DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

10. He inspired the following as recently as last October:

When you watch Cedric Benson run the football you’re struck by two contrasting traits. He doesn’t go out of his way to make people miss, preferring to try and run people over, and he doesn’t seem to run the ball very hard. It’s hard enough to pull off the first thing in the NFL under any circumstances but impossible when you don’t run into the line like a runaway train. Too often, Benson appears to go down at first contact and appears to be missing the assertiveness you need to be a successful NFL running back.

9. He was so disliked by his teammates in Chicago that “about ten” Bears defensive players tried to hurt him in practice.  I would prefer Mario to continue trying to murder opposing QBs and not have him disembowel a teammate.

8. He is coming off a season-ending broken leg that required a plate in his lower leg, near his ankle.  Maybe it is completely healed with no lingering after-effects, but do you really want to take that chance?  Do you REALLY want to risk having him make the roster, only to then find out, oops, I guess it wasn’t totally perfect?  Because, maybe I am old fashioned, but I think we’ve got enough injury questions in our backfield as it is.

7. He is a summa cum laude (loud?) graduate of the Fred Smoot School of Nautical Recreation.

6. According to beef,

this guy me and some friends met at a party, who went to UT, and played with C-bong at Midland Lee [...] said that everyone on Lee’s team hated his guts because he was such a prick, and all he cared about were his numbers [...] and he was a whiny finger-pointer.  Anyway, the dude said that he had several other friends on UT’s team, and when he’d tell them he was from Lee, they’d bring up how much everyone on UT’s team hated his ass too for the same shit.  You could also tell it from watching their games.  He’d always be standing by himself on the sidelines and no one would ever come up to him for congratulatory or “keep your head up” comments.

Is that nothing but hearsay?  You bet.  But it’s fully admissible in the Court of Matt Fucking Hates You.

5. His boat parties don’t end well.  “Yeah, yeah…suuuuure you weren’t drinking.”

4. About a month after deciding boating wasn’t for him, he took the same strategy to the open road, only with fewer hoes and no bag of Sun Chips.  This fantastic story ends with a court-ordered breathalyzer ignition lock.  So I’m guessing the judge didn’t buy the excuses.

3. The idea that he can fall forward for 4 yards a pop is tenuous at best, considering he fell forward for 3.4 YPC last year before tearing his mangina breaking his leg.  He did manage 4.1 YPC in 2006.  You know who else managed 4.1 in 2006?  Ron “Meringue” Dayne.  And Dayne had 4.0 YPC in 2007.  And he did it all without endangering the public, eating Sun Chips with hoes, or getting arrested multiple times.

2. According to the Chicago Sun-Times,

The worst part of it is that Benson isn’t a viable reserve because he doesn’t pass block, play special teams, or help on third downs. He could be low on the depth chart (emphasis added).

I’m guessing that could be a problem as we break in a rookie LT and try to keep Matt Schaub upright all year.  Just sayin’.

1. He’s not a good fit for a true zone blocking system.  Thomas Jones was the cut-back style runner on the Bears and he was shipped to New York because the Bears thought Benson’s “pounding” (and I use that term as loosely as it can be employed) style was a better fit for them.  He doesn’t have the speed to get the outside zone consistently (and he runs upright on outside runs), yet he lacks the vision to properly cut back and go. And I’m not the only one who says this stuff:

If there’s one thing we know post-trade, it’s that the Bears offensive line was suspect/borderline shitty last season too.  Their inability to open solid running lanes was masked by the cut-back running style of Thomas Jones.  When Jones took the hand-off from Grossman and realized his blockers hadn’t cleared any space, he was able to manufacture extra yardage.  Even then, he still danced around the backfield too often and was never able to break off any long runs.

So it should be no surprise that Benson is struggling.  He is strictly a straight-ahead, power runner; if the hole isn’t open, he’s not going anywhere.  I’ve seen better run blocking from plastic lineman on an electric football table than what the Bears have shown this year.

OK, seriously, I meant it when I said that I was done commenting on the Chronicle. I really did. It was not some plan to say I was done and then keep finding excuses to talk about them. You are going to have to trust me on that. I wouldn’t lie to you, baby. I swear.

Unfortunately for the success of my self-imposed moratorium, the “writers” over there keep doing stuff that needs commenting upon. And, by “needs commenting upon,” I mean “irritates me to the point that I have to write about it before my head explodes.” For example, who would you pick if I were to ask you which sped kid at the Chron said the following:

On the whole, though, Gary Kubiak and Rick Smith have a solid record in personnel. If the Mario Williams pick looks as good as it does right now, they’ll look extremely smart.

Just to make your guesswork easier, by process of elimination, we can rule out a few of them. First, it obviously wasn’t Anna-Megan Raley, because she could not possibly string together a coherent thought of that length. It can’t be Megan Manfull because it’s not some “breaking news” that is based on conjecture and rumor. It’s probably not John McClain because there is no reference to Baylor, people he knows, or upcoming videos. So that means, it almost has to be…Richard Justice?

Backing up for a second, let me ask you something. If I showed up tomorrow and started posting about how Petey Faggins was an outstanding cover corner and Richard Smith was the most aggressive defensive coordinator I’ve ever seen and even that David Carr was a 100% heterosexual All-Pro-caliber QB, you would all call me out on it, right? I mean, it wouldn’t even be so much the invalidity of the statements, as much as the fact that it flew in the face of nearly everything I’ve written. It would demand explanation if I wanted anyone to take me seriously on any level.

It seems, however, that lil’ Dick doesn’t share my thoughts on this. Instead, he must assume that each and every person who reads his work is so functionally retarded that they will not note the jarring, 180-degree turn from “he can’t play” to “looks as good as it does right now.”¹ Well we do notice, Richard! We don’t really care, because we think you are a talentless hack, and we consider your work to be pablum at best, and we assume that you just pull shit like this because someone in charge pulled you aside and told you what to write like they do with all “controversial” dipshits, but we notice nonetheless.

Just to recap, as recently as Halloween, Justice was convinced that Mario was not only a bad player, but also the worst draft pick in the history of sports. If you click on that link, you’ll see no fewer than five comments by Dick spanning about eight days, all of which disparage Mario in one way or another. Yet, a mere six weeks later, the Mario pick is looking so good that it might make the current regime look “extremely smart?” Um…what?

Wait. Why am I even pretending to be confused? After all, this boomerang on the topic of Mario Williams is just the latest in a long line of Dickish flip-floppery. For instance, if you were following the Chron through 2006, you would have noticed roughly 12,717,120,957 inconsistencies in Justice columns about David Carr, which Scott did a nice job of recording before he fell off the planet. If one had the desire to, a person could probably find a similar trail of incongruence regarding any person Justice had written about more than once.

I suppose that such inconsistent writing is neither inherently good nor inherently bad. It is piss-poor journalism, of course, and shows a lack of any real sense of accountability, but it is not dangerous to anything but the writer’s credibility. Since R-Jizzle has about as much credibility as Geraldo Rivera, there’s really nothing to lose there, either. Still, knowing the disdain that Justice has for this blog and bloggers in general, and knowing that such feelings are echoed by people in “old media” because they view blogs as lacking integrity and journalistic standards², I am damn near choking on the irony. And bile. And a touch of rage. But mainly irony.

Update:  I missed it until just now, but Tom K is all over Justice’s latest waffling on Kubiak.  Dick is amazingly consistent in his inconsistency.

¹ My guess is that he bases this assumption on the commenters who agree with his daily pablum. Which is fair, because they actually are retarded.
² Blah blah blah, the blogger complains about the mainstream media wah wah wah. I know…it’s been done. Never lose sight of the point, though–Richard Justice sucks.

Reader VincentRobert Vega points me in the direction of John McClain’s latest “column.” While I am all in favor of making up conversations in the name of humor (see here), McClain seems to be using the approach to make the same short-sighted, asinine, revisionist points about Mario Williams that he has been vomiting into cyberspace for 22 regular season games.

I was lying in bed Monday night, reading the Chronicle sports section and trying to watch a late edition of SportsCenter, when the spirit of Joel Buchsbaum visited me.

All this lede is missing is “Dear Penthouse Forum” and a reference to “throbbing member” and/or “dripping honeypot.”

Perhaps it was a dream, but it just seemed so real. I could swear I had a conversation with the late, great Buchsbaum about Mario Williams.

“Mario? You just scared the bejabbers out of me to talk about Mario Williams?”

Joel turned up his nose.

I like him, but I don’t love him.

Yeah, but do you LIKE HIM like him? Also, why am I not surprised that John McClain has imaginary conversations with people who agree with him about Mario?

I didn’t want to insult him, because Buchsbaum, as the NFL editor and draft guru for Pro Football Weekly, was the greatest personnel geek in the country.

He left a legacy that hasn’t been matched and probably never will be.

And yet, I am reasonably sure that he is rolling over in his grave right now. Good job.

“You’re being kind, Joel. Most Texans fan would evaluate his performance with the kind of colorful descriptions that would cause me to be fired if I tried to use them in the Chronicle. But I know you want me to ask: Why don’t you love Mario?”

Not true. Most fans who don’t understand football and the learning curve for defensive ends would describe him that way, but those fans are generally mouth-breathing retards. Fans with any sort of football IQ recognize how well Mario is playing right now. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Because he looks like Tarzan and hits like Jane.

“Wow, I’ve never heard that one. Is that the best you can do?”

Did you just make a stupid joke and then rip on your imagination in response to it? Sounds like someone ran out of lorazepam today.

I don’t like his mo-ta.

“His what?”

His mo-ta. You know, his mota doesn’t always run full speed.

Your hu-ma seems to be running a little below top end as well. Just a suggestion from an idiot blogger, but if you are going to use the fake conversation construct to make some sort of point, you might want to get near the point in the first half of the article.

Also, saying his “mo-ta” doesn’t run at full speed is dumb. Have you seen him play this year? Did you see him get a one-handed sack while being blocked? That looked to me like someone who absolutely did not give up on a play. Or how about teams running away from him, yet Mario frequently being in on the tackle or in the picture when the tackle is made on the other side of the field? No, he doesn’t go 100% on every play, but I don’t know too many defensive linemen who do, especially on running plays. Hell, look at Julius Peppers–he seems to be taking entire series off this year.

“Oh, now I get it. Well, that’s nothing new, either.”

Neither is anything you’ve said so far.

I mean, he’s got a Lamborghini body with a go-kart mo-ta. He reminds me of Mamula.

“Mike Mamula? Now that’s hitting below the belt, Joel. Mario is playing much better than in his rookie year, when he played hurt the second half of the season. He’s got three sacks. He’s played the run well at times. I admit he’s been inconsistent. With all due respect, Joel, even you have to admit he’s playing better this season.

Wait a second. Did you just defend Mario? I’m getting dizzy. Still, you seem to be ignoring the almost universal truth that the learning curve for defensive ends is generally three years. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you mention that. Ever. Though that’s probably just because you are pandering to the lapdogs who leave you “Grate articul, jeneral!” comments after everything you post. But I digress.

“If you want to see his motor run full speed, you just watch him Sunday, and — hey, I just thought of something: You didn’t appear to me because this is ‘You Know Who Week’ in Houston, did you?”

You know who?

Ah-ha! There we go. This entire column was a way for you to rehash the “Vince is great, he’s a winner, I want to kiss him on the mouth and possibly bear his children” spiel that you drop on us every couple months. Brilliant. Wait until the week of the game–quite possibly the most important game this franchise has played for a number of reasons–to stir the pot and get your least-common-denominator readers to whine about who we “shoulda” drafted. What a lame, chickenshit, yet utterly unsurprising move.

Here’s an idea–and, again, this is just a dipshit blogger talking–maybe you should spend this week talking about how well Mario has played and how poorly Reggie Bush has played. You know, considering that no one outside of UT fans who are also Texans fans were really considering Vince Young. This revisionist shit, where you talk about Vince being the “obvious” draft pick is irritating beyond belief. The ONLY decision (and the team has since admitted as much) was between Mario and Eric Metcalf, Jr. That’s it. Would Vince have made sense? From a marketing standpoint, definitely. But if we’d taken him and he wasn’t a “winna” with legs of gold and balls of brass, I’m reasonably sure that you and your cronies would be faulting us for not taking Reggie Bush.

Also, I find it humorous that you rehash the poor decision in taking Mario Williams, yet you yourself said it was a good pick right after the draft. Oh, yes you did, John. Houston’s Clear Thinkers preserved your words for posterity.

“Yeah, ‘You Know Who.’ At Reliant Stadium this week, we’re not allowed to speak his name. You better not be here to blast Bob McNair for taking him over the other guy. That’s so tiresome and, frankly, Joel, just out of style. Not that you were an out-of-style guy or anything.”

Call the quarterback — can I call him the quarterback this week? — anything you want, but the guy’s a leed-a. Where I’m from, everybody agrees the kid’s special because all he does is win. And if you don’t believe me, you should come to one of our tailgate parties. We’ve got Lombardi, Landry, Unitas, Van Brocklin, Graham, Gillman, and they all agree: The kid’s a winna.

I have to admit–this approach of having your imaginary friend make your arguments is novel, if not particularly entertaining. Do you really think it’s Vince Young delivering that team to victory? Because I think–and maybe I’m just an asshole–that it might have a little something to do with that Titan defense playing ridiculously well. Haynesworth and Bulluck deserve WAY more credit for the winning being done in Tennessee this year, just like Pacman Jones was far more instrumental in winning games than was Vince last year.

And, you know what, I don’t even think that Vince is an awful QB. Just an overrated QB, who happens to have landed with a team and a system that works for him AND with a defense that can make up for his frequent fumbles and INTs. He’s not all that different from a Rex Grossman, circa 2006. More consistent (who isn’t?) and more entertaining to watch, but a very similar situation. He might develop into the next Steve Young, but for now, he’s a QB with the ability to make the occasional big play and a good enough defense to rescue him when he doesn’t.

“Wow, Joel, that’s some tailgate party you guys have up there. What an honor that would be. But hopefully, it’ll be a couple of more decades before I can hang with you, assuming I’m headed in your direction, of course.

“Not to be disrespectful, because you know I always considered you the best. I seldom missed your weekly show on KTRH, and if you remember, I was the only writer you invited to visit you in your Brooklyn apartment. But I have to be honest: I’ve heard it all before. It’s like a broken record. Just e-mail my blog like everybody else. What’s done is done.”

You’ve heard it all before because you’ve said it all before, ad nauseum. God, I feel like I am beating my face against a brick wall.

Look, Mario Williams was the ultimate workout warrior, a combine freak, but what’s he done to prove he’s worth $28 mil guaranteed? Didn’t they draft him to get to Peyton Manning? Has he gotten close enough to see what num-ba Manning wears?

“But Joel, they’re only six games into their second season, and so much can happen.”

Exactly! But look at what has already happened–Mario has emerged as a good enough pass rusher to draw double-teams nearly all the time. Watch Amobi’s sacks. Three of the four came when Mario was not just being double-teamed, but was practically being gang-raped.

As for the Manning reference, Peyton has only been sacked three times all year…and one of those was courtesy of Amobi Okoye. Do you honestly think a rookie DT gets Manning if Mario is not being targeted by multiple blockers? If so, there is no convincing you that Mario was the right pick, regardless of facts. If not, then this whole “conversation” is somewhat hypocritical.

Yeah, but ‘You Know Who’ is up 2-0, right? Let me tell you something: If Mario wants to be known for something besides breaking the speed barri-a in North Carolina, Sunday would be the time to do it. Everybody will be watching. And I do mean everybody.

Again…if your only measure of Mario’s impact is his sack total, then this is a pointless debate. Opposing offensive coordinators already know that Mario can be dominant. That is why they game plan with a focus on slowing him down. Which is a huge reason why Manchild is looking dominant at times–he’s getting single blockers in the form of a guard or center (big mistake). And if your measure of whether Mario is successful hinges on the TEAM’S record against Tennessee, then I don’t even know where to start.

“Fine, Joel, but Kerry Collins might play. Haven’t you heard? The quarterback’s hurt, and he’s day-to-day.”

Oh, he’s going to play, all right. Trust me on this.

“Oh, yeah? Why should I trust you on this? You got inside information or something?”

Well, as a matter of fact, I do. The quarterback’s leg will be touched and healed this week. And I don’t mean by Lombardi or Landry.

Look, it doesn’t matter who plays QB for the Titans in this game. The only important thing is that we win. If we can win against Vince, I suppose that’s all the better for shutting up you and your ilk, but it’s still only important to someone with an ounce of sense because it’s a win and not because of Young.

[Insert noise of exasperation here.]

Reading back over this post, I realize that it is almost as pointless as your article. I mean, everyone gets it: You think they should have taken Vince Young, I think Mario was a good pick and I don’t think that Vince was ever really an option. Whatever.

Still, coming out with this article–especially in a format that let’s you say “see, I was defending Mario” should he do well on Sunday–during the week of the Titans game smacks of something unseemly. It looks like you are actively rooting for Mario to fail so that you can say “See! See! I told you!” for the next 15 years (assuming you live that long). But considering you defended the pick when it was made and that you profess to be a Texans fan, rooting against Mario now just makes you a crawfishing asshole.

I left a shorter version of that last post as a comment for Stephanie over at FanHouse. In response, she brought up a good point: when we beat the Colts last Christmas Eve (i.e. the last time they lost to anyone), we did with David Carr and Ron Dayne.

Not only that, we did it with the final iteration of Zoolander the Texan. You know, the one whose progression was “safety valve, run out of bounds, fetal position.” The one whose month of December included things like 3-step drops¹, 4 INT game, and a overall rating for the month of 59.9. In that game against the Colts, however, Johnny Whitegloves went 16-26–7 of those to the RBs–for 127 yards (a whopping 4.5 average) and 1 TD. Clearly, this would not be good enough to beat the Colts. Yet, win we did because Ron Dayne chipped in with 153 rushing yards and two TDs, which, along with Kris Brown’s two FGs, allowed us to eke it out.

Now, nine months later, our team appears to be markedly better in nearly every aspect than the one that took the field last December. Most importantly, in place of Carr and Dayne, we’re rolling out there with Schaub and Batman. And, if we can manage to get the Colts to punt–they didn’t punt once in last year’s game–we have Jacoby freakin’ Jones ready to bust off a little somethin’ somethin’.

My point?

Andre Johnson had 4 catches for 48 yards in that game, meaning he wasn’t exactly the reason we won. Hell, he had a holding penalty that negated a TD and forced us to settle for a FG late in the game. We won because Gary Kubiak’s gameplan called for minimizing our weaknesses (i.e. Carr) and exploiting the Colts’ weaknesses (i.e. run defense). There is no reason to think we can’t use the same philosophy this time around. If we do, we can be in this thing until the end.

If, in addition, we cause a couple turnovers and avoid any of our own, we can actually win this game. And I can say with little or no hyperbole that a win Sunday would be the biggest win in the history of the franchise, bar none.

¹ Despite this shortened drop and the instruction from the staff to stop trying to read defenses, Sandy was still sacked 12 times in December… behind the EXACT same line that has only allowed 2 sacks of Matt Schaub. Can we please, PLEASE stop pretending that David’s own timidity and lack of poise didn’t lead to most of his sacks?