DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Just in case you were wondering, here are some preseason statistics for your Houston Texans.  Grains of salt optional, but recommended.

QB

Matt Schaub: 18-21 (85.7%), 10.3 YPC, 2 TD, 0 INT, 0 Sack, 141.3 rating
S. Rosenfels: 16-23 (69.6%), 10.0 YPC, 1 TD, 0 INT, 1 Sack, 116.4 rating

Analysis: Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Schaub is your QB now and for the foreseeable future.  Even without context, he has been better than Sage.  Then, once you factor in that Matt’s passes have come against mainly first-stringers and Sage’s have come against mainly second-stringers, the distinction becomes even more clear.  Schaub absolutely put on a clinic against New Orleans.  Here’s hoping he keeps it going against Dallas.

RB

Steve Slaton: 24 carries, 94 yards (3.9/carry), 1 TD, 0 fumbles
Chris Taylor: 22 carries, 53 yards (2.4/carry), 1 TD, 0 fumbles
Darius Walker: 8 carries, 29 yards (3.6/carry), 0 TD, 0 fumbles
Chris Brown:    8 carries, 19 yards (2.4/carry), 0 TD, 0 fumbles
Ahman Green:  0 anything because he’s a big ol’ mangina.

Analysis: I included the fumbles just because that was one of two knocks against Slaton.  The other was that he was too small, though, as people have noted, he seems to have added around 15 lbs of muscle to his frame since the Combine.  And, if you watched the second half of the Saints game, Slaton was the MAN.  His TD run involved slipping one tackle, then lowering his shoulder and driving for an additional two yards.  I’d like to see him named starter from the jump, but regardless, if he’s not starting by week 3, I’ll be shocked.  Also, Ahman Green and Chris Brown…ewww.

WR

D. Anderson: 9 catches, 128 yards (14.2 YPC), 1 TD
Kevin Walter: 7 catches, 105 yards (15.0 YPC), 1 TD
Andre’ Davis: 4 catches, 46 yards (11.5 YPC), 0 TD
Jacoby Jones: 2 catches, 61 yards (30.5 YPC), 0 TD

Analysis: Looking at that list, two things jump out at me:  (1) Matt Schaub’s numbers are even better when you realize he hasn’t been able to throw to Andre Johnson a single time this preseason, and (2) our passing attack has the potential to be ridiculously good this year.  When you add in AJ, you have four receivers (plus Jacoby) who all bring a little something different to the mix and who create all sorts of matchup problems for opposing coverages.  The real question is whether we run four wide more often than last year (when I believe we were 30th or 31st in the league in number of plays) and if we are more efficient in the shotgun spread formations (where we were not very good at all last season).  If Slaton gives us merely as much as Ron Dayne gave us last year—which I don’t think is asking a lot—I think the answer to both of those questions is yes.

I have a full day with the fam, so this’ll be quick.

Now, understanding that it was the first pre-season game with a lot of new faces, all grades are about a “B” no matter where they stand.  I’m simply breaking down players and groups in two divisions and would love to hear people’s opinions on the game last night.  Also, please note that the camera angles and my distance from the TV kinda sucked, and I don’t feel like I got a good look at line play.

Impressive:

Frank Okam:Had a couple of plays where he got swallowed up, but he was pushing up the gut, occasionally taking out two blockers on the way.

Zac Diles:Ran with the first teamers and was all over the ball.

Petey Faggins: Yeah, I said it.

Jamar Fletcher: Gawd-awful pass interference, but he held his tackles and made a particularly nice pick on the hail mary.  Sure, it was just a hail mary, right?  Well, he broke on the ball and nobody else moved.

Mario and DeMeco: No comment necessary.

Duane Brown and Chris Meyers: Kept Sage and Schaub upright from their assignments.  No multiple hold calls like the Broncos’ dudes.

Sage Rosenfels, Matt Schaub, and Shane Boyd: I am more and more hopeful every day on our QB play.

David Anderson: Wow!

——-

Not so impressive:

Chris Taylor: Running hard, sure, but not breaking tackles and missed a blitz assignment, nearly leading to Sage’s decapitation.

Steve Slaton: Maybe I missed it, but did he break a single tackle?

Ahman Green: Just sigh.

Jacoby Jones: That punt return was awful, though he did make a beautiful catch later on.  I’m not sure if the return means he’s getting his cockiness back, though, which would be a good thing.  He just seemed to lose confidence last year.

Morlon Greenwood and the rest of the 1st team run defense: We were used and abused on the touchdown drive.

Tim Carter:You got owned by Anderson and Jones tonight, and your hands are as delicate as a chainsaw.

That’s all I can think of, especially with my son getting pissed that I’m at the computer.  What say y’all?

Edit: I can’t believe I forgot Anthony Maddox, who was downright awful.  Did he start every play back-pedaling?  Or was he just that easy to move.

Because you can never have enough Matt in your life.  I was lucky enough to be the guest on Houston Diehards’ inaugural podcast.  Listen as I speak way too quickly—complete with nasal-y twang!—while trying to pretend like I have a clue what I am talking about. (Seriously, though, Chris did a bang-up job of leading the discussion and I could see HD’s podcasts becoming a must-listen as the season progresses.)

Wait…what? Look, mister, there’s two kinds of dumb—a guy that gets naked and runs out in the snow and barks at the moon, and a guy who does the same thing in my living room. First one don’t matter, the second one you’re kinda forced to deal with. If yesterday’s KSK comment was the latter, this article is a good example of the former.  Still, it warrants posting because, well, I’ll be damned if I can follow the logic in it.  Apparently, the Texans are an incomplete team, but the Raiders aren’t.

More Peter King stupidity.  Apparently, Peter King thinks the Texans would be interested in Chris Simms. “The reason I pointed out Houston in MMQB is the Texans have a need for a third guy behind Matt Schaub and Sage Rosenfels, plus the new offensive coordinator, Kyle Shanahan, is Simms’ buddy from their days at the University of Texas.”  We have a “need for a third guy,” Peter?  Really?  And Chris Simms would fill that need because…um…Kyle knows him?  Do me a favor…just don’t ever mention my favorite team again, ok?  Because every time you do, you say something ridiculous.

Finally. This has NOTHING to do with football or the Texans, but it is funny enough to be worth posting.  (h/t Rendhel)

Update: How much interest is there in a DGDB&D fantasy football league?  I know the BRBers are doing a pretty elaborate one, so I was thinking something smaller (12 team max) with QB, WR, WR, WR, RB, RB, TE, K, DEF, D as the positions.

Save the Date, Bitch.  It’s here!  It’s here!  It’s finally fucking here! Remember when you were a kid and the calendar would roll over to December and you’d scream “Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, Christmas vacation is almost here!!!!!” Well, the start of training camp is the same feeling, only multiplied by AWESOME.¹

Jerks. Here’s where I was going to put the Duane Brown bit, but Eric and BFD stole my thunder.  (I kid. I really dig that those two can save my ass from time to time (read: always).) Yes, that was a double parenthetical.

FYI. I think I mentioned this once before when it was still in the planning stages, but you can sign up with Sporting News to get a daily sports newsletter, and they even email you each day so you can click and go there instead of being bothered to type one of those old-fashioned URLs. It’s nothing ground-breaking, but sports is sports, ya dig?

Finally. Not to keep stealing someone else’s thing, but I found another odd jersey in public last night.  I ask you…is this retro or a visitor from the near future? (That’s a Falcons jersey. I continue to have problems surreptitiously photographing people with my phone.)

¹ That equation would be “(Jesus+Tittyfucking+Christ)*AWESOME = Start of training camp.”

I thought about avoiding this one until the very end.  Not for the sake of suspense, mind you, but because it is difficult as hell and that difficulty is totally different than choosing the least-smelly turd at each safety position.  I mean, you have two candidates who played in entirely different systems, but both of whom looked like the best defensive player on his team nearly every snap.

Damn.

Double damn.

OK…deep breath…obviously, the two candidates are:

Jamie Sharper
DeMeco Ryans

What is there to say here?  Sharper gave us 441 tackles, 11.5 sacks, 12 passes defended, and 6 forced fumbles, 1 fumble recovery, 0 INTs and a TD in three seasons.  Ryans has given us 284 tackles, 5.5 sacks, 14 passes defended, 3 forced fumbles, 4 fumble recoveries, 2 INTs, and a TD in two seasons.

I’m not going to lie; I was tempted to cheat and do two separate posts, one for ILB and one for MLB, and use the excuse that it was a different position altogether.  But that would make me a namby-pamby pussy.  So, instead, I forge ahead and choose…

umm…

DeMeco Ryans.  By a hair.

Here’s the reasoning:  Sharper was the RILB in a 3-4 that never featured a human being that could even pass for a NT, meaning that more or less every running play came right at him.  Of course, the counter-argument is that the lack of NT meant that there was more potential for an O-lineman to get to the second level and block him.  I’ll concede that, but raise you the fact that DeMeco hasn’t exactly had a murder’s row of DT talent in front of him (save for Amobi for about 12 games), and has faced a similar obstacle.  However, due to the nature of the 4-3, plays are not funneled to DeMeco as readily and he has to use his impressive sideline-to-sideline speed to make plays.  THAT is why he stands out when you watch the game–he literally is everywhere.  Sharper, while very good, did not have to do that much side-to-side work.

Add to that DeMeco’s better play in pass defense and give him one bonus point for knocking the holy goddamned fuck out of Kerry Collins and scoring his first career TD at my first live Texans game and DeMeco wins.  I expect, as time passes, the discussion won’t even be quite so tight.

Last year, I wrote the following:

Ignoring for a second that celebrating the Fourth of July as “America’s birthday” is akin to celebrating the day you were conceived instead of the day your mom actually crapped you out, I would just like to wish everyone a happy holiday.

Now go out, get drunk, and see what you can blow up. It’s the American way.

Finally, this entire post was an excuse to post this video, which will either be the funniest or the most retarded thing you’ll see this month.

All of that still seems appropriate, so here’s the video again.  And thanks to Will for reminding me about it in time to post it for the holiday.

I can’t decide which of the sacks is my favorite. The first was athletic as hell, but the one-handed third was pretty damned cool. Oh well, just sit back and enjoy.

Also, never forget, Will Demps couldn’t catch clap in a whorehouse. I mean that figuratively, of course. Literally…that’s a different tale.

I like Kris Brown as much as a guy can like a kicker, I suppose.  I mean, I have no ill will toward him or anything, so he’s got that going for him.  Which is nice.

That said, if this was real, I would gladly kill him if Shaun Suisham suddenly wanted to placekick in the Bayou City.

Jesus balls, that is amazing.  Though…really…doesn’t it kind of remind you of those Mike Vick / LeBron James PowerAde commercials?

Somehow, in the hullaballoo yesterday, I managed to forget to post this.

Anyway, courtesy of reader Vega, comes ESPN’s list of NFL players who need a strong 2008 to rebound from a shitacular 2007. Guess who’s on there.

Go ahead, guess.

Oh, but it gets better. From the article: “A scout once declared Bush a Marshall Faulk clone. He’s starting to look more like the second coming of Eric Metcalf.”

Now that’s funny. But it’s even funnier when you think about a certain song parody from last September, wherein I wrote:

Good morning NFL, how are you?
Don’t you know me I’m the chosen one,
I’m the running back they call The Next Gale Sayers,
But, I’ll be returning punts in Cleveland by the time I’m done.

(Full disclosure: Tim gets credit for the original nicknaming of Bush as “Eric Metcalf, Jr.” I just ran with it.)

I always feel lazy when I link to a BRB post, mainly because the three guys¹ churning stuff out over there are doing such a bang-up job since the draft. Solis is putting more effort into a single post than I expend most weeks over here, and it shows. For that, I feel shame.²

THAT SAID, you really do need to check out his post on Rick Smith.  Fantastic research about a fantastic dude.

¹ Matt, what about the B.K.A.S.? The Blogger Known As Scott? I don’t think he exists. (And, yes, that was just a Princess Bride reference. I defy you to find a better movie that features both Andre the Giant and Mandy Patinkin.)
² This is a lie.

In case you missed it on Deadspin, it seems that former Texans cheerleader Carrie Milbank has a new gig doing something with hockey. I dunno, I didn’t really read the story. But here are some pics of Carrie for your weekend enjoyment. (And here is her bio.)

I believe the words you are looking for are “Jesus titty fucking Christ on ice skates! Thank you, Matt!”

One of the odder things about me,¹ especially to people who have only known me for a relatively short time, is that I spent nearly two years working in a daycare. Even more strange, however, is that I still count that one as my favorite job I’ve ever had. During the school year, I would drive the (short) bus and take the school-age kids to their respective elementary schools, then spend the rest of the day in the three-year-old room, quietly crafting my unholy toddler army. But that is a story for a different day.

During the summer, however, I abandoned my post as three-year-old assistant teacher and was full-time in the school-age room. For the most part, I was responsible for driving us on field trips, delivering some kids to the community swimming program, and making sure no one got killed (which is harder than it sounds when you are the one wanting some of them to die). I also spent a great deal of time dominating nine-year-olds at basketball (on an 8-foot goal!) and wiffle ball. Those were the salad days.

Part of our summer program included something called Outdoor Teaching Activities, which we predictably shortened to OTAs. Ostensibly a way to teach the kids about science and nature, these were really nothing more than having them measure wind speed with bubbles or guess how many helium balloons it would take to lift object X five feet off the ground. Maybe they learned something, maybe they didn’t, but it got them outside and kept us (the teachers) sane. Plus, there is nothing more entertaining than watching a kid who throws like Lamar when he is on flat ground try to throw while standing on a balance beam. High comedy there.

ANYWAY, the point is that, to this day, when I hear “OTAs,” even in a Texans context, my mind does not go to 7-on-7 football and cone drills. Instead, I immediately picture Charles Spencer lighting leaves on fire with a magnifying glass and Zac Diles standing on top of a jungle gym with a bubble wand. I am nothing if not strange.

My own mental issues aside, however, OTAs continue in Texanland, entirely devoid of four-leaf clover searches and sidewalk chalk. And, as a blogger, I suppose I should get off my lazy ass² and mention them. First up, some choice quotes (and my less-than-choice reactions) from that font of wisdom and geyser of information, Gary Kubiak.

(on the possibility of a healthy QB Matt Schaub, RB Ahman Green and WR Andre Johnson) “Well, it means a great deal. Y’all saw how we played offensively when Ahman was available because he just brings a new dimension, and I think what we’re doing running the ball with Alex (Gibbs), I think Ahman’s really a nice fit with that and I think he’s gaining confidence in what we’re doing. The health of the football team’s important across the board, not just those three, but those three are pretty darn important.”

Not gonna lie to you, Gar…this isn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear. My hope was that you would say “Ahman? Ahman who? Oh, you mean that guy we are going to cut June 1? Yeah, F him.” In retrospect, I was probably hoping for too much, both from him last year and from you in this quote, but still.

Seriously, though, (1) I don’t see Green staying healthy and (2) I REALLY don’t see him thriving in the new system. His field vision is good enough, but methinks there are too many miles on those old legs to really get the explosive cuts that make the system effective.

Kubiak again:

(on the role of DE Anthony Weaver) “I think it could actually pick up for him because he’s healthy. He’s going through the offseason and he’s feeling as good as he’s ever felt. You always have to rotate D-linemen. I think maybe we’ll get a little more out of Anthony than last year just because we’re getting a good offseason out of him.”

Phew, that’s good. I was worried that we’d get less out him than last year. What’s that? There’s nothing less than zero? Oh…yeah…I suppose you are right.

Yes, yes, I know he was coming off a shoulder injury, so I will cut him a little slack. But when you are the highest paid player on the team, you only get so much slack. I really hope he does contribute like I thought he would when we signed him, because that would give us a monster D-line. I’m just not going to hold my breath here and I won’t be surprised one bit if BFD’s prediction of Chaun Thompson as a situational DE limits Weaver’s impact.

Other news and notes from the first three days of OTAs:

• **Unlike last year, the Texans website is no longer pluralizing OTA as OTA’s. This makes me exceedingly happy. And, because I wrote this last year, I am going to take credit for the change. Viva me!
• **DGDB&D whipping boy Petey Faggins is back and he’s mad! OK, not “mad,” really. More like, “hoping to still be on the team come opening day.” Says the seventh-year pro, “I just remembered all the good things that happened and got my confidence back up.” No offense, Pete, but I searched my memory long and hard for good things that happened to you and all I could come up with was you losing your starting job after the Chargers game.
• **I have a theory. If you face this everyday in practice, Kyle Vanden Bosch starts to look as intimidating as a midget driving a VW Beetle:

• **Finally, and as BFD mentioned, Andre Johnson is still on the shelf following minor knee surgery. It sounds crazy, but the health of that knee is likely the difference between 7-9 and 10-6. He is THAT important to the offense, as we saw over and over again last year. Here’s hoping he’s 100% come September.

¹ Which, if you know me, is really saying something.
² Figuratively, of course. Because who would type standing up?

I rarely do the whole “link to another story” post, but this is an exception.  Check out SOLIS’ post on Xavier Adibi over at BRB.  And then allow me to reiterate that he is, by far, my favorite player we took in this draft.

After much hype and a lull that would make the Big 10 jealous, I present to you:

The NBC Sports Blogger Mock Draft.

I’d also like to welcome the newest Texan, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie.

You didn’t think I was going to let this slip by, sans comment, did you? It seems a certain group of incestual infantivores have been buying copious amount of hydro green green from a Nashville drug dealer.

An undetermined number of Tennessee Titans players regularly purchased high-dollar, hydroponically grown marijuana in ounce quantities from a Nashville drug dealer, according to court records recently filed in the drug case of a former Nashville police officer sentenced to federal prison.

Of course, in typical, Titans-players-are-dumber-than-shit fashion, it seems they were paying for less weed than they were actually getting.

Corey Cecil was asked about the transactions, “The people that were sending you those wire transfers were connections that you had made on the streets when you more or less were a hydroponic marijuana dealer to the stars; is that right?”

Cecil asked Strianse what he meant by “To the stars,” and the attorney replied, “Tennessee Titans players, you would set them up with ounce quantities of high-quality hydroponic?”

Cecil then replied, “Yes, sir.”

Cecil also confirmed in questioning that he was “pinching out” seven grams of each ounce and selling it to the players as a full ounce with the Titans players unaware of being shortchanged.

According to Cecil’s testimony in the transcript, he would purchase the marijuana for approximately $650 per ounce, then after removing the seven grams, would sell the drug for “Like a grand.”

Let’s do some quick math: 1 oz. equals roughly 28 grams, so $650/oz = $23.21/gram. He pinched out 7 grams, so he was selling roughly $488 worth of weed for $1000. Either Cecil is the greatest marketer in the whole world, or it was clear to him that he was dealing with some total idiots.

Oh, wait.

(h/t Eric.)

In a move that will almost certainly bring the internets to a Hindenburg-like demise, the derelicts responsible for this blog present you, the reader, with…

DGDB&D: The Message Board!

That’s right, childrens, it’s a message board for (and by) readers of this little corner of the blogiverse.  I see it as Texans Talk, but without the pesky “rules.”  In fact, much like this place, the only rule is don’t be a complete douchebag (*cough*Tom*cough*).   Other that that, it should be like Lord of the Flies up in that bitch.

What are you waiting for?  Go login and post something!

By popular demand (BWHAHAHAHA!!!), I am delighted to introduce you to our new, wonderful, awesomest baseball blog, Warning Track Power.

Though I imagined all of us on a grand stage, flowers being tossed at us lovingly by our admiring fans, well, that just ain’t gonna happen. I think we’ve put together an outstanding starting cast of contributors to the site, including Matt, Tim from BRB, and a couple of extra special guest stars.

I think it’s safe to say that you can expect the high level of polite discourse at WTP as we exhibit here, except without the filipino tranny porn.

So, if you’re a baseball fan, join us over there for some baseball fun. The site’s still a work in progress, but I am truly excited about it. WHEE!!!!

What can I say? I love my peeps. Read this blog? You are my peeps.

To show my love, I could either give you a special leg hug a la DiehardChris, but I reserve that touch for my wife (and the Texans Twins, natch). Or, I could give you something of incredible rarity and value, all for the super special low price of….free!

That’s right, my peeps, I present you with old Houston Oilers songs. Now, the quality is teh suck, for which I apologize. I acquired all of these 45s in person at Oilers games in the 70s and 80s, and I still have the records. I used a 1960s record player to rip these to mp3, though I am working on borrowing some updated equipment to re-rip, but it might be some time (and I’ll rip them to flac).

I love my readers.

Enjoy!

Oiler Cannonball - Carl Mauck
I’m Sorry Blue - Debbie Reeves
Super Bowl Itch - Kenny Burroughs
Big Bad Earl - Tom Cantrell
and, of course, Houston Oilers #1 - Lee Ofman

Also, since I know that the Chron will be here shortly to steal these and post them there, taking full credit: you suck, and your entire operation sucks. Fuck you.

{Hugs},

bfd

PS: Though the site isn’t fully ready for prime time just yet, several old Houston Astros rips will be posted to our new baseball site Warning Track Power. We’ll have an official announcement a bit later about this new endeavor.

Pancakes, my new enemy #1, has posted a somewhat professional article saying the Texans have signed Quinn Gray to back up…well, he ain’t gonna be the #3 QB, I tell you what.

I don’t have a ton of time to go deep with this, but here are the quick hits:

1. Kubiak doesn’t carry a 3rd QB on the active roster.

2. Quinn did not sign to be on the practice squad.

3. As has been mentioned by me previously (too lazy to link, so see the next link), Rosie Rosenfels is on the block.

I think it’s just a matter of time before we see some dominoes start to fall, though I don’t know if it’ll look like my heavenly nirvana (the attendance of virgins may vary). I can say that I am excited about the possibilities, but I’m also not wearing any pants.

Let me end by reminding everyone who reads this blog that Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie is personally responsible for every tax rate hike over the last 50 years.

PS: Chron? Suck. On. This. If it wasn’t personal before, it’s personal now.

Question: If I am driving around at 3AM with a BAC of .13 and, upon stopping at a red light, I lose consciousness with the car still in gear, would you say I have merely “fallen asleep” or would I be “blacked out like a motherfucker”?

Because I am thinking it would be the latter, but this Chron article suggests it is the former. Even better, there are assertions that the whole thing was done with the utmost care. No, seriously.

Richards said Jones was cooperative and seemed remorseful. He was taken into custody and charged with driving while intoxicated. The bail, set at $500, was paid later Sunday morning.

[Jones' attorney, Chip] Lewis said Jones was stopped safely and was wearing his seat belt when officers found him (emphasis added).

Really, Chip? Stopped “safely?”