DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Recon. Chris gets the skinny on the Steelers from AOL Fanhouse blogger JJ Cooper. Which brings us something that’s always bothered me. Namely, why are some initials ok to use as your everyday name while others aren’t? JJ, BJ, AJ, DJ…what is it about the second J that makes that acceptible?

O captain, my captain, our dreadful offseason is done. Your Houston Texans have elected this year’s team captains.  Mario, DeMeco, Andre, The Schaub, and Kris Brown.  No surprises there, I guess.

The leap.  Marroncito returns to BRB with a question I had not really considered:  which player(s), if he raised his game to very good/great levels, would take the Texans to the doorstep of being a Super Bowl contender?  The most common answer in the comments is Amobi, and I tend to agree, but I can definitely see the argument for Schaub.

Finally.

Let’s be honest: their love flows kinda like this….

I {heart} you all,

bfd

PS: Consider this a weekend open thread.

PPS: h/t Boing Boing

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

No, not that way.  No, not that way, either, though I am flattered.  Definitely not that way.  I mean, not even for $20 or something.  Maybe for $50, though.

Anyway, Matt and I are going to start working on a full-fledged site redesign, and we want input from you, our dearest readers.  Keep in mind that we already assume you want:

1. More hard core nudity, especially Filipino tranny porn (h/t Lee), and
2. Us to fuck off.

For example, one of the things we’d like to implement is the “Reply to” feature as on Deadspin.  We figure it’ll make it easier for Stacy and Foomey to hurl insults at each other (though can you really get enough anal fisting jokes?  I thought not.).

So, let’s hear you loud and hear you proud:

Dear Matt and bfd, I would like to see __________ to help improve the website.

Your biggest fan,

You

Thank you for your assistance.

I freely admit it: I’m a dirty fucking hippie.  I live in Austin.  I prefer to ride my bike.  I’m a beer snob.  I recycle.  If I had hair, it’d be long.  I abhor makeup (on chicks, Stacy, before you get any ideas).  That said, I’ve spent a lot of time in Houston over the last few weeks.  And you know what I’ve seen?

***NO TEXANS PARAPHENALIA***

OK, none, is perhaps too harsh…barely.  I saw a car that had a six year old, faded bumper sticker on it.  And, errrr, I saw a sign out on I10 heading east that said “Romance…For Lease,” which was pretty cool and unusually hip.  Outside of that, I was severely disappointed in the complete and total lack of Texans advertising of any type as I drove around Houston.

Disclaimer: I was largely on the west side OTL, which is supposed to be not cool and stuff.

Look, I don’t care what some random dude says cuz this is a legitimate playoff contender we are talking about, even though I agree with Tim’s assessment that our early schedule is slightly abusive.

And you can’t tell in Houston.

So, with that incredibly long introduction, here are my Top 5 suggestions to the Houston Texans marketing department cuz, you know, I kick ass at Madden and stuff.

5. Stickers - Yes, bumper stickers, decals, tattoos, breast implants, whatever it takes.  Look, if we are paying Petey Faggins anything more than…OK, I’m too fucking lazy to look it up, then we could get much more value out of giving away bumper stickers on every corner.  “Sticker with your electric bill, sir?”  “Excuse me, ma’am, but you could really use a Texans tramp stamp.”  See, how hard could that be?

4. Billboards - Let’s be honest: we are talking about Houston, here.  I figure, if you put up a shitload of ads on billboards on any inbound freeway and I10 outbound, it’ll get more views than your average Oprah or Filipino tranny show.

3. Date Your Favorite Texans Cheerleader! - No projection going on here.  Nope.  None, whatsoever.  Errr, did I mention that I love twins?  I’ll just have to work with Marisa on the whole Olive Garden thing.  I mean, just because I’d rather eat a handful of dog food than go to Olive Garden does not mean I’d ignore the poor girl.

2. Free Beer and Concealed Weapon Day - Beer and weapons?  In Texas?  What could possibly go wrong???

1. Dress Up as your Favorite 2006 Draftee Bust Night! - Do you still {heart} Vince, Longhorns fans?  Still think Reggie Bush is actually better than Dave Meggett?  Vernon Davis?  Matt Leinart (hot tubs full of under-aged chicks not included)???  Or maybe you can go as the Biggest Bust in the History of Forever and Ever!  No matter, now is your chance to wear the uniform of your favorite 2006 draft bust in the vain hope he won’t suck and will never, ever, live up to his actual talent.*

So, there ya go, Texans.  As usual, I’ve done all the leg work.  Now it’s up to you to make it happen.

* Anybody wearing a DeMeco uniform will be summarily beaten and gagged.  I won’t tell you what you’ll be gagged with.

PS: I’m gonna upgrade to digital before football season.  Any suggestions as to how to do this (Time Warner, DirecTV, tin foil caps) much appreciated.  The NFL Season ticket is *not* a concern.

In case you missed it on Deadspin, it seems that former Texans cheerleader Carrie Milbank has a new gig doing something with hockey. I dunno, I didn’t really read the story. But here are some pics of Carrie for your weekend enjoyment. (And here is her bio.)

I believe the words you are looking for are “Jesus titty fucking Christ on ice skates! Thank you, Matt!”

On TexansTV (under Special Segments), Pancakes (in his best Howard Morris voice) predicts the Texans will take Aqib Talib.

Here’s hoping that Pancakes, as always, is wrong. Again.

Now, I’m not saying that the Texans don’t have a need at CB - oh no, far from it - so give Pancakes credit for actually picking a position of need (I think we know that Little Dickie Justice would be pushing to trade all our picks for *longing sigh* Vincy-pooh). Talib has considerable character issues, which, as the article states, has caused many teams to drop him off their boards completely. Last year, we did draft ManChild even after he admitted wearing green sweaters, but Talib has had a tough time staying out of trouble.

Then, when you consider his tendency to be downright toastable in pass coverage, we have a combination that can be beat with our first round pick. I just can’t see the Texans taking Talib here, though it’s not impossible, but I hope we go in a different direction.

_____________________

I don’t have time for a separate post, but guess which Texans’ ladies man extraordinaire will be a judge at the Texans’ cheerleaders competition? Could they have possibly chosen anybody better than Will Demps? Check out the TexansTV link above under Football.

The interview is so banal all the way until he’s asked about the judging, and then he’s more flustered than…well, than I would be around a bunch of scantily clad hotties jumping up and down and up and down and up and down in front of me. As DiehardChris, who sent the link, mentioned: you can see his face light up. You can see Demps trying to figure out how to bed them all.

Five announcements before we get to this weekend’s picks:

1. DGDB&D is pleased to announce the addition of bigfatdrunk as a contributing author. I have no idea how much he will post and I will let him handle any sort of introduction he might want to do, but rest assured that this addition was done solely to keep this place from becoming too highbrow. Not that we were really in danger of it.

2. Speaking of how not-highbrow we are, according to two different sources today, it seems that this little corner of the blogosphere is being blocked by some corporate firewalls as “pornographic content.” This blog may be many things, but I think we can all agree that it is not being overrun with naked people fucking. Even former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart would not look at this site and say it was hard-core obscenity. Asinine, perhaps, but not porn.

3. Reminder: Richard Justice t-shirt contest is ongoing. Just under two weeks left to get your entries in. I would link to the other entries here, but I am lazy.

4. After checking some of the referral links and some emails and stuff, by my count, there are five females who regularly read this place. I am not sure if this is surprisingly high or surprisingly low. Either way, welcome.

5. Maybe I am crazy, but if the Colts are going so far as to say who “will be” the coach “if” Dungy retires, I’m guessing we won’t see Tony pontificating on the sidelines next year.

On to the picks…

Last Week: 3-1

Regular Season Record: 156-91

Playoff Record: 7-1

Playoffs Week 3 Picks:

San Diego @ New England. San Diego in the Super Bowl has about 1/1000th the attraction to anyone outside of Southern California, regardless of your stance on the Patriots. Even if you hate them, you’d much rather see them lose the Super Bowl and go 18-1 than go 17-1, right? And, if we get that Patriots/Packers matchup on Feb. 3, I don’t think it is a stretch to say it will break every conceivable sports television record. Pick: New England

New York @ Green Bay. I’m not saying that the powers-that-be want the Packers to win, but when you are scheduling a mid-January playoff game at Lambeau and you set the start time for 6PM EST, you are making some kind of statement. The wind chill at kickoff is expected to be somewhere around absolute zero and Brett Favre’s below-freezing home record is something like 562-1, so I really, really have a hard time believing Green Bay won’t win this game. I do, however, think there’s a fairly good chance that someone shatters upon impact like the T-1000. Pick: Green Bay

1. Woo hoo! Houston @ Indy is on in Little Rock. Merry Christmas to me, suckas!

2. You ever get the feeling that, if allowed to choose between airing the Super Bowl and airing an MTV Cribs special on Vince Young, the KEYE producers would be really torn?

3. Why does the Kansas City/St. Joseph area of Missouri get the Tampa Bay/San Fran game instead of Packers/Bears? I ask because I honestly cannot come up with a reason.

4. Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh must be the biggest thing to come out of Oregon since that Oregon Trail computer game we all played back in the day. “You have contracted dysentery.”

5. Unhappy with the game you’re getting on Fox? Well, if you live in South Carolina, you could just go to the neighbor’s house, as they likely have a different one.

The following things SUCK: Venereal disease, shitty drivers, shitty diapers, Collective Soul, Rascal Flatts, Albert Haynesworth’s personality, empty beer bottles, mothers-in-law, Petey Faggins, forcible sodomy (receiving), Cowboy fans, Oklahoma, an elbow to the throat (receiving), law school, The Houston Chronicle, Anna-Megan Raley (literally and figuratively), cold weather, the Dolphins, car horns that play “Dixie,” last call, drive-by shootings (receiving), Season 2 of The Wire, silent letters, Face/Off, St. Louis, the Bengals’ defense.

The following things are AWESOME: Blowjobs (receiving), Mario Williams, Ninfa’s, Willie Nelson, free beer, an elbow to the throat (giving), DeMeco Ryans, The Simpsons, Season 4 of The Wire, Raising Arizona, Roger Creager, football, jazz, this, boobies, car horns that play “Yellow Rose of Texas,” pulled pork, strippers, Andre Johnson, tequila, people who agree with me, and my record last week.

Last week: 15-0

Season: 126-76

Week 15 Picks

Tennessee @ Kansas City. If the Titans still played in Memphis, this would be a full-on BBQ Battle. They don’t, so it isn’t, but I really have nothing else here. For the record (and this is coming from someone who grew up on Kansas City BBQ), Memphis-style ribs and pulled pork beat the shit out of KC ribs and sliced pork. Sliced pork is for non-committal pussies who only want to cook for 6 hours. Pick: Tennessee

Baltimore @ Miami. Since I mentioned The Wire twice above, let me just say that I am actually excited for the final season to start. As an aside, McNulty could throw for 250 and two scores against Miami. And he’d be drunker than Kyle Orton while he did it. Pick: Baltimore

New York Jets @ New England. Spygate, shmygate. The only important thing here is that Randy Moss notch me about 40 fantasy points, since Carson Palmer just decided that he didn’t want Chad Johnson in the end zone. Fucker. Pick: New England

Buffalo @ Cleveland. I love Buffalo wings. Not because they are all that fantastic. I mean, they are good, but that’s not why I love them. I love them because, without them, we would not have Hooters. Hooters on a Sunday, my friend, is the perfect storm of wings, football, titties, and beer. Pick: Cleveland

Seattle @ Carolina. Word is Matt Moore is going to start this game. It’s about time for John Fox to make another appearance here, I suppose. What are the odds that Fox is considering getting liquored up and strolling into oncoming traffic? I’d have to think they were, at worst, 3 to 1. Pick: Seattle

Arizona @ New Orleans. Your “Reggie Bush, Feature Back” Moment of Zen. Oh. Wait. Nevermind. (evil laugh) Pick: Arizona

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay. We beat Tampa, Atlanta beat us, Tampa will roll Atlanta. God, that loss to The Fightin’ Harringtons grates on my nerves. Pick: Tampa Bay

Green Bay @ St. Louis. With San Fran’s win tonight, St. Louis slides into the #2 draft pick slot for the time being. This is important if, and only if, it prevents New England from getting Darren McFadden. Pick: Green Bay

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh. I keep having this hope that J’ville loses out and throws the whole wild card picture out of whack. It’s is Jacksonville, so that’s not really outside the realm of possibility. The slide begins here. Bonus points if Pittsburgh breaks MJD in half. Pick: Pittsburgh

Indianapolis @ Oakland. Blah. Pick: Indianapolis

Detroit @ San Diego. I have no basis for this, but I feel a 3 TD day from LDT in this one. I also predict Shawne Merriman will sack Kitna, do a retarded dance, then say something even dumber in the postgame conference. Pick: San Diego

Philadelphia @ Dallas. Would it be too much to ask for a goddamned tornado to take that place out while both teams were inside? Shit. What the fuck do I have to do? Pick: Dallas

Washington @ New York Giants. If you asked most Giants fans if, right now, they would trade Eli for Schaub straight up, they’d laugh, punch you in the face, and steal your watch. You could take this as an answer in the negative. Strangely, however, if you asked most Texans fans if they would make the deal, they would also answer in the negative. Pick: New York Giants

Chicago @ Minnesota. As much as I want to ride with Drunk Orton, the Bears are just too fucking shitty right now. Pick: Minnesota.

Junior High Principal: If everyone could please take your seats and settle down, we’ll get started. As you know, this…um…sex education lecture is normally given by Coach Wright. However, due to certain ongoing legal proceedings, we didn’t feel that would be in the best interest of the school this year. So, we decided to bring in a local celebrity to talk to you about…um…sex today. So please give your full attention to Mr. Will Demps of the Houston Texans.

Will Demps: Hello, little school children. Principal Whitey–

Principal: That’s “Whitley.”

Demps: –asked me here today to talk to you young men about sex and peer pressure. Now, I asked myself, “what do I wish someone had told me when I was in seventh grade?” Then I remembered that I actually lost my virginity in fifth grade–that’s the type of thing that happens when you are a natural-born athlete with 14″ of throbbing, brown Jesus in your jockstrap. (adjusts junk) Tell ya what… how about I just answer some of your questions about sex and we can go from there? Let’s see. You, the skinny cracker in the back. What’s your question?

John: Well…um…I was…well…could you kind of…uh…explain a woman’s anatomy?

Demps: Seriously? Y’all don’t know?

(lots of head shaking and nervous glances around classroom)

Demps: DAMN! Ok, no problem, young devil. First, you know, you have them big ol’ tit-tays up top, right? That’s like the previews at the movies. You don’t actually do anything with those, because there is nothing in it for you, but they are kinda fun to play with and look at for a few minutes. Plus, if you have a big girl, you can use those things as a flotation device should your boat capsize.

Down below, you’ve got the vagina. This is made up of, um, the meat curtains and, uh, the love button and some other parts that scientists don’t totally understand. This is where the magic happens, though. Next question?

Steve: Yeah, my older brother says that you can get AIDS from oral sex. Is this true?

Demps: No, you cannot get AIDS from getting head because that ain’t how it works. I mean, they calling it “getting” but you are the only one giving anything away in the transaction.

Steve: But what about from giving oral sex to a girl?

Demps: Only lesbians do that. True playas don’t snack on fuzzy tacos, Whitebread. Next question.

Brian: Um, I was with my girlfriend the other night and, well, it…I mean…I couldn’t get it up. Is there something wrong with me?

Demps: Look, I’ve sexed with pretty much every beautiful woman between New Jersey and Houston and never once did my Fallopian Fiddler have trouble playin’ his tune, knowatImsayin? So, yeah, if you couldn’t get your little Escalante to Stand And Deliver, then there must be something wrong with you. Now, I’m no doctor, but I would say you either have a venereal disease or you caught the gay. Or you are dating a fat chick. Next?

Jason: I have a date with a girl tonight and I don’t know what to do for fun. Any ideas?

Demps: Let’s see…I’d go with “do her in the butt.”

Eric: Mr. Demps, I feel like there is a lot of pressure to have sex, even though I am not sure if I am ready. I just think that maybe a man should wait unt–

Demps: Hold up, Honky Lips. That’s not pressure to have sex; that’s pressure to not be a big ol’ pussy. What do you mean, “not sure if you’re ready?” I seriously can’t believe I’m hearing this shit. “Not sure if I’m ready.” Man, you have got to be kidding. Would I be where I am today if I’d been a scared little bitch when my fifth grade teacher started feeling me up? Hell to da naw, dog.

Look, I’m about out of time here, so I am going to leave you with this advice: LIFE is about two things–getting someone to mouthify your wang and getting some funk on your hangdown. The rest is just gravy.

So, let me get this straight. The University of Missouri, the same institution where I spent my freshman year of college, is playing the Oklahoma Land-Thieving Criminals for both the Big XII title and the opportunity to play for the National Championship. Even more importantly for my purposes, however, a win by both MU and WVU means that the necropedophiles of Ohio State will be shut out of the title game.

Yeah, you could say I am interested. (As I wrote that sentence, OU took a 7-3 lead. Jerks.)

But, push coming to shove, I would take an MU loss and an OSU national title (ugh) if the Texans could go into Nashville and beat the holy living shit out of Vince Young. I’m not talking about a win–I want a win, but that would not be enough to offset Lucifer in a Sweater Vest winning a title. Rather, I am talking about Mario Williams separating one or more of Vince’s joints on a hit that makes my television rattle as time expires on a 27-3 JUGGERNAUT victory.

In Schaub’s name, I pray.

Last week: 4-9 (yikes)
Season: 103-69

Week 13 Picks

San Francisco @ Carolina. When Zoolander was signed by Carolina, a number of non-Texans fans told me “you’ll see…he’ll catch on somewhere else and be really good; it was all the Texans fault.” In recent weeks, no fewer than four of them have since retracted that position and admitted that, yes, David Carr does suck immeasurably. Then again, the 49ers are poster children for sucking. I haven’t seen this much sucking in one place since I let my subscription to SugarDVD lapse. Pick: San Francisco

Buffalo @ Washington. I would like to think that the Redskins are going to come out and lay a royal smackdown in memory of Sean Taylor. Unfortunately, they have played like ass when Taylor has not been there. Something has to give, I guess. On the other hand, Buffalo shat upon me last week, so I won’t pick them on the road in a game like this. Pick: Washington

JUGGERNAUT @ Tennessee. Prior to heading off to Nashville, where it is likely he will be arrested after shanking Bud Adams, Tim was stuck in meetings for two days. Because I am a nice person who has absolutely nothing to do at work most of the time, I sent emails to distract him. At one point, I was bitching about certain aspects of my job–talking to rapists, looking at pictures of dead babies, etc.–when I mentioned that two months ago, I was forced to take pictures of a prisoner’s dick. Yep. As if that’s not bad enough, it actually happened twice; first I took pictures in the “natural” state and then I was sent back two days later where I had to wait for him to get “ready” in a bathroom so that I could photograph it that way. Now, I work about twenty minutes per week, rarely get to work before 9 or leave after 4, and somehow I still feel like I am losing in this bargain. Pick: Houston

Atlanta @ St. Louis. ATL to STL / on them things and crunk as hell / Your system blast, then let it bump / Spark the L and raise it up. Pick: Atlanta

Seattle @ Philadelphia. The next person who says that the Eagles showed a “blueprint” for beating the Pats gets a mouthful of basset hound shit. I’m not even playing–I have the hound and I’m not afraid to use him. Pick: Seattle

Detroit @ Minnesota. I might have overreached last week when I said that there was no way the Vikings would shut down the Giants’ passing game. (Current game score: OU 7, MU 6.) So, we have a Vikings team that may have AP back against a Detroit Christketeers team that seems in a freefall. Seems too obvious. Pick: Detroit

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis. From Big Cat Country’s “Fyodor Dostoevsky’s guide to the AFC South: Absurd Metaphors for everyone!“: “Dimitri is a character obsessed with obtaining redemption, obsessed with rising above his background and overcoming the burden of sin in his heart. Jacksonville is at team obsessed with overcoming the Colts, of overcoming their reputation as an inconsistent and emotional team, and finally finding their Grushenka. The obsession only enhances their emotional intensity, and it’s not until they overcome that intensity and play with focus that they’ll find themselves at the top of the AFC South.” Umm, yeah. That’s what I was going to say. Copy cat. Pick: Indianapolis

San Diego @ Kansas City. New rule: You lose to the Raiders one week, I pick against you the next. Pick: San Diego.

New York Jets @ Miami. If you are the Dolphins, in addition to being ungodly inept at pretty much everything, you have to consider this game your last, best chance to actually win a game this year. Which you probably won’t. Assuming the Dolphins get the first overall pick, who do you think they take? If they assume Ronnie Brown will recover, they probably don’t take Darren McFadden. They just drafted John Beck, so it’s unlikely they’d take Brian Brohm or Matt Ryan. The defense is getting kind of old, so a pick like Glenn Dorsey makes sense, but do they take him #1 overall? In the end, they’ll find some way to screw this thing up. Go ‘Phins. Pick: New York Jets

Denver @ Oakland. Oh, Mike Shannahan, you wily genius. People say you can’t kick to Devin Hester, you show them by kicking to Devin Hester. Common sense can’t hold YOU down, Mike. No way, no how. Thankfully, you get a game this week against a team that is lucky to beat their scout team in a given practice. Pick: Denver

(OU 14, MU 6. Fuck.)

Cleveland @ Arizona. I was going to write something about John McClain right here, but I am going to rant instead. Why the fuck can NO ONE get the reverse/double reverse thing down? Missouri just got a two-point conversion on a reverse option, yet Kirk “I want to have sex with Darren McFadden” Herbstreit said “double reverse” no fewer than six times. Is this so hard? Hell, it wasn’t even an end around that started the play–it was an inside handoff to the RB, who handed to the WR on the reverse. This is pretty much the classic reverse, aside from Chase Daniel starting the play in the shotgun. Sweet Christ. (OU 14, MU 14. Halftime.) Pick: Cleveland.

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans. NFC South–catch the thrill! If you were building a team right now, would you rather have Earnest Graham or Reggie Bush? Yeah, me too. Pick: Tampa Bay

New York Giants @ Chicago Bears. If this isn’t the greatest picture ever, it is certainly on the short list. Ah, alcohol…the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.  Pick:  New York Giants

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh. I am generally a contrarian bastard when it comes to pretty much everything sport-related. The world hates Barry Bonds? I love the guy. The world wants the Pats to lose? 19-0, baby. I don’t do this on purpose, but it is an incredibly consistent part of my personality. Strangely, however, my feelings on Chad Johnson have mirrored the public sentiment; he’s gone from being outlandish and hilarious to annoying and contrived in a pretty short span of time. I sort of miss the Barry Sanders approach to being in the endzone–act like you’ve been there before and you plan to be there again soon. Pick: Pittsburgh

New England @ Baltimore. Correct me if I am wrong, but you do have to score at least two points to win a football game, right? Sucks for Baltimore. Pick: New England

UPDATE: Fuckin’ Mizzou. Well, at least WVU lost as well, so there is still hope that someone who can beat OSU will get in the game with them.

I think there’s a good chance that, years from now, the most embarrassing thing about this blog will not be the forcible sodomy jokes, or the blasphemy, or even the fact that I spent most of my time making up conversations between people I have never met.

Nope, while those will all certainly be cringe-inducing to varying degrees, the most embarrassing thing is going to be this comment on Ahman Green:

I gotta say, along with The Schaub Experiment and the Okoye-Mario tandem, I am pumped about Batman being in a Texans uni. I even wrote a post on it somewhere (post-vacation hangover–way too lazy to look for the post). Barring something catastrophic, I think we can pencil him in for over 1100 yards. When’s the last time you were thinking that going into a season?

If you followed my advice–and, if you did, shame on you–go ahead and erase that “1100 yards.” Feel free to replace it with “14 injuries.”

Seriously, though–what the hell? I thought we’d get somewhere between 12 and 14 games out of him. Instead, if Kubiak’s latest is to be believed, there’s a chance we won’t even see him again this season. Fantastic.

Last week: 9-5
Season: 86-57

Week 11 Picks

Miami @ Philadelphia. I’ve never been to Philly, so everything I know about the city, I picked up from Rocky movies. For instance, meat packing plants have no supervisors, so you are free to go in and beat the shit out of beef. There are bums singing around burning trashcans on every corner. And people will pay rapt attention to computer-simulated boxing matches during SportsCenter. Odd place, Philadelphia. Pick: Philadelphia

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta. A-T-L, Georgia, what can we do fo’ ya?/ Bulldoggin’ hoes like them Georgetown Hoyas/ Boy you sounding silly, think my Brougham ain’t sittin’ pretty/ Doin’ doughnuts ’round you suckas like them circles around titties. Pick: Atlanta

Cleveland @ Baltimore. I’m as baffled as you are by this Cleveland team. You know what’s not baffling, though? Baltimore’s complete lack of offense. Pick: Cleveland

San Diego @ Jacksonville. From the city of Jacksonville website: “When it comes to spectator sports in Jacksonville, there’s no question that football is king. And the king’s throne is Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, which opened in August 1995, and is home of the Jacksonville Jaguars of the National Football League.” OH, those Jacksonville Jaguars. I’m glad they specified. Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans @ JUGGERNAUT. Yeah, yeah, yeah…2006 Draft, blah blah. Whatever. This game is all about one thing–Reggie Bush’s vagina. Pick: HOUSTON

Kansas City @ Indianapolis. I cannot come up with a situation where the Colts would lose this game, even if they weren’t coming off back-to-back losses. So, instead, another story from when I lived in Kansas City. I was working out at my usual gym, which had this shitty, indoor basketball court. It was all of the usual people for the most part, including former Chief and current color-commentator JC Pearson. All of the sudden, we hear this buzz, as if a LOT more people have stopped lifting and started watching the crappy basketball game. Then, I figured out why–KC resident and (then) LA Laker Tyronne Lue had showed up and actually wanted to play. Somehow–and I will never understand why until the day I die–I wound up guarding him on five possessions. The first two times, he drained a three over me. The third, he crossed over, I fell down, and he hit a jumper. The fourth, though, right as he moved left, I stuck out my hand and stole the ball for a fast break layup. Before I could gloat, however, he caught a pass in the corner, blew past the guy closest to him, and basically jumped over me to dunk the ball. For the rest of the time I went to that gym, I was known as “the dude Lue dunked on.” Pick: Indianapolis

New York Giants @ Detroit. This could actually be one of the best games of the week, but I am completely uninspired by it. I think it’s because I hate the Lions. Pick: New York Giants

Carolina @ Green Bay. Everyone else will be pointing out that a Vinnie v. Brett matchup is a whole lot of combined years at QB. Fuck that. The more interesting story is that a Brett v. Mittens matchup pits two guys who could not be less alike against one another. It’s George Clooney v. Perez Hilton. Pick: Green Bay

Oakland @ Minnesota. Thirty years ago, I was happily gestating somewhere in southern MO, Rod Stewart was burning up the airways with “Tonight’s The Night,” and this pairing was your Super Bowl matchup. None of that really matters much, except I just realized that I am getting really close to turning thirty. Fuck. Pick: Oakland

Arizona @ Cincinnati. Hey, Marvin, when you inevitably get fired at the end of the year (if not sooner), would you have any interest in returning to a defensive coordinator position? If so, please send your resume to Gary Kubiak, 1 Reliant Park, Houston, TX 77054. (Oh, Richard Smith, if you could start boxing up your stuff, that would be great.) Pick: Arizona

Pittsburgh @ New York Jets. Horrible confession: I was a little disappointed that the J-E-T-S fireman guy wasn’t among the casualties on 9/11. Does this make me a bad person? (Like I really need to ask.) Pick: Pittsburgh

Chicago @ Seattle. [Author's note: Horrible, obvious joke coming.] They’re bringing Rexy back. Them other QBs don’t know how to act. Lovie, let him make up for all the things you lack. Let Rexy air it out because we’re sinking fast. [/horrible, obvious joke] Pick: Seattle

St. Louis @ San Francisco. Goddamn, this game sucks. Pick: St. Louis

Washington @ Dallas. Sean Taylor is hurt. This is bad. Strangely, he is still better in coverage than Roy Williams. Also, because I have nothing else, fuck the Cowboys. Pick: Dallas

New England @ Buffalo. Will they get to 19-0? I’m not sure. Will they beat the Bills? You bet your sweet titties. Pick: New England

Tennessee @ Denver. DGDB&D reader (and part-time instigator) Tman is going to be at this game. With any luck, Barrel Man will expose himself to Tman and the other Titans fans just as Ian Gold knocks Vince Young unconscious. Regardless, the odds of me busting out the live blog for this game are pretty good. Pick: Denver

I had planned to just jump right into the weekly picks, but I saw this at KSK. And, honestly, on a Friday, can you think of anything better than ogling some pictures of YOUR Houston Texans cheerleaders? (Other than ogling the real thing in person, I mean. Duh.)

Last week: 9-4
Season: 67-48

Week 9 Picks

Byes: Chicago, Miami, St. Louis, and New York Giants

San Francisco @ Atlanta. I honestly cannot come up with a reason to watch this unless you have Frank Gore on your fantasy team. So, instead, I will mention that I traded Frank Gore for Braylon Edwards straight up. Last year. Man, I got hosed on that one. Pick: Atlanta

Cincinnati @ Buffalo. The defenseless Cinci shitbags up against a Buffalo team that should be 4-3? In Buffalo? Why, yes, I will pick Buffalo again, thank you. Pick: Buffalo

Denver @ Detroit. Oh, yeah, Jon Kitna? You think YOU’VE got divine help? I just went above your head, dude. Pick: Denver

Green Bay @ Kansas City. Something about discussing Kansas City games always reminds me of some story from when I lived there. This week, because Green Bay reminds me of cold, I was at a game in Arrowhead, watching the Chiefs play the Arizona Cardinals. The guys in front of us were shirtless, despite the fact that it was about 34 degrees at kickoff. At one point, one of them busts out the old “your tongue won’t really stick to metal in the cold.” If I am posting this story, obviously one of his friends took him up on the challenge. And his tongue did stick. And they had to go get hot chocolate to loosen it. And they managed to pour really hot chocolate down the left side of this dude’s face. Fucking Kansas Citians. Pick: Green Bay

San Diego @ Minnesota. You know, last week’s game was a traveshamockery of the highest order. Still, I think the people jumping on the “clearly San Diego is the third best team in football” train might be a little pre-mature. They are good, don’t get me wrong, but last week didn’t prove much other than the Texans still having a lot to work on. Pick: San Diego

Jacksonville @ New Orleans. Remember kids: Steroids in baseball = the devil; Steroids in football = Pro Bowl. Not for me, though–I am one of the rare people who has no problem with steroids in any sport. Performance enhancing, man! I like enhanced flavor, enhanced television clarity, and surgically-enhanced titties, why wouldn’t I want enhanced performance from the athletes I’m paying to watch? Make ‘em all do steroids, that’s my motto! Pick: Jacksonville

Washington @ New York Jets. Good news, Washington fans: the Jets are awful. Bad news: you might be, too. You are not this awful, however, especially with Carlos Rogers gone. Pick: Washington

Carolina @ Tennessee. Obviously, pick: Tennessee.

Arizona @ Tampa Bay. Ah, the NFC. Where both of these teams are still viable playoff contenders. Pick: Tampa Bay

Seattle @ Cleveland. Two questions: Is there any doubt that NFC West is the worst division in football? Can we officially change his name to “The Surprising Derek Anderson?” Pick: Cleveland

New England @ Indy. You’d think this game would be getting more press. Pick: New England

JUGGER-NOT @ Oakland. I honestly don’t know anything about this Oakland team other than they have a certain DB I covet and that they seem to employ a very high number of weed smokers and all-around malcontents. Good times. But let’s be fucking blunt here: If we lose this game, the season is fucked worse than a $5 whore. Worse than Edward Norton in American History X. Worse than…you get the point. So, in that vein, we have to win. Thus, pick: Houston

Dallas @ Philadelphia. Donovan McNabb said that the road to the NFC East title still goes through Philadelphia. Yeah. Right. And the road to the Time Magazine Man of the Year still rolls through Little Rock. Whatever. Pick: Dallas

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh. Laptop battery low. Pick: Pittsburgh

I suppose it goes without saying that this is not exactly where I hoped we would be at the halfway point. But I am going to say it anyway.

I hoped that this season would be the equivalent of sipping Clos du Mesnil 1995 with a supermodel on board your private jet.

I expected that this season would be the equivalent of enjoying Chateau Mouton Rothschild Pauillac 1986 on the patio of your 12,000 square foot oceanside villa.

Right now, this season is the equivalent of sucking stale PBR out of the G-string of a male stripper in the bathroom of a truckstop in Shamrock, TX.

You could say it’s not quite living up to expectations.

Look, I realize that we have been ravaged–decimated even–by injuries. Not many teams could lose their biggest weapon, their starting running back, both of their kick/punt returners, a starting safety and the safety’s first replacement, and their starting center and expect to contend for anything. Well, unless they were in the NFC, but that’s a different story.

The injuries are still no excuse for the play we’ve seen since kickoff of the Atlanta game. Poor (at best) defensive play-calling, mediocre clock-management, questionable roster decisions, the continued employment of Petey Faggins…any one of these would be troublesome. Having all of them? Well, that explains the current record.

I am currently trying to answer the question of “where do we go from here?” At our current level of play, the answer is 3-13. A more realistic number, barring some major changes, is probably 6-10. A best-case scenario would be 8-8.

I am going to split the baby and peg us at no more than 7 wins. Which would be the equivalent of drinking Chimay Bleue poolside with a couple of hot redheads who are milking you for free drinks and will absolutely not sleep with you.

Sad part is, with the taste of warm PBR still in your throat, that overpriced cocktease seems like a win.

Come 6AM tomorrow, I will be on my way to H-town. Anyone within shouting distance of the Bayou City who enjoys such things as, say, the Texans and alcohol should stop by Jimmie’s Place, 2803 White Oak Dr, 77007 at some time after 7PM. Those who do not like the Texans and alcohol are probably reading the wrong blog. May I suggest a different one which you might find more comfortable, comrade?

Expect nothing from me until Monday. Oh, and someone feed the dogs while I am gone.

A number of people have posted this link and/or emailed it to me. Apparently, there are rumors–granted, they stem from a chat at the Chron, so take them with a pound of salt–that Ahman Green could be “one and done” with the Texans.

The Houston Chronicle believes the Texans’ signing of Ahman Green could wind up being “a one-year stint.”

Green has been unproductive and hurt during his first six games as a Texan, and the contract he signed in March was only a year-to-year commitment. Beat ["]writer["] Megan Manfull indicates that Houston’s willingness to keep Green will depend on whether he can stay healthy during the second half.

Ignoring the redundancy in the second paragraph (all NFL contracts are nothing more than a “year-to-year” or even “week-to-week” commitment), this would seem to make sense. The reasons behind getting Green were (a) we needed a running back, (b) we thought he had enough left in the tank to give us 14 or 15 solid games, and (c) he knew the system by virtue of having played under Mike Sherman in Green Bay. Now, while (a) seems to still be very true and (c) is arguably still correct, (b) looks like a pretty faulty assumption. On top of which, this upcoming drafted is ridiculously loaded with RBs, especially first-round quality RBs. If we can punt Ahman’s salary for next season and use it on a Steve Slaton or Felix Jones (or, if we keep playing like we did last week, Darren McFadden), we’re probably better off longterm. So, I guess you could put me down in the “yeah, that makes sense” camp regarding this story.

In somewhat-related-but-not-really news, Vince Young is currently listed as day-to-day, which might be the least insightful label a coach can put on a player. All that really means is, what, that he’s alive today and likely will be alive tomorrow? Whatever. Anyway, this is great news for those of us who are far more concerned with “win the fucking game” than with “see if we can beat Vince.” I really have no issues with us having LenDale White killed–can you imagine the amount of jerky you could make from his corpse?–and tipping off police to the child porn that we had surreptitiously placed on Keith Bulluck’s cell phone. I just want to win the game, goddamnit.

Elsewhere on the injury front, Kubiak is apparently “hopeful” that Andre Johnson will be ready to go this week. This version of “hopeful” is somehow different from the “hopeful” of previous weeks, in that this one is grounded in some sort of reality. Nice. Considering the state of our offense over the past three weeks, Andre starting would make me happier than just about anything in the whole universe that didn’t involve boobies or beer.