DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Kickoff

Jul 28, 2008 2008 Training Camp, Batman, Kickoff, Super Mario, Uncategorized

After two days with no internet and two days in Missouri, I am back.  I know you missed me.  YOU know you missed me.  Here be the links.  Unless otherwise noted, h/t to Eric on these.

Scary.  Mario Williams and his teammates all agree—you still have not seen the best possible Mario Williams.  That sentence should make any QB on the Texans’ 2008 schedule piss himself.

Batman Returns? Ahman Green swears that last year was a fluke, that he’s not injury prone, and that he’s going to be back with a vengeance this year.  You’ll forgive me if I don’t hold my breath.

Greetings and Salutations.  Chris Taylor?  Earl Cochran.  Earl?  Chris.

Kickoff

Jul 8, 2008 Bad Juju, Batman, DeMeco Ryans, Kickoff, Travis Johnson

When DeMeco speaks, we all listen, Adam. Ignoring for a second that Adam Schein’s voice is so grating that it plays on a loop in the waiting room to hell, you gotta appreciate the love the national media is giving Mario and DeMeco.  “Defensive Player of the Year,” eh?  What a bust!

Muchas Gracias, Jesus. Travis Johnson will join former FSU teammates for a football camp in the Bahamas.  Says one writer of Travis-Johnson-themed humor, “oh, dis is great news, mon!”

Have you seen my baseball?! Because I can’t find anything else, here’s a “Create Your Own Caption” photo for you. We’re all going to Hell.

Kickoff

Jun 25, 2008 Andre Johnson, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Batman, Curious Coaching, I really dig my readers, Jacoby Jones' beer bong, Kickoff, Sandy Vag

Über-commenter Eric came through today with three solid links and a kick ass picture, so this is the all-Eric Kickoff Edition.

Idiot-Proofing The Offseason.  As we’ve seen (Mario Wililams, Jacoby Jones), free time can be dangerous for young players with lots of money.  There’s only so much you can do about that through the winter and spring, but Smithiak have found a way to deal with it during the summer–shorten the amount of freetime by extending summer workouts.

One team subscribing to this theory is Houston. The Texans started their offseason program March 31 and won’t conclude until the week after July 4th, leaving less than two weeks between the end of the program and the start of training camp on July 25. It’s clear Texans GM Rick Smith and coach Gary Kubiak are hoping this wrinkle will pay dividends on the field. In a copycat league, many teams will be looking at the Texans to see how this plays out.

God, let them be smarter than the average Pats fan.  A prediction from a Patriots blog re: AFC South standings.  The Texans’ final record is a thing of beauty, this line about VY is gold. “VY needs to improve his incredibly poor accuracy. He seriously can’t hit a group of shirtless men in a bar.”

Not earth-shaking, but still informative.  A USA Today piece breaking down the offseason changes, the need for people (read: Green, Schaub, Johnson) to stay healthy, and the arrival of Alex Gibbs.

Cannot Approach Reasonable Respectability. Finally, a little flashback humor.

Opening Salvo

Jan 2, 2008 2007 Season, 2008 Season, Barbaro is dead, Batman, Black Salaami, Boulware, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Free Agency, I'm not a doctor, Mark Bruener, Matt Turk rules, Nnamdi Asomugha, Posts that list too many players, Roster, Secondary issues are primary, Sign Andre Davis now, Tremendous Busts

Certain discussions in football are incredibly dependent upon context. Take, for instance, “who is the greatest player of all time?” Without contextualizing the question, we can have different answers and all might be correct. If you are asking “who was the most dominant in his era,” the near-universal answer is Jim Brown. If you are factoring in which player had the biggest drop-off in talent between himself and the second-best player at his position, Lawrence Taylor is a popular answer. And if you are considering longevity coupled with a high level of performance, a case can be made for Larry Allen, Emmitt Smith, or even Brett Favre if a person is so inclined.

Discussing the draft is no different. Before we can have any sort of serious discussion regarding our needs (both perceived and real) and how the draft can meet them, we have to answer the following:

• What is the 2008 contribution from Dunta Robinson likely to be?
• What is the 2008 contribution from Charles Spencer likely to be?
• Is Travis Johnson going to be on the 2008 Texans?
• Which of our free agents are going to be re-signed?
• Which free agents from other teams are we looking at?
• Which role players/reserves from this year played well enough to challenge for an expanded role next year?
• Which starters played poorly enough to “earn” their outright releases?

Let’s try to tackle these. Everything from here is on is my best guess, so feel free to correct/mock/taunt me in the comments.

1. What is the 2008 contribution from Dunta Robinson likely to be?

The facts: According to this article (hat tip to reader Eric, who keeps me abreast of stuff almost daily), Dunta is taking rehab seriously and is progressing well.

“I know myself, and I know what I will do to get back on the field,” [Dunta said].

Unless you enjoy being wrong, don’t doubt him.

He might be moving slowly with a limp [as of now], but at some point next season, No. 23 will throw his body around Reliant Stadium, making hard-hit highlights.

***

The most likely scenario calls for Robinson, 25, to be placed on the physically unable to perform list entering camp. If he isn’t ready at the start of the season, he would not be eligible to be activated until after the sixth game.

Though he has been told he is ahead of schedule in the rehab, he smartly realizes to rush would be foolish.

Really bad grammar aside, no one is currently ruling out the possibility that he will be back on opening day. Now, given the severity of the injury–see video here–it might be a little much to expect a September return, but what if he is ready to go by October? With Dunta and Fred Bennett, it would make very little sense to draft a CB at 18. (This is doubly true when you consider that this draft isn’t exactly rife with big name cornerback talent–not only would be drafting redundantly, but you would be reaching to do it.)

One strange sub-question to this is what if Dunta does return as planned in 2008, but is not as fast as he was prior to the injury? Because I know we don’t want to hear it right now, but there is no guarantee that he can rehab his speed back to what it was (or even what it needs to be to be a top corner). If this happens, as a couple people said shortly after he was hurt, it might just make sense to pencil Dunta in as a free safety when he returns, allowing him to play the ball and still knock the piss out of people, but without expecting him to also turn and run with the Reggie Waynes of the world. In such a scenario, obviously that second corner position is an issue. I’m just not sure it is an issue to address via the draft.

Predicted answer to the question: I think Dunta returns in mid-October and, by November, is in “playing shape.” He might be slightly slowed, but any conversion of him to safety would be in 2009 at the earliest.

2. What is the 2008 contribution from Charles Spencer likely to be?

The Facts: If it seems like a really loooooong time since Spencer got hurt, you are not imagining things. He had surgery on the broken leg on September 18, 2006, meaning that 103 weeks will have passed between that date and opening day 2008. Now, of course, the good news is that there was some talk and hope going into 2007 Camp that Spencer would play at some point this past year. While that didn’t happen (obviously), the team website reports that Barbaro is expected to participate in the team’s offseason conditioning program.

To have been cleared for such workouts, Spencer’s rehab would have to be completed to his personal physician’s satisfaction and he would have to have been evaluated by the team doctor. So, apparently, 2 out of 2 medical professionals agree that Spencer is healthy enough for NFL workouts. That’s a start. Much like with Dunta, however, there is no way of knowing short of seeing Spencer play whether he was able to rehab to the level of an NFL left tackle.

Also similar to the Dunta situation, if Spencer does not have the quickness and explosiveness needed to take on professional defensive ends, the team is not without options. Fred Weary is a free agent and Chester Pitts was less than stellar for much of the year, so moving Spencer to a guard spot is certainly a possibility. Given his bulk and athleticism (6-5, 350 compared to 6-4, 307 for Weary and 6-2, 320 for Pitts), lining him up beside Eric Winston or a real–read: not Ephraim Salaam–left tackle would certainly be an asset to our running game (unless it is foolishly decided by the powers above that we are going to convert to a pure zone blocking scheme).

Predicted answer to the question: I think that Spencer will be at 100% of whatever his post-surgery ability is and that Kubiak will give him every chance to win back the LT spot. For better or worse, unless Spencer is visibly way too slow, has some sort of major surgery-related setback, or Jake Long/Sam Baker falls to us at 18, I’m guessing that Spencer is our guy going into next season.

3. Is Travis Johnson going to be on the 2008 Texans?

Facts: Travis is a loud-mouthed, under achieving jerk. While his taunting of Trent Green was hilarious (to me), his play has never been such that we can absorb his stupid penalties and brain farts.

Prediction: This organization values “character” and “appearances” more than just about any team ever, so I really can’t see how Travis is on this roster come September. He will be gone either through trade (if we can find a sucker) or outright release closer to June 1, either of which is fine because we need a real nose tackle anyway.

4. Which of our free agents are going to be re-signed?

Facts: The following are my predicted fates for the unrestricted free agents:

• Roc Alexander–gone w/ no offer
• Charlie Anderson–signed
• Kevin Barry–gone w/ no offer Oops.
• Mark Bruener–gone? retired? neither?
• Danny Clark–signed
• Andre’ Davis–signed
• Ron Dayne–signed
• Will Demps–signed
• Glenn Earl–gone w/no offer
• Von Hutchins–gone b/c offer withdrawn after Wynn signs
• ND Kalu–signed
• Cedric Killings–gone (retired)
• Jason Simmons–gone w/ no offer
• Matt Turk–signed
• Fred Weary–gone b/c unable to perform in 2008
• Dexter Wynn–signed

And for the restricted free agents:

• CC Brown–signed
• Anthony Maddox–signed
• Jerome Mathis–gone b/c he’s a fragile wuss
• Scott Jackson–signed

Quick Review:

Unrestricted Free Agents have four or more seasons of service and have reached the end of their contract. They are free to sign with any club through the first day of the first scheduled NFL training camp. After that, their exclusive rights revert to their original club (if that club made a June 1 tender to these players) and that team has until the Tuesday after the 10th week of the season to sign the player. If the player does not sign, he must continue to sit out the rest of the season.

Restricted Free Agents have completed three accrued seasons of service and have reached the end of their contracts. They have received offers from their old clubs, but can negotiate with any team until April 21. If a new team’s offer is accepted, the old club has the right to match the offer and keep the player. If they do not match the offer, the old team might receive a compensatory draft pick (subject to how much the new team’s offer was).

Notes regarding predicted answer to the question: I have been going back and forth on whether they will sign Mark Bruener. He’s a great run blocker, but he’s old as hell, so it wouldn’t shock me to see them carry Joel Dreessen if they want a third TE or for them to keep Bruener because they release Putzier. I think the Von Hutchins/Dexter Wynn thing comes down to who signs first and, god, I hope it’s Wynn. I think Demps wins out over Glenn Earl and I think that is a good thing. Finally, I think they keep Turk for another year unless someone releases a top-tier punter for some odd reason.

5. Which free agents from other teams are we looking at?

Facts: We have a better free agent budget than in some recent offseasons, but we are still not free and clear of some of the dead money (Domanick Davis Williams, anyone?) Keeping in mind the overriding philosophy of not over-spending on big names and putting character at the forefront of any player evaluation, here are some names at key positions that I could see us considering (my favorite at each position is linked to player info):

RB–Musa Smith, Derrick Ward, LaBrandon Toefield, Michael Bennett, and Justin Fargas. Notable omissions–Michael Turner (price), Julius Jones (not good)

DE–Marques Douglas, Bobby McCary, Travis LaBoy. Notable omissions–Jared Allen (character, price), Justin Smith (price)

DT–Ethan Kelley, Isaac Sopoaga. (This position is likely better filled through the draft) Notable omissions–Albert Haynesworth (character, price), Pat Williams (I was an idiot and overlooked his extension signed in September, so he’s not a free agent like I had been saying)

S–Gibril Wilson, OJ Atogwe, Mike Doss. (This position is extremely thin in free agency this year) Notable omission–Ken Hamlin (slight character concerns, overpriced due to Pro Bowl)

CB–Keith Smith, Domonique Foxworth, Nnamdi Asomugha. (Yes, I realize Asomugha’s predicted price tag, but if the team thinks Dunta will not be back in 2008 or will not be back to his old self, I think Smithiak realizes the value of a shutdown corner. Plus, I am hoping that his low INT total this year will temper the cost.) Notable omission–Asante Samuel (will think he’s worth too much and won’t talk to smaller-market teams)

OT–Jordan Gross, Stacey Andrews, Adrian Jones. Notable omissions–Flozell Adams (age), Cory Lekkerkerker (not enough Ks for jersey if he’s signed)

6. Which role players/reserves from this year played well enough to challenge for an expanded role next year?

Facts: The injuries to 94.35% of our roster this season gave us an extended look at some guys who under normal circumstances would have gotten nothing but scout team and special teams reps. Honestly, this was the one silver lining to come out of the bubonic plague that struck our locker room.

Not counting free agent guys like Andre Davis and Charlie Anderson, the three guys who jump to mind are Earl Cochran, Kasey Studdard, and Zac Diles. Last one first, Kubiak said recently that Diles had shown an ability to possibly play the other LB positions, so I could see him getting a chance to earn the SLB position in camp next year. This is not ideal–I’d much rather have a pure SLB over there–but if we can’t resign Charlie Anderson and Danny Clark, it might not be the worst thing to happen. Cochran showed a real nose for the ball every time he got in there and he even earned a starting role for the last game of the season. Studdard is a coaching staff favorite and showed real potential on the interior.

Predicted answer to the question: If the team is able to get a big nose tackle either through the draft or through free agency, it would not shock me to see Cochran given a chance at the starting defensive end gig next summer. I like the guy, so this would not bother me. Diles’ opportunity to earn a starting role is going to be limited to a total departure of the other SLBs on the roster or the untimely death of DeMeco Ryans. Finally, Studdard should be in line to compete for an OG position, especially if Spencer is playing OT. There’s also a chance that Brandon Harrison or Brandon Frye could compete, but, again, that is going to depend more on who leaves this offseason than what either actually did during the 2007 campaign.

7. Which starters–other than Travis Johnson–played poorly enough to “earn” their outright releases?

Facts: Anthony Weaver is the highest-paid player on this team, yet he was not even among the five best DEFENSIVE players we had this year. That is unacceptable. Shawn Barber started off fine, but injury derailed him. Still, that might be enough to earn a ticket out. Ahman Green I cannot discuss without getting angry. DeMarcus Faggins should lead this list, but he seems to have some sort of soft spot in the hearts of the leadership. Jeb Putzier…I’m pretty sure he is still on the team, though you wouldn’t know it by watching the last 8 games. Jordan Black was atrocious from day 1. Mike Flanagan apparently subscribed to the Jordan Black newsletter. Finally, Michael Boulware was decent on special teams, but horrid in coverage. If you listen real closely, you can hearing him whiffing on another assignment as I write this.

Obviously, there are salary cap implications for cutting any of these guys. Based on the best numbers I could find, the cap hit for each guy would be as follows (and remember that you can split guys cut on June 1 over two seasons as well as 2 guys cut prior to June 1 but designated as such):

• Weaver: $8.1MM
• Barber: $1.4MM
• Green: $3.75MM
• Faggins: $425K
• Putzier: $950K
• Black: $900K
• Boulware: $0 (unless there are some hidden bonuses that I missed)
• Flanagan: $1MM
• (Johnson: $2.7MM)

Keeping Weaver is going to cost us $6.2MM against the cap, so it depends entirely on whether losing him is worth roughly $2MM plus whatever his replacement costs. Then again, if he is one of the June 1 guys, you are saving money ($4.05MM vs. 6.2MM) in the short term. Knowing this, I think he’s either gone or will be “asked” to restructure his deal. Same deal with Green, though I say it is less likely that he is given the chance to restructure because he is cheaper to cut than to keep ($3.75MM vs. 5.1MM). Deciding whether to keep the others listed here depends less on dollars and cents and more on long-term planning for the franchise.

Predicted answer to the question: Like I said, I think Weaver is either not a Texan or is not under the same contract come September, but I am betting it is the latter. I think Green is giving his walking papers, which he will carry with a limp. Faggins stays around be he’s cheap, they like him for some reason, and because God likes to torture me like that from time to time. Putzier…I’m going back and forth on. I think he’s gone if they keep Bruener and vice versa. Boulware and Flanagan are done. Barber stays because he’s versatile and is good leadership for some of the younger ‘backers.

*****

So, about 2700 words later, there you have it. One obsessive-compulsive fan’s look at the background questions that have to be answered before we can form a coherent draft strategy. I’m sure I missed something in there.

$3.22 per unimpressed Houstonian

Dec 5, 2007 2007 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Batman, Huh?, Injury bug, Tremendous Busts

Inspired by Tim’s comment here, let’s break down exactly what Ahman Green has cost the Texans thus far. All numbers based on his $6.5MM guaranteed contract.

• $16,971.28 per total yard
• $25,000 per rushing yard
• $72,222.22 per week on injury report
• $92,857.14 per carry
• $2,166,666.67 per game with at least one 10+ yard rush
• $3,250,000 per touchdown
• $6,500,000 per victory over Dallas, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, and Tennessee

It’s nice work, if you can get it.

“Down the road a-ways,” I’ve heard said, “a new day’s comin’ on.”

Dec 2, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Draft, 2007 Season, 2008 Draft, Andre Johnson, Batman, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Pro Bowl 2008, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Ron Dayne likes pie, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario, The Schaub Experiment

I’m not really sure where to start. I actually felt ill watching the second half unfold. For everything that went right–Mario Williams, DeMeco Ryans, Andre Johnson–it seemed like just as many if not more went wrong–season-crippling injuries, poor special teams, poor run defense, continual mental mistakes.

One could easily argue that this game was a microcosm of our entire season, so let’s approach the recap that way.

The continued development of Mario Williams. The continued, Fox-News-like insistence of Richard Justice aside, most people agree that Mario has progressed well in his first full healthy season. After notching three sacks in his first seven games, Super Mario scored three in the past four games prior to today. So, all he does today is come in, put up a new personal single game high two and a half sacks (one was a gimme), and break the franchise single-season sack record. He is currently two sacks away from the franchise career record of 15 (Kylie Wong).

The continued excellence of DeMeco Ryans. His 14 total tackles today–a season high–pushed him over 100 for the season and gave him three straight games (and five total games this season) with at least 10 total tackles. Week in, week out, the one consistent thing about this team is DeMeco. If he doesn’t make the Pro Bowl this season, it will be a complete traveshamockery.

The continued demonstration of how much Andre Johnson means to this offense. This doesn’t need much explanation. Basically, Andre gives us a WR who, when healthy, is almost always good for 8-10 catches, 110+ yards, and a TD or two. More importantly, though, is that he catches nearly every ball thrown at him, regardless of how good a pass it really was. He is so good that I was actually shocked when he didn’t haul in the pass from Sage Rosenfels down around the ten yard line, despite the fact that catching it would have required him to stop on a dime, spin back 180 degrees, and snag a ball that was thrown at his back shoulder.

The continued enigma that is Ron Dayne. Don’t look at me; I’m as confused as you. In the first eight games of the year, Dayne played in six. Of those, only once did he crack three yards/carry. His single game high during that stretch was 62 yards. Since then, however, he’s been nothing short of, um, well above average. He’s been over four yards/carry every game, and he’s put up 122, 89, 78, and 86 yards respectively. Just when it was concede by nearly everyone involved in football that we had no running game whatsoever, the Dayne Trayne got on track and proved nearly everyone wrong. Perhaps the strangest thing about this, though, is that I still have no desire to go into next season with Ron Dayne occupying a prominent role in this offense.

The continued inability to beat the Tennessee Titans. 10-2. That’s the all-time record between the Titans the Texans. We have been beaten by Steve McNair six times, Vince Young three times, and Kerry Collins once. We have not beaten them since 2004, when we inexplicably beat them twice. It does not seem to matter who is under center for them or for us. It doesn’t matter how well or poorly we play. It doesn’t even matter how late in the game we manage to hold a lead. It defies explanation, yet somehow it defines much of the past 5-plus seasons. And now, it’s cost me two bottles of Jagermeister. Good times.

The continued plague of injuries. OK, now it’s just getting ridiculous. We can add Fred Weary (broken leg) and Chris White (injured MCL) to this list of players lost for the year, raising that total to 15. And that doesn’t even count Ahman Green, who has yet to finish a single game; or Matt Schaub, who has been knocked from games more than once and who might now be lost for the year with a dislocated shoulder; or Andre Johnson, who missed eight of our 12 games with a completely avoidable injury; or any of the myriad other players who have been listed as “questionable” or worse this season.

The continued sieve that passes as run defense. The 153 yards allowed to the Titans today was even worse than the 119 yards/game average we allowed coming in. In fact, we went from 22nd in the league to 25th in rushing yards allowed/game based on today’s (lack of) performance. In fact, this probably deserves its own post at some point.

The continued struggles on special teams. Early in the year, there were issues with Kris Brown (see, e.g., the Atlanta game). Then, we had issues with kickoff returns while Jacoby Jones was out (see, e.g., the first Titans game, when Andre Davis decided that kicks 9 yards deep in the end zone were still worth bringing out). Then, it was Matt Turk channeling Chad Stanley (see, e.g., the San Diego game). Today, it was Jacoby deciding that fair catches were for girls…until he muffed one that effectively ended our chances at winning the game. Oh, and let’s not forget the stupid holding penalty that negated our own recovery of a Tennessee muff (which sounds dirty, but isn’t). He’s not Richard Smith-level bad, but special teams coach Joe Marciano isn’t exactly doing a bang-up job.

The continued mental mistakes of both players and coaches. Sage Rosenfels‘ curious decision to run back toward the middle of the field at the end of the game, Richard Smith’s wussified decision not to blitz near the end of the game despite being shown repeatedly that the blitz was working while the “rush three” defense was being eaten alive (on the big completion to Eric Moulds, for example), Jacoby Merkel’s aforementioned boner, Kubiak’s odd insistence about making Vonta Leach an integral part of the running and passing game, and so on and so forth. Is it possible to get through one game–just one–where we aren’t left scratching our heads at the decision-making?

Today’s loss was just another dose of variations on any number of themes. Unfortunately, it is also the end of any realistic chance of a playoff appearance. Now, the more cynical among us might say that the playoffs were never an attainable goal this season. While that is debatable, what is not arguable is that the games are always more meaningful when you can delude yourself into thinking January football is a possibility. Without that, all we have is another year of draft talk in December.

I don’t want to be all doom and gloom. Certainly, we have pieces in place that should lead to a successful 2008 and beyond. This team is sitting in a better position than any version of the Texans that we’ve seen. We know what works on this team and, just as importantly, we know what doesn’t. Still, right now (and until I am sufficiently un-angered), I can’t help but say it over and over in my head. “Same old, same old.”

Somehow, I doubt they’ll make a Fathead of any of these guys

Nov 20, 2007 2007 Season, Adimchinobe Echemandu is fun to say, Batman, Injury bug, Nigerian Mafia, RB free-for-all

Just scrolled across the bottom of NFL Network:

“Houston Texans: Activate RB Darius Walker from practice squad.”

Interesting for a number of reasons. First, this might mean that Gary is starting to doubt Joe Echemandu. (Echeman-don’t?) Second, it wasn’t that long ago that someone close to the Texans organization told me that “Walker’s not good, but you’re right [in thinking] he asked to be released. That said, I would be shocked if he made a roster, let alone play a down in the NFL.” Maybe is he is less not good now? Third, could this possibly be the final sign that Ahman Green shan’t be suiting up in the Texans colors again this year (or ever)?

Batman my ass

Nov 16, 2007 2007 Season, Batman, Boobies, Fuck the Cowboys, Inanity, Posts that list too many players, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

I think there’s a good chance that, years from now, the most embarrassing thing about this blog will not be the forcible sodomy jokes, or the blasphemy, or even the fact that I spent most of my time making up conversations between people I have never met.

Nope, while those will all certainly be cringe-inducing to varying degrees, the most embarrassing thing is going to be this comment on Ahman Green:

I gotta say, along with The Schaub Experiment and the Okoye-Mario tandem, I am pumped about Batman being in a Texans uni. I even wrote a post on it somewhere (post-vacation hangover–way too lazy to look for the post). Barring something catastrophic, I think we can pencil him in for over 1100 yards. When’s the last time you were thinking that going into a season?

If you followed my advice–and, if you did, shame on you–go ahead and erase that “1100 yards.” Feel free to replace it with “14 injuries.”

Seriously, though–what the hell? I thought we’d get somewhere between 12 and 14 games out of him. Instead, if Kubiak’s latest is to be believed, there’s a chance we won’t even see him again this season. Fantastic.

Last week: 9-5
Season: 86-57

Week 11 Picks

Miami @ Philadelphia. I’ve never been to Philly, so everything I know about the city, I picked up from Rocky movies. For instance, meat packing plants have no supervisors, so you are free to go in and beat the shit out of beef. There are bums singing around burning trashcans on every corner. And people will pay rapt attention to computer-simulated boxing matches during SportsCenter. Odd place, Philadelphia. Pick: Philadelphia

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta. A-T-L, Georgia, what can we do fo’ ya?/ Bulldoggin’ hoes like them Georgetown Hoyas/ Boy you sounding silly, think my Brougham ain’t sittin’ pretty/ Doin’ doughnuts ’round you suckas like them circles around titties. Pick: Atlanta

Cleveland @ Baltimore. I’m as baffled as you are by this Cleveland team. You know what’s not baffling, though? Baltimore’s complete lack of offense. Pick: Cleveland

San Diego @ Jacksonville. From the city of Jacksonville website: “When it comes to spectator sports in Jacksonville, there’s no question that football is king. And the king’s throne is Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, which opened in August 1995, and is home of the Jacksonville Jaguars of the National Football League.” OH, those Jacksonville Jaguars. I’m glad they specified. Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans @ JUGGERNAUT. Yeah, yeah, yeah…2006 Draft, blah blah. Whatever. This game is all about one thing–Reggie Bush’s vagina. Pick: HOUSTON

Kansas City @ Indianapolis. I cannot come up with a situation where the Colts would lose this game, even if they weren’t coming off back-to-back losses. So, instead, another story from when I lived in Kansas City. I was working out at my usual gym, which had this shitty, indoor basketball court. It was all of the usual people for the most part, including former Chief and current color-commentator JC Pearson. All of the sudden, we hear this buzz, as if a LOT more people have stopped lifting and started watching the crappy basketball game. Then, I figured out why–KC resident and (then) LA Laker Tyronne Lue had showed up and actually wanted to play. Somehow–and I will never understand why until the day I die–I wound up guarding him on five possessions. The first two times, he drained a three over me. The third, he crossed over, I fell down, and he hit a jumper. The fourth, though, right as he moved left, I stuck out my hand and stole the ball for a fast break layup. Before I could gloat, however, he caught a pass in the corner, blew past the guy closest to him, and basically jumped over me to dunk the ball. For the rest of the time I went to that gym, I was known as “the dude Lue dunked on.” Pick: Indianapolis

New York Giants @ Detroit. This could actually be one of the best games of the week, but I am completely uninspired by it. I think it’s because I hate the Lions. Pick: New York Giants

Carolina @ Green Bay. Everyone else will be pointing out that a Vinnie v. Brett matchup is a whole lot of combined years at QB. Fuck that. The more interesting story is that a Brett v. Mittens matchup pits two guys who could not be less alike against one another. It’s George Clooney v. Perez Hilton. Pick: Green Bay

Oakland @ Minnesota. Thirty years ago, I was happily gestating somewhere in southern MO, Rod Stewart was burning up the airways with “Tonight’s The Night,” and this pairing was your Super Bowl matchup. None of that really matters much, except I just realized that I am getting really close to turning thirty. Fuck. Pick: Oakland

Arizona @ Cincinnati. Hey, Marvin, when you inevitably get fired at the end of the year (if not sooner), would you have any interest in returning to a defensive coordinator position? If so, please send your resume to Gary Kubiak, 1 Reliant Park, Houston, TX 77054. (Oh, Richard Smith, if you could start boxing up your stuff, that would be great.) Pick: Arizona

Pittsburgh @ New York Jets. Horrible confession: I was a little disappointed that the J-E-T-S fireman guy wasn’t among the casualties on 9/11. Does this make me a bad person? (Like I really need to ask.) Pick: Pittsburgh

Chicago @ Seattle. [Author's note: Horrible, obvious joke coming.] They’re bringing Rexy back. Them other QBs don’t know how to act. Lovie, let him make up for all the things you lack. Let Rexy air it out because we’re sinking fast. [/horrible, obvious joke] Pick: Seattle

St. Louis @ San Francisco. Goddamn, this game sucks. Pick: St. Louis

Washington @ Dallas. Sean Taylor is hurt. This is bad. Strangely, he is still better in coverage than Roy Williams. Also, because I have nothing else, fuck the Cowboys. Pick: Dallas

New England @ Buffalo. Will they get to 19-0? I’m not sure. Will they beat the Bills? You bet your sweet titties. Pick: New England

Tennessee @ Denver. DGDB&D reader (and part-time instigator) Tman is going to be at this game. With any luck, Barrel Man will expose himself to Tman and the other Titans fans just as Ian Gold knocks Vince Young unconscious. Regardless, the odds of me busting out the live blog for this game are pretty good. Pick: Denver

And, with that, the waters parted and all of my sane readers ran away

Nov 16, 2007 Batman, Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fake Conversations with Biblical Characters, Injury bug, National Media, Reggie Bush, Reservoir Dogs, Tempting Fate, Too far?

Sports Bar in Heaven, 6 Kislev 5768 (Heaven does not buy into the Gregorian calendar)

God: (to other people at his table) …this was during the Los Angeles marijuana drought of 1986. I still had a connection. Which was insane, ’cause people couldn’t get weed anyfuckinwhere then. Anyway, I had a connection with this hippie chick up in Santa Cruz and all my friends knew it. And they’d give me a call and say, “Hey, God…hey, dude, you gettin’ some, you think you could get me some too?” They knew I smoked, so they’d ask me to buy a little for them when I was buying for myself. But it got to be that everytime I bought some weed, I was buyin for four or five different people. Finally I said, “Fuck this shit.” I’m makin’ this bitch rich. She didn’t have to do jack shit; she never even had to meet these people. I was doin’ all the work…then that got to be a pain in the ass. People called me on the phone all the fuckin’ time. I couldn’t rent a fuckin’ tape without six fucking phone calls interrupting me. “Hey, when’s the next time you’re gettin’ some?” “Motherfucker, I’m tryin to watch The Lost Boys! When I have some, I’ll let you know.” And then these rinky-dink pot heads come by–they’re my friends and everything, but still, y’know? I got all my shit laid out in sixty dollar bags. They don’t want sixty dollars worth. They want ten dollars worth. Breaking it up is a major fuckin pain in the ass. I don’t eve–

St. Peter: (interrupting) Sorry dude, but you need to see this. (conjures up magical heavenly computer monitor out of mid-air) It seems a blogger has been writing prayers to you in the hopes that you would heal and/or hurt certain professional football players.

God: Son of a bitch. I swear to Me, this is all because that assbag Jon Kitna has convinced people that I care about football. Why am I supposed to give two shits about the outcome of NFL games? The only thing the NFL is good for is helping me figure out which people have no shot at Heaven. Oh, speaking of, what’s the latest on Mike Vick?

St. Peter: Sentencing in December; still on the “get anally fisted in Hell” list. But, that’s not why I showed you this, though. It appears that this blogger, a “Matt Campbell,” decided that you were ignoring his prayers, so he began offering the same to some Hindu god.

God: WHAT?! Jesus Christ!

Jesus: (jumping up) Yeah, dad?!

God: It’s just an expression; sit down. (turns back to Peter) A Hindu god, huh? How did that work out for him?

St. Peter: Well, that’s just it. He prayed that a “Petey Faggins” would be removed from the starting lineup and, sure enough, it happened! I guess I don’t have to tell you that this has caused a few whispers among the living.

God: Fuck no, you don’t need to tell me! I’m omnipotent, asshole!

Job: Then how did you not already know about this?

God: Better question, smart guy–why are you going to walk with a limp for eternity? (smites Job’s knee) Talk to me, Peter. What do I need to do?

St. Peter: That’s the good news. The Texans are playing the Saints this weekend and, were you to see fit to injure a certain running back, I think you’d re-convert some of the doubters. You just have to tweak his knee a little bit, maybe give him a tor–

God: I’m on it. (smites Ahman Green, rendering him inactive for Sunday’s game)

St. Peter: NO!!!! Dude, I meant Reggie Bush!!!

God: Reggie Bush?!? Are you out of your fucking mind, Peter? I LOVE that kid! Don’t you watch ESPN? I’d sooner smite the Savior of mankind over there before I’d hurt Reggie! That’s my DAWG, yo!

St. Peter: But, if he’s your favorite, why is he only averaging 3.7 yard per carry for his career? What gives?

God: Dude, even my powers have limits.

24-17

Nov 4, 2007 2007 Season, Athletes who don't stab people, Batman, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Injury bug, Matt Turk rules, Posts that list too many players, The Fred, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

It wasn’t comfortable, it wasn’t injury-free, and, for the most part, it wasn’t pretty. But it will certainly do.

What went right?

• Hello, Ron Dayne. It’s good to see you again. I still cannot figure out how you slithered 14 yards for that TD, but it was much appreciated. Of course, the fact that you are our first 100-yard rusher this season makes me a little ill, but it explains a lot.
• Sage-to-Davis might be the homeless man’s 4th-quarter Montana-to-Rice. Or not. But it’s still really damn good right now.
• (Seriously, 122 yards for Dayne? I have no explanation.)
• Kudos to the pass defense. Three INTs (including DeMeco Ryans getting his reversed, then going and getting another) and only 158 yards allowed was a good showing. Sure, it was Josh McCown, but that still counts.
• Fred Bennett, in addition to getting his first career pick, played well in his first game as a starter. I am a big fan of the Fred. I still want Nnamdi Asomugha, but I love Fred.
• Kevin Walter was kept out of the endzone, but all three of his catches went for first downs. You gotta love that.
• Will Demps got a lot of reps and played well. Even the penalty called against him late was a shaky call (it didn’t really look like he led with his head according to both radio broadcasts). Plus, let’s not forget that he is “the most metrosexual brother in the NFL possibly.” That’s always fun.
• Amobi Okoye. Sack #5. VIVA OKOYE!!!
• Ahman Green–before he managed to leave AGAIN with an injury–looked awesome both receiving and rushing. For just a moment, I was beginning to not regret his signing.
• Danny Clark played like a man possessed for most of the game and came away with five tackles, an INT, and the knowledge that Justin Fargas fears him.
• Sage Rosenfels. Not spectacular. Just efficient. 180+, game-clinching TD pass, only one INT. What more can you ask from your backup QB?

What went wrong?

• Dunta Robinson’s injury. Look, all joking aside, it’s not my fault unless you really buy into voodoo and the like. Because, as we saw with the Colorado Rockies, the Almighty does not care about sports teams. Still, it sucks immeasurably. According to Tim, the injury looked like the type that ends seasons. And Kubiak’s post-game comments apparently echo this without saying as much. Damn.
• Petey Faggins. It’s bad enough that Dunta’s injury ruined what had been great news and forced Petey into action. But adding insult to that was the way Josh McCown decided, “hell, even I can throw on this dude.” The final TD that made the game, you know, close and un-relaxing? Guess who that was thrown at. Go on…guess.
• He started off on the good list, but that injury to Batman’s knee lands him down here, too. Seriously, Ahman? ANOTHER game cut short by injury? Thanks, dude. Remember early in the preseason, when I was suggesting that you’d give us at least 14 healthy games? Man…
• Matt Turk. It wasn’t that he was awful top-to-bottom, but that 10-yard punt when we really, really needed to pin them deep was so Stanley-esque that I screamed at the radio. Between that kick and last week’s muff, some of the new car smell is fading from Turk.

In the end, all that matters is that we won, of course. Still, reading that list, you wouldn’t think that a game with so many positives against a team like Oakland would have been that close on the scoreboard. If Turk hits that last punt deep, the game probably stays a 14-point margin.

Whatever. I’ll take it.

Boo!

Oct 31, 2007 2007 Season, Adimchinobe Echemandu is fun to say, Andre Johnson, Batman, Houston Chronicle, Injury bug, Nigerian Mafia, The Schaub Experiment

Because I aspire to be nothing moreso than evenhanded,¹ I should point to John McClain’s entry from today.²

If the Texans can keep from embarrassing themselves at Oakland the way they did at San Diego and escape with a victory, they’ll stop the bleeding momentarily.
[...]
The Texans need to run the ball like they did at San Diego, where they outrushed the Chargers 115 yards to 109 — thanks to Adimchinobe Echemandu. They also must continue to play that kind of run defense, something that had been lacking in recent weeks.

Obviously, the Texans can’t continue to turn over the ball. They’ve committed 23 turnovers, including 11 in the last two games.

And it would help, of course, if the defense could actually force some turnovers.
[...]
If the Texans defeat the Raiders, enter their week off 4-5 and get back Schaub and Johnson, those of us with the glass-is-half-full philosophy will feel better.

The rest of you won’t, because your glass is always half-empty, and you expect — indeed, almost welcome — the kind of incompetence the Texans have shown so you can say, “I told you so.”

While I still think the playoffs are out of reach already–losing your first three division games and being in last in your division at the half-way point is a big ass mountain to climb–McClain is right in his assertion that this is the last chance to really put together a “good” season. If we lose the Raiders and fall to 3-6, the odds of getting to even .500 are slim. That would require, obviously, a 5-2 record to end the year.³

Not impossible obviously, save for two things. First, teams that start 3-6 rarely decide to right the ship and finish 5-2; there is a reason you get to 3-6 in the first place. Second, the schedule only gets harder from here, with @Titans, Broncos, @Colts, Jaguars, and even a game with the upstart Browns @Cleveland.

Now note: With that kind of road ahead, I am not saying that winning this Sunday and going into the bye week at 4-5 makes us a lock for a winning record. Far from it. Still, I can at least fathom the idea that this team can finish 4-3 and sneak out a win or two against “better” teams. 5-2, on the other hand, seems less likely at this moment than the Patriots going 19-0.

Now we just need to find a way to win without Matt Schaub. Or Andre Johnson. Or Ahman Green. Or Adminchinobe Echemandu.

There’s a Halloween scare for you.⁴

¹ Not counting “rich,” “Paris Hilton hot,” “the owner of many, many monkeys,” “reincarnated as Monica Bellucci’s underwear,” “quoted in the Wall Street Journal,” “tall,” and “a ninja.”
² We haven’t done footnotes in a while, have we? This is fun. Wheeeeeeeeee.
³ Math!
⁴ Not for nothin’, but the giving out candy gets more entertaining with each passing beer. Father of the year, bitches!

Someone get Tony Hollings on the line, I guess

Oct 31, 2007 2007 Season, Adimchinobe Echemandu is fun to say, Batman, Injury bug, Nigerian Mafia, Ron Dayne likes pie

Because Baby Jesus has decided that I am not allowed to be happy with anything Texans-related this year, it appears that my latest crush, Adimchinobe Echemandu, might be sidelined with a gimpy hamstring.

He apparently tweaked it in San Diego, most likely as he tried to outrun our ineptitude, and played through the pain.

If Echemandu can’t go, we’re pretty much screwed Ron Dayne will likely get the carries. (I say this on the far-fetched assumption that Ahman Green won’t be healthy). Dayne is not 100% either, however, as in related news, he continues to play through sucky fatness.

Three and out

Oct 16, 2007 2007 Season, Andre Johnson, Batman, Beer, Boobies, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity

A number of people have posted this link and/or emailed it to me. Apparently, there are rumors–granted, they stem from a chat at the Chron, so take them with a pound of salt–that Ahman Green could be “one and done” with the Texans.

The Houston Chronicle believes the Texans’ signing of Ahman Green could wind up being “a one-year stint.”

Green has been unproductive and hurt during his first six games as a Texan, and the contract he signed in March was only a year-to-year commitment. Beat ["]writer["] Megan Manfull indicates that Houston’s willingness to keep Green will depend on whether he can stay healthy during the second half.

Ignoring the redundancy in the second paragraph (all NFL contracts are nothing more than a “year-to-year” or even “week-to-week” commitment), this would seem to make sense. The reasons behind getting Green were (a) we needed a running back, (b) we thought he had enough left in the tank to give us 14 or 15 solid games, and (c) he knew the system by virtue of having played under Mike Sherman in Green Bay. Now, while (a) seems to still be very true and (c) is arguably still correct, (b) looks like a pretty faulty assumption. On top of which, this upcoming drafted is ridiculously loaded with RBs, especially first-round quality RBs. If we can punt Ahman’s salary for next season and use it on a Steve Slaton or Felix Jones (or, if we keep playing like we did last week, Darren McFadden), we’re probably better off longterm. So, I guess you could put me down in the “yeah, that makes sense” camp regarding this story.

In somewhat-related-but-not-really news, Vince Young is currently listed as day-to-day, which might be the least insightful label a coach can put on a player. All that really means is, what, that he’s alive today and likely will be alive tomorrow? Whatever. Anyway, this is great news for those of us who are far more concerned with “win the fucking game” than with “see if we can beat Vince.” I really have no issues with us having LenDale White killed–can you imagine the amount of jerky you could make from his corpse?–and tipping off police to the child porn that we had surreptitiously placed on Keith Bulluck’s cell phone. I just want to win the game, goddamnit.

Elsewhere on the injury front, Kubiak is apparently “hopeful” that Andre Johnson will be ready to go this week. This version of “hopeful” is somehow different from the “hopeful” of previous weeks, in that this one is grounded in some sort of reality. Nice. Considering the state of our offense over the past three weeks, Andre starting would make me happier than just about anything in the whole universe that didn’t involve boobies or beer.