It is not much of an exaggeration to say that I have seen Pulp Fiction at least 500 times. My freshman-year roommate had a copy (VHS, baby!) stolen from Blockbuster, which we watched almost daily for that entire year, and I’ve continued to watch it more frequently than any other movie over the past decade. I am reasonably sure this says something about me, but I’m not sure what it is.1
Anyway…I mention this as background because, by this point, you’d think nothing could surprise me in that film. You’d be wrong.
So, here’s the deal. When the guy who looks somewhat like Jerry Seinfeld comes out of the bathroom and shoots at Vince and Jules, why in the hell did he have that gun in the bathroom with him in the first place?
Hear me out–clearly, Brett and “Flock of Seagulls” were not expecting Marsellus’ guys to show up at that instant, as they were enjoying Big Kahuna Burgers2 and just otherwise chilling. Seagulls was lying on the couch and, one assumes, did not have a gun within easy reach. Brett, likewise, was seemingly unarmed. The look of terror on both of their faces suggests that, had they been expecting a visit from Jules and Vince, they would certainly have been armed and ready to shoot for their lives. I mean, Brett seems to know from the moment Marvin opens the door that he is probably going to die. If you had ripped off a crime kingpin and were expecting hitmen to show up and kill you, would you be more likely to sit and eat burgers or arm yourself and prepare to shoot back?
Besides, on top of the surprise factor, you have the size of the gun. It was, as Vincent pointed out, “a goddamned hand cannon.” Such a gun is not the type that someone would have cavalierly tucked in his waistband, nor was he wearing a holster. So basically, logic dictates that he either picked up the gun and carried into the bathroom or the gun was already in the bathroom. Neither of these situations really makes sense to me. On the one hand, if Brett and Seagulls were not expecting Vince and Jules to arrive, there’s no reason to think Guy in Bathroom would have suspected it enough to carry a large handgun into the crapper. Likewise, I can see no reason why that gun would already be in the bathroom considering the people out in the living room did not have guns within easy reach.
By now, you are probably thinking “what the hell does this have to do with football?” Simple: I had been blindly accepting the situation as it was presented to me, when I should have been considering the context. Because, once you consider the context, some things that seem to make sense really don’t.3
Which brings me (finally) to the draft.
Over the past days and weeks, many people have come to grips with the idea that the Texans are probably taking a CB with the 18th pick in the draft. On the surface, where you have an injured Dunta Robinson; a horrid Petey Faggins; a possibly-horrid Jacques Reeves; and are relying on a second-year corner and a veteran sex machine safety, it would seem logically sound to take a corner and hope to improve your atrocious secondary. It would seem that way until you really consider the context.
Right now, you can easily claim that our holes on defense are NT, DE2, CB2, SLB, and (possibly) SS. Of those holes, CB2 is the one where we have already spent the most cap space this offseason, albeit on a guy who might not be able to cover me for 4 seconds. Does it make sense to use your draft pick on a guy who play the same position as the guy you just overpaid for?
But that’s not even the biggest issue.
The fact is, a great defensive line can make a suspect secondary look average to good for multiple games in a season. A fantastic secondary can make an average D-line look good a couple times per game. Partly, this is because of the nature of the rules that allow WRs to play virtually untouched. But it is also due in no small part to the logistics of what the positions are asked to do. Your defensive line exists to get to the QB (or RB), correct? Well, they know where the QB is going to be once the ball is snapped. Defensive backs, on the other hand, are asked to cover someone with no clue as to where he is going or what path he will take to get there. This means that even the best CBs are going to get beat on a long enough timeline. SO–and I know you see where I am going with this–you can improve your secondary just as much by drastically shortening the length of time you ask them to cover as by upgrading your cornerbacks.
Hell, this year’s Super Bowl Champion New York Giants are an embodiment of this principle. Their monster defensive line was able to consistently get pressure on opposing QBs. Because of this, the Giants were able to survive with subpar linebackers (Pierce is a good player, but his main strength is in leadership and getting the D set correctly; Mitchell is a smart player and a sure tackler but is nothing special; and Torbor is notably below average, but tough) and an average defensive backfield. Corey Webster looks like he turned it around, but he still isn’t very good yet. Aaron Ross looked very good for a rookie, but Gibril Wilson is at best good (in terms of skills he’s probably comparable to a healthy Will Demps, maybe very slightly better) and James Butler more or less stinks.
Yet, despite having a back seven that was basically average, the Giants defense looked absolutely dominant at times–including against the Patriots–because they were able to get after opposing QBs on a regular basis. This is not a novel concept, really. And, given the choice, I would almost always rather go into a season with three great defensive lineman than with 2 great defensive linemen and a great DB. And, hell, with Ryans and Greenwood behind a line similar to the Giants, even Petey Faggins would seem decent at cornerback.
*Pauses to consider the implications of that last sentence. Shudders.*
WHICH (finally) brings me to my bigger point. Namely that, if we are drafting defense in the first round or third round, we should be looking for a defensive tackle or a speedy defensive end or–shockingly–both. I mean, clearly someone in Texans management thought that Reeves could play or else they wouldn’t have signed him. You want to make that signing make sense? Then put together a front four that can limit how long he has to cover. The kid has fantastic speed, but his instincts and coverage skills are not all that amazing. Ask him to cover for 2.5 seconds instead of 4.5 and his speed/quickness should be able to overcome his technique/skills. Unless, that is, someone thought it prudent to give $8MM guaranteed for a nickel corner. Which I choose to believe no one in our front office is stupid enough to do.
[Author's note: I realize that some of this--ok, fine, much of this--is a rehashing of the philosophy I've been espousing since the end of the season. I was pushing for a NT at that time and, for the most part, my position hasn't changed. I have only amended it to say that I would be nearly as happy with a solid DE and that the only CB I would be willing to change my opinion for would be the mutant Rodgers-Cromartie.]
Who, then, should we be looking at? I’m glad you asked. Two names that immediately jump out to me are Brian Johnston and Kentwan Balmer.
Last one first, let’s take a look at Balmer, since most of you have probably heard of him. A 6-5, 308 DT out of UNC, Balmer posted 59 tackles (33 solos), including 3.5 sacks, 9.5 TFL, and four quarterback pressures. Balmer was solid against the run in general, allowing 1.69 yards/carry on his 55 running stops. The one knock I would have against him is that he is about 15 lbs lighter (minimum) than I would like out of my NT, but that is countered by the fact that he is strong (33 reps) and explosive (29 in. vertical jump). Even better for our purposes, Balmer is currently projected to go in the late first/early second, meaning he should be available at 18. Speaking of that 18th pick, I think even if most teams have Balmer slotted at 25-30, we should be willing to reach a little if we find a guy we really want because of the lack of a second rounder.
The other guy I mentioned, Brian Johnston, might be unfamiliar to many of you. That’s what happens when you go to Gardner-Webb and don’t get a combine invite. Of course, after reading about his tryout in front of some NFL scouts, maybe he should have been invited.
Measuring in at 6-foot-5, 274 pounds, Johnston ran his first 40-yard dash in 4.66 seconds. Johnston’s 40-yard dash time would have been the fourth best at the NFL combine for defensive ends, and the best for any lineman weighing more than 260 pounds.
Johnston’s most impressive stat from the 40-yard dash came with a very strong 1.51-second time through the first 10 yards, an important time with regards to a players quickness. By comparison, Johnston’s 10-yard split was the same as Arkansas’ running back Darren McFadden turned in at the Combine earlier this year.
The most impressive result overall, however, may have been Johnston’s time in the 20-yard shuttle. He turned in a 4.18-second time, which is better than any lineman at the NFL’s Scouting Combine. In fact, the 4.18-second time was faster than any running back at the event - with Illinois’ Rashard Mendenhall the only back to match that time.
So, yeah…I’d say he fits the definition of a speed-rushing DE. Now, I know some of you are likely saying “ACK! Workout warrior from a small school! Babin! BABIN!!!” That’s fair. But let’s not forget that Babin was a college 4-3 DE drafted to play OLB in an NFL 3-4. Going forward was never a problem for him; it was sideline to sideline and dropping into TE coverage that killed him. In Johnston’s case, you would be drafting a college 4-3 DE speed-rusher to play NFL 4-3 DE speed-rusher. And, because Mario and Okoye occupy the extra blockers, he’d be going one-on-one with o-linemen most of the time. That’s always nice when you are lightning-fast.
ANYWAY, I am just spitballing here. If the word around the campfire is to be believed, we will take someone like Aqib Talib at 18 and then a RB in the third. And I’ll deal with it, even if I don’t think it is the right approach. And, hell, maybe I get kinda lucky and we take Talib (or whomever) in the first but still snag Johnston in the third. Regardless, until Draft Day, I am just going to keep doing my best to shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness.4
1 That’s not entirely true. I think it says that I liked the movie when it was (a) popular, (b) cliched, (c) ironic, and (d) suggestive that I am getting old.
2 That IS a tasty burger!
3 On the flip-side, some things that seem utterly inexplicable–say, the selection of Mario Williams over Reggie Bush–make perfect sense once you consider the context. While some things–say, the popularity of Mambo No. 5–remain inexplicable regardless of how much you ponder them.
4 And to not shoot Marvin in the face.
Battle of the seven-button suitcoats
Jan 21, 2008 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Fake Conversations with Real People, Huh?, I'm not even sure this one is funny, Inanity, Overrated, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Thannon Tharpe, Vinsanity
Bathroom at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, 10:45pm
Shannon Sharpe: Man…I really gotta take a thit. Thtupid airplane food.
(2 minutes later)
Sharpe: (singing to himself) Thwing loooowwww, thweet chariot, comin’ for to thumthin thumthin hoooome…
(Merril Hoge enters the next stall)
Hoge: Damn, son…that’s some FINE singin’. I love me an old-fashioned black spiritual. Makes me feel like I am back home in Idaho. Not that we had blacks…hey, who’s in there, anyway?
Sharpe: Thumone tryin’ to thit, dammit. Thut up and give a brotha thum peathe.
Hoge: Hooooo, boy! Listen to that lisp! You sound frutier than bag of Starburst, son! Wait…is that you, Vince?!? I always knew you’d sound gay!!! I’d ask you to toss me some toilet paper, but you couldn’t get it over here even if you wanted to. Isn’t that right, Mr. Overrated?
Sharpe: Motherfucker, ith me–Thannon Tharpe! Who the hell are you?
Hoge: It’s Merril. You know, ESPN Analyst Merril Hoge. Good lord, I never realized how gay you sound. If you’d have been tapping your foot there in the stall while you were singing, I’da thought you were hitting on me.
Sharpe: Whatever, man. Jethuth taught me to turn the other cheek and not hate juth becauth thumone ith diffent. (pauses, grunts, continues) Hey, thpeaking of hate, why the hell are you alwayth ripping on Vinthe? You jus make yourthelf thound ignurrant, cuz it thows you don unnerthand what he really bringth to hith team.
Hoge: What he brings to his team? You mean like twice as many INTs as TDs? (farts, laughs)
Sharpe: Thee! Thath what I am talk about! You mith the point–that he bringth intangimableth that thtupid thtatithticth can’t meathure!
Hoge: Please! That’s what everyone says, what’s that even mean? If the only thing he does well is stuff that can’t be measured, then how much stock can you put in the “intangibles?”
Sharpe: But he winth gameth!
Hoge: No, the Titans’ DEFENSE wins games. Their offensive line that turns shitheads like LenDale White into viable options wins games. Vince is just along for the ride and, if he manages not to screw shit up, gets all the credit for the win! How does that make any sense? But no matter how much I scream about it, people listen to you lisp about how great he is!
Sharpe: You are thuch an ignurrant hick. Taking all thothe hitth to the head mutht’ve methed you up. You thimply don’t know what you are talking about, becauth he ith that great. I mean, tho what if he can’t throw thirty yardth with accurathy? He ith deadly effithient on thothe eight yard dump offth. He creath playth with hith legth. He fortheth defentheth to adjutht. He hath a chanthe to be one of the betht dual-threat quarterbackth in hithtory. I’ve gotta be honetht, Merril–it really thoundth like thour grapeth, man. All you’ve done thince he wath drafted wath talk about how awful he ith.
Hoge: Maybe I am just sick of people making him into Jesus in Cleats! Maybe I fail to see what he does that is worth a first round pick, let alone a high first round pick. Or…maybe…
Sharpe: What ith it?
Hoge: Maybe I miss the old days, Shannon. The days when I could still play and quarterbacks were not supposed to run. That’s what the running backs were for. I miss the days when Neil O’Donnell was a god among men.
Sharpe: Neil O’Donnell wath never a god, Merril! Thath juth thtupid.
Hoge: You didn’t know Neil like I knew him, Shannon! No one did! See…NOW who is being the negative prick?!
(voice from the third stall)
Emmit Smith: Guys, guys, guys…let me be the void of return. All this negativosity is impending you from researching a mortgageable contraceptive.
Shannon: Oh, Jethuth Chritht.
Super
Jan 7, 2008 2006 Draft, Awards, Awesomeness, Pro Bowl 2008, Reggie Bush, Super Mario, Vinsanity
So, I’ve been a little lax in my posting of Texans news. Apologies and whatnot.
Lest I be seen as a total slacker, however, allow me to point out that not only was Mario Williams named Defensive Lineman of the Year (up yours, Haynesworth), he also received a vote for Defensive Player of the Year and will likely receive the same number of Offensive Player of the Year votes as Reggie Bush and Vince Young combined.
I wish I knew how to quit you, Vince
Jan 7, 2008 2006 Draft, Bad Idea Jeans, Black Salaami, Fake Conversations with Real People, Jeff Fisher's Mustache, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity, Vomitopia
LenDale White: C’mere baby and let the Whale hold you. Mmm…you smell so nice, so musky.
Vince Young: Not here, man. Chill. Wait ’til we get off the field at least.
White: Don’t play. I feel you rubbing your junk against mine.
Young: Yeah, well you are grabbing my ass. Fag. (giggles)
White: You know you like it, baby. (squeezes ass)
Young: C’mon, let’s get out of here. I haven’t been this turned on since I saw Brady Quinn showering at the Combine.
I’m dreaming of some zone blitzes
Dec 21, 2007 2006 Draft, Beer, Blasphemy, Bloggerating, Colts Shmolts, Fuck the Cowboys, KEYE sucks, Mormons, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Tequila
I would like to apologize to whatever cosmic force I angered. My bad. Really. Now that I have admitted my guilt, could you please stop damning me with horrible officemates? I mean, haven’t you ever heard the philosophy that once a man admits that he’s wrong, that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? It’s not like I’m making you pick up itty bitty pieces of skull on account of my dumb ass.
In addition to his incredible insights on Day 1, Dipshit Cowboys Fan Officemate (DCFO) has offered the following (note, some of these are only mind-numbingly stupid if you are a lawyer, I suppose):
- (in response to my bitching about Mario getting shafted) DeMarcus Ware has more sacks than Mario. My response: 11 is more than 13? Weird. When did that happen? Was there a press conference?
- (in response to someone asking him about bail) Are bail and bond the same thing?
- (moments later, displaying his total ignorance of the 8th Amendment) I guess they can set any bond amount they want. I can’t find anything in the case law that says it has to be reasonable.
- (regarding the 11 Cowboys on the Pro Bowl roster) With Sean Taylor gone, Roy Williams is easily the best safety in football. (I damn near spit out my coffee on this one.)
- (regarding Zoolander) David Carr could have been a Hall of Fame quarterback if you guys would have protected him.
- (regarding college) Him: I don’t understand these black kids at places like Florida State that get in trouble every year. This never would have happened at my school. Me: Where’d you go? Him: BYU.
So…yeah. This is what I am dealing with. I am currently trying to get someone to trade offices with me, but that’s not going all that well. I should probably stop beginning those negotiations with “Jesus Christ, I have to get out of that office before I light that retard on fire.”
Anyway, on to the picks. I followed the amazing perfection of two weeks ago with a hot, wet shitstorm last week. Oh well.
Last week: 9-5
Season: 135-81
Week 16 Picks
Dallas @ Carolina. Panthers fans should be happy. You think Tony Romo was distracted by Jessica Simpson’s presence last week. That’s NOTHING compared to the way he will be eyeball-fucking Zoolander. Unfortunately, Carolina fans, your team still eats balls. Pick: Dallas
JUGGERNAUT @ Indianapolis. I want to do it. I want to put down that we are going to roll into the RCA Dome, Mario is going to nail Manning more often than Kenny Chesney does, and the JUGGERNAUT is going to come out 8-7. I want to believe. And, since it’s my blog, I’m going to, goddamnit. Pick: Houston
Green Bay @ Chicago. I was just talking to my wife about DCFO and she said, “you are so negative…he can’t be that bad.” My son, standing in the background, said “Mom, he’s a Cowboys fan.” I’m the motherfucking father of the year. Pick: Green Bay
Cleveland @ Cincinnati. A possible player to keep in mind when the free agent signings start happening: Justin Smith. He’s never become the #1 DE that people thought he would, but he’s still damn good. If you could get him at a reasonable price–probably unlikely, though there are enough DE FAs this season that it is possible–he might just become a monster opposite Mario. I’m just sayin’. (Or, if you are like Tim and would rather see Travis Johnson beheaded like a kidnapped Westerner kicked to the curb, it’s worth noting that Pat Williams will be a FA as well. Put him between Mario and Manchild and you might have sheer fucking dominance. My sources say “sheer fucking dominance” is a good thing.) Pick: Cleveland
Oakland @ Jacksonville. Ideally, Oakland will win this game, Houston will win, and next week’s game will be picked up by NBC’s flex schedule due to the “trying for first winning record” v. “fighting for playoff positioning” storylines. Ideally. Problem–Oakland blows. Pick: Jacksonville
New York Giants @ Buffalo. All Eli Manning wants for Christmas is one more win. He better hope Santa fucking delivers this weekend, though, because it ain’t happening next weekend. Pick: New York Giants
Kansas City @ Detroit. The Lions are collectively still walking funny after the ass pounding they got from LDT and Co. last week. Luckily for them, the Chiefs are more of a bottom than a top. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Pick: Detroit
Philadelphia @ New Orleans. Reggie Bush is saying that he might return either this week or the next. With how he’s played so far this year, can a torn knee ligament really make that much of a difference? Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’, Eddie! Pick: Philadelphia
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco. Jeff Garcia returns to the sight of some of his greatest glory holes. Pick: Tampa Bay
Atlanta @ Arizona. Dear Arthur Blank, Up Yours. Signed, God. Pick: Arizona
New York Jets @ Tennessee. If you have any questions about how this game is going, just call your friends in Austin. They can tell you. In other news, KEYE is still a bunch of fucknuts. Pick: Tennessee
Baltimore @ Seattle. Seattle gets to play the one team in football that suffered a more embarrassing loss than they did last week. You would think that both of these teams would be fired up, looking to get back on track. But Baltimore still can’t score and Seattle is still a collective of vaginas. Pick: Seattle
Miami @ New England. If you seriously believe that there is even a chance Miami wins this game, please see your doctor. Pick: New England
Washington @ Minnesota. I love Adrian Peterson. He is a beast. With even a semblance of passing game to take the 10th man out of the box, he’s a real threat for 2,400 yards. That said, I can pick up a blitzing linebacker better than he seems able or willing to do. Minnesota should win this game, but something is making me pick against them. Pick: Washington
Denver @ San Diego. My favorite thing about going home for Christmas (or any other reason) is that my mom owns a bar. Thus, pretty much every trip up there revolves around drinking for free until I pass out. This holiday will be no different. Which means I will likely be below radio depth until Sunday afternoon. Be good, kiddies. Pick: San Diego
