DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Back in the comments to this post, I wrote the following in response to socctty’s post:

Thanks. I was actually wondering what the FO numbers were. I want to respond to this in a new post, but that will likely be later today.

Well, replace “today” with “this summer” and here we are.  Rather than just drone by myself, though, I emailed with socctty, posing my own questions regarding the numbers.  Here’s the back and forth.  First, my email.

First off, like I think I mentioned, I admit that the FO numbers do not look good for Morlon.  And I love what the FO project (for lack of a better term) is about; the changes sabermetrics has brought to baseball analysis would be more than welcome in the football world.  That said, and at the risk of sound disingenuous (or, worse, sounding like one of those “VY is better than stats” fans), I do have a couple questions/concerns about FO’s methodology, at least as it pertains to defensive players.

Let me back up, though.  FO is based on “The Hidden Game of Football,” right?  Well, it’s been a while since I read that, but I do recall a large portion of the beginning of that book talking about how football differed from baseball, in that the latter was linear and each action was more or less independent of other actions.  I believe the quote was “baseball is a thread; football is a fabric.”  Now, I do think that FO has done a great job of extrapolating from the lessons of that book and creating ways to better evaluate certain players and teams as a whole, but here’s concern #1:

While people who touch the ball (”skill” positions and returners) have enough measurable attributes to allow for in-depth analysis (yards, TDs, what-have-you), I feel like defensive players, especially in the running game, are hard to measure.  As someone said in the comments to that post, if a run is supposed to go outside, but Morlon seals the edge and then DeMeco blows the guy up as he’s looking for a new hole, does FO account for that?  Can anyone really account for that sort of thing?  Second, if Morlon is responsible for the running back in a passing route (fairly common for his position) and the QB decides to run left, Morlon can’t break coverage until the QB crosses the line of scrimmage, so it is going to be pretty hard for him to stop someone like Vince before the QB gets 4.5 yards (success on first down).  How is that accounted for?

And, since I am asking so many questions of you, I’ll try to answer some of the ones you posted.

“Shouldn’t a weak side backer have more than 1 sack, 1 hit, and 3 hurries on the season?”  In theory, yes, though that as tempered by (a) Richard Smith never, ever blitzing with Morlon (something I screamed about all last season) and (b) in a non-blitz situation, getting to the QB is going to be Greenwood’s third responsibility on every play.  First, read the fullback and pick up the run.  Second, pick up the FB or RB in the flat or in the short zone in the passing game.  Third, if neither the first or second option applies, get after the QB.  Without looking, I can’t know for sure, but I imagine the third scenario doesn’t happen a whole lot.  Also, when the RB flares to the strongside, if Morlon reads the play correctly from the snap, he’s going to cut straight across the field, behind his own D-line, rather than try to get the QB before a dump pass and then have to chase the RB from behind.

“Why was he targeted so many pass plays?” Because the way he’s used in our system, he’s covering as described above as well as filling the middle zone when DeMeco blitzes.  It would be odd if Greenwood didn’t have the most passes thrown at him of the three LB positions.

One final thought:  Including Thompson and Bentley in the SAM statistics for last year doesn’t work because they were both playing for other teams.  If you replace them with Diles and anyone else who got snaps over there, do we know what the numbers were?

Socctty’s reply:

You know what, that’s a good point with the “sealing the edge” scenario. In that sort of instance, I’m not sure how Football Outsiders would score it. Generally speaking though, they consider the strong side of the field the SAM linebacker’s responsibility. So when a running back blows past him and gets tackled by DeMeco 6 yards later, they credit DeMeco with the tackle and “credit” Morlon with allowing 6 yards on the play (unless he was taken out by a pulling guard or something).

For a lot of the metrics, you’re right that these statistics aren’t always applicable - it would be best to compare Morlon to other SAM backers in 4-3 defenses, and at that point you start limiting the pool of players you can compare him to. It’s probably not fair to compare him to WILL or MIKE backers as a hard and fast rule. Nevertheless, tackling is a basic skill any linebacker should have, and when they rank in the 90s out of 99 total players, it doesn’t reflect well on them.

In virtually every metric FO uses to score linebackers, Morlon scored poorly last year, so it’s hard to believe that there’s some unique skill he has that isn’t being measured in a given statistic. He has a successful play on passes (previously defined) only 38% of the time (average is around 50%; he scored 80th amongst LBs). He was the worst in the league amongst qualifying players on running plays in Run Stop Rate, and 96th in the league on rushing yards allowed per play. So it’s not as if there’s some vague, obscure, fluke category that he’s scoring poorly in. It’s pretty much across the board.

What’s interesting is that the year before last, Morlon did pretty well for himself. (Looking back at Pro Football Prospectus 2007 was interesting; at the end of this I’ll type up some of the things they said) Check out this attached web page for a table I put together. As you’ll see, Morlon regressed across the board in every single statistical category.

As for a “control” player, DeMeco was virtually identical in every single category from 2007 to 2008. This tells us that the statistics are not prone to random variations, and that they reflect players’ performances pretty accurately. Morlon stank it up last year.

Now, we can attribute Morlon’s stats to a lot of things: Smith deciding blitzing was out of fashion; something to do with Travis Johnson getting more reps; Smith switching to more zone coverage after Dunta went down… we could go on. But I think all of that adds up to a lot of apologizing. In the end, I think we have a 30 year old linebacker who was, at his best, average, and now he’s 30. Maybe it was an off-year. I think it’s a sign of things to come.

All that being said, though, there is of course value in what passes the “eye” test. These stats only reflect part of what the game charters’ eyes have seen. We have to assume the linebackers coach and the defensive co-ordinator and the head coach and the general manager see something they like in the guy, so I’m not ready to start lumping him with the Petey Faggins of the world. I won’t start lumping him with the “most underrated players in the league” crowd, either.

PFP2007 notes on the Texans (this was going in to the 2007 year):
- With regards to sacks: “Don’t be discouraged - every other number says (Mario) Williams had an excellent rookie season.” They go on to cite how he was a beast against the run, hiding the horrible performance of the DTs.
- “Williams’s only weakness is that he does not have Julius Peppers-like versatility in pass coverage, something the Texans exacerbated by getting too cute with zone blitzes.”
- On the LB corps: “Ryans was like a piece of filet mignon sandwiched between two slices of moldy pumpernickel.” They said more or less the same thing in PFP2008.
- “The Houston secondary is a festival of replacement-level talent with one bright exception, cornerback Dunta Robinson… as for the rest of these veterans, there’s no reason to waste a paragraph delineating shades of mediocrity.”
- “The Texans drafted cornerback Fred Bennett in the fourth round, and he has extreme strengths and weaknesses. He’s a tall, athletic leaper with great cover skills, but he doesn’t like contact and can’t tackle.”

This year they rave about a possible Okam-Okoye combo.

Me again:

Interesting point regarding Morlon’s slide from 2006 to 2007, if only because he appeared (again, it’s that “eye” test) to play better last year than he had the year before.  I do think you are on to something with the idea that what we got out of him over the past two years is likely the high point, which is why I’ve been fine with the idea of grooming Adibi to take that role.  And, really, if Adibi overtakes him this year based on performance, I’ll be fine with it.

Yeah, I was overreaching by lumping him into the “most underrated in the league” category.  I admit that.  A more accurate assessment would have been “underappreciated by his own fans.”

I guess my biggest problem with relying on the numbers, even the more logical ones created by FO and guys like KC Joyner, goes back to my initial point that it is inherently difficult (at best) to quantify the performance of guys who aren’t carrying the ball.  The ball dictates evaluation of those guys, right (i.e. the running back DVOA is not based so much on how he picks up blocks or carries out a play-fake, but totally in his performance when he has the ball, right?)  Even when you break the defense down and watch each play, without knowing the actual defensive call, it is hard to say whether a guy was successful in what he did.  For all we know, a WLB could be credited with a failure because the ball was rushed to his zone, even in a situation where the WLB’s responsibility on that particular play wasn’t that zone.

Granted, those situations are probably rare, and maybe they are so few as to not impact the overall numbers.  I’m speculating here, mainly just for the sake of playing Devil’s Advocate.

The other question I had was whether the methodology seems to favor or disfavor certain positions?  Like, for example, how are Lance Briggs and Ernie Sims (the two “playmaking” WLBs people mentioned) compared to DeMeco or Patrick Willis?  My guess is that MLBs are always going to rate higher, especially in the run game, because there’s not much room for a running back to get around them when he comes up the middle.  On the other hand, if the O-line seals the end, so that the RB winds up one on one with a WLB, the RB has some room to operate.  Dunno…just more thinking out loud.

And his final reply:

The DVOA numbers only count towards players with the ball or players for whom the ball was intended. And things are taken into consideration, such as receivers who give up on a ball - each throw, for incompletion is marked with a “why” (Hit in Motion, Tipped Ball, Overthrown, etc.)

However, they also score things like blown blocks for running backs in blitz-pickup.

Anyway your point probably does hold some water: there are stats that they keep that are more valid than other stats they keep, and at any rate, they should (like any stat) be viewed in their proper context. One could argue that the FO stats’ main benefits are that they inherently have more context in and of themselves. But yes, there are simply things that they can’t measure.

With regard to the defense’s call, you can actually tell a lot. You can see if they are in cover-1 or cover 2 before the snap; you can of course see if they are in a 3-4 or a 4-3; before the snap you can get a pretty good idea if it’s zone or man, and after the snap there is no doubt (with a hat-tip to TiVo).

Keep in mind that defensive players are never measured in DVOA; only the defense as a whole is.

As far as WLB versus MLB vs LILB-in-a-3-4, etc, as far as pure numbers (counting stats) go, it’s probably best to compare WLB to WLB and LILB in a 3-4 to other LILB in a 3-4. But generally speaking, you can look at rate (or percentage) stats to glean a comparison, provided that the sample size is significant enough. 99th out of 99 isn’t probably very far away from 78th out of 99, but when you show up in the 90s out of 99 in two different statistical categories, and pretty much in the lower third in every other category, it doesn’t look too good for you.

Reading over the 2007 book, I found this nugget also: “Screen passes and dumpoffs are marked as Uncovered unless a defender (normally a linebacker) is obviously shadowing that specific receiver on the other side of the line of scrimmage.”

Soooo…yeah.  I hope that sheds a little light on the sabermetric side of the discussion.  Feel free to chime in with your own thoughts/questions/hate mail in the comments.

**************************************

Now, for the housekeeping:

1. Based on discussions like the above, bfd and I have added socctty to the DGDB&D family.  I have no idea how much he plans to post or what topics he might cover, but I am really excited about the added statistical analysis.  The goal from the start with this blog has been two-fold—entertain and offer some info/analysis that you can’t get elsewhere.  This addition is a huge step in the second direction.

2. In the spirit of the above, I thought I would mention that we are always willing (hoping?) to publish Texans-related stuff written by anyone (other than Douchebag Tom), provided it meets one of the two qualities above (the whole entertain/inform thing).  It’s not an open audition or anything, but if you want to write a guest post, hammer something out and send it to one of us.  We can’t make you famous, we offer no pay, and we can’t promise that people won’t make fun of you in the comments, but…uh…there might be some reason why it still sounds fun.

3. I am leaving tomorrow morning for a weekend get-a-way with the wifey.  So, if you want to read anything new, pester bfd.  I’m assuming he’s not planning on running a liveblog for this game, but I do want to use the CoverItLive software for regular season liveblogs (the same setup we used during the draft).  Two questions: 1. Is there enough interest that it won’t just be me and grungedave making the same jokes every week?  2. Any music requests?

***************************************

DGDB&D Fantasy Football Update.

Currently on board: Me, Lee, grungedave, socctty, DisplaceTexan, Dan B., DeMecoShall…, and abumnamedPaul.  That’s 8.  Am I missing anyone?  What days of the week are best for a live draft?

Better 40-time than Buzz Aldrin. My internet connection is slow at work [fucking county government -ed.], so I can’t get a good read at what is going on in this video.  My guess is that NASA wants a bad motherfucker to go to Mars and they are recruiting DeMeco.  It’s either that or something to do with Liberty White Liftoff.  Dunno.

Banner?  I barely even know ‘er! I mentioned it off-hand in my 100K post (go look for yourself if you don’t believe me), but thanks to Liston the Houston Banner offered to let me write a little Texans content. OK, technically, it was “sports content” in general, but I don’t write about basketball and I’m not an Astros fan, so it’s football time in Houston. Or something like that. Here is the Banner’s website, though they don’t have the July articles posted yet. If you want a hard copy (though I can’t imagine why you would), you can pick one up in and around Northwest H-town.

Finally.  Another “Create Your Own Caption” photo:

(bfd edit: A gift from Eric to Lee.  I was at this game!)

10. He inspired the following as recently as last October:

When you watch Cedric Benson run the football you’re struck by two contrasting traits. He doesn’t go out of his way to make people miss, preferring to try and run people over, and he doesn’t seem to run the ball very hard. It’s hard enough to pull off the first thing in the NFL under any circumstances but impossible when you don’t run into the line like a runaway train. Too often, Benson appears to go down at first contact and appears to be missing the assertiveness you need to be a successful NFL running back.

9. He was so disliked by his teammates in Chicago that “about ten” Bears defensive players tried to hurt him in practice.  I would prefer Mario to continue trying to murder opposing QBs and not have him disembowel a teammate.

8. He is coming off a season-ending broken leg that required a plate in his lower leg, near his ankle.  Maybe it is completely healed with no lingering after-effects, but do you really want to take that chance?  Do you REALLY want to risk having him make the roster, only to then find out, oops, I guess it wasn’t totally perfect?  Because, maybe I am old fashioned, but I think we’ve got enough injury questions in our backfield as it is.

7. He is a summa cum laude (loud?) graduate of the Fred Smoot School of Nautical Recreation.

6. According to beef,

this guy me and some friends met at a party, who went to UT, and played with C-bong at Midland Lee [...] said that everyone on Lee’s team hated his guts because he was such a prick, and all he cared about were his numbers [...] and he was a whiny finger-pointer.  Anyway, the dude said that he had several other friends on UT’s team, and when he’d tell them he was from Lee, they’d bring up how much everyone on UT’s team hated his ass too for the same shit.  You could also tell it from watching their games.  He’d always be standing by himself on the sidelines and no one would ever come up to him for congratulatory or “keep your head up” comments.

Is that nothing but hearsay?  You bet.  But it’s fully admissible in the Court of Matt Fucking Hates You.

5. His boat parties don’t end well.  “Yeah, yeah…suuuuure you weren’t drinking.”

4. About a month after deciding boating wasn’t for him, he took the same strategy to the open road, only with fewer hoes and no bag of Sun Chips.  This fantastic story ends with a court-ordered breathalyzer ignition lock.  So I’m guessing the judge didn’t buy the excuses.

3. The idea that he can fall forward for 4 yards a pop is tenuous at best, considering he fell forward for 3.4 YPC last year before tearing his mangina breaking his leg.  He did manage 4.1 YPC in 2006.  You know who else managed 4.1 in 2006?  Ron “Meringue” Dayne.  And Dayne had 4.0 YPC in 2007.  And he did it all without endangering the public, eating Sun Chips with hoes, or getting arrested multiple times.

2. According to the Chicago Sun-Times,

The worst part of it is that Benson isn’t a viable reserve because he doesn’t pass block, play special teams, or help on third downs. He could be low on the depth chart (emphasis added).

I’m guessing that could be a problem as we break in a rookie LT and try to keep Matt Schaub upright all year.  Just sayin’.

1. He’s not a good fit for a true zone blocking system.  Thomas Jones was the cut-back style runner on the Bears and he was shipped to New York because the Bears thought Benson’s “pounding” (and I use that term as loosely as it can be employed) style was a better fit for them.  He doesn’t have the speed to get the outside zone consistently (and he runs upright on outside runs), yet he lacks the vision to properly cut back and go. And I’m not the only one who says this stuff:

If there’s one thing we know post-trade, it’s that the Bears offensive line was suspect/borderline shitty last season too.  Their inability to open solid running lanes was masked by the cut-back running style of Thomas Jones.  When Jones took the hand-off from Grossman and realized his blockers hadn’t cleared any space, he was able to manufacture extra yardage.  Even then, he still danced around the backfield too often and was never able to break off any long runs.

So it should be no surprise that Benson is struggling.  He is strictly a straight-ahead, power runner; if the hole isn’t open, he’s not going anywhere.  I’ve seen better run blocking from plastic lineman on an electric football table than what the Bears have shown this year.

I don’t know why I keep quoting Tim, other than it is just a cheap form of lede for my posts and I am all about taking the easy way out.  THAT SAID, Tim once told me that no man over the age of, I believe, 21 was allowed to wear a jersey in public.

Now, that is certainly debateable.  Still, if I may offer some advice to person in this pic I took today, I think when your options are following Tim’s advice or wearing the jersey of a disgraced alleged sex offender, you should probably side with Timmy.  No matter how big a Packers fan you are.

On a related note, it is REALLY hard to get a picture of someone surreptitiously out your drivers’ side window as you roll past them without said picture being dark and/or blurry.

On an unrelated note, that’s a whole lot of pics/videos for you people today, relatively speaking.  Don’t go getting spoiled or anything.

As we continue channeling my inner Rob Gordon, we turn to another not-so-pleasant list of memories: the top 5 all-time front office fuck-ups.  I promise to move on to something positive at some point, but that ain’t today, bitches.
(H/T to Dave for the topic idea.)

5. Signing Todd Wade. In 2004, we gave this turd a 6-year, $30MM contract with $10MM signing bonus.  Over the next two seasons, he received just over $12MM in salary and bonuses.  In that same timeframe, he contributed roughly $48 worth of actual quality gameplay.

4. Refusing to employ a 3-4 NT in a 3-4 Defense.  You know, I liked Seth Payne.  You probably liked Seth Payne.  Seth Payne was a seemingly nice dude and he worked his ass off.  In a 4-3, defense, that kind of attitude and work ethic might have paid big dividends.  In a 3-4, when you are only 303 lbs, that kind of effort is necessary to stay afloat.  Sam Adams, Casey Hampton, Jamal Williams–these are 3-4 NTs.  Seth Payne was not, yet we never ever got one, despite running that D for 4+ years. I hate you Dom Capers.

3. Trading back to take Travis Johnson over Derrick Johnson.  Man…just…I mean…FUCK.  Derrick Johnson was the dude I wanted most in that draft, he was sitting RIGHT THERE, and we decide to say, “nah, fuck it, let’s take this other Johnson.”  Great.  And then that Other Johnson turns out to be a retard dickhead who hasn’t lived up to his potential at all.  AWESOME.  HAPPY DAYS.  I’M MOVING ON BEFORE SOMEONE DIES.

2. The David Carr Experience.  I had about three different, Carr-specific decisions for this list, but I figured I’d just lump them together and give him the penultimate place on this list.  Let’s see–passing over Julius Peppers–who was an obvious monster–to take a Fresno State pretty boy with a meddling daddy?  Letting him “play” for five seasons, despite a mountain of evidence piling up that he was either too shell-shocked or too shitty to play the position?  Watching him seem oblivious to his own shittiness and grin like a retard even after losses?  Keeping him around for an additional $8MM roster bonus as some sort of reclamation project for Kubiak?  Wow, Dave.  Thanks for the memories.  May you burn in hell.

1. Trading for Phillip Buchanon.  On the surface, for a moment or three, this seemed like a decent move by the Texans.  I mean, the pricetag was high (a 2d and a 3d), but Buchanon had shown the ability to be a top-flight corner, and now we had him.  Of course, any love and admiration for P.Buch evaporated like a wet fart in August once he took the field and displayed a complete inability to tackle anyone.  At all.  Ever.  I still have nightmares of his attempted “tackle” against Pittsburgh.

Also receiving votes: The continued employment of Petey Faggins, the cost of Jason Babin, throwing multiyear money at Ahman Green, and 94% of the other decisions made by Casserly/Capers

Is this thing on? I’ll be damned if I can find any Texans news worth linking to this morning.  We have officially hit the summer doldrums, aka “the time of year when we are forced to talk to family.”  Damn. Because there is no news, I am just going to link to a bunch of random funny stuff.

Like the real thing, only smarter. You know what you need?  A Dom Capers bobblehead doll.  The description doesn’t say whether the doll comes with an inability to coach offense, but it seems so life-like I assume it would have to. 

Not so much funny, as awesome.  Sticking with the bobbleheads for a second, here is an Andre Johnson Draft Day ‘head.  I’ve never even seen this before.  Of course, it’s going for $54.99, so it ain’t cheap, but nothing good ever is.

Ice, Ice Baby. I know I’ve linked to this once before, but MJD’s take on David Carr being “too cool to QB” still makes me laugh.

Wasn’t me. Brandon Jones, another WR that Vince Young has little use for, was arrested for trying to take a gun through airport security.  Said the flanker, “uh, yeah…I, um, grabbed the wrong bag.  I meant to grab my suitcase and, instead, grabbed the bag where I haphazardly keep my LOADED firearms.”

Parting shot.  My wife, after reading the long post on the 4-3: “You make football sound like it takes thought to play it.  I read the first two paragraphs, but the rest are sounding like the teacher in a Peanuts cartoon.”

I’m just gonna throw this out there so that it is preserved for Saturday: There is no chance in hell that the Texans take Aqib Talib. The dude had THREE marijuana test failures (including one he claims was not a big deal because he admitted before he took the test that he was going to fail it!), has a reputation for being a cocky dickhead, AND his form as a cover corner (most notably in the hips) is flawed.

No way, no how; if the other three corners are off the board when 18 rolls around, we’ll go another direction.

So there.

Gary Kubiak: (on phone) …uh-huh…yep…really, him? OK…no, that’s fine…I just didn’t…I didn’t know he was Catholic…I’ll tell him. (hangs up, dials Travis Johnson’s cell phone)

Travis Johnson: (singing) And IiiiIiiiiIiiiiiIIIIIIiiiiieieeeee, will always LOVE youuuuuuuuuu, IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuu… (answers phone) ‘Sup, coach?

Kubiak: Hey, Trav. How’s it going? I just got a call from the strangest person.

Johnson: You mean someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese? That’s not so weird; I get that all the time.

Kubiak: (sighing) No, Travis…not someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese. I have no idea–nevermind. Anyway, I got a call from the Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate.

Johnson: The fuck is an oblate?

Kubiak: You know, the people who provide priests for your church here in Houston? Shit…ANYWAY, it seems that the Pope is in the U.S. and he wants to invite you to have an audience with him. This is quite an honor, Trav, and–quite frankly–I am petrified that you will do something monumentally stupid and turn every Mexican in Texas against us. Please don’t fuck this up. Please?

Johnson: Shit, baby…it’s all to the good. I loves me some Pope.

(later that evening, in the rectory of St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Houston)

Johnson: Hi, Mr. Pope. Nice hat, dawg.

Pope Benedict: Hello, Travis. God bless you.

Johnson: So, what’s up, man? What’s good? What’s the word? (does elaborate, thirty-eight step handshake, points to the sky)

Pope: (looking startled) I…I…well, it is certainly wonderful to meet you, Travis. Father McHale tells me that you are setting a wonderful example for Catholic youth in Texas. He says that you–

Johnson: Oh, hell yeah, dawg! I be doin’ all sorts of shit fo’ the little kiddies. Why, just the other day, I took ten kids to the Mall to let them watch me buy some shoes.

Pope: I’m sorry? Do you mean you bought them shoes?

Johnson: Shit, no, man. I bought ME some shoes and I told them, “y’all practice hard and, someday, you’ll be able to afford all these shoes fo’ yo’ damn selves.” They were feelin’ me.

Pope: (looks slightly frightened and confused) You…bought yourself shoes…I…I don’t know what to say.

Johnson: I know, right?! Shit was great, dog!

Pope: (suddenly rethinking the entire meeting, changes subject) Tell me, son, is there a prayer you would like to say with me?

Johnson: Nah, dawg. I’m good.

Pope: Well, perhaps there is something you’d like blessed?

Johnson: Wait…whatchu sayin’? That you can give, like, super Jesus powers to something?

Pope: Not exactly, my son, but I can bless you or someone you love.

Johnson: Fo’ real?

Pope: Yes.

Johnson: Fo’ really real?

Pope: (sighing) Yes.

Johnson: Awwwww, SNAP! (unzips pants) Bless this, Pope.

Pope: What?!!

Johnson: Look, here’s the deal. I gots these two dudes on my team–Will Demps and, uh, this other Ivy League brotha we just signed–and they are both packin’ some SERIOUS dick, Pope. And, to make matters worse, they are both pulling more ass than a Texas Mormon, ya dig? So, I’s thinkin’ that, if you blessed my little Osceola, I could use my Jesus Dong to compete with those two.

Pope: (aghast)

Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope)

Pope: (frightened)

Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope.) Man, you gonna sit there slack-jawed like some motherfuckin’ Trent Green or you gonna holify my shit?

Pope: (looks for nearest exit, making blessing motion in Travis’ general direction) Ego contemno meus vita.

Johnson: (zipping up pants) Now THAT’S what I be talkin’ about, ya heard! 20 minutes ago, I had a lot of respect for the Pope. Now, I’m all like, HELLZ YEAH, THE POPE IS THE SHIZZNIT, BABY!!!! Vatican City in the house! Florida State in the house! My holy dick in the house!!!

Pope: (scurries out the side door)

Travis: (yelling after him) Yo, dawg, I’ma give my cell number to that dude out front in the big red hat! Holla at a playa if you are back in town! Tell Jesus I said what’s up!

In what is almost certainly an oversight destined to get someone fired, NBCSports.com has asked me and BFD to represent the Texans in their mock draft.  I don’t want to give away too much, but I will just say that there are some names that might slip to us that would make you very, very happy.

The draft should be posted, like, soon, or something.  By the 21st, I believe.

Here is where I will throw in my requisite “Just Say No” to Jonathan Stewart and Mike Jenkins.

In a move that will almost certainly bring the internets to a Hindenburg-like demise, the derelicts responsible for this blog present you, the reader, with…

DGDB&D: The Message Board!

That’s right, childrens, it’s a message board for (and by) readers of this little corner of the blogiverse.  I see it as Texans Talk, but without the pesky “rules.”  In fact, much like this place, the only rule is don’t be a complete douchebag (*cough*Tom*cough*).   Other that that, it should be like Lord of the Flies up in that bitch.

What are you waiting for?  Go login and post something!

As if you hadn’t noticed, I have REALLY been slacking off over here of late. I don’t have an excuse for it other than actual work at work is cutting into my sweet, sweet blogging time. I am contemplating lighting the place on fire just so I can get a vacation.

In any event, I’ll try to be better about it leading up to the draft. For now, allow me to bust out the old bulleted list.

• ***I have been fairly open about my hope that the Texans take a defensive tackle (read: Kentwan Balmer) at 18, followed by a DE in the third. Not to rehash old arguments, but my reasoning basically goes that a space-eating NT would make life easier for Amobi and Mario, thus making life easier on the secondary, AND I think Earl Cochran might have enough talent to become a rotational DE. All that said, I just took a peak at Anthony Weaver’s stats for the last two years and I am starting to think that the “Draft a DE first” crowd is on to something. One fucking sack in two years? Seriously?!? I mean, I knew the dude had been more or less invisible, but jesus titty fucking christ, even I could get one sack in two years. Hell, with Mario opposite him, Weaver should be able to vulture one or two sacks per year just by way of falling on QBs who are scrambling away from our good DE. And he’s the highest-paid Texans? Fantastic. I am getting angry…better move on.
• ***As first mention by new-BRBer, SOLIS, the Texans re-signed C.C. Brown. I’m of two minds about this. First, C.C. has basically been asstastic for most of his Texans tenure, so one wonders just why the team would throw dollars at him. On the other hand, though, his biggest problem (and the primary cause of his asstasticness) is not a lack of talent but a complete lack of understanding how to position himself. This being the case, C.C. might fall under the same “Ray Rhodes project” label as Jacques Reeves. In any event, I guess I like the idea of giving him a year under a good teacher before kicking him to the proverbial curb.
• ***Ray Rhodes cannot fix Petey Faggins. Jesus himself could not fix Petey Faggins. If Jesus and Durga had a baby and that baby married the current Dali Lama, the spawn of that relationship could not fix Petey Faggins.
• ***Someone emailed me this article from 2001 about Megan Manfull. Pretty boring shit, really; it’s the kind of stuff you would imagine in a fluff piece about “oooh, look, girls can write about sports, too!” What did stand out, however, was one quote from Manfull herself.
  

  ‘My mother taught me so much, Megan said. ‘I got started in seventh grade on our junior high newspaper. I thought it was fun, and I’d come home at night and she’d give me her lessons from her high school classes. I learned to put questions together and do interviews. I was the only junior high reporter turning in stories with quotes and sources in them.’

  See, kids, this what we call irony. Manfull’s memory of starting in print media was that she was the only one citing sources and using actual quotes and now she is part of a paper where such tactics are again missing. This isn’t so much “funny ha ha” as “funny sad,” I guess.

• ***Finally, in generic NFL news, the league approved a number of rule changes for next year. A couple are common sense stuff–FGs are now reviewable, teams can defer after winning a coin toss–but three could have some actual impact. First, one defensive player is allowed to have a radio in his helmet (aka The Spygate Rule). SOLIS already covered this one. Second, force outs have been eliminated, meaning that player has to land in-bounds for a ball to be complete, regardless of whether he was pushed out by the DB or not. This could be huge–larger, more physical corners will become more valuable; smaller, lighter WRs will be at a disadvantage along the sideline; and jump balls along the sides or in the endzone will become even less likely to be completed. Finally, the five-yard facemask penalty has been removed, meaning that incidental contact is ok, but that any twisting or turning of the head will be 15 yards if flagged. Other than Corky Johnson, our team plays pretty clean and smart on defense, so I think I like this change and that it will–if anything–benefit the guys in Battle Red.

Michael Huff, the versatile defensive back of the Oakland Raiders, is on the trading block (h/t to Jersey Bill). The 2005 Thorpe Award winner was a badass for the Longhorns (as are all Longhorns, natch), but the Raiders in their infinite wisdom decided to take a 4.34 guy and put him at SS. Ummm, yeah, that turned out to be a pretty bad idea (their experiment to insert Randy Moss as a blocking tight end didn’t work out well, either).

If there is a more humble group of people than the Raiders Nation, it could only be a clown car full of Gandhis, so let’s see what nice things they have to say about Huff:

Einstein says: “Huff reminds me of Najee Mustafa or Elvis Patterson. He sucks, how he even receives and NFL check is beyond me. And to think this waste of roster spot was a first round pick. What a complete bust. He is probably one of the biggest busts the Raiders have ever drafted.”

Bodiddly says: “The Raiders scouting department needs an overhaul,they have missed on more than they have hit.Look at the winning teams draft history and you will seldom see a safety drafted so high.Now the team is stuck with this player that is over paid due his high draft position.No team is likely to pay more than a bargain price for a player
in this salary category if he’s not an outstanding contributor.” (if a post ever needed the {sic} notation, this would be it}

Granted, there are a lot of commenters on this post who get it: Huff is a FS or CB, not a SS. As we have previously agreed, there often is not a huge difference between the FS and SS. However, with guys like Antonio Gates and Kellen Winslow in the league, covering and being able to tackle tight ends is an essential part of the job, one that Huff had difficulty in doing because of his size.

Perhaps the Raiders realize this. And, perhaps, with a roster already loaded with CBs like Fabian Washington, Stanford Routt, and Nnamdi Asomugha, the Raiders believe they have some depth (and salary) to trade.

In many ways, Huff would be a great pick up because of his versatility. If Dunta is 100%, Huff easily slides into FS. If Dunta loses a step, Huff sticks at corner and Dunta moves to FS.

There is a genuine question on if Huff can play CB in the NFL. At UT, he had a reputation as a hard, self-motivated worker, and that 4.34 speed doesn’t hurt, either (as a benchmark, Huff’s 4.34 would be 3rd for RBs and tops for WRs this year (DBs haven’t run yet). At 6′ and 205 lbs, he has good size, as well.

The bigger problem is, what would it take to grab the Nimitz High (and therefore Houston) native. It’s a huge contract on top of giving something up. The Raiders don’t exactly have a friendly trading history, either, with Al Davis a well-known trading asshole.

As for Brian Kelly? I vote for “Just say no.” First, he lost his starting job in TB to P-Buch. Secondly, he’s 32 and has obviously lost a step. Third, P-Buch took away his job. Finally, we don’t run the Cover 2, the defense he’s most familiar with and one that covers his weaknesses (aka, coverage and anything related) well.

————————

Just, holy crap. This is considered journalism? “And I wish each one of you could be here with me.” That’s really what it’s all about for you, isn’t it?

Whenever the traditional media shits on blogs for not following journalistic standards, think of this article.

——————-

Zach Thomas, thanks to {insert deity of your choice here}, signed with the Cowpokes. There’s just a poetic, ironic justice at work here. I wish both ZT and the ‘pokes a nice, downhill ride off into the sunset together. Actually, I take that back. I wish ZT a pleasant farewell. The cowboys. still. suck.

Bathroom at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, 10:45pm

Shannon Sharpe: Man…I really gotta take a thit. Thtupid airplane food.

(2 minutes later)

Sharpe: (singing to himself) Thwing loooowwww, thweet chariot, comin’ for to thumthin thumthin hoooome…

(Merril Hoge enters the next stall)

Hoge: Damn, son…that’s some FINE singin’. I love me an old-fashioned black spiritual. Makes me feel like I am back home in Idaho. Not that we had blacks…hey, who’s in there, anyway?

Sharpe: Thumone tryin’ to thit, dammit. Thut up and give a brotha thum peathe.

Hoge: Hooooo, boy! Listen to that lisp! You sound frutier than bag of Starburst, son! Wait…is that you, Vince?!? I always knew you’d sound gay!!! I’d ask you to toss me some toilet paper, but you couldn’t get it over here even if you wanted to. Isn’t that right, Mr. Overrated?

Sharpe: Motherfucker, ith me–Thannon Tharpe! Who the hell are you?

Hoge: It’s Merril. You know, ESPN Analyst Merril Hoge. Good lord, I never realized how gay you sound. If you’d have been tapping your foot there in the stall while you were singing, I’da thought you were hitting on me.

Sharpe: Whatever, man. Jethuth taught me to turn the other cheek and not hate juth becauth thumone ith diffent. (pauses, grunts, continues) Hey, thpeaking of hate, why the hell are you alwayth ripping on Vinthe? You jus make yourthelf thound ignurrant, cuz it thows you don unnerthand what he really bringth to hith team.

Hoge: What he brings to his team? You mean like twice as many INTs as TDs? (farts, laughs)

Sharpe: Thee! Thath what I am talk about! You mith the point–that he bringth intangimableth that thtupid thtatithticth can’t meathure!

Hoge: Please! That’s what everyone says, what’s that even mean? If the only thing he does well is stuff that can’t be measured, then how much stock can you put in the “intangibles?”

Sharpe: But he winth gameth!

Hoge: No, the Titans’ DEFENSE wins games. Their offensive line that turns shitheads like LenDale White into viable options wins games. Vince is just along for the ride and, if he manages not to screw shit up, gets all the credit for the win! How does that make any sense? But no matter how much I scream about it, people listen to you lisp about how great he is!

Sharpe: You are thuch an ignurrant hick. Taking all thothe hitth to the head mutht’ve methed you up. You thimply don’t know what you are talking about, becauth he ith that great. I mean, tho what if he can’t throw thirty yardth with accurathy? He ith deadly effithient on thothe eight yard dump offth. He creath playth with hith legth. He fortheth defentheth to adjutht. He hath a chanthe to be one of the betht dual-threat quarterbackth in hithtory. I’ve gotta be honetht, Merril–it really thoundth like thour grapeth, man. All you’ve done thince he wath drafted wath talk about how awful he ith.

Hoge: Maybe I am just sick of people making him into Jesus in Cleats! Maybe I fail to see what he does that is worth a first round pick, let alone a high first round pick. Or…maybe…

Sharpe: What ith it?

Hoge: Maybe I miss the old days, Shannon. The days when I could still play and quarterbacks were not supposed to run. That’s what the running backs were for. I miss the days when Neil O’Donnell was a god among men.

Sharpe: Neil O’Donnell wath never a god, Merril! Thath juth thtupid.

Hoge: You didn’t know Neil like I knew him, Shannon! No one did! See…NOW who is being the negative prick?!

(voice from the third stall)

Emmit Smith: Guys, guys, guys…let me be the void of return. All this negativosity is impending you from researching a mortgageable contraceptive.

Shannon: Oh, Jethuth Chritht.

When Matt asked if I would be interested in joining the clusterfuckery known as atexansblog.com, my first thought was, “Wow, he gets stoned at work. Sweet!” Well, it turns out I was wrong. He was drinking Guinness. But, I thought, if the thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters that live in the mind of Little Dickie Justice, age 11, can post on a blog about the Texans, then why can’t I? I figure, the bar has been set exceedingly low by the traditional media coverage of the Texans, and there’s really nowhere to go but up. Whatever I can do to add to the awesomeness of new media coverage, such as that provided by BattleRedBlog and Stephanie and this not-so-humble blog, among others, then all the better. In other words, my single-minded goal is to do no harm.

Because I love me as much as you love me, a couple of things. I’ve been an Oilers fan for literally as long as I remember and hate the cowpokes with an equal amount of enthusiasm. My grandparents were super-loaded, so my dad and I had season tickets every year. I saw some of the worst football in history in the mid-70s, and saw some of the best just a couple of years later. Even after all these years, I still have a large number of 45s from Oilers games (those are records for the kids out there), and I can tell you exactly where I was when we lost to the Bills. I died more than a little when Beelzebud moved the Oilers. When the Texans were resurrected, I went apeshit buying a bunch of Oilers tchotchkes off eBay. Wow, this is already too long, so heading into the lightning round….

I went to UT and am a proud ‘Horn. I make fun of the traditional media all the time because journalism is one of my 42 minors, and there’s no way they are held to any sort of standards. Blog readers do much more than the best editors, I can tell you. I also did a sports radio show for three years. I don’t get all giggly around athletes.

I really don’t know wtf I will add to this here blog, but I strongly believe that the community is just as, if not more, important than the authors. And with that, I end this post of self-wankery.

Lucifer, The Dark Lord, (nee Bud Adams): (as a booming disembodied voice) JEFFREY!!!!

Jeff Fisher: Yes, your unholy darkness?

Lucifer: DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE?! DID YOU THINK I WOULD SETTLE FOR SUCH A SUB-PAR PERFORMANCE?

Fisher: Well, your evilness, we did make the playoffs and we improved a game over last season.

Lucifer: HORSESHIT! DO YOU THINK I PURCHASED YOUR ETERNAL SOUL JUST TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS?!?

Fisher: It’s just…well…I think Vince might not be progressing the way we’d hoped. He might not be as good as we thought he’d be.

Lucifer: YOU SIMPLE TWAT, VINCE YOUNG IS MY GREATEST COUP! HE IS THE SON OF GOD! HE WINS!!! SOMETHING ELSE MUST BE THE CAUSE!

Fisher: What could it be, though, my lord?

Lucifer: HMM…WAIT! I KNOW! THE PROBLEM IS YOU!!!! PREPARE TO BE CAST DOWN WITH THE SODOMITES AND FORMER COWBOYS!!!

Fisher: No no no no no!!!!! Wait!!!! It’s not me!!! It’s…um…some of the staff!!! Yeah, the assistant coaches caused this!

Lucifer: WELL, THEN, FUCKING FIX IT!!!

Fisher: Yes, my malevolent master.

[20 minutes later, Fisher reaches Norm Chow by phone.]

Chow: What’s goin’ on, Jeff?

Fisher: Yeah, Norm. Umm…I needed to talk to you about something for next season.

Chow: What’s up?

Fisher: We’ve known each other a long time, Norm. A really long time. And we’ve had some success, too, right?

Chow: Uh, yeah.

Fisher: But…well…the club wants to go in a different direction with Vince’s development and…well…I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go, Norm. I really hope there’s no hard feelings.

Chow: No hard feelings? NO HARD FEELINGS?! You are throwing me under the bus, you bearded shitbag! Did that evil cocksucker Bud Adams put you up to this??

Fisher: Now, Norm, let’s no–

Chow: Don’t “now, Norm” me, asshole! You’ve submarined me at every fucking turn, yet I keep making lemonade out of the shit-covered fruit you give me each year. I wanted Matt Leinart, but noooooo, someone had to give mustache rides to Captain Interception. Nine TDs?!? Nine fucking TDs against seventeen interceptions?!?!? Christ. But I didn’t complain–I just kept working with the retard, trying to teach him to read defenses and books. And when I said we should go after some real wide receivers, what did you do? You signed a Houston cast-off and tried to beg Keyshawn fucking Johnson out of retirement. Zipadeefuckingdoodah! Or how about letting my leading rusher leave and saddling me with a guy who didn’t crack 1000 yards in college and a guy who might crack 1000 pounds in the offseason?! How about that?!?

Fisher: Look, I–

Chow: You what? You didn’t have the balls to stand up to Adams because you made the mistake of selling him your soul back in Houston? Not my problem, dickface.

Fisher: I’m sorry, Norm.

Chow: Fuck you. I hope you die. (slams phone down)

Lucifer: DAMN, JEFF. THAT’S COLD.

Fisher: Wait, what??? I thought you said–

Lucifer: I SAID FIX THE PROBLEM, NOT GET RID OF THE ONE LOYAL AND TALENTED GUY ON YOUR STAFF. SHIT, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU GAVE HIM ANYTHING TO WORK WITH. EVEN I WOULDN’T HAVE DONE SOMETHING THAT LOW. AND BY PHONE, NO LESS? YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, MAN.

LenDale White: C’mere baby and let the Whale hold you. Mmm…you smell so nice, so musky.

Vince Young: Not here, man. Chill. Wait ’til we get off the field at least.

White: Don’t play. I feel you rubbing your junk against mine.

Young: Yeah, well you are grabbing my ass. Fag. (giggles)

White: You know you like it, baby. (squeezes ass)

Young: C’mon, let’s get out of here. I haven’t been this turned on since I saw Brady Quinn showering at the Combine.

Inspired by Tim’s comment here, let’s break down exactly what Ahman Green has cost the Texans thus far. All numbers based on his $6.5MM guaranteed contract.

• $16,971.28 per total yard
• $25,000 per rushing yard
• $72,222.22 per week on injury report
• $92,857.14 per carry
• $2,166,666.67 per game with at least one 10+ yard rush
• $3,250,000 per touchdown
• $6,500,000 per victory over Dallas, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, and Tennessee

It’s nice work, if you can get it.

Sometimes I wonder if our assumptions about players on the Texans are skewed or exaggerated by the fact that we are fans. I mean, for every “David Carr is a well-coiffed ninny who causes many of his own sacks and who will suck in Carolina” (gloriously correct), there seems to be an “Ahman Green is not even remotely washed up and he will have a great season in Houston” (ridiculously incorrect). Prior to their proof or disproof, each of those assumptions could have been somewhat accurately chalked up to our own rooting interests rather than anything rational.

I mention all of this as it relates to Richard Smith. While his inexplicable avoidance of the blitz and overall passive-aggressive approach to defense are well-documented here and elsewhere, I found myself wondering Sunday afternoon if my opinion that he sucks worse than a snaggle-toothed hooker was overblown simply because I was forced to watch his defense on a weekly basis. I mean, yes, it’s beyond irritating to watch opposing offensive lines not even consider that a linebacker might rush (as evinced by the high rate of success when DeMeco Ryans is sent on his monthly blitz). And, yes, it’s highly grating to see our defensive backs put in a position to have to cover for six or seven seconds on every play. But could it be that I was blowing those annoyances out of proportion?

Apparently not. Yesterday, I received a text message from a non-Texans-fan friend, with absolutely no rooting interest in the game. It read simply, “Your D Coordinator sucks.” Is such a statement dispositive? Obviously not. Still, when someone who does not watch the Texans all that often (and who has no reason to consider the ability of Richard Smith unless it is glaringly obvious) tunes in and notices how bad Smith is, that is saying something.

Thing is–and I keep coming back to this–I can’t figure out how these things can be so obvious to fans yet seemingly invisible to the Smith (and, apparently, those with the power to overrule him.) More importantly, though, how does a person who ignores the basic fundamental tenets of defense–things like “increasing QB pressure makes a shaky secondary better” and “blitzing a linebacker will keep your pass-rushing DE from being routinely sodomized by two or three men”–seem less-capable at performing his job than any number of fans walking down the street?

Along with the continued employment and utilization of Petey Faggins in an NFL secondary, these questions are some of the more confounding aspects of the current Houston Texans. Hell, even the queries about Petey can be answered to a certain degree with “because we have nothing else on the roster.” Sure, that ignores signing free agents as a way out, but at least it’s an explanation that makes sense at some level. Smith’s employment doesn’t. (Yes, I am aware that he was not our first choice for DC. Still, his continued inability to demonstrate even a rudimentary understanding of scheme v. personnel makes one wonder why he was even on the list of possible DCs.)

The only positive to come out of this Smith defense is that it has allowed us to see the skill of both DeMeco Ryans and Mario Williams. While the emergence of Ryans might have been a happy result of the scheme, however, the weekly growth of Mario Williams has been a fortuitous side effect. At this point, Mario seems to realize that he is nearly always going to face double- or triple-teams, simply because the offensive linemen have no linebackers or safeties to consider, thus he has to find ways to get pressure on the QB on his own. Three sacks in four games, including one on the rarely-sacked Derek Anderson, suggest that he is figuring it out.

None of this is new discussion. For the most part, I am just kind of thinking out loud. At the same time, I would love it if someone could come up with one reason why Richard Smith is better than I am giving him credit for being. Just one football-related reason. Until then, I am going to continue assuming that he’s the Petey Faggins of defensive coordinators, which is poetically ironic if you think about it.

I hate irony.

It’s Vince v. Reggie (and hopefully, if you are a Saints fan, some good players, too) in their first matchup since VY tore USC’s collective heart out and showed it to them before they died. Of course, this came on the bowl game heels of Young doing the same thing to Michigan in the Rose Bowl. So, as far as Vince goes, I have to grudgingly give him the respect a winner deserves; but I ain’t giving Reggie shit.

Anywho…I think I’ll liveblog this mother. For a while, anyway.

7:34–Tony Kornheiser explains that the impact of the Saints’ resurgence last year was not just a local story, but a national one. He can’t be right, though, because I don’t recall hearing ANY parallels made between the Saints success and the post-Katrina rebuilding effort. Tony’s a liar.

7:39–Spike Lee just welcomed me to N’awlins. And now he’s praising the Saints as “damn good.” Spike really has nothing to do now that Reggie Miller retired, does he?

7:41–I’ll give Saints fans this–they are as hyped as you can possibly be for an 0-2 team. Kickoff goes for a touchback. THERE’S VINCE YOUNG, OMG!!!!!

7:42–Young to Bo Scaife for 20 on the first play of the game. Vince might have the ugliest throwing motion this side of Rich Gannon, but Christ that’s a cannon.

7:44–Young to Roydell Williams for another first. Two straight passes. I give Jeff Fisher credit for saying “fuck you, ESPN announcers who will obviously be talking about our running game in the intro.”

7:46–Young just introduced the Titans (before completing his fourth straight pass). I learned that Titans players have nicknames such as “Shrek” (Scaife) and “Fat Fuck” (White).

7:47–Scott Fujita introduces the team, but I am too busy wondering why he doesn’t look more Asian to listen.

7:50–Michelle Tafoya is talking, so this seems like a good chance to mention that the wife is unreceptive to the idea of naming our forthcoming child “DeMeco.”

7:51–3rd & 21…fumbled snap, Vince dropped for a loss of roughly 84. Will Smith got jiggy as hell on that play. (I’m sorry.)

7:54–…And the Saints take the field. Can’t you smell the excitement? Eric Metcalf, Jr., gets 2 on an end-around (not a reverse, Tirico, you shit-eating fuck). Wow.

7:56–Pressure, Incomplete Pass, Three-and-out for YOUR N’awlins Saints. At least they made sure the world’s Greatest Weapon touched the ball on that possession.

7:58–Great punt return negated by holding and a personal foul. Call me old school, but I am of the opinion that your punt returner should not be run down by five or six members of the opposing team once he has an angle. Crazy, I know.

8:01–Young throws on the run and it’s nearly picked of by the curiously named Usama Young. Might just want to go by your middle name, dude. I’m just saying… you ARE playing in the South.

8:02–LenDale White makes Ron Dayne look like Kate Moss circa 1995. And I am pretty sure he’s using a Hostess cupcake as a mouthpiece.

8:04–Tennessee is moving the ball however they damn well please. The Saints defense must’ve left with some FEMA trailers.

8:06–FG after two VY incompletions on overthrown balls. The good news is the first quarter is moving right along. The bad news is there are still three to go. Aside from one amazing Vince run, this is like watching a Big Sky conference game.

8:09–SuperDuper Reggie is on the kick return team. as an up man. Fake handoff to Bush around the 10. Anyone who didn’t see that coming, please raise your hand so you can be prevented from procreating.

8:13–Drew Brees just referred to Bush as “the human highlight reel” in the intros. First, that’s Dominique Wilkins’ nickname you uncreative twat. Second, here is my favorite highlight on the reel.

8:14–Really crappy pass on 4th & 1. Three-and-out. This is like that movie… with Bill Murray… where everything was the same…

8:16–First quarter ends on a LenDale rush. By the way, did you realize that White got the last seven rushes by a USC back in the national championship loss? Or that Bush touched the ball less than 20 times combined (receptions and rushes)?

8:20–Scaife runs a two-yard route on 3rd & 3. S-m-r-t. Chris Brown is able to convert on 4th, though, so maybe it was all a ruse by Fisher. He’s crafty.

8:21–Flea flicker! It doesn’t work, but, man, I love that play. And reader Will points out that we should try the same play at some point, considering we do almost nothing–oh, TD Tennessee, making it 10-0…Saints suck–tricky. An apparent hand-off to Leach with Jacoby flying down the sideline… I’ve said too much already.

8:26–Holy hell, was that an Eminem song that played us to commercial break? Roger Goodell does not approve!

8:28–Reggie Bush alone in the backfield…catches the dump pass for a loss of four or so. Can you actually see my smile as I type this? Colston makes up for it with a first down grab on the next play. Which would be their FIRST first down. Jaws says the have “giddyup in their step,” and I’ll take his word for it.

8:31–Brees is picked off by the underrated Keith Bulluck. Odds that Drew is praying for a levee failure right about now?

8:32–And the kindly Mr. Young throws it right back to the Saints. Seriously, this game sucks.

8:38–Three plays: Dropped 2-yard pass to McAllister. Throwback across the field to McAllister for one yard. Incomplete pass over the middle. So, I ask you: how in the world was this the best offense in football last year? I really, truly do not understand.

8:42–White pushes the pile like he’s fighting his way to the front of the Denny’s buffet. “I want those eggs, bitch! Get out my way, bitch!!”

8:44–3rd & 2…Vince underthrows his WR. Welcome to Puntsville, population YOU.

8:45–Bad decision by the punt returner, who eschews the fair catch and much prefers getting the shit knocked out of him by Michael Griffin. And, because of a penalty, the Titans will rekick…WITH REGGIE BACK FOR THE PUNT!!! OMG!!! CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT?!?!?! I JUST CAME!!!!

8:46–Seven yard return by God’s Chosen Running Back. Cock tease.

8:48–McAllister in the lockerroom for x-rays, meaning THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD is in at RB. Oh, he just got tackled for a loss on that handoff. 2 rushes for 3 yards so far. Wowza.

8:49–Big pass from Brees to Colston, who gets down almost to the 25. Might want to do more good stuff like that.

8:50–Or just get a three-yard pass to the TE. Shine on.

8:52–Super Jesus gets 6 on the carry, totally absolving all of humanity of their sins.

8:53–Tony K is questioning whether Bush is overrated as an RB. And Jaws agrees. I feel woozy. I though this was ESPN. Where am I?

8:54–Aaron Stecker in at RB, so Bush can be a WR. Stecker gets the first down, but it was probably because of Reggie’s amazing presence on the field. Super Jesus decoys all!!! (Yes, I am getting loopy. Wine and prescription drugs will do that. But even in my inebriated state, I can see greatness, damn it.)

8:56–Lance Moore just pulled in the best four-yard sideline catch you’ll ever see. Go Toledo Rockets!

8:57–3rd & 5…Brees avoids the sack by shoving his face into the oncoming hand of Antwan Odom. FIRST DOWN!

8:58–The World’s Most Amazing Human Being Ever Birthed On Our Planet comes up just short of the endzone on a draw. But it is going to be reviewed! Everyone, hold your collective breath!

9:01–Upon further review…the runner did fail to reach the endzone. How can that be? HOW?!

9:02–GOD’S FAVORITE SON, WHOM HE LOVES MUCH MORE THAN JESUS just dropped an easy TD pass. Yes, I am smiling.

9:03–Third try is a charm, as First Ballot Hall of Famer Reggie Bush gets the one-yard TD run. His line tonight? 5 carries, 13 yards, 1 TD. Oh, and one catch for -5. Quality.

9:04–Vince Young might be injured? This is great news for anyone who prefers their team to be piloted by an alcoholic racist.

9:05–Collins takes the field as Tafoya tells us it is an issue with Vince’s wrist. Wait a second… I’d completely forgotten that Drunky McKlansman was a #5 overall pick.

9:06–Relax… Vince’s wrist problem is just caused by cramps. It must be that time of the month.

9:08–Sweet, merciful halftime. Oh, fuck, it’s Berman. I’m getting a snack.

9:22–…aaaaand, we’re back, though I’m sure none of us has exhaled since Vince left the field.

9:23–Tafoya tell us Vince is fine, per Coach Fisher. Just to prove he is tough, Vince slapped some teammates with that hand. In game news, Baby Jesus’ Golden Hair just lobbed the ball back to Brees, who was promptly murdered by five dudes.

9:25–Three-and-out and a punt. The more things change…

9:29–Blah blah Vince’s arm blah tough blah blah LenDale ate a pony blah. Three-and-out, punt forthcoming. Who wants me to just start linking to random porn? Anyone?

9:31–Tired by his enormous workload, BUSHGOD takes a seat so Aaron Stecker can get some face time.

9:33–I have to say, this ESPN criticism of Bush, no matter how slight, is a nice touch. An unexpected nice touch.

9:35–Our Lord and Savior gets 11 on a dump pass. Nice moves there. I’m sure they drafted you hoping that you’d be a great check-down option. Oh, Stecker is in at RB now because the Saints actually want to run the ball between the tackles.

9:37–Nice pass and catch by Colston, who gets down to the one. AllahGodMohammedJesus punches it in from one yard out. 14 yards rushing and 2 TDs. He is apparently Jerome Bettis, circa 2005.

9:39–Let me just go ahead and state how annoyed I am that Reggie can look like dogshit carrying the ball, but still have two TDs. I am even more annoyed thinking about how ESPN will only show the TDs. And, no, I STILL wouldn’t take him over Mario. I’m rambling again…

9:41–Michael Griffin with a nice return out to the 41. In other news, it appears my prayers that the Superdome collapse tonight will not be answered. I suppose this is what happens when you take EVERY diety’s name in vain.

9:43–Chris Brown busts off a big run and, just like that, the Titans are inside the NO 40. Let’s go, Titans?

9:45–White powers for a big first down and seemed to be face-masked for 4 seconds with no call. It’s a brave man that sticks his fingers inside LenDale’s cage.

9:47–Defense offsides. Free first down. Way to follow up that impressive drive, New Orleans. I’m sure Drew Brees appreciates the breather, but maybe get a stop if you want to win a game this season.

9:51–Young throws a horribly ugly pass on the run to Eric Moulds. Great catch by Moulds, too. Tony K just made an age joke about Moulds. He’s so witty and irreverent. Catch being challenged. As is my will to live.

9:53–Play upheld. Fuck you for challenging Mike Carey.

9:54–TD, White. Titans lead. Saints still suck.

9:58–Bush for 1 yard. Unfortunately for the Saints, they were more than one yard from the endzone.

10:01–Brees leaps for the first down and gets nailed by three defensive players. He’s no Joseph Addai. 10 points for courage; 2 points for brains.

10:03–The leap was for naught, as Brees fumbles on the next snap. Titans ball. If they score a TD on this drive, the bloggin’ is done for tonight.

10:05–Great patience by VY waiting for Roydell Williams to get open. Nice pass, too. Vince is apparently only 12 of 20 for 150+, 1 TD, 1 INT, but this sure seems like one of his better passing performances that I’ve seen. Odd.

10:07–Tirico points out that a QB who can run well is a dual threat. He is so wise, that Tirico. I can totally understand why he replaced Dan Patrick on the radio show. Tirico is also a dirty, dirty man.

10:09–Titans are down to the 2-yard line. Inertia prevents LenDale from cutting, so he plows into a pile of bodies for no gain.

10:10–NICE pass on the rollout from Vince to Scaife. Touchdown, Titans. Bedtime, Matt.

It’s not exactly a Bill Simmons running diary, but there’s some high quality tag-team live blogging going on at BRB.

GO FREAKIN’ TEXANS!!!