Please stop laughing at me, Jesus.
Nov 18, 2008 Awfulness, Fuck Jared Allen, Injury bug, The Schaub Experiment
Yeah, great. Awesome. Stupendous, even.
NFL
Schaub will be out longer than Texans thought
Quarterback might get back before end of season.
ASSOCIATED PRESS
Tuesday, November 18, 2008HOUSTON — Texans coach Gary Kubiak said Monday that Houston quarterback Matt Schaub’s recovery from a knee injury will take longer than the two to four weeks initially projected.
Schaub has been out two weeks with an injured medial collateral ligament. Kubiak said it could be another four weeks. There are six games left in the season.
Schaub was injured in a Nov. 2 loss at Minnesota on a pair of below-the-knee hits that got Jared Allen fined $50,000.
With Sage Rosenfels at the helm, the Texans have dropped three straight. Rosenfels has seven interceptions with four touchdowns this season.
Fuck Asterisks—We Fucking Blow: A Discussion of Shit and Shittiness
Nov 10, 2008 2008 Season, Awfulness, Fuck, Posts that list too many players, Shit
Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, that sucked worse than a snaggletoothed Parkinson’s patient. There were a couple good things that came out of it, but they were buried underneath about 37 tons of shit, so we are really going to have to dig to get to them. And I am not in the mood to start with the happy stuff anyway, so push up your sleeves and dig in to the festering pile of yesterday.
First and foremost, I have an announcement to make. If there is anyone who still honestly believes that Sage RosenFAILs should be starting over Matt Schaub, you are fucking retarded on a Travis-Johnson-like level and you are forever forbidden from commenting here or speaking to me in public. In fact, if I hear that you’ve even uttered the name of this blog to someone out in the real world, I will sue. I’m not totally sure what my cause of action will be, but goddamnit I’ll do it anyway. I have the free time.
Sage should not be starting for this OR ANY OTHER team. My argument for why he should have been sold to the highest bidder at the end of 2007 was simply that it made no sense to not get something for a guy that, if everything went to plan, would not see the field. People argued with me and said “but if Schaub gets hurt, you HAVE to have someone who can step in and lead the offense and not miss a beat.” Yeah? How’s that fucking argument working for you now? I said it then and I’ll say it now–you do NOT have to have two good QBs in this league. Pittsburgh doesn’t, Indy doesn’t, New England apparently fluked into a capable backup, New York sure as fuck doesn’t, etc. What you HAVE TO HAVE is one good QB and a line that will keep him upright. And getting extra draft picks for a backup QB is the type of move that will give you more opportunities to build your line.
Now, however, we sit here (to paraphrase Chris) with a QB that we’d be lucky to get two Pop-Tarts for. (And even if you could get two Pop-Tarts for him, they’d be those shitty, non-iced cinnamon ones that require a gallon of milk while you are eating them because they are so dry. ‘Cause ain’t nobody giving us two iced strawberry tarts for this asshole.) Great. Awesome. Wonderful. FUCK.
Moving on…
You can blame the officials a bit (or even more than a bit), but the fact remains that we were penalized roughly 45 times for about 883 yards (give or take), including a holding call that negated the Wonder that is Stevie. I love Stevie, so this made me very sad. Again, say what you will about whether the calls were right because some definitely were not, but playing shitty, sloppy football is going to lead to those kinds of blown calls. What’s more, as some have said here and elsewhere over the last few miserable weeks, we have never done ANYTHING to warrant getting the benefit of the doubt on a questionable call. Until we establish that (a) we are good enough to win without holding/tripping/hoping the other team gets dysentery and (b) develop a reputation as one of the “good” teams that “deserves” (and, yes, I am using both of those terms ironically) breaks, we are not going to get them.
And it sure as fuck doesn’t help your cause when your LT tackles Terrell Suggs right in the middle of the endzone, drawing a safety. That’s the kind of shit that is going to make people start looking for holds because it looks (correctly) like you are getting owned. Also, as an aside, Sage does not deserve that kind of protection, Duane. Let Suggs go. Become vengeance, Duane! Become wrath!
Remember way back a couple weeks ago when I wrote this long-ass post on coverage schemes and what we should be doing? Remember how I said that the one coverage that we should NOT do with the personnel we have is Cover-2? Anyone care to guess what we were running on Yamon Figurs TD (Hint: The GIANT hole between TWO deep safeties should clue you in) ? I don’t claim to be anything other than a defense-obsessed fan, but if this kind of shit is obvious to me, shouldn’t it be even MORE clear to the people in charge of the team? It isn’t exactly rocket surgery, ya know?
I can’t figure out what is wrong with Fred Bennett. The knock on him before he became awesome last year was that he was afraid of contact and not much good at tackling. Yet, yesterday, he was hitting well and tackling well, but was giving a Faggins-esque cushion to everyone and was covering like crap. How can the part you were GOOD at regress but the part that you had to work to improve actually keep improving? THANKS, RICHARD SMITH.
Speaking of Richard Smith, why in the holy fuck do you insist on letting Jacques Reeves “cover” the other team’s best WR? Does it mean nothing to you that teams–all teams, including teams like Minny that have no appreciable passing game–are going RIGHT AT HIM? I mean, it does not matter who he “defends” (again, ironic), teams have figured out (rightly) that they should throw the ball his way early and often. Because he sucks, you see. Yet you don’t do anything about it. Because either you ate paintchips as a child or you hate me so personally that you’ll submarine the team’s hopes just to try and make my head explode. I’m on to you, Smith.
Hey, Morlon Greenwood, while you were busy continuing to make me look like an asshole, did you feel a hot sensation on the back of your neck? That was Xavier Adibi, who is going to have your job by next August at the latest. Because you are playing like you have your dick caught in your zipper and don’t want to make any sudden movements, while Adibi was busting his motherfucking ass on Sunday. Thanks. Jerk.
Finally, can someone please tell me why Gary Kubiak still hasn’t figured out clock management? You have timeouts, you are trying to score at the end of the half, you don’t get to keep those TOs for the second half (maybe no one has told him this), yet you let approximately 12 seconds run off the clock, hurry a first-down pass, then run an impotent draw play? What. The. Fuck? You’ve been doing this for multiple seasons now, Gar. Maybe…just maybe…YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO FUCKING USE TIMEOUTS AND CHALLENGES, YOU ASSHOLE.
*******
Like I mentioned up there a ways, there were a couple good things that came out of this smegma fest.
First, have I said recently how much I digs me some Earl Cochran? Since the middle of last season, he’s shown a high motor (despite not being white) and a nose for the ball every time he’s been given a chance to play. He’s figured out that, as the DE opposite Mario, you are never going to get doubled and you just need to keep bringing it on every play and eventually you’ll make good things happen. Ladies and gents, if Earl Cochran is not your 2009 starter at the non-Mario DE spot, we better have signed Julius fucking Peppers or something.
DeMeco, welcome back. We were missing you.
LVJ played well (not great, but well) at the SLB slot. I don’t think he’s the long-term fix there–he’s more valuable on STs with the ability to fill in at SLB or MLB when needed–but he shouldn’t be a liability as the season winds down. Still, I’d trade three years off my life for us to draft Brian Orakpo and covert him to SLB. A 255-lb beast of an SLB right behind Mario when teams put the TE on that side to help block Mario? That’s the type of shit that forces teams to run the other direction all goddamned day. (Not that we seem able to tackle RBs right now, but whatever.)
Dunta is still not 100%. This much is clear. But is there anything better than seeing him playing out there and not being the least bit tentative due to the injury? I think not.
Our receiving corps, as bfd pointed out, fucking kicks ass. Andre Johnson is a god. Kevin Walter plays the Boo Boo to ‘Dre’s Yogi very adeptly. Dance Dance Revolution is an idiot, but he’s the less-white Wayne Chrebet. Owen Daniels should be a Pro Bowler if there is any justice in the world. Etc. Too bad we don’t currently have a QB who can use those weapons in a positive manner. (Unless you count using ‘Dre to clear the middle of the field so you can better complete a pass to Ray Lewis as “positive.”)
If I sound negative even in talking about the good stuff, it’s because I am. After all, that’s the problem with that kind of shit-laden performance; even the good parts are going to be stained and stinky.
Random Updates
Nov 7, 2008 2008 Season, Awfulness, Fuck Jared Allen, High Motor must be a euphemism for White, Injury bug
Per Pro Football Weekly (and via Eric), Jared “I Like To Taste My Own Semen” Allen will be fined but not suspended. Apparently, the league thought the hit, while dirty enough to warrant a fine, was not committed by someone black enough to deserve suspension. And, no, I am not going to let the race card go on this one. So there.
Also, per the mothership (and via Dan in WC), Xavier Adibi will be playing WEAKside (praise Durga) and does in fact weigh “only” 223. Of course, as Dan astutely noted, there’s still no chance in hell we blitz with him. Because Richard Smith is retarded, you see.
Finally, per Kubiak (and via da Bull), Chaun Thompson has a hamstring issue and THAT’S why he’s not in line to take the SLB gig. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR ONE GODDAMNED LINEBACKER TO BE FUCKING HEALTHY?!?!? IS IT?!?
Not that each of you isn’t special to me, but I have family in town tonight so don’t expect any more posting from me until some time tomorrow. And, even then, should you really expect all that much on a weekend? Or ever? Didn’t anyone ever warn you about unrealistic expectations?
Kickoff - “Readers react” Edition
Nov 3, 2008 Awfulness, Guest Posts, H/T Eric, I really dig my readers, Kickoff
A number of good emails came in prior to and (especially) after the game. Git yo read on, homeslice.
From Edgar:
So we all know how god-like Andre is on the field. Anybody who knows anything about football will most likely concede that this guy is one of the most talented receivers in the game, if not the most talented. Yet somehow we can’t go more than a few days without hearing of an article by a sportswriter who thinks he is having this big epiphany by extolling Andre’s virtues. My question is this: do you think if Andre was more of a diva on and off the field like just about every other wide receiver in the league he would get more props?
It almost seems like his hard work ethic, unselfish nature, and consistent performance on the field would be a slight detriment in that his name isn’t being tossed around nearly as much as much less talented receivers. Does this matter to him? Most likely not, and it shouldn’t matter to us either but I was just curious to see if you had any thoughts on the matter. The guy is just too good to not be on every single list of the top receivers, and I think his quiet nature is part of the reason—people just forget.
I’d agree with that. Hell, in the pregame yesterday, Bill Cowher gave his Top 12 WRs list and Andre was number one. One of the other twits said something about “do you think anyone even knows who Andre Johnson is?” My constant reply to that idea is “if they have a damned clue about anything other than their team (which is most likely the Cowboys), they sure as hell do.” But, yeah, I think the fact that he is so classy about everything makes him take a backseat press-wise to turds like Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens. And, of course, it doesn’t help that he’s never made a playoff appearance.
From Will “The Thrill”:
The O-Line got owned. That contributed to a lot of problems.
As bad as they played, we should have won it, but gave another game away with stupid fucking turnovers. Not just turnovers. Stupid Fucking Turnovers. As Alex Gibbs told Rosenfels after that INT, “What the fuck was that?”
Our front 7 played the best game of the year on D.
Our secondary had the worst game of the year. Dunta included. Fuck Jaques Reeves. Even with Dunta getting burned, what case can be made for any other CB combo than Bennett-Robinson?
The only reason Reeves intercepts that ball is because he was behind the reciever and the ball was thrown behind then tipped.
Duane Brown: fuck!
Hey Sage: those timeouts are precious. Quit fucking burning them.
Chris Myers: learn how to snap the fucking ball.
Schaub: If you’re going to be the man, you can’t fucking throw to the other team. Also, hold on to the fucking ball when you get hit.
FUCK
A while later, again from Will:
Riddle me this:
What’s really different about this team from last year?
Better:
Steve Slaton is a glaring positive.Tim Bulman and Earl Cochran big improvements.
Mario looks better than he did last year.
Worse:
Our O-Line is arguably worse with a first rounder and a big name coach.
Our secondary is worse with a big name coach.
Tackling has went down hill.
A couple of key players to our long term success have regressed: Fred Bennett, Amobi Okoye and Eric Winston.
Same:
QB play still inconsistent. I don’t have the stats, but Schaub has to fumble at least 1 in every 3 hits. At least 1 in 4.As good as Schaub is, he’s still good for some really boneheaded INT’s.
Maybe why he’s 1-10 as a starter on the road now.
Same fucking stupid clock management.
I can’t blame much on defense playcalling this week. But fuck, we’re talking about the Vikings O. Aside from AP, what ‘real’ weapons do they have.
I could keep on going, but it just seems like it’s more of the fucking same old shit. I think we’re staring 7-9 or 8-8 and another non-playoff-berth [season] right in the eyes right now. Which probably guarantees more of the same next year.
FUCK.
I wish I could disagree with the last part, about how 7-9 or 8-8 gives us more of the same, but I can’t. I can already hear the “see…we finished 8-4″ or whatever. As if the first four losses somehow shouldn’t count. I will say this, however, even if we won out and did not allow another point all year, I would still be calling for Richard Smith’s head. If he’s shown anything this year, it is that any defensive success we have is in spite of him and certainly not because of him. When Jacques Reeves is getting targeted on EVERY SINGLE PASS, you might want to ask yourself “self, is Reeves really that bad?” The answer is “YES.” But I am positive Smith has not had that conversation with himself at all.
Finally, from Eric:
WTF morning guys!
This might be an easy note, ’cause it’s the consistent problems we’ve played with during the Kubiak era. Who’s in charge? Shanny is OC and Kubes makes the offensive calls. Gibbs rips Sage (while he’s leaving the field) after his dunderheaded interception. Richard Smith is *cough* *gag* the DC and has never made a game plan to beat a Pop Warner co-ed team. So, here are my four (4) problems with these Texans (not in any specific order):
1) Can’t win on the road
2) Clock mgmt.
3) Turnovers
4) Richard Smith
The Texans have not won on the road in over a year! One fucking year!?! In the comfy confines of Reliant, our boyz look like a legitimate NFL team. On the road, they seem unprepared, under performing, and out played. (In the Denny Green voice) “They are who we thought they were! If you want to crown them, then crown their asses!” Not a crown of gold, of course, but a dunce cap will do. Why?
Sage’s interception was/is inexcusable. Thinking they had a first down, the coaches fail to get the play in, when in fact they were now 3rd and short and the play clock was then inside the 15 second time frame and his helmet headset shuts off. Instead of calling a timeout, Sage calls the play (w/Kubes and baby Shanny oblivious to what’s going on) and instead of regrouping and burning the T/O, running a play that might get the 1st, or settling for 3 pts., Sage throws the pick. Why?
Since Kubes is the lead engineer of the train, he’s responsible for the train wreck. I’ve tired of him coming to these pressers and proclaiming “it’s all on me” and following it up the next week with the same glaring problems. During TC, these buffoons wore on their asses “protect the ball (offense)” and “get the ball (defense)” or some such shit. What has changed? The “red zone” seems to be the time our QBs decide it’s time to either throw it away or lay it on the ground. The defense cannot strip the ball nor do they have a ball hawk in the secondary, to go get the ball. Why?
Richard Smith….need I say more? Why?
Did you know that Football Outsiders shows the Texans as 26th in the league in offensive efficiency in the 1st quarter and 2nd in the league in the second quarter? Why? Now Schaub might have to sit for two (2) weeks with a sprained left knee. The bus will be driven by “Rosenchoppa”, who had everything to prove from the Indy meltdown, proving he could be a starter in this league, and playing before friends and family 5 hours away. He displayed the same tendencies he showed against Indy and that 3rd round pick from the Vikes is a distant memory. Yes, we need him and is a luxury to have as a back-up but, if we’re laying an egg, pull the trigger.
Well said. “Why?” could be the overarching theme of the entire season right now.
This shit is between you, me, and Mr. Soon-To-Be-Livin’-The-Rest-Of-His-Short-Ass-Life-In-Agonizing-Pain Rapist here.
Oct 8, 2008 2008 Season, Anger, Awfulness, Colts Shmolts, Disturbing (yet accurate) Metaphors, Pulp Fiction, Rosie Rosenfels
I spent Sunday nursing what was either a flu bug, the mother of all hangovers, or a combination of the two. Which meant that I didn’t even bother to open my eyes until the alarm clock went off at 11:30 AM. I turned to the appropriate Sunday Ticket channel just in time to see Sage Rosenfels warming up spliced with shots of Matt Schaub standing on the sideline, looking dejected.
“The fuck?” I thought. Thankfully, a Gumbel was on hand to tell me that, yes, Sage was starting because Matt was battling an “intestinal infection,” which we all know is a euphemism for “the shits.” (As an aside, is there a better excuse for skipping work than “I have diarrhea?” It’s common enough that no one doubts you and it’s vile enough that no one wants details or even wants you to come to work. But I digress.)
You know the story by now, of course. The Colts scored early. Then, for roughly 50 minutes of game time, we dominated the dogshit out of them. Judging by the Colts’ collective reactions on the sidelines, they were a ball-gagged Marsellus Wallace and we were Zed. Hell, if you listened carefully, you could actually hear The Revels’ “Comanche” playing in the background as Super Steve Slaton notched his second TD of the day.
Little did we know that the role of Butch Coolidge was to be played by none other than Sage fucking Rosenfels.
Lest ye think I am torturing this metaphor a little too much, consider:
**Butch gets free, knocks out the gimp, and things begin unraveling for Zed even though he has no idea at the time. This is right when Sage gets free and starts pointing out blocks as if he were Steve Young.
**Butch decides against saving himself and, instead, picks a weapon to go rescue Marsellus. This is Sage forgoing the “save yourself” route of sliding and, instead, going into helicopter mode. (Bonus metaphor goodness: Butch used a sword, Helicopters have blades! Yay, me!)
**Butch goes into the rape-a-torium, surprises Maynard, and kills him. You immediately see abject fear in Zed’s eyes. Obviously, this is Sage’s fumble and Gary Brackett’s return. The fear in Zed’s eyes was mirrored on the Texans’ sideline as well as on the face of every Texans fan.
**Butch taunts Zed with the sword, daring him to reach for his pistol and looking for an opening to kill him. On the Texans’ next possession, Sage rolls to his left again, dangling the ball in his right hand and gesticulating wildly with his left.
**Marsellus tells Butch to step aside, racks the shotgun in slow motion. Sage is tracked down from behind and has the ball stripped by Robert Mathis.
**Marsellus blows Zed’s dick off. Manning to Reggie Wayne over the unturned head of Jacques Reeves.
**When Butch asks “what now,” while still holding a weapon, Marsellus replies: “What now? Let me tell you what now. I’ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin’ niggers who’ll go to work on the holmes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin’, hillbilly boy!? I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’ma get medieval on your ass.” Sage asks what now, throws a final INT, and leaves us to be tortured with the football equivalent of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch—the victory kneel-down in a close game.
And there ya have it.
I’m not totally sure what the lesson is in all of this, since Butch gets away and gets a new motorcycle chopper out of the deal, but I know this: If Matt Schaub had played the role of Butch, we probably don’t get our collective dick blown off. I’m just sayin’.
We Get Emails
Oct 1, 2008 Awesomeness, Awfulness, Bad Idea Jeans, Bad Juju, Too far?
So, I was sitting here in the den, minding my own business and drinking a beer, when an email from an address I didn’t recognize popped up on the laptop.
terristevensXX@aol.com
The fuck? Must be junk mail, as I don’t know anyone who still uses AOL, even just for an email address. But that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I click on it and…well…let’s just take it line by line, shall we?
I was reading the things you wrote about Matt Stevens.
And I was surfing porn because my wife’s out of town. What’s your point? Oh…hold up. Terri Stevens? As in, like, Matt Stevens’ wife? Oh, this should be solid.
I wanted you to know that I agree with you…..
I had to look back just to see what I’d written about The Sultan of Suck. I found three references:
Here. “2. Matt Stevens, FS. Tim once relayed to me that he tried to name BRB “Shaking Matt Stevens,” but it was vetoed as being too obscure. It wouldn’t have been the least bit obscure to Texans fans, however, who still remember Matt Stevens as the poster child for blown coverage, failed tackles, and general shittiness. He apparently was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident, but, contrary to popular belief, this occurred after he left the Texans organization. (I’m going to Hell.)”
Here. “(regarding best Texans safety ever) OK…so, it obviously can’t be Matt Stevens because he is on the short list of ‘Worst Texan ever.’”
And Here. “For a third choice, Scott broke the news that the team was bringing in Shaun Williams for a workout. Unfortunately, as Scott points out, Williams is better against the run than the pass and has been described as “reckless.” Sure, that would be better than, say, bringing in Matt Stevens–of course, I would be better than Matt Stevens–but it’s not necessarily a panacea.”
I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you don’t agree that he sucked and/or you don’t agree that I would be a better NFL safety than your husband. But what do you agree with?
for sure there will be a spot for you in hell.
OH. I see what you did there. I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am.
Besides, assuming one believes in the afterlife, that ticket was punched a while ago, thus your little bout of virtual bitchiness does not really faze me. In fact, here’s a tip—when a blog talks about the Pope blessing someone’s cock and/or feeling like you’ve been fisted with sandpaper gloves after watching a certain player, the writer is probably not going to be overly concerned with your hurt feelings. But let’s continue.
You are a horrible person.
Again, we already settled that. And, for what it’s worth, my wife and kids would disagree. They love me, though that could just be because I can walk. In fact, If you were to write mean things about me, they might even send you nasty emails that wished you to Hell.
Just thought you should know.
Hey, your husband is the worst player to ever wear Battle Red, which is no small feat. Just thought you should know.
Karma is a bitch.
Hmm. Interesting theory. Though, it certainly makes one wonder who Matt pissed off in a former life to come back as a piss poor tackler destined to end in a wheelchair. I mean, if you believe in karma, then you have to believe in it wholly or else your belief system is as flawed and inconsistent as your husband’s coverage skills.
(Also, you are incorrectly applying the concept of karma, but a lot of people do that, so I will let you slide. I will point out, however, that a correctly applied real belief in karma is incompatible with the eternity-in-agony-and-brimstone Christian Hell you’ve already damned me to.)
Anyway, that’s it? You saw that I, a random blogger, wrote mean and slightly distasteful things about a guy, so you emailed to tell me that I suck and that I am going to Hell? Awesome. Behold, The Power Of The Internet!
If I may be so bold, why were you Googling John Q. Floppycock’s name in the first place? Trying to remember a time before you had to wipe his ass? Trying to find someone to tell you good things about Matt so you can find meaning in things and won’t be forced to think that life is just a huge series of unrelated events? Just trying to take your mind of the non-use of your vagina?
You know what? I don’t actually care what the answer is. Because fuck you, that’s why.
Yours in Christ,
MDC
P.S. Bitch.
A Conversation I Had Twelve Minutes Ago
Sep 26, 2008 Awfulness, Fuck the Cowboys, Self-Referential Stuff, Shameless begging, You'd like to think I was joking
Bum: (as I walk past the bus stop) S’cuse me, sir.
Me: What’s up?
Bum: Sir, I’m from Texas and I am trying to get back home. Could you spare some money? Anything you have, sir, I’d appreciate it.
Me: (reaching for wallet) Texas, huh? You a Cowboys fan?
Bum: Yessir! Love the Cowboys!
Me: (pushing wallet back into pocket) Sorry, man. I don’t have any cash.
File this under: Needless worrisome speculation
Aug 27, 2008 Awfulness, BFD's Real Doll
From PFT, Rudi Johnson expects to be traded “any minute now.”
We’ve talked a lot, especially on game day threads, that the Texans have a wonderfully deep and talented WR corps.
The Bengals are rumored to want a WR in return.
On *paper*, this is a match.
In real life, this trade would suck monkey balls. I just can’t imagine Smithiak would make a deal like this. Yet, I’m worried, especially since Sick Boy Ahman Green and Carl Pavano Chris Brown can’t seem to run more than three plays combined before being hurt.
First, tell me I’m a dumbass for even thinking this. Then, tell me to FOAD. But I’ll be watching the wires as much as possible today.
All-Time Texans Team - Defense - DT
Aug 20, 2008 All-Time Texans, Amobi Okoye is an adult, Awfulness, Frank Okam is an evil genius, Inflamed body parts, Tremendous Busts
You saw the previous discussion of the paucity of talent at defensive end. You sobbed silently at your desk while discussing free safeties and strong safeties. You were sure the worst was behind us. But wait, there’s less!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to talk about Defensive Tackle.
Now, if you’ve been reading this blog for more than about a week, you know that I scream and rant and rave about the need to differentiate between the Nose Tackle and the Under Tackle as two wholly different positions in the 4-3. And I would love to do that here. Unfortunately, even though the team ran a 3-4 for YEARS, Frank Okam is the first true two-gap NT we’ve ever had and he’s yet to play a real game, so I can’t hardly just pick him and move on. Thus, unfortunately, the DTs are getting lumped together.
The candidates:
Seth Payne
Steve Martin
Travis Johnson
Anthony Maddox
Amobi Okoye
*looks at list, throws up*
While he could have been a solid under tackle, Seth Payne was in no way, shape or form a nose tackle, even in a 4-3. Yet he played the position for years in a 3-4. Which goes a LOOOOOONG way toward explaining Jamie Sharper’s ridiculous tackle numbers. Now, to be fair to Payne, he busted his ass for us and played surprisingly well ok. His nine sacks, two forced fumbles, and 196 tackles over five seasons are not HOF numbers, but they are certainly better than nothing.
Despite being almost heavy enough to look like a nose tackle on television, Steve Martin made Seth Payne look like Casey Hampton. (Side note: That 2003 line of Corey Sears, Steve Martin, and Jerry DeLoach might be the worst front three ever assembled.)
Travis Johnson. Bah. In three years (24 starts), Johnson has 1 sack, 1 INT, 78 tackles, and 6 passes defended. He has never once forced or recovered a fumble. I’m not even sure how that is possible as a nose tackle, but whatever. But, hey, at least we didn’t waste a high draft pick on him! Oh…damn.
Anthony Maddox—a man who was delivering furniture when the Texans called him for a tryout and who only started 3 games last year because he lost his starting gig—has 4 career sacks, a FF, a FR, a 47-yard TD on that recovery, and 53 tackles. Which makes him better than Steve Martin and Travis Johnson combined.
Amobi Okoye had 5.5 sacks, 32 tackles, and a forced fumble in his only season. This despite it being painfully clear that he hit a real wall around week 12, which is what happens when you are drafted at 19 freakin’ years old.
Result: I am going with Seth Payne and Amobi Okoye for the all-timers.
*Note: I intentionally left out the guys who are really DEs but would move inside on occasion like Weaver and Smith.
Quick thoughts on the game
Aug 10, 2008 2008 Training Camp, Awesomeness, Awfulness
I have a full day with the fam, so this’ll be quick.
Now, understanding that it was the first pre-season game with a lot of new faces, all grades are about a “B” no matter where they stand. I’m simply breaking down players and groups in two divisions and would love to hear people’s opinions on the game last night. Also, please note that the camera angles and my distance from the TV kinda sucked, and I don’t feel like I got a good look at line play.
Impressive:
Frank Okam:Had a couple of plays where he got swallowed up, but he was pushing up the gut, occasionally taking out two blockers on the way.
Zac Diles:Ran with the first teamers and was all over the ball.
Petey Faggins: Yeah, I said it.
Jamar Fletcher: Gawd-awful pass interference, but he held his tackles and made a particularly nice pick on the hail mary. Sure, it was just a hail mary, right? Well, he broke on the ball and nobody else moved.
Mario and DeMeco: No comment necessary.
Duane Brown and Chris Meyers: Kept Sage and Schaub upright from their assignments. No multiple hold calls like the Broncos’ dudes.
Sage Rosenfels, Matt Schaub, and Shane Boyd: I am more and more hopeful every day on our QB play.
David Anderson: Wow!
——-
Not so impressive:
Chris Taylor: Running hard, sure, but not breaking tackles and missed a blitz assignment, nearly leading to Sage’s decapitation.
Steve Slaton: Maybe I missed it, but did he break a single tackle?
Ahman Green: Just sigh.
Jacoby Jones: That punt return was awful, though he did make a beautiful catch later on. I’m not sure if the return means he’s getting his cockiness back, though, which would be a good thing. He just seemed to lose confidence last year.
Morlon Greenwood and the rest of the 1st team run defense: We were used and abused on the touchdown drive.
Tim Carter:You got owned by Anderson and Jones tonight, and your hands are as delicate as a chainsaw.
That’s all I can think of, especially with my son getting pissed that I’m at the computer. What say y’all?
Edit: I can’t believe I forgot Anthony Maddox, who was downright awful. Did he start every play back-pedaling? Or was he just that easy to move.
How to break bfd
Aug 5, 2008 Awfulness, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Fuck the Cowboys
You say something this incredibly stupid:
Hey Matt did you understand that OT loss to VY’s Titans? Or was that too complicated… you know a touchdown in sudden death OT. even a …. fuckwit…. takes a playmaker that wins games over a defensive lineman.
/looking for games Mario Williams won…. still looking…. couldnt find one but he did have a mediocre season last year. Congratulations Texans fans! you went 8-8!
Holy. Crap.
There’s way too much stupid in this statement to even Fisk the sucker. But I will say this: the basic, fundamental lack of football knowledge displayed here is simply astounding. To answer your question: yes, it appears to have been posted by a cow-fuckers fan. Just kinda figures, don’t it?
The stupid burns! Get it off! GET IT OFF!!!
All-Time Texans Team - Defense - SS
Jul 21, 2008 All-Time Texans, Awfulness, Secondary issues are primary, Stats
Continuing the series and sticking with positions that make the prospect of drinking bleach seem pleasant, let’s do the Strong Safeties.
First, the candidates:
Eric Brown
Glenn Earl
C.C. Brown
Be still, my beating heart. Eric Brown gave us .5 sack, 1.5 INTs, 1.5 FFs, 1.5 PDs, and about 70 tackles per season in his 2 years as a starter. In two-seasons worth of starts, Earl averaged 1 sack, 1.5 INTs, .5 FF, 5 PDs, and about 70 tackles. Last year, pressed into duty as the strong safety, C.C. (whose real name is Ceandris Nehemiah, so I don’t understand the two Cs) Brown offered up 0 sacks, 1 INT, 2 FF, 3 FR, 8 PDs, and about 80 tackles. (All number via Pro-Football-Reference.com)
Hmm.
Blech.
I guess C.N. Brown wins again by default, purely on the strength of his turnover numbers and the fact that he bothered to defend some passes.
(Side note: I left Marlon McCree off the FS discussion, not that it would have changed anything. My bad.)
The World’s Largest Forehead Will Be Ready On Sunday!
Jul 18, 2008 Anger, Awfulness, Please let the season start soon, Self-Referential Stuff, Teams that aren't the Texans
Back when I still had Comcast cable—before the tornado made my trees go bye-bye and allowed me a better view of the Southern sky–I did a post about how Comcast was trying to piss me off.
It seems DirecTV has decided to one-up them.
I called today to order my Sunday Ticket (plus SuperFan) package and, when I was placed on hold, whose voice should come on the line but Peyton fucking Manning?!? That’s right—I had to listen to that inbred, Chesney-blowing assmaster give me a three minute spiel about how “aww shucks, I’m gonna be ready on Sunday, will you be?”
Son. Of. A. Bitch. What could I do? I had to order the package, so I waited and tried to ignore him. And I’m pretty sure I confused the operator when she came back on the line and I said “that person who was just talking to me was very, very insulting.”
Matt has never been so excited!
Jul 10, 2008 Awfulness, Big dudes doing the little things, Teams that aren't the Texans
He’ll get to take a picture of NFL cock:
Arkansas police arrest Jaguars receiver Matt Jones in SUV with cocaine, marijuana
One of the officers walked up to the passenger side rear door and saw Jones sitting inside. The report said he had in his lap a white card with a white powder and a credit card in his hand that he was using to chop up and scrape the powder.
That kicks so much ass. The only real surprise is that it wasn’t meth.
Matt, get your mouth camera ready!
Thanks, Joey!
Jun 25, 2008 2002 Draft, Awfulness, Sandy Vag, Stats
According to Pro Football Reference, it was only the amazing levels of suckitude put forth by Joey Harrington and Rick Mirer that kept David Carr from topping the Worst QB (Career) list. But, still, I guess he can point to one other QB from the same time period and say, “See! I told you I wasn’t THAT bad!”
Plus, I suppose Carr could point to the fact that only during his 2002 season was he the worst QB in the league. And his 2002 season was only the fourth worst in history. So, yeah…maybe we totally misread the guy.
From the article:
Here’s a list of the 25 worst seasons by any QB:
year att pyd ptd icp sk-syd any/a Rating Bud Schwenk 1942 CRD 295 1360 6 27 - 0.69 -1243 Jack Jacobs 1948 GNB 184 848 5 21 - -0.26 -1158 Jake Plummer 1999 ARI 381 2111 9 24 27-152 2.38 -1017 Archie Manning 1975 NOR 338 1683 7 20 49-390 1.20 - 972 David Carr 2002 HOU 444 2592 9 15 76-411 3.07 - 942
And more:
How about the worst QB in the league for every season since the merger?
Quarterback Year Team ANY/A Rating Trent Dilfer 2007 SFO 2.09 - 754 Andrew Walter 2006 OAK 2.69 - 764 Kyle Orton 2005 CHI 2.97 - 815 A.J. Feeley 2004 MIA 3.15 - 806 Joey Harrington 2003 DET 3.56 - 738 David Carr 2002 HOU 3.07 - 942
And the rest:
Okay, I know what you’re all waiting for. Let’s get to the career list.
Quarterback Att Rate Joey Harrington 2538 -2129 Rick Mirer 2043 -2081 David Carr 2206 -1804
The methodology for these ratings can be found here. This is either hilariously sad or depressingly funny, I’m not sure which.
Top 5 Worst Defensive Texans
Jun 23, 2008 Awards, Awfulness, Frank Okam is an evil genius, Top 5, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts
Back to the lists, bitches. You call it filler, I call it…well…filler. But that’s beside the point. This post was originally going to be Top 5 Worst Texans, regardless of position. After a short conversation with Tim, however, I quickly realized that there are, sadly, too many deserving players to narrow the list to five. The defensive guys come first here because we are all about defense in these parts. We’ll cover the offense tomorrow.
Note: The only requirement to be on this list was a minimum of 10 games started in a Texans uni. Thus, Boselli, Joppru, etc., are not eligible.
5. Cory Sears, DE. The fact that Sears started 12 games at LDE for the team in 2003 (also known as 3 B.M. (Before Mario)) should tell you all you need to know about the early Texans’ defensive line. He racked up an “impressive” 1 sack and 26 solo tackles. He also had one sack the previous season (4 B.M.) as a non-starter. And they say we didn’t have a pass rush???
4. Travis Johnson, DT. One career sack. One career INT. 58 solo tackles in three years. Roughly 30 personal fouls for blatant stupidity. About the only thing he’s got going for him is that the coaching staff is convinced that he will still live up to his draft status. Well, until he is officially supplanted by evil genius Frank Okam.
3. Phillip Buchanon, CB. Showtime’s failures have been chronicled here over the last week in these Top 5 lists, so there’s not much to add. Well, other than the fact that he tackled worse than any player we’ve ever had.
2. Matt Stevens, FS. Tim once relayed to me that he tried to name BRB “Shaking Matt Stevens,” but it was vetoed as being too obscure. It wouldn’t have been the least bit obscure to Texans fans, however, who still remember Matt Stevens as the poster child for blown coverage, failed tackles, and general shittiness. He apparently was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident, but, contrary to popular belief, this occurred after he left the Texans organization. (I’m going to Hell.)
1. DeMarcus “Petey” Faggins, CB. Wow…where to start? It’s not like Faggins suckiness in 2007 was a sudden change of course — he’d sucked badly enough in previous seasons that I spent most of last preseason screaming (in written form) that he should not be starting. Then came the Atlanta game. Ugh. I know the whole story of “he’s a pretty decent nickel corner” and, while that might have been true at one point, moving him back to nickel last year didn’t really help his play. Still, I wonder how true the idea that he was a good third corner is. He was playing with some pretty subpar secondaries throughout his days as NCB, so it’s just as likely that the QBs were picking on other players a lot of the time. Either way, Petey sucked at some level then, sucks horrifically now, and wins the honor of the Suckiest Suck to ever Suck. I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.
Also receiving votes: Jerry DeLoach, Lewis Sanders, Marlon McCree.
**All stats courtesy of Pro Football Reference.
Top 5 Worst Decisions By Texans Brass
Jun 20, 2008 2002 Draft, 2004 Draft, Anger, Awfulness, Bad Idea Jeans, Sandy Vag, Top 5, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts
As we continue channeling my inner Rob Gordon, we turn to another not-so-pleasant list of memories: the top 5 all-time front office fuck-ups. I promise to move on to something positive at some point, but that ain’t today, bitches.
(H/T to Dave for the topic idea.)
5. Signing Todd Wade. In 2004, we gave this turd a 6-year, $30MM contract with $10MM signing bonus. Over the next two seasons, he received just over $12MM in salary and bonuses. In that same timeframe, he contributed roughly $48 worth of actual quality gameplay.
4. Refusing to employ a 3-4 NT in a 3-4 Defense. You know, I liked Seth Payne. You probably liked Seth Payne. Seth Payne was a seemingly nice dude and he worked his ass off. In a 4-3, defense, that kind of attitude and work ethic might have paid big dividends. In a 3-4, when you are only 303 lbs, that kind of effort is necessary to stay afloat. Sam Adams, Casey Hampton, Jamal Williams–these are 3-4 NTs. Seth Payne was not, yet we never ever got one, despite running that D for 4+ years. I hate you Dom Capers.
3. Trading back to take Travis Johnson over Derrick Johnson. Man…just…I mean…FUCK. Derrick Johnson was the dude I wanted most in that draft, he was sitting RIGHT THERE, and we decide to say, “nah, fuck it, let’s take this other Johnson.” Great. And then that Other Johnson turns out to be a retard dickhead who hasn’t lived up to his potential at all. AWESOME. HAPPY DAYS. I’M MOVING ON BEFORE SOMEONE DIES.
2. The David Carr Experience. I had about three different, Carr-specific decisions for this list, but I figured I’d just lump them together and give him the penultimate place on this list. Let’s see–passing over Julius Peppers–who was an obvious monster–to take a Fresno State pretty boy with a meddling daddy? Letting him “play” for five seasons, despite a mountain of evidence piling up that he was either too shell-shocked or too shitty to play the position? Watching him seem oblivious to his own shittiness and grin like a retard even after losses? Keeping him around for an additional $8MM roster bonus as some sort of reclamation project for Kubiak? Wow, Dave. Thanks for the memories. May you burn in hell.
1. Trading for Phillip Buchanon. On the surface, for a moment or three, this seemed like a decent move by the Texans. I mean, the pricetag was high (a 2d and a 3d), but Buchanon had shown the ability to be a top-flight corner, and now we had him. Of course, any love and admiration for P.Buch evaporated like a wet fart in August once he took the field and displayed a complete inability to tackle anyone. At all. Ever. I still have nightmares of his attempted “tackle” against Pittsburgh.
Also receiving votes: The continued employment of Petey Faggins, the cost of Jason Babin, throwing multiyear money at Ahman Green, and 94% of the other decisions made by Casserly/Capers
Kickoff
Jun 17, 2008 2008 Season, Awfulness, Colvin, History, I really dig my readers, Inflamed body parts, Kickoff, Preseason 2008
Why did your mom misspell “Roosevelt?”. The newest Houston Texan will be answering questions sometime today in a video interview on HT.com. You can email questions for the interview by following that link. (h/t Eric)
Variations on a theme. Colvin’s video interview on NFL.com. Worth watching if only for the two hits he puts on Manning. Besides, if his athleticism doesn’t excite you (*cough*Solis*cough*), you have no soul. (h/t Eric…again)
Let’s go camping! Tim mentioned this already, but the team has announced the dates of open practices during training camp and, like always, you can get your tickets at local Wachovia banks beginning July 9. Barring something totally unforeseen (like, say, winning the lottery or killing a rich relative), I shan’t be attending this year. Of course, I didn’t technically attend last year, either. Stop laughing, jerks.
I used to root for who???
May 28, 2008 Awfulness, BFD's Real Doll, Bloggerating, You remind me of ____, You'd like to think I was joking
So, I have been spending some time lately doing some spring cleaning. As a long-time pack rat, getting rid of my old sports magazines - which date back to 1977 - has been interesting.
Today, I ran across a cover with Tony Rice, RB, ND, on an old Sporting News.
And it got me thinking: who was my most embarassing man-crush? IOW, who was it that I cheered for relentlessly when they turned out to be a total scrub?
Now, as a grown man, I’m not prone to man-crush-itis, so childhood fave and accomplished wife beater Cesar Cedeno doesn’t count.
Sadly, some of you rooted for Zoolander Jackson like that. No, I never really did cuz I never thought he was worth a shit and was a horrible pick from the start.
Here’s mine: Michael “Puppy Master” Vick. Yes, it’s true. I thought he was all that and a bag of extra crunchy Cheetos where all the Cheetos look like Abraham Lincoln. I loves athletic QBs in the Randall Cunningham mode, and I thought for sure even *he* would be able to pick up enough of the offensive playbook to destroy opposing defenses. Alas, he sucked. Badly.
So, as we hear about Matt’s adventures with beer, who was your embarassing man-crush?
Wormser is a master of aerodynamics.
May 22, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Alex Gibbs, Awesomeness, Awfulness, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Gary Kubiak might be high, Please let the season start soon, Roster, Training camp 2008
One of the odder things about me,1 especially to people who have only known me for a relatively short time, is that I spent nearly two years working in a daycare. Even more strange, however, is that I still count that one as my favorite job I’ve ever had. During the school year, I would drive the (short) bus and take the school-age kids to their respective elementary schools, then spend the rest of the day in the three-year-old room, quietly crafting my unholy toddler army. But that is a story for a different day.
During the summer, however, I abandoned my post as three-year-old assistant teacher and was full-time in the school-age room. For the most part, I was responsible for driving us on field trips, delivering some kids to the community swimming program, and making sure no one got killed (which is harder than it sounds when you are the one wanting some of them to die). I also spent a great deal of time dominating nine-year-olds at basketball (on an 8-foot goal!) and wiffle ball. Those were the salad days.
Part of our summer program included something called Outdoor Teaching Activities, which we predictably shortened to OTAs. Ostensibly a way to teach the kids about science and nature, these were really nothing more than having them measure wind speed with bubbles or guess how many helium balloons it would take to lift object X five feet off the ground. Maybe they learned something, maybe they didn’t, but it got them outside and kept us (the teachers) sane. Plus, there is nothing more entertaining than watching a kid who throws like Lamar when he is on flat ground try to throw while standing on a balance beam. High comedy there.
ANYWAY, the point is that, to this day, when I hear “OTAs,” even in a Texans context, my mind does not go to 7-on-7 football and cone drills. Instead, I immediately picture Charles Spencer lighting leaves on fire with a magnifying glass and Zac Diles standing on top of a jungle gym with a bubble wand. I am nothing if not strange.
My own mental issues aside, however, OTAs continue in Texanland, entirely devoid of four-leaf clover searches and sidewalk chalk. And, as a blogger, I suppose I should get off my lazy ass2 and mention them. First up, some choice quotes (and my less-than-choice reactions) from that font of wisdom and geyser of information, Gary Kubiak.
(on the possibility of a healthy QB Matt Schaub, RB Ahman Green and WR Andre Johnson) “Well, it means a great deal. Y’all saw how we played offensively when Ahman was available because he just brings a new dimension, and I think what we’re doing running the ball with Alex (Gibbs), I think Ahman’s really a nice fit with that and I think he’s gaining confidence in what we’re doing. The health of the football team’s important across the board, not just those three, but those three are pretty darn important.”
Not gonna lie to you, Gar…this isn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear. My hope was that you would say “Ahman? Ahman who? Oh, you mean that guy we are going to cut June 1? Yeah, F him.” In retrospect, I was probably hoping for too much, both from him last year and from you in this quote, but still.
Seriously, though, (1) I don’t see Green staying healthy and (2) I REALLY don’t see him thriving in the new system. His field vision is good enough, but methinks there are too many miles on those old legs to really get the explosive cuts that make the system effective.
Kubiak again:
(on the role of DE Anthony Weaver) “I think it could actually pick up for him because he’s healthy. He’s going through the offseason and he’s feeling as good as he’s ever felt. You always have to rotate D-linemen. I think maybe we’ll get a little more out of Anthony than last year just because we’re getting a good offseason out of him.”
Phew, that’s good. I was worried that we’d get less out him than last year. What’s that? There’s nothing less than zero? Oh…yeah…I suppose you are right.
Yes, yes, I know he was coming off a shoulder injury, so I will cut him a little slack. But when you are the highest paid player on the team, you only get so much slack. I really hope he does contribute like I thought he would when we signed him, because that would give us a monster D-line. I’m just not going to hold my breath here and I won’t be surprised one bit if BFD’s prediction of Chaun Thompson as a situational DE limits Weaver’s impact.
Other news and notes from the first three days of OTAs:
- **Unlike last year, the Texans website is no longer pluralizing OTA as OTA’s. This makes me exceedingly happy. And, because I wrote this last year, I am going to take credit for the change. Viva me!
- **DGDB&D whipping boy Petey Faggins is back and he’s mad! OK, not “mad,” really. More like, “hoping to still be on the team come opening day.” Says the seventh-year pro, “I just remembered all the good things that happened and got my confidence back up.” No offense, Pete, but I searched my memory long and hard for good things that happened to you and all I could come up with was you losing your starting job after the Chargers game.
- **I have a theory. If you face this everyday in practice, Kyle Vanden Bosch starts to look as intimidating as a midget driving a VW Beetle:
- **Finally, and as BFD mentioned, Andre Johnson is still on the shelf following minor knee surgery. It sounds crazy, but the health of that knee is likely the difference between 7-9 and 10-6. He is THAT important to the offense, as we saw over and over again last year. Here’s hoping he’s 100% come September.
1 Which, if you know me, is really saying something.
2 Figuratively, of course. Because who would type standing up?
