DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

I’ve been skeptical about the Steve Slaton pick, admittedly off and on. He’s a fast guy who can probably do plenty of interesting things on the field. But neither I (nor many others) considered him a back that would even sniff 200 carries. He played in a gimmick offense in college, and those guys are usually pretty hard to get a read on. And in the preseason I haven’t been encouraged by the occasional 20 yard carry interspersed with lots and lots of 2 and 3 yard gains.

FootballOutsiders wrote an essay in their latest book about running backs, their size, and their speed. I highly recommend at least reading through it at the bookstore (page 458). Or you could, you know, just buy it. Anyway , they found that of all the information gained from the scouting combine, 40-yard dash times were the most relevant when it comes to predicting future NFL success. Of course 40-yard times should be taken in the context of the player’s size. BMI was used to score a player’s mass relative to their height (after all, 205 lbs is different at 5′7″ and 6′3″). They made a formula and found that the average speed score for all drafted running backs is just north of 100.

Slaton didn’t come out too well in their formula’s eyes, sporting a “speed score” of 96.9; Slaton looks sub-par by this standard. They note that Brian Westbrook scored a 91.71 speed score, but there are very, very few Brian Westbrooks (indeed, he is the only notable outlier of the past 8 years) and tons of LaDainian Tomlinsons (111.7), Edge James (117.4), and Steven Jacksons (117.8). For every Westbrook there’s an army of Artose Pinners and Amos Zeroueues.

So given Slaton’s size, his supposed tendency to fumble, his college system, and his suspect yards-per-carry stats during the pre-season, I haven’t been super-stoked about him.

However, the following is encouraging to hear from people who have seen more than their fair share of film:

What I saw of Slaton when he lined up against the Cowboys’ first-team defense last Saturday was a back with surprising power for his size…

Go ahead and read what they have to say about Slaton. They have a few kind words for Duane “Kung Fu Panda” Brown, too. It’s the second section on the page.

At least judging by the answers he gave in the Houston Texans 2008 Official Yearbook, he is.  All of the draftees were asked some get-to-know-you questions. Here are the answers:

If I were not a football player, I would be:

Duane Brown: A basketball player. I love basketball. I had a couple of offers from smaller schools coming out of high school. Every chance I get, I try to get out there and run around a little bit on the court.

Antwaun Molden: A motivational speaker. I love giving back to the community. When I grew up, I never had that figure, that role model in my life. So I know how important it is for kids to have that positive figure in their lives.

Steve Slaton: A chef. I like to cook.

Xavier Adibi: A basketball player. I played a lot as a kid.

Frank Okam: A chef. I really like to cook. I like to try different things in the kitchen. I started at a very early age, so I can say it’s probably one of my talents.

Dominique Barber: A hockey player. I grew up playing hockey since I was [a] little kid, two years old, just like football.

Alex Brink: Probably in school still, studying, trying to get my MBA.

When I’m not at work, I’m most often:

Brown: Playing video games — Madden or NBA 2k8. It’s just something me and my friends always get a kick out of — heated rivalries.

Molden: Reading on stocks. I read Benjamin Graham, Warren Buffett. I’ve been doing it for a year-and-a-half [sic] now.

Slaton: Usually listening to music.

Adibi: Playing Xbox — NBA 2k8 and Madden.

Okam: Sleeping, especially on this level, I get a lot of rest. But if I’m doing something, I like to be around people. I’m a people person, and that’s important to me.

Barber: Watching hockey, trying to fish or trying to golf.

Favorite all-time song:

Brown: I’d say “The World Is Yours,” by Nas.

Slaton: I don’t know about all-time, but right now it’s Mary J. Blige and Jay-Z, “You’re Welcome.”

Adibi: Sam Cooke, “Long Time Coming (A Change Is Gonna Come).”

Barber: I would say “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” Temptations. [Ed. note: I wonder if he actually means the original version by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell or the later cover done by the Supremes and Temptations? Because the former is MUCH better.]

Brink: I would probably have to say Eminem, “Lose Yourself.”

Favorite non-football sports moment:

Molden: In 2003, we won a national championship in 2003 at NC State in the Adidas National Championship.

Slaton: I ran track in high school, and we did really well in the Penn Relays.

Adibi: My first dunk in a high school game. I was in the ninth grade. Everybody just went crazy.

Barber: Going to the state high school hockey tournament my senior year, just being at the Excel Energy Center where the Minnesota Wild play. It was a memorable moment for me.

Brink: My senior year of high school, I was all state in baseball. Baseball was my favorite sport, so it was awesome to get a little recognition there. I thought about playing in college but didn’t end up doing it because I was in a quarterback battle for like three springs in a row, so I didn’t have time.

Favorite cartoon as a kid:

Brown: “Scooby Doo.”

Molden: I would definitely have to say “Ninja Turtles.”

Slaton: “The Angry Beavers.”

Adibi: “X-Men.”

Okam: Probably sounds a little corny, but it was “Darkwing Duck.”

Barber: “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” Absolutely.

Brink: “Duck Tales.”

What actor would play you in a movie about your life?

Adibi: Will Smith. He just reminds me of myself, you know: tall, handsome…

Okam: Probably Michael Clarke Duncan. Everybody tells me I look like the guy from “The Green Mile,” so it’d have to be somebody pretty big.

Brink: I don’t know…Matthew McConaughey maybe. I think he’s a good actor.

Favorite guity pleasure:

Brown: Cheesecake. I love cheesecake.

Molden: I used to play a lot of video games in high school. I definitely grew out of that now, though. I haven’t picked up a controller in three or four years.

Slaton: Eating cake.

Adibi: I ate a lot of Snickers when I was growing up.

Barber: Cold Stone ice cream. When you can get the whole mixture of my favorite candy, Kit Kat, Snickers…it’s bad.

Brink: My mom’s chocolate chip cookies. No doubt.

Special talents:

Brown: I play the alto saxophone. I started playing that in sixth grade, so I went about eight years straight. I haven’t played in a while, though.

Slaton: Not many people know that I am a really good cook.

Brink: None. I’m very one-dimensional.

Ideal SportsCenter highlight:

Brown: I would just say become tackle eligible or something like that in the red zone, get the ball in my hands somehow and score a touchdown. That’d be my ultimate SportsCenter moment.

Molden: My perfect SportsCenter highlight would be after the Pro Bowl, on ESPN after a great Pro Bowl performance, one of the cast asking me, “What were you thinking on this play when you took an interception to the ouse in the Pro Bowl?” [Ed. note: The Pro Bowl?  Weak.]

Slaton: The first time I touch the ball in the regular season, I take it all the way for a touchdown.

Adibi: Maybe just running through a quarterback’s back and him fumbling, me picking it up and going to the end zone with it.

Okam: You know, it’d probably be a game to clinch going to the playoffs against the Titans and being able to sack Vince Young and cause a fumble and return it for a touchdown. Playing with him at Texas, you never got to touch him because we’ve got that quarterback ruleor whaever,so if I ever get a chance to do that, I’l tell him, “This is what I would’ve been doing to you all those years in college.” [Ed. Note: I didn't think it was possible, but I love Big Frank's selection even more after this answer.]

Barber: I would say a pick to te house, an interception to the house vrsus the Cowboys with my brother (Cowboys RB Marion Barber III) chasing me.

Brink: I would be running for a touchdown and I’d probably be leaping over somebody at the pylonlike Reggie Bush. That would be my ultimate highlight.

First, my Spanish sucks.  Sorry if my translation is off.

Anyway, by now I’m sure you’ve heard that Charles “Big Nasty” Spencer was released today.  I don’t think any of us expected him to be the LT of the future, especially after the arrival of Alex Gibbs and Duane Brown.  Nor do I think anyone was shocked that a round of cuts came today considering that the team had to get down to 80 players by Friday and the easiest way to get there was to get rid of the guys least likely to make the team.  (Which is also why DGDB&D fave Jon Abbate as well as DT Eric Powell and G Dan Stevenson were sent packing this afternoon.)

No, I guess the only surprise, to the extent that there is one, is that Spencer was listed among the guys least likely to make the team, ahead of (or behind, I guess) such notables as TE Ryan Krause and/or 5-10 WR Mark Simmons.  Nothing against those guys, but you’d think that seeing what (if anything) Spencer had in the tank would be worth more than seeing what Mark Simmons brings to the table.  (Editor’s guess: Not much.)

In other, slightly related news while we are talking about roster space, I am still baffled about our continued employment of Bryan Pittman when THREE other Texans (Dreessen, Bulman, and Zgonina) can do his job while simultaneously not being limited to ONLY doing his job.  Dreessen would actually be the perfect dude to fill the dual role, as he is not asked to do much in the TE department on most days.

‘Dinger To The Rescue! Tennessean.com has the questions regarding the BESFs heading into camp.  My favorite part, however, is the suggestion that VY only “arguably” regressed last year.  Riiiight.  Even ignoring that, however, this is worth linking to for the comment section alone. (h/t Eric)

Alex Gibbs, Super Genius. Speaking of questions, Chris has a few of his own regarding the JUGGERNAUT offense.  And he raises an interesting point about the ZBS and its use during camp/practice.

Finally.  It’s been reported pretty much everywhere else (so I’m not linking) that all of the draftees except for Duane Brown have signed.  If you are like me and the idea of having a real NT intrigues you, the signing of Frank Okam is particularly wonderful.  I will pose the same question that a number of people have, though:  Which rookie makes the biggest impact in 2008?

Even if they aren’t the latest in Filipino tranny porn

With a h/t to Solis, let’s check out one of my new faves (even though I haven’t exactly seen more than this of him), Antwaun Molden!

Via Draftguys

Out of Eastern Kentucky, he is a bit of a work in progress (he’s #17).

[Ed: There ya go.]

How can the internet be oh so cruel?

One of the odder things about me,¹ especially to people who have only known me for a relatively short time, is that I spent nearly two years working in a daycare. Even more strange, however, is that I still count that one as my favorite job I’ve ever had. During the school year, I would drive the (short) bus and take the school-age kids to their respective elementary schools, then spend the rest of the day in the three-year-old room, quietly crafting my unholy toddler army. But that is a story for a different day.

During the summer, however, I abandoned my post as three-year-old assistant teacher and was full-time in the school-age room. For the most part, I was responsible for driving us on field trips, delivering some kids to the community swimming program, and making sure no one got killed (which is harder than it sounds when you are the one wanting some of them to die). I also spent a great deal of time dominating nine-year-olds at basketball (on an 8-foot goal!) and wiffle ball. Those were the salad days.

Part of our summer program included something called Outdoor Teaching Activities, which we predictably shortened to OTAs. Ostensibly a way to teach the kids about science and nature, these were really nothing more than having them measure wind speed with bubbles or guess how many helium balloons it would take to lift object X five feet off the ground. Maybe they learned something, maybe they didn’t, but it got them outside and kept us (the teachers) sane. Plus, there is nothing more entertaining than watching a kid who throws like Lamar when he is on flat ground try to throw while standing on a balance beam. High comedy there.

ANYWAY, the point is that, to this day, when I hear “OTAs,” even in a Texans context, my mind does not go to 7-on-7 football and cone drills. Instead, I immediately picture Charles Spencer lighting leaves on fire with a magnifying glass and Zac Diles standing on top of a jungle gym with a bubble wand. I am nothing if not strange.

My own mental issues aside, however, OTAs continue in Texanland, entirely devoid of four-leaf clover searches and sidewalk chalk. And, as a blogger, I suppose I should get off my lazy ass² and mention them. First up, some choice quotes (and my less-than-choice reactions) from that font of wisdom and geyser of information, Gary Kubiak.

(on the possibility of a healthy QB Matt Schaub, RB Ahman Green and WR Andre Johnson) “Well, it means a great deal. Y’all saw how we played offensively when Ahman was available because he just brings a new dimension, and I think what we’re doing running the ball with Alex (Gibbs), I think Ahman’s really a nice fit with that and I think he’s gaining confidence in what we’re doing. The health of the football team’s important across the board, not just those three, but those three are pretty darn important.”

Not gonna lie to you, Gar…this isn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear. My hope was that you would say “Ahman? Ahman who? Oh, you mean that guy we are going to cut June 1? Yeah, F him.” In retrospect, I was probably hoping for too much, both from him last year and from you in this quote, but still.

Seriously, though, (1) I don’t see Green staying healthy and (2) I REALLY don’t see him thriving in the new system. His field vision is good enough, but methinks there are too many miles on those old legs to really get the explosive cuts that make the system effective.

Kubiak again:

(on the role of DE Anthony Weaver) “I think it could actually pick up for him because he’s healthy. He’s going through the offseason and he’s feeling as good as he’s ever felt. You always have to rotate D-linemen. I think maybe we’ll get a little more out of Anthony than last year just because we’re getting a good offseason out of him.”

Phew, that’s good. I was worried that we’d get less out him than last year. What’s that? There’s nothing less than zero? Oh…yeah…I suppose you are right.

Yes, yes, I know he was coming off a shoulder injury, so I will cut him a little slack. But when you are the highest paid player on the team, you only get so much slack. I really hope he does contribute like I thought he would when we signed him, because that would give us a monster D-line. I’m just not going to hold my breath here and I won’t be surprised one bit if BFD’s prediction of Chaun Thompson as a situational DE limits Weaver’s impact.

Other news and notes from the first three days of OTAs:

• **Unlike last year, the Texans website is no longer pluralizing OTA as OTA’s. This makes me exceedingly happy. And, because I wrote this last year, I am going to take credit for the change. Viva me!
• **DGDB&D whipping boy Petey Faggins is back and he’s mad! OK, not “mad,” really. More like, “hoping to still be on the team come opening day.” Says the seventh-year pro, “I just remembered all the good things that happened and got my confidence back up.” No offense, Pete, but I searched my memory long and hard for good things that happened to you and all I could come up with was you losing your starting job after the Chargers game.
• **I have a theory. If you face this everyday in practice, Kyle Vanden Bosch starts to look as intimidating as a midget driving a VW Beetle:

• **Finally, and as BFD mentioned, Andre Johnson is still on the shelf following minor knee surgery. It sounds crazy, but the health of that knee is likely the difference between 7-9 and 10-6. He is THAT important to the offense, as we saw over and over again last year. Here’s hoping he’s 100% come September.

¹ Which, if you know me, is really saying something.
² Figuratively, of course. Because who would type standing up?

Travis Johnson: (to self) OK, Trav…you gots to get these vows done. OK…here we go…

(takes out pad and crayon and begins to write) Baby, u so fine, I want to suck u like a smokt nekbone.

Frank Okam: (entering lockerroom) Hey, Trav, what’s up?

Johnson: Shut your ass, rookie. Can’t you see I am trying to think here?

Okam: Think about what? What are you writing?

Johnson: Damn, you a nosy motherfucker. Shit. I’m trying to write my motherfuckin’ wedding vows. The woman says we have to write our own so they be special. She knows I ain’t wrote nuthin’ since high school.

Okam: You mean college?

Johnson: D-d-d0 I stutter, you rookie asshole? No, I mean HIGH SCHOOL.

Okam: Oh, yeah, I totally forgot you went to Florida State. My bad. Well, uh, I could give you some help on this if you want.

Johnson: The fuck do you know about wedding vows?

Okam: Well, not much per se, but I tend to write well. And I’m willing to help. (glances at paper) And based on what you have so far, it’s probably a good idea for you to let someone help. Assuming you actually want her to say “I do,” I mean.

Johnson: The fuck is wrong with what I have so far? That’s some romantical shit right there, rookie. You ain’t got no idea how bitches think. They don’t want some lovey Homeo and Juliet making out on the Eiffel Tower shit. That shit is for the gays. Like Trent Green would probably whisper that kinda shit.

Okam: (looking confused)…on the…Eif–nevermind. (has epiphany) OK, fine, you’re probably right; you’ve got way more life experience than I. How about I just help you with some ideas and help you proofread it?

Johnson: I guess that’s cool. So, after the neckbone bit, I was going to go into detail about how much I love her.

Okam: Sounds like a plan.

Johnson: Something like this:

Baby, I luv u mor than I luv getin relly high and watching old kung-fu movies.

Okam: Hmm.

Johnson: What?

Okam: Oh, nothing. Just considering how great the woman must be. That’s all.

Johnson: Yeah, she pretty fly. No doubt about that. So, then, I thought I’d tell her how much she means to me.

Baby, u meen mor to me than my PS3, my 22s, and that time I got to hang out with Jamie Foxx and ride arond in his limo and shit.

Okam: Pure poetry, man. Go on, though. Tell her why she means so much to you.

Johnson: Yeah, dawg! Good call.

Baby, u are so speshul to me because u done had my kids.

Okam: That’s it?

Johnson: More? How about

And becuze u luv me and becuze u don’t mind how much I swet when we be sexin cuz u understand that Houston is one humid mutherfucker.

Okam: Awesome.

Johnson: Then, finally, I thought I’d get all deep on her ass and tell her how because of her, I understand what love really is.

Okam: (genuinely shocked) Seriously? Preach on it, man.

Johnson: Yeah, so, like

Baby, u no I never understude why Jay-Z didn’t put the song Encore last on the Black Album if that was relly suppost to be his final album. I mean, shit, the last verse says “this heres the victry lap and I’m leevin’;” don’t that sound like the way to end an album? But luv ain’t neer as confuzin as that shit–when I am with u, I understan that love is what I feel in my heart.

Okam: (relieved) Fantastic, man. She is going to love it. Great job.

Johnson: Thanks, rookie fag. Now, I gots to go memorize this stuff.(Johnson leaves)

Okam: (to self) Yes, go memorize your little vows, Travis. I can’t wait for her to hear them, either. BWAHAHA! I will destroy you, Travis. Yes, DESTROY! And then the starting Nose Tackle job shall be mine!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

To Be Continued…

Day 1 of minicamp is in the books. Which means that day one of the Alex Gibbs era, the return of Barbaro, the likely immolation of Jacques Reeves, and a whole host of other stuff. Mmm…tastes like chicken, err, football.

Anyway, most of the quotes coming out after today’s workouts were what you’d expect. The rookies were wide-eyed and thrilled to be there; the team looks good, but has to shake off some rust; everyone’s goal for minicamp is just to improve and get comfortable with the new pieces and plans; blah blah blah.

One thing jumped out, however–that BFD’s fear seems likely to come to fruition. At least if take Kubes at his word.

(on how T Duane Brown looked) “Well, I’ll have to go back and see but, you know, we’ve got to see how far we can bring this kid in the next month and so we put him right in there with the first group today. And I know it was very tough on Ephraim (Salaam), and y’all know I have a great deal of respect for Ephraim and I can understand why it was tough, but as I explained to him, I’ve got to see how far I can bring this young man. But I know Ephraim’s going to do his job and I’m expecting good things from him, but we felt like we had to put this kid to work right away.

(on if T Duane Brown is first on the depth chart) “Yes, he’ll be working with the first group, and that’s the only way we’re going to find out if this kid’s going to get to where we want him to go and how quick he can get there. You draft these kids in the first round to come in and play and that’s nothing against Ephraim (Salaam), as I said, and we’ve had this conversation. But I understand the difficulty in that, but we as coaches feel like we have to put this kid to work right away.”

Hmm…what to make of this? I’d say (a) Gibbs wants his guy to play and he wants it NOW, (b) Kubiak realizes that the better half of Black Salaami isn’t all that good, and (c) Duane Brown really is the archetype ZBS LT that we need. Plus, there is probably a little (d) “tell the fanbase the kid is a bona fide #1 just to keep the natives from becoming restless” in there as well. Lord knows no one wants restless Houstonians running around.

At this point, I am inclined to believe that Brown will be the opening day starter at LT. Now, I understand the fears of him being eaten alive by the various monster RDEs in the AFC South, but there are two things that make me think he’ll be okay if he is the starter from dia una (takes large swig of the Kool-Aid):

First, I am just telling myself (over and over and over) that, Gibbs’ pet or not, he will not be the starter until he can really be the starter. By which I mean, trial-by-fire only goes so far, especially when you are talking about the guy who is protecting the blindside of your franchise QB’s surgically repaired shoulder. So he is only going to get this LT gig if he can really do it. Will he struggle against KVB, et al? Possibly. But the question is not can he stop KVB on every single down; the question is can he stop KVB (or whomever) more consistently than Salaam can? If the answer is yes, then by all means, throw him in there and let him show me that I was wrong when I broke the TV remote after his selection.

Second, though, I am taking some comfort in this little snippet from BRB:

In his first game at right tackle he faced none other than Mario Williams. At his post-draft press conference, Duane was asked to comment about his encounter with Williams.

“I remember that night like it was yesterday. I was two weeks into the position; it was the opener and a night game at NC State. (Mario Williams) is a very intimidating figure. I held my own that night and it was the beginning of my transition. Being able to go against him in practice, he is one of the best defensive ends in the league. I think practicing against him will be great for me and will help me.”

He started at right tackle for two full seasons before moving over to left tackle in his senior year. In those three years, Brown racked up 42 consecutive starts.

In his senior season, Brown boasted an outstanding 89% blocking consistency average. By comparison, the overall first pick in the 2008 NFL draft, Jake Long, had an 88% blocking consistency rating in his final year at Michigan.

As we all remember, Mario was a bad motor scooter in college. If Brown really did hold his own against Super Mario in his first ever game as a tackle, then he has some serious natural-born talent hidden away in there. And, for all the effort he gave us last year, that is something that Ephraim Salaam just doesn’t really possess.

Of course, if I am wrong to optimistic now (and, conversely, right to have been pissed on Draft Day), I reserve the right to give him a horrible nickname and point out again and again that we already had a ZBS LT on the roster in Eric Winston. I’m a fickle mofo like that.

I rarely do the whole “link to another story” post, but this is an exception.  Check out SOLIS’ post on Xavier Adibi over at BRB.  And then allow me to reiterate that he is, by far, my favorite player we took in this draft.

I love to quote myself as an authority in later conversations. It really disorients the listener and, if you are engaged in a debate of some sort, bolsters your own cred and you current argument at the same time. It works in pretty much any discussion.

“Man, Pacino is a much better actor than DeNiro.” “Actually, as I noted just two weeks ago, DeNiro’s range makes him a much better actor than Pacino.”

“I love creamy peanut butter.” “Interesting, but are you aware that I stated over a year ago that crunchy peanut butter is the bee’s knees?”

“You suck.” “Have you considered my findings of 4/12/06 that you are a shiteating cockrag?”

Anyway, with that in mind, I won’t be grading this year’s draft in any sort of conventional sense. Because, as I said in this blog’s inaugural post,

Speaking of “grading” the drafts, let me just say that I find the whole process asinine. The two most important things in a draft should be (a) filling needs and (b) taking the best available player to fill those needs (with an eye on not drafting a player too early). Unfortunately, most people seem to grade the draft by guessing what the drafted players will do in the NFL. Teams that get the Can’t Miss players automatically “score” higher. But, for every Reggie Bush, there are multiple Can’t Miss guys like Robert Gallery, Charles Rogers, and Joey Harrington. Even more to the point, there are plenty of guys in this and every draft taken after the first round or two who will become stars. So, when Kiper says that the Raiders did well because they got a “franchise QB” in JaMarcus Russell, he’s talking out of his ass. Which probably also has fantastically groomed hair.

I stand by that; grading a draft is stupid because it assumes you know what players are going to do. Or you are simply giving the best grades to the teams who got more of the players you rated highly beforehand, which is also stupid. So, aside from my esteemed co-blogger, who I would totally make out with if we weren’t both straight guys, anyone who grades a draft can go die in a fire.

What I will do, however, is offer a completely biased, utterly unscientific ranking of the players into categories of my own choosing. This is not a draft grade, it’s an arms race, ho. Or something like that.

Player Whose Selection I Absolutely Love:

Xavier Adibi–Well before people started declaring for the draft, Adibi was on my shortlist of LBs possibly coming out (along with Laurinitis and Beckwith). I even watched four VaTech games solely to keep an eye on him. So, yeah, you could say I am thrilled about this pick. He has insane lateral speed, a great nose for the ball, and I don’t think I ever saw him give up on a play. Plus, he knocks the shit out of people, seemingly just for fun sometimes. I dare say that, if he becomes the player I think he will, a trio of Adibi, Greenwood, and DeJesus gives us one of the best LB units in the league. At worst, his selection will push Zach Diles to become a better OLB, so it’s kind of win-win. In fact, the only person this selection is probably bad news for is Kevin Bentley–I don’t see us breaking camp with six linebackers and my guess is that we’ll take Adibi, DeMeco, Greenwood, Diles, and Thompson. (This is subject to change if BFD’s “Thompson as DE” theory pans out.)

Players Whose Selections Make Me Excited In A Non-Sexual Way:

Frank Okam–While I think BFD might be throwing out the ultimate absolute best-case scenario when he likens Okam to Shaun Rogers, I am a big fan of Frank. Given that I basically screamed for a NT non-stop over the last three months, getting a really bright guy who is 6′4″/350 and runs a 5.32 is like a dream come true. I am not buying the “move him to guard” talk for a second, as Okam is immediately the best NT prospect we have. Yes, that includes you, Trav, you underwhelming fuckhole. Anyway, getting Okam in Day 2 more than makes up for not getting Balmer with our first rounder in my book. Plus, I honestly think that his presence makes Amobi and Mario better this year, which should frighten the sweet tap-dancing Christ out of opposing QBs.

Steve Slaton–The thing that really excites me about Slaton is that I think we got a great bargain where we picked him. If you harken back to, say, August 2007, Slaton and Brian Brohm were talked about as early Heisman favorites. Now, neither had the season to back that up, but–in Slaton’s case, at least–I don’t think that’s entirely his fault. That WVU team had so many weapons in the backfield that I feel safe in assuming Steve merely got lost in the shuffle. Once Pat White started dominating with his legs in the spread, Slaton’s role was diminished and it was further hurt by the impact of Noel Devine and Owen Schmitt. *takes another sip of the Kool-Aid* Regardless of whether I am indulging in wishful thinking, one thing is for sure: Slaton is the potential homerun threat that we haven’t had since…um…ever.

Players Whose Selections Do Not Make Me Want To Kill Someone:

Antwaun Molden–We needed a CB according to many people and, other than DR-C (side note: Fuck you to death, Arizona), I wasn’t really wanting to take one with our first-round pick after overpaying Frenchy Reeves. So getting Molden answered both of my wishes with respect to this position. As others have more descriptively detailed, Molden is a physical corner and is a workout warrior. Reminds me of a certain Gamecock we drafted last year.

Dominique Barber– The only reason I don’t dislike this pick is because I am all for some good, old fashioned competition in the safety corps during this year’s camp. I’ve never been much of a fan of C.C. Brown or Glenn Earl, so bringing in more bodies to up the level that people will have to perform is all right by this guy.

Player Whose Selection Will Only Be Acceptable If Accompanied By A Pro Bowl Selection:

Duane Brown–Look, I’ve read all the explanations for taking him. For the record, I like this one from Chris the best. But here’s my problem with this pick: the beauty of the ZBS is that in all the years Gibbs has been doing it, he’d only taken an offensive lineman once in the first round.

Another consistent thing about Gibbs’ teams–more often than not, they don’t take offensive linemen early in the draft. In 1984, the first o-lineman they took was in Round 8 (Winford Hood). In 1985, Round 5 (Billy Hinson). In 1986, Round 4 (Jim Juriga–this one is misleading, though, because the fourth round was the first pick Denver had). In 1987, Round 8 (Dan Morgan). In 1995, Round 4 (Jamie Brown). In 1996, Round 7 (Leslie Ratliff). In 1997, Round 3 (Dan Neil). In 1998, Round 7 (Trey Teague). In 1999, Round 2 (Lennie Friedman). In 2000, Round 4 (Cooper Carlisle). In 2001, Round 4 (Ben Hamilton). In 2002, they didn’t draft one. Finally, in 2003, Round 1 (George Foster).

When he went to Atlanta, the trend continued. 2004–didn’t draft one. 2005–Round 5 (Frank Omiyale). 2006–Round 5 (Quinn Ojinnaka).

Look at those names for a second.  Presumably, these are all guys that Gibbs was “really high on,” yet only one of them warranted a first-round selection.  By taking Brown in the first round, Gibbs must be saying that Brown is such a perfect fit for his system that Gibbs absolutely could not take the chance of not getting him.  In short, Brown must be the ultimate archetype of a ZBS lineman.  Or at least as much of an archetype as George Foster was.
Yeah…

Anyway, that’s not the reason the selection pissed me off so much.  If Brown really is designed for the ZBS, that’s great.  But the question is whether he’s better at LT than Mendenhall would have been at RB.  Or Jenkins would have been at corner.  Sure, we got Slaton and Molden, which definitely eases the sting a bit, but if Brown falls on his face (or even if Mendenhall and Jenkins thrive elsewhere while Brown is just average), there is going to be a huge “what if Gibbs had just stuck to his pattern and not reached for Brown” hanging over the pick.

Player Whose Selection Suggests Kubiak Must Owe Alex Brink’s Dad A Favor:

Alex Brink–Seriously…what the fuck?

I’m feeling a little sappy tonight, so bear with me. First, a shout out to Liston and hope he’s doing well (and toast should always be eaten above the head, when possible). I’d take Liston over about 99% of professional comedy writers. Secondly, total thanks to Eric for doing the leg work on this post.

We’re now a couple of days post-draft hangover (a vicious Zima hangover, if you’re Tim). I’ve already given my take on the draft, so let’s take a tour around the rest of the delightful internetz and get some opinions from the “experts’ on how the Texans performed (and, by “opinions,” remember that if they don’t match ours, they are wrong. Of course.).

Let’s start with the scorched earth version of Emily Post, Texans blogger Steph Stradley. With her harsh, septic take on life, you knew there was no way she could be complimentary of the Texans. She proved this by giving a completely unfair B/incomplete. Perhaps, one day, she will come to embrace life. For now, I just hope Kubiak wasn’t within back-hand distance when Duane Brown’s name was called (You know, after re-reading this paragraph, I think I’m a little bitter about not being invited to this. Steph, this situation at least calls for some in-depth probing. And I promise: it won’t take long at all.).

Dr. Z is one of the few mass media types I enjoy because he’s not afraid to get technical with his audience (why, yes, I adore Ron Jaworski). This is what he said:

Houston Texans: So their venture into the O-line arena in the first round nets them a finesse guy, Duane Brown, after they traded down eight places. What I’ve always felt about this team is that linemen should be brought in by the truckload, not on little tippy toes.

The grammar channeling of a Chron writer aside, I think he sums up well some of my concerns about Brown. He didn’t give a grade, per se, but it wouldn’t be too pretty.

The hair-opshere reference? Oh yeah, that’s gotta be all about Mel Kiper. He gave us one of the worst grades, a “C”, but I don’t fully understand why from his write-up. Fortunately, Kiper has reached the point of that aunt of yours who knows every-little-fucking-thing in the world, but she earns minimum wage at the local car dealership answering phones. Or is that just my family?

ProFootballWeekly doesn’t hand out grades but seriously echoes of Dr. Z with their write-up. Personally, I think it’s a fair summary of our draft.

Jason Cole at Yahoo! Sports gives us a B, but he adds something I hadn’t seen before:

Okam, a former defensive tackle, is likely to shift to guard, a clever move by teams that realize that non-athletic DTs can make for cheap, athletic G’s.

I argue the part about Okam not being athletic, but this is a really interesting take. Evidently, Okam scored a 39 on the Wonderlic. which just kinda verifies what we already knew: he’s a smart MF. I’m not buying the G angle, but it’s something to consider. Props to Cole.

Finally, Gregg Rosenthal and Evan Silva at nbcsports.com give us a B-. They did give the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers a D+, so I think they put some thought behind it.

So, what can we learn from all these grades? Well, nothing. This exercise reminds me of some advice my father never gave me: opinions are like assholes, and yours stinks.

If there is a takeaway from this grade-wankery, it’s that there isn’t a ton of deviation between opinions. Duane Brown was a stretch and he’s a project. We got some bargains at the end of the draft. BFD + cheerleaders = more complimentary write ups. No surprises once you think about it.

Let me end on this. Mike Florio at PFT has a write-up about Kyle Shanahan and Reggie Bush. Now, aside from this sentence of stupidity:

So, basically, Shanahan thinks Bush is a third-down type player. Which is an accurate assessment of him now.

No. I call bullshit. I don’t know many people who actually thought he would be more than that. And the insinuation that Shanahan had anything to do with this pick, which is asinine beyond belief in the context of the 2006 draft, is just silly.

But the rest? Basically, even though we all know that Shanahan is Chris Simms’ bitch, I have a little place in my heart for him.

Edit: Completely remiss if I don’t add this must-read article by SOLIS on Super Steve Slaton.

Well, it’s all done but the crying. I gotta admit that I’m still disappointed that we lost out on DRC (note to self: do a better job discrediting who we want next year), and I will forever hate the Cards because of it. Or something. That said, I’m gonna throw up (sic) some grades for our draft this year, and I would love to hear your feedback. I’m not going to do any purposeful agitating a la Little Dickie Justice, age 12. I’m going to try and be as honest as possible with my subjectivity and objectivity.

1st Round (#26 overall): Duane Brown, LT, Virginia Tech.  I originally wasn’t too excited, and then I slipped quickly into acceptance. Considering he was taken with the 26th pick of the 1st Round, it’s definitely an over-draft. That we traded back eight places and still got the guy we allegedly wanted the entire time earns some points, though. For now, it’s a bit of a wash on the good and bad, and I am still worried about his ability to have a short-term impact on the team, so I will go with a Grade B. No, not great. I think it’s average right now, and it’s a full grade higher because of the trade down and acquisition of additional picks. Mr. Brown and Smithiak are certainly welcome to make me eat that grade, however.

3rd Round #1 (#79 overall): Antwaun Molden, CB, Eastern Kentucky. curtisdisco had some good things to say about Molden at BRB, and if you check out the entire thread, the guy is definitely a work-out fiend. Seriously, the guy seems to be a slightly lesser version of DRC: small school and huge combine numbers. Considering what the guy has had to deal with as a human, and how *pissed* he was at his badass workouts, I am prepared to go JJ on him. Grade B+.

3rd Round #2 (#89 overall): Steve Slaton, RB, West Virginia. I do worry he’ll be a Chris Perry at the highest level due to his size and seeming inability to run between the tackles, but he definitely has game-changing ability. Used in the proper role, I can see him excelling. Grade B+. I do think we need to set realistic expectations that he is not a true #1 RB, but I have no problem with that, either.

4th Round (#118 overall): Xavier Adibi, OLB, Virginia Tech. Here’s my take…so, we didn’t take a DE in this draft, yet I believe it to be a serious area of need. We signed Chaun Thompson, who could line-up at DE as a serious speed rusher. Yes, that’s where I am going with this. Chaun will see a lot of time opposite Mario at DE, and I have absolutely no problem with this. Chaun *is* 6′2″, 250lbs, so he’s not terribly undersized. But if he can become a demon off the outside, yeah, I’m liking this.

As for Adibi, as I said previously, I see a lot of Morlon Greenwood. Others in the Draft Thread said DeMeco, but that’s a little too far for me. And again with the b0ng hit of Adibi. He’ll definitely challenge Zach Diles and Kevin Bentley at SAM. An interesting pick with some seriously high upside. Grade A-. As stupid as this may sound, if any of our picks have a big impact in 2008, I think it’s most likely to be Adibi.

5th round (#151 overall): Frank Okam, DT, The University of Texas at Austin…bitchez. Yes, an alum from my beloved alma mater. And, yes, I am super-excited about this pick (though not as excited as Tim). He has a first-class body, a top-of-the-class mind, but he has the motor of a moped. He also needs some serious work on his technique. The worst thing about him is his ability to disappear for stretches, but when he’s on, he’s Shaun Rogers good (when his engine is running, of course).

Going into the 2007 season, I thought Okam would be a legit 1st round pick. That he slid is more of an indictment of the motor, technique, and (oh yeah!) conditioning than it is anything else. A motivated Okam would be an absolute steal and the acquisition of a 1st rounder in the 5th. Grade A-.

6th round (#173 overall): Dominique Barber, S, Minnesota. I just don’t understand this pick. We took Molden, we have enough DBs to hold up against Andre Ware, and we took the slowest S on the board? I mean, I think even I could hang with this guy in the 40 (20 years ago). Look, he may be Marion’s brother, but I hate that SOB. Grade D.

7th round (#223 overall): Alex Brink, QB, Washington State. I watched only about half of one WSU game this year, and I don’t have much of an image of Brink. He’s mobile but smallish, and he definitely has a “West Coast Offense” kinda arm, which means it ain’t the strongest. I will reiterate that I believe that Kubiak carries three QBs on the active roster, and Brink will be practice squad fodder. Grade who cares.

Overall Grade:

I think we are seeing a trend of sorts with Smithiak, which is taking safer picks in the earlier rounds and going for the homerun in later rounds. I’m OK with this. Brown, for all the smack, was a fairly safe pick. Mario and DeMeco were a fairly safe picks. In 2007, ManChild was an easy call and not a gamble, but they went Jacoby Jones in the 3rd, Fred Bennett in the 4th, and Brandon Frye in the 5th (looking forward to seeing him in the summer).

This draft just seems similar to me. A safer pick at the line early (Brown vs. Okoye), l33t skill position in the 3rd (Slaton vs. JJ [nod to JJ here, though]), a DB with upside (Bennett vs. Molden) in there, and another lineman with talent in the 5th (Okam vs. Frye).

Overall, I give this draft a very sold B+ with a greater possibility of upside than not. Molden and/or Okam could make this grade an “A” by themselves, much less Brown or Slaton. I’m excited.

Sadly, Jamaal got snatched up by the Chiefs, but we nabbed Antwuan Molden, CB, Eastern KY. Yeah, he’s somebody I can root for. Wow. Specs remind me a bit of DRC.

Edit: 2nd 3rd Rounder: Steve Slaton, RB, WV - A little on the smallish size, which scares me, but legit home run ability. A good fall-back plan after losing out on Charles. Not sure if he’ll be more than a 3rd down back, though. I would’ve preferred Harrison or Thompson instead, but Slaton was #3 for me.

Edit: And with our 4th round pick, we take: Xavier Adibi, OLB, VaTech. He’s a fast dude, but a little on the smallish size. A little bigger but a little slower than Morlon Greenwood. Scott Wright’s NFL Countdown has him as the #4 OLB in the draft.

Edit: In his mother’s basement, Tim sprouts wood as our Texans take Frank Okam, DT, The University of Texas @ Austin. Yes, I like this one as well.

Edit: Ummmm, what? Dominique Barber with our 6th? I admit to knowing nothing about the guy. He was a S at Minnesota and is slow. *shrugs*

Courtesy of b0ng, how about a bong hit of Xavier Adibi?

Edit: In the 7th, we take Alex Brink, QB, Washington State.  Eh, not a ton of arm strength.  I think he’ll be our 2008 version of Jared Zabransky (watch the man-crush on this one, 1Tex.  Jared broke your heart.).

I’ve had a bit of a cold over the past couple of days, and it’s been a bear to sleep.  Top it off with a huge line of storms that hit at about 5:30, and I’m running on little sleep.

So, in that time, I’ve been thinking about Duane Brown, football, and sweaty men in tight pants in general.  After looking at the other comments, I think a lot of us having been thinking about large men with big, manly hands…and have come to fairly similar conclusions.  Here’s my take:

I woke up next to Duane this morning, and I didn’t have a case of coyote ugly.  I looked over at Duane and thought to myself, “You know, he ain’t bad.  He’s not a cheerleader, he’s not the hottie drill team chick….he’s kinda like the homely looking Debate Club girl, not at all as in Not Another Teen Movie, though.”

Now, we had a good time, but I’m not quite ready to meet his parents yet.  Frankly, he’s going to have to work on a few things to win me over completely, such as creating holes, getting to attack points, getting stronger, and washing windows - you know, the usual stuff.

Now, the last time Alex Gibbs set somebody up in the first round with a LT, it was George Foster.  Foster was also a “terrific athlete” who was supposed to be all that and a bag of Cheetos.  Sure, we can’t control the fact that he ate all that, the bag of Cheetos, and the bag, but it still turned out to be a bust of a pick.  Alex seems to be a bit better at the whole “My Fair Lady” thing, taking lumps of clay and molding them into gold.  Matt Lepsis, who was signed as an UDFA by the Broncos, is a perfect example.

We did get 3rd and 6th round picks to make up for trading back.  And, heck, I would be elated to take Jamaal-American Charles with one of 3rd rounders to bring in for the occasional menage-a-trois to spice up the marriage a bit.

One additional comment: Somebody mentioned (too lazy to look, sorry!) that this was like 2006 all over again.  I respectfully disagree.  I think there was consensus that we wanted a LT, just not one so damn early, especially considering we passed on Rashard Mendenhall, a bunch of DEs, and other schwag on the way through.

Don’t worry, Duane: I’ll call you in the morning.  I know some people - and they apparent already really like you, as well - that can fix you up to make me proud to be in a long-term relationship with you.  It’s a little more maintenance than I had hoped, but I’ll give it a chance to work.

{hugs and kisses},

bfd

First take: Seriously?

Second take: No, you can’t be fucking serious.

Third take: Seriously?

4th-Nth takes: See third take above.

Yes, it’s like that.

Look, I recognize that he “fills a need.”  But as somebody who could’ve been drafted 20 picks later, who cares.  Ya see, Brown is what we call “a reach.”  A “reach-around” is almost good.  Hell, depending on the pitcher and the money involved, I’d be down with that.  A “reach” is ***not*** good.  Not in the least.

The draft is about maximizing talent and maximizing what your team needs.  Yes, we need a LT - and the problem, after reading his fucking scouting report, is that we still do - but we could’ve traded this pick, gotten more schwag (a la our 18th), and still been happy.

Duane Brown as a Texan?  Not a bad idea.  Duane Brown as the 26th pick of the 2008 NFL draft?  Fuck.

Get the point?

Truly, I am not trying to be angry with the pick.  If the Cards hadn’t dicked us by taking our beloved DRC, then all would’ve been good (props to whomever reminded us of this misjustice).  But that didn’t happen.

Reaching is simply a different way to say that we did not maximize our pick @ 26.  The last time Alex Gibbs “drafted” an OL was when he took George Foster out of Georgia…the same dude who got traded to Detroit for buffet costs.  I don’t understand why we didn’t give Gibbs a chance to work with what we already had, especially if we were trying to sell Barbaro has healthy.

Let me end this rambling, drunken post with one, single word:

Reach.

Or something like that.

I’m just gonna throw this out there so that it is preserved for Saturday: There is no chance in hell that the Texans take Aqib Talib. The dude had THREE marijuana test failures (including one he claims was not a big deal because he admitted before he took the test that he was going to fail it!), has a reputation for being a cocky dickhead, AND his form as a cover corner (most notably in the hips) is flawed.

No way, no how; if the other three corners are off the board when 18 rolls around, we’ll go another direction.

So there.

On Saturday, if you are watching the draft within the vicinity of a computer, you’ll be happy (I think) to know that I am liveblogging the first round using fancy new software that will update in real time, allow me to embed pics and sounds, and give you a place to reply in real time as well. It’ll be Nerdapalooza up in here.

After much hype and a lull that would make the Big 10 jealous, I present to you:

The NBC Sports Blogger Mock Draft.

I’d also like to welcome the newest Texan, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie.

In what is almost certainly an oversight destined to get someone fired, NBCSports.com has asked me and BFD to represent the Texans in their mock draft.  I don’t want to give away too much, but I will just say that there are some names that might slip to us that would make you very, very happy.

The draft should be posted, like, soon, or something.  By the 21st, I believe.

Here is where I will throw in my requisite “Just Say No” to Jonathan Stewart and Mike Jenkins.