Matt and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day1
Jul 31, 2008 Anger, Anna-Megan is retarded, Dancing With the 'Tards, Fuck, Ranting
A number of reasons, both Texans- and non-Texans-related, have left me in an incredibly foul mood this afternoon. In the spirit of my disposition, here’s a list of people who need to shut the fuck up.
Jason McIntyre / The Big Lead. Every time you write anything about the NFL, I have this overwhelming urge to throw up all over my computer. Seriously. Your football analysis makes Merrill Hoge sound like Vince Lombardi. The Texans rank 20th in your power rankings, behind the Bucs and the Cardinals and the Bills? Really? You say you base it on “their roster” and “their history,” but I call bullshit. Your football knowledge can be summed up as “this is what ESPN told me to think six months ago.” If you’ll buy a bullet, I’ll loan you a gun so you can just end it and save us all the pain.
Paul Schwartz / NY Post. BFD is going to handle this one later, but, for now, suffice it to say that the only “mercy” that came from Carr’s release was granted TO us, not BY us. Oh, and fuck you, you ignorant cocksucker.
Anna-Megan Raley. This week’s topic: Why do you love Mario Williams? Next week: Why I love to blow football players.
The Kid at Sonic with his employee visor upside-down and backward. Every day, your father wishes he’d pulled out. Also, your father probably isn’t who you think it is.
Houston Chronicle. Brandon Harrison. Brandon Mitchell. What, do all Brandons look alike to you, you name-ist dickholes? Here’s an idea—since no one expects you to have any sort of hot, breaking news, take your fucking time and at least try to get the names right and, maybe, give us a nugget that the AP won’t. Fuck.
1 Most little kid books suck. The inspiration for this post title does not.
Kickoff
Jun 12, 2008 Anna-Megan is retarded, Bloggerating, Bob McNair, DeMeco Ryans, Football 101, Kickoff, Winstonsaurus
Your balls are shaped funny. As the U.S. Open kicks off today, you might notice one duffer, Bobby Collins, with a Texans logo on his hat and bag. That’s the kind of thing you do when Bob McNair agrees to sponsor you in the Gateway tour, brining you back from the verge of early retirement. Hey, maybe he’d like to sponsor a couple ne’er-do-well bloggers…
Winstonsaurus smash puny baseball! Grr! Texans players hit the field at the Juice Box yesterday for the 6th annual charity homerun derby thingy. Contestants included DeMeco Ryans, Mario Williams, and Captain Tradebait, among others, but the big bat of the night belonged to Eric Winston. Three of Winston’s four homers even reached the upper deck, an area that Darin Erstad and Michael Bourn have only heard legend of.
Slut. It seems that Shake’s interest in the Texans extends beyond smart-assed comments and witty observations. Shake: From the defensive side of the ball, what specific improvements do you see in the O-line this offseason? DeMeco: Hey, ain’t you that dude who comments on those dumbass blogs? (One of those quotes might not be accurate.)
80=80. Chris has been doing a great job of breaking down some of the logistical concerns behind guessing who will make the 80-man roster. One thing that makes it so tough this year is that the 80-man roster really does mean 80 human beings. In years past, teams were allowed the use of up to 6 additional players through NFL Europa roster exemptions. Now, of course, Europa is dead, but the league has not increased the 80-man limit.
Goodbye Stranger
May 22, 2008 Anna-Megan is retarded, Dancing With the 'Tards, Fake Conversations with Real People, I had to use Google for the JR's joke I swear, Inanity, Inflamed body parts, This might have crossed a line...but so what?, Travis Johnson, Vince Young can't read this post
Game Show Host: Aaaaaand, we’re back! It’s time for the lightning round. You all know how this works; You pick a category, I ask a question and, if you get it right, I ask you another one. If you get it wrong, the next person gets a chance to answer. The first person to answer five correct wins. Travis, as the only person without a negative dollar amount following round one, you get to go first. Please choose from General Knowledge, Human Anatomy, and Authors.
Travis Johnson: General Knowledge.
Host: OK…name the first President of the United States.
Johnson: George Washington–
Host: Correct!
Johnson: Carver.
Host: Um…incorrect. Ms. Raley, your question.
Anna-Megan Raley: What?
Host: It’s your turn to answer the question.
Raley: What question?
Host: Name the first President of the United States.
Raley: Sam Houston.
Host: Ugh. No. Vince, please, who was the first president of the United States?!
Vince Young: Oh, that’s that dude on the dollar bills I put down those strippers pants at JR’s. Oh, what’s his name…um…Washington! Yeah, George Washington!
Host: Correct! Next question: In the equation 2x+4=6, what does x stand for?
Young: X? Hold up! This is a trick question, dawg. X is a letter, not a number!
Host: Good god. I mean, seriously…sweet holy Jesus. Travis?
Johnson: (dancing to music no one else hears) Word.
Host: What does X stand for?
Johnson: Shoot, I dunno…one?
Host: Wow…that’s right! OK, what is the capital of Texas?
Johnson: Ha, that’s easy, dude! The letter T!
Host: What? Oh. No. Anna-Megan?
Raley: (two octaves higher) Uh huh!
Host: Ow. What is the capital of Texas?
Raley: AUSTIN!!!!!
Host: Yes, but please calm down. You still have to answer four more to win, ok?
Raley: OK!
Host: (sighing) Jesus. In the sentence, “the dog bit the cat,” what part of speech is “dog?”
Raley: I love dogs! What color is he?!
Host: WHAT PART OF SPEECH IS THE WORD “DOG?”
Raley: The tail?
Host: (stares blankly at Anna-Megan)
(stares)
(stares)
(considers the sweet release of death)
Host: Moving on…Vince, what part of speech is “dog?”
Young: (removes shirt) A noun, dude.
Host: I honestly have no idea how you knew that, but correct!
(bell rings)
Host: Oh, we are running short on time! That means it only takes THREE correct answers to win the lightning round. Vince, if you can answer this, you will win. How many sides are there on a dodecahedron?
Young: I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout dinosaurs.
Host: (muttering) Goddamnit. Travis, dodecahedron, sides?
Johnson: It burns when I pee.
Host: (eyes fill with tears)
(stabs self in the chest with pocket knife)
(dies)
Johnson: Whoa. That’s some fucked up shit there, dude. (looks at Raley and Young) Yo, Vince, you wanna stuff this broad like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs?
Young: (rubbing nipples) Nah, dawg. You know I don’t get down like that. (realizes what he said) Um, with, uh, white women. Yeah, that’s it. Nothing to do with guys at all…no, no sir, not me. Not that, like, there’s anything wrong with that, but, you know, I ain’t, um, like that…
Johnson: Whatever. (to Raley) Yo, bitch, you ever get yo’ shit rocked by a big ol’ dude like me?
Raley: Puh-lease…how do you think I GOT my job? Let’s go back to your place and I’ll show you why they called me “Ol’ Three Hole” in college. (pauses) You’re wearing a condom though…Lord knows I don’t need another inflamed elvis.
