DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Kickoff - “Oh, yeah, we are supposed to do these morning posts” Edition

Nov 19, 2008 2008 Season, Anger, Antwaun > Petey, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Boobies, Damn it, Fire Richard Smith, Kickoff, Vince Young can't read this post

Signs Your Season Is Not Going Well No. 232203:  People are writing wire service stories entitled “Somebody stick a fork in the Texans.”  Better idea–somebody stick a fork deep inside Richard Smith’s skull.  And then twist it around.  And then pee on him.  /anger issues

Now, to distract you with boobies.

Random Thought: People who are Titans fans only because Vince Young was drafted by the Titans should all be stabbed in the face.  You root for a draft pick bust and get rewarded with the second-best team in the NFL right now?  Fuck you to death, asshole.

Scout. It was nice of the Plain Dealer to write up a real scouting report and not mention Sage sucking, us sucking generally on the road, or any of the myriad other flaws they could have found.  Hey, Antwaun Molden went to a local high school!  Huzzah!

Finally. More cheerleaders!

Kickoff - “Jared Allen, Travis Johnson, and low hits” Edition

Nov 6, 2008 Albert Haynesworth can go to Hell, Anger, Fuck Jared Allen, God hates ugly, H/T Eric, High Motor must be a euphemism for White, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit

Jared Allen responds to Kubiak’s (correct) claim that Allen is a cheap-shot artist.  I respond to Jared Allen’s response.  Because fuck him, that’s why.

Wednesday, Allen said: “I don’t care. I don’t even know who the hell [Kubiak] is.

Right.  When asked “what do you think of Texans’ coach Gary Kubiak’s comments,” this is your response?  So, out of the gate, we’ve established that you are either a liar, a retard, or both.  Awesomeness.

So I don’t care. I’m worried about what coach [Brad] Childress thinks of me and what my peers in this league think of me.”

“And, to a lesser extent, what the nice officers who give me my field sobriety tests think of me.  I also used to care what my mom thought of me, but then she got on to me about drinking and decided to try and run her down with my car.  We don’t speak much these days.  Wait…what was the question?”

Television replays show Allen hitting Schaub below the knee and from behind, but Allen said it was neither intentional nor late.

I accidentally fling my shoulder in the back of someone’s knee ALL THE TIME.  I know exactly what he means; that shit was accidental.

He said he spoke to Schaub after the game and was aware of no hard feelings.

“People can say what they want,” Allen said.

OK, then I say you are a cockeating asstaster with no soul and a cheap and dirty player to boot.  I also say that I would pay $50 to watch you get sodomized by a syphilitic boar.

“I’m not a dirty player. My reputation speaks for itself.

You really wanna go there?

I talked to Schaub after the game. I said, ‘Hey man, how is your knee?’

So then you WERE aware that your hit was the cause of his injury, despite his staying in the game for a while thereafter?  Sounds to me like you knew such a hit could cause an injury then, Jared.  You fucking cunt.

We’re competitors.

“And since I got blocked out of the play, I decided to compete by flinging my body into his most vulnerable joint.  I’m a warrior goddamnit!”

He’s got the ball in his hand.

Actually, no he didn’t.  He’d already thrown it.  Which is why he had stopped rolling out after the little hop and why both feet were firmly on the ground.

I’m trying to take down the quarterback.

“EVEN AFTER THE PLAY IS OVER BECAUSE I AM A ‘HIGH MOTOR’ GUY AND THAT’S HOW I ROLL!”

I wouldn’t do anything intentionally to hurt people. If the coach wants to spout off that I’m a dirty player because they lost the game, well, whatever.”

What if he wants to spout off that you are a dirty player because you are a dirty player?  I mean, in addition to the late, cheap hit that injured Schaub, you were pretty blatantly trying to hit him low prior to that play as well.  Was that an accident, too?

***

So, all that dumb shit aside, here’s the part about all of this that is really bugging me.  Last season, Travis Johnson was castigated by the Dolphins and the media for yelling at Trent Green after Green threw his brain in front of Travis’ knee and knocked himself unconscious.  Somehow, because he yelled (in anger, not taunting), Johnson was the bad guy and was a dirty player.  But here, Allen dives into a QB’s knee after the play is over, blatantly trying to hurt the guy, after doing the SAME THING earlier in the game, and half the media and fans are rushing to Allen’s side about how he’s just “a hardnosed player” with “a high motor” and  he “didn’t do anything wrong.”  How does this make any sense?  Had he gotten up and done his sack dance afterward—the worst sack celebration in the league, by the way—would he have been the bad guy then?

I loathe the race card on most occasions, but I’m going to pull it here.  This shit is racial.  If Albert Haynesworth or, better example, Leonard Little did that exact same move, Peter King and the rest of the baby-raping MSM would be talking about how dirty the hit was and how the league should fine him and possibly suspend him.  Here?  Nothing.  Even ESPN’s Paul Kuharsky wrote to Eric that:

It’s not getting more press from [Kuharsky] because I don’t find it outrageous.

By the letter of the law, the hit that I’ve seen in super slow mo is illegal and I expect he’ll be fined. I’ve made my calls to find out if he is. I’d typically learn about it Friday and I expect I’ll chime in on it then.

Still, I think it’s a defender instinctively doing what he had to to get to the QB and not pausing to consider where exactly he’d be hitting him…

Or even stopping to consider WHETHER he should hit him.

You know, if Allen had made any effort whatsoever that would suggest he was actually trying to tackle Schaub—put his hands up, try to wrap up his feet, whatever—I might buy the “he thought the play was still going” argument.  But, when you dive into the QB’s knee with your head TWICE in the span of about five minutes, whether the play is ongoing becomes irrelevant.  You are simply trying to hurt that guy.  And that, by definition, makes you a cheap and dirty player.  So fuck you, Jared Allen.  Fuck you right in the ear. I literally hope you die.

This shit is between you, me, and Mr. Soon-To-Be-Livin’-The-Rest-Of-His-Short-Ass-Life-In-Agonizing-Pain Rapist here.

Oct 8, 2008 2008 Season, Anger, Awfulness, Colts Shmolts, Disturbing (yet accurate) Metaphors, Pulp Fiction, Rosie Rosenfels

I spent Sunday nursing what was either a flu bug, the mother of all hangovers, or a combination of the two.  Which meant that I didn’t even bother to open my eyes until the alarm clock went off at 11:30 AM.  I turned to the appropriate Sunday Ticket channel just in time to see Sage Rosenfels warming up spliced with shots of Matt Schaub standing on the sideline, looking dejected.

“The fuck?” I thought.  Thankfully, a Gumbel was on hand to tell me that, yes, Sage was starting because Matt was battling an “intestinal infection,” which we all know is a euphemism for “the shits.”  (As an aside, is there a better excuse for skipping work than “I have diarrhea?”  It’s common enough that no one doubts you and it’s vile enough that no one wants details or even wants you to come to work.  But I digress.)

You know the story by now, of course.  The Colts scored early.  Then, for roughly 50 minutes of game time, we dominated the dogshit out of them.  Judging by the Colts’ collective reactions on the sidelines, they were a ball-gagged Marsellus Wallace and we were Zed.  Hell, if you listened carefully, you could actually hear The Revels’ “Comanche” playing in the background as Super Steve Slaton notched his second TD of the day.

Little did we know that the role of Butch Coolidge was to be played by none other than Sage fucking Rosenfels.

Lest ye think I am torturing this metaphor a little too much, consider:

**Butch gets free, knocks out the gimp, and things begin unraveling for Zed even though he has no idea at the time.  This is right when Sage gets free and starts pointing out blocks as if he were Steve Young.

**Butch decides against saving himself and, instead, picks a weapon to go rescue Marsellus.  This is Sage forgoing the “save yourself” route of sliding and, instead, going into helicopter mode.  (Bonus metaphor goodness:  Butch used a sword, Helicopters have blades!  Yay, me!)

**Butch goes into the rape-a-torium, surprises Maynard, and kills him.  You immediately see abject fear in Zed’s eyes.  Obviously, this is Sage’s fumble and Gary Brackett’s return.  The fear in Zed’s eyes was mirrored on the Texans’ sideline as well as on the face of every Texans fan.

**Butch taunts Zed with the sword, daring him to reach for his pistol and looking for an opening to kill him.  On the Texans’ next possession, Sage rolls to his left again, dangling the ball in his right hand and gesticulating wildly with his left.

**Marsellus tells Butch to step aside, racks the shotgun in slow motion.  Sage is tracked down from behind and has the ball stripped by Robert Mathis.

**Marsellus blows Zed’s dick off.  Manning to Reggie Wayne over the unturned head of Jacques Reeves.

**When Butch asks “what now,” while still holding a weapon, Marsellus replies: “What now? Let me tell you what now. I’ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin’ niggers who’ll go to work on the holmes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin’, hillbilly boy!? I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’ma get medieval on your ass.”  Sage asks what now, throws a final INT, and leaves us to be tortured with the football equivalent of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch—the victory kneel-down in a close game.

And there ya have it.

I’m not totally sure what the lesson is in all of this, since Butch gets away and gets a new motorcycle chopper out of the deal, but I know this:  If Matt Schaub had played the role of Butch, we probably don’t get our collective dick blown off.  I’m just sayin’.

Ambien-laced thoughts from socctty

Oct 1, 2008 2008 Season, Anger, Curious Coaching, Drugs, Teams that aren't the Texans

Don’t ever, ever go to an Oktoberfest for 6 hours and then come home and take a full dose of Ambien. You will end up scaring your girlfriend while you talk to your clothes and accuse them of hiding little people.

That said, let’s take a half-dose of ambien and some Benadryl and watch some clips from NFL.com.

1) Al Davis rants about Lane Kiffin. It’s pretty neat; makes you think that all those leaked media reports from the Raiders before Kiffin got fired were sourced exclusively by… Kiffin! Maybe Lane Kiffin is a douche-bag. Scope Al Davis though around the 11-minute mark. He dimes out Monte Kiffin for expressing interest in the Raiders’ defensive co-ordinator job. Not cool, Al Davis! Fire his son all you want, but don’t embarass a guy and risk that guy’s job because he wanted to work for you.

2) Yes, it’s the Jaguars’ fake punt formation again. I wasn’t digging the “Let’s Fire Marciano also” thing much, but it gains some traction with me every time I watch this video. It was about the third time through hearing it that I thought, “wait a second, that’s a 41-yard run.”

That means that Jacksonville was on OUR 41 yard line. Teams are always going to consider faking it on fourth down whenever they are past the 50-yard line. I don’t think this is something that we’ve been pissed off enough about. Yes, it’s been mentioned that the play sucked, but you would think that it was something like them punting from their own 30. But that’s not what happened! They were in our territory, it was perfectly valid for them to go for it there! It wasn’t even a crazy call! I still can’t believe no one called time-out. No player or coach. Really, really poor. It was as if no one had considered that maybe, just maybe, this guy that they play twice a year that has an affinity for trick plays would go for it given the field position.

But seriously, Ambien is good shit. It’s the closest thing to religion I know.

Urge to kill…rising.

Aug 19, 2008 Anger, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fuck, His name is Earl, Logo by Chris, Righteous Indignation, Teams that aren't the Texans

In a move that is likely to make stacy’s head explode, BE-SF fans voted Earl Campbell their greatest player ever.

Now, say what you will about how they kept the Oilers name/records/etc. Once you CHANGE NAMES in a NEW STATE, all bets are off as far as holding on to the past. You can keep the Oilers as part of your franchise timeline, but you CANNOT lump Earl in as the greatest Titan ever…BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER A TITAN. To claim otherwise makes you an absolute fuckrag. No one likes a fuckrag, man.

To those who will say “but it was for the greatest Oiler/Titan ever,” I call bullshit.  The team (or, more accurately, it’s sodomite owner) wanted out of Houston.  Fine.  And, honestly, had they remained the Oilers this whole time, even the choosing of Earl Campbell would be justified, if slightly dirty.  But they didn’t.  They shitcanned the city of Houston, then punted the team name a short time later—basically, they started fresh without having to waste years as an expansion team. And, in doing so, they offended 95% of the Oilers fanbase.

Was Earl Campbell the greatest Oiler ever?  Of course.  Was he the greatest player ever owned by Bud Adams?  Of course.  Did he have a single goddamned thing to do with the state of Tennessee or the Titans?  Nope.  And I bet he’s happy about that.

Besides, to hear some of you BE-SF fans tell it, shouldn’t Vince Young have won this vote hands down?

Chris Palmer, unfiltered

Aug 15, 2008 Anger, Rendhel and Sid, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

Just for fun, some quotes about Zoolander from Giants camp. (h/t Rendhel)

QB coach Chris Palmer had a few interesting thoughts on QB David Carr today:
*On his happy feet: “He’s a talented young man, he’s very athletic, he runs very well, he has a strong arm. But he’s just got to settle down in the pocket.”

Translation: He looks like a QB, but he’s dancing around and getting all skittish even in camp, where he should know he can’t get hit. The fuck is wrong with this dude? Christ, why me? I thought I’d escaped this sonofafuck already. Why does God hate me? Why?!?

*On his mind: “Like a lot of young guys, they lose their confidence and how fast can you come back from that? I think he’s starting to have a little success, he’s starting to understand what Tom wants from the quarterback position. If we can keep him in rhythm, keep him balances and not in a hurry to flush from the pocket, he’ll be fine.”

Translation: He’s one of those weak-willed douchebags we used to kick the shit out of in high school. At least he didn’t curl up and die like a botched D-and-C today; that’s success, right? Maybe we can get him to do a regular five-step drop tomorrow and, if I am really lucky, he’ll actually stand in and deliver a throw instead of running away, screaming.  Yep…that’d be awesome.  At least that’s what I will tell myself as I lie awake in bed tonight. Why did we cut Jared Lorenzen again? [weeps]

*On his low arm angle, which has been an issue since he was drafted: “It’s a little bit lower than it was (when Palmer was the Texans’ offensive coordinator). We talk about that all the time. He’s got a very quick release, he’s got a strong arm. He’s getting in a stage in his life when he’s going to start hurting his elbow or start hurting his shoulder if he doesn’t become more mechanically sound. But he’s got pretty good whip as far as throwing the ball. He’s got such a strong arm, he has so much torque in his body that he gets it out there, but at some point that torque is going to tighten up on him and he’s going to have trouble with his shoulder and his elbow.”

Translation: Wait…what the fuck?!? This guy couldn’t quarterback a pop warner team and you are asking me about his goddamned arm angle?!? Jesus Christ, that’s like standing at Auschwitz and asking about Hitler’s mustache. There are much bigger problems than his fucking motion. [contemplates suicide]

*On why he started dropping his arm: “Because you get away from your mechanics. If you’re a golfer, why do you hit a ball on the driving range and then go out on the course and it doesn’t do the same thing? You just have to continue to work on it, you have to put things in front of him and make him throw over. You can do those things to get him back in stride.”

Translation: I am this close to killing everyone in this room.  I shit you not.  I will murder each and every one of you.  “Dropping arm.”  The fucking nerve you have.  I AM AN NFL COACH; I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS!!!

How ’bout a nice glass of shut the hell up?

Aug 3, 2008 Andre Johnson, Anger, Righteous Indignation, Rumors, Weak-ass arguments, What the fuck?

OK…time to bust out the old Righteous Indignation Machine.

First, it was the interviewer in this chat with Tim suggesting that ‘Dre was frustrating to fantasy owners (at least in part) because he was so injury-prone. (Side note: Tim continues to impress me in these, mainly because he always seems so much more knowledgeable than the host and winds up carrying the interview.)  Then it was shithead supreme Mike Florio who wrote:

The Texans need a healthy Johnson (heh-heh, heh) in 2008.  Regardless of whether the latest injury is serious, it’s hard not to wonder whether Johnson has become more than a little fragile as his career enters what should be its prime.

That’s dumb, but it’s not even the dumbest thing on the page, as that honor goes to the mouth-breathing dumbfuck who left the first comment to Florio’s post:

Surprise, surprise! Andre Johnson has an injury! Has this guy made it through an entire an NFL season in his entire career?

Righteous Indignation Machine…engage.

Plain and simple, if you think Andre Johnson is “fragile” or “injury prone” or “always hurt,” you are a goddamned retard.  Prior to last season, ‘Dre had ONE YEAR WHERE HE MISSED EVEN A SINGLE GAME.  That was 2005, when a calf injury forced him out of a game early and caused him to miss the next three.  Other than that, Johnson had played every single game…and played really fucking well.

Yes, he was hurt last year.  (And, yes, I am still kind of bitter at Kubiak about it, as there was absolutely no reason for Johnson to even be in the game at that point.)  And, yes, there’s a chance that this groin tweak is somehow related to the rehabilitation of the knee injury.  But one serious injury in five years of football does not make someone fragile.

Compare:

Andre Johnson

Steve Smith

Plaxico Burress

Larry Fitzgerald

Terrell Owens

Need I continue? For a little clarification, for the list above, other than Steve Smith (who I included because people constantly talk about how tough he is), I tried to stick with receivers who were similar in size and or playing style to Andre Johnson.  I’m pretty sure I could plug most any #1 WR into this post, though, and have similar results.

So what the fuck gives?  The guy is every bit as durable as the WRs who get lauded for their toughness and/or for being “gamers.”  He’s had one small injury and one big injury in five years, despite being one of the most targeted WRs in the game and despite being one of the more active WRs when it comes to downfield blocking.  He’s been hung out to dry by his QBs (especially the since-departed pillow biter) more often than just about anyone, yet he takes hits, rarely runs out of bounds, is not afraid to go over the middle, and almost never gets hurt.

One injury does not make someone injury prone.  People like Florio who say otherwise deserve to be faceraped.

Righteous Indignation Machine…disengage.

Matt and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day¹

Jul 31, 2008 Anger, Anna-Megan is retarded, Dancing With the 'Tards, Fuck, Ranting

A number of reasons, both Texans- and non-Texans-related, have left me in an incredibly foul mood this afternoon. In the spirit of my disposition, here’s a list of people who need to shut the fuck up.

Jason McIntyre / The Big Lead. Every time you write anything about the NFL, I have this overwhelming urge to throw up all over my computer. Seriously. Your football analysis makes Merrill Hoge sound like Vince Lombardi. The Texans rank 20th in your power rankings, behind the Bucs and the Cardinals and the Bills? Really? You say you base it on “their roster” and “their history,” but I call bullshit. Your football knowledge can be summed up as “this is what ESPN told me to think six months ago.” If you’ll buy a bullet, I’ll loan you a gun so you can just end it and save us all the pain.

Paul Schwartz / NY Post. BFD is going to handle this one later, but, for now, suffice it to say that the only “mercy” that came from Carr’s release was granted TO us, not BY us.  Oh, and fuck you, you ignorant cocksucker.

Anna-Megan Raley.  This week’s topic: Why do you love Mario Williams?  Next week: Why I love to blow football players.

The Kid at Sonic with his employee visor upside-down and backward.  Every day, your father wishes he’d pulled out.  Also, your father probably isn’t who you think it is.

Houston Chronicle.  Brandon Harrison.  Brandon Mitchell.  What, do all Brandons look alike to you, you name-ist dickholes?  Here’s an idea—since no one expects you to have any sort of hot, breaking news, take your fucking time and at least try to get the names right and, maybe, give us a nugget that the AP won’t.  Fuck.

¹ Most little kid books suck. The inspiration for this post title does not.

The World’s Largest Forehead Will Be Ready On Sunday!

Jul 18, 2008 Anger, Awfulness, Please let the season start soon, Self-Referential Stuff, Teams that aren't the Texans

Back when I still had Comcast cable—before the tornado made my trees go bye-bye and allowed me a better view of the Southern sky–I did a post about how Comcast was trying to piss me off.

It seems DirecTV has decided to one-up them.

I called today to order my Sunday Ticket (plus SuperFan) package and, when I was placed on hold, whose voice should come on the line but Peyton fucking Manning?!?  That’s right—I had to listen to that inbred, Chesney-blowing assmaster give me a three minute spiel about how “aww shucks, I’m gonna be ready on Sunday, will you be?”

Son. Of. A. Bitch.  What could I do?  I had to order the package, so I waited and tried to ignore him.  And I’m pretty sure I confused the operator when she came back on the line and I said “that person who was just talking to me was very, very insulting.”

Top 5 Worst Decisions By Texans Brass

Jun 20, 2008 2002 Draft, 2004 Draft, Anger, Awfulness, Bad Idea Jeans, Sandy Vag, Top 5, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts

As we continue channeling my inner Rob Gordon, we turn to another not-so-pleasant list of memories: the top 5 all-time front office fuck-ups.  I promise to move on to something positive at some point, but that ain’t today, bitches.
(H/T to Dave for the topic idea.)

5. Signing Todd Wade. In 2004, we gave this turd a 6-year, $30MM contract with $10MM signing bonus.  Over the next two seasons, he received just over $12MM in salary and bonuses.  In that same timeframe, he contributed roughly $48 worth of actual quality gameplay.

4. Refusing to employ a 3-4 NT in a 3-4 Defense.  You know, I liked Seth Payne.  You probably liked Seth Payne.  Seth Payne was a seemingly nice dude and he worked his ass off.  In a 4-3, defense, that kind of attitude and work ethic might have paid big dividends.  In a 3-4, when you are only 303 lbs, that kind of effort is necessary to stay afloat.  Sam Adams, Casey Hampton, Jamal Williams–these are 3-4 NTs.  Seth Payne was not, yet we never ever got one, despite running that D for 4+ years. I hate you Dom Capers.

3. Trading back to take Travis Johnson over Derrick Johnson.  Man…just…I mean…FUCK.  Derrick Johnson was the dude I wanted most in that draft, he was sitting RIGHT THERE, and we decide to say, “nah, fuck it, let’s take this other Johnson.”  Great.  And then that Other Johnson turns out to be a retard dickhead who hasn’t lived up to his potential at all.  AWESOME.  HAPPY DAYS.  I’M MOVING ON BEFORE SOMEONE DIES.

2. The David Carr Experience.  I had about three different, Carr-specific decisions for this list, but I figured I’d just lump them together and give him the penultimate place on this list.  Let’s see–passing over Julius Peppers–who was an obvious monster–to take a Fresno State pretty boy with a meddling daddy?  Letting him “play” for five seasons, despite a mountain of evidence piling up that he was either too shell-shocked or too shitty to play the position?  Watching him seem oblivious to his own shittiness and grin like a retard even after losses?  Keeping him around for an additional $8MM roster bonus as some sort of reclamation project for Kubiak?  Wow, Dave.  Thanks for the memories.  May you burn in hell.

1. Trading for Phillip Buchanon.  On the surface, for a moment or three, this seemed like a decent move by the Texans.  I mean, the pricetag was high (a 2d and a 3d), but Buchanon had shown the ability to be a top-flight corner, and now we had him.  Of course, any love and admiration for P.Buch evaporated like a wet fart in August once he took the field and displayed a complete inability to tackle anyone.  At all.  Ever.  I still have nightmares of his attempted “tackle” against Pittsburgh.

Also receiving votes: The continued employment of Petey Faggins, the cost of Jason Babin, throwing multiyear money at Ahman Green, and 94% of the other decisions made by Casserly/Capers

Duane Brown: BFD’s First Take

Apr 26, 2008 2008 Draft, Alex Gibbs, Anger, You'd like to think I was joking

First take: Seriously?

Second take: No, you can’t be fucking serious.

Third take: Seriously?

4th-Nth takes: See third take above.

Yes, it’s like that.

Look, I recognize that he “fills a need.”  But as somebody who could’ve been drafted 20 picks later, who cares.  Ya see, Brown is what we call “a reach.”  A “reach-around” is almost good.  Hell, depending on the pitcher and the money involved, I’d be down with that.  A “reach” is ***not*** good.  Not in the least.

The draft is about maximizing talent and maximizing what your team needs.  Yes, we need a LT - and the problem, after reading his fucking scouting report, is that we still do - but we could’ve traded this pick, gotten more schwag (a la our 18th), and still been happy.

Duane Brown as a Texan?  Not a bad idea.  Duane Brown as the 26th pick of the 2008 NFL draft?  Fuck.

Get the point?

Truly, I am not trying to be angry with the pick.  If the Cards hadn’t dicked us by taking our beloved DRC, then all would’ve been good (props to whomever reminded us of this misjustice).  But that didn’t happen.

Reaching is simply a different way to say that we did not maximize our pick @ 26.  The last time Alex Gibbs “drafted” an OL was when he took George Foster out of Georgia…the same dude who got traded to Detroit for buffet costs.  I don’t understand why we didn’t give Gibbs a chance to work with what we already had, especially if we were trying to sell Barbaro has healthy.

Let me end this rambling, drunken post with one, single word:

Reach.

Mormons

Apr 22, 2008 Anger, Fuck, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Mormons, Non-Texan stuff

I am going to take a short break from posting about football to throw this out there:

FUCK THE UTAH JAZZ, FUCK ANDRE KIRILENKO RIGHT IN HIS FLOPPING, EURO-DOUCHEBAG MOUTH, AND FUCK THE ENTIRE STATE OF UTAH. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.

Little Dickie Justice, age 12, still doesn’t get it

Apr 10, 2008 2006 Draft, Anger, Broken Record, Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Little Dickie Justice, Reggie Bush, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Vinsanity, age 12

Promoted from our boards, the awesomest thing ever on the internetz. Evar.

According to kozanack, who gets today’s award for raising my blood pressure, Little Dickie Justice was on the radio yesterday and…well, I’ll let koz tell his own story:

I was driving along today, channel surfing on my car radio, and sort of half way paying attention to the blather. Suddenly I realized the host (Justice) was trashing the Texans because they had the opportunity to increase the level of interest in pro football with the casual fan here in Houston, but screwed the pooch. He followed that by saying that Drayton and Les Alexander had confided in him that the Texans would be on top of the sports world here in Houston in only they had taken Vince or even Reggie instead of Mario. Then he went on to say one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.

He said that even though last year Mario clearly outperformed both Reggie and Vince, Vince was the right pick at the time, and the Texans blew it. He went on to say that even if Mario turns out to the best decision in the long term, Vince was the right choice at the time, so the Texans blew it. Basically, even if Vince bombs, anyone other than Vince was the wrong choice, especially Mario.

I think the first thing we should all be is thankful that Justice does not have any actual influence on our football decision-makers.

Matt and I have lamented before on Little Dickie Justice’s obvious homo-erotic man-crush on VY, not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that. Just because I think Maria Sharpova is gorgeous does not de facto mean that she’s the best tennis player in the world. But that seems to be about 51% of Justice’s argument (Maria, call me!).

The other 49% seems to be, and this is more speculation than anything, that because Vince is a hometown hero, he would be better from a marketing standpoint. Now, of course, this completely discredits whatever Reggie Bush argument he might have, but I’m trying to pry open a walnut-sized mind here, so give me a break.

Back to Vince. Drafting Vince would’ve been, specifically, a marketing ploy. This means that this second half of Justice’s argument is that marketing is much more important than winning. Now, I could go back and do a regression analysis of the relation between winning and attendance, but as fans, we don’t need that analysis. We already know better: winning teams put fannies in seats. Period.

Could you imagine an offense with 2 INT to 1 TD Young? Heck, let’s say we drafted both Young and Bush and his awesome 3.7 YPC and complete inability to run between the tackles (a kinda necessity in a zone blocking scheme, donchaknow). What would you guess for a record? 3-13? 2-14? Again, be thankful Justice isn’t in charge of these decisions.

What bothers me most, I think, is that it exposes Houston’s traditional print media as a bunch of moronic crybabies who are still pouting three years later that they didn’t get their way. As I’ve said before: if I was wrong every day of my life and didn’t understand the basic concepts of my job, I would lose my job instantly.

Little Dickie: you were wrong then, you are wrong now. There’s no way you can rationalize this one to your advantage, and every time you open your mouth, you embarrass yourself. Mario > VY + Bush. The end.

And I just had to get the following on our front page, courtesy and permission of DiehardChris:

Well done, Chris.  Well done.

An Open Letter to David Carr

Mar 14, 2008 Anger, Blasphemy, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Open Letters, Ranting, Sandy Vag, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

Dear Homo,

When you lost your job first to a 44-year-old QB and then to an undrafted rookie, I assumed we were done hearing from you. I mean, any QB with any fucking sense would just go away, but I suppose “any fucking sense” is giving you way too much credit. After all, if you’d had any fucking sense, you wouldn’t have spent half a decade scrambling into opposing rushers and working “Fetal Position Blue on 3″ into the playbook, right?

What I don’t get, though, is why you feel the need to continue saying shit that makes you seem borderline retarded. Because, really, it seems like every time you get a change of scenery, you say some kind of ignorant-ass thing that makes it seem like YOU are not the cause of your own problems. Which we both know is a goddamned lie.

Here…allow me to refresh your memory. When you got signed by Carolina [Author's note: Scoreboard, bitch.], you remarked:

As far as the talent on this team, it’s something I haven’t been around. It’s fun for me, just coming out here and playing with a group, both offensively and defensively, that has (so) much skill. […] If you’re not having fun, it’s going to be like what I had the last couple of years where you almost don’t even want to come to work.

How’d all that “talent” and “skill” work out for you, cockmouth? Oh…wait…that’s right.

Anyway, like I said, I thought we were officially done with you after you lost your job twice and posted a stellar 58.3 rating. At worst, I assumed you’d sign somewhere and quietly collect a paycheck from the sidelines, lest ye really make an ass of yourself. “No way,” I thought, “will he try to claim that his failures were due to BOTH of his teams not being good.”

I guess I underestimated your competitiveness douchebaggedness. How else do you explain this:

I have a lot of calluses, Carr said. I’m like an old carpenter[;] I’ve been through it. If you let that stuff affect you, you’re not going to be able to do your job. One of the reasons I’m excited about coming here is they protect the quarterback well and they have playmakers on the outside.

“Playmakers,” huh? Seriously? Have you taken so many dicks to the throat hits to the skull that you’ve forgotten about Andre Johnson catching 103 balls in 2006 and generally keeping you from looking even worse than you already did? Or about Steve Smith having success with every QB in Carolina last year except for you? Or abou– Hold up! Are you really saying that Plaxico Burress is better than Andre Johnson and Steve Smith? Fuck you, dude.

I know you are probably thinking this is just sour grapes on my part. That’s what asshole losers like you tend to claim when someone points out what an asshole loser you are. But it’s not sour grapes–we are well past that point. No, this is a genuine, unfettered missive of hatred. I went from just being glad you were gone to enjoying watching you fail to sincerely hating you with every fiber of my being, all in less than a year. I only take solace in the fact that pretty much everyone other than you, your wife, and your dad realize how much you fucking suck and, therefore, no one takes your comments to be much more than the insipid drivel they are.

I’ve got $10 that says you don’t see the field next year.

Yours in Christ,
Matt

P.S. I hope you have to watch your mother get sodomized by a pit bull. Twice.

Ladies and gentleman, meet my new Petey Faggins

Mar 1, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Anger, Beer, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Faggination, Fuck, Fuck the Cowboys, You remind me of ____, You'd like to think I was joking

According to Pancakes, the Texans have signed the execrable Jacques Reeves. My favorite line of the article:

At 5-11, 188 pounds, the 25-year-old Reeves is the veteran cornerback the Texans targeted.

W.T.F? Are you kidding me? Well, at least he adds this:

They’re still going to draft a cornerback, maybe two, and they might sign another veteran.

Ya think? And if Reeves really was that key veteran CB, why would we need to go out and sign another half dozen players?

I went to see what Tim had to say, and that guy could make lemonade out of a gallon of goat piss. Alas, I am not similarly gifted. I’m more the guy who sits on his porch and throws rakes at squirrels, yelling “Get off my lawn!” Kids, of course, get ice picks.

Because I get this perverse enjoyment from watching the Cowboys suck, I openly rooted for teams to throw against Reeves as he reminded me of DGDB&D Hall of Famer Petey Faggins. This was, and will be, a poor signing, and I feel like we have to take a CB with #18 in order to simply keep Reeves off the field. I just don’t think we have a choice now. But, luckily, our new Texan who’ll resemble a Molotov cocktail will cost only $4MM/year.

Where’s my rubbing alcohol? I could really use a drink.

I got yer Pro Bowl right here.

Feb 11, 2008 Anger, Bloggerating, Fluff, Inanity, Non-Texan stuff

Those of you tuning in this morning to read a pithy recap of the Pro Bowl will be disappointed. Not because I won’t be a smartass, but, rather, because I boycotted the game due to the egregious injustice that was the absence of Mario Williams.

In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted that I generally only watch about the first 20 minutes of the game anyway. Who the hell wants to see people NOT hit Tony Romo as hard as they possibly can? Certainly not I.

But, anyway…I refused to watch any of it yesterday. I’m sure the NFL is reeling from this loss. In lieu of Pro Bowl coverage, however, I present to you:

A Random Number Of Links That Have Dick To Do With Anything!

1. ***In news that I am sure all of you support (or at least any of you that I like), “Stupid beer laws” are going away around the country. Of course, there is still no sign that Arkansas is going to repeal the uber-ignorant Sunday sales ban that plagues me every weekend, again proving that this state hates me.
2. ***Speaking of the state that time forgot, it appears that there is LEPROSY in Northwest Arkansas. Now, the Department of Health says it is not an “outbreak,” as only nine people are infected, but still…LEPROSY? Seriously? I didn’t even think that existed anywhere in the U.S. Outside of Anna-Megan’s pants, of course.
3. ***The Dream Shake (aka The Only Blog Solely Dedicated To The Rockets That Is Worth Reading) thinks Stern picked Rasheed Wallace for the NBA All-Star game out of spite. I love this theory, if only because that is the type of shit I like to do as a parent. It’s good for the kids. And for ‘Sheed.
4. ***Official invite list for the 2008 Combine. I still say one of the events should be sending the guys to a strip club with $10,000 in ones.
5. ***The other day, BFD and I were invited to join a bigger website as football contributors. We considered it briefly, until we saw this caveat: “All submissions must comply to accepted decency standards. No obscenities, inflammatory or slanderous statements, or abusive comments will be tolerated and are grounds for immediate withdrawal of content, as well as withdrawal of writing/podcasting privileges, without reimbursement.” Umm…yeah…fuck that shit.

The Vapidity of the Chron…Again

Feb 9, 2008 Alex Gibbs, Anger, Awfulness, Dancing With the 'Tards, I really dig my readers

Eric sent me a little video today (and thanks!) starring two of DGDB&D’s favorite people: Pancakes McClain and Anna-Megan, whom Matt hates cuz she dumped his ass at his 7th grade Spring Dance. Anyway, guaranteed to make you 125% more dumb, here is the video. Go ahead, watch it, I dare you.

Done? Now look inside your underwear to remember your name. 1Tex, your name isn’t Tuesday, but close enough. You are reading a blog. Back with me? Sure? OK, back to the action.

What did you gain from this video? Anything? Personally, I learned nothing new regarding football. I did learn that Pancakes talks to a lot of people whom he believes to be very important, but they don’t actually tell him anything of substance. The whole thing was a one-man circle jerk starring Pancakes’ delicate ego. It was pitiful at best and a cry for help that someone tell him he’s really important at worst.

For someone who is supposedly an omnipotent insider who knows so much more than those nasty bloggers, he doesn’t know shit. And that’s for a reason. Do you think Smith or Kubiak or anybody will actually tell him something concrete? Hell no. At least here, we take the time to break down the possibilities and to try to be a step-ahead in the game. Pancakes is a stenographer with a press pass. Whenever he tries to tell you how important he is, think about the 5:22 of your life you just wasted watching him fluff himself in the video.

An Open Letter to Bill Simmons, From My Giants-Fan Buddy, Rendhel

Feb 4, 2008 Anger, Cooper Manning gently weeps, Curious Coaching, Fuck the Cowboys, National Media, Open Letters, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Tremendous Busts, Winner winner chicken dinner

How Dare You?

After a year of reading nothing but Patriots/Brady fellating from you, you have the audacity to write THAT as your post-Superbowl column? Where’s the mea culpa on Eli? Where’s the “sky is falling” commentary? Where’s the acknowledgment that the Giants literally beat the crap out of the Patriots?

Don’t write about how we got all the lucky bounces (false), how your offense just didn’t show up (only partially true), how the coaching staff didn’t call the game aggressively (untrue–how about going for it on 4th and 12? How about the fact that we shut you down on 3rd and short all game? How about the fact that you couldn’t block us?) Where’s the acknowledgment that we made Brady look not only human, but average? Where are the questions about why the perfect Tom Brady didn’t audible to max protect sets or 3 step drops once he realized they couldn’t contain our rush? Where’s the reminder to sports fans everywhere that October is NOT January (or February for that matter) and that there’s no substitute for playing tough hard nosed football in the playoffs? You used to know that. It’s how the Pats won their first three titles.

My Giants just punched Brady, Belichick and Rodney Harrison right in the face and reminded them that this is a man’s game. Take that fancy, all-throwing, non-physical ballet you called your offense and shove it up Beantown’s collective ass. The Patsies just joined the Karl Malone Lakers as the biggest poser teams to ever sell their souls for a championship and come up short. It’s the sports equivalent of cheating on your wife for the first time by renting a high-priced hooker only to find out that she’s got an 8-inch Johnson when you get her home. How’s it taste? The Giants are wicked awesome! Masshole.

NFL to Mario Williams: Fuck you.

Jan 24, 2008 2007 Season, Anger, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Pro Bowl 2008, Righteous Indignation, Super Mario, Too soon?

With Jason Taylor injured and skipping out on the Pro Bowl, it seemed as if the gross injustice of Mario Williams being left off the roster was about to rectified. Just like it once seemed that Heath Ledger had a long, distinguished career ahead of him.

Instead, the powers that be have decided that Aaron Schobel will replace Taylor, leaving Mario still on the outside looking in. I will give someone a bright, shiny quarter if he or she can explain to me how Schobel’s 6.5 sack, 95 tackle season makes him a more deserving Pro Bowler than Mario Williams. There’s an extra quarter in it if you can explain it without using “because Schobel went down on Roger Goodell and swallowed.”

The All-Pro Roster is a tale told by an idiot — full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Jan 9, 2008 2007 Season, Anger, DeMeco Ryans, Douchebag Tom, Posts that list too many players, Righteous Indignation, Super Mario

Well, ain’t this about a bitch? It seems that the NFL All-Pro First Team features nary a Texan. Not one. At defensive end, the All-Pro roster has Jared Allen and Patrick Kerney. A sane person could make a case for those guys over Mario, though I would certainly argue that Mario was more dominant than Kerney from play to play. Whatever.

The real injustice, however, comes at the linebacker position. Rather than take uberstud DeMeco Ryans, the All-Pro roster features Mike Vrabel, DeMarcus Ware, Lofa Tatupu, and Patrick Willis.

Seriously?

I mean seriously seriously?

Look…everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but if you honestly think Mike Vrabel had a better season than DeMeco Ryans, you are no longer entitled to offer your opinion without first prefacing it with “I’m a fucking idiot, but I think….”¹

This is the dumbest shit since Microsoft Bob.

¹ Or you could just wear a nametag that says “Tom.” It’s the same thing, really.