DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Dear meth-laden BE-SF fans*: A love note from bfd

Aug 19, 2008 Broken Record, Bud Adams is evil, Logo by Chris, Suck it bitchez, What the fuck?

Earl Campbell?  Really?

When Earl chose Houston to call his home, he knew no one man could do it alone.

That, if you don’t know, is a lyric from “Big Bad Earl” by Tom Cantrell.  But if you are an average BE-SF fan or a complete dumbass like August West, aka cumsucker, you wouldn’t know that, would you?  And why would you not know that?

Because Earl Campbell never played a game in that back-assed state.  That’s why.  How is this concept even remotely confusing?

Sure, we can blame the makers of the poll for this error the same way we can blame your 6th grade English teacher because you still think it’s spelled “kat,” but that misses the point, doesn’t it?  You morons simply don’t understand that the Oilers aren’t your team.  It never was, and it never will be.

And contrary to Tom’s argument, there is plenty of justification to be pissed.  Bud Adams did his best to alienate the city of Houston at every opportunity.  That fucker’s only interest is self-interest, and he hated that Bum Phillips and Earl Campbell and the waiter at Los Tios were far more popular than he was.  For that prick, the goal was never to win, but to make as many shiny dimes as possible.  As far as I’m concerned, Bud Adams is a perfect fit for you people: you can have him, but you cannot have the Oilers.

After all, how many of you actually cheered for the team?  How many of you invested every NFL Sunday rooting for them?  And how many of you actually *WATCHED EARL CAMPBELL PLAY?*  None?  Or is it less?

I will end with, fuck you to all who voted for somebody other than Steve McNair or Eddie George.  To those who did vote for those guys?  Thank you for actually paying attention.

Again, I say to anybody who rooted for the Oilers while they were in Houston and followed that “loyalty” to TN: you are a fucking idiot of epic, titanic proportions.

Yours in Durga,

bfd

* Excludes Tman and NTT, both of whom I actually like and enjoy reading what they have to say, even if I disagree.

A revised look at 4-3 defensive theory

Jun 17, 2008 2008 Season, Broken Record, Colvin, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Football 101, I love defensive football, Morlon Greenwood, Okam's Razor, Posts that list too many players, Rendhel and Sid, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Fred, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Because two of my good friends are Giants and Redskins fans, respectively, I find myself engaged in more conversations about NFC East football that one would expect for a Texans fan. However, because I am obsessed with defensive football–especially defensive line play–I actually enjoy these chats and, more often than not, come away with some new ideas about our team.

Anyway, one idea that we’ve been kicking around lately is that the Texans should run a variation on the Eagles’ defense because (a) our personnel is tailor-made for such a system and (b) that system would allow our front seven to protect the weaknesses in our back four, just like it did for the Super Bowl Champion Giants.  Sounds good, no?

Let me back up a bit, though, and lay this out. Back in late October of last season, I wrote a long post advocating, first, that we blitz, and, second, that we come up with some creative fronts and utilize the zone blitz more often.

2b. So, then…how should we go about blitzing (other than with the aforementioned proper use of the WLB)? The answer is simple: the zone blitz

[4-3 defense 102 here. Feel free to skip ahead.]

The idea behind the zone blitz is two-fold. First, duh, create pressure. Second, however, it tries to confuse the offense’s blocking calls by sending any of the three linebackers (or, occasionally, a safety) while someone else fills the space left by the vacating backer. In that way, the defense does not lose the extra hands in coverage, but should still be able to get penetration because the offensive line will not know where the blitz is coming from on a given play.

For example, the zone blitz allows the MLB to blitz through the A-gap, while the nose tackle stunts over through the B-gap. In coverage, the WLB fills the space vacated by the MLB and the RDE drops back and out into the space that WLB would fill in a standard two deep zone. So, when the QB sees the MLB attack, his natural reaction is to look to throw at where the blitz came from (or, if he’s guessing that the WLB will fill, to where the WLB came from), only to find the ball thrown right at a defender.

Then, on the very next play, with the very same package, the team could go with a more traditional WLB blitz, but have the RDE slide back to fill. We saw this play once or twice in the preseason with Shantee Orr lined up outside the RDE and it was effective.

An added bonus of blitzing out of a two-deep zone is that it allows our best defensive player to make even more of an impact on the game. DeMeco Ryans has two sacks this season, both of which have come on a straight blitz. On both plays, he came more or less untouched (one against Harrington late in the game when we decided to actually play D and the one last week where he nearly killed Kerry Collins) because he was allowed to read the offensive line and choose between the A- and B-gap and he smacked the QB right in the mouth. He has also been asked to run blitz a couple times and he’s found success there. So, if we start using him on some zone blitzes, teams will have to account for him more. Meaning that blitzes from other positions–say Danny Clarkstunting over the LDE with Morlon Greenwood dropping back to the middle and DeMeco filling the space where the SLB would normally be–a team throwing over the blitz would be throwing the ball right at our best defensive weapon. Likewise, letting DeMeco creep up and show blitz, especially if he’d already had success, would create more chances for the d-linemen on either side of him to get ignored by an overzealous o-lineman. And so on, and so forth.

[/4-3 Defense 102]

I cannot state this strongly enough. Blitzing is a necessity when you have 1/4th of a real secondary.Zone blitzing allows for our strong front seven to create mismatches while still keeping two or three extra bodies in coverage and allowing our best defensive player to better impact the game. While you cannot necessarily use the zone blitz on every down (it becomes less effective at some point), how is this not a better option than dropping the three LBs, relying entirely on your front four for any pressure on the QB, and watching the QB have time to locate and throw at Petey Faggins?

3. Why do we use our front four in such a vanilla manner?

Just like you can’t run the zone blitz on every defensive snap, if you do anything over and over, eventually everyone in the NFL will know your tendencies. (By “eventually,” I mean “by next week.”) Right now, we have the same formulaic defensive line positions. Mario at RDE on running plays, Mario at LDE on passing plays, blah blah blah.

Why?

First of all, backing up a step, why when Mario moves to LDE–a move I really, really like–do the tackles not flip-flop so that Amobi Okoye is not beside Mario? We’ve covered this before. Yes, I am fully aware that Amobi has four sacks and that, on three of those, Mario is clearly occupying at least two blockers. That’s all well and good, but, like we said before, it’s not really the highest, best use of their talents. Flipping Amobi puts your two-gap, big-bodied tackle between Mario and Okoye. It is this player’s goal to pick up two blockers, which means that either Amobi or Mario (or, possibly, both) would draw single blocking more often than not. Meaning, oh I don’t know, that we would get more consistent penetration from both sides of the line.

But, back to where we started question 3: why even have a definite set order for your defensive linemen? I mean, sure, if you are going to have set positions based on down and distance, then for god’s sake, do it correctly within the constraints of the 4-3. But do you really even have to have set positions? Right now, you have Mario Williams who, though Richard Justice would disagree, is actually playing very well [This sentence is hilarious in retrospect. --Ed.]. You have Amobi Okoye, who is playing the pass-rush role as well as we hoped and playing the running game better than we hoped. AND you have Travis Johnson who is just playing some inspired football right now, hustling, hitting people, and playing like you would hope a first-round DT would [Did I really write that? Jeez. --Ed.]. That’s three real pass rushers, plus we haven’t even touched on Kalu,Weaver, Maddox, etc.

With that kind of ability up front, why become so predictable that teams can game plan and negate some of the advantage you have? Mix it up a little. Go big on one play and have Mario, Maddox, Johnson, and Amobi from left to right. Next time out, go with your more traditional base. Then turn around and go small (relatively speaking) with Mario, Okoye, Cochran, and Orr [Replace "Orr" with "Colvin" or "Thompson" --Ed.]. Create a mismatch by putting Mario at under tackle and then having him twist-stunt with Weaver lined up at DE. The possibilities are vast…if you will just use them.

Note: I am fully aware that Mario moved around a lot last year and that some of the coaching staff thought that might have been his “problem.” You know, rather than just having an injured foot and being a rookie at a tough position. That’s all well and good, but setting up your front so that he is guaranteed to get doubled on every single play is hardly the answer.

I guess the bigger point here for question three is JUST DO SOMETHING. Don’t keep running out there with a predictable front four rotation, no blitz packages to speak of, and a secondary that can’t cover for as long as you are asking them to. DO SOMETHING.

The great thing about the 4-3 is the balance. But that balance is in terms of playing the run versus playing the pass, meaning you still have to play to the strengths of your D. Consistency in game planning will always equal regression in the NFL; worse, consistently planning in the same incorrect manner will always equal failure.

While a number of you bought into my arguments, there were a good number who argued that “we’d blitz if we could” and “Richard Smith is doing the best he can with what he has.”  Of course, my whole argument was that, no he wasn’t, but that’s beside the point.  The point is the team did start blitzing the very next week (I know you are reading this, Smith!) and did so with success, I might add.  Unfortunately, it never really got into the idea of true zone blitzing or, more importantly, blitzing teams with high-octane offenses (read: the Colts game) and there was little or no creativity shown in our alignments and packages.

Now, I still stand by my assertions that my approach to the defense would work and work well given our roster.  However, upon further review, I see that there is an even better approach we could take.

Which brings us to the Eagles’ scheme.  And, even better, brings us to an Xs and Os breakdown of said scheme.

The Eagles ostensibly run a 4-3 defense.  Their system differs from the standard 4-3, though, in a number of ways, all of them significant.

1. The Outside Linebackers. Instead of having a true SLB and WLB, they make the two OLBs interchangeable in terms of responsibilities and positioning. Using these fungible LBs, on nearly every play one of the OLBs rotates up, creating a five-man front and showing blitz while the other rotates back, creating additional space between himself and the line.  Despite being on the line, however, there is no guarantee that that linebacker will blitz; the Eagles will sometimes bring the other OLB, a CB, a safety, or nobody at all (though bringing no one is rare–the Eagles blitz almost 65% of the time), with the up linebacker dropping into coverage either by hitting a specified zone or by picking up the TE or RB or FB in man coverage.

On the other hand, there will obviously be times when the up linebacker does blitz.  In this system, though, he might be joined in the rush by the other OLB, by either corner, or (one of the Eagles’ favorite moves) by the safety.  Or maybe he’s joined by two or three of those guys.  Or maybe you think he’s going to be joined by the safety, only to find the safety back in coverage right as you release the ball…see where I’m going with this?

Another facet of the Philly scheme is that OLB speed is not as important as instincts and the ability to get where you need to be in coverage. This is not to say that speed isn’t an asset–of course it is. Rather, it just means that a player like Greenwood who has shown great instincts (see, e.g., the Atlanta game when he realized Faggins had blown the underneath coverage and tried to get there from his spot on the edge) becomes more  valuable in this system. 

2. The Middle Linebacker. The Eagles’ system simultaneously limits the MLB and gives him greater freedom to impact the game, which sounds illogical but isn’t.  In your standard 4-3, the MLB generally reads the offensive line and the FB and then flows to a hole, whether that hole is in the A-gap or all the way out in the D-gap. But his flow to the hole is limited by his added responsibility of maintaining interior defensive positioning until he is sure there is no cut-back run.  Only after making all of the proper reads is your MLB free to use his speed and be the sideline-to-sideline playmaker.  

In the Philly scheme, the MLB has two responsibilities–the A-gaps–because all of the other holes are filled with rushing bodies. If the play goes away from these gaps, the MLB’s defined responsibilities are done and he is freed to roam the field, ad-lib, and create plays, meaning that he doesn’t have to have the same great recovery speed that the standard 4-3 MLB does.  It is this simultaneous limiting and freeing that makes someone like Jeremiah Trotter a dominant MLB in this system; ask him to play sideline-to-sideline like a typical 4-3 MLB as they did in Washington and he sucks immensely, but put him in Philly where he only has to play the A-gaps and he’ll consistently get 100 solo tackles and 3-5 sacks a year.

3. Defensive Line Theory. In Philly’s scheme, the only player in the front seven who has true two-gap responsibility is the Nose Tackle, and even he only has to do it every once in a while.  (The MLB is responsible for two gaps, but they are really just the same gap on either side of the center and not a two-gap responsibility in the same sense that the NT has.) Now, on the face of it, that is not so different from a standard 4-3. The devil is in the details, though.

A typical 4-3 is a read-and-react defense for everyone except a blitzer (and, really, even he is supposed to do this).  Now, while the linemen in a 4-3 only have one gap responsibility, the difference between their one-gap requirements and Philly’s DL one-gap requirements is one of intent and initial movement. For example, in the read-and-react approach, his primary responsibility is to read the lineman blocking him because, while he has C- or D-gap (depending on alignment and shift) requirements as well as contain, he has to remain in position to go either direction with respect to his blocker–on an inside run, he has to be able to shed the block and crash down; on an outside run, he needs to get free of the block and seal the edge. To do this successfully, the lineman must stand his blocker up and stay square with him long enough to read the play and react to it (hence the name).

In an attacking, Philly-style system, which is a one-gap attacking approach, the first responsibility for the DE as well as all the other lineman is to get 1.5 to 2 yards upfield, then flow to the ball. What this means in practice (assuming perfect execution) is, in a read-and-react D, every lineman stands his blocker up, then flows along the face of the blockers down the line of scrimmage to the ball, while, in an attacking one-gap system, the defensive linemen get behind the blockers and then flow (or, more accurately, crash) to the ball.

As a quick aside, obviously, each system will have its flaws and benefits. The read-and-react defense expect the linebackers to make most of the tackles, which means consistent positive yardage for the opposing team, yet it also gives you a safety net of a clogged line and three backers moving to the ball. The attacking defense runs a risk of giving up the big play if the linemen or LBs miss their tackles, but it also gives you a near certainty of consistently stopping the opposition for no gain or a loss.

A second difference in D-line theory between the two schemes is movement of the front four by way of stunts and whatnot. Because it is a one-gap system, the linemen are freed to do any number of a variety of stunts so long as the movement ends with one of them in each gap. While such stunts are theoretically possible in a standard 4-3, you can’t do it too much when the DTs may have multiple gaps or when you are worried about breaking contain on the outside. When you are sending the house on a blitz, however, all that matters is (a) that a body ends up in each of the gaps and (b) that you can count on your MLB to make tackles on anyone who comes thru the A gaps or slips around the edge (which goes back to the freedom of the MLB’s responsibilities).

4. Coverage. Much like the front seven, the coverage in a Philly scheme is incredibly fluid. If you watch the Eagles (or the Giants, who are actually a better comparison given their lack of a super secondary), the coverage calls might change two or three times before the ball is snapped. An initial coverage is called based on down and distance. Once the offense breaks its huddle, the coverage is changed if necessary to account for the personnel and the formation. Even better, the coverage can change on the fly after the ball is snapped. So, while the Cover 2 (which is pretty much a one-gap system up front) has players moving to specified zones and has some discrete coverage schemes within the larger system, the Philly system moves seamlessly from zone to man to zone again.

I just re-read that paragraph and it is not overly clear. By way of an incredibly simplistic example (that doesn’t account for some coverage variables): In the Philly system, assume the defense has called a 5-man blitz based on the offense’s personnel of two WR and two TE on third-and-long and that the OLB who has rotated up to the line is supposed to cover one tight end, the nickel corner is coming on the blitz, and the other OLB is picking up the second TE. Now, presnap, the offense shifts the second TE out wide, so the coverage audibles for the third CB to pick up the second TE and the OLB who was going to pick up that TE to blitz. At the snap, the TE who was to be picked up by the up linebacker stays in to block, so that OLB instantly becomes a blitzer as well.  You’ve gone from a 5-man corner blitz to a 6-man two-LB blitz without changing your alignment or your package. By bringing out the extra TE, the offense has caused more blitzers to come.  That’s some beautiful stuff right there–it’s the beauty of the system that, should the defense recognize the initial blitz and audible into something else, your system accounts for that by changing your blitz altogether.

The second part of the scheme is that it does not pigeonhole your coverage into a certain system. So often, teams that run a Cover 2 design their blitzes based on the principles and assignments of the Cover 2. You will almost never see them come with a safety blitz because that leaves a hole in the coverage they are comfortable running and it is impossible to disguise from the Cover 2 alignment. A corner blitz is disguiseable because the CBs line up on the line, but it requires an OLB to cheat out and cover the area where the corner vacated, which is always dangerous.

But, as Philly showed against New England and Dallas last year, their system doesn’t force you into any specific pass defense. Against the Pats, the Eagles blitzed constantly, from all sorts of angles, and played straight up man coverage behind it and very nearly won that game. In the first half against the Cowboys, Philly again brought extra rushers, but alternated between man and zone behind it. Then, in the second half, they continued to show blitz on every play, but dropped everyone into coverage. The first half pressure had gotten to Romo, though, and he could not find a rhythm even when the blitz didn’t come.

Underlying each of these differences are the basic tenets of the system–create confusion by showing lots of different looks pre-snap and by bringing pressure from all sorts of locations, never let the offense know who is coming or how many are coming (anywhere from 5-8, but more than 4 about 2/3 of the time), and plug every hole while confusing the O-line and causing them to make mistakes. Basically, it’s an offensive take on defense: an attempt to create plays rather than reacting to what the offense is doing. Get upfield, and then play football.

How Does This Apply To Us?

Which brings us to the point of this post. Namely that your Houston Texans possess enough talent and flexibility in their front seven to run a modified version of this system and run it well.

Our defensive line would thrive in the one-gap approach. Imagine telling Mario Williams and even Anthony Weaver, “ok, first we want you to just get in the backfield, then worry about where the ball is.” Could anyone stop Mario in that situation if he didn’t have to react to the play before choosing a lane? Hell, could any TWO people consistently stop him in that situation? I think not. Weaver, likewise, would thrive because he would not have to react to left tackles–something he lacks the speed to do consistently–as much as just beat them off the line and get past them on whatever line he wants. Amobi and Frank Okam on the inside would also be fantastic in this scheme–you wouldn’t be asking two young players to read the play and their blockers. Amobi has already shown a nose for the ball, so you’d be telling him to follow those instincts. And Okam would actually be better than anything Philly uses on the inside–both of their starting DTs are much smaller than he is–and as the only two-gapper would have the girth to really eat up the blockers in his path. Hell, this system would even make Travis Johnson valuable again as the backup for both tackle positions. Love him or hate him (and I did both last year), his biggest problem is that he’s too small to really be a two-gap NT. This system would make him just put his head down and go upfield rather than trying to take on two blockers, so you could spell Okam with him when you didn’t need a two-gapper at all, or Johnson could back up Okoye. Oh, and Rosie Colvin? He could be the second D-end in nickel situations because, like Weaver, his success would not depend on being able to react and beat a LT. Much like Mathias Kiwanuka was for the Giants, he would be the pin-your-ears-back rusher in pure passing downs.

Like I said way back up there, this defense would make Greenwood even better than he has been for us. (And he has been very good, but that’s a whole other article.) Opposite him, it would make life both easier and more fun for Zac Diles–he would be freed from playing the standard run-stopping role of the SLB and would be allowed to use his speed and ability more freely. Plus, you are simplifying the game for a young guy learning a new position because you are giving him specific assignments–rotate up and blitz, rotate up and cover the TE (but blitz if he tries to block you), rotate back and cover the TE/RB, rotate back and blitz. Simple, straightforward.  You could also sub in Chaun Thompson in pure passing downs if you thought he was a better blitzer than Diles because teams would then assume he was coming, even when he wasn’t.

I’ve mentioned the Giants a few times through this thing as a more apt comparison for us and a better model to build from. This is because the Eagles have one piece that we do not have–Brian Dawkins.  Dawkins role in the Philly system is manifold: he is an additional linebacker, he plans man-up on WRs, he blitzes, and he patrols the deep middle. We don’t have a player that can do that unless and until Dunta comes back as a FS.  (Which would be amazingly perfect for this system.) The Giants don’t have the dominating safety, nor do they really have an impressive secondary, but they run a version of this same Philly defense up front (Steve Spagnolo is from the Philly organization) and they won the Super Bowl with it! All without a great secondary.  Sound familiar?

The important thing is, if you lack the physical presence of a Brian Dawkins, you have to have a safety back there who is smart enough to make the right reads for the coverage. For the Super Bowl Champion Giants, it was Gibril Wilson. For us, it could just as easily be Will Demps, who might not be Dawkins but is a smart, instinctive safety nonetheless.  In fact, to paraphrase my buddy Rendhel, the Giants have not had a great secondary in years, but they always have a good defense because they understand the value of pressuring the QB.  When they got Spagnolo and the Philly system, they took this appreciation of pressure to a new level.

Right now, we don’t have a very good secondary, but we seem to also lack the proper appreciation for just how much QB pressure can improve the coverage. Jacques Reeves is blindingly fast, meaning he could come on corner blitzes. But he could also stay with anyone in the league for two or three seconds. It’s when you start asking him to cover longer that he becomes a liability. Fred Bennett is an instinctive young player and will probably become pretty good, but he has still shown that he can be beat if you ask him to cover too long–why not remove that liability more often than not?

I could go on and on, but the point is that we have the personnel to do this and we have first-hand evidence that this kind of defense turns an otherwise non-spectacular team into a playoff team and a real contender. Unfortunately, we also have a defensive coordinator who wouldn’t blitz at all until around Halloween and then backed of his blitzing any time it stumbled a bit. That is the absolute worst attitude a d-coordinator can have.  Now, maybe the presence of Ray Rhodes (phormer Philly coach!) will give Smith the testicular fortitude to at least be more aggressive. I can dream, I guess. Because, until we get a new coordinator or our coordinator gets a new outlook, this post is nothing but navel gazing to a disgusting degree.

Like always, though, just because they won’t do it, doesn’t mean I am wrong.

BFD’s take on the Texans’ 2008 Draft - the first time, at least…

Apr 27, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Alex Gibbs, BFD's Real Doll, Broken Record, Chaun, DRC, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, I really dig my readers, Jacoby Jones is unheralded, Morlon Greenwood, Posts that list too many players

Well, it’s all done but the crying. I gotta admit that I’m still disappointed that we lost out on DRC (note to self: do a better job discrediting who we want next year), and I will forever hate the Cards because of it. Or something. That said, I’m gonna throw up (sic) some grades for our draft this year, and I would love to hear your feedback. I’m not going to do any purposeful agitating a la Little Dickie Justice, age 12. I’m going to try and be as honest as possible with my subjectivity and objectivity.

1st Round (#26 overall): Duane Brown, LT, Virginia Tech.  I originally wasn’t too excited, and then I slipped quickly into acceptance. Considering he was taken with the 26th pick of the 1st Round, it’s definitely an over-draft. That we traded back eight places and still got the guy we allegedly wanted the entire time earns some points, though. For now, it’s a bit of a wash on the good and bad, and I am still worried about his ability to have a short-term impact on the team, so I will go with a Grade B. No, not great. I think it’s average right now, and it’s a full grade higher because of the trade down and acquisition of additional picks. Mr. Brown and Smithiak are certainly welcome to make me eat that grade, however.

3rd Round #1 (#79 overall): Antwaun Molden, CB, Eastern Kentucky. curtisdisco had some good things to say about Molden at BRB, and if you check out the entire thread, the guy is definitely a work-out fiend. Seriously, the guy seems to be a slightly lesser version of DRC: small school and huge combine numbers. Considering what the guy has had to deal with as a human, and how *pissed* he was at his badass workouts, I am prepared to go JJ on him. Grade B+.

3rd Round #2 (#89 overall): Steve Slaton, RB, West Virginia. I do worry he’ll be a Chris Perry at the highest level due to his size and seeming inability to run between the tackles, but he definitely has game-changing ability. Used in the proper role, I can see him excelling. Grade B+. I do think we need to set realistic expectations that he is not a true #1 RB, but I have no problem with that, either.

4th Round (#118 overall): Xavier Adibi, OLB, Virginia Tech. Here’s my take…so, we didn’t take a DE in this draft, yet I believe it to be a serious area of need. We signed Chaun Thompson, who could line-up at DE as a serious speed rusher. Yes, that’s where I am going with this. Chaun will see a lot of time opposite Mario at DE, and I have absolutely no problem with this. Chaun *is* 6′2″, 250lbs, so he’s not terribly undersized. But if he can become a demon off the outside, yeah, I’m liking this.

As for Adibi, as I said previously, I see a lot of Morlon Greenwood. Others in the Draft Thread said DeMeco, but that’s a little too far for me. And again with the b0ng hit of Adibi. He’ll definitely challenge Zach Diles and Kevin Bentley at SAM. An interesting pick with some seriously high upside. Grade A-. As stupid as this may sound, if any of our picks have a big impact in 2008, I think it’s most likely to be Adibi.

5th round (#151 overall): Frank Okam, DT, The University of Texas at Austin…bitchez. Yes, an alum from my beloved alma mater. And, yes, I am super-excited about this pick (though not as excited as Tim). He has a first-class body, a top-of-the-class mind, but he has the motor of a moped. He also needs some serious work on his technique. The worst thing about him is his ability to disappear for stretches, but when he’s on, he’s Shaun Rogers good (when his engine is running, of course).

Going into the 2007 season, I thought Okam would be a legit 1st round pick. That he slid is more of an indictment of the motor, technique, and (oh yeah!) conditioning than it is anything else. A motivated Okam would be an absolute steal and the acquisition of a 1st rounder in the 5th. Grade A-.

6th round (#173 overall): Dominique Barber, S, Minnesota. I just don’t understand this pick. We took Molden, we have enough DBs to hold up against Andre Ware, and we took the slowest S on the board? I mean, I think even I could hang with this guy in the 40 (20 years ago). Look, he may be Marion’s brother, but I hate that SOB. Grade D.

7th round (#223 overall): Alex Brink, QB, Washington State. I watched only about half of one WSU game this year, and I don’t have much of an image of Brink. He’s mobile but smallish, and he definitely has a “West Coast Offense” kinda arm, which means it ain’t the strongest. I will reiterate that I believe that Kubiak carries three QBs on the active roster, and Brink will be practice squad fodder. Grade who cares.

Overall Grade:

I think we are seeing a trend of sorts with Smithiak, which is taking safer picks in the earlier rounds and going for the homerun in later rounds. I’m OK with this. Brown, for all the smack, was a fairly safe pick. Mario and DeMeco were a fairly safe picks. In 2007, ManChild was an easy call and not a gamble, but they went Jacoby Jones in the 3rd, Fred Bennett in the 4th, and Brandon Frye in the 5th (looking forward to seeing him in the summer).

This draft just seems similar to me. A safer pick at the line early (Brown vs. Okoye), l33t skill position in the 3rd (Slaton vs. JJ [nod to JJ here, though]), a DB with upside (Bennett vs. Molden) in there, and another lineman with talent in the 5th (Okam vs. Frye).

Overall, I give this draft a very sold B+ with a greater possibility of upside than not. Molden and/or Okam could make this grade an “A” by themselves, much less Brown or Slaton. I’m excited.

Little Dickie Justice, age 12, still doesn’t get it

Apr 10, 2008 2006 Draft, Anger, Broken Record, Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Little Dickie Justice, Reggie Bush, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Vinsanity, age 12

Promoted from our boards, the awesomest thing ever on the internetz. Evar.

According to kozanack, who gets today’s award for raising my blood pressure, Little Dickie Justice was on the radio yesterday and…well, I’ll let koz tell his own story:

I was driving along today, channel surfing on my car radio, and sort of half way paying attention to the blather. Suddenly I realized the host (Justice) was trashing the Texans because they had the opportunity to increase the level of interest in pro football with the casual fan here in Houston, but screwed the pooch. He followed that by saying that Drayton and Les Alexander had confided in him that the Texans would be on top of the sports world here in Houston in only they had taken Vince or even Reggie instead of Mario. Then he went on to say one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.

He said that even though last year Mario clearly outperformed both Reggie and Vince, Vince was the right pick at the time, and the Texans blew it. He went on to say that even if Mario turns out to the best decision in the long term, Vince was the right choice at the time, so the Texans blew it. Basically, even if Vince bombs, anyone other than Vince was the wrong choice, especially Mario.

I think the first thing we should all be is thankful that Justice does not have any actual influence on our football decision-makers.

Matt and I have lamented before on Little Dickie Justice’s obvious homo-erotic man-crush on VY, not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that. Just because I think Maria Sharpova is gorgeous does not de facto mean that she’s the best tennis player in the world. But that seems to be about 51% of Justice’s argument (Maria, call me!).

The other 49% seems to be, and this is more speculation than anything, that because Vince is a hometown hero, he would be better from a marketing standpoint. Now, of course, this completely discredits whatever Reggie Bush argument he might have, but I’m trying to pry open a walnut-sized mind here, so give me a break.

Back to Vince. Drafting Vince would’ve been, specifically, a marketing ploy. This means that this second half of Justice’s argument is that marketing is much more important than winning. Now, I could go back and do a regression analysis of the relation between winning and attendance, but as fans, we don’t need that analysis. We already know better: winning teams put fannies in seats. Period.

Could you imagine an offense with 2 INT to 1 TD Young? Heck, let’s say we drafted both Young and Bush and his awesome 3.7 YPC and complete inability to run between the tackles (a kinda necessity in a zone blocking scheme, donchaknow). What would you guess for a record? 3-13? 2-14? Again, be thankful Justice isn’t in charge of these decisions.

What bothers me most, I think, is that it exposes Houston’s traditional print media as a bunch of moronic crybabies who are still pouting three years later that they didn’t get their way. As I’ve said before: if I was wrong every day of my life and didn’t understand the basic concepts of my job, I would lose my job instantly.

Little Dickie: you were wrong then, you are wrong now. There’s no way you can rationalize this one to your advantage, and every time you open your mouth, you embarrass yourself. Mario > VY + Bush. The end.

And I just had to get the following on our front page, courtesy and permission of DiehardChris:

Well done, Chris.  Well done.

Now, just a little to the left…oh yeah, that’s the spot

Mar 23, 2008 2008 Season, Awesomeness, Broken Record, Dancing With the 'Tards, McTard

Pancakes, my new enemy #1, has posted a somewhat professional article saying the Texans have signed Quinn Gray to back up…well, he ain’t gonna be the #3 QB, I tell you what.

I don’t have a ton of time to go deep with this, but here are the quick hits:

1. Kubiak doesn’t carry a 3rd QB on the active roster.

2. Quinn did not sign to be on the practice squad.

3. As has been mentioned by me previously (too lazy to link, so see the next link), Rosie Rosenfels is on the block.

I think it’s just a matter of time before we see some dominoes start to fall, though I don’t know if it’ll look like my heavenly nirvana (the attendance of virgins may vary). I can say that I am excited about the possibilities, but I’m also not wearing any pants.

Let me end by reminding everyone who reads this blog that Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie is personally responsible for every tax rate hike over the last 50 years.

PS: Chron? Suck. On. This. If it wasn’t personal before, it’s personal now.

Texans fans: The Giants luv you! {hugs}

Mar 11, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Blasphemy, Broken Record, Casserly blows goats... I have proof, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, I really dig my readers, Non-Texan stuff, Pacman Jones' gunrack, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

This post is about four hours late this morning. Doesn’t my employer know that work time is blog time? DAMMIT! Anyway, work sucks today, so sorry for the delay.

The big news of the morning is, of course, that the New York Giants loves them some Mr. Mittens. The mere fact that the Giants want to keep Mittens in the news is proof that *the God of your choice* loves us and wants us to drink more rubbing alcohol beer! The danger is that Mittens actually beats the monstrous Jared Lorenzen (that’s Shake on the left), and Jared simply pops Carr into his mouth like the worm from a bad bottle of Mezcal. Obviously, our nation would grieve for days after the loss of someone of Mittens’ stature, but I don’t think Mittens has much of a chance of winning the backup job. (original link courtesy from profootballtalk.com)

If that isn’t enough to make you swoon, then how about signing Pacman Jones (again from PFT):

If Titans CB Pacman Jones is reinstated and traded to another team, the new team would be on the hook for base salaries of $1.29 million in 2008, $1.74 million in 2009, and $2.19 million in 2010.

Yeah, I am willing to take a chance with salaries like that, especially in lieu of our signing Petey Faggins, Jr. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that parts of the Texans nation are developing a nice little man-crush on Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (ADF, Matt, me, I’m looking at you). Sadly, I don’t think he’ll be there for #18, and it looks like the Ravens are zeroing in on Leodis McKelvin with their pick.

I’m neither inherently a risk-taker, nor am I risk averse. I am, however, optimistic that things would work for Pacman in Houston, but I’ve got nothing to base that on other than my formidable gut.

Finally, and a little off-topic, but it looks like the Stros’ Kaz Matsui has a little pain in the ass. This is ironic, of course, because watching him play this year will cause pain to all our asses.

Crap. Back to work. “Clean your windshield, sir?”

I woke up Sunday mornin’ with no way to hold my head that didn’t hurt

Dec 24, 2007 2007 Season, Broken Record, Colts Shmolts, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, God hates ugly, Kris Brown's golden leg, Matt Turk rules, Posts that list too many players, Rosie Rosenfels, Super Mario, The Fred, Travis Johnson, Von

In the spirit of the holiday season, let us start with the good things from yesterday’s game. This will be a short list.

• Mario Williams. Super Mario continued to show that he should not only be on the Pro Bowl roster, but should be a starter, putting up a sack in his sixth straight game and keeping pace as the AFC leader. It’s a bit premature, but I am going to come out and say it now–next year, anything less than 18 sacks will disappoint me. (He did get fooled on the Dallas Clark end around, but, Christ, who didn’t?)
• Earl Cochran. I have no idea how he does it, but Earl gets to the ball more or less unblocked more often than not. Hell, he made a tackle on the RB eight yards downfield at one point. He’s fast, aggressive, and has fluid hips that allow him to turn in space. If we don’t keep him around, it’s a mistake.
• Fred Bennett. I love The Fred. The back-to-back passes to Wayne (second one for a TD) notwithstanding, Fred played his ass off all day. 11 tackles, a forced fumble, two great breaks on balls to break up passes…the fact that he languished on the bench while Petey was out there stinking up the joint is still irritating. The good news, though, is that a Bennett/Dunta Robinson combo would mean we finally had two real CBs.
• DeMeco Ryans. Injured knee nothing. It pretty much doesn’t matter which direction the play goes or where Ryans is lined up pre-snap–if the ball leaves the QBs hand, there is roughly a 74.4% chance that DeMeco will be in on the play that brings the ball carrier down. Amazing. The announcers–who, by the way, sucked–mentioned that over the last two seasons, Ryans has more tackles than ANYONE in football. He’s good like that.
• Andre Johnson. Same as it ever was, AJ is just a monster. He’d have been even better Sunday had Sage not eyeball humped him as he ran his routes (more on that later).
• Andre Davis. The man is a special teams ninja.
• Matt Turk. Never a good sign when his 4 punts for a 44.5 yard average are a highlight.

Now for the bad. These are the little lumps of coal in the stocking of my life.

• The secondary other than Fred Bennett. Will Demps seems to knock the crap out of people on every hit, yet, strangely, he doesn’t really knock people flat on their asses most of the time. I can’t figure it out. Case in point, Kenton Keith took Demps’ hit head on, paused briefly, and then moved forward for additional yards. I like Will and I’m glad he’s been so good for us, but this could be a problem. Even more of a problem is the fact that C.C. Brown only hits people with any sort of authority when they are extended or not looking. When the opposing player could see him coming, Brown was as harmless as a fart on a windy day Sunday. Even more irritating, though, was the way he played his position (or, more accurately, didn’t play his position). He was nowhere to be seen on Joe Addai’s TD run (Charlie Anderson also whiffed on this one, but Brown was noticeably absent behind him), he got juked out of his shorts by Clark in the open field, he nearly airballed when he went to shove Clark out of bounds later, he was late to pick up Wayne in the two-deep coverage after Bennett released him, and he vacated his position on Clark’s second TD catch. But Brown was an All-Pro compared to Von Hutchins, who was used and abused by Wayne until Kubiak adjusted and put Bennett on Reggie. He was absolutely roasted on the 42-yard bomb to Wayne near the end of the first quarter (Why was Demps up at linebacker depth before the snap on that play if he wasn’t blitzing and where was Brown? Or did someone think it was a good idea to see if Hutchins could run with Wayne?). AND Hutchins was so late closing on WRs that caught the ball in front of him that they were twice tackled by a linebacker who had to first turn and then chase them down. Oh, and then there was Jamar Fletcher…
• Sage Rosenfels. I sincerely hope that this game will hush the “Sage is Baby Jesus” talk. Even if you don’t want to say he failed as a starter, the fact is that he has never impressed someone to the point that he was “the guy” other than when he was replacing an injured starter. Sunday, he showed us why. There were at least five balls thrown behind receivers, two of which were picked. He stared down his receivers from the snap and threw directly where he was looking almost every time. He forced throws to Andre Johnson when Walter and/or Daniels were wide open. This guy is a solid backup, but if someone wants to give us value for him, holding on to him is borderline retarded, because he is never going to be anything more than a solid backup.
• Darius Walker. I almost put him in the “good” list because he did look strong early and he ran the ball between the tackles well in the beginning stages of the second half. I put him here, however, because it became incredibly apparent that he is nowhere near fast enough to get the ball to the outside and create something out of nothing. The Colts adjusted to his early runs by keeping the LBs home and letting Walker decide whether to run into them or to take it outside where he was hauled down with minimal effort. Of course, seeing this, Kubiak decided it would be a good idea to pitch the ball to him eight yards behind the line and see what he could do (the answer: nothing). I like the idea of him as a third-down back, but that’s about it.
• Travis Johnson. This gets its own post.
• Kris Brown. You miss your only FG, you go on this list by default. Not a horrible game by the Husker, but he didn’t seem upset at all that he pushed that 49-yarder wide.
• Vonta Leach. Question: What good is a fullback who misses on his lead blocking assignments? Answer: No good at all, regardless of whether the coach and QB try to force passes to him. Leach played like butt. Now, part of this might have been due to Walker’s lack of speed; blocking for someone slower than you are probably takes a different approach. Still…man…never a good day when the FB stands out.

Other notes from the contest:

• Regardless of what the now-banned-commenter “Tom,” thinks, the problem Sunday was not the blitz getting burned. Only one of the TDs came against a blitz, and that was a weird phenomenon where we sent too many blitzers and the lanes got clogged up before we could get there. Otherwise, the problem was the Manning was picking apart our zone and then Reggie Wayne would abuse whomever was on him in man coverage. And that we couldn’t get to Manning whether we sent 4, 5, or 6 rushers. And that we couldn’t move the ball because Sage imploded after the second possession. AND because 3/4 of our secondary was playing like crap.
• Kubiak’s playcalling left a lot to be desired. Outside runs with Walker, sending Kevin Walter on a 6 yard route when you need 8, not going for it on fourth when we should have, using Andre Johnson on a hitch screen from our own 25, etc. Uninspiring at best.
• Owen Daniels continues to run hot and cold. He’ll make some great catches over the middle and get you all excited, only to irritate you when he alligator arms one in the face of a linebacker or fails to catch easy balls.
• Tony Dungy may be the nicest guy in the NFL or in the whole world. He might be a great father, husband, coach, and author. But he looks like a whiny ninny when he stands there and yells “no, no, no!” at the refs after they called one of the most obvious horse-collar tackles you’ll ever see.
• So much for the nine wins. At least we have one more crack at .500. I never thought I’d be so happy to be playing a team with absolutely nothing to play for. (Though you could argue that the Colts didn’t have much to play for, either…)

ESPN to Texans fans: Suck it.

Jul 14, 2007 Broken Record, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Preview, Reggie Bush

On the ESPN NFL page as of this moment, we have the following:

David Carr was just too smart for the Texans and now he’s free to think his way to greatness. The author does not broach the subject of Carr having sand in his vagina.

Scouts, Inc., ranks the Texans QB corps as 25th best, RB corps as 28th, O-line as 30th, WR corps as 26th, and the TEs as 20th. The O-line ranking is based (in large part) on the expected contribution of Jordan Black, who may not even start. Nicely done, nerds.

Christopher Harris thinks that none of the Texans–including Andre–are worth owning from a fantasy perspective. He also mentions Reggie Bush FIVE times in the opening, before he ever gets to any fantasy analysis.

Looking around, aside from anal ventriloquist Bucky Brooks’ take on pre-camp questions for each team at SI.com, none of the major sports outlets seem to have anything really Texans-centric.

While I enjoy TWWL’s Texans-hate as much as the next guy, there is only so much I care to write about it. I need camp to start. Like, now.

Trent Dilfer-itis is contagious

Jun 22, 2007 Andre Johnson, Batman, Broken Record, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Gary Kubiak, Offensive (punch)Line, Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment

Through the magical power of Google, I get an email anytime anything is posted to a blog (or most news sources) with the words “Houston” or “Texans” in the body. I, for one, welcome our new Google overlords.

Anyway… I received one of these emails yesterday and it pointed me to the blog “Stampede Blue,” where something called “BigBlueShoe” was opining on the Texans’ upcoming season. Normally, such a thing would not inspire more than a comment or two. The smugness and overall idiocy of this post, however, requires actual fisking. (Yes, I realize that most of this is just a rehashing of the same stuff I’ve been writing about for two months. Whatever. The post bugged me.)

Let’s do this.

The Texans acquired Schaub in the trade with Atlanta, gave him a nice new contract, and then kicked their former-franchise QB, and #1 overall pick in 2002, David Carr to the curb. I know Texans fans are tired of hearing this, but sometimes the truth hurts: David Carr is a fine QB, and Matt Schaub is not an upgrade over Carr.

Oh, really? And what, pray tell, are you basing this on? I mean, if you are going to put it in bold letters, you must really have some insight into why Schaub is no better. In fact, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt for a second and let you make that argument.

Yes, I agree with Trent Dilfer. Call me crazy. Call me silly. Call me Al.

How about I call you “dumb?” Would that work? After all, that’s what we all called Trent Dilfer when he made the original statement that you agree with. Oh, by the way, you still have not shown me why Schaub is not an upgrade. Maybe in the next sentence…

I’ve watched several Texans games, and every time I’ve watched I’ve marveled at just how well Carr played despite the fact that his coaches were morons and his offensive line couldn’t block Rose O’Donnell and the cast of The View if they were in pads (scary thought).

You mean the line that had a lower sack percentage (despite Carr’s reluctance to get rid of the ball before properly observing every option at least four times) than teams like the Seahawks, Falcons, Steelers, etc? That line? Hold on… did you just use “several” in reference to games in which you “marveled” at how well Carr played? Where did you set the bar for playing well? By that standard, Cleo Lemon is poised to blow your freakin’ mind this season.

(A quick primer, Mr. Shoe. The way it works generally is that you make a statement–say “Carr is better than Schaub”–and then you back it up with some supporting evidence. Please note, however, that “supporting evidence” does not include conjecture and some first-hand, hyperbole-riddled “evidence” that is completely unverifiable.)

Like all skill positions, QBs must have talent around them to grow and succeed. Carr never had that. Hell, he didn’t even have decent talent. It was all pretty much just suck-a-rific bad.

Last season, behind a much-improved line and throwing to Andre Johnson and Eric Moulds (who, admittedly, didn’t pan out, though a lot of that was due to Carr as well), Carr was not demonstrably better than he had been in the previous seasons. Sure, the lack of a running game was painful, but just as painful was the way Carr played. By the end of the year, the coaches were asking Dave just to get rid of the ball on short routes and stop playing like he’d recently had a lobotomy. Hell, one can make the argument that even Sage Rosenfels would have been an upgrade over Carr by the end of last year. No, he never had a team reminiscent of the Pats or Colts around him, but he did show an inability to utilize the players who were there.

Peyton Manning would not be the football god he is today without having Tarik Glenn as his left tackle, Marvin Harrison as his WR, and Tom Moore as his offensive coordinator for his entire career. Glenn and Harrison are HoFers. Moore is the best OC in football, and has been for many years. Manning also had the luxury of having guys like C Jeff Saturday, WR Reggie Wayne, TE Marcus Pollard, and RB Edgerrin James for most of his career. David Carr never had those things, and Matt Schaub doesn’t have them now.

You left out “Reche Caldwell choking worse than Dirk Diggler’s girlfriend” and “Rex Grossman turning in a performance that was slightly more painful to watch than your own grandma in a trucker gangbang” as things that helped Manning achieve “god” status. All joking aside, I think we all agree that Schaub does not have the 2006 Colts around him. Which is why no one is picking the Texans as a Super Bowl contender. Then again, you could also argue that Manning’s preparation and ability and whatnot made all of those guys seem better than they might have been without him; it cuts both ways, you see.

Of course, you still have not acknowledged that the Texans line is nowhere near as bad as you make it out to be, that Andre Johnson is amazingly good, that Schaub has a much quicker release than Carr, etc. No need to let silly old facts get in the way of a good screed, I guess

Schaub is living off a reputation built up by his performance in one game which he lost. Schaub’s 3 TD performance against a decimated Patriots team is pretty much all Schaub has done in his three seasons in the NFL. Other than that, Schaub ain’t done squat. And the sad part is, this STILL makes him better than Vick.

Maybe that is what made Schaub that #1 number two QB in the league over the past couple years. So what? That does not prove that he is not a better QB than Carr. And, for the record, since coming to the Texans, Schaub has also built a reputation of being a great teammate, a hardworker, and more impressive in workouts than DC ever was. So, if you want to completely throw out any carryover reputation from the Pats game, I would still take Schaub based on what he’s shown since coming to Houston.

All that said, Schaub might work out as an improvement just because he’s a new face, a symbol that times are changing. Yes, that is indeed pathetic, but what else can you say for a franchise that has never won more than 8 games in one season.

Wait… wha? Let me see if I follow your “argument” so far: Carr is better than Schaub because David impressed you on television “several” times, despite not being the Colts’ QB. Schaub is a turd because he threw three TDs against the Pats, but his team lost. Ergo, Schaub might work out simply because he’s a new face? Huh? (As for what else can you say about the franchise, how about “they swept the Jags last year and beat the Colts once, so there is reason to think that an upgrade at QB and a healthy line could make them a 9-7 team with a little luck?”

Schaub is throwing to the same over-rated group of receivers Carr did.

A. No, he’s not. Other than Johnson, of course. B. I thought you said they were suck-a-riffically bad. How can you be awful, be called awful, and then simultaneously be overrated? Are you saying they are actually worse than awful?

His offensive line is still bad.

Well, it was better than a number of teams last year, it is finally healthy as a unit (even with Spencer still banged up), and it has a QB behind it now that doesn’t turn into a deer in the headlights in the face of a linebacker.

Like Carr, Schaub will likely not have a consistent running game. Free agent acquisition Ahman Green is done, and it’s obvious.

Man, you are just full of baseless assertions today, aren’t you? How is it “obvious” that Batman is done? By the 266 carries, 1059 yards, and 5 TDs he had last year?

So, unless they can get some talent around him, Schaub is doomed to the same fate Carr was.

Umm… I thought you just said that Schaub might work out because he has a different face. Which is it? And, considering your premise is faulty (that there is “no” talent around Schaub), shouldn’t we also assume that you conclusion is wrong? I vote yes.

If someone sees where in this post the author made a solid argument, based upon demonstrable evidence, that Schaub will not be better than Carr, would you please point it out. At best, I find him rehashing the same tired assumptions about the Texans, interspersed with some random assertions that he does not (or cannot) back up.

Finally, Shoe ends the piece with a line about how Carr might overtake Delhomme in Carolina before the two teams meet. All I can say is I hope so.

Greg Olsen is to Rex Grossman as a penis is to an Indigo Girls concert

May 19, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Draft, Amobi Okoye is 19, Athletes who don't stab people, Broken Record, DeMeco Ryans, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans

I understand that, as the perennial AFC South doormats, the Texans don’t get the press coverage of, say, the Cowboys or even the Sam Houston State University field hockey team. I am generally ok with this.

Still, an article about the ten draft picks likely to have a big impact with their respective teams should almost certainly include Manchild, shouldn’t it? You are talking about someone who (a) is a gifted interior pass-rusher and can also play the run; (b) will take double-teams off of Super Mario, almost guaranteeing that he will break double-digits in sacks; and (c) makes life easier for ROY DeMeco Ryans (which should be a frightening thought for AFC South RBs).

I fail to see how this kind of impact will be less than a pass-catching TE who will rely on Rex Grossman’s arm or a defensive end who is being converted to tackle in order to play the run in the NFC West. Both Olsen and Carriker will likely disappear for long stretches, both within a single game and over the course of the season. Manchild, on the other hand, will make an impact on nearly every defensive snap in one (or more) of the three ways listed above.

Shit, I feel like a damned parrot at this point. BRRAWCK PEOPLE ARE IGNORING THE TEXANS BRRAWCK! PRETTY BIRD PRETTY BIRD!

Eric Allen struggles to group series of words into sentences

May 18, 2007 Andre Johnson, Batman, Broken Record, Gary Kubiak, Offensive (punch)Line, Reggie Bush, The Schaub Experiment, Tony Boselli is dead

Memo to Eric Allen: When Joe Theismann comes off as more intelligent that you, it might be time to consider never writing anything ever again. Seriously.

From the latest ESPN burning questions:

Will the Texans be able to protect Matt Shaub?
Allen: I think the Texans are going to have the same protection problems they’ve had in the past. Houston doesn’t seem to understand the importance not only of surrounding the quarterback with playmakers but also of making sure he has the protection to get the ball to those playmakers. There will definitely be times this season when Schaub will wish he was still in Atlanta not taking some brutal hits.

Really, Eric? Schaub is going to wish that he was still on the bench in Atlanta, instead of being paid an asston* of money to throw to Andre Johnson as a starting QB? I call bullshit. (Also, other than Johnson and (possibly) Ahman Green, who are all these “playmakers” that the Texans have surrounded their QBs with? Last I checked, the big knock on the Texans–besides not having a living offensive lineman–was that they DIDN’T draft Bush/Young, DESPITE NEEDING playmakers.) Next, you’ll tell me that the biggest problem facing the Texans is that they won’t draft defensive linemen and linebackers to take some of the pressure off their All-Pro secondary.

Remember way back at the beginning of this post, when I suggested that Joe Theismann was sensible? Well, that’s only compared to Eric Allen. Still, Joe accidentally stumbles onto a nugget of truth in his answer when he offers

I don’t think protection will be as big of an issue because coach Gary Kubiak probably will try to run the ball as much as possible. That will provide protection for Schaub and also create space for receiver Andre Johnson on the outside in play-action situations. Kubiak is a brilliant offensive mind, and he’s going to find a way to make sure that Schaub stays on his feet this season.

Um… running the ball is certainly a way to open up passing options. No argument there, Joe. But running the ball successfully requires an offensive line, doesn’t it? So, if you are saying that Kubes will try to utilize Green in a ground-heavy attack, then you must be saying that there will be adequate blocking to accomplish such tact. On that point, we agree. Now we must never speak of this moment again.

*”Asston” is a metric measurement. That’s why you don’t recognize it.

Peyton Manning will never win a Super Bowl

May 18, 2007 2007 Draft, Batman, Broken Record, Charles Spencer, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Offensive (punch)Line, Secondary issues are primary, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment

Argh. I feel like I am bashing my head against a brick wall.

Ignore, for a moment at least, that the article ranks the Texans as the fourth-worst team in the NFL.* Ignore also that they seem to think Washington, Tampa, and the Cleo-Lemon-led Dolphins are also better than Houston. ** Finally, ignore the band-wagonish journalistic laziness that permeates the entire article. (Really, guys, Pats over the Colts? Wow… you really took a stand there.)

What I want to focus on is the blurb that accompanies the Texans’ entry. This is where I would be clearing my throat and reading aloud if the blog format allowed for such theatrics. (I have taken the liberty of italicizing the dumb shit for you. I am nothing, if not helpful.)

Matt Schaub is doing all the right things early and adding Ahman Green will help. Just one small detail the Texans forgot: get a few big guys who can block.

I am annoyed. Exasperated, even. For the last time,*** THE LINE IS NOT AWFUL ANYMORE. I’ve covered that multiple times in the short life of DGDB&D, including this post, which I think is my best version of the argument.

I suppose this is not unlike the people who seem to think Brett Favre is still an elite QB–if it was true once, it must always be true! Huh? To paraphrase Nice Guy Eddie, just because you repeat something as gospel, “that don’t necessarily make it fucking so.”

The real annoyance is there are ways whomever wrote that blurb could have ended it to at least make it correct. For instance, “one small detail the Texans forgot: to try and find two safeties that aren’t brutally awful.” Or even, “figuring out if Matt Schaub can be a starting QB before signing him to a contract worth the GDP of Kyrgyzstan.“

I should not be surprised that a company that allows Colin Cowherd to forcibly sodomize the concept of “funny” on a daily basis would also allow some mental pablum to be posted on their website as well. I am surprised, however, that good football writers like Len Pasquarelli allow their names to be quoted alongside it. Live and learn.

I feel like I am beating a dead horse here. Which has nothing to do with Charles Spencer, as we have already established.

*No fucking way.
**See above.
***Obviously, this won’t be the last time. I just like that particular sentence construction.