DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

10. He inspired the following as recently as last October:

When you watch Cedric Benson run the football you’re struck by two contrasting traits. He doesn’t go out of his way to make people miss, preferring to try and run people over, and he doesn’t seem to run the ball very hard. It’s hard enough to pull off the first thing in the NFL under any circumstances but impossible when you don’t run into the line like a runaway train. Too often, Benson appears to go down at first contact and appears to be missing the assertiveness you need to be a successful NFL running back.

9. He was so disliked by his teammates in Chicago that “about ten” Bears defensive players tried to hurt him in practice.  I would prefer Mario to continue trying to murder opposing QBs and not have him disembowel a teammate.

8. He is coming off a season-ending broken leg that required a plate in his lower leg, near his ankle.  Maybe it is completely healed with no lingering after-effects, but do you really want to take that chance?  Do you REALLY want to risk having him make the roster, only to then find out, oops, I guess it wasn’t totally perfect?  Because, maybe I am old fashioned, but I think we’ve got enough injury questions in our backfield as it is.

7. He is a summa cum laude (loud?) graduate of the Fred Smoot School of Nautical Recreation.

6. According to beef,

this guy me and some friends met at a party, who went to UT, and played with C-bong at Midland Lee [...] said that everyone on Lee’s team hated his guts because he was such a prick, and all he cared about were his numbers [...] and he was a whiny finger-pointer.  Anyway, the dude said that he had several other friends on UT’s team, and when he’d tell them he was from Lee, they’d bring up how much everyone on UT’s team hated his ass too for the same shit.  You could also tell it from watching their games.  He’d always be standing by himself on the sidelines and no one would ever come up to him for congratulatory or “keep your head up” comments.

Is that nothing but hearsay?  You bet.  But it’s fully admissible in the Court of Matt Fucking Hates You.

5. His boat parties don’t end well.  “Yeah, yeah…suuuuure you weren’t drinking.”

4. About a month after deciding boating wasn’t for him, he took the same strategy to the open road, only with fewer hoes and no bag of Sun Chips.  This fantastic story ends with a court-ordered breathalyzer ignition lock.  So I’m guessing the judge didn’t buy the excuses.

3. The idea that he can fall forward for 4 yards a pop is tenuous at best, considering he fell forward for 3.4 YPC last year before tearing his mangina breaking his leg.  He did manage 4.1 YPC in 2006.  You know who else managed 4.1 in 2006?  Ron “Meringue” Dayne.  And Dayne had 4.0 YPC in 2007.  And he did it all without endangering the public, eating Sun Chips with hoes, or getting arrested multiple times.

2. According to the Chicago Sun-Times,

The worst part of it is that Benson isn’t a viable reserve because he doesn’t pass block, play special teams, or help on third downs. He could be low on the depth chart (emphasis added).

I’m guessing that could be a problem as we break in a rookie LT and try to keep Matt Schaub upright all year.  Just sayin’.

1. He’s not a good fit for a true zone blocking system.  Thomas Jones was the cut-back style runner on the Bears and he was shipped to New York because the Bears thought Benson’s “pounding” (and I use that term as loosely as it can be employed) style was a better fit for them.  He doesn’t have the speed to get the outside zone consistently (and he runs upright on outside runs), yet he lacks the vision to properly cut back and go. And I’m not the only one who says this stuff:

If there’s one thing we know post-trade, it’s that the Bears offensive line was suspect/borderline shitty last season too.  Their inability to open solid running lanes was masked by the cut-back running style of Thomas Jones.  When Jones took the hand-off from Grossman and realized his blockers hadn’t cleared any space, he was able to manufacture extra yardage.  Even then, he still danced around the backfield too often and was never able to break off any long runs.

So it should be no surprise that Benson is struggling.  He is strictly a straight-ahead, power runner; if the hole isn’t open, he’s not going anywhere.  I’ve seen better run blocking from plastic lineman on an electric football table than what the Bears have shown this year.

Shiner Black is pretty awesome.

More updates as events warrant.

(As an aside, I will be laid up from Thursday PM through next Wednesday AM.  Expect much posting, though don’t expect much quality therein.)

Unless you live in a cave on the Internet, or you think newspapers still have a ton of upside, you may have missed this at deadspin.

Look, I know that I’ve gone off on the Jurassic media before. Don’t worry, that’s not my intent here, even though I could easily type 1000 words on the subject.

Yesterday, I saw what one of the best bloggers in the biz, Orson Swindle, had to say. In the spirit of his post, consider this an open thread for questions about me. Yes, it’s ego-centric and arrogant and serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. However, after the Christmas Ape got dooced and this dust-up about the blogosphere and credentials and whatever, I think it’s worth a go - though I can’t exactly go too far.

With apologies to Matt, Steph, and all of you who don’t give a shit, here we go:

Why the fuck do I blog: Because I like to write. I have an undergrad in English from THE University of Texas at Austin. I like to write. I don’t suck at it…too badly. I’d put my body of work against the chron’s any day. I love sports, and I love to talk about sports. Being able to express my opinion is fun. I encourage all opinions at a reasonable level of discourse.

Why do I blog anonymously?: See dooced above. I don’t do this full-time, and I really can’t afford to lose my job. You’ll notice that I don’t talk about my job and I don’t say for whom I work. This is done on purpose. As long as people like Christmas Ape can be fired for no particular reason other than blogging, I am paranoid. Add that I work in a conservative industry, all the more so.

Do I live in my mother’s basement?: No. First, in this part of Texas, there really aren’t any basements. The only known basement is Tim’s mother’s. I live in Austin. In 15 years or less, I will own my house outright. It’s not a big house, but it’s what I like. I live in the middle of the city, but I have awesome views and I can bike to a ton of places.

So, why the fuck is it OK for you to blog?: I never said it was. I blog because I can. I blog because I want to. If blogging is no longer fun - even this post will take an hour to put up - I will quit. Blogging is harder work than it looks. If you don’t believe me, ask Steph of Tim or Hilton. It’s not easy. And when you don’t do it full time, it’s even harder. Still, I love the Texans, and that’s why I’m here (well, that, and Matt’s temporary lack of sanity).

Have you been spayed or neutered?: Why, yes! Yes I have. Thanks for asking. Jerk.

Religion/Politics: I only add this because Orson did, but I am going to skirt the issue a little. Just as I believe all people should be able to express their opinion, they should be able to express their religion. Politically, I am socially liberal and fiscally conservative.

Edumacation: As mentioned, English undergrad with several minors, and I am working toward my MBA (I’ll go into homework mode right after this post).

Career: Not much to say here, but I have been published in over 100 magazines, newspapers, pamphlets, and websites across our great nation (and SE Asia). Unfortunately, I did all this as a ghost writer, so little of it is to my credit. As a special note to Little Dickie Justice, age 12, and Pancakes McClain: I make more than you both do, so bite me. Oh, while in school, I was the co-host for a sports show for three years. So, yes, I know the power of credentials (and they mean SHIT!).

Family: Wife and two kids: a son of 5 and a daughter at 1 1/2.

What do I look like?: Something about like this:

Dramatic Ending: I’ll end on this note. I hate the traditional media. I don’t watch TV, and when I watch sports, I rarely have the sound on. One of my minors is journalism, and somebody on deadspin.com reminded me of this: as a journalist, you are told you are the gatekeeper of information. Hasn’t this gatekeeper mentality gotten us into enough trouble already? That’s why I blog, and it’s why I read blogs. I’m not saying there’s no place for the traditional media - we need somebody to be the stenographer for coaches and managers and players and politicians - but I strongly believe that the best quality of work is at blogs.

Any questions? I’m ready to move away from these inane discussions, but as long as dinosaurs like Buzz Bissinger stalk the earth, these are slightly necessary. Kinda.

/being arrogant ass

Question: If I am driving around at 3AM with a BAC of .13 and, upon stopping at a red light, I lose consciousness with the car still in gear, would you say I have merely “fallen asleep” or would I be “blacked out like a motherfucker”?

Because I am thinking it would be the latter, but this Chron article suggests it is the former. Even better, there are assertions that the whole thing was done with the utmost care. No, seriously.

Richards said Jones was cooperative and seemed remorseful. He was taken into custody and charged with driving while intoxicated. The bail, set at $500, was paid later Sunday morning.

[Jones' attorney, Chip] Lewis said Jones was stopped safely and was wearing his seat belt when officers found him (emphasis added).

Really, Chip? Stopped “safely?”

Hello, peoples. Travis Johnson here. As the team’s resident expert on St. Patrick’s Day, I wanted to share some of my learnin’ with y’all. I live to edumacate the masses.

First, you are probably wondering why I am the team’s expert, seeing as how I don’t exactly look Irish. That shit is RACIST, dawg. My great-great grandfather, Seamus McJohnson, came over on, like, a boat and shit. What, you didn’t know that there were black Irishmen? And y’all think I am dumb. Sheeeeeiiiiiiit.

Anyway, the point is I know a lot about St. Patrick’s Day and I am going to spit some of that knowledge your way.

Now, St. Patrick was this dude who lived in Ireland, like, WAY back. Like before Christopher Columbo even found Texas. His real name was Maewyn, which is really gay, so he just started going by Patrick. When he was, like, 16, he was kidnapped by some other Irish dudes and sold into slavery. I think he had to pick potatoes and shit. He escaped from the kidnappers and ran away to France, which was called “Gaul” back then because French people is stupid.

While he was in France, Patrick studied Christianity from…um…Jesus and he was all like “Yo, dude, this Bible shit is tight. I’m gonna go back to Ireland and tell my whole posse about it. Thanks French Jesus!”

Patrick drove back to Ireland and started telling all his boys about Christianity. He was straight spittin’ the Word to anyone who would listen. This made a rival gang, the Celtic Druids, mad. They snatched him up a bunch of times, but Patrick kept escapin’ like the motherfuckin’ birdman. Caw, bitches.

Peoples axe me all the time, “Travis, why do we have some of the St. Patrick’s traditions like parades and corned beef and shamrocks and shit?” Simple, my friends…those are all things that Patrick liked. Parades? Patrick used to round up his posse and C-walk through the streets, talking about “Jesus saves, bitch! Northside Jesus, what?!” This pissed the Celtic Druids off like whoa, but Patrick did that shit anyway. Corned beef? Well, a lot of those hoes back in old ass Ireland had the syphillis, but they called it “blarney dick,” and it made your thang look like corned beef. Nowadays, we just eat the corned beef because that shit tastes good as long as you don’t think about dicks. And shamrocks? We all know Patrick liked to fire up a little of that sticky green–who doesn’t?!–and it don’t get stickier or greener than some hydroponic Irish shamrocks. Oooooweeee! That shit is the fire, yo! I ain’t even playin’ with ya…I mean, uh, that’s what I’ve heard. Travis don’t smoke the green no mo’.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, so Patrick did this preachin’ and convertifyin’ in Ireland for, like, 30 years and then he retired. He died on March 17, so that’s why this date was made into a holiday. And that’s the story of St. Patrick’s Day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my “Suck Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt and go suckerpunch some old ladies.

According to various sources (most notably, reader Eric who alerted us to the “rumor” at 11:30am), Jacoby Jones was arrested early this morning for driving while intoxicated.

Of course, the team has no comment until the facts come out. Which means that Gary and Co. will issue a “we’re really disappointed in Jacoby, but he has told us that he’s sorry” statement in a day or two. And that’s fine, I suppose; I mean, if this is the worst thing that our players do all offseason, we’ve gotten off light by today’s NFL standards. And, yes, JJ is only 23 and this is the type of stupid, youthful thing that 23-year-olds do frequently in the real world. I get that.

All that said, however, I would think that a punt returner/4th receiver who had a great preseason and a forgettable regular season (and who already lost half of his special teams duties to the Special Teams Ninja) would do his best to avoid doing anything stupid. I mean, we all love Jacoby (some of us to alarming degrees), but we don’t love him in the same, wouldn’t-trade-him-for-anyone way that we love DeJesus, Mario, and Andre. No, our love for Jones is of the “wow…this kid might just be something someday” variety. That’s not a hard love to forget if it goes unrequited for very long.

No, I am not saying that I am done with Jacoby. He’s not Travis Johnson or anything; I don’t hate him with the hot burning intensity of a thousand suns. I still want to believe the hype and I want him to wind up being great. More importantly, though, I want him to want to be great and to act like he wants to be great. Shape up, kid.

God, I feel old.

According to Pancakes, the Texans have signed the execrable Jacques Reeves. My favorite line of the article:

At 5-11, 188 pounds, the 25-year-old Reeves is the veteran cornerback the Texans targeted.

W.T.F? Are you kidding me? Well, at least he adds this:

They’re still going to draft a cornerback, maybe two, and they might sign another veteran.

Ya think? And if Reeves really was that key veteran CB, why would we need to go out and sign another half dozen players?

I went to see what Tim had to say, and that guy could make lemonade out of a gallon of goat piss. Alas, I am not similarly gifted. I’m more the guy who sits on his porch and throws rakes at squirrels, yelling “Get off my lawn!” Kids, of course, get ice picks.

Because I get this perverse enjoyment from watching the Cowboys suck, I openly rooted for teams to throw against Reeves as he reminded me of DGDB&D Hall of Famer Petey Faggins. This was, and will be, a poor signing, and I feel like we have to take a CB with #18 in order to simply keep Reeves off the field. I just don’t think we have a choice now. But, luckily, our new Texan who’ll resemble a Molotov cocktail will cost only $4MM/year.

Where’s my rubbing alcohol? I could really use a drink.

Like I mentioned in the last post, I am BBQing today. (You can go back and re-read that post if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait.

…

Ok? Moving on.) Anyway, one of the real joys of this chore is that it takes about 10 hours (minimum) to do correctly, meaning there is ample time to study the Old Testament drink beer.

Which brings me to my question: I cracked my first beer open at 5:45 AM; does this mean I am an overachiever or that I might have a problem?

There is something about the first day of really shitty weather each winter that makes me bust out the old guitar and waste the afternoon. As I was playing today, however, I thought to myself, “I really don’t do this often enough…I should make a New Year’s resolution to play more often!”

Anyway, lameness of my inner conversations aside, I was struck by the fact that no one ever seems to make resolutions that reflect the hedonistic, self-destructive, and questionably-legal things they actually want to do. All we ever hear are “I want to lose weight” and “I want to learn a foreign language” and “I want to catch up on my child support.” Where are the “I will have much more meaningless sex” and “I will drink my body weight in bourbon weekly” that would actually please us if we carried through with them? Think about it–if someone gave you the choice between learning Spanish or having sex with 40 members of the gender of your choosing, which would you pick? Si usted dijo el “Spanish,” usted es un mentiroso. [Author's note: my Spanish sucks.]

To that end, I present the first annual DGDB&D New Year’s Blogolutions. In 2008, I will:

• use the words “fuck” and its derivatives (fucknut, fuckstick, fucktard, etc.) more often.
• make at least one post questioning the heterosexuality of random players and coaches each month.
• continue to mock David Carr and laugh at his failures, even as he becomes less and less relevant to Texans fans.
• continue to make bets of liquor with people I have never met. (Hopefully, I will win one at some point.)
• make a trip to Austin next season to watch a game and get as drunk as possible with people I met on the internet.
• embrace the dorkiness inherent in blogging. And then molest it.
• push fake conversations to the point that someone sends me a cease and desist letter.
• run better between the tackles than Reggie Bush.
• maintain my dominance in Google searches for “Filipino tranny porn” and try to improve my ranking for “houston bukkake parties” and “texans blog.”
• create wildly speculative pre-draft rumors, and proclaim my brilliance for any that might come true.
• convince myself by February that the Texans will make the playoffs in 2008.

Feel free to leave yours in the comments.

I would like to apologize to whatever cosmic force I angered. My bad. Really. Now that I have admitted my guilt, could you please stop damning me with horrible officemates? I mean, haven’t you ever heard the philosophy that once a man admits that he’s wrong, that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? It’s not like I’m making you pick up itty bitty pieces of skull on account of my dumb ass.

In addition to his incredible insights on Day 1, Dipshit Cowboys Fan Officemate (DCFO) has offered the following (note, some of these are only mind-numbingly stupid if you are a lawyer, I suppose):

• (in response to my bitching about Mario getting shafted) DeMarcus Ware has more sacks than Mario. My response: 11 is more than 13? Weird. When did that happen? Was there a press conference?
• (in response to someone asking him about bail) Are bail and bond the same thing?
• (moments later, displaying his total ignorance of the 8th Amendment) I guess they can set any bond amount they want. I can’t find anything in the case law that says it has to be reasonable.
• (regarding the 11 Cowboys on the Pro Bowl roster) With Sean Taylor gone, Roy Williams is easily the best safety in football. (I damn near spit out my coffee on this one.)
• (regarding Zoolander) David Carr could have been a Hall of Fame quarterback if you guys would have protected him.
• (regarding college) Him: I don’t understand these black kids at places like Florida State that get in trouble every year. This never would have happened at my school. Me: Where’d you go? Him: BYU.

So…yeah. This is what I am dealing with. I am currently trying to get someone to trade offices with me, but that’s not going all that well. I should probably stop beginning those negotiations with “Jesus Christ, I have to get out of that office before I light that retard on fire.”

Anyway, on to the picks. I followed the amazing perfection of two weeks ago with a hot, wet shitstorm last week. Oh well.

Last week: 9-5

Season: 135-81

Week 16 Picks

Dallas @ Carolina. Panthers fans should be happy. You think Tony Romo was distracted by Jessica Simpson’s presence last week. That’s NOTHING compared to the way he will be eyeball-fucking Zoolander. Unfortunately, Carolina fans, your team still eats balls. Pick: Dallas

JUGGERNAUT @ Indianapolis. I want to do it. I want to put down that we are going to roll into the RCA Dome, Mario is going to nail Manning more often than Kenny Chesney does, and the JUGGERNAUT is going to come out 8-7. I want to believe. And, since it’s my blog, I’m going to, goddamnit. Pick: Houston

Green Bay @ Chicago. I was just talking to my wife about DCFO and she said, “you are so negative…he can’t be that bad.” My son, standing in the background, said “Mom, he’s a Cowboys fan.” I’m the motherfucking father of the year. Pick: Green Bay

Cleveland @ Cincinnati. A possible player to keep in mind when the free agent signings start happening: Justin Smith. He’s never become the #1 DE that people thought he would, but he’s still damn good. If you could get him at a reasonable price–probably unlikely, though there are enough DE FAs this season that it is possible–he might just become a monster opposite Mario. I’m just sayin’. (Or, if you are like Tim and would rather see Travis Johnson beheaded like a kidnapped Westerner kicked to the curb, it’s worth noting that Pat Williams will be a FA as well. Put him between Mario and Manchild and you might have sheer fucking dominance. My sources say “sheer fucking dominance” is a good thing.) Pick: Cleveland

Oakland @ Jacksonville. Ideally, Oakland will win this game, Houston will win, and next week’s game will be picked up by NBC’s flex schedule due to the “trying for first winning record” v. “fighting for playoff positioning” storylines. Ideally. Problem–Oakland blows. Pick: Jacksonville

New York Giants @ Buffalo. All Eli Manning wants for Christmas is one more win. He better hope Santa fucking delivers this weekend, though, because it ain’t happening next weekend. Pick: New York Giants

Kansas City @ Detroit. The Lions are collectively still walking funny after the ass pounding they got from LDT and Co. last week. Luckily for them, the Chiefs are more of a bottom than a top. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Pick: Detroit

Philadelphia @ New Orleans. Reggie Bush is saying that he might return either this week or the next. With how he’s played so far this year, can a torn knee ligament really make that much of a difference? Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’, Eddie! Pick: Philadelphia

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco. Jeff Garcia returns to the sight of some of his greatest glory holes. Pick: Tampa Bay

Atlanta @ Arizona. Dear Arthur Blank, Up Yours. Signed, God. Pick: Arizona

New York Jets @ Tennessee. If you have any questions about how this game is going, just call your friends in Austin. They can tell you. In other news, KEYE is still a bunch of fucknuts. Pick: Tennessee

Baltimore @ Seattle. Seattle gets to play the one team in football that suffered a more embarrassing loss than they did last week. You would think that both of these teams would be fired up, looking to get back on track. But Baltimore still can’t score and Seattle is still a collective of vaginas. Pick: Seattle

Miami @ New England. If you seriously believe that there is even a chance Miami wins this game, please see your doctor. Pick: New England

Washington @ Minnesota. I love Adrian Peterson. He is a beast. With even a semblance of passing game to take the 10th man out of the box, he’s a real threat for 2,400 yards. That said, I can pick up a blitzing linebacker better than he seems able or willing to do. Minnesota should win this game, but something is making me pick against them. Pick: Washington

Denver @ San Diego. My favorite thing about going home for Christmas (or any other reason) is that my mom owns a bar. Thus, pretty much every trip up there revolves around drinking for free until I pass out. This holiday will be no different. Which means I will likely be below radio depth until Sunday afternoon. Be good, kiddies. Pick: San Diego

The following things SUCK: Venereal disease, shitty drivers, shitty diapers, Collective Soul, Rascal Flatts, Albert Haynesworth’s personality, empty beer bottles, mothers-in-law, Petey Faggins, forcible sodomy (receiving), Cowboy fans, Oklahoma, an elbow to the throat (receiving), law school, The Houston Chronicle, Anna-Megan Raley (literally and figuratively), cold weather, the Dolphins, car horns that play “Dixie,” last call, drive-by shootings (receiving), Season 2 of The Wire, silent letters, Face/Off, St. Louis, the Bengals’ defense.

The following things are AWESOME: Blowjobs (receiving), Mario Williams, Ninfa’s, Willie Nelson, free beer, an elbow to the throat (giving), DeMeco Ryans, The Simpsons, Season 4 of The Wire, Raising Arizona, Roger Creager, football, jazz, this, boobies, car horns that play “Yellow Rose of Texas,” pulled pork, strippers, Andre Johnson, tequila, people who agree with me, and my record last week.

Last week: 15-0

Season: 126-76

Week 15 Picks

Tennessee @ Kansas City. If the Titans still played in Memphis, this would be a full-on BBQ Battle. They don’t, so it isn’t, but I really have nothing else here. For the record (and this is coming from someone who grew up on Kansas City BBQ), Memphis-style ribs and pulled pork beat the shit out of KC ribs and sliced pork. Sliced pork is for non-committal pussies who only want to cook for 6 hours. Pick: Tennessee

Baltimore @ Miami. Since I mentioned The Wire twice above, let me just say that I am actually excited for the final season to start. As an aside, McNulty could throw for 250 and two scores against Miami. And he’d be drunker than Kyle Orton while he did it. Pick: Baltimore

New York Jets @ New England. Spygate, shmygate. The only important thing here is that Randy Moss notch me about 40 fantasy points, since Carson Palmer just decided that he didn’t want Chad Johnson in the end zone. Fucker. Pick: New England

Buffalo @ Cleveland. I love Buffalo wings. Not because they are all that fantastic. I mean, they are good, but that’s not why I love them. I love them because, without them, we would not have Hooters. Hooters on a Sunday, my friend, is the perfect storm of wings, football, titties, and beer. Pick: Cleveland

Seattle @ Carolina. Word is Matt Moore is going to start this game. It’s about time for John Fox to make another appearance here, I suppose. What are the odds that Fox is considering getting liquored up and strolling into oncoming traffic? I’d have to think they were, at worst, 3 to 1. Pick: Seattle

Arizona @ New Orleans. Your “Reggie Bush, Feature Back” Moment of Zen. Oh. Wait. Nevermind. (evil laugh) Pick: Arizona

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay. We beat Tampa, Atlanta beat us, Tampa will roll Atlanta. God, that loss to The Fightin’ Harringtons grates on my nerves. Pick: Tampa Bay

Green Bay @ St. Louis. With San Fran’s win tonight, St. Louis slides into the #2 draft pick slot for the time being. This is important if, and only if, it prevents New England from getting Darren McFadden. Pick: Green Bay

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh. I keep having this hope that J’ville loses out and throws the whole wild card picture out of whack. It’s is Jacksonville, so that’s not really outside the realm of possibility. The slide begins here. Bonus points if Pittsburgh breaks MJD in half. Pick: Pittsburgh

Indianapolis @ Oakland. Blah. Pick: Indianapolis

Detroit @ San Diego. I have no basis for this, but I feel a 3 TD day from LDT in this one. I also predict Shawne Merriman will sack Kitna, do a retarded dance, then say something even dumber in the postgame conference. Pick: San Diego

Philadelphia @ Dallas. Would it be too much to ask for a goddamned tornado to take that place out while both teams were inside? Shit. What the fuck do I have to do? Pick: Dallas

Washington @ New York Giants. If you asked most Giants fans if, right now, they would trade Eli for Schaub straight up, they’d laugh, punch you in the face, and steal your watch. You could take this as an answer in the negative. Strangely, however, if you asked most Texans fans if they would make the deal, they would also answer in the negative. Pick: New York Giants

Chicago @ Minnesota. As much as I want to ride with Drunk Orton, the Bears are just too fucking shitty right now. Pick: Minnesota.

At some point on Tuesday, assuming Blogger doesn’t crash, this little corner of blogodelphia will cross the 40,000 hit threshold. Thus proving that there is always a market for jokes about beer-soaked underwear, Peyton Manning’s sex life, and Travis Johnson’s body parts.

I am as baffled as you.

(Thanks.)

UPDATE: Because a couple people have emailed and said that they are unable to register and leave comments here, I’ve switched the comments to allow unregistered commenters.

UPDATE 2: Of course, having posted this, Sitemeter appears broken today. Unless there have really been no readers in the last four hours.

UPDATE 3: Reader #40,000 was from Gonzaga University. Odd.

I suppose it goes without saying that this is not exactly where I hoped we would be at the halfway point. But I am going to say it anyway.

I hoped that this season would be the equivalent of sipping Clos du Mesnil 1995 with a supermodel on board your private jet.

I expected that this season would be the equivalent of enjoying Chateau Mouton Rothschild Pauillac 1986 on the patio of your 12,000 square foot oceanside villa.

Right now, this season is the equivalent of sucking stale PBR out of the G-string of a male stripper in the bathroom of a truckstop in Shamrock, TX.

You could say it’s not quite living up to expectations.

Look, I realize that we have been ravaged–decimated even–by injuries. Not many teams could lose their biggest weapon, their starting running back, both of their kick/punt returners, a starting safety and the safety’s first replacement, and their starting center and expect to contend for anything. Well, unless they were in the NFC, but that’s a different story.

The injuries are still no excuse for the play we’ve seen since kickoff of the Atlanta game. Poor (at best) defensive play-calling, mediocre clock-management, questionable roster decisions, the continued employment of Petey Faggins…any one of these would be troublesome. Having all of them? Well, that explains the current record.

I am currently trying to answer the question of “where do we go from here?” At our current level of play, the answer is 3-13. A more realistic number, barring some major changes, is probably 6-10. A best-case scenario would be 8-8.

I am going to split the baby and peg us at no more than 7 wins. Which would be the equivalent of drinking Chimay Bleue poolside with a couple of hot redheads who are milking you for free drinks and will absolutely not sleep with you.

Sad part is, with the taste of warm PBR still in your throat, that overpriced cocktease seems like a win.

Come 6AM tomorrow, I will be on my way to H-town. Anyone within shouting distance of the Bayou City who enjoys such things as, say, the Texans and alcohol should stop by Jimmie’s Place, 2803 White Oak Dr, 77007 at some time after 7PM. Those who do not like the Texans and alcohol are probably reading the wrong blog. May I suggest a different one which you might find more comfortable, comrade?

Expect nothing from me until Monday. Oh, and someone feed the dogs while I am gone.

By the way, if you think that you are likely to show up to the human sacrifice party, let me know either in the comments or by email so we can try to snag as much seating as we will need.

Update: We’ve bumped the start time for this soiree to 7PM in order to accomodate the geriatric crowd. The end time will likely not change.

After much hand-wringing, a few minutes of logistical planning, and even a little bit of skullduggery, the details for The Greatest Party Featuring Two Texans Blogs In The History Of The Universe Part Deux have been finalized.

Who: Anyone who can read this.

What: Drinking. Mocking one another. More drinking. Possibly lighting a bag of poop and putting it on Petey’s doorstep.

When: October 20, 2007, at 8:30PM 7:00PM

Where: Jimmie’s Place. 2803 White Oak Dr, Houston, TX 77007. The Houston Press describes Jimmie’s as:

a fine place to explore the dark depths of your musical pedigree, as the jukebox could be made to sing by a tone-deaf primate. Jef, a.k.a. Shaggy, one of Jimmie’s barkeeps, claims responsibility for its gem of a juke, which has been assembled with the kind of care and personality you just can’t get from a soulless Internet jukebox. Iggy and the Stooges, David Byrne, Loretta Lynn, the Cars, Bob Marley, GNR and a smattering of truly golden oldies don’t lie.

Why: Um… you did see the part about “Drinking,” right?

A number of people have posted this link and/or emailed it to me. Apparently, there are rumors–granted, they stem from a chat at the Chron, so take them with a pound of salt–that Ahman Green could be “one and done” with the Texans.

The Houston Chronicle believes the Texans’ signing of Ahman Green could wind up being “a one-year stint.”

Green has been unproductive and hurt during his first six games as a Texan, and the contract he signed in March was only a year-to-year commitment. Beat ["]writer["] Megan Manfull indicates that Houston’s willingness to keep Green will depend on whether he can stay healthy during the second half.

Ignoring the redundancy in the second paragraph (all NFL contracts are nothing more than a “year-to-year” or even “week-to-week” commitment), this would seem to make sense. The reasons behind getting Green were (a) we needed a running back, (b) we thought he had enough left in the tank to give us 14 or 15 solid games, and (c) he knew the system by virtue of having played under Mike Sherman in Green Bay. Now, while (a) seems to still be very true and (c) is arguably still correct, (b) looks like a pretty faulty assumption. On top of which, this upcoming drafted is ridiculously loaded with RBs, especially first-round quality RBs. If we can punt Ahman’s salary for next season and use it on a Steve Slaton or Felix Jones (or, if we keep playing like we did last week, Darren McFadden), we’re probably better off longterm. So, I guess you could put me down in the “yeah, that makes sense” camp regarding this story.

In somewhat-related-but-not-really news, Vince Young is currently listed as day-to-day, which might be the least insightful label a coach can put on a player. All that really means is, what, that he’s alive today and likely will be alive tomorrow? Whatever. Anyway, this is great news for those of us who are far more concerned with “win the fucking game” than with “see if we can beat Vince.” I really have no issues with us having LenDale White killed–can you imagine the amount of jerky you could make from his corpse?–and tipping off police to the child porn that we had surreptitiously placed on Keith Bulluck’s cell phone. I just want to win the game, goddamnit.

Elsewhere on the injury front, Kubiak is apparently “hopeful” that Andre Johnson will be ready to go this week. This version of “hopeful” is somehow different from the “hopeful” of previous weeks, in that this one is grounded in some sort of reality. Nice. Considering the state of our offense over the past three weeks, Andre starting would make me happier than just about anything in the whole universe that didn’t involve boobies or beer.