God Hates The Cowboys
Jul 30, 2008 Blasphemy, Fake Conversations with Real People, Fuck the Cowboys, Ha ha... you like the Lions, Horribly obvious jokes
Heaven, 12:03 PM GMT, God’s House (which looks a lot like something Gilbert Arenas would design).
God: I don’t get it, Job. Athletes are constantly giving me credit when they win. Why is that? Why the hell should I care who wins in college basketball for example? I HATE basketball. And hockey players? Shit, I hate Canada as a whole. So, like I said, I don’t get it. People seem to think I like every sport and every person equally and that, for whatever reason, I bless some teams and some athletes to win like I’m a benevolent Tim Donaghy or some shit.
Job: Yeah, I never understood that. The ones that crack me up are the diehard Christians who claim you helped them do everything. Does Jon Kitna really think you would make someone into a mediocre quarterback if you gave a rat’s ass about him?
God: Exactly! The last QB I helped out was Kurt Warner for a few years, and that had more to do with me thinking his perpetual five o’clock shadow—which I also created—was pretty awesome. And I got just as much joy from ceasing to help him as I did from seeing him succeed. Jon Kitna?!? Please. Jon Kitna can suck my dick. Fuck Jon Kitna.
Job: Where’s all this coming from, anyway, dude?
God: Eh, I dunno. I was thinking about those douchebag Cowboys and them re-incorporating that fucking hole in their new stadium so I could watch. What a bunch of fucking assholes. I’ve tried everything through the years—letting Satan buy them, giving them a gay QB, introducing Michael Irvin to coke, making Romo fumble that game-winning FG, consistently making Jacques Reeves look like Petey Faggins—and they STILL think I like them.
Job: Yeah. Hey, wait. You did a ton of shit to me, too, and said it was because you “loved” me!
God: Totally different, man. Totally different. That was…um…a test. Anyway, the point is, I fucking HATE the Cowboys. How can I get this across to them more effectively? I thought putting Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones on their roster would do the trick, but I guess not.
Job: Hmm. How about a natural disaster?
God: You mean like another flood?
Job: No, nothing that severe just, I dunno, shake them up a bit.
God: Great idea! (causes massive earthquake) Maybe that’ll teach ‘em! Suck on shaking earth, you filthy sonsabitches!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Leonard Davis (on Earth): AGGGHHHHH!!! FUCK!!! SHIT GODDAMN!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? THE SKY IS FALLING!!!! JESUS, SAVE ME!!!! (breaks down in tears)
Job: Nicely done, man. Really, top-notch work. Oh, hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you—did you have a hand in David Tyree’s catch?
God: Of course.
Job: So, does that mean you are a Giants fan?
God: Hell no. I just cannot fucking stand the Patriots. Bunch of cheatin’ homos.
Do you, Zaire, take this man and his blessed cock…
May 30, 2008 Blasphemy, Corky Johnson, Got that cheeba, Inflamed body parts, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit
Travis Johnson’s wedding photos.
Not pictured: whatever “incident” caused the pelvic inflamation, though I assume it involved a bridesmaid, an empty champagne bottle, and some sticky Bahamian weed.
Bentleysutra
May 7, 2008 Bitchephant, Blasphemy, Fake Conversations with Real People, Kevin Bentley, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Rendhel and Sid, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Will Demps: Man…this is some shit. How the fuck is Will Demps supposed to win this competition? Will Demps has to think of something.
(thinks of himself, naked on a bearskin rug, making love to a woman who looks like him)
No, no…Will Demps has to think of something different.
(thinks of himself masturbating to the thought of himself masturbating)
Goddamnit. There has to be a way. How can Will Demps get some sweet Rhonda Kubiak nappy and win this bet? Will Demps HAS to win…if only there was, like, a god or something that could just make her fall in love with Will Demps.
(thunder)
(lightning)
(suspicious-smelling smoke)
(peacock scream)
(porn music)
Demps: What in the motherfuck is THAT?!
Kama, Hindu God of Desire: Hello, there, young William.
Demps: The fuck?!
Kama: Young squire, I am Kama, the Hindu god of desire. I am here to help you win this bet.
Demps: Yo, dawg…your skin is, like, green and shit.
Kama: Yes, but that is not important. For, you see–
Demps: And, hold up…that’s not an elephant; that’s a buncha hoes crammed together to LOOK like an elephant!! How in the sweet fuck did you do THAT?!
Kama: My appearance is not important, William. What is important is that I can help you win this bet of which you speak. I am the god of desire and, when I shoot my arrows, I can make people fall in love.
Demps: Like cupid?
Kama: No, not like cupid! Cupid is a faggy little cherub who ripped off my game! Does cupid have a Bitchephant like I do? Does cupid get down with, like, 100 hoes a day? DOES CUPID HAVE A SEX BOOK DERIVED FROM HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME?!?!
(takes deep breath)
I apologize, William. I should not yell. That is just a rather sensitive subject. I blame Hallmark. ANYWAY…as I was saying, I can help you. All I need is some information and the bet will be yours. Now, who is the target?
Demps: Rhonda Kubiak.
Kama: Easy enough. Hell, getting a 40-year-old white woman with a workaholic husband to fall for you will hardly require any effort at all. I think I shall use one of my weaker arrows, as there is no need to expend a great deal of energy completing such a menial task as this. Say, who are you competing with in this wager of love?
Demps: Kevin.
Kama: Kevin? You mean Kevin Bentley?! Oh, shit, dude…even I can’t compete with that pretty motherfucker. Have you SEEN the dick on him?!? Praise Ganesh!
Demps: Hold up, man! Will Demps can compete! Will Demps just need a little help…
Kama: Fuck that…you’re on your own. Let’s go, Bitchephant!
(disappears to the sounds of Barry White)
Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho
Apr 9, 2008 Bad Juju, Blasphemy, Dancing With the 'Tards, Faggination, Houston Chronicle, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Putting people on notice, Revenge of Durga!, Tempting Fate
I do not mean to alarm anyone, but it seems that DGDB&D is the most powerful blog in the universe. Sure, there are blogs that get way more hits. There are blogs that entertain without making dick jokes. There are even blogs that people are willing to pay to advertise on.
But there are NO other blogs that have accidentally reincarnated a Hindu goddess.
SAINI SUNPURA, India — A baby with two faces was born in a northern Indian village, where she is doing well and is being worshipped as the reincarnation of a Hindu goddess, her father said today. [***]
Rural India is deeply superstitious and the little girl is being hailed as a return of the Hindu goddess of valor, Durga, a fiery deity traditionally depicted with three eyes and many arms.
Up to 100 people have been visiting Lali at her home every day to touch her feet out of respect, offer money and receive blessings, Singh told The Associated Press.
“Lali is God’s gift to us,” said Jaipal Singh, a member of the local village council. “She has brought fame to our village.”
Village chief Daulat Ram said he planned to build a temple to Durga in the village.
This blog’s reliance of Durga to do the dirty work that certain Christian deities were unable or unwilling to do is well documented. Thus, I take full credit for the return of this goddess to Earth. The negative among you might think that this is a rather ominous sign for me. To that, I say p’shaw! This is a sign that Durga realized she needed to be on Earth to properly dispose of Petey Faggins. Her attempt from the ethereal realm of, um, wherever Hindu gods reside had the unintended consequence of injuring Dunta Robinson. She won’t make that mistake again, Petey. No sir, she’s here and she’s taking careful aim, sucka. You dead, dawg.
In related news, as reader Brent pointed out, it’s rather ironic that the Chronicle’s coverage of a Hindu goddess is much better than their coverage of a certain local football team.
What’s that, Lassie? I haven’t posted anything substantive in a long time?!
Apr 3, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Blasphemy, Corky Johnson, Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Megan Manfull is retarded, Please let the season start soon, Rules, Super Mario, The Fred
As if you hadn’t noticed, I have REALLY been slacking off over here of late. I don’t have an excuse for it other than actual work at work is cutting into my sweet, sweet blogging time. I am contemplating lighting the place on fire just so I can get a vacation.
In any event, I’ll try to be better about it leading up to the draft. For now, allow me to bust out the old bulleted list.
- ***I have been fairly open about my hope that the Texans take a defensive tackle (read: Kentwan Balmer) at 18, followed by a DE in the third. Not to rehash old arguments, but my reasoning basically goes that a space-eating NT would make life easier for Amobi and Mario, thus making life easier on the secondary, AND I think Earl Cochran might have enough talent to become a rotational DE. All that said, I just took a peak at Anthony Weaver’s stats for the last two years and I am starting to think that the “Draft a DE first” crowd is on to something. One fucking sack in two years? Seriously?!? I mean, I knew the dude had been more or less invisible, but jesus titty fucking christ, even I could get one sack in two years. Hell, with Mario opposite him, Weaver should be able to vulture one or two sacks per year just by way of falling on QBs who are scrambling away from our good DE. And he’s the highest-paid Texans? Fantastic. I am getting angry…better move on.
- ***As first mention by new-BRBer, SOLIS, the Texans re-signed C.C. Brown. I’m of two minds about this. First, C.C. has basically been asstastic for most of his Texans tenure, so one wonders just why the team would throw dollars at him. On the other hand, though, his biggest problem (and the primary cause of his asstasticness) is not a lack of talent but a complete lack of understanding how to position himself. This being the case, C.C. might fall under the same “Ray Rhodes project” label as Jacques Reeves. In any event, I guess I like the idea of giving him a year under a good teacher before kicking him to the proverbial curb.
- ***Ray Rhodes cannot fix Petey Faggins. Jesus himself could not fix Petey Faggins. If Jesus and Durga had a baby and that baby married the current Dali Lama, the spawn of that relationship could not fix Petey Faggins.
- ***Someone emailed me this article from 2001 about Megan Manfull. Pretty boring shit, really; it’s the kind of stuff you would imagine in a fluff piece about “oooh, look, girls can write about sports, too!” What did stand out, however, was one quote from Manfull herself.
‘My mother taught me so much, Megan said. ‘I got started in seventh grade on our junior high newspaper. I thought it was fun, and I’d come home at night and she’d give me her lessons from her high school classes. I learned to put questions together and do interviews. I was the only junior high reporter turning in stories with quotes and sources in them.’
See, kids, this what we call irony. Manfull’s memory of starting in print media was that she was the only one citing sources and using actual quotes and now she is part of a paper where such tactics are again missing. This isn’t so much “funny ha ha” as “funny sad,” I guess.
- ***Finally, in generic NFL news, the league approved a number of rule changes for next year. A couple are common sense stuff–FGs are now reviewable, teams can defer after winning a coin toss–but three could have some actual impact. First, one defensive player is allowed to have a radio in his helmet (aka The Spygate Rule). SOLIS already covered this one. Second, force outs have been eliminated, meaning that player has to land in-bounds for a ball to be complete, regardless of whether he was pushed out by the DB or not. This could be huge–larger, more physical corners will become more valuable; smaller, lighter WRs will be at a disadvantage along the sideline; and jump balls along the sides or in the endzone will become even less likely to be completed. Finally, the five-yard facemask penalty has been removed, meaning that incidental contact is ok, but that any twisting or turning of the head will be 15 yards if flagged. Other than Corky Johnson, our team plays pretty clean and smart on defense, so I think I like this change and that it will–if anything–benefit the guys in Battle Red.
An Open Letter to David Carr
Mar 14, 2008 Anger, Blasphemy, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Open Letters, Ranting, Sandy Vag, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Dear Homo,
When you lost your job first to a 44-year-old QB and then to an undrafted rookie, I assumed we were done hearing from you. I mean, any QB with any fucking sense would just go away, but I suppose “any fucking sense” is giving you way too much credit. After all, if you’d had any fucking sense, you wouldn’t have spent half a decade scrambling into opposing rushers and working “Fetal Position Blue on 3″ into the playbook, right?
What I don’t get, though, is why you feel the need to continue saying shit that makes you seem borderline retarded. Because, really, it seems like every time you get a change of scenery, you say some kind of ignorant-ass thing that makes it seem like YOU are not the cause of your own problems. Which we both know is a goddamned lie.
Here…allow me to refresh your memory. When you got signed by Carolina [Author's note: Scoreboard, bitch.], you remarked:
As far as the talent on this team, it’s something I haven’t been around. It’s fun for me, just coming out here and playing with a group, both offensively and defensively, that has (so) much skill. […] If you’re not having fun, it’s going to be like what I had the last couple of years where you almost don’t even want to come to work.
How’d all that “talent” and “skill” work out for you, cockmouth? Oh…wait…that’s right.
Anyway, like I said, I thought we were officially done with you after you lost your job twice and posted a stellar 58.3 rating. At worst, I assumed you’d sign somewhere and quietly collect a paycheck from the sidelines, lest ye really make an ass of yourself. “No way,” I thought, “will he try to claim that his failures were due to BOTH of his teams not being good.”
I guess I underestimated your competitiveness douchebaggedness. How else do you explain this:
I have a lot of calluses, Carr said. I’m like an old carpenter[;] I’ve been through it. If you let that stuff affect you, you’re not going to be able to do your job. One of the reasons I’m excited about coming here is they protect the quarterback well and they have playmakers on the outside.
“Playmakers,” huh? Seriously? Have you taken so many dicks to the throat hits to the skull that you’ve forgotten about Andre Johnson catching 103 balls in 2006 and generally keeping you from looking even worse than you already did? Or about Steve Smith having success with every QB in Carolina last year except for you? Or abou– Hold up! Are you really saying that Plaxico Burress is better than Andre Johnson and Steve Smith? Fuck you, dude.
I know you are probably thinking this is just sour grapes on my part. That’s what asshole losers like you tend to claim when someone points out what an asshole loser you are. But it’s not sour grapes–we are well past that point. No, this is a genuine, unfettered missive of hatred. I went from just being glad you were gone to enjoying watching you fail to sincerely hating you with every fiber of my being, all in less than a year. I only take solace in the fact that pretty much everyone other than you, your wife, and your dad realize how much you fucking suck and, therefore, no one takes your comments to be much more than the insipid drivel they are.
I’ve got $10 that says you don’t see the field next year.
Yours in Christ,
Matt
P.S. I hope you have to watch your mother get sodomized by a pit bull. Twice.
Texans fans: The Giants luv you! {hugs}
Mar 11, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Blasphemy, Broken Record, Casserly blows goats... I have proof, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, I really dig my readers, Non-Texan stuff, Pacman Jones' gunrack, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
This post is about four hours late this morning. Doesn’t my employer know that work time is blog time? DAMMIT! Anyway, work sucks today, so sorry for the delay.
The big news of the morning is, of course, that the New York Giants loves them some Mr. Mittens. The mere fact that the Giants want to keep Mittens in the news is proof that *the God of your choice* loves us and wants us to drink more rubbing alcohol beer! The danger is that Mittens actually beats the monstrous Jared Lorenzen (that’s Shake on the left), and Jared simply pops Carr into his mouth like the worm from a bad bottle of Mezcal. Obviously, our nation would grieve for days after the loss of someone of Mittens’ stature, but I don’t think Mittens has much of a chance of winning the backup job. (original link courtesy from profootballtalk.com)
If that isn’t enough to make you swoon, then how about signing Pacman Jones (again from PFT):
If Titans CB Pacman Jones is reinstated and traded to another team, the new team would be on the hook for base salaries of $1.29 million in 2008, $1.74 million in 2009, and $2.19 million in 2010.
Yeah, I am willing to take a chance with salaries like that, especially in lieu of our signing Petey Faggins, Jr. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that parts of the Texans nation are developing a nice little man-crush on Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (ADF, Matt, me, I’m looking at you). Sadly, I don’t think he’ll be there for #18, and it looks like the Ravens are zeroing in on Leodis McKelvin with their pick.
I’m neither inherently a risk-taker, nor am I risk averse. I am, however, optimistic that things would work for Pacman in Houston, but I’ve got nothing to base that on other than my formidable gut.
Finally, and a little off-topic, but it looks like the Stros’ Kaz Matsui has a little pain in the ass. This is ironic, of course, because watching him play this year will cause pain to all our asses.
Crap. Back to work. “Clean your windshield, sir?”
Alive
Feb 16, 2008 Andre Johnson, Blasphemy, Bloggerating, Free Agency, Had to post something, Inanity, Injury bug, Jacoby Jones is slighty less unheralded, Ron Dayne likes pie, Rosie Rosenfels, Roster, Sign Andre Davis now, Updates
I know it’s been dead-ish around here. Apologies.
All should improve starting tomorrow. I think. Probably.
Until then, here are five topics to discuss:
- Has anyone ever done more in a shorter time to submarine his own trade value than Sage did at the end of the season?
- Andre Johnson–god, or mere demigod?
- If Ahman Green died in a forest, would anyone notice?
- Given that Andre Davis is a special teams ninja as well as a solid receiver, do you think Jacoby Jones admires Apostrohpe or secretly wishes him dead?
- Who weighs more: Ron Dayne or Rosie O’Donnell?
I’m dreaming of some zone blitzes
Dec 21, 2007 2006 Draft, Beer, Blasphemy, Bloggerating, Colts Shmolts, Fuck the Cowboys, KEYE sucks, Mormons, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Tequila
I would like to apologize to whatever cosmic force I angered. My bad. Really. Now that I have admitted my guilt, could you please stop damning me with horrible officemates? I mean, haven’t you ever heard the philosophy that once a man admits that he’s wrong, that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? It’s not like I’m making you pick up itty bitty pieces of skull on account of my dumb ass.
In addition to his incredible insights on Day 1, Dipshit Cowboys Fan Officemate (DCFO) has offered the following (note, some of these are only mind-numbingly stupid if you are a lawyer, I suppose):
- (in response to my bitching about Mario getting shafted) DeMarcus Ware has more sacks than Mario. My response: 11 is more than 13? Weird. When did that happen? Was there a press conference?
- (in response to someone asking him about bail) Are bail and bond the same thing?
- (moments later, displaying his total ignorance of the 8th Amendment) I guess they can set any bond amount they want. I can’t find anything in the case law that says it has to be reasonable.
- (regarding the 11 Cowboys on the Pro Bowl roster) With Sean Taylor gone, Roy Williams is easily the best safety in football. (I damn near spit out my coffee on this one.)
- (regarding Zoolander) David Carr could have been a Hall of Fame quarterback if you guys would have protected him.
- (regarding college) Him: I don’t understand these black kids at places like Florida State that get in trouble every year. This never would have happened at my school. Me: Where’d you go? Him: BYU.
So…yeah. This is what I am dealing with. I am currently trying to get someone to trade offices with me, but that’s not going all that well. I should probably stop beginning those negotiations with “Jesus Christ, I have to get out of that office before I light that retard on fire.”
Anyway, on to the picks. I followed the amazing perfection of two weeks ago with a hot, wet shitstorm last week. Oh well.
Last week: 9-5
Season: 135-81
Week 16 Picks
Dallas @ Carolina. Panthers fans should be happy. You think Tony Romo was distracted by Jessica Simpson’s presence last week. That’s NOTHING compared to the way he will be eyeball-fucking Zoolander. Unfortunately, Carolina fans, your team still eats balls. Pick: Dallas
JUGGERNAUT @ Indianapolis. I want to do it. I want to put down that we are going to roll into the RCA Dome, Mario is going to nail Manning more often than Kenny Chesney does, and the JUGGERNAUT is going to come out 8-7. I want to believe. And, since it’s my blog, I’m going to, goddamnit. Pick: Houston
Green Bay @ Chicago. I was just talking to my wife about DCFO and she said, “you are so negative…he can’t be that bad.” My son, standing in the background, said “Mom, he’s a Cowboys fan.” I’m the motherfucking father of the year. Pick: Green Bay
Cleveland @ Cincinnati. A possible player to keep in mind when the free agent signings start happening: Justin Smith. He’s never become the #1 DE that people thought he would, but he’s still damn good. If you could get him at a reasonable price–probably unlikely, though there are enough DE FAs this season that it is possible–he might just become a monster opposite Mario. I’m just sayin’. (Or, if you are like Tim and would rather see Travis Johnson beheaded like a kidnapped Westerner kicked to the curb, it’s worth noting that Pat Williams will be a FA as well. Put him between Mario and Manchild and you might have sheer fucking dominance. My sources say “sheer fucking dominance” is a good thing.) Pick: Cleveland
Oakland @ Jacksonville. Ideally, Oakland will win this game, Houston will win, and next week’s game will be picked up by NBC’s flex schedule due to the “trying for first winning record” v. “fighting for playoff positioning” storylines. Ideally. Problem–Oakland blows. Pick: Jacksonville
New York Giants @ Buffalo. All Eli Manning wants for Christmas is one more win. He better hope Santa fucking delivers this weekend, though, because it ain’t happening next weekend. Pick: New York Giants
Kansas City @ Detroit. The Lions are collectively still walking funny after the ass pounding they got from LDT and Co. last week. Luckily for them, the Chiefs are more of a bottom than a top. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Pick: Detroit
Philadelphia @ New Orleans. Reggie Bush is saying that he might return either this week or the next. With how he’s played so far this year, can a torn knee ligament really make that much of a difference? Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’, Eddie! Pick: Philadelphia
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco. Jeff Garcia returns to the sight of some of his greatest glory holes. Pick: Tampa Bay
Atlanta @ Arizona. Dear Arthur Blank, Up Yours. Signed, God. Pick: Arizona
New York Jets @ Tennessee. If you have any questions about how this game is going, just call your friends in Austin. They can tell you. In other news, KEYE is still a bunch of fucknuts. Pick: Tennessee
Baltimore @ Seattle. Seattle gets to play the one team in football that suffered a more embarrassing loss than they did last week. You would think that both of these teams would be fired up, looking to get back on track. But Baltimore still can’t score and Seattle is still a collective of vaginas. Pick: Seattle
Miami @ New England. If you seriously believe that there is even a chance Miami wins this game, please see your doctor. Pick: New England
Washington @ Minnesota. I love Adrian Peterson. He is a beast. With even a semblance of passing game to take the 10th man out of the box, he’s a real threat for 2,400 yards. That said, I can pick up a blitzing linebacker better than he seems able or willing to do. Minnesota should win this game, but something is making me pick against them. Pick: Washington
Denver @ San Diego. My favorite thing about going home for Christmas (or any other reason) is that my mom owns a bar. Thus, pretty much every trip up there revolves around drinking for free until I pass out. This holiday will be no different. Which means I will likely be below radio depth until Sunday afternoon. Be good, kiddies. Pick: San Diego
Merry fucking Christmas
Dec 17, 2007 Blasphemy, Fuck the Cowboys, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Ranting, Super Mario, Tank Johnson's gunrack, Trent Green's mushed up brains
So, I have bitched at length about my officemate, right? The moron who chews Corn Nuts with her mouth open and expects answers to rhetorical questions?
Well, I finally got rid of her because she left to take another job. I thought to myself “thank God, there is no way the next person could be worse.” Why do I say these stupid things, even if only to myself?
The new guy is (a) is about as different from me politically that a human being can be, (b) “thoroughly enjoyed” law school, and (c) is a GODDAMNED COWBOYS FAN! Also, regarding this last fact, he does seem to have much of a sense of humor. Take, for example, the following exchanges from this morning:
Him: (seeing the Mario picture on my desktop) You like the Texans? Why not root for the Cowboys–at least they are good.
Me: The Cowboys that our second string beat in the preseason, despite the fact that your coach gameplanned, blitzed, and played his starters well into the third quarter? I’ll pass.
—
Him: That whole thing with Trent Green and Travis Jackson (sic) was classless. The Texans should have released him after that shit.
Me: Your team signed Tank fucking Johnson, who has been imprisoned on gun charges, once threatened to kick a cop’s ass, and has been charged with resisting arrest, aggravated assault, and leaving the scene of an accident in the last eighteen months. I’m sorry…you were saying something about class?
—
Him: Why in the world did the Texans draft Mario Williams, anyway?
Me: Probably had something to do with him having the talent to lead the AFC in sacks in his second year. Probably something along those lines.
Strangely, he didn’t laugh one time in response to those comments. He also didn’t think it was funny when I changed my desktop to the picture of Romo crying last year. Touchy, I guess.
MIZZOU-RAH! MIZZOU-RAH! MIZZOU-RAH, TIGERS!
Dec 1, 2007 2008 Draft, Blasphemy, Boobies, Drunky Drunkerton, Inanity, Non-Texan stuff, Ohio State makes baby Jesus cry, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Sandy Vag, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment
So, let me get this straight. The University of Missouri, the same institution where I spent my freshman year of college, is playing the Oklahoma Land-Thieving Criminals for both the Big XII title and the opportunity to play for the National Championship. Even more importantly for my purposes, however, a win by both MU and WVU means that the necropedophiles of Ohio State will be shut out of the title game.
Yeah, you could say I am interested. (As I wrote that sentence, OU took a 7-3 lead. Jerks.)
But, push coming to shove, I would take an MU loss and an OSU national title (ugh) if the Texans could go into Nashville and beat the holy living shit out of Vince Young. I’m not talking about a win–I want a win, but that would not be enough to offset Lucifer in a Sweater Vest winning a title. Rather, I am talking about Mario Williams separating one or more of Vince’s joints on a hit that makes my television rattle as time expires on a 27-3 JUGGERNAUT victory.
In Schaub’s name, I pray.
Last week: 4-9 (yikes)
Season: 103-69
Week 13 Picks
San Francisco @ Carolina. When Zoolander was signed by Carolina, a number of non-Texans fans told me “you’ll see…he’ll catch on somewhere else and be really good; it was all the Texans fault.” In recent weeks, no fewer than four of them have since retracted that position and admitted that, yes, David Carr does suck immeasurably. Then again, the 49ers are poster children for sucking. I haven’t seen this much sucking in one place since I let my subscription to SugarDVD lapse. Pick: San Francisco
Buffalo @ Washington. I would like to think that the Redskins are going to come out and lay a royal smackdown in memory of Sean Taylor. Unfortunately, they have played like ass when Taylor has not been there. Something has to give, I guess. On the other hand, Buffalo shat upon me last week, so I won’t pick them on the road in a game like this. Pick: Washington
JUGGERNAUT @ Tennessee. Prior to heading off to Nashville, where it is likely he will be arrested after shanking Bud Adams, Tim was stuck in meetings for two days. Because I am a nice person who has absolutely nothing to do at work most of the time, I sent emails to distract him. At one point, I was bitching about certain aspects of my job–talking to rapists, looking at pictures of dead babies, etc.–when I mentioned that two months ago, I was forced to take pictures of a prisoner’s dick. Yep. As if that’s not bad enough, it actually happened twice; first I took pictures in the “natural” state and then I was sent back two days later where I had to wait for him to get “ready” in a bathroom so that I could photograph it that way. Now, I work about twenty minutes per week, rarely get to work before 9 or leave after 4, and somehow I still feel like I am losing in this bargain. Pick: Houston
Atlanta @ St. Louis. ATL to STL / on them things and crunk as hell / Your system blast, then let it bump / Spark the L and raise it up. Pick: Atlanta
Seattle @ Philadelphia. The next person who says that the Eagles showed a “blueprint” for beating the Pats gets a mouthful of basset hound shit. I’m not even playing–I have the hound and I’m not afraid to use him. Pick: Seattle
Detroit @ Minnesota. I might have overreached last week when I said that there was no way the Vikings would shut down the Giants’ passing game. (Current game score: OU 7, MU 6.) So, we have a Vikings team that may have AP back against a Detroit Christketeers team that seems in a freefall. Seems too obvious. Pick: Detroit
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis. From Big Cat Country’s “Fyodor Dostoevsky’s guide to the AFC South: Absurd Metaphors for everyone!“: “Dimitri is a character obsessed with obtaining redemption, obsessed with rising above his background and overcoming the burden of sin in his heart. Jacksonville is at team obsessed with overcoming the Colts, of overcoming their reputation as an inconsistent and emotional team, and finally finding their Grushenka. The obsession only enhances their emotional intensity, and it’s not until they overcome that intensity and play with focus that they’ll find themselves at the top of the AFC South.” Umm, yeah. That’s what I was going to say. Copy cat. Pick: Indianapolis
San Diego @ Kansas City. New rule: You lose to the Raiders one week, I pick against you the next. Pick: San Diego.
New York Jets @ Miami. If you are the Dolphins, in addition to being ungodly inept at pretty much everything, you have to consider this game your last, best chance to actually win a game this year. Which you probably won’t. Assuming the Dolphins get the first overall pick, who do you think they take? If they assume Ronnie Brown will recover, they probably don’t take Darren McFadden. They just drafted John Beck, so it’s unlikely they’d take Brian Brohm or Matt Ryan. The defense is getting kind of old, so a pick like Glenn Dorsey makes sense, but do they take him #1 overall? In the end, they’ll find some way to screw this thing up. Go ‘Phins. Pick: New York Jets
Denver @ Oakland. Oh, Mike Shannahan, you wily genius. People say you can’t kick to Devin Hester, you show them by kicking to Devin Hester. Common sense can’t hold YOU down, Mike. No way, no how. Thankfully, you get a game this week against a team that is lucky to beat their scout team in a given practice. Pick: Denver
(OU 14, MU 6. Fuck.)
Cleveland @ Arizona. I was going to write something about John McClain right here, but I am going to rant instead. Why the fuck can NO ONE get the reverse/double reverse thing down? Missouri just got a two-point conversion on a reverse option, yet Kirk “I want to have sex with Darren McFadden” Herbstreit said “double reverse” no fewer than six times. Is this so hard? Hell, it wasn’t even an end around that started the play–it was an inside handoff to the RB, who handed to the WR on the reverse. This is pretty much the classic reverse, aside from Chase Daniel starting the play in the shotgun. Sweet Christ. (OU 14, MU 14. Halftime.) Pick: Cleveland.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans. NFC South–catch the thrill! If you were building a team right now, would you rather have Earnest Graham or Reggie Bush? Yeah, me too. Pick: Tampa Bay
New York Giants @ Chicago Bears. If this isn’t the greatest picture ever, it is certainly on the short list. Ah, alcohol…the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems. Pick: New York Giants
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh. I am generally a contrarian bastard when it comes to pretty much everything sport-related. The world hates Barry Bonds? I love the guy. The world wants the Pats to lose? 19-0, baby. I don’t do this on purpose, but it is an incredibly consistent part of my personality. Strangely, however, my feelings on Chad Johnson have mirrored the public sentiment; he’s gone from being outlandish and hilarious to annoying and contrived in a pretty short span of time. I sort of miss the Barry Sanders approach to being in the endzone–act like you’ve been there before and you plan to be there again soon. Pick: Pittsburgh
New England @ Baltimore. Correct me if I am wrong, but you do have to score at least two points to win a football game, right? Sucks for Baltimore. Pick: New England
UPDATE: Fuckin’ Mizzou. Well, at least WVU lost as well, so there is still hope that someone who can beat OSU will get in the game with them.
And, with that, the waters parted and all of my sane readers ran away
Nov 16, 2007 Batman, Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fake Conversations with Biblical Characters, Injury bug, National Media, Reggie Bush, Reservoir Dogs, Tempting Fate, Too far?
Sports Bar in Heaven, 6 Kislev 5768 (Heaven does not buy into the Gregorian calendar)
God: (to other people at his table) …this was during the Los Angeles marijuana drought of 1986. I still had a connection. Which was insane, ’cause people couldn’t get weed anyfuckinwhere then. Anyway, I had a connection with this hippie chick up in Santa Cruz and all my friends knew it. And they’d give me a call and say, “Hey, God…hey, dude, you gettin’ some, you think you could get me some too?” They knew I smoked, so they’d ask me to buy a little for them when I was buying for myself. But it got to be that everytime I bought some weed, I was buyin for four or five different people. Finally I said, “Fuck this shit.” I’m makin’ this bitch rich. She didn’t have to do jack shit; she never even had to meet these people. I was doin’ all the work…then that got to be a pain in the ass. People called me on the phone all the fuckin’ time. I couldn’t rent a fuckin’ tape without six fucking phone calls interrupting me. “Hey, when’s the next time you’re gettin’ some?” “Motherfucker, I’m tryin to watch The Lost Boys! When I have some, I’ll let you know.” And then these rinky-dink pot heads come by–they’re my friends and everything, but still, y’know? I got all my shit laid out in sixty dollar bags. They don’t want sixty dollars worth. They want ten dollars worth. Breaking it up is a major fuckin pain in the ass. I don’t eve–
St. Peter: (interrupting) Sorry dude, but you need to see this. (conjures up magical heavenly computer monitor out of mid-air) It seems a blogger has been writing prayers to you in the hopes that you would heal and/or hurt certain professional football players.
God: Son of a bitch. I swear to Me, this is all because that assbag Jon Kitna has convinced people that I care about football. Why am I supposed to give two shits about the outcome of NFL games? The only thing the NFL is good for is helping me figure out which people have no shot at Heaven. Oh, speaking of, what’s the latest on Mike Vick?
St. Peter: Sentencing in December; still on the “get anally fisted in Hell” list. But, that’s not why I showed you this, though. It appears that this blogger, a “Matt Campbell,” decided that you were ignoring his prayers, so he began offering the same to some Hindu god.
God: WHAT?! Jesus Christ!
Jesus: (jumping up) Yeah, dad?!
God: It’s just an expression; sit down. (turns back to Peter) A Hindu god, huh? How did that work out for him?
St. Peter: Well, that’s just it. He prayed that a “Petey Faggins” would be removed from the starting lineup and, sure enough, it happened! I guess I don’t have to tell you that this has caused a few whispers among the living.
God: Fuck no, you don’t need to tell me! I’m omnipotent, asshole!
Job: Then how did you not already know about this?
God: Better question, smart guy–why are you going to walk with a limp for eternity? (smites Job’s knee) Talk to me, Peter. What do I need to do?
St. Peter: That’s the good news. The Texans are playing the Saints this weekend and, were you to see fit to injure a certain running back, I think you’d re-convert some of the doubters. You just have to tweak his knee a little bit, maybe give him a tor–
God: I’m on it. (smites Ahman Green, rendering him inactive for Sunday’s game)
St. Peter: NO!!!! Dude, I meant Reggie Bush!!!
God: Reggie Bush?!? Are you out of your fucking mind, Peter? I LOVE that kid! Don’t you watch ESPN? I’d sooner smite the Savior of mankind over there before I’d hurt Reggie! That’s my DAWG, yo!
St. Peter: But, if he’s your favorite, why is he only averaging 3.7 yard per carry for his career? What gives?
God: Dude, even my powers have limits.
An Open Letter to God Durga, the Hindu God of Vengeance
Nov 1, 2007 Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Inanity, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Multi-culturalism, Open Letters, Self-Referential Stuff
Dear Durga,
Um, hi. We haven’t been formally introduced; my name is Matt. I got your name and address from our mutual friend, Sid.
I understand that you are, like, the Goddess of Vengeance. That is pretty awesome. Insanely awesome, actually. I bet that comes in handy, huh? Like, I read something that said you were the god people prayed to in order to have their personal demons destroyed. That is fucking bad ass.
That’s kind of why I am writing you, too. You see, my personal demon is Petey Faggins in a Texans uniform. That is the one thing in my life that busts the balls of my very soul. So, you know, if that demon could be destroyed, I would be eternally grateful. Now I am not saying I want him killed–that would be going overboard, even for me. I am just wanting him to no longer be playing for the Houston Texans. I’ll leave the logistics of that up to you, you ravishing 10-armed demonsmasher.
Now, I know what you are thinking. That I am not even Hindu and that I should pray to my own deitydamned deity. I already tried that, though, and He is either unwilling or unable to help. Having only one god apparently puts serious constraints on the amount of prayer-granting that can be done in a given week. But you exist solely to, as I understand it, destroy some motherfucking demons.
Just so you understand the gravity of the situation, this other dude named Carlos Rogers went down with a severe injury last week and fans of the Redskins were thrilled. Well I would take Carlos Rogers on a ruptured knee over Petey Faggins. It’s that deep, honey. It’s that deep.
Anywho…I won’t take up any more of your time. Even as a unitasker, you probably have a whole lot of demons to deal with. If you could just pencil me in for some time between, say, now and this Sunday at 11:59 AM, that would be awesome.
With much love and admiration,
Matt
P.S. That “11:59″ thing up there is Central Standard Time in America. I mention this because I am not sure what time zone the eternal realm is in. Probably Greenwich Mean Time.
An(other) Open Letter to God
Nov 1, 2007 Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Inanity, Open Letters, Teams that aren't the Texans
Dear God,
Hey there, it’s me again. But you probably knew that, being omnipotent and all. You are probably also aware that Carlos Rogers is done for the season with a badly mangled knee.
I gotta ask you, big guy, how is this fair? I mean, sure, Redskins fans–who are clearly racist, by the way–have been praying for his injury for a while. So what? I have been doing everything short of sacrificing live animals and virgins in an effort to get you to maim Petey Faggins.
Yet still he walks among us, limp free.
Now, either you choose to ignore my prayers, or you don’t care about football, or you like to watch me suffer. I am not Job, youdamnit.
Anyway…yeah. Um, hurt Petey. Please? If that is not possible, please smite Richard Justice. And Richard Smith.
Yours in holiness,
Matt
An Open Letter to God
Oct 18, 2007 Andre Johnson, Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Inanity, Open Letters
Dear God,
Hey, how’s it goin’, big guy? Things good up in the Big End Zone In The Sky?
Look, I know we haven’t talked in a while. That’s my bad, I guess. But still, I have to ask, why do you hate me? I mean, hating me is pretty much the only way to explain why Andre Johnson is still at least a week away. (It’s also a fairly good explanation for the continued playing time of Petey Faggins, the fact that a twit like Megan Manfull gets access to my favorite team that I cannot get, and even the popularity of Kenny Chesney, but none of that is at issue here.)
Anyway, yeah, why the hate, God? Is it because I laughed at the end of City of Angels? Surely you didn’t like that piece of shit movie. Is it because I called Reggie Bush “GOD’S FAVORITE SON, WHOM HE LOVES MUCH MORE THAN JESUS?” I was just paraphrasing what ESPN keeps telling me. Honest, I know you don’t love any running back who can’t average more than 3.5/carry.
I think we can both agree that I am a worthless turd. That said, please don’t take your displeasure with me out on poor Andre. By all accounts, he’s a hell of a nice guy and totally deserving of your healing touch. Vince Young, on the other hand, is rumored to consider Satan his personal Dark Lord and Savior. I hear he also once punched a priest, drop kicked an infant, and then peed in some holy water. So maybe just take out your aggression on him. Or at least make sure that quad doesn’t heal.
Hugs and kisses,
Matt
P.S. Can Ray Charles see in Heaven? I’ve always wondered how that worked.
