We Get Emails
Oct 1, 2008 Awesomeness, Awfulness, Bad Idea Jeans, Bad Juju, Too far?
So, I was sitting here in the den, minding my own business and drinking a beer, when an email from an address I didn’t recognize popped up on the laptop.
terristevensXX@aol.com
The fuck? Must be junk mail, as I don’t know anyone who still uses AOL, even just for an email address. But that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I click on it and…well…let’s just take it line by line, shall we?
I was reading the things you wrote about Matt Stevens.
And I was surfing porn because my wife’s out of town. What’s your point? Oh…hold up. Terri Stevens? As in, like, Matt Stevens’ wife? Oh, this should be solid.
I wanted you to know that I agree with you…..
I had to look back just to see what I’d written about The Sultan of Suck. I found three references:
Here. “2. Matt Stevens, FS. Tim once relayed to me that he tried to name BRB “Shaking Matt Stevens,” but it was vetoed as being too obscure. It wouldn’t have been the least bit obscure to Texans fans, however, who still remember Matt Stevens as the poster child for blown coverage, failed tackles, and general shittiness. He apparently was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident, but, contrary to popular belief, this occurred after he left the Texans organization. (I’m going to Hell.)”
Here. “(regarding best Texans safety ever) OK…so, it obviously can’t be Matt Stevens because he is on the short list of ‘Worst Texan ever.’”
And Here. “For a third choice, Scott broke the news that the team was bringing in Shaun Williams for a workout. Unfortunately, as Scott points out, Williams is better against the run than the pass and has been described as “reckless.” Sure, that would be better than, say, bringing in Matt Stevens–of course, I would be better than Matt Stevens–but it’s not necessarily a panacea.”
I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you don’t agree that he sucked and/or you don’t agree that I would be a better NFL safety than your husband. But what do you agree with?
for sure there will be a spot for you in hell.
OH. I see what you did there. I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am.
Besides, assuming one believes in the afterlife, that ticket was punched a while ago, thus your little bout of virtual bitchiness does not really faze me. In fact, here’s a tip—when a blog talks about the Pope blessing someone’s cock and/or feeling like you’ve been fisted with sandpaper gloves after watching a certain player, the writer is probably not going to be overly concerned with your hurt feelings. But let’s continue.
You are a horrible person.
Again, we already settled that. And, for what it’s worth, my wife and kids would disagree. They love me, though that could just be because I can walk. In fact, If you were to write mean things about me, they might even send you nasty emails that wished you to Hell.
Just thought you should know.
Hey, your husband is the worst player to ever wear Battle Red, which is no small feat. Just thought you should know.
Karma is a bitch.
Hmm. Interesting theory. Though, it certainly makes one wonder who Matt pissed off in a former life to come back as a piss poor tackler destined to end in a wheelchair. I mean, if you believe in karma, then you have to believe in it wholly or else your belief system is as flawed and inconsistent as your husband’s coverage skills.
(Also, you are incorrectly applying the concept of karma, but a lot of people do that, so I will let you slide. I will point out, however, that a correctly applied real belief in karma is incompatible with the eternity-in-agony-and-brimstone Christian Hell you’ve already damned me to.)
Anyway, that’s it? You saw that I, a random blogger, wrote mean and slightly distasteful things about a guy, so you emailed to tell me that I suck and that I am going to Hell? Awesome. Behold, The Power Of The Internet!
If I may be so bold, why were you Googling John Q. Floppycock’s name in the first place? Trying to remember a time before you had to wipe his ass? Trying to find someone to tell you good things about Matt so you can find meaning in things and won’t be forced to think that life is just a huge series of unrelated events? Just trying to take your mind of the non-use of your vagina?
You know what? I don’t actually care what the answer is. Because fuck you, that’s why.
Yours in Christ,
MDC
P.S. Bitch.
Kickoff
Jul 8, 2008 Bad Juju, Batman, DeMeco Ryans, Kickoff, Travis Johnson
When DeMeco speaks, we all listen, Adam. Ignoring for a second that Adam Schein’s voice is so grating that it plays on a loop in the waiting room to hell, you gotta appreciate the love the national media is giving Mario and DeMeco. “Defensive Player of the Year,” eh? What a bust!
Muchas Gracias, Jesus. Travis Johnson will join former FSU teammates for a football camp in the Bahamas. Says one writer of Travis-Johnson-themed humor, “oh, dis is great news, mon!”
Have you seen my baseball?! Because I can’t find anything else, here’s a “Create Your Own Caption” photo for you. We’re all going to Hell.
Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho
Apr 9, 2008 Bad Juju, Blasphemy, Dancing With the 'Tards, Faggination, Houston Chronicle, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Putting people on notice, Revenge of Durga!, Tempting Fate
I do not mean to alarm anyone, but it seems that DGDB&D is the most powerful blog in the universe. Sure, there are blogs that get way more hits. There are blogs that entertain without making dick jokes. There are even blogs that people are willing to pay to advertise on.
But there are NO other blogs that have accidentally reincarnated a Hindu goddess.
SAINI SUNPURA, India — A baby with two faces was born in a northern Indian village, where she is doing well and is being worshipped as the reincarnation of a Hindu goddess, her father said today. [***]
Rural India is deeply superstitious and the little girl is being hailed as a return of the Hindu goddess of valor, Durga, a fiery deity traditionally depicted with three eyes and many arms.
Up to 100 people have been visiting Lali at her home every day to touch her feet out of respect, offer money and receive blessings, Singh told The Associated Press.
“Lali is God’s gift to us,” said Jaipal Singh, a member of the local village council. “She has brought fame to our village.”
Village chief Daulat Ram said he planned to build a temple to Durga in the village.
This blog’s reliance of Durga to do the dirty work that certain Christian deities were unable or unwilling to do is well documented. Thus, I take full credit for the return of this goddess to Earth. The negative among you might think that this is a rather ominous sign for me. To that, I say p’shaw! This is a sign that Durga realized she needed to be on Earth to properly dispose of Petey Faggins. Her attempt from the ethereal realm of, um, wherever Hindu gods reside had the unintended consequence of injuring Dunta Robinson. She won’t make that mistake again, Petey. No sir, she’s here and she’s taking careful aim, sucka. You dead, dawg.
In related news, as reader Brent pointed out, it’s rather ironic that the Chronicle’s coverage of a Hindu goddess is much better than their coverage of a certain local football team.
Look, defenseless babies!
Dec 29, 2007 2007 Season, Anger, Awfulness, Bad Juju, Colts Shmolts, Corky Johnson, Tremendous Busts
Resident rocket surgeon Travis Johnson was fined $5000 by the NFL Friday for his ridiculous late hits last Sunday. The “normal” fine for such two-foul situations is $7500, but the league ruled that the first late hit was an incorrect call. (Meaning they ignored that the entire play happened completely in Travis’ line of sight and there was no possible way he could have thought the play was still live.) They also chose to ignore the blatant helmet-to-helmet hit that Johnson delivered in between the two penalties and for which he was not flagged. Lame.
Johnson offered his own erudite opinion on the matter.
I didn’t go out there to purposely hurt anybody, I am just out there playing hard.
For the moment, I’ll take him at his word. After all, one would like to believe that no NFL player is intentionally delivering cheap shots. Johnson continued:
I was in the air when the whistle blew. You win some, and you lose some.
Wait…what? You lying sack of donkey turd! I just went back and watched the hit. Not only were you not “in the air” when it happened, you took at least one extra step toward the ball carrier after the play was obviously completed AND you lowered your head to the point that you’d have to have an IQ of about 8 to not realize you were hitting a man when he was on the ground! Besides, just like the Manning play, this one was right in front of you, yet you took two-and-a-half steps after the point where Fletcher was obviously going down. You sir, are as classless as Albert Haynesworth, but without any sort of performance that would make us swallow our pride and accept your stupidity as the price for having your stellar play.
Despite the fact that Kubes said he liked your effort and intensity, I still hold out hope that they will change the locks while you are out one day and not give you a new key. Don’t make me get my girl, Durga, on the line. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.
(h/t to Texans Tail Gate for the link)
Mojo?
Nov 4, 2007 2007 Season, Bad Juju, Dunta Robinson, Injury bug, Self-Referential Stuff
Text message from Tim as the first half expired:
Even your bad juju couldn’t ruin the first half. Congrats.
Now, I am still not willing to admit that my little exercise in blasphemy had anything to do with Dunta Robinson going down in the first quarter. After all, it’s not like we were paragons of health prior to today.
That said…I am going to feel a little uneasy if Dunta is gone for any length of time. The bye week cannot come at a better time.
UPDATE: Well, we won. Still no news on Dunta. Based on the threatening messages I’ve received from Tim, the prognosis is not good. But, hey, we won! That counts, right?!? What??? What’s with the pitchforks?? *runs away*
